TIME FOR WOGAN TO STEP DOWN?

So, the longest face in the final since Celine Dion rolled up as a ringer for another country triumphs in Eurovision; and Britain does rubbish again - eighteen points is not attributable solely to the rest of Europe hating Britain; even if we'd actually bombed France and sent Kilroy-Silk to Germany with a megaphone, a half-decent song delivered well might have expected to pull thirty or so marks. Personally, we reckon that Switzerland was robbed, and robbed blind.

The real question, though, isn't why was Britain so bad (the answer is obvious: the qualification round was a circus sideshow, and sending the best of a bad lot just won't do anymore) but why was Wogan so bad? It's become an axiom that "you can't imagine Eurovision without Terry Wogan" but maybe it's time to try. Certainly during the voting round, he added little but the same churning few not-quite-gags: quiet for a while, mention Granny, quiet for a while, moan about the Baltic states voting for each other, quiet for a while, moan about the former Yugoslavian states voting for each other. Of course, it's true that neighbouring countries do support each other, but frankly, thinking about what was happening on the edge of the Adriatic a decade ago, Croatia, Bosnia, Serbia and Macedonia sharing fraternal support for each other in a sing-a-long contest is a cause for some joy rather a call to grind axes. Paddy O'Connell did a pretty good job on the semi-final show: maybe he should be given a crack at the big one next year in Athens?

music eurovision terry wogan tv

IT WAS ALL A PLOY TO GET ON MTV

So, that was why she swallowed her worries about the size of the hat her bethrothed was wearing when they exchanged vows: Renee Zellweger is thrilled her new marriage gives her a chance to get on MTV:

"I'll get on MTV. Life just keeps getting better."

Erm... Renee, love, you've been on MTV already; you appeared constantly in the Geri Halliwell It's Raining Men video. Now, you might prefer to forget that, but we've got long, long memories. But at least you didn't have to have sex with Geri to get on TV that time.

music renee zellweger geri halliwell

EXACTLY HOW OLD ARE PEOPLE WHO WRITE FOR TIME OUT

Time Out, or "Well, if City Limits doesn't publish any more, it'll have to do" as it's known to people outside London, has polled its team of writers to decide what would have been the best gig in London, ever. This is what they came up with:

1. The Clash at The Rainbow Theatre, May 9, 1977

2. Brian Wilson plays Smile at Royal Festival Hall, February 20, 2004

3. Stevie Wonder at The Rainbow Theatre, February 24, 1974

4. Rolling Stones at The Crawdaddy Club, Richmond, April 28, 1963

5. Duke Ellington at London Palladium, June 12, 1933

6. N*E*R*D with Justin Timberlake at Brixton Academy, November 9, 2003

7. Bob Marley at Lyceum Ballroom, July 17, 1975

8. The Smiths at Jubilee Gardens, June 10, 1984

9. White Stripes at Camden Dingwalls, July 30, 2001

10.The Beatles at The Pigalle, Piccadilly, April 21, 1963

Now, I'm dubious about how many of their writers can claim to have authoratative first hand knowledge about many of these gigs - perhaps The Clash at the Rainbow isn't stretching it too much, but Duke Ellington in 1933? Even the Spectator would be finding it tricky to scare up some staff who saw that. We're reminded of the comment Spike made about how busy the crucifixion would have been if all the vampires who claimed to be in Golgotha that day had been. Unless, of course, Time Out is preferring to go on what they've been told rather than what they know, which surely means all this survey would do is to shore up further an "accepted" list of what "the greatest ever gigs" were...

music gigs london the clash

THIS ISN'T, WE'RE SURE, JUST GETTING AN EXCUSE READY IN CASE...

Apparently, Javine has got a "sore throat"; she's stopped doing interviews prior to Eurovision, and is hoping that it doesn't spoil her performance tomorrow night...

music javine eurovision

BAND MELTDOWN

We haven't had a chance to go through Revelations yet, but we're convinced that there's something in it about how - just prior to the whore of Babylon and the chaps on horses, we should be keeping an eye open for the crumbling of a billion vapid bands. And, lo, it's coming to pass: both Cookie and Phixx shed members in the last thirty-six hours or so.



