Edinburgh record store Avalanche is closing up - and, ironically, it's partly the success of Record Store Day that is to blame.
In a blog on the shop's site, the grim story of how the revival of vinyl sales has turned out to bite the ass of the very stores which kept going through the lean times:
Then there is another dilemma. We go on social media and say this will without doubt be one of our albums of the year and many of our followers will simply go to FOPP or HMV and buy it because they are nearer. But there is more.
When the Frightened Rabbit album was announced I immediately received enquiries as to whether there would be an Avalanche or indies special. We had sold 110 out of 500 of the last limited vinyl. At the time HMV/FOPP were in administration and only stocking important titles on CD. Vinyl was not considered an important enough format for any artist even when they were playing an in-store as Frightened Rabbit were. I was fairly sure but not certain that this time there was no special format something that was recently confirmed. Meanwhile fans were encouraged to buy from the band’s Warners website with the vinyl a bargain £12.99 for a signed copy. Again as I suspected this is actually less than the cost to a shop who would expect to sell it for £16.99. Want a signed CD ? That will be Amazon or the band website at a price this time just above cost.
And where vinyl was once an audiophile treat, it has become so commonplace again that the sense of special event doesn't make sense; nor is vinyl any more bringing footfall:
Never mind the week before has some great releases. Explosions In The Sky with a limited vinyl except that their UK label put it on sale ages ago at again a price below cost. The Last Shadow Puppets also have a limited vinyl but you can be sure their label will email the entire LSP/Arctic Monkeys fan base to sell directly and if previous emails are anything to go by not even mention it will be available in shops. That leaves us with a limited indies only Mogwai vinyl which shops are at least given a fair chance to sell.
Depressing as all this might be for a shop like myself it is nothing compared to the Record Store Day list for this year. Given the fantastic rosters many record companies and labels have what shops have been offered is a huge disappointment but not a great surprise given vinyl reissues were once an unusual occurrence whereas they now appear every week. Collectors will still buy the artists they collect but it is no wonder so many shops are asking what people are looking for as it is impossible to guess what these once a year customers will buy.
DAVID Cameron got a top-secret briefing on Rita Ora to make sure he could show off his common touch.
The PM was filled in on the pop star’s chart success so he could show off his knowledge in interviews.
Aides namechecked Rita just as she hit No.1 with I Will Never Let You Down.
I think The Sun is probably overselling this as a "top secret briefing" - it's unlikely he was taken to a COBRA committee to be shown ten seconds of the Never Let You Down video.
I hope they're still doing this. I really like the idea of someone tasked with having to sit down Dave at Friday teatime for the latest charts.
Swedish police now say they did not brake because they did not spot the barrier.
Crash footage has shown the car move to the left hand lane to overtake stationary traffic, before braking, then accelerating through a barrier.
Inspector Lars Berglund told the Mirror: "Maybe he had not discovered the barriers in front of those cars standing still.
"I have not suggested that [the driver] was doing this in order to kill himself or the band.
"I said he was making a move from the right lane to the left lane and that was not accidental."
In other words, the Swedish police said that the driver hadn't accidentally swerved, and the Daily Star chose to dress this up to make it sound like he'd chosen to drive off the bridge.
What a scummy thing to do.
The Star's website describes this new story in this way:
COPS have revealed why they believe tragic indie band Viola Beach's driver did not stop – clarifying reports the crash was deliberately caused.
Now, it's true that the policeman involved did use the word "deliberate", but if you're going to splash this on the front page, you might want to double-check your story. Especially since The Guardian's print edition - reporting on exactly the same press conference - managed to record the more lurid claim - "with some intent" - but still reported the story under a heading "Police blame 'inattention' for accident that killed Viola Beach members". Which is a fairer representation of what seems to have been said.
And does the Daily Star splash the correction over the front page this morning?
Keith Emerson, the one who wasn't Lake or Palmer, has died.
Oddly, Mark Ronson was also out the blocks to pay tribute (this time with a Tweeted performance).
That link with the death George Martin, though, is appropriate - although Emerson went further, and brought jazz and classical sounds into the heart of their music, rather than spraying it on as an influence.
Not all the world was ready - if you think Punk was a movement which fell apart, how much worse to be part of a scene known as "progressive" and yet having created a sound which now feels very much part of the past?
Here's Emerson as part of his pre-ELP outfit, The Nice, covering Leonard Bernstein:
Early reports say that Keith died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
There's been a great deal written about George Martin over the last couple of days - I can't recall an occasion previously when a record producer's death has led the BBC News, for example.
