No Rock And Roll Fun

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Mills told: Shop somewhere else today

Heather Mills must be getting sick of her youthful indiscretions coming back to haunt her; if it's not the periodic rediscovery of pictures of her giving a blow-job to a bloke for a book, it's the shoplifting she's fessed up to more than once.

An over-efficient staff member at a Sainsburys SavaCentre (yes, apparently they've not got round to rebranding them all yet) in Tyne and Wear saw Heather trying to pop in for a bag of rocket and a packet of Murray Mints, and seemed convinced that she was under some sort of ban for having nicked when she was a ten year-old:

One shopper said: “A woman worker went up to Heather and stopped her going in. She said, ‘Excuse me, Heather, you know you’re not allowed in there, you know the situation’.

“Heather replied, ‘For Christ’s sake, that was years ago. Do you honestly think I’m going to shoplift now? I’ve moved on from there’.

“But the woman wouldn’t budge. Heather walked away, head down. You could tell she was horrified.”

We're not sure we quite buy this verbatim report - "I've moved on from there" sounds like the sort of thing Ronnie Kray might say in this situation rather than a likely Heather Mills reaction.

Sainsburys stress there isn't a ban on multi-milionaire former shoplifters entering its stores; indeed, Savacentres were such a bombing idea they can ill-afford to send anyone away from them.

Man admits: "I beat Bell"

Christian Briggs, a thirty year-old New Zealander, has admitted the attack on Billy Leeson. His late-night assault on the man better known as Billy Bell from Les Incompetents put Leeson in hospital, in a coma.

Appearing in Snaresbrook court yesterday, Briggs pleaded guilty to grievous bodily harm. The case was adjourned for medical reports and victim statements; the attacker - who works as an architectural technichian - was said to be "of previously good character."

The band split at the start of the month, although they stressed that was unrelated to the attack.

music billy bell billy leeson les incompetents

Monday, September 25, 2006

Temple shocker

We're not entirely sure we're buying that the rejected, Sin City style video for Cooper Temple Clause comeback single Homo Sapiens was "leaked" onto YouTube - if it was done under the counter, we doubt their PR company would be sending us emails telling us about it.

Still, they're nice boys and it's a good video, so we're happy to pretend we're part of sticking it to the man by posting the link, rather than playing a role in a carefully-orchestrated web2.0 style media campaign.

music cooper temple clause youtube

Robbie Williams is not popular with the NUJ

This is a tough one: if you had to decide which side to support in a spat between Robbie Williams and the 3AM Girls, who would you go with?

In this case, it's http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=1930103the 3AM who are in the right - or at least, the Daily Mirror is. In a music industry which pays lip service to the idea that creative artists are rewarded for their work, Williams attempted to do the opposite. Photographers at his Milton Keynes show were told they'd only be allowed to shoot on the understanding that they gave copyright in all images to Williams and his management company; and that they would image approval.

The Mirror told them to get stuffed and ran a blank space instead.

Interesting side note: under his 2002 record deal, EMI has an interest in revenues from Williams' live activities, and thus would benefit from removing the rights of photographers to make a living by selling their own work. It's not quite the sort of copyright theft EMI rail against when they're acting as part of the RIAA-BPI, but it's similar.

music robbie williams

Q axes free CDs

The time-honoured way of shoring up music magazine circulation, the cover-mounted freebie CD, has had its day. Or so reckons Q, anyway, which is dropping the giveaways as part of a redesign which attempts to pin down exactly what it is that the magazine is about.

Q will now focus on usefulness, entertainment and quality, [editor Paul] Rees said.

Apparently, people who buy Q want "luxury":

"Monthly magazines have tried to be weeklies and distilled all the editorial down and forgotten that the reason people buy monthlies is to luxuriate in them. That's what you need to do — make it luxurious."

He added: "You have to not be instant. Trying to dive in there straight away with a band like the Arctic Monkeys — you can't stand out by trying to capitalise on that. You have to do things in a more considered way."

We think this means "a bit more Mojo-ey", in other words. Rees doesn't suggest how long he'd expect the Arctic Monkeys to be going before the new Q would mention them - in the meantime, it's going to be back to McCartney covers every other month, we suppose.

music q

Cartoon art

And from a ficitional band in a comic strip to a real band in a cartoon - the new Art Brut video, Formed A Band [Quicktime] is online for you to look at using a computer and eyes. There might be some unkind souls who suggest that the real Art Brut are more of a cartoon than their pen-and-ink alter egos.

