THE MUSIC INDUSTRY IS FLOURISHING - SO WHY THE LAWSUITS?

The BPI defends its lawsuits against individuals as the only thing that will keep the wolf from it's members doors. The leeching of free music is bringing it to its knees.

But that's just not true: artists albums (the non-compilation sort) rose year-on-year to a massive 126.2million units in 2005. Pretty good by any standards.

Compilations saw their sales slip, but with many of the key compilation markets moving into purchasing electronically, that's only to be expected, and more than off set by a 48 per cent rise in single sales, 26.4 million downloads sold in the year as a whole, a million of which came in the last week.

A pretty healthy year - many other sectors would have chewed their arms off for performance like that (we tried to get the fancy goods market to chew its arm off in return for a 48% rise in hair doodads sales, and they were halfway through to the bone before we told them we were only using a figure of speech.)

They try to mutter about how piracy is hurting them, but they can't stop themselves from grinning:

BPI Chairman Peter Jamieson said, "A rich crop of albums from both debut and established acts meant that 2005 will be remembered as yet another great year for British music, and helped us record the best year ever for artist album sales."

Let's remember those cheerful words the next time they send off solicitor's letters pleading they're on their knees.

music bpi record sales

RADIOHEAD NOT HEADING V - SO FAR

Despite what you might have heard on the internet, Radiohead haven't signed up for the V Festival. They've been asked, they're still waiting for a better offer ("thinking it over.")

The Who, Kasabian and Keane are also sitting looking at emails pondering if they can face a trip to Chelmsford.

music radiohead v festival

TWO CHEERS FOR UNIVERSAL

We're quick here to damn the music cartel companies when they do something stupid - actually, not "quick", as they do so much stupidty and we're just one person but their stupidity is important to us and if they wait on the line, we will deal with the latest manifestation as soon as possible. However, if they do something good, then we think it's only fair we acknowledge that, too. So, we're quite pleased to hear Universal is bringing the first of 10,000 albums from the last 40 years online, featuring British, Irish, German and French acts from long-deleted collections.

Of course, as we embrace them and pull them close, we do have to whisper in their ears that they could have had this process underway ten years ago, and been selling all those tracks for that decade online. If all the labels had moved to get their stuff onto the web as soon as it became obvious the way the wind was blowing, they could have headed off any sort of widespread grey market of unpaid for copies circulating. And now, they bring us DRM hobbled, overpriced downloads and expect to be praised for honouring their own past... actually, we'll mark them down a cheer and a half.

But still: half a cheer.

music downloads

SOUL SICK LIST

We're at a loss to understand quite how one gets hospitalized for "exhaustion" - presumably, there's got to be something more to it than just being in need of a bit of a kip - but it's happened to Isaac Hayes. He's in a hospital in Memphis, and "doing much better."

music rock sick list isaac hayes

LEIF GRIEF

Leif Garrett - who we always thought of as, quite erroneously, the American Leo Sayer - has found himself on the wrong end of the always long-arm of the law. He's been arrested, suspected of having drugs but having no underground ticket. It's not clear which was considered the worst offence.

Trouble is, Garrett - aptly named after the place where struggling artists lived and starved - was on probation for possession already. So he's being held in the cells pending his appearance in court.

music leif garrett

PLEASE LIKE CHRISTIAN O'CONNELL

Having spent some cash luring him away from XFM, Virgin is going to pump more into reminding people they exist ("promoting the new show".) There's going to be some of those nasty rollover things which will launch O'Connell babling away while he's on air - an interesting idea, but since there's presumably going to be other stuff going on during the show, Virgin could be spending their cash to promote the INXS back catalogue and whatever companies are advertising on them; that's amongst the few web users who don't get pissed off with them for suddenly blaring out of their PC because they inadvertently moused over an ad.

In addition, poor sods in Camden will have the show yelling at them from bus-stops - surely the best argument for walking to work instead.

