Shirley Manson is Kim Gordon, who is Tori Amos

It turns out that Buzzfeed's which whatever thing are you quiz might not be based on 100% scientific accuracy:

@ivygrayklein @perpetua first I got tori Amos than I got me!

— Kim Gordon (@KimletGordon) February 1, 2014

Post by Garbage.

Moriarty is also hopping mad after being told he was Una Stubbs when he too which Sherlock character are you?


[Lifted almost shamelessly from Slate]

Embed and breakfast man: Dum Dum Girls

Ah, let's cleanse our palette with a virtually brand-new video from the Dum Dum Girls, shall we?



As a bonus, here's the band on Letterman from last month:

Brits 2014: The morning after

A couple of thoughts as the 2014 circus passes into history.

First: If Kate Moss mumbling something about Scotland is the most outrageous thing to happen, congratulations: your awards ceremony is officially moribund.

There is an interesting point, though: if Scotland does break from the UK, would it have an influence on the Brits?

Not really. None of last night's winners are Scottish. None of the performers were Scottish. I don't think any of the award presenters were Scottish.

Bowie might have been better off sending the message 'Scotland, join us' rather than 'stay with us'.

For the record, here's the full list of winners:
British Male Solo Artist - David Bowie

British Female Solo Artist - Ellie Goulding

British Group - Arctic Monkeys

British Breakthrough Act - Bastille

British Single - "Waiting All Night" by Rudimental ft. Ella Eyre

British Album Of The Year - AM by Arctic Monkeys

Best Video – One Direction

International Male Solo Artist - Bruno Mars

International Female Solo Artist - Lorde

International Group - Daft Punk

Global Success - One Direction

Critics' Choice - Sam Smith

British Producer Of The Year - Flood & Alan Moulder

Today just tried to draw the Arctic Monkeys on the Scotland issue, and got rewarded with one of those sub-Lennon "witicisms" rather than an answer. Their desire to not say anything upsetting confirms they've passed a certain point in their career - the Muse Horizon - where they just turn up with album after album that sounds a bit like the last one; the record business assumes they're some sort of edgy, alternative act; and everyone does very nicely out of this drifting along. Apart from the fans.

Finally:

#Brits2014 host James Corden interrupted a speech from Prince to take a selfie #r4today pic.twitter.com/TqxOCADL2H

— BBC Radio 4 Today (@BBCr4today) February 20, 2014

You can see Prince thinking "aaaand this is why I don't do this sort of thing."

Brits 2014: Liveblog

6.50pm
Welcome to the No Rock & Roll Fun Brits liveblog. For younger viewers, a liveblog is like a bunch of tweets, but without anyone reading them.

The red carpet is underway - this year the Osbournes are being delivered flat-packed, and assembled inside the O2, but there's still plenty for the masses to see.

Angus Deayton sharing a joke with rubber-faced comedian Phil Cool; Robin Nedwell out of that band that Denis managed on Corrie. And June Sarpong, with nobody quite sure why she's there, repeating a tradition now stretching back ten years.

Actually, BBC News just had a chat with Lily Allen on the red carpet. That's where the barrier of expectations has been set for the evening, everybody.

7.00pm
If you fancy staring at a bunch of logos, the Daily Mirror has a rather stuttery livestream of arrivals. At the moment, the old Independent Television For Schools And Colleges countdown logo has arrived and is posing for photos:

7.02pm
As we wait for people to drift by the Mirror's camera - ooh, look, there's a bored girl texting - here's a quick catch-up on what we can expect.

Yes, that. God help us all.

7.05pm
ITV2 also have a live red carpet "event", although that's even less slick than the Mirror's, and is going out on proper television, too.

So this morning, Robbie Williams was being quoted on the Radio 4 Today programme bemoaning that nothing exciting happened last year. Given he was one of the performers, and could have done something exciting had he chosen to, that seemed a bit rich.

Alexis Petridis tried to probe this 'boring' problem a bit more deeply in yesterday's Guardian:

In the runup to this year's Brit awards, the organisation's new chairman, Christian Tattersfield, has struck a bullish, even combative note.

He acknowledges that last year's event was a pretty dull evening for all concerned – "last year could have been better … we lacked superstars… so that took a bit of the edge off". Nevertheless, he is not a man given to fondly recalling the Brits of the past. Then it was a "shambles", now it is "an important event of gravitas, rather than just a shoddy knees-up".

"We needed to stop the mayhem," Tattersfield says, before offering assurances to anyone who thinks all this talk of gravitas suggests that 2014's ceremony, heading to us on Wednesday, promises to be as dull as its predecessor. "James Corden wants to put in a performance as host that creates the excitement we all talk about. We're saying to James, 'Go for it – let's all have some fun.'"

This is the problem: for viewers, a Brits watercooler moment would end in the words "and he got punched in the face, but even frame-by-frame on Sky Plus it wasn't clear if it was Holly Walsh who hit him or not"; but for the organisers, it'd be "... and then Jamie Cullum and Emeli Sande were joined on stage by Sting, and he had his zither with him."

Rizzle Kicks interviewing Rick Astley on ITV2, there.

7.15pm
The big story today - bigger, even, than PopJustice liveblogging whether to liveblog - has been the cheesy attempts Mastercard made to get some leverage from sponsoring tonight's event.

In effect, they asked journalists to wank on a webcam for tickets; the good seats where you could see Kylie needed a cumshot.

More or less:

The email reportedly from House PR reads: “Firstly as part of our Priceless Surprise we are putting on cars to take guests directly to the awards – we will be booking your car to take both yourself and Katy from the office at 4:30pm. Are you happy with these details?

“In addition – in return for this ticket we would like to ask that you agree to the following…” It then lists a number of conditions.

Dawbell, who handle the official PR for the Brit Awards told The Independent: “We’ve made no such asks of our invited media, which are the majority of journalists attending. This request has come from Mastercard’s PR company.”

