Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Gordon in the morning: Hair appointment

It's a miracle there's anything on Bizarre today - not only because Gordon was busy explaining what a tight ship he runs over at the Leveson Enquiry yesterday, but because we now know the hours and hours and hours put into making sure all the stories are true and accurate. Who knows what lengths the Smarties went to in order to check whether the lyrics to a Jay-Z song were true, for example?

Still, some sort of kudos to the subs for sneaking a reference to Smart's day in court into an otherwise pointless bit on Wayne Rooney's ridiculous new Young James Herriot hairdo:

Looks like Rooney’s had the hairdryer treatment
Surely a reference to Gordon's evidence:
Smart says he has heard it mentioned that working for the Sun is like being centre forward for Manchester United; "if you don't score you'll get the hairdryer treatment and get dropped".


Monday, January 09, 2012

Drive-In comes back

Strictly speaking, At The Drive-In aren't reuniting, they've just officially been on hiatus for eleven years.

But whatever you call it, they're back together:

. ”ATTENTION ! To whom it may concern: AT THE DRIVE-IN will be breaking their 11 year silence THIS STATION IS …NOW…OPERATIONAL.”
To be honest, I don't think I'd ever noticed that they'd stopped working. It's a bit like when one of those people you didn't realise had still been alive until their obituary appears.


"Are you free, BRMB?" "I'm free"

Orion, the owners of BRMB in Birmingham, have decided to change the station's name.

To Free Radio Birmingham.

God help us all.

{Phil] Riley, the chief executive of Orion Media, said: "The decision to change the name of our stations after each one has been broadcasting in their areas under their original names for so long has not been easy or one that we have taken lightly.

"We have given this a great deal of consideration and undertaken detailed research. The original on air names of each station means a lot to all of us at Orion, and we know and understand the deep affection many people have for those names.
"But" continued Riley "we really don't care."

Oh, hang on, he didn't say that:
"However, the radio market has changed dramatically recently and we have to adapt and respond."
It's not entirely clear what "dramatic changes" have meant the only logical response is to throw away four decades of brand recognition and heritage (Mercia, Beacon and Wyvern are also being shorn of their names.)

So, what's the thinking behind the name? Some might wonder about the chutzpah of using "free radio" - usually a sign of a rebel group broadcasting against a despotic government rather than a Top 40 hits station with the weather forecast sponsored by Anglian Windows. So, is this the International Brigade of broadcasting?
Riley said the "Free Radio" name was chosen because it was "easy to remember, easy to spell, and is flexible enough to work in a number of different ways. It's not free as in cheap, it's free as in freedom to have a bit more character".
Ah. Freedom to have more character. Created by taking four distinct stations, each with their own character, and imposing a bland, marketing-driven blanket name over the lot.


Gordon in the courtroom

Gordon Smart has been giving "evidence" to the Leveson enquiry this morning; his written submission to the enquiry has just been published.

He seems to print an awful lot of photos of celebrity's kids for someone who takes the PCC code so seriously.

This bit is interesting, where Gordon talks about the use of "sources":

Without further corroboration, that story would not be published. This happens very occaSionally, For example, one member of my staff had a great contact linked to a female pop star. She was reluctant to reveal his/her identity because both she and her contact were aware I was close to the pop star in question and they had concerns about the contact’s anonymity being compromised. The story was published because I was able to corroborate the information officially through the PR company and my contacts.
Gordon also shares the process which went into the publication of the photo from Mani's mum's funeral, and - oh! - the heartbreaking difficulties he faced deciding to publish:
By way of example, this year I chose to print a picture of a band reunited for the first time in 20 years after an acrimonious split. The picture was taken by a pub barman at the wake of one of the band member’s mothers. After careful consideration I decided the story of their reunion was such a positive pieces of news, I felt we could publish the picture despite the circumstances in which it had been taken. The publication of this picture caused some upset at the time amongst certain relatives of the bereaved band member, but I have since spoken to him and he accepted that it was a fair decision to publish
You'll spot that the upset was amongst a number of relatives, who have turned into a "him" by the second clause of the sentence.

And you'd have to wonder at the mindset of a man who - even if a self-justification written months later - would think that it was "positive" that two people had met up at a funeral.