Virgin Radio's David Andrews, head of marketing, is very excited:

"Video footage available online from our world-famous studios will really capture the public's imagination as well as achieve massive additional reach."

Capturing the public's imagination? Excuse me while I fan myself - a webcam in a radio studio, Mr. Andrews? Why, I never thought I would live to see such wonders.

And in what way are the Virgin Radio studios "world famous"? I'm the sort of person who makes people take detours so we could drive past the HTV studios in Bristol, and I could no more tell you where the Virgin Radio studios are.

music virgin radio christian o'connell

KERRY KATONA THREATENS ACTING

Surely, nothing we've ever said or done here can be considered as the Sun's snarky line as it announces that Kerry Katona is planning an acting career:

The star, who unveiled her comedy acting talent on Iceland adverts, has revealed that she is happy again with boyfriend Dave Cunningham but there are no plans to get engaged.

"revealed her comedy acting talent", eh? Not, you'll notice, her talent for acting and comedy. Sometimes, that paper really does have a way with words. Us, we'd have just said "tragic acting talent."

music kerry katona

TATU SPLIT FROM MANAGER AGAIN

Haven't Tatu already dumped their manager once? Only they've done it again, so grumpy at being booked on some sort of reality TV show they fired him on air.

Hang about... "reality TV show". Just a stunt, then.

music tatu

COURTNEY WAS A LITTLE BIT PREGNANT

We're losing track of if the current line is that Courtney was pregnant with Steve Coogan's baby, or wasn't, or had it aborted, or had the child and gave it to a family in Kansas to raise unaware of its mystical status until his eighteenth birthday, when his destiny was revealed. Steve Coogan has, erm, cleared it up for us:

"The story that went around about Courtney being pregnant with my baby was 80 per cent false and 20 per cent true.

"I'll leave which is which up to your imagination."

Oh, Steve, don't do that; our imagination is coming up with "It was either Steve's, or Fredrico's, or Terry's, or the bloke's who came to fix the air conditioning." And we're sure that's not what you mean.

Apparently, Steve says Courtney still sends emails "all the time". Do you want us to show you how to set up a filter to avoid that, Steve?

music steve coogan courtney love

HOLD THE ORANGE BOOK PRIZE FOR MS BECKHAM

There's no reason to assume that Victoria Beckham's planned book will be an affront to literature and make Lotsa Da Casha look like Melvyn Bragg; and it would be wrong to assume that Posh is planning to write a kid's book because she can get away with smaller words, fewer of them, and fill the pages up with pictures. (We're not actually sure that Beckham knows there are books that don't have ten words on the lefthand page and a drawing of a doggy or a bunny on the right.) No, the words to chill the blood are that she's writing a book "to tie in with her children's clothes range.

Ha, in your face, Richard Hoggart - I think you might have missed off "flogging hooker clothes to six year-olds" as one of your uses for reading.

music books victoria beckham

WHAT WOULD HE HAVE BEEN LIKE IF HE HATED YOU?

50 Cent must have a strange idea of what friends are like, as he thinks that Eminem is a buddy for telling him not to do the movie:

"Two weeks before filming he calls me and says: ‘They told me you’re going to do a movie?’ and I said: ‘Yeah they told me you said it was a good idea.’

"And he says: ‘And you went for that?’ He told me: ‘You’ll be there for three months, on set for hours, maybe 16 hours a day sometimes and they’ll say: 'Oh 50 can you make us an incredible record while you do that too?' so you’ll be writing all the time…I don’t know why you did that.’

"So after that I was wondering what I’d signed up to."

After filming had started, Eminem called up again and said he was only messing, and he and 50 had a right old laugh.

The important thing to note, though, is that Eminem didn't say "I was just mucking about" until after it was clear 50 Cent was going to make the movie anyway.

It doesn't mean that Eminem hates 50 Cent, of course - it could just be he loves the cinema.

Meanwhile, Centy says that he has no problem with nudity in the movie - in fact, he wanted more:

"When it came to do the love scene I was OK because I had already done the shower scene," he added.

