Gordon in the morning: Cole's terror at, er, zero feet

Gordon leads today with a massive splash about Cheryl Cole's flight horror horror shock shock horror:

Cheryl Cole’s storm terror on private jet

The "storm terror"? Er... there was some lightning quite near her plane. Before it took off.

The bad weather was right over the grounded private jet and lightning struck the runway just a few metres from the plane.

Coming tomorrow: Sugababes experience nightmare as captain warns of turbulence and switches the seatbelt sign on.

[Cheryl Cole] said: “We were stuck in the plane and just sitting on the runway and a bright massive flash of light hit outside the aircraft. I said to my friend, ‘That’s lightning’ — then it just didn’t stop.

“I was so scared that I thought, ‘This is it. I’ve got an album to promote and I’ve got so much yet to do!’”

Yes, imagine all the lip-syncing and polite replies to inane questions the world would have missed out on.

Cheryl Cole might have taken comfort in the knowledge that lightning strikes on planes are common, but actual accidents as a result incredibly rare - a commercial plane won't get through a year without being hit by lightning. Instead, she reached deep inside herself:

“But I remembered I’d climbed Kilimanjaro, so took a bit of strength from that.”

Yes. If a lightning strike did manage to knock out the electrical system of my plane, sending it hurtling to the ground, having climbed a mountain is even better than adopting the brace position.

Stone Roses want to snaffle photographers' rights

Given the bazillions of pounds being poured over The Stone Roses on the occasion of their reunion, how disappointing they've attempted to chisel a bit more by making photographers sign rotten contracts:

Photographers are planning to boycott the Stone Roses reunion concerts in Manchester this weekend in a dispute over the use of their images.

They claim a contract issued by the band is unfair as it expects them to surrender all rights to their pictures.

The National Union of Journalists is supporting the boycott.

The band's PR man, Murray Chalmers, is quick to deny there's anything wrong with demanding photographers hand over their rights:

The Stone Roses press agent, Murray Chalmers, said it is normal for contracts to be signed and, as far as they are concerned, "there is no boycott".

"We have a complete list, a full quota of photographers who are covering the concerts," he added.

Ah yes, if someone has signed a contract then it must, by its very nature, be fair. Although if you took that line, The Stone Roses would still be releasing records on Silvertone for tuppence.

The Rolling Stones unveil 'new' logo

It's come to this, has it? We're meant to be excited about a band issuing a tour logo?

According to Rolling Stone:

In honor of the occasion, the band asked artist Shepard Fairey to update their iconic tongue logo with a sleek new design.

If that was the brief, they should hold their money back, as all he appears to have done is paste the old logo in the middle of some horrible typography. It's the opposite of slick, surely?

Jessie J: Domino theory

The lawsuit in which Loomis And The Lust's claim that their Bright Red Chords sounds like Jessie J's Domino is same-old, same-old, until you get to this bit of the MTV report:

In April, Loomis uploaded a video of the band's song with Jessie's vocals laid on it, but the clip has since been removed on "copyright grounds." However, a music video for "Bright Red Chords" remains online, allowing fans to determine if Loomis has a case against the British songstress.

I know there could be a fair use argument for a stretch of the vocals being used, but isn't it undermining your own case to a 'being left open to a counteraction' extent to steal the vocals of somebody you're accusing of stealing your melody? It's a bit like breaking in to someone's house to see if you can find the things they pinched when they broke into yours, isn't it?

The brightest minds of our generation

Benga has looked around his generation, and found it is good:

Asked who the artists of this generation are, he told NME: "Us obviously, Skrillex and Mumford & Sons."

Really? God, I fear for the Young People.

Gordon in the morning: Fool One Direction fans, shame on you

A girl in Texas made herself look a bit like one of One Direction's girlfriends to sneak past security. Gordon reveals how far she went:

She copied [Eleanor Calder]’s outfit and hairdo and looked so convincing that other fans – Directioners as they call themselves – thought it really was Eleanor.

Mmm. Convincing enough to fool a One Direction fan, eh? That's not exactly placing the bar especially high, is it?

Rihanna nearly burns alive (except, of course, she doesn't)

London's burning, London's burning, fetch the engines, fetch the engines:

Rihanna has been evacuated from a London hotel fire.

The 'We Found Love' singer and 300 guests were rescued from the Corinthia Hotel in Whitehall Place in the early hours of the morning (27.06.12) after a blaze broke out in a lift shaft.

