Jo's sorry now

Of course, the people showering Jo O'Meara with death threats are as bad as she is, but that doesn't make her right. Having had some time to think about things, she's finally got round to saying a sort of 'sorry' via a statement issued through her tour manager, but it's more "sorry for myself" than sorry for what she is:

"I have been asked why I did Big Brother. It was simply because I needed the money," she said.

"I did have a successful singing career in S Club but that was several years ago. I may lose my house and the fee offered was a lifeline which I took."

Well, Jo, nobody thought you were doing it because you fancied three weeks sharing a shower with Leo Sayer.

"I felt like the rabbit in the headlights with nowhere to hide and no-one to talk to," she said.

"I am totally shattered and after the death threats am scared to go home.

"Am I the first person in the world to make a mistake or say regrettable things?

"I am devastated, sorry and honestly have no idea what to do next,"

Well, no, Jo, you're not the first person to say regrettable things. Maybe, though, if you'd found space in your statement to explore what you said - or maybe if you'd not given an interview a week ago saying that Indians should take your idiotic burblings as "a compliment".

Jo, of course, blames the producers:

"I think that as a group we would all have coped better if some of the surprise stunts hadn't been pulled by Big Brother.

"Jade and her family entering the house late and the introduction of a slave/master culture is bizarre by anyone's standards and automatically creates tension and a divide.

"I may have made some mistakes but I have apologised for them and, in the context of the three weeks of Big Brother, I honestly believe that I was not a horrible person every day throughout the series."

No. Not every day. But we do like the idea that it was all Endemol's fault for creating a vacuum into which Jo's caustic personality leaked out. The school bullies should remember that one for when they're up in front of the head next - "I did tie him to a drainpipe and set fire to the bin I'd stood him in, but it was because the teachers hadn't set enough quadratic equations to keep me busy..."

Shilpa Shetty has used her post-CBB interviews to simultaneously absolve Jo from charges of racism while twisting the knife in a polite way:

Shetty insisted Goody"never thought before she spoke" and pop star Jo O'Meara had"personality issues".

Channel 4, meanwhile, have been denying the existence of footage of unnamed housemates singing racist songs.

And as if to prove that you should be careful what you wish for, the news pages at JoMeara.org (missing an 'o', surely?) make for interesting reading.

On January 9th, they posted this:

I'm sure some of you have noticed the lack of Jo footage we seem to be getting from BB recently, which to be honest isn't good enough. Since 'The Goodys' have moved in, the show seems to be focusing on certain housemates much more than others, especially our Jo who seems to be suffering the most when it comes to air time. [...] So we urge all the fans out there to get e-mailing various Big Bother addresses to say how we feel, however we need support in this as it will probably take a lot of seperate emails to get our point across and get something done about it. I know we can do it as we have succeeded before we just need to pull together as a community. We certainly do not want a repeat of tonight's highlights show where we saw a grand total of about 30 seconds of Jo, and then nearly a whole hour focusing mainly on Leo and Jacquie and their temper tantrums. There was so many 'Jo' moments from yesterday which could of been aired today. From tears to late night laughter to piggyback rides in the garden! All of which included Jo and none of which was aired on the hour show. There are several addresses below you can try e-mailing and It also might be an idea to e-mail radio stations as they seem to cover BB alot and read out viewers comments, especially Heart Radio.

Well, Channel 4 certainly did get round to finding space for Jo in the highlights show...

Black Lips slink ships

They've been compared (alright, by themselves) to The Seeds and the
13th Floor Elevators; they set up the label which brought you The
Dirtbombs and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs... and now Black Lips are coming to
Britain.

Their first proper UK single release is due March 5th - Not A Problem
and Dirty Hands; dates in support are:

3rd March London Scala
4th London Coronet Underage Club
7th London Old Blue Last

They're in Paris the night before (2nd March), if any of our readers
are in France.

Twelve years on

It's twelve years to the day since Richey Edwards disappeared.

It's five years to the day since his family could have chosen to have declared officially dead. They've elected not to, of course, keeping their options open and their hope alive.

It still all seems like a terrible waste.

