No Rock And Roll Fun

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Oxegen reveal headliners

Taking on board the criticism of an anonymous poster yesterday that the cynicism on this blog can become wearing, I'm going to approach the announcement of the headliners for the 2009 Oxegen Festival with nothing, nothing, but enthusiasm:

The Kings Of Leon!

The Killers!

Snow Patrol!

You'd certainly have to agree, there isn't another festival taking place at exactly the same time that could pull together that exact same line-up. And so many guitars, so many, many men with guitars.

Muxtape 2.0

After it was shut down by the major labels for the crime of letting people have fun with music, Muxtape did say it'd be back in a new form.

And now it is. If you can call it back:

Welcome to a preview of the new Muxtape, a minimalist platform for bands to promote their music and listeners to create mixes. We’ve invited 12 of our favorite artists to help test, and in the coming weeks we'll begin allowing bands to sign up themselves for free. Learn more.

So what was a fabulous resource becomes another unsigned band platform.

Gordon in the morning: Living the values

Come, let us measure today's work by Gordon Smart against the inspiring calls from his editor Rebekah Wade in her Hugh Cudlipp lecture.

Rebekah:

With these market forces, it's even more important to remember why we exist: Journalism.

Gordon:

KYLIE MINOGUE has recorded a song with Aussie kids’ music group THE WIGGLES — after I revealed last year she was desperate to team up with the four cheesy lads in coloured tops.

Rebekah:

Great press campaigns can change history and shape new laws. They can build a bridge between public opinion and public policy.

Gordon:

Stevie-Louise, wearing blue, said: “Russell [Brand] took his clothes off as soon as we got through his front door. He was definitely wanting a threesome — and he thought he was going to get one.”

Rebekah:

Campaigns provide a unique connection to the public especially when the subject matter is of a serious nature.

Gordon:

“I like going to sleep with nice thoughts in my head. I’ll always pick When Harry Met Sally over Saw V.”

James [Corden] reveals the shocking truth in the March issue of movie mag Empire.

Rebekah:

The newsroom needs journalists who have great contacts, the reporters who can break the news not just report it, the photographers that can bring in the exclusives.

Gordon:

NOEL GALLAGHER reckons playing guitar steered him away from a life of crime.

The OASIS axeman, who lived in the Manchester suburb of Burnage as a child, tells Total Guitar magazine...

Rebekah:

The quality of our journalism will make or break our industry, not the recession.

Gordon:

Failed Yorkshire businessman KEITH LEMON has gone one better by enticing Page 3 beauties BECKY and CHELSEA to dance with him.

Rebekah:

Our ancient craft is to tell many people what few people know.

Gordon:

I reckon COLEEN ROONEY must have spent at least a grand on bikinis for her hols.

WAYNE'S curvy missus displayed YET ANOTHER snazzy design as she relaxed on the beach in the Caribbean with her parents COLETTE and TONY, as well as brother JOE.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Free Sigur Ros

The Independent - yes, it's still going - is attempting to boost its circulation with a free Sigur Ros album this Saturday.

Now, I love Sigur Ros, and look forward to Saturday and picking up some free music from them. But... they're not exactly the band I'd be looking to in order to try and turn around the slump in the Indie's fortunes. Couldn't their columnist Alex James whip up something with his newly refound chums?

Jackson now sued by John Landis

Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand; lawyers run in a ghoulish band, with writs for all clutched tight in hand...
As if Michael Jackson hasn't been sued enough, John Landis has now joined the queue: he claims he's not seen a red cent of income for his bit in the Thriller video in four years.

Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress this post in no way endorses a belief in Michael Jackson.

Venuewatch: Charlotte shutters

It's not unexpected, but it's still sad to hear: The Charlotte in Leicester has failed to find a buyer and will close at the end of the month.

There's a glimmer of hope: Punch Taverns have repeated that they'd like to reopen the pub as a music venue, and bands are lining up to play a benefit gig, if anyone wants to organise one.

For now, though:

Speaking to the Leicester Mercury yesterday [Andy] Wright said: "It will definitely be closing at the end of the month.
Click here!

"That's when the company officially ceases to trade.

"Then it's up to Punch Taverns as to what it wants to do with it.

"I will be gone at the end of the month and it will be closed until further notice."

