Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Mills: Victim of Macca "attack"

Well, they did say that the McCartney-Mills divorce was going to turn nasty, although nowhere near as nasty as the marriage if the claims in Heather Mills' divorce filing are true:

She says that while in Los Angeles in November 2002 he “grabbed her by the neck and pushed her over a coffee table”. Heather adds he stormed outside and fell down a hill, cutting his arm.

In May 2003 — while she was four weeks pregnant with their daughter Beatrice — she claims he shoved her into a bath, leaving her shocked and distressed.

And in August 2005 he choked her after she asked him if he had been smoking cannabis, the papers allege.

In April 2006, just before they announced their split, he flew into a rage and tipped red wine over her, it is claimed.

He then reached to grab Heather’s wine glass, snapping off the stem.

The papers continue: “He lunged at the respondent with the broken sharp stem of the wine glass, which cut and pierced the respondent’s arm just below the elbow, and it began to bleed profusely.”


McCartney is expected to contest these claims in court, as you'd expect, since if they're proven, he turns out to be a complete shit.


Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Madonna: Open your heart

After the last couple of days turmoil, Madonna has made a public statement about her "adoption" of David.

(By the way, it wasn't encouraging to hear one of the anchors on BBC Breakfast this morning referring to David as "it".)

[Madonna said] she had acted "according to the law like anyone else who adopts a child".

The singer said she wanted to "open up our home and help one child escape an extreme life of hardship, poverty and in many cases death".


Of course, if that was her real aim, she could open up a couple more of her homes and give escape to several other kids. One of those Hampstead houses turned into an orphanage, funded by, say, the royalty cheques from her post-2000 hits. That would be making a difference, rather than making a gesture.

More interesting than the emote-by-numbers is the claim that she followed the law like "anyone else":

Madonna said she and her husband Guy Ritchie began the adoption process months ago.

"This was not a decision or commitment that my family or I take lightly," she said.


Interesting. Back when the chap from the Kabbalah centre she supports made his comments about how the jews who died in the holocaust brought it on themselves, Madonna's spokesteam said she was too busy rehearsing a single gig to offer up a reaction. Rehearsal took all her attention. Now, though, she's apparently been touring a controversial stage show round the world while simultaneously spending time in Malawi being interviewed about her fitness to be a parent. How, we wonder, did she and Guy manage to keep coming and going from the country unspotted?

And if this had all been sorted in advance, and so this trip was merely to pick up the child, how come Liz Rosenberg seemed unaware her boss was going to be leaving Africa as a mother of three?


No more Killer Cars

Thom Yorke cares about things. He cares about you and me, and the planet. And global warming.

In fact, he's quite worried how bad rock music, and touring in particular, is for the environment:

"The way that tours are structured now and the way it works is a ridiculous consumption of energy ... I would consider refusing to tour on environmental grounds, if nothing started happening to change the way the touring operates.

"I think it's a necessary part of what I do, to tour or play live, but I find it unacceptable, what the consequences of that are.

"Some of our best ever shows have been in the US, but there's 80,000 people there and they've all been sitting in traffic jams for five or six hours with their engines running to get there, which is bollocks.

"It's all completely la-la. It's daft. When you discuss it you feel like a prat because you're saying I'm not happy with that and I want to do it another way. I want to go to the US by ship. The Cure did that years ago because Robert Smith refused to fly, and then I get told that if you take the ship, that's as much carbon usage."

He added: "Long haul flights just feel wrong. I'm trying to figure out a way of getting to Japan by train. I quite fancy that Trans-Siberian whatsitsname but apparently it's a bit scary."


Of course, it's arguable that if Thom decided not to take his tour to Japan, then Japanese would come to British dates - would the carbon savings of not shifting Thom's stuff to Tokyo be wiped out by kids coming in the opposite direction?

And, presumably, some tours are worse than others - U2's Zoo TV tour, for example, was effectively shunting large numbers of TVs around the world and then having them blare away for a few hours at a time while, say, an acoustic tour puts a slightly lower strain on the planet.

Liam Gallagher, of course, could have argued he was trying to save the planet by abandoning US tours - were it not for already having done the damage of going from one side to the other.

It would be interesting to see how rock gigs rank compared with other pastimes, though: surely a Radiohead tour can't be as bad for the environment as a season of formula one motor racing?

And if Thom is taken to the logical end of his conclusion, not only would touring be outlawed, but so too would electronic music of all sorts: all those computers, and tapes, and CDs. It would be lovely to think that we might edge closer to keeping our side of the Kyoto agreement simply by decommissioning Robbie Williams, but I suspect our problems run deeper than that.