If you're looking for a good place to start, or frankly are only prepared to read one thing about Martin, I'd suggest the Guardian's collection of other producers talking about his work, although it's a pity they start with Mark Ronson's bit:
I was in a studio last night with a bass in my hand, thinking, ‘What would George do?’
Were you really, Mark? Really?
It might make me a bad person that when I heard the news, my mind went straight not to The White Album or Love Me Do, but... well, to this:
To be fair, Big Train did capture something quite essential about Martin there - yes, he was brilliant musically, but like many musicians that didn't make him any less of a bore when he talked about it.
On a side note, how many Game Of Thrones fans do you think had a horrible two minutes on Wednesday morning?
A customs official said instruments were marked with serial numbers, although usually with stickers. Regarding the ink, he suggested: “Maybe it wasn’t us?”
It was also unlikely to be music lovers, who would have smashed the guitar to pieces.
An email pings into our inbox with this unlikely claim
Let's just leave aside the question of how something can be a resurgence if it's new, and ask... Cornwall?
The "popular music" section of Wikipedia's List of Cornish musicians stretches to include Tori Amos's holiday home in Bude, a claim for the lead singer of Paper Lace (albeit with citation needed) and, splendidly, Kevin Downing, "drummer for 1990s indie band The Family Cat".
Now, there's a load of interesting things going on in Cornwall - Hollie Rogers and Rose Kimberley, for example - but there's a bit of work to be done before it becomes "the new home of rock n roll".
Mother's day special: Most popular mother searches:
1. "I'm a bitch, I'm a mother" lyrics
2. Bloody Motherfucking arsehole lyrics
3. Mothers day compilation CD
4. I love my mother I love my father smog
5. dmx mother dies
6. mothercare by akon
7. "alan mcgee" "mothercare"
8. this+one+goes+out+to+queens+of+the+trust+fund,+you+slept+on+my+floor,+now+i'm+sleepin'+through+your+motherfucking+records
9. robbie williams mother's house
10. usher fired mother
Big Freedia had been going to play Mississippi, until the state realised her show involved twerking, and didn't know what twerking was, and decided it was probably stripping, and banned the show.
But now the state has satisfied itself that twerking is just the right side of unholy to allow it to happen in Mississippi, and the show will go on:
However, after explaining to the ABC [Alcohol Beverage Control board] that twerking and "gyrating" does not necessarily constitute "nudity and sexual conduct," the concert was rescheduled, with Big Freedia anointing the event the "First Annual International Twerk Day."
"Our laws have been slower to change than the rest of the country," [venue owner Ben] Shemper tells Rolling Stone. "So I'm happy that we all came to an agreement and that Big Freedia can return. We are making history, and I'm excited to be a part of it."
Everyone will remember where they were when they heard the news. It's the twerk that was heard around the world.
She's been unwell for some time, and her decline has been recorded by Rory, her husband as well as her collaborator. Yesterday he posted:
"At 2:30 this afternoon, as we were gathered around her, holding hands and praying... my precious bride breathed her last."
The pair had been active in the music industry - and married - before forming a professional partnership to compete on Can You Duet, a CMT Voice-style show. The pair came third, but a combination of their talents and connections saw them spin their appearance into a three-album run with Sugar Hill Records; then a number of self-released albums which became more and more Christianity-heavy as they progressed.
"Listen, I like the fact Donald Trump has come in and shaken things up and said a whole lot of things the establishment doesn't want to hear him say and the people did want to hear him say," Lewis said. "But at the same time, there's an expectation for somebody being presidential in nature, and he disappoints me with the bickering and the name-calling. It's just not very presidential behavior. But I would certainly vote for him if he becomes the candidate."
Lewis, then, loves the way the guy says what he thinks. Except it turns out he doesn't, because it's name-calling. He wants Trump to be presidential, but he doesn't want Trump to behave like he's part of the establishment.
Lewis doesn't really have a coherent position, and seems confused about what parts of the US political system he respects and what parts he doesn't.
Iggy Pop wanted to work with Josh Homme, so he, erm, sent him stuff:
"I was looking to make high-quality, non-band solo work, where you really put both feet into it," he said. "I’d been skirting around it: doing an album in French, or a soundtrack, or a reunion band album. I wanted to find the best and he’s the best. I sent him a dossier on me by FedEx: written form, no email. I sent him three essays I’d written on my sex life about specific people. I also sent him an interview I did with an eminent critic here in New York about his concerns about my career."
I'm not Homme's biggest fan, but even I recognise he probably wouldn't have needed an Iggy Pop primer to decide if he wanted to work with him. Homme would be unlikely to have got a note about working with Iggy Pop and needed to fire up Wikipedia.