It even suggested the words attendees might like to tweet, both from their personal accounts, and their publication's twitterfeed.

How did that work out for you, Mastercard?

This took me at least four minutes. #PricelessSurprises pic.twitter.com/H5BLN1pWbc

— Bobble Bardsley (@bobblebardsley) February 19, 2014

Elsewhere on Twitter, people are posting pictures of One Direction arriving at last year's ceremony to wind up One Direction fans. Frankly, though, given the live pictures are of James Corden hugging both Rizzle and Kicks out of Rizzle Kicks, you'd be better off with a photo from happier times.

7.22
ITV2 now getting older people to listen to this year's albums because it's funny, right? David Bowie is nominated and is 67.

7.25
Keith Lemmon's turned up. Time to take a short break for tea.

7.30

Time is the Brits?

— The Official Niamh. (@Niamh_Mx) February 19, 2014

Is this a SUPERSECRETREFERENCE that PRINCE has reformed TIME for a SUPERSECRETPERFORMANCE or merely someone missing the word "what" from the start of a Tweet?

Holy fuck remember Ben Howard at the Brits last year? He was unbelievable

— caoimhe (@caoimherella) February 19, 2014

To be honest, you can't remember Ben Howard three minutes after seeing him (does he wear a hat?), never mind twelve months on.

7.45
Yes, Five Seconds Of Summer are attending the event. I literally cannot express how this makes me feel. No... hang on... it's not I can't express it; it's just not making me feel anything.

7.58
We're nearly there. The tension is building. I ill-advisedly went with linguine and now have sauce on my face.

James Corden is presenting for the fifth time this year - he did one with his comedy partner Horne, and the other three with a growing sense of desperation. He says its the last time, but he might just be trying to get us on side.

8.00
Usual warning about flashing lights, and we're in with The Arctic Monkeys. Oh, with big flaming letters. Still doing the fire thing in lieu of spectacle, are you, Brits?

Alex Turner is wearing a jacket made from Crunchie wrappers.

8.04
It's not exactly a barnstorming start. More like a minor squall over a shed. Everyone is watching very politely, though.

It's a stage in the middle of lots of chairs and tables layout this year, which means the entire audience is sitting down. Live coverage of supper.

Shhh... James Corden's coming on.

8.06
hahahahahahahahahah HE'S ON FIRE

James tells us that British acts have taken the world by storm over the last twelve months. Really? If you bet without One Direction?

"How good were the Arctic Monkeys?" Meh, actually.

It's the biggest and coolest line-up on the Brits, apparently.

Ooh, we at home can vote for one of the awards. Video of the year, via Twitter. How very modern.

8.08

Shortlist: John Newman, Ellie Goulding, Naughty Boy, Calvin Harris and One Direction.

There's not really any point in voting, is there? It's basically inviting One Direction fans to choke up Twitter, thereby preventing people from moaning about the show there. Cunning.

8.10
Prince has come on to present an award. He's wearing a big hat and accompanied by his band.

Hahahahahahahahaha Corden does a selfie.

For younger viewers, Prince once had a hit with a cover of Tom Jones' Kiss.

It's the female solo artist.

Shortlist: Goulding, Mvula, Marling, Birdy, Jessie J

Surprise! It's Ellie "playing tonight" Goulding. Whoever would have thought?

Goulding looks like she's regretting her choice of dress and shoes as she makes heavy weather of coming to the stage Goulding thanks the people around her who have their hearts in what she does. Sounds messy.

8.15
First break of the night.

By the way: I know Kiss wasn't a Tom Jones' song; it was by Age Of Chance.

That's why the Brits should be on BBC #BRITs2014

— ⚒ Caen ⚒ (@CaenBowditch) February 19, 2014

Good god, no; the adverts are the only respite we get. This is probably the only national event which is improved by ITV stopping to flog M&Ms every five minutes.

Over on Twitter at the moment, One Direction fans are noticeably struggling with the voting instructions for the video prize.

8.18

if you're watching the BRITs over the champions league then you need to reevaluate your life

— andrew (@andrewli11ey) February 19, 2014

Apparently this is a reference to football.

They're really dragging out the Kylie break bumpers, aren't they?

"The atmosphere here is electric" says James Corden, an original thought a lesser presenter might not have been able to put into words.

Katy Perry is coming on to do her turn now. Remember she was slagging off Miley Cyrus for being too sexualised, so let's see what she's got planned.

She thinks she's come on as Cleopatra, but really she looks like someone trying to do Susannah Hoffs for an 80s themed fancy dress night.

8.20
Perry is being pulled round the stage on a small trolley, like a singing bunch of sandbags.

Oh, she's taken off her coat and is now doing her dance routine in a skintight leotard.

I say dancing. It's mostly standing and pointing.

Her backing dancers are now twerking their tushes off. See, Miley? It's not cheap if you pay someone else to do it.

ITV try for an audience reaction shot, but it's just the tops of lots of heads sat at tables.


8.22
International male solo artist. It's Kylie and Pharrell.

Kylie is in something that looks like a Toto Coleolo binliner original; Pharrell invites the audience to make some noise for Kylie, like they might have been cheering him.

Shortlist: Bruno Mars; Eminem; Drake; John Grant; Justin Timberlake

For younger viewers, Justin Timberlake is the man who invented MySpace, which was like Facebook with colouring pens.

Bruno Mars wins, and brings an small entourage with him to pick up the award - all of whom are probably capable of making records more engaging than Mars seems capable of. If I were John Grant - and frankly, I could be, as he's so anonymous - I'd be feeling cheated.

Oh, what's that, Bruno? You're playing tonight? And you won a prize? What are the odds?


8.26
We're not doing the first album nomination - Derek Bowie's The Next Day. There's a little film with some words and things.