Phixx have shed Nikk, who may or may not have been the gay "one" out of Phixx. He'd been holding on in the vain hope that there might have been another seventeen series of Hit Me Baby One More Time, by which time they'd have been so desperate for contestants they'd have been letting virtually anyone on.

Cookie have had to come to terms with Nicola Ward deciding she can't take it any more; she's returned to work with Audrey at the salon. Nicola first shot to, uh, her status on one of the Pop Idol/Star type shows, and she seems from the Cookie websites to have been the most popular of the band, although that doesn't really say very much. Happily, she's chosen to quit while the band are supporting girls aloud on tour and seventeen days before they're due to release their single. Luckily, after an exhaustive audition process ("what's yer dress size?"), they've found someone called Aimie Flack to replace her. So, like, nobody will notice.

music phixx cookie

READING FESTIVAL SCRAPPED?

Okay, we're being a bit tabloidesque here. But the farmland on which the festival has been held for thirty five years has been put on the market with a likely price of GBP1.5million. The festival's future is pretty secure in the short-term, as Mean Fiddler/Clear Channel has got a lease until 2010, and Melvin Benn is convinced the new owner wouldn't want to ask them to leave, either:

"The most profitable activity on the farm is the festival. So the chances of us not being asked there are pretty slim. But should that not be the case, we'll find another bit of grass."

Yes, Reading must be full of communities keen to have a rock festival on their land.

music festivals reading

GO ON, YOU'RE THINKING IT TOO, AREN'T YOU?

Someone's pinched ten grand's worth of stuff from Kate Moss' car. But no, let's not all jump to conclusions, shall we? Apparently it was "two yobs."

The curiosity is that Moss hasn't called police - which is strange, as unless you report these things you can't make an insurance claim:

Model Kate, 31, found out later in the day but did not bother telling police. A neighbour in St John's Wood, North London, said: "She was upset at losing her jacket and boots. But she said it was not worth calling police as there's nothing they would do."

Mind you, if you leave two and a half grands worth of boots in your car, as Moss apparently did, you can probably afford to be a bit blase about property.

Moss, for some reason, drives a Land Rover, which must be really useful with those dirt tracks round St John's Wood.

music kate moss pete doherty

THE PRICE OF A CURSE: THIRTY BUCKS

We're not going to hold our breath waiting for Jamaica to do anything about hate dancehall - the courts seem pretty powerless to take action against the sort of things they actually care about. Sizzla had been convicted of swearing on stage, but failed to turn up for the community service ordered by the court. As a result, he was sentenced to 15 days in prison, but on appeal this was reduced to a fine of USD32.79. However, Sizzla may yet get his chance to find out what it's like sharing a cramped cell with other guys - the police are still investigating a bunch of guns they found on his property.

music sizzla

THE CASH IN RINGTONES IS ABSURD

When we saw the "new " Crazy Frog advert was advertising in a break half-way through Corrie, ITV's most pricey slot, we turned to each other and asked "How many of the bloody things must they be expecting to sell to make that worthwhile?" And when it turned up in the next break, and the next, and the next, we got slightly scared. We're used to adverts up the other end of the EPG filling up with "text Sweet1 for the ringtone, text Sweet2 for the poly..." ads, but to see such a swamping of the mainstream channels with these ads is quite crushing - presumably about 75% of the nation's GDP is going to be generated by the noise of a stupid kid pretending to be a motorbike this year. It seems, though, that we're not the only ones to have seen the advert once too often: the Advertising Standards Authority have received hundreds of calls from viewers begging them to make it stop.

The advert doesn't even make any sense - "the crazy frog is back in town and on the run"? But if it's on the run, why has it come back into town? Why doesn't it go somewhere else? And if it;s trying to avoid someone, why doesn't it shut the fuck up?

music crazy frog ringtones

URAL IN FOR A TREAT

The White Stripes are heading deep into Europe for a tour:

* Moscow Mekanika (June 26)
* St Petersburg Manezh Kadetskogo Korpusa (27)
* Tallin Club Hollywood (29)
* Riga Dream Factory (30)
* Kalinigrad Vagonka (July 1)
* Prague Archa (3)
* Zagreb Stara Klaonica (5)
* Ljubljana Krizanke (6)
* Gdynia Heineken Open’er Festival (9)
* Novi Sad Exit Festival (10)
* Thessaloniki Theatro Gis (12)
* Athens Olympic Beach Volleyball Stadium (13)

