Do you need some more music?

For fifty years, Paul Mawhinney has been buying records. He's now got three million of them and - as his health starts to decline - he's looking for a buyer for his entire collection. He wants to find a caring buyer:

The History of American music belongs in a museum or a library; a place where people who love music and have an interest in history and popular American culture can look, listen, touch, read and appreciate this legacy for future generations. It could be part of a stand-alone music museum, a major exhibit in an existing museum, or the basis of a university music library. Cleverly arranged and displayed, and surrounded by additional cultural memorabilia, the collection could even become a tourist attraction.

We’re seeking a buyer who will guarantee to keep the collection intact (other than to sell duplicate copies, if so desired) and to keep the music alive for the enjoyment and music lovers, now and for years to come.

If you represent a museum, library, university, or charitable foundation, or you’re a philanthropist interested in purchasing the collection and donating it, please contact the owner’s representatives for more information, pricing and a personal on-site inspection.

Oddly, though, he's seeking this philanthropist through eBay. The opening bid being sought is three million dollars, but there is good news...

You can get ten quid back on that if you use an eBay credit card.

Venuewatch: The Viper Room to roll out

There's two cheers for the purchase of LA's The Viper Room to Harry Morton.

The Sunset Strip venue is much more than "hey, dude, I did a speedball - I'm gonna die", at least as far as the local music scene is concerned. And Morton respects what it is:

"I want to make it real clear that I have no intentions of remaking the brand. If it ain't broke, don't fix it," says Harry Morton. "I plan on maintaining the integrity of the brand while elevating the focus of the music and live entertainment."

What could possibly go wrong?

"I'm looking forward to expanding the brand worldwide, while sticking by the core beliefs I maintain at all my companies: staying true to brand, integrity and identity."

Oh, that. Morton intends to turn the Viper Room into a chain, simultaneously showing he understands what's important and valuable about the place while not realising the vital importance of place. This reminds us of the ill-starred plans to spin out the Marquee brand as an (inevitably) marquee brand a few years back.

Morton's father founded the Hard Rock Cafe chain - so, at least we can conclude that taking something visceral and turning it into a safe commodity is a genetic predisposition.

E to ER

Apparently, E from Eels wrote a letter to the Queen attempting to promote his gig ("inviting her to his gig"):

My name is Mark Oliver Everett. My friends call me "E". I am the singer in an American rock band called Eels. We will be playing a show at your Royal Festival Hall on the evening of February 25th and I would like to extend an invitation for you to attend our performance. We have played the Festival Hall several times and I've noticed that your royal box is usually empty. I'd like to change that. We have also played your Queen Elizabeth and Royal Albert Halls. I don't think you were at those shows either.

I recently saw the movie ‘The Queen’ and while I know that wasn't actually you in the film, it made me think that I would like you as a person. I'd like you to be one of the people who call me “E”. If you're free February 25th, please come down to the show. It's sold out, but I would be happy to put you on the guest list. I also have a new book, ‘Things The Grandchildren Should Know’, and two new compact disc and DVD collections, ‘Meet The Eels’ and ‘Useless Trinkets’. I think you'd enjoy them and I'd be happy to give you complimentary copies of each, which I will even sign for you after the show.

If you're busy, I understand. But if you can free up your calendar, we'd love to see you there. Thank you for your time, Your Majesty.

She's not going - she'd already got tickets for Naomi Hates Humans at the Old Queen's Head in Islington that night.

Those Eurovision entries in full

As anonymous points out below, the shortlist of entries for this year's Song For EuropeMaking Your Mind Up has been announced today - quashing, at least, this morning's stories about the possibility of Ziggy and/or Chanelle having a crack.

Although they don't sound so bad now. First out the traps, Fresh (Or is it Fly?) from Fresh N Fly:

Michelle Gayle - Woo (U Got Me)
Michelle Gayle is probably best known for her role as Hattie Tavernier in EastEnders which helped launch her successful assault onto the British charts in the Nineties. Michelle has had a string of Top Ten UK hits including Sweetness, Do You Know and Things Are Looking Up.

Michelle's song, Woo (you got me) is pop in essence, but she says it has very cool Sixties vibe to it. According to Michelle, the song is about a couple who are from different countries, so have a language barrier – they are literally lost in translation.

So, someone who loved singing so much, she became an actress. We're not sure anyone who thinks that "a cool sixties vibe" is different from being "pop" really should be entering a singing contest. And 'Woo You Got Me' - it hardly suggests the couple are going to have too many in the way of problems translating that.