Leicester will feel the loss.

[Thanks to Simon T for the link]

Zune falling behind

The awkward Zune New Year's Eve fail was bad, but as embarrassments go, that was mild compared with the latest set of figures from Microsoft: Coolfer is reporting that Zune revenues fell 54% in the last quarter of 2008 compared with the final quarter of 2007. Admittedly, the economy is looking a little sickly, but it won't be lost on Microsoft that the iPod continued a period of growth. Cue more mutterings about the long-term future for a device which is still lagging behind SanDisk, never mind Apple.

Nothing but show tunes

PJ Harvey's musical version of Hedda Gabler comes to the stage in New York this week.

A musical Hedda Gabler? Probably not going to be too many break out pop hits in that one, I'd guess.

Slipknot fan dies during gig

Upsetting news from Slipknot's US tour, where a fan collapsed and died during an Iowa gig. The man appears to have had a heart attack; his friends told the local paper he had a history of heart problems.

Eamonn Holmes tells Rihanna "she needs a slap"

It's perhaps not reassuring at all that Eamonn Holmes says he'd only slap Rihanna if she was his daughter. Not reassuring at all.

Still, if his reaction is unsettling, his annoyance with large entourages, which led to his diagnosis that what Rihanna needed was a paternal smacking, is understandable:

"I find the entourages that some people come with, especially the Americans, really pathetic.

"Rihanna, for example, is a beautiful girl, but if she was your daughter, you'd give her a slap and tell her to wise up.

"She is surrounded by people who treat her like a little flower."

If Rihanna was your daughter, Holmes, you'd actually have to arrange an appointment with Randy, who is her official slap-taker.

Holmes is sharing his experience with Star magazine:

Holmes added that Beyonce Knowles' sister Solange had the right attitude, but said he found her "stand off-ish" when he asked her about the former Destiny's Child singer.

Fancy that, eh? Someone who lives their entire life in the shadow of a more famous sibling getting the hump when an interview turns out to be about their sister. Whoever would have thought?

Gordon in the morning: Geri shows off her ring

What a wonderful time for the tabloids: Geri Halliwell is ~~pregnant~~engaged. Ah, the joys to come: an OK! Wedding, rumours and speculation, estrangement, divorce. This one could keep Gordon in lead columns for years - why, like the Winehouse-Fielder Civil union, which today offers up a sixteenth rapprochement tale.

But Gordon's not entirely happy. What's wrong, Gordon?

the Italian stallion has wasted no time in making an honest woman of Geri.

Just as well on the honesty front, as Geri wasn’t very truthful when Bizarre asked about the good news after Christmas.

She denied it then, and has been wearing gloves a lot recently — something to hide perhaps? — but in a statement yesterday Geri’s management firm 19, said: “We are delighted to announce the engagement of Geri Halliwell and Fabrizio Politi.

“As a token of their commitment to each other Fabrizio presented Geri with an engagement ring over the festive season."

Aw, did Halliwell decide to announce her own engagement in her own time rather than through your column? What a beastly thing to do. How shockingly dishonest.

If not bending to Smart's whims and desires was a fault, then Halliwell's paying for it now, as Gordon unleashes his hurt at not having been told the truth, like an annoyed fairy in Grimm Tale:

GERI HALLIWELL’s Italian fella must have overcooked it on the grappa.

Oh, that's right - he must have been drunk off his tits to have even considered asking her to marry him. But Gordon's only just warming up with his sub-Perez Hilton snark-gobbets:

“There are no immediate plans for marriage as the couple are enjoying their engagement.”

No immediate plans?

That sounds like a get-out-clause to me — which is probably a wise move for the shipping tycoon, given Geri’s pretty dire history with blokes.

Yes, it can't be that the couple are just enjoying being engaged and haven't started to plan anything yet. It must be that - having got engaged when Fabrizio Politi was drunk - they've decided to have an engagement they don't believe in. And you can prove it because Geri has had boyfriends in the past, can't you, Gordon?