Not us, though.

music art brut

Musicians strip

We're a sucker for a good music-related comic strip, so were delighted to come across Bassist Wanted, which is kind of like - if you'll allow us - the Doonesbury that hangs about backstage at the Black Horse and Rainbow. We especially enjoyed the mini-saga of central band, the Ambulance Men, as they set up their (second) MySpace page.

music comics bassist wanted

BPI calls for Jamie Cullums, not hospitals

In what might be one of the most surprising examples of special pleading we've seen outside of the nuclear industry, the BPI has called upon the government to give tax credits to underwrite the music industry's A&R functions.

In other words, redirect money from hospitals and education into the private companies of the record business.

They think it's a justified cause because:

A comparison with government figures from the DTI shows that record companies are as high as the pharmaceutical industry in their commitment to R&D.

Hmmm. So, the BPI believes that the work of uncovering the next Lily Allen (a process which would involve shouting "does anyone here have a daughter" through the door of the Groucho Club) is somehow on a par with developing a cure for cancer or a vaccine against river blindness? It seems to have missed the slightly more pressing point that drug research and development is a slightly more exacting process than sending a bloke off to the Barfly and hoping he'll remain sober enough to avoid getting punched by the girls he's hitting on before he gets a chance to find out the name of the support band's manager.

More importantly, are the record companies as deserving of our support as the drugs industry? If pharmaceutical companies were run as poorly as record businesses, and followed the same, safe path, we'd be in a country where the only drugs available for everything would be sixty-three slightly different variants of aspirin, a load of drugs being offloaded by American parent companies which don't actually work, and several dozen actual cures for everything locked away in the vaults because "the marketing guys don't think the GPs will prescribe them."

Still, let's just praise whoever it was at the BPI who spotted that there was a useful similarity between A&R departments and pharmacy businesses. One of them is known for burning through large sums of money pushing vast quantities of drugs around the place, while the others produces medicines.

music bpi tax

Copy dates

More live dates - again, mostly in London - from Xerox Teens, who'll be going all the way from Hoxton to, erm, Cheltenham:

Sep 28th - The Bar & Kitchen, Hoxton (with Pink Grease and Vatican DC)
Oct 5th - Barden's Boudoir, Dalston
14th - Barfly, Camden
20th - The Hub, Cheltenham
28th - Hedges And Butler, London W1
Nov 3rd - Lock Tavern,Sheffield
Nov 7th - Artrocker Night, Buffalo Bar, London

music xerox teen

Novel books diary dates

Good news from the My Latest Novel camp: they've landed a slot supporting The Hidden Cameras on a double-dream-date tour this autumn:

Novel + Cameras:
Fri 29 September Leeds Josephs Wells
Sat 30 Manchester Night And Day
Tue 3 October Glasgow Oran Mor
Wed 4 London Union Chapel

And then a couple of headline dates in their own right:
Fri 13 October Glasgow The Classic Grand
Sat 28 Greenock Arts Guild

music my latest novel hidden cameras

Sparks fly as BBC slaps down their dick

Sensing the ability to turn a small row into a PR opportunity, BBC London's decision to not play Sparks' new single on the Jono Coleman breakfast show has brought forth a flurry of press release:

"Ron Mael this morning raged: "the BBC has officially killed off our new single dick around, ostensibly through rather childish objections to the title, an innocent reference to the idle life.

That a piece of music can be condemned purely by its title without the 'decision makers' even having the decency to open the cd case is a travesty and an insult to both us as the creators of the music and to the listeners of the BBC"

To be absolutely honest, we're not sure the extent to which not getting played on the 179th most popular breakfast show in London is "killing off" the single, especially since the band found out they were banned while on the Jono Coleman breakfast show. Unless they think that being given a live interview is part of the BBC's plot against them - "they distracted us from appearing on the Chris Moyles show by tempting us up Marylebone High Street."

Russell mael responded "the reaction from the public to this record has been nothing but positive so the BCC (sic) should stop trying to be the morality police when it is so clearly misplaced"

We're not entirely sure what this means - that it's misplaced for the BBC to be the morality police? Or just misplaced on this occasion?

To be fair to Sparks, this does seem to be a slightly over-zealous interpretation of the rules, and, yes, we'd be a bit fed up at being dicked about like this. But there's an element of over-reaction on both sides, surely?

music sparks bbc london

Cat scratches Pope

Figuring "I'm already on the no-fly list, so where's the harm", Yusuf Islam has had a go at the Pope's deliberate stirring of the Islamic pot.