Laether Strip seeks help

This is the sort of offer you don't get every day: Claus from Laether Strip is offering you - yes, you - the chance to co-write a song, after he had the idea in a dream:

I had a dream the other night. I had an idea for a new "free" song. The way I want to do it this time is to involve you guys in the process. I want anyone who feels like it to write the lyric / words for the song. You got 100% artistic freedom and I wont change a word in the lyric I choose. There wont be any money crap involved at all, so after I write the song for your words, it will be the next "free song" for all the friends. I will read every single word you write and I won't make any music before the text is chosen, so the words will be the main thing I will build the song around. And not the other way around. I hope you like the idea and agree to the conditions.

No money involved for me or you. The price is "something" to tell your grandkids about. "Listen Wilma and Brutus, I wrote the words for this song, the guy trying to sing is some fat old guy from Denmark". And what do I get out of it, well it's a chance for me to work with the people who actually listen to my work, and I know that all the contributions will inspire my ass off. I also get a chance to enter your sick minds and learn all your secrets. That's always entertaining.

Anyway I thought it could be fun for all. So get writing, You got one month from today to mail in the stuff at claus.leaetherstrip@gmail.com .
Hope you like the idea.

His other idea he had while dreaming, of taking a GCSE exam stark naked, got him sixty hours community service and a ban from educational establishments nationwide.

Radio audiences: Nothing to see here

Although the team at the MediaGuardian have done their best to make the latest RAJAR audience figures sound exciting, but, aside from Jamie Theakston overtaking Johnny Vaughan in London, it's all one tenth of one percent down and one tenth of one percent up. Some stations have dropped a little over the quarter, but picked it up over the year.

Radio 4 switched off at the last moment

As Radio 4 were about to put their equipment out on the stage of the Brooklyn Northsix last night, an act of god intervened: the electricity was cut off.

The venue had been due to close forever after the gig, but the local electricity company jumped the gun:

"We were really looking forward to the show," [said Dave Milone] "People had been talking about it for the past month or so. We must have ran over a bird on the road the last time we went on tour because our karma hasn't been good lately!"

Either that, or the electricity company didn't like their chances of getting paid. We suspect the latter.

Noon update: it's a bit of a bodge

Well, if the ticket allocation process runs as smoothly as the registration process, it's going to be a hell of a computer meltdown when the things go on sale.

The glastonburyregistration.co.uk address (given out on the BBC News website this morning and still being quoted on the official Glastonbury site) is currently displaying the following:

Registration for this year's Glastonbury Festival will start from 8am 1st February.

Note, this service will be open from 1st to 28th February, 24 hours a day, so take your time. There is no advantage to registering early or late.

For further information please visit the official web site at glastonburyfestivals.co.uk.

return to seetickets.com

However, the glastonburyregistration.com address is actually working at the moment. There's absolutely no information at all about privacy on the page - no indication of who will be holding the information you provide, no link to confirm the claims that data will be destroyed or an explanation of when this will happen. If you spend some time poking around, you can find a page three clicks from the form with a brief pledge from Michael Eavis:

"I assure you that your details will not be used for any other purpose"

and a stab at trying to be reassuring:

No information collected by registration will be offered for sale or use by any third party organisation. Unsuccessful ticket applicants will have their data destroyed and all ticket holders’ registration details and photos will be destroyed within one month of the event.

But surely SeeTickets are a third party organisation? And if they're not, then doesn't this mean they have the right reserved to use the data? And shouldn't this be clearly linked to from the page where the data is being collected, if not actually on that page?

So, what are they after? The picture stipulations are somewhat taxing - think you can upload any old jpg which shows your face? Think again:

Your Photograph
What kind of photos are acceptable?

* Head and shoulders photo, must be recent, clear, in sharp focus, with your entire face visible
* Please ensure you have a neutral expression with your mouth closed and eyes open, looking directly at the camera
* Please do not wear hats or anything that covers your face and be free of glare from glasses etc
* Must be taken against a plain and light background
* Please ensure your photo is correct, as you will not be able to modify it once registered
* Image file must be less than 400kb in size and in JPEG format.
* Your image will be resized to the correct dimensions automatically, however you must crop it yourself.
* Any applications that do not include a suitable photo will not be accepted

Remember, this is to go to a pop concert wearing a juggler's hat and to stand in a muddy puddle watching the Arctic Monkeys. If they carry on escalating their sense of self-importance, you're going to need to apply for a Visa to get in to the fields by 2011.