Onto Breakthrough - Tinie Tempah and Fearne Cotton are coming on. Not to one of Tinie's songs, oddly.

Fearne is wearing one of those foil blankets you get when you complete a marathon.

Shortlist: Odell, London Grammar, Bastille, Mvula, Disclosure

Bastille - who I think might be playing tonight - get the prize. "Their name derives from Bastille Day" a helpful voice informs us, in case you thought they couldn't spell the name of the sweets properly.

8.30
"This is so unexpected". Really? You had a 20% chance. Can't be that surprising.

"Look who I'm sat with" says James Corden, who's sitting down with One Direction at a table. Corden does a joke about Justin Bieber being raped in prison.

8.31
Another break.

I BET 5SOS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE USING PHONES DURING BRITs

— Abbey | 5sos ♥ (@iHemmoCrew) February 19, 2014

I suspect half of the people who have to show up because its their job are playing Candy Crush. Actually, judging by the lack of atmosphere in the room, it's possible everyone is on the phone there.

8.37
Bruno Mars is doing the song in return for his award. Corden calls him "the finest showman in the world right now"; but then Corden hasn't seen that Chinese Elvis impersonator in Tunbridge Wells.

What does it say on Mars' hat? Angel Kitty?

I haven't really noticed the song. It's like a vegan version of the Jackson 5.

8.41
The song just stops.

Corden does a joke that suggests that Bruno Mars might be uncomfortable around gay men.

Next album is Rudimental. Unlike Bowie, they talk in their little film. THEY NEED IT MORE. Don't show them that you need it, boys. Act aloof. Cold. Like the big, cold, empty O2.

"We wrote it as music, not as a genre" they explain, helpfully. Which is lucky, as their producer doesn't know how to read genre.

Lily Allen is back, trotting on to give British Group.

Shortlist: Arctic Monkeys; Bastille; Disclosure; Rudimental; One Direction.

Tell us Lily, who is it?

Arctic Monkeys! Who played earlier this evening! So surprise!

8.46
Alex is no longer wearing his golden jacket. There's a laconic acceptance speech that will at least please the prioducers as they keep on schedule.

Critic's Choice now, or the 'who will labels pour money into until you're sick of them'.

It's Sam Smith.

Sam Smith was the lead character in the sitcom Goodnight Sweetheart, where he was played by Nicholas Lyndhurst.

8.48

if you think one direction should have one, i'm sorry but you're not just annoying, you're stupid

— ❁ (@meglikesalpacas) February 19, 2014

I'm not saying anything.

We're back from the third break, in time for the Global Success award, or the 'please come, One Direction, we'll make up a prize for you.'

Rosie Huntington Thingymy is going to do the honours here.

I really hope Arctic Monkeys fans take to Twitter to complain about One Direction winning this over their band.

8.54
Rosie announces One Direction like it was a surprise. Even after showing a film of them.

OH MY GOD THEY HAVE GONE AS A FOUR PIECE MAYBE THEY HAVE SPLIT CURLY HAS LEFT LARRY, MOE, AND THE OTHER TWO. BREAKING NEWS I THINK I'M GONNA HURRRRRL.

Styles trots on late saying he was having a wee.

OH MY GOD HARRY HAD HIS PENISES OUT AND WAS WAVING THEM AROUND LITERALLY SECONDS AGO I AM GONNA DIE FOR HONEST.

8.56
They're putting Beyonce on halfway through? Really? I know they don't want to have to fade her down for the news but... surely this is peaking way too soon?

Beyonce wants us to sing along with her. Mostly she's on a massive screen behind her own head, which is like watching a grainy TOTP performance on a TV on the other side of a pub.

But it's Beyonce. She's the first thing this evening where it doesn't matter the room is full of Universal's accountants eating pies.

And she's got a glittery dress that actually glitters on screen.

9.01

Not even watching the Brits but whys Beyoncé performing? Isn't she a bit too high up for that

— Queen T (@Toyosi_Raheem) February 19, 2014

Yes. Way, way, too good for this.

9.02
Noooooo! Come back Beyonce. Don't leave us with... with... this Cordenism.

9.03
Best British Single. Katy Perry is going to give the prize away. She does a plug for her tour.

Shorlist: Rudimental; Calvin Harris; Disclosure; Bastille; Naughty Boy; Olly Murs; Passenger; John Newman; Ellie Goulding; One Direction.

The winner is Rudimental. Katy Perry nods her approval, in that 'I'm not quite sure who they are but I'm sure it's a good choice' way that parents often do when you talk about music.

Rudimental "didn't expect this". Everyone turned up with low expectations tonight, then, and to be fair most of the evening hasn't let them down.

9.06
The Arctic Monkeys try to summon up some enthusiasm for talking about the record in their best album film. They don't quite manage it.

The tweets about Beyonce and the Brits are beginning to drown out the footy ones...Guys!! This is our night! Don't let it happen!

— Gappy Bond (@Gappybond) February 19, 2014

Apparently football and music are now in a state of war.

Another break.

9.12
Disclosure and Lorde are teaming up. It's like a crazy two-for-one deal, like at Dominos on a Tuesday when you can have a pizza and another pizza that's a bit different but still basically a pizza for the price of one.

There's a strange Lorde-face-made-out-of-lights hovering over the stage. That's got to be off-putting.

9.15
It's pleasant enough, but...

Oh god, somebody please do something INTERESTING! #brits

— OstaVaye (@OstaVaye) February 19, 2014

AlunaGeorge turning up doesn't quite cut it.

9.17
Bastille's little film about the album what they made now on.

And we're on to International Group.

Shortlist: Daft Punk, Haim, Kings Of Leon, Arcade Fire, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Nicole Sherzzzinger announces Daft Punk, who cannot be with us tonight because they've got better things to do. Nile Rodgers comes on, though, and he's playing tonight, so that keeps things square, right?