It does put us in mind of an old joke, though. Bloke comes back from holiday, and his mate asks him how it was. "Oh, brilliant. I met a wonderful Swedish girl." His mate is surprised, not knowing he spoke any Swedish. "I don't, and she didn't speak any English, but she came up to me and drew a picture of a glass. So I realised she wanted to go for a drink with me. Then later, she drew a picture of a knife and fork - because she wanted to have a meal with me. After that, she drew a picture of a bed. How she knew I was a carpenter, I'll never know..."

Andy Abraham - Even If

Former X Factor finalist Andy is currently writing his third album after winning over the nation with his soulful sound.

His Eurovision entry, Even If, is a funky ballad about a man who has found genuine love and wants to show his commitment. Andy believes his song is catchy, memorable and cool enough to be a winner.

Obviously, Abraham hasn't been that effective at winning the nation over if he didn't win the X Factor and has managed to release a follow-up album without anyone much noticing. A funky ballad, eh? Isn't that slightly contradictory?

LoveShy - Mr Gorgeous

Twenty-two-year-old Aimee Kearsley and 24-year-old Emma Beard are the lively popstrels that make up LoveShy. With five years experience in the business as part of girl band Clea, they think a loud and catchy song is the way to win Eurovision.

Their entry, Mr Gorgeous, is a stylish pop song about meeting the perfect guy and wanting to spend all your time with him. LoveShy say that Mr Gorgeous is less of a love song and more of a lust song!

Clea? Another bloody Cowell-related act, then. Shouldn't there be a rule that we won't send a band to Europe if they've already failed in a public vote? Clea's "experience" amounts to having managed ten weeks on the singles chart with five singles, one of which never made it; they never cracked the top 20. Hardly suggests that they can find the public g-spot over a three-minute dash. And the whole concept of the track sounds like a diet Coke advert.

The Revelations - It's You

The Revelations consists of Annika Magnberg, 24, Louise Masters, 24, and Sarah Vitorino, 22. Their classic soulful pop music is influenced by Sixties girl groups such as The Supremes, along with more contemporary influences like the Scissor Sisters.

The Revelations' song, It's You, is an upbeat and original modern motown song celebrating love and how good it feels. The girls think It's You has all the right ingredients of a winning some because it's a good tune with fantastic harmonies.

We're throwing our weight behind this bunch - they're like a proper band and everything, off Fierce Panda records, and formed via an ad in the NME. Which is reason enough to support them. If the track's any good, we might make a banner.

They won't win, of course.

Rob McVeigh - I Owe It All To You

Twenty-four-year-old Rob hit our screens last year as one of the final 12 Josephs in Any Dream Will Do. "Rob the Builder", as he became known, had no idea a year ago that he was about to be launched into a full-time career as a singer – let alone be up for representing the UK in Eurovision.

Rob's song, I Owe It All to You is a big ballad that Rob hopes will show his vulnerable side by being in such contrast to the rock songs he sang in Any Dream Will Do. Rob thinks that recent entries have lacked passion – something his has plenty of, for the song, his country and his love of performing.

Aaaand we're back to the also-rans in karaoke contests. We don't remember which one was Rob - despite the attempt to suggest he might have had a personality.

Simona Armstrong - Changes

Born and raised in Romania, Simona Armstrong was one of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's final ten from the hit BBC One series How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? Sadly Simona didn't make it as Maria, but she is delighted to be taking part in Eurovision where the competition is taken very seriously in her native homeland.

Simona's song Changes she feels has a universal appeal as it's about keeping positive and adapting to the challenges and changes of every day life. She hopes that if she makes it through to the competition in Belgrade this year that Romania will give the UK douze points!

Good lord - one Eastender, two Lloyd-Webbers, two Cowells and a proper band. We don't remember which one Simona was on Maria, either, but if she turns her back on us and we all join in So Long, Farewell, we might remember.

So: hope for the best, but prepare for the very, very worst.

Alright, at least there's no Paul Medford.

McCartney, Mills fight to the end

The McCartney-Mills divorce hearing has not arrived at an amicable settlement (odd, that, what with all the papers at the weekend claiming that they knew what the sum to be shaken on was to be); Mr Justice Bennett will decide on the case at a date some point in the future.

The Gap brand

The Gap - who make sweaters, apparently - have underwritten a project featuring the likes of the Raveonettes, Marie Digby and Swizz Beatz, which sees the bands getting given a colour, and asked to create some music around it.