The surprising thing is that Rebekah Wade, who has let this appear in the newspaper, was delivering last night's Hugh Cudlipp lecture (you can pretty much get the flavour of it here, in Wordle form). Cudlipp, I'm sure, would have run pretty much this sort of thing himself.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Government buries three strikes

The music industry's dream of people being banished from the internet if they're caught downloading music without the correct licences is fading fast. David Lammy, Intellectual Property Minister, has told The Times it ain't gonna happen:

Mr Lammy, who has begun a big consultation entitled Developing a Copyright Agenda for the 21st Century, said that there was a big difference between organised counterfeiting gangs and “younger people not quite buying into the system”. He said: “We can't have a system where we're talking about arresting teenagers in their bedrooms. People can rent a room in an hotel and leave with a bar of soap - there's a big difference between leaving with a bar of soap and leaving with the television.”

He said he hoped the memorandum of understanding would mean that the Government did not have to apply “the heavy hand of legislation”.

Music industry figures said they were disappointed by Mr Lammy's comments. One senior figure said: “The relative cost of stealing a bar of soap from an hotel might be small, but if it came to seven million people nicking the soap each year, which is what we have in the music industry, I'm sure that hotel chain would do something about it.”

Actually, the soap metaphor doesn't work - the cost of that small basket of toiletries is factored in to the cost of the room. And once you've opened the bar of soap, it's not like you can leave it to be used by the next person along. I think Lammy and the unnamed senior figure are thinking of towels, aren't they?

Interesting that the "senior figure" isn't confident enough to put his name to his thoughts.

Kanye West must have been hacked again

After he was made to look foolish by someone pretending to be him and suggesting he was up for some man-and-two-woman porn shoots, it looks like Kanye West has been made to look even more stupid online. Hark at this:

"I have so much to stunt about that it baffles me. So I asked myself this question, and you can ask yourself the same: Who do you know with two thumbs and his own Louis shoe? This guy!
[...]
"Who wouldn't want to work with Louis Vuitton? They're the number-one luxury brand. It lets people know you like nice things."

"As soon as they put that red [a red training shoe], it was killer! It's like an accessory that can express your personality. Like an instant tattoo!"

Trouble is, this really does appear to be the actual Kanye West talking about a pair of overpriced pumps like he's cracked the human genome.

NME Awards: 2010 Brit Awards shortlists announced

The Shockwaves-sponsored NME Awards shortlist sponsored by Shockwaves (you know the one: 'st-st-st-studioline by laurie-elle...') has been released, and the very headline just screams how different and alternative from mainstream prize givings these are:

Oasis, Alex Turner, Killers: Shockwaves NME Awards 2009 nominations

Here's the shortlistings in full, complete with the sponsors names:

The 2009 nominations are:

Best British Band supported by Shockwaves
Bloc Party
The Last Shadow Puppets
Muse
Oasis
Radiohead

Best International Band supported by 4music
Crystal Castles
The Killers
Kings Of Leon
MGMT
Vampire Weekend

Best Solo Artist
Ladyhawke
Laura Marling
Lightspeed Champion
Jay-Z
Pete Doherty

Best New Band supported by Bench
Glasvegas
Late Of The Pier
MGMT
Vampire Weekend
White Lies

Best Live Band supported by Red Stripe
The Killers
Kings Of Leon
Muse
Oasis
Radiohead

Best Album supported by HMV
Bloc Party – 'Intimacy'
Glasvegas – 'Glasvegas'
The Killers – 'Day & Age'
Kings Of Leon – 'Only By The Night'
Oasis – 'Dig Out Your Soul'

Best Track supported by NME Radio
Kings Of Leon – 'Sex On Fire'
The Last Shadow Puppets – 'The Age Of The Understatement'
MGMT – 'Time To Pretend'
The Ting Tings – 'That's Not My Name'
Vampire Weekend – 'A-Punk'

Best Video supported by NME TV
The Last Shadow Puppets – 'My Mistakes Were Made For You'
Late Of The Pier – 'Heartbreak'
Oasis – 'The Shock Of The Lightning'
Radiohead – 'House Of Cards'
Vampire Weekend – 'A-Punk'

Best Live Event
Glastonbury
Isle Of Wight
Reading and Leeds
T In The Park
V Festival

Best TV Show
Gavin & Stacey
The IT Crowd
The Mighty Boosh
Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Skins