For younger viewers, Nile Rodgers was the bloke who got in the way of the guy with the iPad at Glastonbury.

Rodgers claims the award as belonging to everyone connected with the record, which is a bit like he's elbowing his way in.

9.23
Corden is with Kylie. He's doing a bit of business about the name of her album. Because it sounds like she wants hier to kiss him.

Kylie tries to look like she's enjoying being ribbed about being single.

More commercials.

9.28

not completely sure of what the brits is to be perfectly honest

— justin hills (@olisexysykes) February 19, 2014

The what isn't difficult, surely? It's the why, isn't it?

Good lord, apparently they're still making The Only Way Is Essex.

9.30
The last of the best album film goes to Disclosure - "everyone on blogs was getting so excited". Yeah. You'll find that about people with blogs. But what do they know?

9.31
Goulding up now - Corden says she "really came into her own with her second album". I suppose getting to the end of the first one and still having a record deal is something of an achievement in its own right these days.

Goulding dressed like Miss Havisham but with a giant guitar.

No, hold on, she removed the demure top layer to reveal a bra top and hot pants. SHE WAS DRESSED ALL SEXY UNDERNEATH. Why has nobody ever thought of that provocative move before?

9.35
This song really only exists to soundtrack an advert for one of those summer holidays where you have to do things, doesn't it? Shot of people rock climbing - "burn burn" - shot of people walking down beach - "burn burn".

British male now, with Noel Gallagher dragged up to present it. Sadly not in the 'wearing drag' sense.

He goes straight to nominations with all the charm of a man asking the owner of a red Fiat to move their car as it's blocking the back door.

Shorlist: Bugg; Odell; Blake; Newman; Bowie.

Ironically for a man who appeared with a mask covering his face, David Bowie wins against the faceless interchangable hordes.

Kate Moss comes on to accept to Bowie's behalf. David's given her something impenetrable to read. Everyone's a bit confused.

9.40
They're picking up the pace all of a sudden. Nick Grimshaw to do international female. "Can we have a round of applause for James Corden? Bloody killing it..."

Nominations: Perry, Monae, Pink, Lorde, Lady GaGa

Lady GaGa! I remember her! Wasn't she one of the scissor sisters?

Lorde wins the prize, though. Oddly, she was performing a few moments ago.

9.42
Lorde says she feels like her brain's exploding. Actually, is that Lorde or has Darlene from Roseanne nipped on stage to pick up the prize?

Corden is now sitting with Pharrell and Rodgers, doing some jokes about his hat. I hope they spin this out into a sitcom.

Oh, god. Keith Lemon has now appeared - BUT HE'S WEARING A HAT TOO. My sides are in danger of overflowing like the Thames did.

Everything shambles into some more commercials.

9.45

Keep talking Pharrell - its not like they'll cut off the poor sod at the end when they try and make a speec... oh wait

— Darren Hemmings (@mr_trick) February 19, 2014

Just when they'd picked up the pace, too.

Now I know that when Nile Rodgers says "I'm having a blast" it actually means "Please, call me a taxi".

— Simon (@HungryHatter) February 19, 2014

Nile's hating every fucking minute. He hates this more than he hates X Factor. #BRITs2014

— Holy Moly! (@HolyMoly) February 19, 2014

I suspect Niles is muttering to Pharrell now "are you sure Prince is closing the show tonight? Because if I'm hanging around here and it's just some bullshit whey-faced British boy singing a plaintive song about his broken heart, I swear to god I'm going to throw this table at his head..."

9.48
Still half an hour to go. Be strong, everyone.

The programme has now started to sink so badly David Cameron is announcing that there's an open chequebook to help survivors.

Jimmy Carr has come on, to demonstrate how you might want to host a show like this. Although his Cowell joke falls flat.

It's the video of the year award - you'll recall the uninspiring shortlist was farted out at the start of the show for One Direction fans to rig the votes. So what's happened?

One Direction win.

That's such a surprising surprise.

One Direction get a round of applause for James Corden. Perhaps he's got a disease and everyone's being supernice to him.

9.52
Time for a collaboration. Again. Bastille and Rudimental playing together. It's like when people made mash-ups, isn't it? For younger viewers, mash-ups were two songs that were unconvincingly slopped together to create something that could be used to demonstrate the phrase "less than the sum of its parts".

Actually, this could be worse. But it'd have still been better if they'd both done their songs in full. They could have dropped... well, almost anything, to make space for that.

9.57
And if you're just tuning in to ITV to see the News At Ten, everyone already watching ITV really wishes they'd be about to see the News At Ten, too. But life isn't like that.

This is basically all the gym music, I feel like I should be doing squats. It would be less painful. #brits2014

— Tracy Morter (@moogyboobles) February 19, 2014

9.59
The final award of the night. The sweetest words in the English language.

It's Emil And The Detetcive Sande to present the best album award - because you can't do a show on telly without her turning up.

Will it be Bowie again? Has he more words for Kate Moss to read out about the Scotland referendum?

No, it's the Arctic Monkeys, thereby closing the circle of the band who played first picking up the last award.

They're over the show by now. We're all over the show by now.

Alex just babbles a bit. He could be deliberately trying to see if he can push the show over time single-handed, which is the first thing in any way interesting to happen tonight.

10.02
Jesus. Corden is at a table which appears to be stuffed with the cast of Pointless Celebrities - Rizzle Kicks, Tom Daley, Rita Ora, Harry H Corbett, Olive from On The Buses, Nadine Dorries...

10.03
They're going for a break before the closing number. They're TAKING A BREAK BEFORE DOING THE BIG FINISH.

By the time they get to the 398th trail for Ant And Dec, half the room at the O2 will be queueing for their coats and the other half will be minesweeping the leftover lagers from the expensive tables.