Maybe that's wasn't what Pop was going for. Maybe he thought Homme needed persuasion and would have been on the phone screaming "okay, no more details about what you put into whose butthole. I'll work with you, just stop sending the stuff..."
Dance man Paul Van Dyk fell off the stage during a weekend gig in Amsterdam.
He's okay, but under doctor's orders, according to his website:
Thank you for continuing to send us so many messages of love and support for Paul. Paul is in the hospital in stable condition and under observation. What he needs now is rest. We will provide another update after the next evaluation by the medical experts towards the end of this week.
As the 23-year-old singer collected his Oscar for best original song for "Writing’s on the Wall" from Spectre at the Academy Awards on Sunday night, he mistakenly dubbed himself the first openly gay man to win an Oscar.
He based this claim on something he thought Ian McKellen had said:
“I read an article a few months ago by Sir Ian McKellen and he said no openly gay man had won an Oscar,” Smith said.
“If this is the case, I want to dedicate this to the LGBT community around the world. I stand here tonight as a proud gay man and I hope that we can all stand as equals one day.”
If you or I were going to go on TV in front of millions and make a bold statement like that, we might have wanted to double check the quote we were half-remembering. It's 2016; you can get a waffle that connects to the internet and allows you to fact check.
Hang on, I've just checked that. It's not true, I meant "phone".
But I was able to check that before I made a massive claim of that nature.
Ian McKellen was, as you'd imagine, lovely about the whole thing:
McKellen, however, doesn't seem to care that he had been misquoted - and was more keen that Smith gets some recognition for winning an Oscar.
He tweeted: "I'd said no openly gay actor had received #Oscars-that doesn’t detract from @samsmithworld achievement. Congratulations to him & all others!"
It kind of does detract, though.
Amongst people pointing out his mistake was Dustin Lance Black, who won for Best Original Screenplay. For Milk. (Winning an Oscar as a gay man, for a film about a gay man; a gay man who did a little more for the cause than singing a James Bond theme toon.)
He wasn't just scoring points, either:
THE POINT: knowing our LGBTQ history is important. We stand on the shoulders of countless brave men and women who paved the way for us.
Well, yes - especially if you're stood on a stage at an Oscars which has all been about representation, and are going to make a claim like that.
Smith was eventually informed backstage that he actually isn't the first openly gay person to win an Oscar. The list of winners also includes Broadway legend Stephen Sondheim, filmmaker Bill Condon, Melissa Etheridge, Elton John, and lyricist Howard Ashman, who won two Best Original Song awards for his legendary work with Disney.
When a reporter mentioned that Ashman had previously won, Smith did not recognize the name.
"I should know him. We should date," Smith quipped, seemingly unaware that Ashman died from complications from AIDS in 1991.
There's part of me that is impressed that, having been backed into a corner and been told he doesn't know what he's talking about, Smith decided to try and jape his way out of it. "I clearly have no idea who these people are, so I'm going to make a joke", thereby saying he should be dating someone who died before he was even born.
"This was in the early '70s, mid-'70s, so I was not aware of homosexuality; I didn't know anything about it. And it was still in the closet; nobody came out and said, 'I'm gay' — nobody came out at that time.
And when I found out that the girls were all gay in the band, I wasn't sure how to take it, and I didn't know what it was. I was only sixteen at the time. And I quit the band.
I went home and I told my parents that it was the manager's fault; I blamed it all on him and said that he was too weird and I couldn't handle him — he was just too freaky. But that wasn't the case."
So I had given it a couple of weeks and thought about it, and I thought, 'You know, it's really no big deal. I shouldn't worry about that. And I hope to God that they call me back and get me back in the band.'
Because I was thinking that they would go on to achieve superstar status and that I would just be sitting at home and doing nothing. And thank God they called me back and they said, 'Lita, we can't find anybody that can play guitar like you. Please come back.'
The Blake Babies are running a PledgeMusic campaign to allow them to release the Earwig demos on vinyl. Perfect if you have a thing for vinyl and/or Juliana Hatfield.
Radio France has, as you might expect, a massive collection of records. One and a half million items on vinyl alone.
Now it's digitising its collection, though, it's thinking it might not need to take up so much space with records and so there's going to be an auction:
As deputy director of documentation and head of the Radio France discography Marc Maret told Trax: “This is not a dead collection. It is alive and well, is used every day, and is affiliated to a music platform that allows its distribution.”
First sale is in June. Anyone asking about Plastique Bertrand will be barred from bidding.