Best Film
The Dark Knight
Juno
Quantum Of Solace
Twilight
Wall-E

Best Dancefloor Filler
Bloc Party – 'Mercury'
Crystal Castles – 'Courtship Dating'
Dizzee Rascal & Calvin Harris – 'Dance Wiv Me'
Friendly Fires – 'Paris'
Late Of The Pier – 'Bathroom Gurgle'

Best DVD
Arctic Monkeys – 'At The Apollo'
Foo Fighters – 'Live At Wembley Stadium'
Kaiser Chiefs – 'Live At Elland Road'
Muse – 'HAARP'
The Rolling Stones – 'Shine A Light'

Hero Of The Year
Alex Turner
Barack Obama
Brandon Flowers
Noel Fielding
Noel Gallagher

Villain Of The Year
Amy Winehouse
George Bush
Gordon Brown
John McCain
Pete Doherty

Best Dressed
Alex Turner
Alexa Chung
Brandon Flowers
Noel Fielding
Noel Gallagher

Worst Dressed
Amy Winehouse
Brandon Flowers
Johnny Borrell
Katy Perry
Pete Doherty

Worst Album
Britney Spears – 'Circus'
Coldplay – 'Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends'
Jonas Brothers – 'A Little Bit Longer'
Razorlight – 'Slipway Fires'
Scouting For Girls – 'Scouting For Girls'

Worst Band
Fall Out Boy
Jonas Brothers
Oasis
Scouting for Girls
Tokio Hotel

Sexiest Male
Carl Barat
Keith Murray
Matt Bellamy
Miles Kane
Pete Doherty

Sexiest Female
Alison Mosshart
Hayley Williams
Kate Jackson
Lykke Li
Stephanie Dosen

Best Website
Bebo
Facebook
Last FM
MySpace
YouTube

Best Venue
Brixton Academy
Manchester Apollo
London Astoria
Glasgow Barrowlands
London O2 Arena

Best Album Artwork
The Cure – '4:13 Dream'
Guillemots – 'Red'
The Killers – 'Day & Age'
Muse – 'HAARP'
We Are Scientists – 'Brain Thrust Mastery'

Best Band Blog
Foals
Lightspeed Champion
Little Boots
Noel Gallagher/Oasis
Radiohead

I suppose, to be fair, the inclusion of Coldplay only on a 'worst' list might at least allow some orientation as to which shortlist is the alternative one. But Noel Gallagher "best dressed"? How would that even get past the judges?

And while it's nice to see a 'best website' award, isn't the shortlist an indication of the weakness of the category? Bebo versus Facebook? If you're going to throw it open to such wide consideration, shouldn't Google at least be in the line-up?

The lack of a best DJ (as in radio) award seems to be a bit of an oversight, as well: who cares if NME readers like the Mighty Boosh; isn't the person who slips them fresh music into their ears more, you know, significant? It's like Gardeners World trying to find out their readers' favourite pasty and forgetting to ask about favourite pansy.

Black Lips "flee India"

They don't, it turns out, like it in India if you remove your clothes and dive into the crowd. Or certainly not when Cole Alexander did it. As a result, The Black Lips nearly had their passports confiscated and have fled the country, leaving a canceled tour in their wake. Someone, though, should turn their MySpace explanation into a movie:

When we got to the next hotel a mysterious man and someone who worked for our Indian booking agency tried to run off with our passports they got to the car when we caught them. That's when our VBS.tv documentarian Rob went postal on them. We surrounded them until they gave back our passports. After that we booked the first flight to Berlin to instead work with another Indian, King Khan, on an upcoming EP. We are flying out as soon as sunrise hits this far away land and we have to have the US embassy's phone number on hand in case any more troubleshit starts popping at the airport or something.

If you're making the movie, you might want to change 'the phone number of the American embassy' for something a little more exciting, like 'a gun disguised as a guitar'. Even so: alarming stuff.

Jesus Lizard not merely skimming the surface

Good news: The "fleeting reunion" of The Jesus Lizard is to be slightly less fleeting than we might have thought. The Culture Of Me reckons there's thirty dates around the world being lined up.

Youth in the mud: SY for Glastonbury

Thurston Moore has dropped a fairly massive hint that Sonic Youth would be available for Glastonbury, should they be asked.