The other strange thing is that Gordon claims that all Bizarre stories are rigorously stood-up before publication; and yet this photo was published connected to a claim the Roses were reuniting. A tale which was pretty comprehensively rubbished as soon as it appeared. Unfortunately, Gordon's written evidence doesn't seek to connect how the story was simultaneously being stood up while being knocked down everywhere else. Perhaps a question for another day?


Twittergem: Lana Del Ray

Magazine tweets that it's about to publish a feature about the making of a different magazine's feature. Journalim has collapsed:


Gordon in the morning: Spray job

Gordon's second-biggest story this morning is him looking a photo of Kelly Rowland and speculating.

What does he speculate?

KELLY Rowland's stylist must have used a whole can of hairspray to make her barnet stay in place for this shot.
It's really hard coming up with stories these days, huh, Gord?


HMV confirms a miserable Christmas

HMV needed a good Christmas, or at least nothing worse than a mildly bad one. Santa didn't turn up.

Like-for-like sales were down 8.1% in the five weeks to the end of 2011. Unfortunately, given that they closed all those stores, this means actual total sales were down 16.6%.

Trying to find something positive to say, the former record shop chain offer that this is a "slowing" of the decline of the business. But presumably that's because there's not much left to fall away.


Sunday, January 08, 2012

Kesha points to Achilles' Heel, asks not be shot there

KeUSDha has announced to everyone that the next record will see her being vulnerable:

"I think that my first record was heavily influenced by Licensed To Ill and the Beastie Boys and that record is very brash and very sassy and very unapologetic and irreverent. And I love that," she told MTV. "I'm really proud of that, but I have learned over the past three years of doing this that being vulnerable doesn't mean you're weak.

"I very much want to be seen as a strong woman, but I realise that vulnerability can also be a strength."
Vulnerability, like eccentricity, can only really be pointed out by other people and not claimed for yourself, surely? I think what Kesha means is that her next record will demonstrate an understanding that vulnerability can also be a selling point.


Bowie at 65: Bookshelf

Looking to read something a bit more substantial about Bowie? How about this:


This is Dave Thompson's To Major Tom, a made-up correspondence between a teenager and Bowie which sees the Dame's career twists reflecting the growing pains of a teenage boy. You can also get it for your Kindle, if you're into that sort of thing.

Angie Bowie has printed a couple of autobiographies, which focus on her time married to Dave. Because, after all, what else would she have to write about? The best one is the earlier, 1981's Free Spirt, which sees Ange claim the credit for mostly everything Bowie ever said or did, and for inventing bisexuality. Oh, and in a spectacular fail for the literature editing business, also makes room for some of Angie's poems.

If you'd like something a bit more considered,Low in the 33 and a third series is a lovely piece of writing about a brilliant album. That's also Kindle-ised.

[Part of Bowie at 65]



Bowie at 65: The Tomorrow Person

A diversion into 1970s kids TV now, and the cross-pollination of ideas between Thames TV's Blake's Year Sevens series The Tomorow People, and Bowie:



[Buy: The Complete Tomorrow People on DVD]

[Part of Bowie at 65]


Bowie at 65: Since I was Six

One of the many tributes-in-song to Bowie. The Brian Jonestown Massacre's (David Bowie I Love You) Since I Was Six:



[Part of Bowie at 65]


Bowie at 65: Bowie saves 6Music

6Music is currently celebrating Bowie's birthday, as well they should, after he helped fight off closure:



Alright, it's actually Adam Buxton. But still... Bowie would have done it himself, if he could have.

[Part of Bowie at 65]


Bowie at 65: Bowie at 50

With acres of newstime to fill, it's easy to get attention for an anniversary these days - BBC News did a big splash about Steven Hawking's birthday a few minutes ago, which is a lot of attention for a very minor character from The Simpsons, when you think about it.

It wasn't so easy to get a full-on carnival celebration back in the last century, which makes this - BBC Two clearing an evening to mark Bowie's 50th birthday - almost as much of an achievement as the some of the events it chronicled.



[Part of Bowie at 65]


Bowie at 65: The Man Who Sold The World

Yes, yes, you're sick to death of the Lulu cover of the Man Who Sold The World. How about Suede doing it, though?