When we did the *am update, we were rushing off to have a shower and so on, so it was only later that we realised the majesty of this piece of advice:

If you're struggling to get access, it might be best to try in a couple of days, or at a non-peak time such as during the working day, early in the morning or late at night.

So, non-peak times are during the day, early in the morning and late at night, then? Which leaves... when, precisely?

Hugh Hefner lied

Hugh told Kelly Osbourne she wouldn't appear in Playboy because "we don't airbrush that much".

However, Mariah Carey is going to appear on the cover, so presumably they must.

Disappointingly, Carey appears in the magazine wearing a swimsuit. The disappointment being, of course, that she's not wearing a boiler suit and a balaclava.

8.00am update: Glasto registration falls over

Well, the please don't swamp us plea didn't work - if you went to Glastonbury Registration at 8am, you were more than likely to get a redirect to, erm, SeeTickets front page. There was a page which explained what was happening:

Service Busy

We're sorry, but in order to provide a fast and efficient service, we have limited the number of simultaneous users of our registration system.

At the moment, we are very busy. Please note that registration is not first come first served. You can register at any point between 1st February and 28th Februrary. Everyone will have an equal chance of getting a ticket when they go on sale.

If you're struggling to get access, it might be best to try in a couple of days, or at a non-peak time such as during the working day, early in the morning or late at night.

Alternatively, you can try again at www.glastonburyregistration.co.uk.

... but shouldn't that have been the page the redirect went straight to, rather than the ticket agency homepage?

What cocaine does to your memory

In the space of one OK column, Kerry Katona manages to contradict herself something awful. First, she talks about being fined for using a mobile phone while driving:

"I was only calling Mark to see if he wanted anything from the chippy so it was a stupid move.

"I've got no one else to blame but I've learned me lesson - and got a £30 fine."

Thirty quid is a lot of Iceland Mini Sausage Rolls. But hang on, when she dealing with claims she's been texting ex-husband Brian McFadden:

"I don't even own a mobile at the moment, so how could I?"

Surely that would have been a cast-iron defence when the police stopped her using a mobile while driving?

Of course, this is a little like the time when Max Clifford stood up and told the press Kerry had never used drugs, ever shortly before Kerry told the press how she'd done a lot of cocaine after McFadden left her.

Kelly Jones leak news leaks out

Judging by the way he tells the story, when Kelly Jones was caught pissing in the streets of Camden, he was lucky to get away with an eighty quid fine:

“I said to the copper, ‘You telling me you never had a piss in the street?’ He said that the people of Camden wouldn’t appreciate me urinating on their streets. I said, ‘I know that. That’s why I live in Fulham.’ He said, ‘I’m taking you in.’ ”

“I said to the copper he should have a day off. He said, ‘You just had a haircut? I can see the hair on your face.

“I’m like, ‘Hey man, you’d make a great detective, no flies on you.’ ”

Goodness, young man, what a great wit you are. If only the Drones Club was a going concern; you'd fit right in.

"Please don't knock our system over" begs Glastonbury

The third-party agency dealing with Glastonbury tickets, Lloyd Webber's SeeTickets, has launched the site designed to allow people to provide papers - sorry, preregister for the festival.

And is it a robust system? Well, we'll find out when GlastonburyRegistration.co.uk goes live at 8am this morning, but you get the sense they might be a little nervous about their chances:

Note, this service will be open from 1st to 28th February, 24 hours a day, so take your time. There is no advantage to registering early or late.

Please, form an orderly line... no need to push... one at time, citizens, one at a time...

Here we go, Hatherley, happily

Charlotte Hatherley - and we should point out that what we have built in the corner to her is an altar, not a full-blown temple, actually - is off out on tour to promote her single and album (I Want You To Know, February 26th and The Deep Blue, March 5th respectively). You can see her doing her thing here:

27th February - Glasgow Oran Mor
28th - Liverpool Academy
1st March - Leeds Cockpit
3rd - Birmingham Academy 2
4th - Portsmouth Wedgewood Rooms
5th - Oxford Zodiac
6th - Islington Academy

From LDN to USA

It's funny, isn't it? Despite supposedly being "the first natural born digital superstar", Keith Allen's daughter seems strangely reluctant to rely on MySpace to build her profile in the US.