Imagine if the Grammys took place in a room where all the air had been sucked out of it. And imagine if before the air was sucked out the room, the budget was cut by 95%. Oh, and James Bay was put at the heart of things.
You don't need to imagine that. Because it's happening! Tonight!
And we'll be there (or here) for the all-important Brits liveblog. At this URL.
You'll recall the Brits loved that so much at the time they had Jarvis arrested.
Last year, there was a genuine talking point moment, but if your awards are relying on a fifty-something woman choosing between falling over or garrotting herself for people to pay attention, you've got a structural problem.
8.00pm
Ant And Dec. It's like it's bloody 1997.
There's some before-show business about not wearing capes.
8.02pm
Everyone has "upped their game", promise Ant and Dec. Perhaps to make up for ITV having lowered their sights?
People dressed as the "iconic" (supposedly) Brit Awards are dancing to something so-so. Bravely, they've gone out to dance amongst the nonplussed executives sitting at the tables.
8.05
Mercifully, it was a short sequence. Ant (or is it Dec?) run through the delights on offer - Little Mix, Jess Glynne. The cheers for Rihanna sounded more like they were genuine than some of the others.
Coldplay on first. Chris Martin and chums have tricked out their stage to look like they're doing a themed beach party in the 1970s. Oh, but they also have fire plumes which are set off at the less-mild bit of the songs. So that's a beach party where Dad couldn't light the barbecue and tried lobbing on some paraffin.
8.08
The Coldplay song repeats "so high, so high", like a thirteen year-old who has just had a teeny puff on his first spliff.
Having tried to enliven the plodding song with fire, they've now set off some glitter. They really are chucking everything at this performance. Well, except a half-decent song.
8.10
"Love Coldplay" says Dec (or is it Ant). Yes, you're a white, middle-aged man. Of course you do.
You can vote using hashtags for best video! It's modern. AND IN NO WAY OPEN TO #RIGGINGTHEVOTE.
One Direction are on the shortlist, so the actual voting is just a formality.
"You can only vote once" warns Dan (or is it Eck?). Yeah. There'd be no way around that, he said, rapidly deleting cookies and swapping between browsers.
8.12
We've got to an award quite quickly - the now defunct One Direction are on stage to do Best British Female. Jess Glynne/Florence/Laura Marling/Amy Winehouse/Adele. Hardly any of them are dead, too.
8.13
It's Adele! Who is at least alive! Although it's not clear she actually released anything during the period the awards cover, otherwise, you know, she'd have been nominated for that.
Adele says its lovely to come back. She supports Ke$ha, though, which floats out into the room and Ant and Dec comment on how short her speech was.
Still: Adele went there. Pity ITV didn't find any Sony execs for reaction shots.
Not entirely clear how XL had embraced Adele being a woman, exactly. They didn't ask her to draw a tache on with a burned cork?
8.18
First ad break. Sky Q remind you this programme could follow you around the house. YOU WOULDN'T BE SAFE IN THE BATHROOM.
Gary Lineker is advertising a crisp packet which "turns into a bowl of crisps". Except it doesn't, really, it's just a fiddly bag that comes between you and your crisps.
8.19
Ant and Dec appear on tape plugging their Saturday show; there's a break bumper of Ellie Goulding looking a bit awkward.
Ant has got a flame thrower. Hijinks ensue.
Oh, he's set off the smoke alarm.
There's a security guard with a "I feel so sorry for you guys, all I have to do is stop people going backstage" look of pity on her face.
Justin Bieber and James The Hat Bay are on now - by another open fire. Is this year's event being organised by the scouts? ("Akalea says it's either fire-lighting, or else we're going to have to do knots all night long.")
Even Bieber tires of the acoustic thing, so sets fire to more of the stage, and does some more traditional limp poprock with the crotch thing.
8.23
Bieber really has employed the Henery V gambit - if you're shit for ages, when you stop being shit, people will think you're really great.
He keeps grabbing his cock; maybe all that fire is making it roast like a marshmallow.
8.25
Jesus, what is all this fire stuff this year? It already feels like hell, maybe they're just going to complete the ambience.
Nearly half an hour in, and we've only done one prize. Pick up the pace, people. There's News to be done at 10.
Ant and Dec return to make more jokes about smoke alarms.
Kylie's coming on to give out the next prize - British Male.
Calvin Harris v James Bay v Jamie XX v Aphex Twin v Mark Ronson
James Bay wins.
Perhaps it's just as well the Americans are burying this on the Fuse network - can you imagine if an American audience saw us proclaim the best male artist in Britain is the man in the hat.