Military style drumming and red uniforms? They'll fit in a treat.

music white stripes

IRELAND ARE OUT

The Eurovision semi-finals have just this minute finished, and the bosses of RTE will be breathing a hefty sigh of relief - Ireland haven't even made it into the final this year; their Dennis Pennis-a-like didn't manage to warm the hearts of the dedicated heat-watching Europeans and was left on the sidelines. It's going to be a great night on Saturday, though, especially when the Norway entry comes up to do their thing: if you saw tonight, you'll know what to expect. If you saw the episode of Dear John where Tosh from the Bill was a washed-up singer, you'll also have some idea...

music eurovision

HEADLINES UP TO WHICH THE STORIES UNDERNEATH CAN NEVER LIVE

Lindsay Lohan Stains Dress After Night Of Clubbing

TWO BULLETS

It's long been the accepted wisdom that the chances of the Beatles getting back together (when they were still alive) were a strictly "over my dead body" affair, although then they wouldn't have still been alive anyway. However, May Pang, who filled in for Yoko Ono while Lennon and Yoko were on a break, claims that John Lennon never wanted the split to be permanent:

Though John and Paul did not write many songs together, they had always been sounding boards for each other's ideas and he missed that. He was always saying, 'I wonder what Paul is up to," Femalefirst quoted May as saying.

"I remember him saying, 'Do you think I should write with Paul again?' and I said, 'Absolutely, you should do it because it seems you want to. As solo performers you are good but together you can't be beaten,"

The odd thing, of course, was that Pang was Lennon's confidant in 1973, so if he really had been keen to work with Paul, he'd have to have been really procrastinating what with not getting round to telling Paul in the next decade. And it's slightly odd that nobody else seems to have got the impression that John was keen to hook up with Macca again.

We suspect what might have happened is - since she shagging John after he split with Yoko, and before he got back together with Yoko - May came in and heard the end of a phone conversation where John was saying "God, we really should get back together - can you imagine how great that would be?" and when she challenged him he thought quickly and claimed "oh, that wasn't Yoko; I was talking to Paul... yes, Paul..."

We'll find out if our hunch is correct the more Pang reveals about her life with John. If she's saying "John not only wanted to work with Paul again, but he was keen for Paul to wear rubber knickers and bite his nipples", you'll know we're on the right lines.

music paul mccartney john lennon beatles

WIFE OUT

Everyone will be happy to hear that Whitney Houston has been released from rehab, especially drug dealers in Hollywood. The bad news is that she's headed straight for a recording studio, with the intention of making a new record. The idea is that, as she's been through hell over the last year, she now wants to put the rest of us through it.

music whitney houston

HUSBAND IN

This is going to come as a shock to everyone: Bobby Brown has been arrested on drugs charges. Drugs and traffic charges, although not, as far as we know, drug trafficing.

The small pile of trouble he's in includes possession of marijuana, speeding, driving without a licence and having no proof of insurance - although, to be frank, if he didn't have a licence it's hugely unlikely he'd have insurance, surely?


UPDATE: We've just noticed that despite being a latest headline on the Ananova site, this story is dated November 2002 - along with all the other stories they're reporting right now (Starsailor to record second album, Escapology heading for number one, Boy George still marginally famous). We don't know if their database has gone wild, or if it's some instant-nostalgia I Love 2002 type affair...

music bobby brown drugs crime

WE APPEAR TO HAVE MISSED OUT THE INNOVATIONS

In a move which will doubtless have Big George, presenter of Three Counties Radio Milton Keynes opt-out breakfast, trembling like a lead, Christian O'Connell has declared war on every breakfast programme in Britain. Except Terry Wogan:

"Terry Wogan [on BBC Radio 2] is in a league of his own. But anyone else is fair game. British radio has got brilliant and varied breakfast shows, but not doing what I'm doing."

So, it's a battle to the death for second place, then. We're not sure how it is that O'Connell is convinced laddish humour doesn't exist on breakfast radio anywhere else, but then he is on the radio at breakfast so probably hasn't heard Chris Moyles.