Brotherobit: Robert Broudie

Sad news from Liverpool, where solicitor Robert Broudie has been found dead, after apparently falling from the top of the Anglican cathedral.

Police say there are no suspicious circumstances relating to the death of Robert, brother of Lightning Seed and producer Ian Broudie.

His business partner, Paul Thompson, said: "He was the most able, conscientious and committed lawyer I have ever known. "He had a national reputation for fighting fearlessly on behalf of all those he represented. "He had the respect of all who worked for him."


Just because an idea is poor doesn't mean it shouldn't be pursued to the fullest

Every time you think that perhaps the music industry has finally decided to quietly allow the idea of suing consumers to drop, it confounds you by showing that, no, it's going to push ahead, now adding Brazilians and Poles to the tiny fraction of a portion of a percentage of a sample of filesharers strong-armed by solicitors' letters.

The music world is puzzled that these actions don't seem to be educating filesharers out of their bad habits. Why won't they learn?

The wider world is equally puzzled that the failure of the profile-damaging and cash-sapping lawsuits at stopping the behaviour hasn't educated the record industry into abandoning the actions. Why won't they learn?


Let's make some plans

Plans and Apologies - Derby based indie guitar with extra legs - are looking for help to try and save a gig planned for Monday 23rd. But because plans can fall through, and so often they do, they've found themselves with neither promoter nor support band for The Grapes in Sheffield. If you can help out, the band ask you to get in touch through MySpace. Or rather their space.


Shambles pick up tour diary again

We're not sure how many, if any, of these dates will ever actually happen, but since Babyshambles has been good enough to rescedule - even adding extra dates - it would be churlish to not flag them up:

Newcastle Academy - December 4
Liverpool Academy 5
Bristol Academy 6
London Hammersmith Apollo 7
Lincoln Engine 8
Inverness Ironworks 9
Glasgow Academy 10
Middlesbrough Town Hall - 11
Manchester Academy 12
Nottingham Rock City 13


My Vitriol revived

My VitriolThey've been hibernating like so many hedgehogs since 2002, but who would have thought that we'd ever hear from them again?

My Vitriol are back and planning London and American gigs. London is Koko on November 24th; the US dates haven't been confirmed, although apparently tickets for these ghost gigs are changing hands for $80. A deal which is better for scalper than mark, we'd suggest.

FinelinesPlug: Refresh your memory with Finelines/Between The Lines


To the victor, the spoils

We don't know if the person who's going to win the X Factor have yet been told that they'll be coming out on top, but we'd imagine those struggling to win the teatime talent show will be taking a pause from being yelled at by Louis Walsh this morning to wonder if it's all worth it. Because what will victory bring?

Success on the level of Steve Brookstein, perhaps. We'll save you the trouble of googling him; he was the first winner of the X-Factor. Now, he's scraping 120 ticket sales in Worthing. Elsewhere on his tour, to be fair, he's managing to sell out venues by the good luck of only having the budget to hire out small places.

Brookstein, though, insists that he was made promises on ticketing which haven't been kept:

"I don't know what's going on but basically the tour is being really badly promoted. I am really disappointed. People, even my friends, aren't able to buy tickets, even when they are available. It's promotional incompetence and I'm getting shafted left, right and centre.

"Other gigs are doing much better though and the actual show is amazing which, as far as I'm concerned, is what it's all about.

"Worthing was disastrous but other venues, like Essex, have been fantastic and I've been getting great regional reviews. The show is absolutely wicked and I guarantee that the music I'm giving people is far, far better than anything been performed on the Saturday night X Factor shows."


Plus, we imagine he'll offer to reheel your shoes if you turn up.


Are you sleeping with that girl? Tell the truth

The tabloids have started to lose interest in the doings of the McCartneys and the Mills - presumably because the divorce has stopped being quite so publicly messy - and so it seems that Paul McCartney TM has had to find another way of discovering what Heather's up to.

He's taken to phoning up her personal trainer to ask if they're having sex or in love or anything. Ben Amigoni even got invited to Macca's house. It's not known if he was asked to wear co-respondent shoes.


Are you sleeping with that girl? Tell the truth

The tabloids have started to lose interest in the doings of the McCartneys and the Mills - presumably because the divorce has stopped being quite so publicly messy - and so it seems that Paul McCartney TM has had to find another way of finding out what Heather's up to.

He's taken to phoning up her personal trainer to ask if they're having sex or in love or anything. Ben Amigoni even got invited to Macca's house. It's not known if he was asked to wear co-respondent shoes.