Indeed, with appearances on Conan, Saturday Night Live and topping up an MTV-sponsored tour, it's almost as if she's relying on old media to do the trick. Funny that, isn't it?

Green plant

Headliners have been announced for the 2007 Green Man Festival, in the form of Robert Plant and Joanna Newsom. It's being touted as Newsom's only UK festival date of 2007, although that's only if you don't count All Tomorrows Parties because its indoors.

The Green Man remains just shy of £100 for three days; you'll find it in the Brecon Beacons.

Buble slams Grammys, tries desperately to take it back

"No, no, I was joking... honest..." - the desperate cry of people trying to put right what they've just got very wrong. Latest desperately hoping his mouth hasn't got him into trouble is Michael Buble.

He was asked about his grammy nomination, and his response? Less than gracious:

The Vancouver-based singer said in an interview with the Canadian Press on Tuesday "it's absolute crap" that his category is not part of the televised ceremony on Feb. 11.

Nominated for an award for best traditional vocal pop album, he had said he would rather stay in Vancouver and watch the Canucks play than attend the ceremony.

Not a good idea, of course, to slag off the academy while it's still voting. Now Buble - or, at least, his label - have issued an apology:

"I'm extremely honoured to have been nominated for a Grammy in the best traditional [pop] category.

"I did indeed make my feelings known that the category should be broadcast live during the award ceremony. This category honours the interpreters of some of the greatest songs ever written. There are millions of people like me who love and respect this music."

"I jokingly said that Tony Bennett is going to win anyway so why should I go? This is not sour grapes. I worship, love and respect Tony Bennett. He is my idol. I voted for him and he deserves to win.

"I mean no offence to the Grammy Awards, the Grammy nominees or the NARAS (National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences) organization."

Please, please don't be mean to me. Please.

How longs a tear take to dry

Of course, it's tremendously unfashionable to admit it, but The Beautiful South were quite a brilliant thing when they were on form. And, yes, sadly the "were" is correct, as they've called it a day after nineteen years.

It's unclear if they're ending it now to avoid the 20th anniversary celebration horrors, or if it's got more to do with their last single, The Rose of My Cologne stalling at a not-encouraging number 99.

There is, of course, a statement:

In a two-line statement, the Hull-based band [...] attributed their break-up to "musical similarities".

"The band would like to thank everyone for their 19 wonderful years in music," the statement said.

Hats off to BBC News online for rewriting, rather than quoting verbatim, the whole two lines.

Let us take this moment to remember the greatest contribution the South made to British cultural life: the moment during Christmas 1996 when numerous households put on their brand-new copies of Blue Is The Colour and turned pale as they realised that nice single Don't Marry Her, Take Me wasn't quite so nice in its album version.

Popobit: Jamie Coe

The death of Jamie Coe has been announced.

Coe was born George Colovas, and got a leg-up in the music industry when Bobby Darin spotted him playing as part of a Cavalcade of Stars show at the 1959 Michigan State Fair. Pausing only to briefly rename him - taking Jamie from one of his own songs - Darin rushed Coe off to New York and his first recording session.

Although achieving some national success - The Fool, How Low Is Low and Greenback Dollar all sold well - it was in Detroit where Coe was at his best; first fronting Jamie Coe and The Gigalos during the early 60s, and then later as manager and proprietor of Jamie's nightclub. Indeed, it was while driving back from the club which bore his name that Coe suffered his fatal heart attack.

The 71 year-old will have a private funeral, but there are plans for a public memorial service at a later date.

Former Detroit radio dj Lee Allen suggests the memorial service will be popular:

"Jamie Coe and the Gigalos were really the 'in' group, the entertainment group to see, at the old Gay Haven. He was as nice as he was talented, and he had a million friends."

Misery perpetuates misery

You can understand - almost - Olivier Martinez being a bit worried about not wanting to be seen dumping "braveKylie", although if he's really afraid about the effect of him saying "it's over", does that make his apparent strategy of trying to generate tabloid coverage suggesting he's hopping away all over the place with all and sundry in a bid to get dumped really a much more holistic approach?

Dumping your lover by text message seemed to be the lowest thing you could do, but hoping to engineer your lover into dumping you via tabloid reports would surely by lower - dumping by ambient advertising, almost.