"Rescued", you say, ContactMusic?

As so often happens, this turns out to be 'minor incident in a place where celeb was staying; fire alarm goes off; people stand around in the street for a bit' rather than a rescue:

London Fire Brigade have confirmed that no one was injured, and Clare Durnford, the hotel's public relations manager insisted the incident was not serious, and evacuation was just a safety precaution.

She said: ''At approximately 6.30am, one of the service elevator motors at Corinthia Hotel London burnt out. There was a slight discharge of smoke and because of our robust fire management policy, the alarms were activated and a full evacuation of the building was carried out.

''As a matter of procedure, the fire brigade were called to carry out full safety checks throughout the building. All guests were safely accounted for and were allowed back into the hotel soon after 7am.''

Not only was there no rescue, then; there was no fire, either.

The Wanted's Suicide Solution

Apparently, The Wanted are catching heat for their Chasing The Sun song. Singing about staying up all night partying? That's a bad example for the young people.

I don't think anyone is actually saying this, it's more like a desperate hope from management that somebody would.

Still, we're encouraged to approach the lyrics with an open mind:

Jay said: ''I think this song, it can mean many things. To some people, it is partying all night and chasing the sun the next morning. That's what the first video is about - the girls, the teeth are there, the vampires.

''So we're all there partying away. And that's one aspect of the song. Another aspect of the song is chasing your dreams, the unattainable acorn in the distance.''

"The unattainable acorn in the distance." The what now?

Of course, the song isn't about that; it's about partying until you fall over.

Or... is it?

I'm better
So much better now
I see the light, touch the light,
We're together now

When you read the lyrics, the image is less of people partying through the night and more... well...

Until forever comes
You'll find us chasing the sun
They said this day wouldn't come
We refused to run

... it reads like the last will and testament of someone backed into a corner choosing to kill themselves rather than capitulate.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll find us chasing the sun
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll find us chasing the sun

Obviously, not that bit.

When the daylight's fading
We're gonna play in the dark
Till it's golden again
And now it feels so amazing
Can't see it coming
And we'll never grow old again
You'll find us chasing the sun

If I didn't know better - and, really, I don't - I'd assume that the Wanted's songwriters have tricked the band into recording a suicide anthem.

Maybe the unattainable acorn in the distance is the afterlife. Who knew?

Gordon in the morning: White list

Rather an odd non-story about the Rolling Stones from Gordon this morning:

Rolling Stones open to Jack White collaboration

KEITH Richards wants Jack White to work his production magic for The Rolling Stones’ 50th anniversary.

What's this based on? Apparently Keith saying

He said: “The door is wide open for Jack.”

This is Keith Richards. Are we sure he isn't just refusing to rule out drug use?

What is the point of this story? It's not announcing that White is going to produce or work with the Stones; despite Gordon's gloss there's not even much in that quote to suggest that Richards "wants" White to work with them. Just that it's possible.

But the real point of the story?

Er... to run a large picture of Georgia Jagger modelling one of the badly-designed Madonna/Lourdes outfits.

Bookmarks: Autotune

Over on the Oxford University Press blog, Steve Savage launches a defence of Autotune:

As a recording professional, I see Auto-Tune primarily is a tool that allows for the occasional pitch fixing of a small part of a vocal performance. Before Auto-Tune I had numerous debates with singers about a particular phrase that I felt was especially emotional and effective but had one slightly sharp or flat element. I’d say “But the performance is great! No one is going to notice that tiny pitch issue.” Often the singer “just can’t live with that line” so we’d record it again. (We’ve been fixing pitch in vocal performances by re-recording for a long time.) However, when we’d re-record the line, invariably it wouldn’t be quite as emotional or expressive, but it would be more in tune. The singer would be satisfied and I’d be disappointed. Now, thanks to Auto-Tune, I can pitch fix the little problem and save that great performance.

Hundred Reasons split; Cable will attend

Hundred Reasons are calling it a day, but going out with something of a hurrah:

The farewell of Hundred Reasons; the return of Hell Is For Heroes. But surely the most exciting thing is Cable.

Cable!

Cable!

Cable!

Gordon in the morning: Footballing metaphors

According to this morning's Bizarre, Chris Martin feels that Coldplay are the Manchester United of pop:

“I was talking to my dad about Manchester United — the most popular football team in the world — and when they show up at West Ham they get booed.