All Saints quit battle; enter war by mistake

While we're wondering if there ever was any plan to really release All Saints' comeback album on the same day as Oasis put out their stocking filler, we're a little surprised that they've now decided to stick Studio 1 out on November 13th instead.

Being bested by Oasis and U2 is one thing - different markets, isn't it? - but electing to go head-to-head with the Sugababes' best-of collection is just walking into the guns. To be honest, they're also going to struggle being up against George Michael and Simon Webbe out of Blue. Perhaps they should think about January?


This is why they call it surveillance

It's usually irritating when gossip columns describe "someone phoning in having seen someone vaguelly famous going into a shop" as surveillance, as if it's information that has some intrinsic purpose. But hearing who was at The Fratellis gig at the weekend does actually fit the bill as a kind of grisly warning to steer clear of the band.

They attracted Peaches Geldof, Kate Lawler, Will Young and. of course, Victoria Newton. Sometimes it's handy to know whose shoulders you'll be rubbing.


Robbie Williams is not currently slagging off Oasis

When you read the headline on Victoria Newton's Bizarre column this morning, you might wonder if you've slipped through some sort of timewarp. Robbie Williams writing a song about Liam Gallagher - is this 2000 or something?

Erm, actually, it is, concedes Newton, someway into the report on the song Give Pies A Chance. She's merely unearthed a song recorded as a muck-about in the studio back when both Robbie and Oasis were still making music rather than pushing catalogue. So, not entirely the most piping hot of news, then. In fact, it even includes a jibe at Patsy Kensit:

The abuse includes taunts about the Gallaghers’ looks and career, dubbing them Monkey Boys with Monotone eyebrows. It goes on to claim they’re: “Unemployed since being here right now.”

On the delicate issue of Liam’s ex, PATSY KENSIT, Robbie adds: Your Mrs fancies me — bet she wishes she’d waited ’til I was shifting units.


Montone eyebrows? I wasn't aware we were supposed to have multicolour facial hair.

Coming tomorrow, only in The Sun: Robbie to leave Take That.


Monday, October 16, 2006

Genie in a bottle

If ever there was a warning to stop browsing through YouTube looking for porn, here it is. You might catch Christina Aguilera peeing in a bucket:

"I'm very comfortable with my naked body. There's probably even some video of me peeing."

Well, if you've ever used a restroom near Chuck Berry, almost certainly.

Apparently, the pissing in a bucket video would have been made when she was caught short during a costume change backstage at one of her gigs; Xtina suspects that someone may have taken the opportunity to catch a little footage. If not, it'll probably form the heart of her next promo clip.


Towers of London have a TV show to promote

Towers of London have a TV show to promote. Towers of London have a TV show to promote. Towers of London have a TV show to promote. Towers of London have a TV show to promote. Towers of London have a TV show to promote. Towers of London have a TV show to promote:

Towers of London have a TV show to promote. Towers of London have a TV show to promote. Towers of London have a TV show to promote.

Towers of London have a TV show to promote. Towers of London have a TV show to promote.


Q Awards catch the Arctic Monkey tails

Remember when it was Arctic Monkeys everywhere you looked? Now it's just starting to look a little bit silly, as more and more prize ceremonies come round and feel obliged to acknowledge that all the other prize ceremonies have given the band prizes, even although they've been around long enough now to have let everyone have a good hard look and realise "actually, they're alright, but... well, they're not that special, are they?"

It's a little bit like being the Princess Diana fountain for the Q Awards, then, catching a national mood long since evaporated and about which we're all slightly ashamed; coming up with a shortlist stuffed with monkey nominations just as the nation is starting to scratch its head and go "what was all that about anyway?"

The Q nominations in full are:

Best New Act:
Lily Allen
Corinne Bailey Rae
The Kooks
Arctic Monkeys
Orson

Best Track:
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
I Don't Feel Like Dancin' - Scissor Sisters
Never Be Lonely - The Feeling
I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor - The Arctic Monkeys

Best Live Act:
Oasis
Razorlight
Muse
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Arctic Monkeys

Best Album:
Black Holes and Revelations - Muse
Empire - Kasabian
Under The Iron Sea - Keane
Razorlight - Razorlight
Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys
Eyes Open - Snow Patrol

Best Video:
When You Were Young - The Killers
I Don't Feel Like Dancin' - the Scissor Sisters
Empire - Kasabian
Smiley Faces - Gnarls Barkley
Why Won't You Give Me Your Love? - The Zutons

Best Act In The World Today:
Muse
Coldplay
Oasis
U2
Red Hot Chili Peppers

Good lord, if I were the editor of Q I'd be suggesting we re-open nominations, as frankly that makes the magazine sound like it's produced in the back of Ken Bruce's head. Snow Patrol? U2? Orson? Orson? Oh bloody hell.