10.06
More breaking awards news:

Congratulations Royal Television Society Regional Presenter of the Year: Stewart White, BBC Look East

— Michael Crick (@MichaelLCrick) February 19, 2014

"The panel were impressed wiht Stewart's ability to read a headline about the Cambridge Guided busway for the 79th consecutive day without looking as bored as the audience."

I've just realised that there have been hardly any music ads in the breaks tonight - there's just been one for Pharrell's album, but more or less everything else has been not music. If even the music industry can't be fagged to advertise in the Brits, what IS the point?

Pharrell and Niles are doing the closing number, then. Not Prince. Which is a bit of a shame as Prince had made his band turn up carrying their instruments at the start of the show. Maybe he was just waiting to be asked, guys.

I've still yet to have it convincingly explained to me why Pharrell is wearing Dudley Do-right's hat.

10.13
They've finished with enough time to do a highlights package. In fact, given how few highlights there were, they've got more than enough time to do a highlights package.

The voiceover at the end suggests that all that was missing was Ant And Dec. Perhaps. It was crying out for a bit more atmosphere and surprise.

We have made it through - thank you for the comments, and the plugs on Twitter. I'm now choosing cinnamon rolls over the ITV2 aftershow. I hope God can forgive me.

Twittergem: Michael Jackson

Retronaut finds a meeting of minds:

1988: Michael Jackson and Benny Hill (more: http://t.co/b6Zl5cXHlY) pic.twitter.com/9Pg7OK1NbF

— Retronaut (@theretronaut) February 19, 2014

Benny: I'm well known for chasing around scantily-clad people young enough to be my children
Michael: Oh, Benny, I've had that problem too. I'll give you the number of my lawyer.

Charlotte Church wishes she'd pulled her butt out

Following Charlotte Church's John Peel lecture, pointing out the way women are mostly treated by much of the music industry, there's been an attempt at pulling together a backlash based on her having done stage shows in latex and been part of the Rear Of The Year contest.

(That this is precisely Church's point, that young women are encouraged to do this sort of thing by the people who are paid to advise them, seems to have floated over some heads.)

So Church finds herself having to defend herself for things she did when she was 16, an age when most of us are still trying to figure out how to get access to cheap cider:

. However, Church now acknowledges her comments betray her "double standards" as she posed for Britain's Rear of the Year contest in 2002, but she still blames her advisers for not telling her to pull out of the competition.

Church tells British newspaper The Times, "It was sort of double standards in a certain way, because I did Rear of the Year when I was 16, which was a ridiculous choice, a stupid thing to do but, you know, there was a whole host of people that I was working with who should have said, 'Woah, woah, woah. You shouldn't do this. This is bad. You're 16, for f**k's sake.'"

It's interesting that this gloss, from WENN, decides to focus on Charlotte's reference to double standards rather than the more crucial bit about grown men telling a sixteen year old to stick her arse out for the cameras.

The Birmingham Mail gets to know Bill Drummond

Oh, dear. The Birmingham Mail struggles to capture Bill Drummond:

A chart-topping pop star turned artist who famously burned a million pounds is launching a world tour by creating a sculpture from 400 daffodils – under Spaghetti Junction.

Madcap Bill Drummond, once half of eccentric dance duo The KLF, has announced he will arrive in Birmingham on March 13 along the Grand Union Canal on a raft made from his bed, before building the floral display.

"Madcap"? "Eccentric"? I suppose we should be thankful they didn't go with "bonkers" or "crazy".

Although I'm pretty certain the KLF ice cream van had a sign "you don't have to be mad to collaborate with Extreme Noise Terror at the Brits, but it helps". Pretty certain that was there.

Devobit: Bob Casale

Sad news from Devo, as founder member Bob Casale has died:

Post by Devo.

Abba explain the sequinned jumpsuits

So it turns out Abba wore those godawful stage clothes as a tax dodge:

According to Abba: The Official Photo Book, published to mark 40 years since they won Eurovision with Waterloo, the band's style was influenced in part by laws that allowed the cost of outfits to be deducted against tax – so long as the costumes were so outrageous they could not possibly be worn on the street.

So if you have a bunch of clothes that nobody in their right minds would be seen wearing under normal circumstances, you save a bunch on tax? Finally, Liam Gallagher's Pretty Green range is explained.

Chart to be inundated by rising tide of streams

Apparently, last night at a Radio Academy event, Radio 1's George Ergatoudis let slip plans for the UK charts to count plays on streaming services as part of the calculations.

The cynic might wonder how come it hasn't happened yet, given that it's February 2014 and not, say, 1998 or 1965.

The supercynic might just express surprise that they're still making a chart of records to play on the radio.

The hypercynic, though, would just wonder if including figures from Spotify and the others is just a cunning way of disguising how few sales it takes to get into the charts these days.

South Korea takes public domain content back into copyright

Another victory for gloabalisation: In order to allow Australian businesses to swallow up South Korean assets ("to seal a free trade agreement"), the two countries have agreed to harmonise their copyright rules.

Currently, in Australia, copyright is "life of author + 70 years". In South Korea, it's "life of author + 50 years".

Guess which direction the harmonisation is running. Go on, guess.

Yes, great news for the corpses of South Korean artists: their ability to earn money while they're decomposing has been extended another 20 years.

A mouldering corpse in Suwon said "this is brilliant news. Obviously, having had all my flesh long since eaten by worms, I have to spend a lot of money on clothes to keep my skeleton warm. I look forward to getting royalty cheques long into the future. Does this still apply if the North invade?"

Rock sick list: Percy Sledge

Percy Sledge isn't doing well, it turns out. He's pulled out of a UK tour as he's having treatment for liver cancer.

Brits 2014: The artist formerly known as above this sort of thing

Prince has been confirmed as playing the Brit awards this week.

In other news, ITN have sighed and moved Wednesday's News At Ten back to around 3am on Thursday morning.