Not entirely sure Michael Eavis will be pleased by his reasons, though:

"I wanna play Glastonbury because it's such a disaster camp and I really enjoy that. The general consensus amongst musicians I know is that it's like walking into the pit of hell, and in some way it really feels like that."

"The only times I've ever been there it's been so incredibly messed up."

"You're lucky to get through any perceptible, decent set at all and then there are these huge roving cameras on stage that are spinning around documenting the disaster. There's something about that I find really charming."

Yes, yes, man, but what about the sponsored phone-charging points and the carefully documented entry scheme?

A bad investment coming from Iceland

Kerry Katona has been rehired by Iceland after "turning her life around". (In other words, after a couple of weeks in which she's not been photographed upside-down in a doorway and a handful of pictures in Reveal of her out jogging.)

I suppose - having stuck with her through the last few years - it would be odd to let her go during a relatively rare period when she's not on the front pages snuffling out an apology for something or other. And it's not like there's any commercial logic to having her and a pretend family pushing frozen gizzards in gravy-style sauce coating in the first place.

Still, Iceland must be delighted to have Kerry fit and healthy to act as a spokesperson for their wonderful range of frozen foods, right? After all, she went to Iceland and got herself in shape, right?

While Kerry admits she allows herself her favourite fatty treats at the weekend, she lives on a diet of Bran Flakes, salad and protein shakes during the week.

She also drinks a pint of water with every meal as well as green tea to speed up her metabolism.

Oh. But perhaps she freezes the Bran Flakes.

Bowie: I really really wanna Ziggy-Zig, ah

There is some hope in the original story is sourced to the Daily Star, and thus probably not entirely true, but even so: worrying that David Bowie is apparently thinking of bringing back Ziggy Stardust for Coachella.

Actually, how would he do that anyway? Would he try and squeeze back into his 1970s jumpsuit, or would he do an aged-in-real-time Ziggy? The first would be embarrassing; the second, if done correctly, would be unwatchable. Ziggy in 2009 would surely be occasionally popping up in Bizarre to complain about the way his Christmas Record got ignored by Radio One, and perhaps facing the ignominy of having Phil Jupitus fail to spot him in a Buzzcocks line-up ("... is it number two, Toomuch Angeldust?...")

Idol moments

The American Idol behemoth might be showing signs of running out of steam, but it's not quite ready to be reformatted as a daytime show yet. Not while local papers like Houma Today still gets excited by local people taking part:

The popular singing competition, which is entering its eighth year, attempts to discover amateur talent and make them into superstars.

And it was this opportunity that led Golden Meadow native Jordy Rousse to make a nearly 2,000-mile trek to Salt Lake City.

To get this sort of coverage, Rousse must have done pretty well, right?

While he didn’t get a chance to sing in front of celebrity judges Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul or Kara Dioguardi, that doesn’t mean Rousse failed miserably.

Rather, Rousse made it to the final part of the preliminaries before a contestant is sent in the room holding the quartet of celebrity judges.

“I got to meet with the producers,” Rousse said. “I sang for them, but it ended with them telling me I was a bit too theatrical for the show.”

Too theatrical? For American Idol? Given that most people turn up with a pantomime story of heartbreak and deliver the songs like they're attempting to launch Whitney Houston covers into space, how theatrical must Rousse be, to be "too theatrical"? Bloody hell, he must have his own atrium and team of stagehands, with Abe Lincoln being shot someone in his belly.

Still, nice try. It's not like you've thrown away a great chunk of your life to pursue going on a game show, is it?

“I ended up taking basically a semester off of school to pursue it,” he said. “I might wait to after college and give it another shot. I’ll just have to see. It was memorable and I did have a good time, but I can’t say right now whether or not I’d tryout a second time.”

A whole semester? I suppose it's lucky it wasn't The Price Is Right. How can you spend months preparing to sing a song for Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson? Most of their winning acts don't last a semester, never mind train for one.

Still, it's not like Rousse's life is over, is it? He's got a wide range of opportunities and excitements and surprises ahead of him. Right, Houma Today?

Gordon in the morning: Woman wears not-that-skimpy top

The thing about Gordon's piece on Daisy Lowe this morning is not just how tired it is:

Daisy's Lowe-cut top

DAISY LOWE is used to turning heads, not records. But that didn’t stop the party girl showcasing her talent behind the decks at The Plumm bar in New York.