"But then they told me I had to put something on, I didn’t know, so I had to put a sock on."

You'll note he doesn't say if it was one of those ankle-high ones or a football sock.

He's also argued, half convincingly, that there are double standards at play when people complain about him waving guns about in movie posters:

“Using guns or weapons to market a film is not unusual,” he said. “You know what the logo for 007 is. You’ve seen Rambo and Terminator. It’s part of entertainment. It’s just when they see me they say there’s something wrong with it.”

Up to a point, Lord Fifty. The problem, of course, is in the blase "it's part of entertainment" and, more crucially, in James Bond and Cyborgs from the future being clearly grounded in a fantasy world, while your film is based on you, and your image, which is nothing without its links to the real world. As far as we know, Roger Moore has never gone around talking about how much he loves it that he's been shot.

music 50 cent eminem

BABYSHAMBLES MAY PLAY SOME OF THESE DATES

Presumably figuring that Pete might find touring difficult if the worst happens in court next month, Babyshambles are squeezing in a mini-tour in the next few days:

Stoke Underground - Jan 20th
Liverpool Academy (ex-L2) - 21st
Nottingham Rescue - 22nd
Cambridge The Junction - 23rd
Colchester University - 24th.

Tickets are on sale now; you might want to check the plans for the refunds when you pick 'em up.

music pete doherty babyshambles

WHITNEY, BOBBY: THE CRACKS ARE SHOWING

You can't really take Bobby Brown's word on anything but he does seem to have been going round honking that he and Whitney Houston are getting divorced. Mind you, he did say this while trying to cop off with some other ladies, so it might just be a hardcore version of "my wife doesn't understand me."

Presumably they'll be down the solicitor just as soon as the front door stops laughing at them and the giant crawling baby with the flashing eyes gets out the garden.

music whitney houston bobby brown

THE THRILLS REGROUP

We remember being the very vanguard of the lukewarm response for Lets Bottle Bohemia, so we're managing to breathe normally upon hearing that The Thrills are getting back to work for their third album. One bright spark is they're bringing back Tony Hoffer, who, Conor admits, didn't produce their second album because they though it was a rule you shouldn't use the same producer twice. It's odd they weren't so strict about not using the same songs all over again.

music the thrills

U2 TICKET CHAOS. AGAIN.

After the screw-up of ticket sales at the start of the U2 tour - people who'd paid for access to a computer system found it crashed - U2 have managed to engineer another PR disaster in Brazil as another ticketing exercise collapsed in chaos.

Depite an outrageous ticket price - Bono's desire to help the poor of the world doesn't extend to doing anything that will hurt his own pocket, it turns out, and tickets cost two-thirds of the minimum monthly wage - thousands of people queued round the blocks to try and get gig tickets, distribution of which had been put in the hands of the Pao de Acucar supermarkets. Only ten stores in Sao Paulo and two in Rio were given tickets, and most only assigned one cashier to take care of the sales.

U2 are playing a football stadium with a capacity of 73,000. So, even if demand had only matched supply, twelve cashiers would have had to be selling tickets at the rate of seventeen a minute to deal with the demand in a single seven hour day, which was always going to be unlikely. Since queues had started forming the day before, most people might have guessed that demand was going to be more than for supply.

Cash machines broke; tempers got short; police got called out to keep an eye on things.

It's turned into a bit of a PR disaster for Pao de Acucar - queuing fans started to chant against Abilio Diniz, who runs the chain, and pledged their future alleigance to rival Carrefour.

music u2 brazil

JACKSON NEEDS TO BRUSH UP ON HIS INTERVIEW TECHNIQUE

Money must be really tight for Michael Jackson - things, indeed, are so bad he's even considering getting a job. He's applied for a position as a consultant on a theme park and music business.