“I was thinking, ‘Well, it’s the same for us’.”

Surely it's not, though? Manchester United get booed by the crowd at the West Ham because they're playing in front of a crowd that, for a large part, actively support a different team. If Coldplay turned up to somehow try and beat, say, Kasabian in a competition, you'd expect the Kasabian supporters too boo the other side.

I don't really follow football, but even I wouldn't expect opposition supporters to cheer Manchester United just because they're more popular than the team that they follow.

The Manchester United comparison is apt, though: they, too, have a massive following which comprises mainly of people with no emotional connection but who, thinking they should support someone, have simply picked the winning team.

Sugababes hard at work in the studio

Heidi Range has told DigitalSpy that the Sugababes are writing music:

"We're all writing in the studio anyway," she said. "It's kind of ongoing. But there's no plans to bring anything out this year."

In other words, they don't expect to have the songs delivered to them for them to add the word "gurgle" to the chorus this side of Christmas.

Meanwhile, the Golden Age Sugababes, consisting of the characters who originally played the band, say they'll have some music to listen to in about ten weeks or so.

Guardian sell up radio stations; rivals livid

The Guardian Media Group has flogged off its radio arm to Global Radio, prompting much unhappiness amongst other radio groups:

UTV Media is also "seeking urgent clarification" as to how Global Radio can claim to be holding GMG Radio as a separate business during the regulatory scrutiny period, while it has brought in two senior executives to run its new acquisition following the departure of chief executive Stuart Taylor.
[...]
A spokesman for Bauer Media said the deal will "permanently lessen" choice for radio advertisers.

"Bauer Media believes the merger of Global and GMG Radio will be fully investigated by the competition authorities as this combination will increase the dominant market position that Global already has in local and national markets and permanently lessen choice for radio advertisers," he said. "We have no further comment to make at this time."

It's not so much that UTV Radio or Bauer are particularly exercised by plurality of ownership or actual choice:

UTV Media and Bauer Radio are understood to have submitted unsuccessful bids to buy GMG Radio

So it's more foot-stomping at the reduction of choice not resulting in the increase of their market share, then.

Gordon in the morning: Flushed

Oh dear, what can the matter be?/
Jessie J's locked in the lavatory/
She'd popped in to touch up her finery/
And notwithstanding Gordon's headline wasn't actually stuck sitting on the toilet, poor thing.

Madonna: Making Howard Hughes sound careless

Although it has all the hallmarks of a story based on half-understood rumour and fact inflation, and as such is almost certainly untrue, you can see why people might want to believe that Madonna is having her dressing room wiped clean of DNA:

The Winnipeg Free Press reports that, with the Queen Of Pop set to arrive in Portugal's Coimbra City tomorrow evening (June 24), [concert promoter Alvaro] Ramos confided: "We have to take extreme care, like I have never seen for any other artist. We cannot even look at the dressing room, after it is ready, or even open the door."

He added: "We can only enter after her sterilisation team has left the room. There will not be any of Madonna's DNA, any hair, or anything. They will clean up everything. In the end it is all to protect her and make her feel comfortable. I do understand it, but it is taken to extremes."

A source close to the singer, meanwhile, added: "She is a perfectionist, and expects the best. But then, at her age and with her status, why shouldn't she?"

None of these quotes really make any sense at all, do they? If we imagine that Madonna really is somehow having a room "sterilized", in what wat would it follow that an older woman who has had number one records would be having skinflakes scrubbed out of the room? Presumably, there's some sort of scale, whereby Cheryl Cole would insist on making sure the toilet seat had a bit of a wipe round; Adele could expect the carpets to be steam-cleaned and Shirley Bassey's demands would include scrubbing of all door handles.

And Ramos seems to simultaneously understand it, and not. Because if it was an understandable desire, why would you mention it to the papers? Nobody would ring up the Winnipeg Free Press to say that Kasabian have called for lagers and a bag of chips?

Still, Madonna: if you're really worried about people getting hold of your DNA, be careful using the toilets - there could be someone lurking round the ubend with a net, you know.

Weller rained off

Nothing can stop The Weller.

Except heavy rain at Jodrell Bank, which has meant his Cheshire gig has been axed:

In a statement, event director Jon Drape said: "Due to a month's rainfall in 24 hours across the North West the site is now unfit to accommodate the show. Despite the best efforts of our site crew and subcontractors overnight the main event arena and car parks we are unable to deliver the concert safely."