No wonder the magazine makes mention that the ceremony is "untelevised". In an age where the proliferation of music TV means it's impossible for Bagthorpe Sixth Form College to award the winners of its Battle of the Bands night without fielding two bids for live coverage, and with Q having its own network, the lack of TV coverage looks more like a bid to keep the horror out of sight.


Most adoptions start with a little light kidnapping

We first heard the news that David, the poor kid which has been selected as Madonna's post-tour project, had been lifted in an email from regular correspondent Karl T:

Funny that. I seem to recall there being a little bit more, well, process involved when my parents adopted my brother. Then again, he was from Long Eaton.

Sadly, Long Eaton babies aren't quite as photogenic.

It does, indeed, seem that David has left Malawi, although it's far from clear that he was supposed to have gone.

The human rights charities had postponed a legal challenge to the adoption while it "collected evidence." Meanwhile, the Malawian authorities are attempting to correct the impression that it rolled over and gave the rich woman whatever she asked for:

Penston Kilembe, director of child welfare in the ministry of gender, Child Welfare and Community Services, said Madonna and her husband had broken no laws.

"The process did not start today - Madonna's people have been pushing the papers for some time and her coming was just to sign the papers to conclude the process," he said.


Really? Malawian law appears to insist that adopters live in the country for 18 months, and while it's possible that Madonna has been sending people over for a year and a half, her tendency to attract attention to herself and the whole international tour thing makes it seem far from likely Madonna and Guy have been living in Malawi for that long quietly; the reports of Madonna's people driving round looking for children and the fact that David can't have been in the orphanage for more than two months suggests that there's not been any period of investigation to see how adopted parents and child get on.

And while Madonna may have had permission to take David away from his home, surely the responsible thing would have been to wait to see if the legal challenge failed? If you're that sure of the rightness of your actions, and that you will spend the next twenty years caring for the child, why not wait a few more days to convince the world?

A statement from Liz Rosenberg, Madonna's publicist in New York, said the child was issued a passport and a visa Monday.

"It is expected that the family will be reunited within the next few days," the statement said.

Rosenberg said Madonna and her husband, filmmaker Guy Ritchie, were granted interim adoption of the child, who was granted a visa that allows him to travel with them.

"This interim adoption grants David's new parents temporary custody for 18 months, during which time they will be evaluated by the courts of Malawi per the tribal customs of the country," she said in her statement said. "It is expected that the family will be reunited in the next few days."

The child was accompanied out of Malawi by one of the singer's bodyguards, a witness told Reuters news agency, and is believed to be en route to South Africa.


So Madonna couldn't even be bothered to wait to take what by now will likely be a confused and frightened kid on the longest trip of his short life, instead thrusting this supposed wanted child into the care of some paid retainer. Cynics might say that's starting as you mean to go on.

And what will happen in 18 months? Even if Malawian officials concede they've made a terrible mistake, it's going to be very, very hard to put it right - allowing a child from Malawi to Hampstead is one thing; letting him come to feel that Hampstead is his home and then returning him to a small African village quite another.

So, instead of waiting a few days to think seriously about the options, the Malawian authorities have collaborated in a grotesque fait accompli, in which nobody comes out well. Madonna looks desperate and grabby, treating a child like an eBay product, swooping in to ensure nobody else can get it. Malawi looks like a nation which is happy to collude in deals which treat its citizens as chattels. And David? He's probably just lucky he's too young to understand that what's best for him matters less than keeping some rich woman happy and providing a cutesy ending for a self-aggrandising film about how great she is.

If Madonna really cared about the kid, if she was interested in the person rather than the statement, why wasn't she prepared to invest the time in the adoption that the law demanded?


Flowers disapproves of Green Day

Who would have pegged Brandon Flowers as part of the Fox News demographic?

He's not happy with Green Day for American Idiot. He doesn't think it's "nice":

Flowers claimed he was "offended" by the song and he also had a go at Green Day for filming their 'Bullet In A Bible' DVD in England.

Flowers told The Word: "You have Green Day and 'American Idiot'. Where do they film their DVD? In England. A bunch of kids screaming 'I don't want to be an American idiot'. I saw it as a very negative thing towards Americans. It really lit a fire in me."

The singer continued: "You have the right to say what you want to say and what you want to write about, and I'm sure they meant it in the same way that Bruce Springsteen meant 'Born In The USA' and it was taken wrongly, but I was really offended when I saw them do that."