But the top isn't even particularly low-cut. It's like Gordon's doing a tribute to those sketches where Victorian men get all hot and bothered by a glimpse of a naked ankle.

Still, at least there's nothing in the Press Complaints Commission code that says she shouldn't do it. Not like the story about Madonna and Guy's children which seems to be in the paper solely because of the fame of their parents. Given that it's only last week that Madonna was securing her injunction against the Mail to stop it publishing her wedding photos, it's surprising how relaxed she seems to be about the kids having their photos splashed about the papers.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet - Harvey's Rabbit

Teenage Kicks remembers Harvey's Rabbit, and wonders what became of them:

[S]uddenly they were the darlings of the NME. The future looked rosy. Then the syndrome kicked in with a vengeance. Two singles and two years later, they finally made an LP, The New Spiritual Vacuum, which the NME (again) characterized as 'a timeless, zeitgeist-free world of scruffy suits and grey skies; of marginally fierce attitude and chipper, slightly chummy tunes shot through with deadpan grace.'
And that, apparently, is all she wrote: their website still lists that LP as a new release, twelve years on.

Zavvi: fit for the future?

Business took me back to the neighbourhood of Zavvi yesterday, and I popped in. Fans of the chain will doubtless be delighted to hear this time they actually had proper bags for carrying purchases away in.

More worrying is that - considering the Milton Keynes branch is supposed to be one not about to close - the store looked, well, awfully like a shop that was about to close. Everything seemed to be deeply discounted. Indeed, so discounted that the price cuts had outpaced the ability of the store to print signs, so most of the "25%" and "50%" signs had been drawn on cardboard in marker pen.

But with everything on sale - at silly prices - were I employed in the store, I might be wondering what, exactly, the store is intended to be selling in two months' time. Reducing large levels of less-than-attractive stock you can see - but flogging off everything dirt cheap? That looks like an exit strategy.

Silver Jews reach the end

David Berman has made the required hand signals to mark the end of The Silver Jews. Oh, and explained why in a Drag City forum post:

I'm just going to play fifteen songs. My fifteen favorite ones.

A dollar per song. Plus Arnett Hollow. I don't

want to keep you underground for too long. Fall Creek Falls State Park State Lodge is great by the way.

Yes I cancelled the South American shows. I'll have to see the ABC Countries another way.

I guess I am moving over to another category. Screenwriting or Muckraking.

I've got to move on. Can't be like all the careerists doncha know.

I'm forty two and I know what to do.

I'm a writer, see?

Cassie is taking it the hardest. She's a fan and a player but she sees how happy i am with the decision.

I always said we would stop before we got bad. If I continue to record I might accidentally write the answer song to Shiny Happy People.

What, you thought I was going to hang on to the bitter end like Marybeth Hamilton?

I think that "avoiding writing an answer to an REM pop hit" has got to be the best answer to 'why are you ending the band' ever yet conceived, hasn't it?

Downloadable: Rikers

What can we tell you about Rikers? MP3 Hugger suggests they'd fit comfortably into a venn diagram intersect between the Bunnymen and Glasvegas, but why not judge for yourself by downloading the free mp3 Easter Eyes?

The lord moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform

Chris Cornell had been supposed to appear live on Isthmian Premier League US chatshow Jimmy Kimmel Live, but had to cancel. Because it rained.

True, he had been supposed to play on an outdoor stage, but given that every fete, fayre and hoe-down run by the smallest church manages to promote the idea that "if wet, the event will be held in the village hall", was it really beyond anyone's power to, you know, move the event inside? It's almost as if nobody was that arsed about Cornell appearing in the first place, isn't it?

Chris Martin loves the environment

Chris Martin might have made himself look a little two-faced driving an SUV in a city centre while campaigning for the environment. The private jet would suggest a third, maybe fourth face.

... and who has invaded whose privacy?

The story gets worse over at the News of the World, who not only manage to be EVEN MORE OUTRAGED than the Mail, but start to dig around to try and work out who the 80 year-old woman might be:

And last night as it emerged that the woman is a REAL PERSON with ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE there were mounting calls for Ross to be SACKED from his £6 million-a-year job.