Thinking back to his days when, as Cat Stevens, he was a bit of a Catholic himself, Yusuf shook his head:

"At one point, I used to believe that the pope was infallible," Islam said, referring to teachings he received while attending a Catholic school as a boy.

The pontiff "should have looked elsewhere if he wanted to quote but we respect the pope and his position," he said, adding it was good Benedict had retracted his statement "in a way."

That way being, of course, as grudging a way as possible.

music yusuf islam cat stevens pope benedict

Carter breaks off Peniche

No sooner had Aaron Carter got engaged to Kari Ann Peniche onstage, than he's broken it off again:

"I got caught up in the moment and proposed. I then realized it was a hasty thing to do and I am not ready for marriage quite yet."

There is no reason to suspect this is all to do with a desperate attempt to drum up some interest in the Carter family reality series for E! tv.

music aaron carter kari ann peniche

Better nights; days unaffected

Just-ish announced: the full mini-tour planned by the Futureheads for the end of this year:

Preston 53 Degrees - November 25;
Glasgow ABC - 26;
Sheffield Leadmill - 27;
Wolverhampton Wulfrun Hall - 29; Warwick University - 30;
Falmouth Princess Pavillion - December 1;
Portsmouth Pyramids - 3;
Cambridge Junction - 4;
London Astoria - 5;
Newcastle Academy - 20

That's a nice little cheque Kate Bush can expect just in time for Christmas, then.

music futureheads

Scissors cut out by the "powers that be"

The Scissor Sisters have a compelling explanation for why they're more popular in the UK than in their home country.

No, it's not because the the US have less need for a B52s replacement.

It's a conspiracy, I tells you, a conspiracy:

"American music fans are just as musically open-minded as their British counterparts. But the powers that be in the US may not be as open-minded. Which, to a degree, will hold us back in the US.

"Tons of Americans would love our music, but they don't know we exist. People have lots of preconceived notions about us," Shears told Billboard. He added, "But they get over them by hearing us or seeing us live."

Like most conspiracy theories, this doesn't quite add up. How, exactly, would people be getting preconceived ideas of the band if the mysterious Powers That Be are blocking access to them? Unless media which doesn't have the ability to play music is covering them while those that can aren't.

And is Shears so sure that the preconceived notions are wrong? I'm not so sure people will be looking at photos of Jake in his dungarees and Ana in her glam-outs, and thinking to themselves "they're going to be something other than slightly obvious gay-pop by numbers writ large."

music scissor sisters jake shears

What a loss to the Asda ads Sharon Osbourne really was

It was odd enough seeing Sharon Osbourne scooping up armfulls of reduced DVDs in the Asda ads "to keep the kids quiet" when her children were all grown up and launching media careers (if Living TV2 counts as the media). But set against the context of Jack Osbourne's miserable autobiography account of his suicide attempt it just seems even more ill-judged. You don't need a £2-99 copy of Caddyshack II, Sharon, your kids are finding their own ways to keep themselves quiet.

Even more of a grim glimpse into the family life of the Osbournes is that, after his suicide attempt failed, the only person Osbourne Junior could think of to call was his therapist.

Not that the therapist was much use:

There was no small talk. I was weeping down the phone at him: "I think I tried to kill myself last night."

"OK, Jack. Promise me you'll stay home tonight. Don't leave your hotel room. Lock your door, turn your phone off. As long as you don't go out I think you'll be OK. Is there someone who can come and stay with you?"

Right... so your patient tried to kill himself last night because of crippling loneliness, and you're suggesting he sit alone in his hotel room with the door locked and the phone off the hook? Why not suggest he sit in the garage revving his engine along with it?

We wonder if anyone's suggsted to Shazza she gets Jack on for a "my struggle" interview? She could ask why he didn't phone home.

music jack osbourne sharon osbourne

An open letter to my teenage starlet

Banged-up and denied access, Michael Lohan is reduced to trying to contact his daughter the only way he knows how: by splashing the family's dirty laundry over the paper and sending an open letter to Lindsay:

“It pains me to have to write to you like this, but it’s evident that my letters never reach you. My messages never get to you and ‘people’ continue to build walls between us.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how very sorry I am for causing you (and our family) the heartache and embarrassment I have.