In fact, it's likely that Ollie will try that next, paying people to sit behind Kylie on the bus whispering just-loud-enough-to-be-heard about how terrible that French bloke is.

For her part, Kylie appears not to be biting. At least, that's what this totally unnamed and unverifiable "insider" reckons:

The insider added, "She can't bear the thought of breaking up with Ollie. She has been as unswerving and driven about their relationship as she has about her career - failure is not an option. She was planning the wedding dress before he even proposed. She wants the family, but the clock is ticking. She cannot cope with the idea of starting all over again."

If I was George Constanza - and there are some mornings, believe me, when I have to remind myself I'm not - we'd be advising Ollie to try to end it by drafting in Dannii. ('I don't know the exact pronunciation, but I believe it's "menage a trois"...')

Eagles to soar again

From global warming to hell freezing over: Don Henley has let slip that there's going to be a new Eagles album is nearly ready.

It's not the first announcement of a new album - indeed, it's almost a year since Henley started to talk up the Long Road To Eden. This would be their first studio collection since 1979, when they decided they hated each other and Don Henley and Glen Frey decided knocking out lame solo efforts would be a less stessful way of raising the money to have the aluminium siding kept up to date on their respective houses.

The Long Road To Eden is meant to sound a little like the other Eagles albums, although obviously not as good.

Is everybody in? The rise in sea levels is about to begin

Naturally, only a complete curmudgeon would object to any attempt to persuade us to cut our use of greenhouse gases, so the launch of Global Cool is probably a good thing - and, hey, if takes Josh Hartnett flying in from Hollywood on a jet to persuade people to remember to switch off their bedside light before falling asleep, who are we to argue with their priorities?

Indeed, by our calculations, the extra carbon dioxide emitted during the glittering launch for the campaign could be offset simply by all of us in the UK switching off our kettles for the next seven weeks - and that's got to be worth it, right?

What does puzzle us, though, is that the campaign is being built around a poem - written by Jim Morrison and set to music by Perry Farrell. If I were looking for someone to be at the centre of a campaign asking people to avoid excess and waste, and take care of themselves and all they hold dear for the future, a dead junkie wouldn't have been my first choice.

KT Tunstall is also going to be at the London launch - and, certainly, by not playing her music at all, we've helped to save enormously on our emission levels. Perhaps we should encourage KT to help by stopping releasing records altogether? Imagine... just not putting out three albums, with the attendant manufacture, and promotional tours, and trips down to Woolworths - how much otherwise wasted carbon dioxide could be left untouched by such a small sacrifice?

Posh fights the size zero tyranny

Victoria Beckham has announced she intends to do something about all the images of "size zero" models in the papers, by hiring "curvy girls" to prance about in her new jeans range.

Presumably Victoria sees this as being like a carbon offset scheme - every time she appears in her role as spokesperson for avoiding swallowing, she'll pay for a picture of someone with a bit of flesh elsewhere to balance it out.

The trouble is, this is Posh's idea of "curvy" - Daniella Sarahbya, Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Sarahbya is now on the Beckham payroll.

Is it just us, or is suggesting that Sarahbya is a "more normal" bodyshape just as bad for women's self-image as running pictures of ill women in fashion magazines? Indeed, isn't it just a little bit worse?

That's why Mum has gone to Scotland

Kerry Katona has finally organised that big celebrity wedding that she's been trying to get people interested in for months - she's nipping across to Gretna Green for a Valentine's Day wedding.

Yes, yes, we know. Apparently:

“Mark thought Gretna had an air of romance about it.”

This, of course, is a couple who think Iceland's party quiche range has an air of sophistication about it.

Pete Doherty's new shame: singing Gorillaz songs

A surprised and disappointed nation is waking up to video footage, obtained by The Sun, of Pete Doherty shooting up in Thailand while singing Damon Albarn songs:

[Backpacker Jess Lea], of Sydney, said she witnessed Doherty injecting coke at least three times between 1.30am and 4am. She added: “It was a bit mind-blowing. He asked us if we minded. Initially we were like, ‘OK, go for it’, but as time went on we began to get nervous.”

Jess said he shot up as the Gorillaz song Clint Eastwood played and sang along to the lyrics, which included: “I’m useless, but not for long.”

Pete also tells Lea there's not going to be a wedding:

She asked Doherty if rumours he had married Kate were true.