Joe McElddery: So much win

There's something crushing about Joe McElderly's CV as detailed by the Lincolnshire Echo:

Joe rose to fame when he won the sixth series of the ITV show The X Factor in 2009 and he returned to TV screens in 2011 where he was the winner of the second series of the ITV show Pop Star to Opera Star.

Most recently the star appeared in Channel 4's latest reality show The Jump where he triumphed over journalist Donal MacIntyre in the live final.

While, obviously, there's a question about how long you can only ever appear on TV in celebrity game shows and still count as a celebrity, you've got to admire Joe's winning streak. Obviously not in music, as he's playing the Skegness Embassy, but that could be the point.

Perhaps he should stop worrying about the music altogether, and just fill up his time bouncing from Splash to Celebrity Pointless to that one which is a bit like Bargain Hunt but isn't, only with celebrities. He seems to be good at that sort of thing.

This week just gone

The most-read stuff from whenever, this week:

1. The return of the Prince
2. NME figures continue to drop
3. KT Tunstall and her lesbian suspenders
4. Beck kind of a dick about being called a dick
5. INXS singer sleeps in a car
6. Shirley Collins returns to live performance
7. Tiny, tiny royalty cheques
8. RIP: Santiago Feliu
9. Morrissey, Tom and Cliff: Is it really so strange?
10. Harry Styles is the new John Lennon

This were this week's interesting releases:


Fanfarlo - Let's Go Extinct



Nina Persson - Animal Heart

Download Animal Heart



Tinariwen - Emmaar

Download Emmaar



Let's Wrestle - Let's Wrestle

Download Let's Wrestle



Cibo Matto - Hotel Valentine

Download Hotel Valentine



Temples - Sun Structures

Download Sun Structures



Roseanne Cash - The River & The Thread

Download The River & The Thread



Neil Finn - Dizzy Heights

Download Dizzy Heights

Nicki Minaj doesn't really apologise, but comes close enough for Spin

Nicki Minaj decided to use Malcolm X to promote her new single.

Spin explains how:

Nicki Minaj has come under fire not for her new video — in which she fires a pair AK-47s akimbo — but for the art used to promote that song, "Lookin Ass Nigga." Found on her site (still, as of 6:15 p.m. EST) and on her Instagram (no longer), the grainy image repurposes a famous photo of Malcolm X holding a large gun while he peers out a window, seemingly concerned for his safety. Considering her use of weaponry, and that titular oft-weaponized word, people are pissed.

Pissed enough for two petitions to be raised - and, okay, "creating a petition" is probably the very least activity that can still be called activism, but it stung Minaj into a response.

Spin sees this an apology:

What seems to be the issue now? Do you have a problem with me referring to the people Malcolm X was ready to pull his gun out on as Lookin Ass Niggaz? Well, I apologize. That was never the official artwork nor is this an official single. This is a conversation. Not a single. I am in the video shooting at Lookin Ass Niggaz and there happened to be an iconic photo of Malcolm X ready to do the same thing for what he believed in!!!! It is in no way to undermine his efforts and legacy. I apologize to the Malcolm X estate if the meaning of the photo was misconstrued. The word "nigga" causes so much debate in our community while the "nigga" behavior gets praised and worship. Let's not. Apologies again to his family. I have nothing but respect an adoration for u. The photo was removed hours ago. Thank you.

This is a whole new level in the apology that isn't an apology, because not only does Minaj do a "if the meaning of the photo was misconstrued" non-apology, but then she follows it up with an "apologies again to his family" - which doesn't really require an "again" and, from the whole tone of the response, right from the opening, bored "what seems to be the issue now", shows no understanding of the cause of offence or any real contrition at having got it so badly wrong.

Still: it doesn't matter if you do something crudely insulting, providing it's not done on an official single. So that's alright then.

Tiny royalty cheques

There's a post over on Aux TV which gathers some of the tiny royalty cheques that some artists have recently received.

Some of them are genuinely astonishing, like this one:

That's Camper Van Beethoven & Cracker's David Lowery getting a million streams on Pandora and pocketing less than twenty dollars for their efforts.

We've been here before, of course: how suprised you'll be depends on if you want to compare that figure with what they would have earned if they'd sold a million copies, or if it had been played on traditional radio to an audience of a million listeners.

There's also this one:

Mike Schleibaum getting a cheque for a penny.

Now, there's an element of Esther Rantzen here - is it really worth sending out a cheque for a single cent?

Of course not; that's ridiculous. But then the question would be what should the cut-off point be for rolling a royalty over into the next round of payments? Ten cents? A dollar? Is it really worth sending out a cheque for anything less than ten dollars?

Except... if Mike is earning cent, if Music Reports didn't send its cheque until he'd amassed even ten dollars, it'd be a very long time before his mailman would be called upon to spring into action.

More to the point, if Music Matters took a sensible-sounding line of not triggering a cheque until earnings reached ten dollars, and they've got, say, a million clients who potentially could have nine dollars ninety nine in their accounts, suddenly there's a "Music Matters sitting on ten million dollars of artist's money; artists haven't received cheques in forever" scandal blowing in the opposite direction.

So everyone gets an expensively-administrated, disappointing cheque every time.

(There's a bigger question of why they're sending sodding cheques in 2014, like they're settling debts incurred at a card table in Pemberley, but that's for another day.)

Besides the idea of sending a tiny cheque, though, there's the question of why it's a tiny, tiny cheque in the first place.

Schleibaum got some fun out of his micropayday:

“This is what we call, “BIG TIME!,” he wrote on Facebook. “Don’t worry..big news is coming but for now..we got to spend all this cash!”

Hang on a moment, though. Music Reports mostly handles licencing for local TV affiliates, some cable networks and other small users of music, like greeting cards companies.

Schleibaum has two main jobs in music. The first is as a member of melodic death metal band Darkest Hour who, good as they are, seem unlikely to have their music featured in a Happy Birthday card or soundtracking a sports package on the Fox affiliate in Boise. So, presumably, you wouldn't expect that much cash to flow from that angle.

He also composes music for television - if you tapped your foot to the beds on MSNBC's Charles Manson and His Followers, you were enjoying Mike's work. But presumably this work is done with the channels buying out all rights in the work - which means that again, Mike would expect his payment cheque to be fairly small.

So perhaps the surprise is not that there's a cheque, but that there's a cheque at all.

[Thanks to Michael M for the link]
[UPDATED 18/2: Rewrote a paragraph to make it clearer that the royalty cheque is from David Lowery, out of Cracker and Camper Van Beethoven]

Twittergem: Foals

Band dedicate show to audience stood in front of them RT @NME: Foals dedicate Valentine's Day set to London crowd http://t.co/VnvI05DTth

— Paul Benney (@paulbenney) February 15, 2014

"Hey, you guys... in a very real sense, if it wasn't for you lot out there right now in this hall, we wouldn't even be playing this gig."

Morrissey, Cliff and Tom Bloody Jones: The Men Of A Certain Age tour

The news that Morrissey has announced dates with Tom Jones and Cliff Richard isn't really as surprising as people seem to think.

First, if we've learned anything from the last couple of years, it's that Morrissey's great strength is announcing gigs; he's less good at turning up to play them. On that basis, why not book extraordinary names? It's frankly more surprising that he's not publishing bills with Princess Grace, that main dude from The Lego Movie and Nostradamus.

Secondly, we all know how stung Morrissey is when people suggest he's a little bit racist. How better to prove your credentials as embracing everyone than by sharing the stage with Cliff Richard (born in India) and Tom Jones (who has orange skin)?

More generously, Mozzer has never hidden his affection for British culture of the early 60s and, if you put a piece of paper over both Jones' and Richard's cvs to cover off anything post-punk, you've got two titans. On that basis, the plan is no more unlikely than Morrissey's work with Sandie Shaw or his eulogy for Kenneth Williams.

Perhaps slightly less generously, if you then take the piece of paper off the cvs, you have careers which start out astonishingly edgy - Tom doing first-person songs about murder and incarcerated criminals; Cliff being inspected by authorities to see if that nasty Elvis had somehow infected England - which somehow mutated into a conservative, mundane slop of game shows, Christmas songs and shirtless calendars and tours to a fanbase slowly moving from 'pickled in aspic' to 'preserved with embalming fluid'. Morrissey might recognise something there.

More interesting is whats in it for the two older singers. Jones, clearly, is eyeing up the next series of The Voice, given that this year it's proving an opportunity for him to have a quiet nap in a comfy seat; a date with Morrissey will top-up his list of names to drop.

Cliff, for his part, cheerfully announced that he was doing it because it's a larger audience than he could usually manage in the US:

Richard also said the chances of him playing to 15,000 people in New York were “pretty well nil” without the support of Morrissey, but stated he was determined to make his one-hour set the best he possibly could: “I’m just going to make it really difficult for Morrissey to follow me.”

The dates take place in June, which means we're expecting Morrissey to contract lassa fever sometime around the end of May.

Circulation figures for NME stuck on repeat

As I type this, Today on Radio 4 are effectively using the latest NME sales figures as a chance to have run a eulogy.

And the figures are grim - down below 20,000 for the first time; it's a point where received wisdom in publishing suggest there's no hope for a title.

I suspect this won't come as a surprise to the title - the last few weeks had seen a return to the front page of John Lennon, and nothing says panic like slapping The Beatles on the cover.

It's a pity, though, as particularly since the last relaunch the magazine has been better than its been for years - intelligent features, often about surprising subjects, sparky writing. There's still a tendency to do long, pointless lists (how do determine with single X is the 435th or 436th best single ever?) and the covers don't always reflect how much thought is going into the magazine these days.

And maybe that's the trouble - there's a treble problem; having spent so long doing little more than applaud every bon mot of the Gallaghers, there's an alienated audience who might be impossible to win back; the new readers who might have replaced the natural wastage a music title experiences as fans move on need persuading to buy a print publication at all; and the Ozzy Osbourne splashes aren't really helping convince browsers that this is still a magazine that has its ear near the beating heart of music.

With the parent company going through a painful period of restructuring, and such a long history of decline to turn around, the brittle truth is that it might now be too late for simply being better to salvage a print edition.

Jordan Catalano as Ringo Starr

Apparently Liam Gallagher is still grimly pressing on with his joyless Beatle film project and, oh, is he setting his sights high:

Gallagher is preparing to hold castings in Los Angeles in April (14), and Leto, as well as Before Midnight's Ethan Hawke, are on the shortlist to star in the movie, according to the U.K.'s The Sun newspaper.

An insider tells the publication, "He knows he's not going to manage to entice someone like Brad Pitt but he wants high-calibre people who are more on the indie scene of Hollywood. He thinks actors such as Jared and Ethan would be perfect."

Bless him. "I might not quite get Brad Pitt, but hey, Jared Leto is probably sitting around waiting for the chance to get a meaty role."

Shane Ritchie and the bloke who played Fred Elliott are holding slots in their diaries, Liam.

Beibs don't reign in Indianapolis

Indianapolis International Airport set out to get some lovely artwork for one of the concourses. "I know" they thought, "let's get one of those hippity-hoppity grafitti artists to do some - uh - 'dope' artwork. That'd be modern."

Tre Reising didn't quite give them what they were expecting:

An airport spokesman tells WISH-TV that managers expected a display about hip hop and art. Instead, Reising made multicolor letters of the word "belieber" that the singer uses as a social media tagline.

The airport have paid Tre off and decided not to do this. For Reising's part, he made the fatal mistake of doing something that he thought would be "fun" for people.