What's interesting, besides the results, is the interaction between sponsor and project, as told to Advertising Age's Songs For Soap:

The idea was pitched to Gap as a response to their brief: a nontraditional project that complemented their spring "Color Redefined" campaign and didn't require any media buy. We looked at what Gap had done historically with music and devised a complementary web model. It was also important to look at the target audience and create content and a distribution method that fit their lifestyle. If you live for music like I do and like our target does, you understand that the process of discovery is very important. That's the rationale behind putting all the budget into creating great music and compelling video rather than media buys or placement.

The idea is that Gap want to be seen as a patron rather than a company buying some music for its marketing campaign - and, up to a point, it has been somewhat hands off.

There are some nagging doubts, though - the subject the bands have been given to work around are directly lifted from the advertising theme the chain is using this season - which isn't necessarily a bad thing in itself, but does constitute a fairly major injection of Gap influence into the whole programme. And the gap between The Gap and the finished product gets smaller still:

The artists were given almost complete creative control by Gap and Rehab; there were a few mandatory constraints -- no political endorsements, no obscenity, etc., but other than that the artists were allowed to create whatever they wanted to. And in the end the rights to the tracks revert back to the artists; they can use those tracks however they want. Gap has no right or license to use the works in a commercial way.

The lack of ownership from Gap is admirable - seriously, for the company to say that it wouldn't even expect to use the finished products in a TV spot as of right is quite refreshing. But the suggestion that you've got "almost" complete creative control - only nothing political or offensive - is a bit hollow. If you say "record want you want, but no sex or politics" (and whatever is covered by "etcetera"), you're not actually setting artists free, you're setting a High School essay competition.

Still, it's a much more interesting project than deodorant companies paying to get Pete Wentz to spray his armpits during a pop video, and the resultant stuff - available at Sound Of Color (a website with almost no mention of The Gap at all, besides a small credit) - is much, much better to have in the world than to not.

Rob Da Bank: Can remember when Glastonbury was all fields

Rob DaBank has paused to brush a nostalgic tear from his eye and recall the good old days of Glastonbury - all of ten years ago:

"When my wife and I used to set off on the spur of the moment and go fence-jumping into Glastonbury 10 or 11 years ago, it felt so crazy and exciting.

"I think, unfortunately, Glastonbury's lost some of the feeling now. It's still the best festival in the world, but it all has to be planned and organised."

Actually, we were there ten years ago, and the rot had already set in. Mobile phone companies flogging their wares in the market place and ATMs set up next to the toilets.

But still, Rob, if the vibe has left Avalon, is there, perhaps, somewhere we can still recapture that feeling?

Why, yes:

"With the fancy dress and the inflatable church and just our general crazy, eccentricity, I think we've got that old vibe back at Bestival."

How fortunate!

BBC London: Jay walks

Norman Jay has confirmed he's left BBC London:

After much soul searching and consideration and largely due to new scheduling changes implemented by BBC London late last year, I felt I could no longer continue working there as a presenter of Giant 45 - especially in it's present format.

So as of today, I have officially left BBC London after nearly 11 great years. I would like to thank my many friends and colleagues I leave behind - far too many to mention but you all know who you are. Finally, I'd like to thank YOU - the listeners - both past and present for your fantastic support of Giant 45 over the years. I really did enjoy having your 'live' company and playing great music for you on a Sunday night. As that now was no longer to be the case, for me at least, Giant 45 is a radio story to be continued some other time in some other place hopefully. In terms of radio, I've always held the view that the more things change - the more they remain the same. Thanks for the memories anyway.

MediaGuardian reports that Jay had been offered a digital-only slot to free up the FM transmitter for a pick of the week style programme.

Whoever thought that might be a problem?

Ozzy Osbourne is fretting that he might make a holy show of himself on Wednesday night:

The veteran metal star, who is hosting the bash with his wife Sharon, claimed that he is never able to remember people's names and is scared about "putting his foot in it".

It's quite sweet that Ozzy doesn't seem to realise that, actually, he's there to forget people's names and bumble about and generally be a bit lost, because if he doesn't live up to the version of him off The Osbournes, there'd be even less point in having him there.

Still, the news that Ozzy won't know what he's doing or who he's talking to offers some encouragement - if you're fast up on the stage, you could tell him that you're Mika, and make off with his awards.

Ditto, Cocker together for charity

It's good to remember that when Beth Ditto isn't mangling queer history or handing out well-meaning advice - that is, when she concentrates on the dayjob - she can turn in a cracking performance. Like when she did Temptation with Jarvis Cocker at the NME Awards last year, for example.