He replied: “No, I love her but I wouldn’t marry her if she was the last woman on Earth. She’s too paranoid.”

It takes four writers to bring us this expose - the main story is bylined

By VICTORIA NEWTON Showbiz Editor
and FRANK THORNE
in Sydney

- although since the whole thing seems to be based on an interview with lea in Sydney, it's not clear what Victoria's role was.
Then, Dr Carol Cooper takes over, to tell us that injecting drugs is... well, bad:

As well as serious abscesses (boils), the user can expect blocked blood vessels and serious harm to vital internal organs like the liver and kidneys - and to more obvious parts of the body too, like the hands, feet, and genitals.

Cooper then asks herself - rhetorically, of course - why oh why anyone would do this to themselves. She then answers her own rhetorical question:

So, why would anyone inject cocaine? Well, they'd probably be searching for the ultimate high, and they would also have to be pretty sick already to want to throw their life away like this.

God, wouldn't you hate to be one of her patients? Imagine going in to be treated for alcoholism or injuries putting shelves up - she'd probably make you wear a dunce's cap. Or do lines.

Not that sort of lines.

Cooper does provide some links to confidential help and support - although since the paper yesterday ran pictures of people leaving a confidential drug counselling service for all the world to see, I'm not sure I'd trust them.

Finally, Simon Rothstein ("Bizarre Online editor", whatever that invovles) pops up to introduce the videolink, explaining that while it might look like they're just flinging up some footage to allow you to gawp at a celebrity doing something wrong, it's actually a public service:

IF you are even THINKING about taking drugs then you need to watch this video of Pete Doherty injecting himself with cocaine.

It is difficult to sit through but we believe it is more powerful than any government anti-drugs campaign ever will be.

That's because it graphically reveals the full, sickening, sordid reality of Pete Doherty's deadly habit - and that of anyone else addicted to drugs like heroin and cocaine.

There is nothing cool, romantic or glamorous about Doherty's addiction.

In our film he is not a rock ‘n’ roll icon and certainly no hero or inspiration.

Instead we show Pete up for what he really is - a sad junkie so desperate for a fix he'll leave his girlfriend alone to go and shoot up in a grubby hostel in front of people he has never met.

And if you believe taking hard drugs is fun or sexy then click HERE to watch the video and think again.

Somewhere, a secondary school is missing its deputy headmaster.

We cherish the idea that Doherty can't simultaneously be a rock n roll icon and an intravenous drug user, as if being a rock icon calls for a better organised private life than being the Tory chief whip.

Abdul explains rambling; can't answer the being in love with smoking cat charges

With footage of her stumbling and slurring her way through an interview with a Fox affiliate in Seattle clogging up YouTube, Paula Abdul is rushing to explain it:

Abdul has repeatedly claimed that the botched appearance had nothing to do with either drugs or alcohol, but was instead the result of an audio snafu.

"I did a big week of press all last week in New York, and on the third day I did one of those press junkets where you're in that one little room and you're looking at one camera and there are 30 cities talking into your ear," Abdul explained on the Tonight Show earlier this month. "I guess Alabama was in my ear and so was Seattle at the same time, so I'm answering questions to the wrong answers of the cities."

Hmm. Well, that might explain the first snatch of interview, where, clearly Abdul is responding to voices from somewhere other than Seattle, but it hardly explains her appearance when the interview picked up shortly afterwards. She clearly knew she was talking to Seattle, but god alone knows where she thought she was.

Here, Fox rides to her defence - why, she was joshing:

Fox issued a statement of support for Abdul, backing up her explanation of technical difficulties and commending her sense of humor in the face of adversity.

"Rather than getting angry about these difficulties, or stopping the tour, Paula forged ahead and decided to have fun with the increasingly challenging situation," the network said. "Unfortunately, because reporters and viewers were unaware of the situation, her humor was misconstrued."

Well, that must be true - it's not like Fox News would lie to us, is it?

But you can see why pretending she was drunk as Edna The Inebriate woman celebrating being locked in brewery might be a little misconstrued. Unaware that she was "acting" drunk, a casual viewer might conclude she was totally bladdered.

Presumably she was also pretending to be ripped off her tits when she signed a deal to get involved in a live-action movie based on popular children's hooker toys, Bratz. Abdul is apparently going to choose the push-up trainer bras ("design the wardrobe") and choreograph the film. Rumours that the film will therefore be called Last Tango In Playschool cannot be confirmed.