Bay is confused by the round stage and can't work out where he's meant to be talking. He thanks people for believing for in him. If we don't believe, does he vanish?
8.30
Ant and Dec are prowling the floor looking for celebrities. Instead, they stumble across Nick Grimshaw and wave at Coldplay.
Oh, god, and they find Alan Carr. Carr complains about the journey to Greenwich and weeing in a bottle.
It's the most glittering event of the music year.
And we're off to a second break.
8.32
There's a singing packet of cream crackers on screen now. Better than any of the acts so far on the stage.
Lidl are selling parsnips for 39p.
What's with the DJ in the Virgin broadband ad? Okay, mate, you've got somewhere else to be, but couldn't you at least have waited until the end of Chaka Khan before fucking off?
8.36
We're back again. International Group: Tame Impala v Major lazer v Eagles Of Death Metal v Alabama Shakes v U2
Probably the most interesting shortlist of the evening, albeit providing you squint so you ignore U2.
And, surprisingly - it's Tame Impala. That's a surprise - its one of the few times you could see doing the mawkish thing would be right thing as well; giving it to EODM would have been a decent statement of what we value about music. But, no, this one time they decide to give an award based on music alone.
8.40
Nobody can find the cameras.
There's a really awkward bit where a woman in fetish wear comes and waggles her ass at the camera and rub Ant And Dec. What the actual?
Jess Glynne is up to do her tunes now. I wonder if anyone will set fire to things while she's playing. Jess says she ain't go far to go, which means she, at least, won't get caught in the back-up at the Blackwall Tunnel.
8.42
At least Jane McDonald had the good grace to work a few years on a cruise ship before hitting the stage on dry land.
I keep hearing "Jess Glynne" as "Jeff Lynn".
Ant is now giving a joke award to Dec. I say "joke".
Simon LeBon has come on to do a prize. The Brits have decided a man who used to own this night needs a Snooki Waterhouse to lend him some gravitas.
Little Mix v Adele v Calvin Harris & Disciples v Olly Murs V Years and Years v jess Glynne v Ed Sheeran v Phylis George v Ellie Goulding.
Best British single goes to Adele for Hello. (Okay, turns out she did release something in the qualifying period.)
The Ellie Goulding track was better, though, wasn't it? I mean, it just was.
"I love all them songs" says Adele.
8.48
Another break. They remind us that we can vote for Video of the year. I had totally forgotten that.
Adele's getting a bit...Bev in Abigail's Paarty isn't she? Half expected her to say she was looking forward to Demis Roussos #brits
They're trying hard, I'll give them that. More trying than hard.
Simon Pegg is now going to give out Best British Band...
Years & Years v Foals v Blur v One Direction v Coldplay.
"It could only be Coldplay" says Pegg. Well, yes, given the way the night's going, that would be right.
They take longer to get on stage than one of their songs takes to reach a chorus. "Blur was the first album I ever bought" says Chris Martin, failing to find the camera.
8.58
Chris Martin dedicates the award to people in refugee camps, which is something I suppose.
James Bay is now on live - yes, of course with the bloody hat - doing Hold Back The River.
Here's a cheeky screenshot of him backstage:
9.00
Jude Rogers says what we're all thinking:
I'm missing Will Young and Alison Steadman on Bake Off for this??? #BRITs2016
"Come on now, Brits, come on" cries Bay. There seems to be a thing about shouting at the audience and calling them "Brits", which manages to tip the whole thing into Farage territory.
Dec's hairline, I can't help noticing, now matches that of his TV co-star.
Major Lazer are on to dole out the next prize. They give a shout out to "all the international acts here". (The people whose labels forced them to come.)
Intl solo male:
Kendrick Lamar v John Misty v Weeknd v Bieber v Drake
Justin Bieber wins! It's almost as if he hadn't agreed to turn up and play the event, isn't it?
Bieber - dressed as a child being Eminem - tells us that life is a journey.
Ant and Dec are at a table with Coldplay. Because we haven't heard enough from them already, have we?
They literally have nothing to say. Genuinely, this is the most pointless thing to have appeared on ITV since that time the brought Bet Lynch back for five minutes in Corrie.
9.09
I don't know if Charlotte Church is watching ITV, but she's just tweeted this:
I dunno if I can take any more...... It's making me so angry.
(I suspect the random bloke who replied to that saying "what's up? PM me" should at least get points for trying.)
9.11
Yet more ads.
That woman putting a door in for her pony to come into the house hasn't thought through the implications for carpets and soft furnishings, has she? Maybe she'll Amazon prime a steam cleaner next.