Bowie still, I think, holds the record for the man who has appeared on the cover of the NME the greatest number of times, including the time he shared the front page with Brett Anderson. "One day, son, all this will be yours" ran the coverline. Anderson has yet to collect.

[Part of Bowie at 65]


Bowie at 65: Twin Peaks

Anybody fancy a quick smattering of Bowie-related tat to mark the great man's 65th birthday? Too bad.

First up, here's Dave stinking up the screen in the Twin Peaks movie, Fire Walk With Me:



You know that something's gone incredibly wrong when one one of your key star's performance is so bad that he's given the "Tom Baker in the Five Doctors" treatment. Even although he actually turned up.

At the time, the claim was that David Lynch had planned a run of Peaks movies, with Bowie's character taking on the central role, but the idea was junked after seeing the rushes.

[Part of Bowie at 65]


This week just gone

The most-read No Rock Bowie stories of all time:

1. Telegraph announces Sting and Bowie plan to launch lapdance boats
2. Evan Davis blames David Bowie for killing the economy
3. Daily Star claims Ziggy Stardust will play Coachella
4. Video: David Bowie and Nine Inch Nails, together, live
5. Bowie considers early retirement
6. Carla Bruni covers Bowie
7. Bowie does Spongebob
8. Bowie joins Polyphonic Spree
9. Pixies to reform, open for Bowie. In 2003
10. Bowie's face up for sale

[Part of Bowie at 65]

These releases came from the week before Christmas crept over the country:


Charlotte Gainsbourg - Stage Whisper


Download Time Of The Assassins



The Music - The Last Dance Live


Download The Last Dance



X - The Unheard Music


Saturday, January 07, 2012

Those So Solid Crew members in full

In case you missed it because of the working week, and because of Wikipedia suddenly getting all up in your face about "accuracy", Enemies Of Reason and Profanity Swan both captured the full list of So Solid Crew members that appeared earlier this week.


Gordon in the morning: A wing of ITV PR

There's not really much in the Bizarre pages today, which makes it all the more obvious just how badly Gordon relies on the ITV press office feeding him filler is - there's three non-stories about Dancing On Ice, and an awful bit on the launch of a post-show programme for Take Me Out. Yes, Take Me Out:

ESSEX lothario Mark Wright is on a self-imposed dating ban to keep him out of the grasp of girls on his new Take Me Out show.
This is listed as a "TV exclusive by Lucy Connolly" - I suppose it's exclusive on the basis that nobody else would touch it with a long pole:
He said: "Take Me Out girls may be looking for Mr Right — but it's not Mark Wright.

"I'm single but there is no way I am dating anyone from the show. I'm working and I am too professional. It's not happening."
Man who struggles to deliver a line in the trail for a programme on ITV2 spun off a programme on ITV which nobody watches says that he won't be dating people who haven't even shown any interest in him. That's quite an exclusive.


Friday, January 06, 2012

Gordon in the morning: Sarah Harding returns from hell

Gordon Smart pulls a concerned face as Sarah Harding gives him an exclusive interview about her addiction to pills and booze.

If there's any doubt that this is an interview dictated by a flipchart with the words "Comeback: Media management" at the top, you just have to count off the clichés as they roll by:

She said: "I've been to hell and back.[...] My drinking was out of control [...] I was drinking to deal with my emotions after the split."
and so on and so on. You could probably write most of her quotes yourself.

How awkward for Gordon, though. The split which sent her over the edge was from Tom Crane. And what did Gordon say back when she broke-up in September?
By GORDON SMART, Showbiz Editor

Published: 28th September 2011

SARAH HARDING isn't moping about after her split from Tom Crane.The Girls Aloud star is keen to start a new chapter of her life after calling off her engagement to the DJ earlier this month.

The singer said: "I'm ready to take another leap. Hopefully the best is yet to come.

"I feel a little more at ease with what's going on in my life.

"I know where my career's at. I know what I want out of life."

Hopefully Bizarre's former Caner Of The Year will soon be back doing what she does best ... drinking bars dry.
Oddly, Gordon seems to miss the opportunity to apologise for not only adding to the pressure on Sarah by banging on about her love life in a national newspaper, but also wishing that she'd be out on the streets getting pissed.