But unless you're really suffering from an ability to process a joke, or intimate with the details of Ross sidekick's Andy Davies' private life, you wouldn't know the specific woman, and clearly the joke wasn't invading her privacy. Unlike, say, a British tabloid poking about to try and stir up some faux-outrage.

The News Of The World also drops in a fabrication:

The mega-bucks star’s crude joke about sex with an 80-year-old woman infuriated listeners.

Except nobody complained. So these are "listeners" who were infuriated but didn't do anything about it. How does the Screws know of this "infuriated" listener base?

Apparently it has one:

Regular Radio 2 listener Nigel Langstone, 43, from Leamington, Warwickshire, was furious over Ross’s comments and said: “I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“He gets kicked off air for three months for hounding an old man with disgusting comments about his grand-daughter.

“Then virtually the first thing he does after getting back is start telling a gag about sex with an 80-year-old woman. How insensitive can you be?

“It just shows he’s learned absolutely nothing and is a loose cannon who can’t be controlled.

“What’s worse is that the exchange happened with his own producer—the man who’s supposed to control him.

“The BBC is totally OUT of control. They’ve no idea how much offence they’re causing.

“Ross should be taken off air immediately. He’s a timebomb waiting to go off.”

You're a regular Radio 2 listener, and yet seem surprised by Jonathan Ross's show? It's like being a Radio 2 listener and saying "I can't believe that Terry Wogan waffles on with no consequence before playing a song off the Best Of Motown...", surely?

Anyone else want to clamber on the pretend outrage bandwagon?

Meanwhile former Home Secretary David Blunkett called for Ross’s pay to be docked as a result of this latest incident. He said: “It’s time for Ross to donate some of his salary to charity.”

Eh? How does that even make sense? I can understand - just about - people pretending to be shocked or horrified; you can even understand the News of the World and the Mail churning out acres of copy about it. But surely, Blunkett, either he's behaved badly and should quit, or he's edgy but doing what he's paid for. In what way is "it's okay to make jokes about sex with octogenarians providing you give your pay for that day to charity" even approaching an coherent response?

At the end, it's about understanding what your audience wants and what they feel happy with. After all, a lot of the stuff in the News of the World seems to a casual observer as too explicit for a publication which isn't on the top shelf, but it's about knowing your audience. Having said which, if the News Of The World really believes its buyers want to read non-stories attacking a few moments of radio they probably haven't heard, or would have enjoyed if they had, it presumably wouldn't be selling fewer copies than at any point in the last 50 years.

Jonathan Ross says something; the Daily Mail is upset

A mild joke - tasteless, tactless, but mild - about having sex with a woman in her 80s has been enough for the Mail On Sunday to roll out the Hazmat team and call, once again, for Jonathan Ross' head on a stick:

Jonathan Ross risked the wrath of BBC executives on his return to Radio 2 yesterday by making crude remarks about sleeping with an 80-year-old woman.

It's not clear if the Mail is upset at the idea of Ross having sex with anyone, or if they're so gerontophobic they believe that the very idea that you might have sex with anyone over the average age of their readership is, in itself, wrong. Or, perhaps, the Mail isn't really upset at all, but has to continue with its pathetic campaign.

Because was anyone upset?

No:

The BBC did not receive any complaints over the incident on Saturday.

The Mail had to shake its bag of perpetually outraged contributors. Who can you find, Mail? How about one of Mary Whitehouse's mob?

John Beyer, director of pressure group Mediawatch UK, said: ‘It’s ultimately for BBC director-general Mark Thompson to say whether this sort of innuendo and suggestion is what he had in mind when he gave Jonathan Ross his last chance back in October. The BBC has to establish boundaries of acceptability.’

Well, yes, to be honest, it probably is what Mark Thompson had in mind - Ross making the sort of joke his audience will find amusing, since you ask.

Have you got anyone else, Mail?

Conservative MP Philip Davies, who sits on the Commons Culture Select Committee, said of his remarks about the elderly woman: ‘Everyone knows what Jonathan Ross is like, particularly now. 'Certainly the BBC are well aware. If you employ Ross, this is what you can expect from him and this is what you’ll always get from him. My view is that he should have been sacked three months ago.’

Oddly enough, Davies' 'this is what you expect from Ross' comment echoes exactly what the BBC says: