We know you'll have been worried...

But Emma Bunton has insisted that the show will go on, even if she has to take to the London stage with crutches.

After all, a bit more support propping things up on the Spice tour won't be a problem, will it?

We say she's insisted. I suspect it's fifty percent management pointing out the costs of cancellation; fifty percent the Spices desperate to not have to extend the tour a moment longer by rescheduling dates.

Winehouse: Give me temperance - but not yet

With Gordon presumably still following the Spice Girls round America, Pete Samson is again filing the big story for Bizarre - we wonder if he spins round in Gordo's chair, too. This morning, the Ed Balls of the Bizarre cabinet has an unsourced story which builds on the Israeli rehab story the paper was pushing last week, claiming that Amy is going to go off to rehab-lite. But not before a "big Christmas blowout". Which would be like a new year resolution, presumably.

The two stories actually don't make sense together, though: last week Gordon was suggesting Amy was reluctant rehabber - hence the trip to the Israel clinic where rehab lasts only a week (the course; we imagine the clean time isn't as long as that); this week Pete Samson is saying she's keen.

Odd.

Meanwhile, Ringo Starr is worried about Amy, too:

“God Bless Amy. She’s a great talent and she’s going through a situation right now.

“It’s a very public destruction. The good news is that there’s more help around now than before.”

It's true that - back in the 60s it took a lot of organisation to get yourself destructing; now, it's easier than ever to dabble, snort, smack and generally befuck yourself. In some companies, it's even tax deductible.

Sony BMG marriage to be annulled in New Year?

It's looking much more likely that we might be back to five major labels in 2008, as Advocate General Juliane Kolkott has advised that the Court Of First Instance's ruling that the clearance given by Europe to the Sony-BMG merger be removed. Kolkott's advice is not binding, but is normally followed by the higher court.

God alone knows what would happen next - presumably a few years of legal merry-go-round followed by some token disinvestments. It's probable that CDs will be finally obsolete before this one gets sorted.

Velvet Revolver to tour UK... maybe

Spinal Tap tribute act Velvet Revolver are planning a UK tour for next March:

Liverpool, University - March 15
Leeds, University - 16
Manchester, Apollo - 17
Newcastle, Academy - 19
Glasgow, Academy - 20
Wolverhampton, Civic - 22
Birmingham, Academy - 23
Brixton, Academy - 25
Brighton, Centre - 27

We wouldn't advise buying tickets just yet.

Madonna: Almost officially famous

The inductees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, 2008, have been announced: Madonna - who has donated large numbers of items to the museum - is in; The Beastie Boys - who haven't - are not. Funny that.

Also going in will be John 'Where's The Cougar' Mellencamp and Leonard Cohen. The funny thing is, despite the amount of cash the good people of Cleveland have poured in to the Hall, they hold the induction in New York. It's almost as if the birthplace of rock and roll isn't good enough for today's rock and rollers, isn't it?

[You might also enjoy: No Rock's trip to the Hall of Fame]

Katona in close-up

Kerry Katona is going to churn her life into a MTV reality series:

It will also shadow the face of frozen food firm Iceland as she launches a perfume and her first novel.

And it will chronicle her bitter custody fight with ex-husband Bryan McFadden, with whom she has two daughters.
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A source said it was a chance for Kerry, who has fought drink and drug addictions and was diagnosed with manic depression, to answer her critics.

Hmm. Not entirely sure how selling your private life to a TV company - and selling out your kids by viewing a custody battle as a USP for a reality series rather than a serious determining moment in their lives - is an "answer" to the critics who suggest she's more interested in money and clinging to declining fame above those she supposedly cares about, but good luck with it, Kerry.

Gordon in the morning

Well, now we know why Gordon wasn't at Led Zep: it sounds like he's plodding about behind the Spice Girls, spending RupertJames' money on an American jolly. It's fair to say he's a little starstruck, as - like politicians - the Spices can't help sucking up to The Sun:

During a gap between songs, EMMA BUNTON said to her bandmates: “Have you seen that guy in row B?” (where I was sitting).

GERI HALLIWELL replied: “What, the Scottish guy with the nice eyes?” (Aaah, bless. It’s all pretty good so far).

Then MEL B: “The bloke who edits the Bizarre column of The Sun?” (Ooops, I’m not known as their No1 fan).

POSH added: “That’s him” and SCARY, obviously, had to have the final word. She said brazenly, as I cringed, wondering exactly what was coming: “He’s got a massive, huge, gigantic . . . personality!”

Most of the Vegas crowd didn’t notice my massive, huge, gigantic grin as I savoured the message.