There's not enough ads to fill the breaks online.
Simon Cowell is wheeled on next, looking confused. The look on his face from when the overnights for last series of X Factor came in, presumably.
Rihanna is on, apparently singing behind a giant Venetian Blind.
9.15
It's nice that she's using lights rather than falling back on fire, but it's a dreadful effect watching it on TV. Instead of being a light spectacular, it just looks mostly underlit. It could be Drake who's just joined her onstage, but it's virtually impossible to see.
The dancers have gone to dance amongst the tables, but they're giving a vibe of 'Britain keeps its chin up during the power cuts'.
9.18
Nick Grimshaw and Cheryl are coming on to do the breakthrough act. "It's quite an important award" says Nick. Quite important.
Years & years v Wolf Alice v Jess Glynne v Catfish and the Bottlemen v James Bay
"We were getting distacted by Keith Lemon" says Nick before announcing Cuttlefish and The Bobblehats have won the prize. It's not often you find yourself wishing Keith Lemon hadn't given up so easily, is it?
9.21
Catfish at least keep their speech short. They, naturally, fail to find the camera.
Tim Peake is going to present an award from the space station, which is mainly done to allow Ant and Dec to do a "it's not rocket science joke".
This is the global award, which goes to Adele for being lovely and remaining human.
Tim says he wishes he could be there to present the award - bloody liar. Nobody, given the choice between being in space or sitting in the O2 watching Chris Martin gurn.
Adele is clearly swearing a bit. ITV don't really succeed in cutting out the "fuckings". I suspect she has been enjoying the hospitality this evening.
"Tim Peake - I love you and hope you're okay and not too hungry" she concludes.
9.25
Little Mix are about to go on a world tour. I'm suspecting they might be skipping some countries.
Oh, they've got dancers with flaming torches.
They've tried to rework Black Magic as a drums-and-vocals chant, which shows they have ambition if not exactly the talent to pull it off.
I think using dios de la muerte skulls to signify "black magic" shows a deaf ear for cultural sensitivity, too.
9.29
They didn't appear to have thought how to tie together the drumming parts and the pop parts so there was an awkward bit where it was like two songs fighting in a car park.
Ant and Dec apologise for Adele's swearing. Although in twenty years whoever is organising the Brits will be saying it's one his favourite moments from the awards history.
9.33
Another break. I suppose at least this year things are zipping along, or as fast as they can when James Bay is making time feel like it's slowed and gone into reverse. I've just noticed they'd already shoved the news to 10.20 even before the thing had started, though. So there's a lot more of this to go.
The video vote has closed. One Direction fans can now close all their laptops.
Fleur East and Craig David are coming on to give out the next prize. They're having a great time, they tell us.
International Female: Meghan Trainor v Courtney Barnett v Lana Del Ray v Bjork v Ariana Grande
The lack of Taylor Swift in this category is bemusing.
Bjork wins, but she can't (be arsed to) be there. She gives a video thank you from underneath some sort of Venusian beekeeper's hat.
9.39
Ant and Dec are trying to honour David Bowie. They can't quite manage it, so they bring Annie Lennox on.
That's Annie Lennox and Simon LeBon tonight - it's like when this was still called the British Rock and Pop Awards.
Lennox stands with a hand behind her back and delivers a nice little speech while the audience behind her looks a bit bored.
"He was truly unique" she says, before announcing he's getting a posthumous Icon Award.
Gary Oldman comes on. Oh, Christ, he's going to make a speech, too.
"How can we pay tribute to a man who, whatever missteps he made, was never boring?"
"Hey, we could slow the ceremony to a crawl for two long speeches of superlatives that never quite get to grips with what made him so special."
"Sold."
9.45
So they clearly thought that Bowie's death warranted a substantial segment. They just didn't come up with anything to fill the segment with.
Bowie's bit in Fire Walk With Me was more animated than this.
I think Gary said that he and Bowie were once standing in a fruit corner. Maybe it was a street corner. He's getting into some very slight anecdotes now.
They're now going to honour him by bringing Lorde on, to play the Lady GaGa role in the "we've just told you nobody could be like him, so here's someone trying to be like him" portion of the evening. At least they've got Bowie's band to do a Bowie on 45 bit.
9.50
Lorde sounds a bit overwhelmed by it all.
Oh, and she's having a sit down now.
The lighting on this is dreadful, too; washed in a red glow (because "Life on Mars", presumably) it just looks like they're trying to develop some holiday snaps while doing the tune.
If they felt they had to do something like this, getting Lorde in - a glance at a baton passing to a new generation - is the least worst way of doing it. Better than inviting a narcissist to over-emote.
The other good thing about this segment is they went straight to ads rather than have Ant & Dec doing a bit.
9.56
Apparently, in the real world, someone's being held hostage in Bella Italia in Leicester Square.
9.58
Back to the Brits. Dec has swapped to a white dinner jacket. I bet Ant comes in a dress.
9.59
Ant comes on in a dress.
Alan Carr and Lianne La Havas are now going to share the winners of the hashtag video vote.
(Meanwhile, a Bieber news account reports that Justin has already left the O2. See, guys, you shouldn't have paid him his cash until the end of the show.)
One Direction win the video prize. Even Alan Carr can't pretend to be surprised by that.
ITV cut to Simon Cowell trying to not look smug.
The remaining members of One Direction say it "really is incredible".
Another performance. It's The Weeknd. This time, the lighting's ok, but the sound is terrible.
10.04
Jesus, Lorde-as-Bowie is already on YouTube. For now.
10.06
Ant and Dec are saying they should have had smoke in one of their links. A joke or two might have been more useful, guys.
Mark Ronson has come on to do a prize giving, but instead starts by swearing about himself. This is the Best album prize.
Coldplay v Adele (the album qualified too? Oh, they fudged the dates didn't they?) v Jamie XX v James Bay v Florence
The winner is Adele. Ronson leaves a dramatic pause, but he needn't have bothered as we all hallucinated the name 'Adele' in the gap.
But the Florence album was better than the Adele one, right?
Ant and Dec are talking to that Jack Garratt who won the - what is it called? - person most likely to have gone to the Brits School prize. James Bay is also at the table. If the camera pans back, you can see they've been given colouring sheets and crayons to keep them busy during the evening.
Another break, even though there's only one performance left.
10.16
We've had a preview of Adele's dress for the final performance. It's a lovely dress.
Time for one more bit from Ant and Dec. They don't do any gags in it.
So, what have we learned?
Adele is that rare thing: a person who scoops up all the awards and, even though she might not have actually been the very best in each category, she feels like a compromise everyone can get behind. That's quite special.
Half the Bowie tribute actually worked quite well; Lorde was probably one of few artists who sat at the nexus of 'good enough to do it, famous enough to do it, not too famous to overshadow it'. The other half, though clearly well-meant, felt like something the BAFTAs would have rejected as feeling out of pace with a modern awards show.
The person who was responsible for lighting most of the performances didn't appear to realise it was going to be going out on television.
When they weren't giving awards to Adele, they might as well have burned the bloody things.
Coldplay are now never going to bloody go away, are they?
10.25
They close with a highlights package, which is effectively James Bay over and over again.
10.30
And finally... Ticketmaster appear to think Elton John had died:
Miranda Sawyer delivered a sympathetic interview with Chris Moyles for yesterday's Observer; she was firm with him and, for his part, he came across warmer than he has for quite a while. Although he still tried to skip the difficult questions:
I ask him about being involved in a tax avoidance scheme, and he gets frustrated again. He gives me a very long explanation that boils down to: he thought it was OK and it turned out it wasn’t and he paid it back in full.
Yeah. Because if you're claiming tax for being a second-hand car salesperson, and you don't sell cars, what possible reason for thinking it might be dodgy could there be?
Sawyer talks about sexuality, and his apparent problems with it, and as in the past he reaches for his transgender friend as proof that he can't possibly be homophobic. He's tried this tack in the past, and has been derided for such an obvious "some of my best friends are..." pitch; but he seems to have come up with an answer for that:
“I’m not homophobic, but what can I say about that?” he says. “Whatever I say sounds like ‘some of my best friends are black’. Christ almighty, one of my best friends came out a couple of years ago as transgender. Simon is now Steph, which is fine. But I don’t know what to say about that. Because if I say the wrong thing, I’ll be crucified in Leicester Square.”
The trouble is, having gay friends doesn't 'prove' that you're not gay; not really knowing the difference between transgender people and gay people doesn't entirely make the case any stronger.
Let's just remind ourselves of Moyles' Will Young joke, shall we?
During the imitation the presenter adopted an effeminate and high pitched
voice.
When singing his alternative version of ‘Evergreen’, Chris Moyles broadcast the
lyrics: “It’s my birthday, gonna wear my new dress tonight. And I smell nice. I’ve had
a shower and I’ve shaved my legs. Going out later, might go to Nob-oooh for dinner.”