That's going to be wonderful interview:

-So, Mr. Jackson, you say you ran a theme park in America?
-Yes, yes... Neverland
-And how much money was that park making during your management?
-Well... um... what is this "money" thing?
-How much did you take from people coming through the gates?
-I... what are you implying? I only ever gave to them. Why do you want us to think it was about taking? How can you spoil something so beautiful? I NEVER TOUCHED THEM.
[awkward pause]
-Maybe we should move on to something else. Obviously, Mr. Jackson, we will have to perform a background check on your suitability to work in a place full of children...
-I have a letter from Ruth Kelly, will that do?

music michael jackson

GORE & MORE ENCORE

The entire Depeche Mode back catalogue is getting a 5.1 makeover and reissue later this year - possibly some time round Easter, which will be apt for the stuff from the period when they kept taking their shirts off and pretending to be Jesus.

music depeche mode

BLUNT DOESN'T ENJOY A GOOD JOKE

It's interesting that whenever the copyright industries call on Europe to adopt regulations ever closer to their generous treatment in America, they never suggest we adopt the right to use works royalty free for the purposes of parody. It's that lack of a right to parody that kept Phil Pope in cheques writing similar-but-not-infringing versions of popular tunes for Radio Active and Spitting Image. And, if we had such a right, James Blunt and his management wouldn't have been able to bully a site into taking down a rewriting of You're Beautiful.

We're far from sure why they bothered - yes, it did take the piss out of Blunt and the song, but he's been a marine. If you can take being stripped to the waist and being buggered by a rolled-up carpet or whatever it is that they get up to in the marines these days, surely you can cope with a gentle ribbing? Or are they worried about loss of earnings? "Well, I had been going to buy a copy of You're Beautiful as a Valentine's Day gift for my beloved, but I've made a copy of a track about how dirgey James Blunt is off my computer to give instead. It's exactly the same thing."

No, it just smacks of a kneejerk reaction from a management office. We'd suggest that exposing your charge as a humourless bastard to shut down a mild joke that was doing no harm would be the sort of management decision they'd teach you against in that Harvard Business School. Or on the cassette-tape versions of their courses.

music james blunt

SONY BMG ROOTKIT COULD KILL US ALL, POSSIBLY

That nifty little rootkit which Sony-BMG started throwing onto people's computers to protect its copyright? It starts to look as if it might have compromised all our safety - a researcher has found the program, which opens a backdoor to hackers, on governmental and military computers around the globe. Thanks, Sony.

The "around the globe" bit is interesting, too. The intentionally-damaged discs were only distributed in the US, and yet their fingerprints are turning up all around the world. In other words: pirates have been duplicating Sony's discs, piracy-proof protection and all.

Sony will have to hope that the discovery that their gunk has got into federal systems doesn't leave them open to repercussions from the US: installing secret software on a US military network would surely get any of us a one-way trip on a shadowy flight to a unmapped government facility.

music sony bmg

BOURNE LOSES HIS BOTTLE

It seems unlikely that Son of Dork are going to turn up on the bill at Reading this year.

Well, of course it is - no matter how poor Reading might have become, even Clear Channel would realise that booking the Joanie Loves Chachi of Busted spin-offs would be a waste of everyone's time and money. But even if they offered, James Bourne would be too scared to play, as he's haunted by the potato-and-bottle hail that greeted Fightstar (the Mork and Mindy, since you ask) there last year:

"Charlie got it with his band and I don't see why we should take that chance. I'd rather just not go to a festival at all - even as a punter. If I can't go on stage without that risk, what are the chances of me walking through crowds without a bottle being thrown? I've got no interest in it."

Well, he's got a point - after the mayhem and injuries at last year's Reading Festival, he would be at risk of getting caught in a rumble. But not because you're in Son of Dork, Jim: somebody would have to recognise you for that to happen.

music fightstar son of dork busted

PRESTON SHARES TOO MUCH

At first, we thought the "scoop" that Preston Ordinary had lost his virginity when he was 13 had been picked up by someone sitting through the acres of Celebrity Big Brother coverage making notes, but it turns out canny More magazine did an interview with him before he went in. Not just because of BB, of course - More's coverage of the indie scene is second to none; you should see their Forward Russia makeover in the current issue. Apparently, Preston isn't much cop when it comes to saying goodbye at the end of a relationship:

"You pretend you're depressed and need time alone, when really you just fancy someone else."