In other news, God, was spotted wandering around Cheshire muttering "if there's no role for Mick, let's hope Weller can float." Witnesses claim God was wearing a Merton Parkas t-shirt at the time.

This week just gone

Up until the middle of last week, I've been on holiday. Here's the most read-stuff while I was away:

1. Tatu ponder what it is that makes people go 'are they gay'?
2. Kate Nash turns around a track in a day
3. Kanye West reckons he do that architecture thing
4. R Kelly having sex forced onto jury
5. AC/DC won't be on iTunes
6. The Sun promotes the Tulisa sex tape
7. Billy Corgan blames the internet for everything
8. The last Mark & Lard show in full
9. DLT to meet Aung San Suu Kyi
10. Usher apparently has more women than he knows what to do with

These were the interesting things on sale the last time the right hand column was updated:


Japandroids - Celebration Rock

Download Celebration Rock



Dexy's - One Day I'm Going To Soar

Download One Day...



Shawn Colvin - All Fall Down

Download All Fall Down



The Walkmen - Heaven

Download Heaven



Patti Smith - Banga

Download Banga



Propaganda - Wishful Thinking

Download Wishful Thinking

Elvis: Crypt no-go

At the start of the month, you might remember a crypt in which the corpulent corpse of the late Elvis Presley rested while paperwork was completed turned up on an auction site.

Put your money back in your pocket, Dickinson: fans have decided that this is somehow an affront to his memory, and had the auction cancelled.

Oddly, the various other assaults on his memory - the Elvis-branded banana-flavoured peanut butter cups; the official golden sunglasses; the locks of hair with certificates of authenticity - this seems to be fine with the fans who lap them up.

Vince Power hates BBC putting on live bands. Nowadays.

Vince Power is quite clear when he condemns the BBC for getting into the festival business:

The Hackney Weekend has been criticised by veteran festival promoter Vince Power, former prime mover of the Reading festival, and now running Hop Farm and Benicassim in Spain. Complaining that taxpayers' money should not be spent on a free festival in times of austerity, he went on to say: "If the BBC is giving something out for free, then we can't compete. It's really pissed me off."

Oddly, though, when Power was running Reading and Leeds, he was happy enough to have a Radio One stage as part of the events - curious that he seems to be relaxed about licence fee money being spent to subsidise his own operations, but not in competition with them. Oh, to have such principles.

Glastonbury 2012: What is Michael Eavis up to?

Without a festival to organise, and no cars to drag from a sodden parking field, Michael Eavis had enough time on his hands to guest edit the Western Daily Press.

Given how Eavis always trots out an upbeat tale of success, no matter what went wrong, I was half-expecting him to announce that there's a brilliant festival going on in Pilton, in blazing sunshine.

He doesn't actually do that.

Instead, he paints a lovely image of festival values:

The Festival cares and the people who come here do, too; I once saw someone who didn’t quite have enough money to buy bread at a stall at the Festival. The fella next to him broke his bread in two and gave the other chap half and walked off.

It was brilliant. It was so impressive – he hadn’t done it to be applauded, he had just done it. It would be wonderful if actions like that could be replicated more often.

It's true, you do meet a lot of lovely people at the festival. But there is a lingering sense of how the idea of a place where people share their bread with the poor squares with a £200 entry fee.

Nickelback: Money saving expert

From the ever-vigilant Criggo collection:

Simon Cowell thinks up brilliant and witty riposte to the original One Direction

You'll recall the original band One Direction, who - somewhat surprised to discover Simon Cowell's band of gym receptionists trading under the same name - launched a lawsuit.

Cowell has now come up with a comeback - He's suing back.

Yes, that's right. Apparently, what to you or I might look like a genuine discomfort at having your band name pinched, to Cowell is something other. The Americans have:

"devised and perpetrated a scheme to exploit the goodwill"

Yes, they built a time machine, flashed back to earlier in the century, started a band with the name One Direction and then came back to 2012 just to exploit Cowell's creativity. It sounds plausible to me.

Bobbie Brown writes a book

Bobbie Brown is busy slaving away in front of Microsoft Word, reports Blabbermouth:

Bobbie Brown, an actress and model and probably best known as the video vixen in WARRANT's "Cherry Pie" video, is working on her autobiography, "Sex, Drugs And Cherry Pie", for an early 2013 release.