Nuevatrovaobit: Santiago Feliu

Santiago Feliu, the Cuban Nueva Trova singer songwriter, has died.

Feliu started playing the guitar at the age of five. As a small child, he held the guitar the "wrong" way round; the stance worked for him and he stuck with it all his life.

At a gig last year, Feliu decided he'd not done his best on some of the songs, and opted to have a second go. He was concerned, though, that not all the audience would view this as a bonus, as On Cuba reported:

He admits he did not like the way in which some of them were played, even though we all have been especially pleased. “You can stay in the room, or leave if you wish,” he says to the audience, his audience that has been faithful after decades, and knows him and loves him as he is. His public stays and accompanies him in this act of precious reparation, almost contradictory when they have already forgiven him when, with sympathetic laughter, made ​​an inexplicable pause in the midst of a song and meticulously lit a cigarette, before saying: “I swear I do not remember what the fuck follows now.”

Feliu once described his aim as trying to find the best balance between music and poetry - which is something of a surprisingly rare aim in some musicians.

If you've a bit of time to spend, here's a 2013 show at the Universidad de Madres de Plaza de Mayo:


Santiago Feliu was 51; the immediate cause of his death is being reported as a massive heart attack.

Won't someone please think of George Michael?

Hundreds of homes. Thousands of people. Numerous businesses. Wildlife across the country.

All these have been affected by flooding, but the wet winter has just got serious.

It's targeting George Michael:

Now, the rising River Thames has almost destroyed the country manor of pop star George Michael.

Floodwater can be seen surrounding the detached property - lapping against its front door and garden wall.

However, it is yet to flow over the wall surrounding the manor in Goring-on-Thames, Oxfordshire - with sandbags also positioned outside the property.

Today, a woman - believed to be one of George's sisters - could be seen standing at one of the manor's windows.

Yes, well done, the Daily Mail - the nation is disappearing under water, but it's still sending out people to peek through celebrity windows. That's the plucky Brit spirit, carrying on being arseholes in the face of adversity, right there.

A UKIP spokesman - obviously a spokesman - nodded sagely and said "well, he's one of them, isn't he? It's obvious that his property would flood. It's in the Bible."

Harry Styles as Lennon, with Lennon as Jesus

If you're ever in need of a working example of "the second time as farce", you can now reach for the outrage that has greeted Harry Styles turning up in America and saying One Direction are, right now, bigger than The Beatles.

A spokesperson for Jesus giggled and said "now Lennon knows how Jesus felt when he was throwing round the comparisons in our direction. Stings, doesn't it, John?"

Hanna movie gets UK distribution

The Punk Singer, the movie about Kathleen Hanna, is getting a proper UK distribution.

Dogwoof have picked up UK rights:

"We’re very much looking forward to releasing The Punk Singer alongside Kathleen Hanna’s return to the U.K. with the Julie Ruin tour in late May – the film’s documenting of this remarkable woman and the Riot Grrrl scene will no doubt go on to inspire a whole new audience in addition to the existing fanbase,” said [head of distribution Oli] Harbottle.

I suspect that unless there's also a 3D version you might still have to travel a little further than the nearest multiplex to see it, but good news for people who have the sort of cinemas which would show this sort of film.

Shirley Collins: I think you safely can call this a comeback

Shirley Collins hasn't played live for 35 years - she's suffered from dysphonia, which effectively scuppered her folk career.

Hadn't played live, that should read. On Saturday night, she returned as an unbilled support at Current 93's date at Union Chapel. Attn Magazine was there:

“I don’t think I would have done this for anyone else but David Tibet,” she announces to a stunned applause, before quietly slipping into a rich, earthly rendition of “All The Pretty Little Horses”. Her voice swoops at the commencement of each line, channelling the sound of age into a sort of momentum; gorgeous vocal curvatures both smoothed and textured like pebble edges, wearing her years of existence like a cloak that trails and dances behind every lyric.
[...]
It later transpires that David Tibet has been trying to encourage her to perform again since he met her back in 1994, and as he stumbles over words in an attempt to express his gratitude for her appearance, the magnitude of the occasion becomes clear.

There's something magnificent about a gig review which can make you well up, isn't there?

Spotify invent new 'bloke talking about music' format

Spotify - which, conventional wisdom insists, is a success because it allows you to listen to music in a radio-style without someone waffling on in-between.

Oddly, though, they're now introducing "talking playlists" - Billy Bragg is leading the way - which adds someone waffling on in-between the songs.

Coming in 2015: Spotify launch live talking playlists in the morning, which also include travel news.

Prince: The returns

2007: Prince does a large scale comeback, distributing a new album for free with the Mail On Sunday. Everyone's invited.

Result: Little interest.

2014: Prince does a small scale comeback, playing tiny gigs in London at which a surprisingly high proportion of attendees work in the media.

Result: Front pages held, features on Today, mass acclaim, etc.

This week just gone

The most-read stories from February 2009 (now, officially, five years ago):

1. RIP ELO's Kelly Groucutt
2. Former INXS lead singer apparenrly sleeping in a car
3. Videos: Joan As Policewoman weekend
4. Liveblog: Morrissey on The One Show
5. Liveblog: Brits 2009 (The year of Horne And Corden and Duffy)
6. RIP: The Primitive's Steve Dullaghan
7. Grammys 2009
8. RIP: Buffalo Springfield's Dewey Martin
9. RIP: Radio City's Phil Easton
10. On oath, IFPI chief insists that every single file downloaded for free would have otherwise been purchased

This week, these were added to the piles of things for sale:


The Len Price 3 - Nobody Knows

Download Nobody Knows



Maximo Park - Too Much Information

Download Too Much Information



Suzanne Vega - Tales From The Realm Of The Queen Of The Pentacles

Download Tales From The Realm...



Broken Bells - After The Disco

Download After The Disco



Ø - Konstellaatio

Download Konstellaatio