You could have it so much better with Franz Ferdinand

Franz Ferdinand - my, how tired and old they seem compared with Arctic Monkeys and Lily Allen - are putting together their third album. By law, of course, this must be "difficult" and Alex Kapranos suggests it's going to show off a new style for the band:

: "I don't really want to rely on the old songs so much - the songs that we were writing when we were on tour. I'd rather see what the character of the new songs is that we're going be writing. I'd like the next album to be quite new, to be quite different sounding from everything we've ever done before."

We love that "everything", where "everything" is two albums. We're not sure, though, there's necessarily anything inherently good about sounding different. Lily Allen sounds different from the first two Franz Ferdinand albums, but that isn't a recommendation.

Wayne Coyne and the wankers

Now, we've said before we don't have a problem with erotica. What we do find soul crushing, though, is the sort of pat-women-on-the-head/butt attitude of the Playboy-Hooters type of establishment, using nudity to demean and making money off the back (or, rather, front) of the women they pretend to be celebrating.

Which is why some of the bands who've joined in a Playboy stunt to try and flog extra issues of their magazine by designing some sort of t-shirt. Oh, yes, it's for charity, but if, say, The Flaming Lips wanted to help LIFEbeat, couldn't they find a way that didn't involve cosying up to Hugh Hefner's empire? Kasabian we expect no better of, but... come on, Wayne. Playboy?

The full list of bands who are contributing a tshirt is:

The Bronx
Dean & Britta
The Flaming Lips
Home Video
Illinois
Johnossi
Kasabian
Lil Jon
Metric
Monsters Are Waiting
Oh No! Oh My!
Rhymefest
Soulwax
stellastarr*
Tahiti 80
The Thievery Corporation
Trainwreck Riders
Whitestarr
Your Vegas

We go smoot smoot

We were puzzled when we saw on MediaGuardian plans by the Guardian Media Group to rebrand SAGA radio:

Giving a network aimed at a more mature audience a name that sounds like it's been created for some sort of modish new media initiative seemed very brave indeed.

Then we realised it was a misprint, and they're just renaming them Smooth, not Smoot. As in the watered down version of Jazz FM.

Ooh, Mr. D'Arcy...

We wouldn't normally bother with the news of Colion Farrell dating Nicola Ward - Ward, those of you who have long memories and empty diaries might recall, could have been in Girls Aloud but quit the Popstars: The Rivals circus. However, we have been having an existential struggle with the article's headline:

Colin Farrell is dating a failed British pop star wannabe

How, exactly, does one "fail" as a "wannabe"? Presumably if you achieve success, then you've failed in a way, but as Ward is now languishing in obscure band Cushh she's clearly not arrived in any way. (Indeed, so obscure are Cushh, if you Google image search on them the first results are all of Colin Farrell.)

Or is she a wannabe failed British pop star? Someone who yearns to have screwed up a chance at the big time? But - having turned down the chance to be in Girls Aloud - that's something she has achieved.

It's all very puzzling. Any ideas?

On the buses: Crystal Gayle loses vehicle

Apparently, police were suspicious when they saw Christopher Daniel Gay sitting in a tour bus because he "had an unkempt appearance" - which suggests they've never seen anyone getting on or off a tour bus ever before.

It turned out, though, that Gay had no business being on the bus. Nor were his claims to be picking up NASCAR driver Tony Stewart true, either.

In fact, he'd pinched the bus off Crystal Gayle, as part of a getaway attempt having been caught in a stolen Wal-Mart wagon. (Now, that's a step-up in terms of luxury, isn't it?)

Prior to that, he'd been in a stolen pick-up and before that, riding in a prison van. It's a bit like the Honda Impossible Dream advert, only with thieving and without the getaway in a giant balloon at the end.

The police who challenged him in Gayle's tour bus had been satisfied with his response:

"He stated that he was leaving the racetrack to go to McDonald's to get a hamburger."

They did think to check, and discovered he was in a stolen bus. But not before they'd waved him on his way. It turned out he'd been lying about going to McDonalds, too.

The last we heard, he's still cruising across the US in Crystal Gayle's bus. They ought to make a movie.