We hope his current partner, Camille, knows that he's doing Big Brother, otherwise she's probably assumed when he said he was going to go away for a couple of weeks and wouldn't be in touch that she was dumped.

Preston's cherry-popping came during a game of Spin The Bottle - "it was a bit skivvy" - so god alone knows what would have happened if they'd been playing sardines. It's lucky he knows skivvy when he sees it, though, as Chantelle has been clambering into bed with him.

Meanwhile, George Galloway has been taking the Elvis impersonation a little too far. He seems to think that like Elvis, nobody knows where he is, and has been happily signing commons motions despite being locked in a house so protected, not even publicity hungry solicitors can get in to serve papers. (Isn't lucky that the former solicitor Anthony Bennett just happened to get his case against Barrymore together in time to coincide with the series, eh?)

The Sun, meanwhile, is busy pushing at an open door with a campaign to get Dead or Alive's You Spin Me Right Round re-released. Who knew Pete Burns would be the new Peter Andre?

Earlier: Enter Saville

big brother pete burns preston ordinary boys michael barrymore george galloway

WILL YOUNG IS GAY

Having heard that Robbie has turned down the chance to be on the Take That tour, Will Young has offered his services. He's keen to slip into Robbie's gap in the line-up, although he seems to have his eye more on Lulu's part:

"I'd happily join Take That on stage and look after Robbie's place - that would be so much fun, we could all sing together. My favourite Take That song is Relight My Fire, so we could perform that one."

Take That are at least being polite:

Take That's management said: "The band did their last big tour as a fourpiece, so they don't think Robbie will really be missed this time around.

The idea, though, is ridiculous - Will and Williams are like chalk and something quite other than chalk. Will Young is a gay man who sings weak songs designed to sound good piped through Asda FM, whereas Robbie Williams is quite a bit older than him.

music take that robbie williams will young

ALARMING HEADLINE UNSUPPORTED BY STORY

Anyone who's ever gone to a gig might have swallowed hard when they read the Mirror headline 'KILLER' AT ROCK GIG. Only it turns out the alleged murdered wasn't actually a 'killer' at a rock gig at all; just that a jury was told by the prosecution that after he killed his parents he went off to see Blink 182. Not quite the same thing.

music blink 182

HOW POSH PULLS

Victoria Beckham has given her top tips for pulling blokes - all you need to do is pull on a pair of skintight jeans and a pair of high heels.

By a fabulous coincidence, Beckham is also pushing her own line of designer jeans. What splendid luck.

music victoria beckham

DOHERTY BURNS RADIO STATION CASH

His latest run-in with the law has led to Pete Doherty having to scrap a gig - and you know how much he hates not turning up for a gig. Problem is, this one was meant to be in Austria and the organising radio station had to cover the costs, estimated at £120k of the cancelled event, including the private jet which would have flown the band to the centre of Europe.

Still, at least the station will have saved the band's appearance fee, reckoned at fifty grand. Money that Pete could have done with, as he has apparently been buying Jaguars. The car, not the cat.

Presumably because he was so taken with the advert Mr Sting did for them, he's bought three of them. We're not sure how this squares with him not having a pot to piss in, or his cherished man of the people image, but it does mean he could go into the wedding car business if venues get tired of booking a band who don't turn up.

music pete doherty babyshambles

EMINEM'S GRAN PROTECTS HIS GRANDS

Can't she just be happy for him? Like an archetypal old lady at a wedding, Eminem's grandma snorted when he remarried Kim. Granmama thinks that Kim's just after his money. Which would at least be a more comforting thought than "he's changed since he sang about murdering me and my child", which is the sort of violent behaviour even Rith Kelly might think about before giving a second chance.