O'Connell is especially proud of the Bounty Hunter feature:

Bounty Hunter involves listeners approaching celebrities on the street and asking them be interviewed by O'Connell in return for a £10,000 donation to the charity of their choice.

It is testament to his appeal that celebrities have been falling over themselves to get on what is a niche London station, with Brooke Shields, Kevin Spacey, Alice Cooper, Roger Moore, Sir Ian McKellen and Steven Spielberg among the contestants.

Hmm... we're not sure it's so much O'Connell's appeal as the ten grand for the charities that pulls them in, actually.

Of course, the big question is who will take over the breakfast slot on X-FM. Well, a fairly big question, if you live in London and don't care for Heart or Capital much.

GCap's Graham Bryce, who is responsible for developing Xfm, says it's "business as usual" at the station and that it will continue to "build on and encourage new talent", adding that its DJ roster includes Ricky Gervais, Lauren Laverne, Jimmy Carr and Justin Lee Collins.

We love the implication that Ricky Gervais might be interested in doing the breakfast shift almost as much as the implication that anyone would be in the least interested in listening to Jimmy Carr while they're showering.

music radio breakfast christian o'connell

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN: The most successful artists of all time

Yep, it's time to decide if you can squeak another year out of the dog-eared British Hit Singles sat on your bookshelf, or if it's time to upgrade, as the 2005 Guiness World Records British Hit Singles & Albums lands with an ever-increasing thud onto the bookshop tables of the nation.



(Or you could click here to buy one, too). In keeping with the Guinness habit, they've slapped a gaudy cover onto it, and it's a "special collector's edition" to mark the 1,000th number one - although it's not very clear. Collectors of what? The Hit Singles books? But surely they'd keep every one anyway? And last year's innovation, which was to admit nobody much bought the separate albums edition, has been repeated, so you get all the charting records in one book.

Most importantly, of course, they've crunched some numbers for the press release. This time, they've added up all the weeks spent by bands on the albums and singles charts, and produced a top 100 acts:

1. Elvis Presley 2,463
2. Cliff Richard 1,972
3. The Beatles 1,749
4. Queen 1,725
5. Madonna 1,653
6. Elton John 1,615
7. The Shadows 1,578
8. Michael Jackson 1,477
9. David Bowie 1,459
10. U2 1,402
11. Rod Stewart 1,381
12. Frank Sinatra 1,332
13. Diana Ross 1,303
14. Dire Straits 1,255
15. Simon And Garfunkel 1,201
16. The Rolling Stones 1,173
17. Abba 1,137
18. Fleetwood Mac 1,103
19. Phil Collins 1,062
20. Paul McCartney 983
21. Pink Floyd 966
22. UB40 955
23. Meat Loaf 941
24. Tom Jones 915
25. Status Quo 890
26. Simply Red 849
27. The Beach Boys 845
28. Oasis 836
29. Stevie Wonder 807
30. The Carpenters 776
31. The Bee Gees 767
32. REM 761
33. Bob Dylan 755
34. Tina Turner 755
35. Prince 748
36. Jim Reeves 730
37. Neil Diamond 727
38. Bob Marley and The Wailers 713
39. Eric Clapton 705
40. Whitney Houston 698
41. Andy Williams 685
42. Eurythmics 684
43. Robbie Williams 682
44. Madness 682
45. Genesis 681
46. Barbra Streisand 678
47. Bruce Springsteen 670
48. Mike Oldfield 664
49. Celine Dion 661
50. Bon Jovi 660
51. Lionel Richie 655
52. Bryan Adams 652
53. Duran Duran 648
54. Electric Light Orchestra 648
55. Kylie Minogue 646
56. George Michael 627
57. Shirley Bassey 620
58. The Pet Shop Boys 596
59. Roy Orbison 593
60. Mariah Carey 588
61. Roxy Music 585
62. The Four Tops 574
63. Janet Jackson 567
64. The Police 558
65. Sting 553
66. John Lennon 544
67. Simple Minds 544
68. Cher 540
69. Erasure 535
70. The Supremes 535
71. Buddy Holly 529
72. The Eagles 528
73. Perry Como 526
74. Guns N’ Roses 525
75. Blondie 523
76. Engelbert Humperdinck 507
77. Donna Summer 503
78. Billy Joel 500
79. Led Zeppelin 497
80. Wet Wet Wet 496
81. Slade 491
82. Barry Manilow 491
83. The Who 480
84. Stereophonics 477
85. Chris Rea 477
86. The Everly Brothers 474
87. The Hollies 472
88. T.Rex 468
89. The Corrs 467
90. Bryan Ferry 46
91. Red Hot Chili Peppers 455
92. Blur 454
93. The Beautiful South 450
94. Luther Vandross 450
95. James Last 450
96. Kate Bush 449
97. The Moody Blues 449
98. George Benson 442
99. Hot Chocolate 436
100. Shakin’ Stevens 435