Although that track has been sloshing around the net for twelve months, it's never been officially released - until, that is, today. Jarvis reports it's up for sale on the iTunes; the money will go to Shelter, which should be enough for you to replace the version you'd ripped from the YouTube video, don't you think?

When worlds collide: Ziggy and Chanelle

When we first heard that Ziggy and Chanelle are limbering up for a run at Eurovision, we thought the idea was for them to do it together. We could just about see that - a marvellous, campy, sniping-at-each-other, Anything You Could Briefly Do I Can Do Better type affair. Obviously, since in the UK they can barely manage a downpage in the middle of New! magazine, the whole thing would be spectacularly pointless beyond Dover, but at least it would have some coherence.

But it turns out they're planning two separate tries. Chanelle has, at least, convinced her mother:

"Chanelle’s very good at music. She’s an A* student and plays the violin at Grade Seven. She is always singing at home."

Even that, actually, sounds more convincing than Ziggy's pedigree:

He sang with the group Northern Line between 1998-2000 and had three top 40 hits.

... which nobody alive can remember.

[Once again, thanks to Michael M]

Under my day-glo Umbrella... ella... ellaq

Actually, you know, I kind of like the idea of the Klaxons doing a collaboration with Rhianna for the Brits. Even although it signals that the organisers are worried that they can't trust the audience to watch three minutes of the Klaxons without someone with a higher profile on stage.

[Thanks to Michael M for the link]

Douglas lies down with George Lamb

Lesley Douglas has stood up for George Lamb, defending his almost unlistenable 6Music show:

"Developing a new show is always going to take a long time. We have received positive and negative comments about it. I don't think I have ever launched a new show when that has not been the case," she told BBC Radio 4's Feedback programme on Friday.

"I talk to George a lot - he left a message for me last night. I'm going to see him this week about the show. He wants to make it, as do I, the best show it can possibly be but I think it's a pretty good show actually," Douglas said.

"What's happened with George is that he is getting a lot more listener response and interactivity around the show than there was before.

"If you heard George talking about rave and dance there is a passion. It's less intellectual an approach to music but it's still about passion and love of music at its heart."

Less intellectual is one way of describing it - anyone who listens to the "interviews" with the bands who do Hub Sessions have to curl their fingers and toes so tightly to get through the segments they start to resemble stigmatics. Chan Marshall was repeatedly badgered as to if she kissed a co-star "with tongues... with tongues... with tongues" - apparently, this is the sort of thing that Douglas expects to attract more female listeners to the station.

The real problem with Lamb, of course, is that once you realise he's actually Matt Crawford from the Archers, you can't take him seriously at all.

"Now, Mr Proby, these claims for trouser repairs..."

It's unclear if a massive blue circle appeared over him, like in the telly adverts, but PJ Proby has been interviewed in connection with benefit fraud. Proby denies any fraud has taken place; his Worcestershire home was raided last Summer but there have been no charges or arrests.

Q readers, HMV shoppers crown Oasis

Another bout of voting - this time organised by Q and HMV - has created what is supposed to be a bout of Britain's favourite British albums:

1. Definitely Maybe - Oasis
2. (What's The Story) Morning Glory? - Oasis
3. OK Computer - Radiohead
4. Revolver - The Beatles
5. The Stone Roses - The Stone Roses
6. Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles
7. London Calling - The Clash
8. Under The Iron Sea - Keane
9. Dark Side Of The Moon - Pink Floyd
10. Urban Hymns - The Verve

Yes. What are we to make of a list which suggests there are only seven albums in the last fifty years which are superior to Keane's Under The Iron Sea?

Paul Rees, who edits Q these days, suggests that this proves something about Oasis:

"It's clear that, having polled three times more votes than any other act, Oasis are undoubtedly the nation's most loved band."

Is it? Or does it show that - given the age of profile of HMV shoppers and Q readers - the dominant bellowing of their youth is now judged to be "better" than anything else?

Rees somehow then extrapolates from his decision that Oasis have stood some sort of test of time that this means the current records on the list will have to, too:

"Similarly, it's evident just who music fans believe the classic and most enduring British acts of each era to be.

"And, by that measure, the likes of Keane, Arctic Monkeys, Muse and Amy Winehouse have emerged in recent years to be seen as genuinely classic artists in the eyes of the people that matter most - those who buy music."

On the other hand, it would have been nice to have seen a poll of people who actually love music instead.