Um... Brandon, not only have you appeared to miss that American Idiot is a political song, however basic, and that there's something perhaps appropriate in getting British kids to sing it while our troops are off fighting a war ordained by an American president; not only do you actually appear to be part of the subliminal mindfuck America in the song, but the way the kids at the Milton Keynes bowl "took" the Green Day song is precisely the way you're meant to take Born In The USA? Don't you realise that - just as American Idiot was cast in the Iraq war - Bruce's song was built on disgust with the Vietnam war? Can you hear lyrics like Down in the shadow of the penitentiary/ Out by the gas fires of the refinery/ I'm ten years down the road/ Nowhere to run, ain't got nowhere to go" and think "that's a nice positive song about the US"?

Brandon, though, has got an album which he believes might be a corrective - presumably he wants it to be like Shiny Happy People:

"People need to see that, really, there are the nicest people in the world here! I don't know if our album makes you realise that. But I hope it's from a more positive place."

Brandon, while he objects to British youngsters singing along with a critique of US foreign policy, had no problems pretending to be the mother of a murdered British child. That, we guess, is his idea of a more positive place.


McCartney (TM)

Jim McCabe hits us with an email, which is always a delight. He brings to our attentions plans by Paul McCartney to trademark his name. And not just as a provider of anecdotes about the 1960s and supplier of songs about frogs:

The application was made by McCartney's company, MPL Communications, and if successful will give him the exclusive right to use the name McCartney on clothing, footwear and headgear. It specifies such disparate items as bath robes, articles of fancy dress, overalls, sports clothing and swimwear. But the scope of the application means that the vegetarian musician would also have the right to lend his name to products he is thought to loathe, such as meat and poultry.

A spokesman for McCartney said the inclusion of meat products was purely defensive. "It would give him protection against his name being used on products he does not approve of," he said.


Mind you, Linda would probably have been aghast at the McCartney "brand" being adopted by Heather Mills, as well. That could, of course, be what all this is about - maybe he's afraid Heather was planning her revenge by launching a load of McCartney Brand topless bikini items.

Jim observes that "the phrase, "Macca's Meat Pies" has a certain "something"?", which is true. And we can picture a small logo underwriting the quality: "You can tell it's good, if it's got my thumbs aloft."


Moral equivalence: A first lesson

Cheryl Tweedy has defended what we believe is called her "party hard lifestyle" by reference to the behaviour of another pop star:

"If any of us go out and get a bit tiddly, it doesn't matter because whatever we do, Pete Doherty's done far worse. And taken the spotlight off us for bad behaviour."

This is like a priest caught with his hand in the collection plate suggesting it doesn't matter, because "at least I'm no Reverend Jim Jones." If the best person Cheryl can think of call on misbehaviour worse than Girls Aloud is Pete Doherty, it's pretty much admitting you've slipped the leash of proper behaviour altogether.

Mind you, we're not entirely sure Pete is worse than Tweedy. Tweedy's got so drunk she's assaulted a person; Doherty hasn't yet attacked anyone so badly as to end up in court for it. We wonder if, when he's on the phone to Kate Moss, he ever sobs "... but at least I'm no Cheryl Tweedy, eh?"


Pop stars locked up for swearing

Yes, it's hard to believe - singers dragged away by the cops because they said "fuck". They'll be doing them for drugs and whatnot next, at this rate.

It's doubly unfair, because when Francine and Nicola Gleadall swore at fans during a live performance at half time during the Sheffield Wednesday - Barnsley match, they were only giving as good as they got.

It seems that "spectators complained" and so the girls were arrested, and given a £60 fine. Spectators complained? Really? Who on earth would be shocked to hear someone say fuck in a football ground? And were these outraged spectators any more or less shocked by the abuse that Barnsley fans had been throwing at two teenage girls?

It's of no consequence that Francine and Nicola's largest public performance hitherto was as shepherds.


Madonna's baby blues

Madonna's attempt to add an African baby to her collection (project codenamed "In your face, Michael Jackson") has run into more grief. Not only have some of David's family spoken to the BBC saying how they want to be sure they can continue to see their relative, but now it seems David;s father didn't realise he was handing his baby over for good:

"I had taken David to the orphanage because my wife had died and he was sick and we could not care for him.

"My other two sons had passed away from malaria while they were still young.

"When David became sick, I didn't know how to cope.

"I' have no experience of these things. My in-laws did not want him and my extended family are too poor to take him in.

"I was scared he would die like my other children so I took him where he could be looked after.

"I felt very sore in my heart but I could think of no other way.

"He was one month and seven days old. The orphanage made me sign a letter to show I was handing him over to their charge.

"I suppose deep in my heart I always imagined that when he was better, or I had another wife, I would go and take him back. I did not think anyone would want to take him away for good."