The conflation of singles and albums throws up some interesting little points - James Last making it into the chart almost entirely on the basis of albums, and his 450 week total must certainly have been helped by his habit of releasing two or three albums of his "party" re-imaginings of recent hits and standards every week around the start of the eighties; Oasis standing proud at 28 while Blur languish towards the bottom at 92 probably will soothe some of Noel's hurt at being beaten in that head-to-head chart battle. Shakin' Stevens' claims the other week that he was the most successful Welsh chart act ever is disproved (he's at 100; Tom Jones is at 24 - although, of course, Shaky's Best Of is still in the Top 10). Elvis might reign supreme, and Cliff pick up the biggest UK act (again, helped by a long career) - but Paul McCartney could legitmately add his 983 weeks to The Beatles' 1,749 weeks to crush all comers.

We think, though, the most frightening fact is UB40: 955 weeks on the chart; more than REM, Stevie Wonder, Prince...

music the beatles cliff richard elvis books charts

GRABBABLE MUSIC

If you're already thinking that the weekend seems to far away and fancy a spot of playing about, or simply want to bookmark a couple of sites for later, frequent visits to cnet's mp3 archive and Amazon's full list of its top free downloads could fill up an iPod without ever once contributing to an RIAA grandee's share options. At the moment, Amazon is shifting loads of Aimee Man, Bloc Party and Arcade Fire, while Tim Burgess, the Postal Service and Bright Eyes are giving it away like a wife in a fish market at Cnet.

music free downloads downloads mp3 ipod

A QUICK LOOK AT THIS MORNING'S FRONT PAGES

There's still more mileage in the Kylie story, although since the story hasn't really moved on since "Kylie has breast cancer", the papers don't have a great deal to say. The Express merely copies yesterday's Mail angle, and marshalls some people who've come out the other side to be inspiring:



And the Mirror, um, has this:



Nuns! Nuns! Whatever next?



Curiously, the Daily Telegraph is offering "the best of Nirvana" as a download for a fiver - the Telegraph? Downloads? Nirvana? Can this all be right?

music kylie minogue kylie nirvana newspapers

AVRIL'S HIGH STANDARDS

You'll recall Avril Lavigne's high-minded pledge that "I won't wear skanky clothes that show my booty, my belly or my boobs. If i were selling my body, i would wear that stuff, but i'm selling my music" and the way she's managed to stick to it, even when it means covering up her breasts with a Hooters tshirt. Well, you'll be pleased to hear she's still fighting the righteous fight, ensuring she doesn't actually appear with her tits out for her Penthouse interview:



It's good she wouldn't ever sell herself on her young, lithe body - otherwise she'd not appear in such serious minded music magazines and might start to court the five-fingered shuffle market. Go Av!

music avril lavigne penthouse

WORRYING NEWS FOR THE GALLAGHERS

Haven't seen the official midweek figures yet, but the constantly updating Amazon sales chart suggests that Lyla is managing a sluggish mid-20s position in the overall rankings. Not exactly setting the world aflame, then.

music oasis

RESHUFFLE AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE

With the news that Pete and Geoff are leaving Virgin's breakfast show - where they'd achieved the rare accolade of being a show on the network that people had heard of - bosses at the station have been quick to find someone who could fill the gap. But where would they find someone who nobody actually listens to, but have heard of? They didn't have far to search: Christian O'Connell has quit XFM to head into the virtual obscurity of AM pop radio.