Thursday, January 05, 2012

Gordon in the morning: Back to Paris

Gordon brings news of an attempt by Paris Hilton to relaunch her music career with a house album.

House, Paris?

She said: "I have a huge passion for house music. It always has been my passion. I just haven't been able to focus on it, because I have been doing reality TV for so long now.
Yeah, I could see how you'd have to do a bit of TV, in order to get a few quid behind you before launching your house career.

Oddly, though, IMDB suggests she made eight episodes of something called The World According To Paris last year, and nothing else since the BFF thing spluttered to an unwatched halt in 2009. Not exactly the most demanding of schedules.

Still, when it comes to house, Hilton is something of an expert:
"There are just so many great DJs right now. And I should know – I've been to over 100 raves in the past year, so I've heard every type of music."
Really? You've been to raves where pubrock, shoegaze, lion rock and raggle-taggle have been played? I guess that would command some sort of respect.

But why is Gordon even wasting his time regurgitating this FHM interview?
Topless Paris Hilton is in the house
Ah, that would be it. I know for a fact Judge Jules got his big DJing break by pulling his bodystocking down for FHM.


Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Sugar Hill Gang seeking unpaid cash

RIAA stalwart company Universal has apparently been so busy lecturing the world about how taking things without paying is wrong that it appears to have forgotten to pay any royalties to any Sugar Hill label artists for years and years.

The Sugar Hill Gang and other acts are now suing.

[Related: Sylvia Robinson obituary]


Beyond Oblivion lives up to its name

Fair enough, QTrax. You're no longer the least together of the high-profile music streaming services. There's a new kid in town, tripping over its own feet. Or rather, there isn't, as Beyond Oblivion has folded before launching.

It managed to burn through over fifty million quid, including some from News Corporation. But didn't stream a single track to a single consumer.

Kidron said in a statement to the Daily Telegraph: "Beyond was always a tremendously grand ambition as the advances required by the record labels and music publishers were substantial, reflecting the breadth of the rights required to create a true digital music one-stop."
Well, it certainly did the stopping bit.


BPI almost sound upbeat; fall back on to wailing about piracy

Half a point for making the effort to the BPI for trying to make their New Year press release about 2011 sales sound slightly upbeat:

MUSIC SALES SLIP IN 2011 BUT DIGITAL SINGLES AND ALBUMS GROW STRONGLY
In the past, that headline would have been written the other way round, splattering the silver lining with the mud of despondency.

Does this mean the BPI is slowly coming to terms with the new world; accepting that they're lucky to have emerged out of the last ten years with any sort of business at all?

Nope. Much of the press release is given to the usual wailing about the nasty pirates. Chief Executive Geoff Taylor starts it off:
“British artists continue to produce incredible music that resonates at home and around the world. But while other countries take positive steps to protect their creative sector, our Government is taking too long to act on piracy, while weakening copyright to the benefit of US tech giants. The UK has already fallen behind Germany as a music market. Unless decisive action is taken in 2012, investment in music could fall again – a creative crunch that will destroy jobs and mean the next Adele may not get her chance to shine on the world stage.
Yes, god forbid that the government doesn't do as the BPI orders, lest the music industry lose out to American owned tech companies. Which would be a tragedy for the Japanese and American owned music industry, of course.

Taylor isn't an idiot, and he knows that it's probable that Germany's music industry has benefited not from any magic measures against piracy - "ooh, those umlauts are too hard to force through a torrent filter" - but from having had (for much of 2011) a stronger economy. Germany is a larger economy; it's got lower unemployment and lower inflation and the average German earns more than the average Brit - surely its surprising that it took so long for the UK to fall behind Germany in terms of music purchases? Taylor isn't an idiot. So why does he allow a news release to be circulated that makes him sound like one?