To make matters worse, it seems people haven't been straight with him about who is exactly adopting the child:

"I was told she was a good Christian lady who does a lot of charity work and supported the orphanage."

They didn't mention that actually she was a member of a cult who was such a good Christian she managed to piss off the Vatican and the entire Russian Orthodox Church?

Still, at least you had time to think things through, properly, didn't you, Yohane?

"It has all been very crazy. Everything has happened so fast. I can't believe what is happening."

Of course... the whole waiving of the usual rules sped up the process to something like 100 times faster than normal.

It's interesting that someone's finally managed to think of asking the "orphan's" father if he's happy about the adoption. It might have stopped The Observer's Carol Sarler from making herself look quite so awful yesterday if she'd thought to do the same.

Why vilify Madonna's generosity? wailed Carol, confusing "generosity" with whatever it is Madonna thinks she's doing.

Sarler starts out by using the orphans of the Romanian revolution as an example of what international adoption really means, thereby inadvertently proving the point a worried mother made on Channel 4 News at the weekend: Madonna's grubby child grab is going to make all cross-border adoption seem seedy. Romania had been a country full of children with nobody, without the means to care for them, living in terrible conditions. It's not quite the same case as here, where the child has family who can't quite cope, who had only put the child into care as a way of finding breathing space.

No sooner did we learn of her plans to adopt an African child than the bitching began - just as it did with fellow adopters Mia Farrow, Angelina Jolie and Meg Ryan before her. Even Jon Snow, who should know better, inquired whether this is a 'fashion', as if the labour involved in nurturing babies is akin to that of carrying a new handbag, and the consensus, from right and left, is that there is something sinister in Madonna's decision.

But surely, with Jolie, Ryan and Ciccone queueing up at developing world departure gates with a charming carved giraffe under one arm and a mewling bundle of local child under the other, asking if there's a fashion impulse to all this adoption is precisely the right question? It's not as if asking a question suggests the answer, nor if Snow had come up with the idea himself. He was reflecting a question that a lot of people are asking. Which is sort of the point of his job, isn't it, Carol?

The willies from the right, as vigorous now as when Virginia Bottomley helped to staunch the flow of Romanian orphans in the mid-1990s, appear to stem from a suspicion that this is just another route for foreigners to 'flood' into the country and be a 'drain' on resources; too monstrous to address, save perhaps to point out that the kind of parents who pursue these adoptions are precisely the kind of parents who will produce the most efficacious taxpayers of the future.

We might not read the thoughts of the right-wing as closely as Sarler, but this seems to be an unfair vilification - the sort of thing you might say they'd think if you were going for a lazy caricature. If there are any rightwards leaning commentators of any credibility who really believe there are hundreds of would-be immigrants preparing to disguise themselves as orphans to be smuggled past customs under Madonna's bustle, they must have the good sense to keep quiet. Likewise, even the most rabid of BNP supporters would find it hard to argue that Madonna's just after the tax credits and the baby bonds.

The liberal left is at least as shocking. Pundit after pundit drones on about the perils of 'snatching' children from their 'culture'.

Nice work, Carol - the liberals are "droning", are they? And African people don't have culture, you'll note - they only have something that requires speech marks.

To that I say, go and stand in the poorest orphanages of the world's most dispossessed; look, sniff, smell and don't - don't you dare - tell me that, in such a context, the word 'culture' is other than an obscenity. Any identity problems the child might develop are risibly slight beside the certain problems that would otherwise have been their lot.

Well, perhaps. But are you saying this orphanage was like that, Carol? Or are you just assuming because it's in Africa it has to be? Nobody would pretend that the place is Hampstead, but to just dismiss someone's home because it's not as nice as yours is a little sweeping, don't you think?

Yeah but, no but, continue the pundits:

Do you see? Like Vicky Pollard! Off the television. Ho-ho. They're not just droning, these liberals, but they're inarticulate too.

the money would be better spent in donations to the child's place of birth. To that I say, whoever suggested this as an either/or? In fact, Madonna - like many inter-country adopters - has also donated lavishly to baby David's community. Yet she knows, as we know, that sometimes no amount of financial support will persuade a local family to rescue a child from an orphanage (think, for instance, of baby girls in China); furthermore, by the time the money has filtered down, it might help another David, another decade. But not this one.

Two things here - the money that Madonna is giving to this orphanage seems to be part of the quid pro quo for the fast-track adoption; secondly, Sarler clearly has no idea how economies outside of her own work. Putting money into a small village has an almost instantaneous effect; it's not like in the UK, where the payment would kick-start a process of planning, procurement, trusteeships being established and blueprints drawn up. In poor places, money tends to get spent quite quickly. For example, for the cost of the five thousand pound rocking horse Madonna has bought for David according to this morning's Sun, she could have paid the wages of two nurses for the village.