Your massive, huge, gigantic grin? Good lord, man. If you feel this is something to brag about, at least try and write it up in a way that doesn't make it sound like 'what I did done do on my holidays'. (We do love, though, that "most" - as if there were a knowing few cognoscenti would have been nudging each other saying 'that's that Smart, that is...' - whereas, of course, the audience would actually have been wondering why the Spice Girls were making so much fuss over a supermarket tabloid.)

Funny, though, that Gordon managed to miss the story that was in all the other papers - how few people turned up for the gig. No wonder they were able to single Gordon out for special treatment. He probably was all of Row B.

Still, if he's pulling together his column in a hotel room in Nevada, it explains how an actual story might have accidentally sneaked into his page: Noel Gallagher apparently being too drunk to remember what he said to Jimmy Page after the Led Zep gig. But elsewhere, it's business as usual: that naked Paris Hilton champagne advert being treated like it's worth an article, and a clunking piece of text to go with a photo of Kylie Minogue:

KYLIE MINOGUE is getting into this biker-influenced look.

We don't know what the bikers wear round Smart's way, but we've never seen anyone on a Harley in a couture mini-dress and fishnets.

I wonder who had the top job of zipping her up before the Nobel Peace Prize Concert in Oslo on Tuesday?

She must break more than just 2 Hearts a week.

Eh? Because she has a tight dress, she ends relationships with at least three people every seven days? Oh... is it just a crowbarred in pun based on a songtitle?

Zunes in short supply

Exciting news for Microsoft: the Zune is a sell-out. And back-orders are starting to pile up. Although this turns out to be more because they've not made enough to meet a fairly low level of demand than because they've been fabulously successful. And not having devices in the shops as people go out Christmas shopping might not be the sharpest strategy to defeat the iPod.

Craig David's big moment ruined

Poor Craig David. There he was, all set to press the button to start the balls coming out of the Lotto machine - and just as he was saying "Good Luck" Alan Deddicoat spoke over him, as the balls had started to come out without the need for David's involvement.

While this raises a bit of a question over the probity of the draw - who's setting the thing off it it happens without the hapless z-lister pushing the button? - it's more indicative of Craig David's role in the scheme of things: he's not even needed as a player in his own life.

GCap to government: Switch off FM, or the kittens get it

Okay, maybe Ralph Bernard, outgoing head of GCap, isn't threatening to kill kittens, but he has announced that GCap is considering pulling the plug on all its digital radio stations:

Speaking at a MediaTel Future of Radio event, Bernard criticised regulator Ofcom for not setting a date for the switch-off of analogue radio, claiming that the delay was costing stations million of pounds.

"At GCap, we are seriously considering whether to continue with our digital stations," he said. "It costs us £8 million a year to run an analogue station, while it costs us £15 million to run a digital station. Where's the logic in that? It can't be sustained.
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"We don't want a hard and fast switch-off date, just a target date."

Bernard also moaned about the awarding of a digital multiplex to Channel 4, suggesting that "flooding supply" would set digital radio back ten years. On the other hand, limited bandwidth has just given us a bunch of under-funded, soundalike Top 40 and gold stations, so perhaps it's worth a try, eh?

Velvet Revolver man heading for jail?

Scott Weiland has been formally charged with DUI, a charge which carries a year in the slammer.

Weiland has issued a statement via his management denying that he was drunk at the time of his road accident, and looking forward to going to court to "clear things up".

R&Bobit: Ike Turner

The death of Ike Turner has been announced. He was 76.

Born in Mississippi in 1931, the young Ike started to earn money from his music when, as an eleven year-old, he played piano for Sonny Boy Williamson and Robert Nighthawk. By the end of the second world war, he was combining djing for WROX with performance work. His piano work was a vital part of Jackie Brenston's Rocket 88; constantly in demand, he also appeared on records with Elmore James and Howlin' Wolf. Solo records were less well-received - his voice wasn't as strong as some of his competitors - but his nose for a hit saw him land a talent-scouting job for Modern Records. Discovering acts, producing them, and often embroidering his role in some groups' success, Turner's greatest stroke came in 1957. Having relocated to East St Louis, Turner came across Anna Mae Bullock. Persuading her to join his band, The Rhythm Kings changed their fortunes - and everyone's names. Anna Mae became Tina Turner; the Kings became the Ike and Tina Turner Revue.

The details of the relationship between Tina and Ike are confusing - she moved into his house while pregnant with a child by the saxophonist of the Revue; Tina married Ike in Tijuana, only to discover he was already married and the ceremony was void. Ike married four times legitimately, but it's believed he might have been through fourteen ceremonies.