“I hold you absolutely blameless for all that’s been said and portrayed, as I know it has been under the advice of others, to sway both the courts and public opinion.

“I also know the pain that comes with love, especially when two hearts and lives are divided. Sometimes we run — we seek to hide or just escape from the pain.

In the meantime, people are either whispering in our ear, giving self-serving advice, or out to protect their own interests.

“Unfortunately sweetheart, while you are so talented and blessed you have become their interest! As I told you all along, this would happen.”

We're not sure who's whispering in Michael's ear, but bearing in mind he's locked in a jail, it might be best to not speculate. Especially when he says he knows the pain that comes with love.

music lindsay lohan michael lohan

Nylon fear a sight of McFly's lög unga fólksins

Nylon Nylon, who are huge back in home in Iceland, are forced to slog it round the UK supporting McFly. And while clearly they could rip McFly's heads off and have their blood made into cheese at the drop of a hat, they're happy to play along with the boys' new (ever-so-slightly) edgy image by pretending they were afraid of McFly's naked japes. Emilia says there's not be so much as a hint of an uncovered cock yet, though:

"We saw the pictures and we were a bit scared that we might meet them on stage naked.

"They've been really nice though. Danny, for example, knocked on our door just to say 'hi'. We have experienced very nice boys but I don't know, maybe we'll see some other side to them. At the moment they're just really nice to us."

What's really amusing is seeing a band who are at the peak of their powers having to be polite about McFly because, over here, Nylon are just the support:

"We might go out partying with them and there's still a few dates of the tour left. We'd like them to take us clubbing round London."

Actually, we can imagine fewer things worse than going clubbing round London with McFly - a nightout which would probably end around 8.30 with them taking their clothes off and, crazed on a half-bottle of Woodpecker Cider ("Hereford lightning"), crashing into the ball pit in a Hungry Horse play area.

music mcfly nylon

Diddy and Rooney: Gold'n' wonder potato

Having connected in some way with David Beckham on an earlier trip to Europe, P Diddy is keen to pull off the trick of showing he's relevant to the young people of Englandshire by hanging out with another soccergame player.

Rather than ringing Peter Crouch, though, he's had his people invite Wayne Rooney and the woman out the Asda trouser adverts as his guests for the MTV Europe awards.

Diddy is even rumoured to be planning an appearance at the Manchester United game in Copenhagen at the same time - where he'll feel at home, watching a bunch of overpaid prima-donnas sleepwalking through something that used to be a vital force that's turned into little more than a sponsorship opportunity.

music p diddy wayne rooney

George floats George

In the run up to his return to live performance, George Michael insisted it would all be about the music:

“As much as I don’t want to disappoint those people who want to see more of my bottom, I’m going to be less of a showman and more of a singer.

“Madonna has made it difficult for the rest of us but even if I gave myself another five years I’d never be able to fit into that bloody leotard!”

The emphasis on music over showy gestures was underlined by a giant inflatable George Bush being given a blow job by a dog.

music george michael george bush

Brown Sauce drummer prepares solo album

You heard - Noel Edmonds is working on an album - based on his book Scribbling on Your Hands Can Pay The Gas Bill ("Positively Happy").

No, we don't know how, either.

There's going to be a single as well:

“Noel’s very excited about the album and hopes the messages will help thousands.

“He’s keen to release one track as a leftfield single and see how it does.”

Apparently it's going to be soothing music and positive messages. Still, got to be better than James Blunt.

music noel edmonds

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Big Brother Pete: How long a supping spoon you'll need

For what shall it profit a man if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul? A pertinent question for both Saint Mark and Pete from Big Brother. Having won the competition, signed a deal with Guy Chambers, and dumped his old band, he's now going to have to suffer more of Chambers' plans to turn him into a cheeky chappy novelty act.

It includes a collaboration with Rolf Harris:

Having cleared the way for star collaborations with such musical luminaries as Rolf, Chambers has already penned a “techno thrash” number which will be Bennett’s debut single before the year is out.

Chambers reveals to BBC Six Music, “It's very fast. There's a lot of synths on it but also punky guitars. It's fun though, because he's all about that. He's a very up guy."

We've not heard it, of course, but we suspect Chambers means "fun" as in "fun pub" or "family fun day" or even "fun for all the family" rather than actually fun. We're also interested thta Chambers clearly feels there's something not-fun about "synths and punky guitars", so quickly does he have to reassure us that "it's fun" nevertheless.