It might not have given David a showy toy, but it could have helped save lots of children.

I hold no particular brief for Madonna, her music or her faith. As a mother, however, based on what we know, she is diligent, hot on proper food and the banning of, say, improper TV, and I have no reason to suppose that her motives for this adoption are different from my friend's on the plane from Bucharest. The only difference is that Madonna's fame, as with that of Misses Farrow, Jolie and Ryan, has made her an easier target for the snipers, even though it is also the means by which she can afford to do it in the first place...

Well, it is only her money which has meant she's so far been able to ignore all the rules and laws which are in place to protect children from spur-of-the-moment adoptions and precisely the sort of situation we seem to be in now, where a child has been promised the world and might not get it. And, of course, there's all the world of difference between adopting a baby which has no choice, no family, no future and one which seems to have a family who hoped to welcome him back when they were able.

There's the other important difference that your "friend" who adopted from Bucharest probably couldn't have rustled up a million or two by selling one of her London homes ; offering a home to a single child probably meant as much sacrifice as she had to give. Madonna, on the other hand... well, Madonna does have a London house to spare, if she was serious about making a difference.

and - precisely because the cameras will continue to monitor her and her family - the means through which she might even be able to help to keep the scandal of the needs of Africa in the public eye.

Yes, I must admit I hadn't heard of this Affycar until Madonna went there.

Incidently, does anyone else find the provision of an expensive rocking horse reminds them of the first episode of Diffrent Strokes?


Busy doing nothing, Beckham the whole day through

We feel terrible this morning. We've always enjoyed making sport of Victoria Beckham, but, until the publication of her new book, we had no idea just how tough she had it:

Posh, 32, admits she gets “massively stressed as a mum” and adds: “You often feel you have no time to yourself.”

It's true. By the time you've briefed the nanny, booked David a tattooist to ink the kid's names onto his back, and checked the nanny's phone to see if there are any saucy texts to or from your husband, there's barely time to do... whatever else it is Victoria might do with her day.

“Being a mother’s taught me not to waste time faffing about in the closet every morning. You learn how to get things done quicker, and often you do them just as well.”

Yes, sometimes Victoria has no choice but to brief the staff before her first outfit change of the day. Sometimes, if she has to tell the gardener what to do in the same shoes she was wearing to talk lunch with the housekeeper, well, so be it.

But how can Victoria claim back these precious moments? Multitasking, of course:

“Nowadays, I multitask, planning outfits while I’m doing something else — getting ready for bed or taking a bath."

See, ladies? You don't have to think about what you're going to slip into stood in front of the wardrobes; you can do so while you're doing the other essentials of the day.

You'll note, too, this insight into just how busy Posh is - she has to get up every day, she often bathes and sometimes gets ready for bed, itself an onerous task.

But there's more. Think about your outfit:

“Even though I love getting dressed up, there’s always the risk of baby sick down my front. That’s why I live in jeans and T-shirts.”

It's true. Even when the nanny is holding the baby on the other side of the room, those little tykes can projectile vomit. The solution? No ballgowns or Chanel dresses during the day, ladies. And only the most modest of tiaras.

One final piece of fashion advice from Victoria. Beware of miniskirts:

“I’ve seen people getting out of cars with no knickers on!”

To be fair, though, Geri had put a duster round down there before she'd left the house.


Sunday, October 15, 2006

Tejanobit: Freddy Fender

The country singer and Grammy winner Freddy Fender has been announced.

Born Baldemar Huerta, Fender left school at sixteen and became a marine, completing a three year tour of duty in 1953. Returning to Texas, he started a career as a jobbing musician, playing largely to a Latino audience and eventually recording Spanish language covers of Elvis Presley for sale south of the border.

The name change came in 1959, as he started to record in English - Fender, of course, after his guitar. A hit with Wasted Days and Wasted Nights seemed to be a breakthrough, but a drugs charge saw him thrown into a Louisiana jail. The governor who saw him released after two years of a sentence (for possession of a small amount cannabis) asked him to stay away from music while on probation, a promise that Fender kept. He returned to Texas, and found work as a mechanic.

His return to recording came in 1974, with the song that would be his trademark - Before The Next Teardrop Falls. Secret Love and You'll Lose A Good Thing followed, and Fender started to cross from the country to the pop charts.

With Doug Sahm, Flaco Jimenez and Augie Myers, Fender formed a "Tex Mex supergroup", the Texas Tornados; it was with this group that he would win a Grammy in 1990 for Best Mexican American Performance; the band effectively disbanded after Sahm's death in 1999.