It seems a much better fit for O'Connell than his previous two jobs on stations at least notionally more interested in music than making knob gags, although we're not quite sure we believe Christian when he says this:

"I can't wait to reach out to the country and beckon them to join me each morning with the combination of my show and the music we all love. Virgin Radio is a huge station, with a huge reputation. It's the station I have always wanted to be on, I am an avid listener and fan. It's a dream come true and I cannot wait."

Yeah, Christian - what wannabe radio presenter doesn't dream of being on the mighty 1215 metres on the medium wave? It's like a footballer saying "I always wanted to play for Bolton, even when i was a kid."

music christian o'connell radio xfm virgin

GATHER IN A SMALL ROOM WITH LOTS OF OASIS FANS AND TOO MUCH CHEAP BEER

Yes, there are going to be "listening parties" for the new Oasis album across the UK as well as around the US. Apparently, at one of the following, they're going to play the last album instead to see if anybody notices or cares:

Brighton Snide Audio on May 24 at roughly 10pm
+ Cardiff Popscene Ifor Bach on 25 at roughly 9:30pm
+ Coventry The Phoenix on 25 at roughly 9pm
+ Nottingham Tuned Rock City on 26 at roughly 9:30pm
+ Aberdeen Triple Kirks Exodus on 27 at roughly 9pm
+ Birmingham Ramshackle Academy on 27 at roughly 10pm
+ Bradford FND Escape @ Bradford University on 27 at roughly 10pm
+ Bristol Ramshackle Academy on 27 at roughly 10pm
+ Edinburgh Evol The Liquid Room on 27 at roughly 10:30pm
+ Exeter Collision Timepiece on 27 at roughly 10pm
+ Glasgow The Tuesday Club Presents Tom Tom on 27 at roughly 6pm
+ Leeds The Session The Cockpit on 27 at roughly 10pm
+ Hull Spiders on 28 at roughly 9:30pm
+ Liverpool Electric The Krazy House on 28 at roughly 8pm
+ Manchester Roadhouse on 28 at roughly 11am
+ Newcastle Rata Metro Arena on 28 at roughly 10:30pm
+ Norwich Meltdown Waterfront on 28 at roughly 10pm
+ Portsmouth Chaos South Parade Pier on 28 at roughly 10pm
+ Sheffield Sonic Boom Leadmill on 28 at roughly 10pm
+ Wolves Full On Little Civic on 28 at roughly 8pm

Of course, you could just get it off Bittorrent if you're that bothered by it.

music oasis

ALPEN WON'T 'APPEN

Nine Black Alps had been going off on tour round the UK this May, but Sam Forrest has fallen ill and the tour has been axed. The debut album has been put back a week, to, and will now appear on June 13th. But you can still pre-order it:



... and enjoy an extra seven days of prickling anticpation

music nine black alps rock sick list

HE DOES A LOT OF GOOD WORK FOR CHARITY, BUT IT'S BEST IF HE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT

While it's great that Ronan Keating raises lots of cash to help fund research into breast cancer, it might be a good idea for someone to take him to one side and suggest it might be best if he leaves the expert stuff to, well, an expert, as his reaction to the Kylie news shows:

"Kylie's such a young woman it's unbelievable[..]
People think breast cancer is an older woman's disease, but it's not. Everyone needs to be very aware of this and get regular check-ups.

So, if everyone needs to be aware that breast cancer does affect young women - as many as one in every twenty cases is a woman under the age of 40 - in what way does suggesting that Kylie having breast cancer is "unbelievable" because she's "such a young woman"? Isn't the most positive thing that can come out of Kylie's illness that it's a strong chance to press the case that it's all too believable that women in their 30s get breast cancer and should be checking themselves?

music breast cancer kylie+minogue kylie minogue ronan keating

THE CUTTING WINKLE-PICKERS OF FASHION

We wouldn't want you to assume that Gwen Steffani was the sort of person who'd take a brief to "design her own fashion line" as an excuse to slap a lazy label on as much as possible in order to squeeze every drop of cash from those people who follow her every move. Furthermore, you shouldn't think that shoe-horning the Harajuku thing into the "affordable" line is a bid to flatter Japanese girls into parting with their families' hard-earned Yen. No, the USD250 Harajuku Lovers digital camera is a proper, well-considered addition to the world of products. And not a tiresome cash-in at all. There's also going to be knickers and, well, anything else that can find a slot for itself in Target.

music fashion gwen stefani

OH, THE POOR SLAVE CHILD

Curious, isn't it? Chris Martin claims to be really worried about the millions living in poverty, inching by on less than a dollar a day, if they're lucky. And yet he still whines about the "slavery" of having to kow-tow to EMI and its shareholders:

"I think shareholders are the great evil of this modern world," Martin told Reuters before a concert at Manhattan's Beacon Theatre. But however uncomfortable Martin is with what he called "the slavery that we are all under to shareholders," the reception to Coldplay's third studio album will be closely watched by EMI shareholders.