Incidently, we did love Nikki's interview in the People today where she talked about Pete having dumped her, in which she tried to suggest there was a moral equivalence between her career as a five-hundred pound a night prostitute, sleeping with the likes of Pete Doherty (or "escorting" him, rather - there was, of course, no sex) and having the secret splurge out all over the Sunday papers, and Pete B being bisexual (something clear to anyone who saw more than four minutes of him in the Big Brother house) and being quite happy and open about it.

music pete bennett big brother

Everybody podcasts nowadays

It's the sensation what is sweeping the world - podcasts, podcasts, podcasts. Just throwing their quirky-cloured hat into the "actually, it's just a download, isn't it?" ring are Wilco, whose podcast doesn't even want you to buy anything. Much.

music wilco podcasts

As if the queues weren't bad enough at Heathrow

You can only take three items through security, and none of them can be made of plastic or paper or metal; you have to turn up seven days before you want to fly; and you have to endure having your crevices poked by a half-trained security guard looking for neutron bombs. Could the horror of Heathrow get any worse?

Yes, it can when Damon Albarn's passing through:

[He] was on his way to West Africa when he jumped on a luggage trolley and burst into song. Our spy in the check-in queue said: "He tried to get everyone to join in."

Don't they have men carrying guns there?

music damon albarn blur heathrow

Robbie Williams is not afraid to waste his money

Considering he's so depressed and everything, it's heartwarming that Robbie Williams is still functioning well enough to arrange to buy Ron Woods' signed guitar at a charity auction. For £16,000.

Perhaps he thought it would cheer him up.

Nice, of course, when celebrities turn up - or send emmisaries - to charity auctions and push the prices up so far that people who don't have two LA mansions don't stand a chance of ever winning the bids.

music robbie+williams

Doherty: Straight, out?

You could run a golf-buggy from here to Teignmouth powered on the rumours that Pete and Kate are about to tie the knot, so we'll approach the Sunday Mirror's story - that Doherty is off drugs and about to marry Moss - with caution until we see the ring and eat some of the cake.

The Mirror reckons Pete will be out of the Priory in forty-eight hours (although how that squares with his bail terms isn't clear) and married to Kate before you know it. Perhaps in Caribbean.

Well, the Happy Mondays seemed to enjoy Jamaica that time they went, after all.

music pete doherty kate moss babyshambles

Thom: Politeness is its own reward

Sandi Thom has come up with a cracking plan to make herself a success in the US.

Besides, obviously, getting her totally-deniable PR team to come up with something.

She's going to say please, thank you, thank you very glad:

British music in general is doing better there now. It is leading the way again and being influential. We're setting trends.

"The problem a lot of English bands had in the US is the wrong attitude and manner. Over there it's very much about manners and niceness and their music and image just didn't fit.

"Someone like James Blunt will work, a nice English boy. You can see that with someone like KT - you know people will like it.

"It's your manner as much as your music - you need to be wholesome."

That's why rap and hip-hop does so badly in the US - just not wholesome enough. And could you imagine, say, trying to launch Jackass or Girls Gone Wild in the States? You wouldn't stand a chance.

music sandi thom

Robbie Williams is not ill at all

Robbie Williams? He's not depressed, he's just tired, claims comedy gossip column character Rav Singh:

"I'm okay. I'm exhausted and haven't been home for ten months because of my tour and promoting my album.

"It's all got too much for me and I have been told to rest for two weeks. My South American tour is coming up and I want to be ready for that."

Not been home for ten months, eh? But hang on... weren't you at the opening of Soho house back in end March? In LA? Where you live?

music robbie williams

Katona: Almost ruined a lovely fireplace

Since the News of the World usually runs two or three "Kerry Katona is fond of coke" stories each edition, we're not entirely sure why they think today's Kerry Katona is fond of coke" story is quite as shocking as they seem to think.

Although having moved on from worrying about her, her family, and friends, the main focus of concern is now the furnishings and interiors:

A friend confessed: "We're all horrified by what happened to her. Kerry even scared herself this time. She went on a huge binge and got through about 20 one-gram bags of cocaine, and that's a lot even by her standards.

"Her mum Sue had to pin her to the floor to stop her head smashing on the marble fireplace."

God, yes... have you ever tried to get blood out of marble? It's a bloody nightmare, no pun intended.

Of course, this can't be true anyway, as Max Clifford has insisted:

"She does not take drugs and never has. It's totally untrue, total lies."

And Max would never fib.