While their partnership provided some great musical moments, their relationship was less glittering. Ike beat Tina; he spent much of the last thirty years slagging her off to anyone who'd listen (for example, blaming her love of "cold fish lesbian sex" for the collapse of their marriage, rather than his love of domestic violence.) The pair divorced in 1975.

While Tina fought her way back, Ike struggled a lot - he wasn't helped by Tina's biography and the film based on her life, What's Love Got To Do With It, fixing his violence in the popular imagination. Drugs and gambling didn't help - in 1989, he served a sentence after being caught with a large amount of coke.

He continued to record, however, slowly salvaging some of his reputation: a Grammy came in 2001, ten years after he and Tina were simultaneously inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame. In 2005, he released what he knew would be his final proper album, containing a surprising safe sex message:

'Sex / I want it every day / There ain't no-body going to take my sex away / Condoms is my best friends / Without condoms I ain't gonna go in.'

He even got a genuflection from Damon Albarn, with a guest vocal slot on a Gorillaz track.

Asked how he felt history would view him, Ike summarised his life:

"I would say that I'm the guy that went all the way to the top, and then I've come all the way back down to the bottom again. And then bounced. And, like, today I can say that whatever I do from now, my life is great today."

Five years ago today

Missy Elliott wanted some balls ripped off;
Moby got attacked;
French police raided Universal parent company Vivendi's offices;
while Hilary Rosen wrote for USA Today about how terrible file sharers were;
Nas announced he "looked up" to Hitler and
Stereolab's Mary Hansen died in a bike accident.

Producer attaches Britney's name to lame script; media bites

As lame ideas for films go, a teenager giving birth on Christmas Day and her hick neighbours deciding that it's the second coming - even if it's touted as a "satirical" look at religion - is pretty much lacking good legs. It's the sort of Polytechnic Film Course idea that nobody would give a second look at.

Unless you add Britney Spears' name to it. Which is what has happened:

"I had to convince my partners because they were like, 'Oh, no. Britney?'" the film's French producer, Philippe Rebboah, tells Us.

"But I thought it was brilliant. It's a bit ironic that she would play the Virgin Mary, no?"

Ironic? Not really. And not especially funny, either. We wonder if he's actually pitched this to Spears' people yet, because we bet he didn't do the "... and it's funny because Britney is playing a virgin, while as we all know... um... she... aaah..." routine.

50 Cent fires up his filesharing software

50 Cent doesn't mind a bit of filesharing, saying that it's not bad for artists.

Of course, he's retired, so you'd expect him to say that.

Oh... hang on, he didn't, did he?

Mr. Cent told a Norwegian magazine:

"What is important for the music industry to understand is that file-sharing doesn't hurt artists."

He went on to say that the industry needed to "maximise its income from concerts and merchandise", adding that: "It is the only way they can get their marketing money back."

However he hit out at some labels who were more interested in peddling “ringtones, not records".

He went on: "They don't understand the value of a perfect piece of art."

While welcoming his attitude, we're a little confused as to why he would decry ringtones while insisting that labels should be maximising income from baseball caps and boxer shorts with logos on.

Black Eyed Peas told to shut up - by the law

The Black Eyed Peas - who seem to exist these days purely when called upon to do a corporate - were made to cut short a gig launching a Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego:

Apparently, locals were complaining about the loud music, some from as far as two miles away.

Which is hardly "local", is it?

We'd imagine that people trying to get some kip in the hotel might have been less than thrilled, too.

HMV launch their new look. Again.

The number of times HMV has launched its new face onto the world, you might think nobody is much noticing. The latest excuse to try and interest someone, anyone, in their declining sector has been the re-opening of the London flagship, upon which deckchairs have been decisively re-arranged:

Deep in the bowels of the garish Trocadero centre, HMV has turned a significant chunk of its store into a paradise for computer game enthusiasts. With sleek black walls, an "over-18s" annexe, and more than 70 whirring computers and giant plasma screens, the so-called Gamerbase room allows visitors to choose and play hundreds of computer games.

Like the world's most technologically advanced youth club, the room is a godsend for gamers - and possibly the first of many across the country.

(Yes, Sunday Telegraph - 'possibly' in the sense of "possibly the first, if you don't count the one in Merry Hill.)

Simon Fox of HMV trots out the justification for dumping CDs and concentrating on Games:

"Big picture, if you look over the next three years, what we have said is that the CD market will decline by 10 per cent per annum, so we need to replace that with higher-growth categories: games, technologies, band merchandise, and this is part of that. We need to respond," says Fox, as he shows The Sunday Telegraph round the store.