Now, I don't work in publishing, but if I was trawling round for celebrity biographies, and was offered one by 'you know, the woman out a pop video from 1990', I'm not sure I'd be exactly whipping out the chequebook.

Coming in 2013: 'My life as the one in the red top out of the ZZ Top Legs video' by the one in the red top out of the ZZ Top Legs video.

Gordon in the morning: What an arse

Stop the presses! Gordon Smart has discovered women have bottoms:

Nothing Min-i about Nicki’s bum

No, really. In what was once a newspaper.

The rapper showed off her incredible bottom in a shoot for New York-based magazine Urban Ink.

Ah, how long must Smart have been lurking about in a car parks in Washington to uncover this scoop, eh?

Black Keys take on Hut, Home

Tracks from Black Keys' El Camino have turned up soundtracking Pizza Hut and Home Depot adverts.

Nobody asked them first.

Pizza Hut and Home Depot are now getting grumpy legal letters from The Black Keys.

Cock sues baller

Mark Durante - who was briefly in the Revolting Cocks - is Kevin Durant, a basketball player over a terrible nickname:

According to the suit, filed Wednesday in federal court for the Northern District of Illinois, Durante has repeatedly demanded that the Oklahoma City Thunder's three-time NBA All Star stop using the nickname. He's also suing Nike, which he says has begun using a superhero version of Durant named "Durantula" as part of a shoe campaign, and Panini Authentic, which is selling photographs and basketballs with the Durantula inscription.

The real sting is not that the sporting person is using the name, but that Kevin is the more popular of the two Durantulas:

"A few years ago if you Googled 'Durantula' it was all about me," [Mark] said.

Then, he said, his friends and fans started telling him they couldn't find him on Google because the search results that came up were all about Durant.

Hang about - rather than an expensive lawsuit, why didn't he just tell his friends and fans to Google "durantula music" or "durantula + mark"?

Bookmarks: Glastonbury 2012

The Guardian is currently streaming live from the site of the Glastonbury festival. Yes, you read that correctly.

UMG-EMI merger goes to Washington

The US Senate is currently grinding through a decision on whether it should smile upon the merger of Universal and EMI. Yesterday senators held a hearing to allow themselves to be better informed before (meeting shadowy lobbyists, accepting small envelopes and) delivering their verdict.

As MusicAlly reports, much of the focus was on the digital music market. Warner's Edgar Bronfman Junior fretted that the 50% of biggest-selling artists held by the new Universal would allow it to decide which digital services thrived, and which wilted:

”At 50% of the hits, Universal can say no to anything”

Universal were shocked, shocked, at the suggestion they might use their new superpowers for anything but good:

UMG boss Lucian Grainge disagreed.

“The thought that we would constrict our artists who we’ve invested in, and construct the investment we make in EMI to dissolve the market would be commercial suicide,” he told the hearing. “We would be insane not to license, develop, make our music available through as many platforms, through as many retailers as possible.”

Yes, the idea of a major label trying to use its catalogue to strangle upstart, disruptive businesses and technologies - where would anyone get an idea like that, eh?

You suspect, though, that Bronfman is less worried about the idea of record companies taking on digital companies than he is about the new company's greater heft within the RIAA, the majors' preferred choice of digital closedown.

Isle of Wight Festival: God apparently didn't get tickets

With no Glastonbury festival this year, the regulars had to find some other place to go. The cascading heavy rain which makes everyone's life a misery apparently chose to attend the Isle of Wight festival instead:

Problems began on Thursday morning when the main car park had become waterlogged from heavy rain overnight.

Organisers were forced to open extra fields and bring in metal tracks so vehicles could be directed to overflow car parks. Many had to be towed because of the mud.

Naturally, being an island meant that the knock-on effect of traffic gridlock was a ferry fuck-up:

Mud at the festival site caused by heavy rain led to huge delays in parking and resulted in tailbacks as far back as the port of Fishbourne.

Three boats carrying about 600 people were held in the Solent until the cars stuck at the port had moved and the passengers could be discharged.

A spokesman for ferry operator Wightlink said: “We can't do anything else with them until we can get into port to unload. At the moment we are in the lap of the gods with the Isle of Wight Festival.

"As soon as the berth is free they will be able to unload, but we just don't know when that will be. It has nothing to do with us, and it's not a problem caused by us."

When people eventually make it to the site, things will get even more miserable for them.

Pearl Jam have managed to arrive.