Tony Wadsworth, who chairs the BPI, also has something to say. The second paragraph of his thoughts at this magic time of year focuses on piracy:
“Led by Adele, Jessie J, Coldplay, Ed Sheeran and others, records by British artists in 2011 achieved both critical and commercial success both at home and around the world. But the challenge of sustaining this performance against a backdrop of chronic piracy means that Government action remains absolutely crucial for British artists and their labels.”
Adele again. In fact, Adele had the whole of Tony's first paragraph just dedicated to her success:
“The spine-tingling performance by Adele at The BRIT Awards 2011 fired the starting gun on her incredible and well-deserved year of success. Her achievements are phenomenal – the biggest-selling album this century, the best seller of 2011 by miles, her debut album also making the year-end top five, not to mention her fantastic success overseas
As the press release points out, Adele's sales aren't just the impressive for this one-eighth of a century; they're just impressive, full stop:
Adele’s 21 reaches 3.8m sales – the biggest-ever selling album in a single year.
Unfortunately, this does tend to fire a big hole in the heart of Geoff and Tony's demand that something must be done about piracy to save the music industry. Despite all this "chronic" piracy going on, Adele's album has sold more copies in a year than any album has ever sold. More than a Michael Jackson album managed in a year, even the good one. More than a Beatles album ever managed to whisk out the shops in twelve months. More, even, than the third Charlatans album sold in a year.

So, how come Adele's album was not only immune to the chronic piracy, but thrived in a world so stricken? Had there been secret umlauts sewn into the hemlines of the choruses, rendering it impossible to torrent?

Were any of the many pirate-busting measures deployed? Did the pre-release circulate solely on a tape glued into a Walkman? Was every copy watermarked? Did a fleet of fake files get launched onto the internet to foil downloaders? Did Derren Brown hypnotise the world so that if they typed 'Adele 21 free' into Google they'd die?

Nope. The success of Adele's album seems to be nothing to do with avoiding piracy, and more to do with sticking out an album that people liked and wanted to buy.

Now, it's possible that in a world without torrentsearch, Adele might have sold more copies still of her record. But even so, she has sold more copies of 21 than any album has ever sold, even before home-taping killed music.

The conclusion has to be that if we don't see other records selling in large numbers, it's not because of chronic piracy, but chronic releases.

Look at the other names Wadsworth throws around - Jessie J, who is alright in a Nookie Bear Sings The Black Eyed Peas way; Coldplay, an act who can't even hide their own boredom with their music most days; Ed Sheeran, a singer so devoid of charisma promoters regularly close down his live act mid-set because they simply don't notice he's on stage. And these are the acts that Wadsworth picks out as the marshmallows in the box of Lucky Charms.

Since they're bobbing about on a sea of singing squadie spouses and ten year's worth of build-up of Cowell dung, you can see why Wadsworth felt that was the best he could do. There's people who will always be excited by music, but for big sales you need to get that ripple of connection, of interest, beyond those people and out into the wider public. The people who will buy an album from time-to-time, if it's a better way of spending their money than a computer game, or a bottle of wine, or a chip supper. With the best will in the world, Olly Murs is never going to win a struggle with a pickled egg and a can of Irn Bru.

It's not piracy. There's no need for the government to legislate. Unless the action they take is to pass a law forcing major labels to introduce quality control.


Gordon in the morning: Aah, aah, aah, aah

Let's leave Gordon's desk for a while, and look instead over at the Sun's health pages. They have news about a public education campaign:

THE Bee Gees hit Stayin' Alive is at the heart of a new campaign launched today — to save the lives of cardiac arrest victims.
[...]
It says that pumping the chest at between 110 and 120 beats per minute — the same rate as the 1978 hit — is more effective than a poor breath resuscitation attempt.

The charity is launching the TV campaign, backed by the UK Resuscitation Council, aiming to give people confidence to use the CPR technique.

Actor and former soccer ace Vinnie Jones will feature in the "Hard And Fast" ads showing people the proper way to do chest compressions in 40 seconds.

No word on what you should do when you reach the middle eight.

In other "news", Lee 'elpehants are dying' Ryan had been due to go into the Big Brother house but has apparently been dumped after asking for too much money.

It's a pity for Ryan - looking at the rest of the rumoured line-up (the other one from Pineapple Dance Studios; someone from The Only Way Is Essex; a couple of people who've actually appeared on terrestrial television some years back) it might have been the first time he'd have been the most famous person in a room.