"For HMV we are already a natural destination for music and film, we want to become an equal destination for games, and this is about making our stores a real magnet for gamers to come and play and buy," he says.

Lessening dependence on a sector which has seen the closure or sale of MVC, Fopp, Tower, Virgin, Borders and so on might seem to make sense, although entering a sector which has the same sort of problems, perhaps less so. Documents in the recently green-lighted merger of Gamestation and Game [pdf] indicated the main motivation for reducing the number of games-only chains to one was the challenge of digital downloads for games, and the supermarkets eroding margins for physical products. In effect, by turning to games from music, HMV is like a sportsman trying to cope with a bad back by swapping weightlifting for shot-putting.

[Thanks to James P for the link]

iTunes across the Atlantic

Thanks to Mark S for pointing us in the direction of the Top 25 UK itunes songs of the year.

What's interesting is that only one track makes the top five on both sides of the Atlantic: Plain White Ts.

A remarkable triumph for them, although when we say "them" we mean their marketing team - if ever a band were put together in a brainstorming session, it was them, surely?

[More best ofs! More most ofs! On the big best of 2007 page]

Lily Allen read a book once; it was Orange

While we can understand the Orange Prize Judges' motivation in accepting an offer from Lily Allen to let her judge the next prize - with so many prizes for literature now, it'll give it a PR leap over the Costa, the Guardian, the Smarties and the rest of the crowded field - we're not entirely sure they're comfortable with what they've done.

Certainly, Kate Mosse seemed to be selling an idea rather than announcing a judge:

"She is a very vibrant, lively musician and we all like her music," added Mosse. "With the Orange judging panel we always try to seek a broad selection of ages and experiences because it is about celebrating international women's fiction and getting outstanding fiction read by as many women and men as possible".

The Orange judges have previously included actors, politicians and models, and, Mosse pointed out, a singer, Suzanne Vega.

Because, of course, Suzanne Vega and Lily Allen are almost interchangeable.

It might be that Allen is a great choice - although she doesn't list any authors as inspiration on her MySpace page, and we can't think of her talking about books overmuch - she once told the Independent she her "current favourite book" was the Other Boleyn Girl, and there were rumours earlier in the year that she'd been signed up to add a "My Life Story" to the groaning WH Smiths shelves alongside Beckham and Price. It might even be that having Allen onboard will allow a little of her marketeer's idea of cool rub off on reading as a whole. But the Guardian website seemed to be sending out a coded message of doubt:

That Allen "indirectly" (i.e. through her management or record label, we assume) Orange to be a judge is also interesting - could she be hoping a little credibility sticks to her?

Bragg: Morrissey shouldn't sue

Billy Bragg, writing for the The Guardian about the Morrissey/NME spat, comes out broadly in favour of the NME's right to publish:

From a man whose whole career has been based on the articulation of sensitivity and victimhood, this is more than just heavy-handedness. Any court case will only result in his questionable assertions on immigration being aired anew - something you'd imagine he'd want to avoid. He may hope, in going to law, to shut the NME up, wait until the fuss dies down and quietly withdraw the writ. But that has been the tactic down the ages of those wealthy folk who are self-centred enough to believe that they are above criticism.

In other news, Andrew Collins spent Saturday at a Royal Festival Hall event marking Billy Bragg's fiftieth birthday. Guess who turned out:

There were two NME editors in the room: Neil Spencer, now a registered astrologer of course, and Conor McNicholas, who was unsurprisingly tired of talking about Morrissey, but in good spirits otherwise.

Gordon in the morning

Having - apparently - not been at the Led Zep concert at all, Gordon is back behind the wheel today, offering to reunite Naomi Campbell with her stolen Blackberry:

You don’t want to face her wrath, so if you accidentally took her phone, get in touch with me and I’ll give it straight back.

Yes, we're sure that Naomi would be delighted if you pass her telephone to the offices of News International, with its relaxed attitude towards listening to other people's telephone conversations.

Indeed, so relaxed is the attitude to people's voicemail privacy at Wapping, one former News of the World staffer told the UK Press Gazette that the features desk used to hack into the voicemail of the news team.

Gordon also reports on plans for a Zeppelin gig in New York - he relies on "my souce backstage" at their London gig.

Otherwise, it's business as usual: Cindy Crawford has decided that she doesn't want to pose naked again, because she's afraid her child might get teased. So Gordon responds by running as many naked pages of Cindy as he had stuck in his scrapbook;

while, despite hardly anyone in the UK knowing or caring what Hulk Hogan is, Gordon runs a photo of her to support a story that consists of saying "look, she's in a bikini".