Fender had his last years plagued with health problems - hepatitis C, a liver transplant (donated by his daughter) and, eventually, the cancer which would claim his life. He was 69.


Janie Jones claims Joe's in her head

There's nothing in any way tacky or dispiriting about the claims Janie Jones makes about Joe Strummer. Apparently, he visits her with advice:

"When I heard about Joe's death I cried my eyes out. He was still a young man," Janie said. "His spirit now comes to me.

"I was asked to do a film project and I couldn't make up my mind.

"As I sat looking in my mirror, Joe came to me and said, 'You're not doing it for them - but do it for me'.

"I didn't know what to wear for the event so Joe told me to put on a Clash sweatshirt he'd given me. He said, 'It's on top of your cupboard' and he was right.

"Every now and again I feel he sends me a message. Mick Jones told me, 'I feel he comes to me too'."


It's not recorded if Joe gives Mick advice on clothing, although he's apparently being lined up to replace Lisa Butcher on What Not To Wear. BBC insiders say that although he's not quite as corporeal as Lisa, he still has more screen presence.


James Morrison's Dad emerges

We're a little lost as to why the Sunday People has chosen to shove a few quid into the hands of James Morrison's Dad for his tale and then headline it:

EXCLUSIVE: DRUGS AND BOOZE NIGHTMARE OF MY POP SON JAMES

... because the nightmare is the father's, rather than James. Unless it's a subtle suggestion that the sins of the father will be visited on the children.

He said: "Every time we do my chest swells with pride. I remember the first time I ever really noticed what an amazing voice he must have been about 13.

"I was in my bathroom when suddenly I heard him singing and playing some Crowded House song on my old guitar."


Blimey. If anything was enough to send you for the booze, discovering your son taking up Crowded House songs is going to be it. Imagine the shame.

The story does have a sort-of happy ending: James, and his dad Paul, are in touch every week; Paul's very proud and believes his life, if nothing else, will serve as a warning from family history for James. The only downside is we all now have to hear the boy singing his Crowded House-lite.


Bye bye Shambles?

According to this weekend's Sunday Mirror, Rough Trade are keen to throw their office doors open once more to Pete Doherty - providing he doesn't bring the rest of Babyshambles with him.

No Babyshambles? Pete without the blokes behind him would be like, say, roast turkey without custard or Magnus Magnusson without a sock puppet, surely?

Apparently, tied in with this rumour is another, that Pete and Kate - who have now been rumoured to have been getting married so often we think that Kate is, legally, Pete's wife through repetition - will be having a romantic Christmas wedding. Almost certainly. Unless they do one in Ireland, or the Caribbean, or at Valentine's Day, or on Halloween.


When Madonna makes your life "better"

Last week, he was a kid whose Dad had been unable to support him, so was living with other children in a stretched, but warm, children's home.

Then Madonna wafted in to change his life.

And how it's changed. Now, David is living in hiding in case he gets kidnapped by bandits.

Imagine that - someone obsessed with money just sweeping in and taking him away from the people who love him. Twice.


This week just gone

Some call it No Rock, and this was the week:

Ten most-ordered individual pages:

1. KT Tunstall wears rainbow braces... does that mean something?
2. Purplemelon want Heather Mills nude
3. ... but calendar makers get there first
4. McFly remove their boxers
5. Heather Mills old porn pics
6. Robbie Williams has sex with lady, claims lady
7. Madonna buys African baby
8. Justin Timberlake quits music
9. Lily Allen gets naked on the way to France
10. Yo La Tengo announce tour dates

Good lord, that one at number ten is probably more typical of No Rock than the rest of the chart put together. How did that get in?

You can read the whole week on one page, or
browse the week before in a single post.

The big event this week - although 'big' is pushing it - was the live music awards, or possibly the Malawian adoption charity objecting to authorities rolling over and replacing the usual two-year residency rule with an "or a couple of days if you're Madonna" rider.

Looking for a gift for to say "congratulations on a successful nuclear test"? Look no further:


He used to want to plant bombs at the Last Night of the Proms/ but now, you'll find him, in the Tescos, with a box set/ mopping up half his career...



Canadian folk playing Canadian folk



After Galaxie 500, there was Luna, and this was them



John Peel's memory seems to have become the 'Shine' compilation brand for the 21st century



Bunnymen go live in Shepherds Bush - only it's from 2005 and not 1986



30 years of misery: Lou Reed's Coney Island Baby hits another decade



Electric Six - like the Scissor Sisters without the one joke - are still going...