Incidently, if you divorce someone twice, do you get one half of the other person's stuff, or one half for the first time, and then one half of whatever's left? Can you protect your initial alimony in a prenup? Or since it comes between weddings, is it called an internup? Eminem's gran doesn't see this as being important, as there isn't an agreement anyway:

Betty Kresin said the star was “stupid” for not making Kim, 30, sign a pre-nuptial agreement to protect his millions.

Betty, 66, said at her home in St Joseph, Missouri: “Kim will take everything. She’ll go through all his money.

“She wouldn’t want to get married so quick if he’d got a pre-nup.”

“Kim is very controlling. She’s turned him against his family.”

Yes, that devious woman who deliberately engineered a divorce, bitterness, unpleasant attacks against her on every radio station in the land. That Kim is so in control there.

music eminem

MADONNA KEEPS KIDS OUT THE SPOTLIGHT

Madonna has put her foot down - yes, we know, who ever thought Madonna would come over all insisting? - and barred Lourdes from auditioning for the part of Luna Lovegood for the next Harry Potter movie.

Not, as you might think, because Lourdes is about half the age of the rest of the cast and it would look ridiculous, but because Madonna wants to spare her kids from the glare of the camera until they're old enough to make an "informed choice" about seeking celebrity. You can see Madonna in this picture here, protecting Lourdes from the glare of the unforgiving public eye by standing next to her at a film premiere, bravely trying to suck up all the attention.

She's doing the same thing in the second photo, too, where - somehow - Lourdes found herself at a book launch event for one of her mother's Kabbalah kids stories. Quick thinking Maddy thrust a book into her hands and got her to read aloud from it, thus sparing Lourdes from being part of a showbiz event.

We're sure Madonna's just keen to make sure that her daughter doesn't find herself centre of attention when her mother isn't there to protect her by soaking up all that attention herself. What a wonderful mother.

music madonna lourdes

COWELL ANNOYED 'ALL ABOUT ME' HAS GONE AS A TITLE

There can't be a person alive who will be surprised, that, given the backing to make a film, Simon Cowell has decided to make a movie all about himself.

What is odd, though, is the plot of Cowell - The Movie is based around a "pop svengali turning pop hopefuls into stars" rather than a tiresome boor who gets his jollies inviting people to try and follow their dreams, then pissing all over them, while taping their humiliation for the amusement of millions. And gives Sharon Osbourne work.

music movies simon cowell

AND THIS IS HOW YOU DELETE ALL THE TRACKS YOU'VE ONLY PUT ON TO IMPRESS ABIGAIL FROM ACCOUNTS...

The great thing about the iPod, of course, is that its designed so well, even the sort of fool routinely pitied by Mr T could use one. We're not sure, then, who Selfridges are targeting with their £65 iPod lessons - they say there's customer demand for the tutorial there. Certainly, you'd have to be have a mind slimmer than an iPod Nano to not twig that the Apple store round the corner does the same sort of thing, but for free.

[Thanks to Franco Milazzo for the link on this one]

music apple ipod selfridges

DIGITAL RIGHTS "UNFAIR" SAYS NCC

The National Consumer Council, who were looking out for British citizen's rights when computers were still using reels of tape, has condemned anti-piracy efforts as eroding people's traditional rights in a submission to a parliamentary inquiry:

In its statement to the inquiry it said the digital locks put on content were "constraining the legitimate consumer use of digital content".

Also being undermined were rights established by consumer protection and data protection laws, it said.

"Consumers face security risks to their equipment, limitations on their use of products, poor information when purchasing products and unfair contract terms," said Jill Johnstone, the NCC's director of policy.

She added that the group had little faith that self-regulation by media makers would protect consumer rights.

The NCC, of course, has less cash to lobby than the music and movie industries do; and they'll have to hope that the importance of our rights will outweigh the inevitable industry claims of how anti-piracy measures protects markets, GNP and jobs.

Still, it's not likely that the Blair government would side with big businesses over individual historic rights, is it?
[Thanks to Anthony T for the link]

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