During the alternative version of ‘Leave Right Now’, Chris Moyles broadcast the
lyrics: “Oooh Will Young here, mmmmh. I’m here, it’s Will’s birthday and as the years
go by I get more very gay. When you saw me years ago you didn’t know, but now I’m
the gayest fella you probably know. mmm I like to wear a silly hat, I get camper by
the hour, oh would you look at the muck in here. I’m Will Young and I’m gay.”
But it's okay, because he's got one friend who is a transgender person.
I think all that really proves, Chris, is that Steph is more tolerant than you are.
Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas is off on a tour of Australia right now. Although he nearly had to come back straight away after "making a joke":
“I keep drinking until I think I’m a black Australian”.
Considering there's such a serious alcohol problem amongst Indigenous Australains that it's the main cause of a horrifying death rate amongst the group, if Thomas had known quite what he was saying, that would be career-endingly shameful.
“I said I drank until I thought I was Australian. Then I drank so much that I thought I was a black Australian and then I drank so much I thought I was a little Australian girl.
“These were 3 things I chose at random to represent 3 things I’m not. I’m not Australian. I’m not black and I’m not a little girl.”
Thomas said that had he known there was a “connection between the indigenous peoples of Australia and a stereotype involving drinking” he would have chosen another example.
“I was so ignorant to the situation that when I heard people groan I actually thought THEY were being racist. I didn’t know until TODAY that just the phrase ‘black Australian’ was racist all on it’s own. (sic)
“I sat in my room and I cried when I found out.”
Thomas said he was “truly sorry” for how the joke was delivered, “most of all to the indigenous people here”.
That seems heartfelt, and genuine. It's what contrition looks like.
He had the grace to admit he got things wrong, and to apologise.
Let's move on.
Except... to play the Columbo 'one last thing' card...
Leaving aside the specific Australian angle, we're still left with something difficult.
In trying to conjure up something different to himself, Thomas thought of a black man.
Now, he could have said he'd drunk so much he thought he was a dragon, or Napoleon, or a teapot, or the singer in a half-decent band. There's a lot of things that are completely unlike him.
But instead, the most distant thing he can come up with from himself is a black man.
Yeah, I suspect it's true that Thomas doesn't have much idea how far the experiences of typical black men - American or Australian - differ from his life. That might be the problem, Rob.
And a quick aside: even without the awkward race angle, going on stage and talking about how much you've drunk isn't an act; it's a stag party organised by bores.
James Bay - who clearly is never going to take the hat off, is he? Like a BHS version of Jamiroquai - is caught in war of words with Lily Allen.
Yeah, it's a bit like the European Union Referendum, in that whoever is in the right you're still going to end up in a group that makes you feel uncomfortable.
The story so far is that Allen has looked at the shortlist for this year's awards, and noticed that being white and being nominated appears to correlate quite closely.
He first picks up on Allen's claim that the shortlist could have been put together by Alan Partridge:
“I haven’t seen REO Speedwagon in the nominations, so I don’t know if it’s entirely Partridge."
That sort of pedantic-but-missing-the-point response is, in itself, a perfect Partridge - it's "I've got a hundred and four friends".
It’s varied nominations. It’s about music. I don’t know why she’s had to go down that route.
"I haven’t looked closely into all the nominations but it’s interesting she should bring that up."
James, there, happily claiming the nominations are are varied while admitting that he hasn't "looked closely" at them. It's like claiming all the tracks on Bay's album are wheezy half-baked nursery rhymes without having listened to closely to them.
What's more disappointing though, is that Bay's response to a not unreasonable complaint about a lack of diversity in the nominations is to say "I don't know why she's had to go down that route."
"That route", eh, James? Why's she had to point out that the shortlist seems only interested in what the white kids are doing?
James appears to believe that "it's music" is enough to explain why so very, very few black musicians have been deemed good enough to get a place on the shortlist. That's a very bad look, James. You're effectively saying "hey, if some black acts had managed to make a decent record, their music would have lifted them onto the shortlist". By trying to insist the Brits shortlist is colourblind, you're just dismissing black artists in the same way the Brits panel has done.
Still, James isn't going to get into that - he's going to attack Allen directly instead:
"I can’t think of her last album, when she last released something.”
Yeah, it's true that Allen hasn't released a record in 2015, but she did in 2014, and it went straight to number one. It's not like she's Wendy James.
More importantly, you shouldn't need to have had a hit single in the last twelve months to call the Brits out on this.
And, although Lily hasn't always been above criticism for her actions not meeting her words in the past, if the best response to 'why is this list so white' you can come up with is 'you haven't had an album out in 18 months', you might be better off shutting up.
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