Aw, bless - poor Chris is enslaved by having to bang out a couple of tunes for the corporate behemoth. And all that cheque-cashing that springs from that. It's funny, you know, but compared to being a cockle-picker in Morecambe Bay or a sex worker being bounced around Europe, the slavery doesn't actually sound that bad:

"It's very strange for us that we spent 18 months in the studio just trying to make songs that make us feel a certain way and then suddenly become part of this corporate machine," Martin said backstage.

Of course, it's easy for us to take the piss out of Chris, but let's not forget that he really is in a position of slavery - it's not like he can just walk away and not make any more records for EMI, not while the company holds his family hostage. Not while he has no money of his own, nowhere to go if he leaves the company. Not while EMI would beat him if he doesn't work hard enough, and might well beat him anyway.

music coldplay chris martin

A QUICK LOOK AT THIS MORNING'S FRONT PAGES

Truly, she is the people's pop princess. The death of Kylie Minogue has united the British papers in grief:





- although neither the Independent nor the Morning Star care enough, it seems. Oh, hang on, she's not actually dead, is she?



We were surprised that the Telegraph decided not to run with a picture of Kylie in showgirl gear - it says something about the gravity of the situation they elected to go with a Jackie O modern suffering pic instead. Albeit balanced with Nigella Lawson in a low-cut frock.

The tabs, on the whole, are pretty upbeat. The Mirror has Kylie pledging that "I'll beat it just like my dad":



- although we'd not known she'd ever beaten her dad. The Sun, of course, knows what we can all do to help:



Wear a wristband - that'll show it.

For some reason, the Daily Express has chosen to run a photo which seems to be from about seventy years ago:



And the Mail has decided to offer some advice - chin up, Kylie:



The Daily Star cannot look away from the dark shadow hanging over the future, however:



Yes, the morons who have polluted their mobile phones with the "crazy" frog ringtone are about to pollute the charts with a spin-off single. Makes Is This The Way To Amarillo seem like a joy, doesn't it?

But even the Star is upbeat about Kylie's future. Indeed, the real reason why the UK media is treating the news about Kylie's illness as if she'd died is precisely because she's not going to, not now, not like this. It'd be really brilliant for Kylie to see such a range of positive, upbeat coverage.

Unfortunately, she's in Australia, Which isn't being quite so positive:

music newspapers kylie

WE ALL GROW UP; IT'S JUST OUR PICTURES WE LEAVE BEHIND

Paramount Comedy Channel's Inconceivable website has been tracking down a naked baby - not to help Pete Townshend with his research project, but to try and find out what happened to the kid on the cover of Nevermind. Spencer Elden, who's now fourteen, apparently was only used because stock photography of a baby under water would have cost too much. Now, we know we never resist the chance to poke major labels with a stick, but how buttmean must Geffen have been to refuse to pony up for a snap from Corbis for an album which sold seventy squillion copies? Anyway, Elden isn't that bothered that half the world has seen him naked; he has a nice sideline in being the kid off the cover of Nevermind going

music nirvana spencer elden

OFT TO CHART COMPANY: CARRY ON

Unsurprisingly, the Office of Fair Trading has decided, after listening to the complaints of the indie sector that the terms on which the physical sales and downloads sales charts have been merged is unfair, that there is no case to answer.

The OFT spokeswoman said the file on the combined chart was now closed.

She said: "Based on the information provided, we do not have reasonable grounds to suspect that the Competition Act 1998 has been infringed by the decision by OCC or OCC's shareholders to launch a combined physical and download chart now, in the present form."

So, that's alright then. Let's not hear any suggestion that the main part of the OFT's remit is to ensure that status quos are upheld. That would be uncharitable.

music charts downloads OFT