Napster boss quits

Apparently it's "personal reasons" that have led Nand Gangwani, vice president and chief financial officer at Napster, to quit the company. It would be unfair to suggest that Sisyphus gave similar reasons when he stepped down.

Going, Geffen, gone?

Digital Music News is reporting that - as the majors shrink - Geffen Records could be about to disappear in a Universal shake-up.

Depending on who you listen to, the label will either be shuttered, or else be stripped of everything but its name, with the brand being slapped on to releases handled by other parts of the Universal empire. In other words, the Geffen name will be preserved, although only to undermine it by using it as nothing more than a flag of convenience with dwindling returns.

Love: It's because I am a lady

Courtney Love has figured a reason why people think she's a bit of a hellraiser. No, surprisingly, it's nothing to do with the way she'll strip off and run, drunk, down the street during a magazine cover shoot. Or being arrested smashing bottles outside rivals houses. Or the drugs. Oh, no - it's because she is a woman:

"There is a disconnect between who I am and how I am perceived. I used to play up to it a bit when I was on drugs because who cares: sex, drugs, rock'n'roll, waaaaah! I always seem to come number two to Keith Richards in lists of greatest hell-raisers of all time. But if I was a guy, I wouldn't even be on the list! I didn't know it was such a guy's job. It's like playing football in high heels and lipstick, no wonder it smears."

That's right. If you were a guy, we'd barely notice you as you careered down the street yelling and puking and fighting, Courtney.

Bowie's face up for sale

A mask of David Bowie's face has gone up for sale by auction. The immovable but lifelike visage of Bowie was made for make-up tests during the making of The Hunger; not be confused with the immovable but lifelike visage he used when he was stinking up the screen in the Twin Peaks movie.

Okkervil overkill

We love anyone who will take on a cover version of Randy Newman's Simon Smith And His Amazing Dancing Bear. If they give it away, so much the better. And that's just one track on Okkervil River's free download mixtape of cover versions, available from their website for a limited time.

They're coming to the UK in February, too - you'll find details on their website.

Kooks pleased with themselves

The Kooks are talking up their next record:

"I think we've made a dynamic album. Every song has its own character. It's a good pop album. But talk is cheap - I want everyone to hear it."

Oh, you're alright, Luke. We're quite happy to take your word for it. We really don't need to hear it. Indeed, as it's called Konk and includes a track Do You Wanna (Make Love To Me), we're more than happy not to listen to it. Ever.

Updated lists

Amongst recent revisions to the best-of lists are the iTunes sales charts from the US, which basically reveals that some people don't even deserve iPods. Fergie? Plain White Ts?

James come home

Coming next year: not just a James tour, but a studio album, something they've not done since 2001.

Oddly, James are treating this as a continuation of business, but a load of bands have formed, split and had massive reunion comeback tours in the gaps between the two albums.

Dates in full:

Derby Assembly Rooms (April 10)
Lincoln Engine Shed (11)
Liverpool University (12)
Newcastle Academy (14)
Sheffield Academy (15)
London Shepherds Bush Empire (17)
Norwich UEA (18)
Bristol Colston Hall (21)
Blackpool Empress Ballroom (22)
Edinburgh Corn Exchange (24)
Aberdeen AECC (25)

Freesheet introduces 'fair' music service

The Metro, the initiative from Associated Newspapers designed to hide the chewing-gum and dog poop on British city streets by covering them in a thick layer of newsprint, has soft-launched a music service called MeMusic for some reason - presumably as in "I gotten me music on me mp3 player".

This offers free streaming of its library - uploaded by users:

MUSIC YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOVE - new music, free to play and fair to download

And what, exactly, is 'fair' to download?

It turns out that means 79p, some of which goes to the artist. The headline says 70 per cent - but it turns out that means something different:

amazingtunes.com and MEmusic will reward the artist as it's their music that is for sale. 70% of revenue from all tunes sales – after bank charges and taxes [our emphasis] – will go straight to the artist. The artist receives payment thirty days after the end of each month either electronically or via a cheque from Amazing Media Group Ltd., provided the amount you are due is greater than £20 and Amazing Media Group Ltd. has been able to collect payment. Don't worry, we will get in touch when you reach this point for a current address and preferred means of payment.

Oddly, AmazingTunes and the Metro promote this as being a music service "without the middlemen", but, surely, if they're raking off 30p in the pound, then they're the middlemen, aren't they?