He's going to be replaced by Romeo, who was one of the So Solid Crew but presumably has been selected on the strength of his more recent work, as a best man in Don't Tell The Bride.


Tuesday, January 03, 2012

N'Dour announces run at presidency

Youssou N'Dour has confirmed he'll be standing as a candidate in the Senegalese election.

The BBC News report reminds everybody that he recorded Seven Seconds with Neneh Cherry, although surely in 2012 N'Dour must be better-known than either that single or Neneh Cherry?


Monday, January 02, 2012

Alan McGee accepts the blame

In Q Magazine's How To Buy Creation Records feature, Alan McGee issues an apology:

Ride were great from the first day I met them. They were shoegaze with tunes - a massive influence on bands like Coldplay. I hold myself responsible for fucking up their career by introducing them to The Byrds and The Beatles.
Actually, McGee is being uncharacteristically harsh on himself - certainly The Beatles were there from the get-go, as Tomorrow Never Knows shows.


Gordon in the morning: Inspector Madge

Gordon excitedly reports that Madonna is investigating who has been leaking her rotten new tunes early:

Madonna had her magnifying glass and notebook out too, conducting her own Sherlock Holmes-style investigation into a costly "leak" in her camp.
You might have thought the mention of Sherlock Holmes would have been to create some sort of link to her ex-husband's rotten new Sherlock movies, but instead it's just to allow this bit of Photoshop horror:
You'd have thought Marple would have been the more obvious reference point. Or, given that this is about detectives and people listening to things they shouldn't, maybe this?
Perhaps he couldn't find a decent picture of Glenn Mulcaire in a hurry. Or maybe, like everyone else at News International, he can't quite remember who Mulcaire is, or what he does, or anything.

As with all detective stories, there's a fall guy. In this case, a Spaniard who put a leaked track online:
A source said: "Her camp were aware of the Spanish character because he was an annoying super-fan.
Oh, yes. Fans are so very annoying, aren't they? How fortunate that with each passing day, Madge has fewer and fewer of those to worry about.

It seems the leaks originate with people close to Madonna:
It would have to be someone close to get access to that kind of material. It's clear a serious betrayal has been going on.
Gordon seems outraged at the idea of someone close to Madonna leaking stuff out. A couple of paragraphs after running an anonymous quote from a source which - if not a made-up quote - would, erm, have had to have come from someone close to Madonna.


Sunday, January 01, 2012

Mani says goodbye to the Primals

In order to concentrate on counting the money from The Stone Roses' reunion, Mani has stepped down from Primal Scream after last night's Edinburgh New Year gig.

The NME reports on that set:

Bobby Gillespie and co played a career-spanning 12 song set, divided into two halves by the traditional new year bells and fireworks.
A career-spanning set, eh?
'Movin' On Up'
'Slip Inside This House'
'Don't Fight It, Feel It'
'Damaged'
'Accelerator'
'Shoot Speed/Kill Light'
'Loaded'
'Come Together'
'Swastika Eyes'
'Country Girl'
'Jailbird'
'Rocks'
I hope the NME has its tongue in its cheek - Primal Scream might want to pretend that the first two albums never happened; you have to worry that the current NME hasn't even hearded of them.


Kelly Clarkson endorses, distances self from Ron Paul

Kelly Clarkson appears to have switched sides, announcing that she loves Ron Paul.

And then, after discovering that it wasn't a popular idea, trying to sort-of-half-endorse him:

"I do not support racism. I support gay rights, straight rights, women's rights, men's rights, white/black/purple/orange rights. I like Ron Paul because he believes in less government and letting the people (all of us) make the decisions and mold our country. That is all. Out of all of the Republican nominees, he's my favorite."
Aw, yes - who cares about the racism and the homophobia when he'll make government smaller?

In other words: Kelly Clarkson is happy to endorse anyone, regardless of how shady their character, providing she pays less tax as a result.


Happy New Year

If one thing was clear from the awful, bitty soundtrack of the Olympic year heralding fireworks in London at midnight, this is the year sport is going to try and destroy music forever.

Let's not let that happen.

Happy New Year, everybody. Let's see what 2012 has in store, shall we?