The most notable thing about this list, though, isn't the presence of Oasis at the top, but that out of the entire fifty albums, the only woman at all is Winehouse's appearance down the list at 35. Either you believe that no British woman has made a really excellent album, ever, or else you might have to question the methodology of the poll.

Gordon in the morning: Cole delivered daily

Now, let's see. Thursday - too thin. Friday - looking good. Saturday - too thin, again. That means we'd expect Bizarre to be returning to work this morning announcing how good she's looking.

Lynsey Haywood turns up, as if by clockwork:

SEXY CHERYL COLE shows cheating hubby ASHLEY exactly what he’s missing on a Hollywood night out.

The Girls Aloud singer dressed to impress in a peach outfit with band-mates KIMBERLEY WALSH and NICOLA ROBERTS.

Cheryl Cole might be the first person in history whose weight has crashed up and down without changing at all.

Gordon himself has a piece about Lily Allen still being on good terms with Ed Simons:

LILY ALLEN set tongues wagging that she and ED SIMONS were back on – by wearing a ring on her engagement finger.
[...]
But I can confirm that the pair are NOT back together.

What we like about this is the dismissive way Smart tuts at "tongues wagging", which seems something of a high-minded position for a man who is a professional tongue wagger.

There's also claims that - rather than snout or tinned pineapples, it's now signed photos of Amy Winehouse which forms the basic unit of currency in Britain's jails:

JUST when you think he can’t get any worse, prison cell rat BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL slips right under your expectations.

The jailed junkie is such a loser that he is using wife AMY WINEHOUSE’s fame to feed his habit by trading signed pics of her for hits of heroin from other lags.

How much more of this rubbish will she take?

How much more of this rubbish will he print, more to the point. Who takes a pile of signed photos of their wife into prison with them? Or has Blake has Amy nip out of rehab to drop them off? And wouldn't Amy have known that - had he taken a bunch of signed pictures inside with him - he was going to use them for trades?

More to the point, does Gordon really expect us to believe that the lags are swapping hard-smuggled smack for signed photos? A quick glance at eBay shows that the only signed Amy photographs which have any value at all come with a certificate of authentication. Perhaps Blake is knocking these out in his cell, too, with an illicit potato and ink made from prison dust and tears?

Craig David hates the Brits

Apparently the Brits aren't that good. It's not just us saying that, but an expert. Craig David, no less:

The star, who was nominated for six gongs in 2001 [...] said he had now "lost interest" in the event, which is being held on Wednesday.

"It's great for artists who pick up awards, but in terms of representing what's really going on, I think they've missed the eight-ball," he said.

Of course, part - all the reason - for Craig believing this is that when he was nominated for all those awards, he didn't win one of them.

This, Craig has decided (apparently after thinking about it for seven years), proves what a farrago the whole affair is:

"The year that I was nominated for six, I couldn't have sold any more records or had any more number ones," David, 26, told the BBC News website.

"To still not pick up one proved to me that however the voting system is and whatever the excuses were made, it just didn't really represent what was going on."

Although, if anything, the decision to ignore David actually is one of the rare occasions of the Brits awards getting it right - normally, a briefly successful but not especially talented artist is lauded even as the dumper door is giving way beneath them. The weakness of Brits judging is the years The Darkess and Scissor Sisters go home with an armful, not the time Craig went home empty-handed.

After all, history has proved that in terms of knowing what was going on, Craig was as much in the dark as the Brits.

There was a time when Embrace would have been top ten...

Anthony Thornton's Serande This has conducted a survey* and drawn up a list of the ten most hated bands in the world.

What it throws into relief is how, once a band is hated, it can take a lot longer for that bile to disappear than it does for the love to evaporate: Hard-Fi, Athlete and Keane all appear to still make people rummage about for sharp objects and loose cobbles to hurl, whereas you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who used to love them desperate to build a case on their behalf these days. Likewise, although Kula Shaker aren't there, it's probably only in the last eighteen months or so they've started to stop haunting people's nightmares.

* - Settle down, Ben Goldacre, he makes no claim to scientific methodology.

Rhode Island survivors victimised again - because of musical taste

There's been no end of press coverage these last five years of the legal battles to pin blame for the Rhode Island nightclub fire. Less thought has been given to the people who got caught in the inferno, as a piece in the New York Times points out. The paper says that, for many, they're caught waiting for a legal settlement, still suffering from the effects of being trapped in a burning building - and finding a lack of sympathy:

“Most people don’t understand that a burn injury is a life injury,” said Ms. Fisher, 38, who gets a Social Security disability payment of about $1,000 a month. “If they think about us at all, it’s probably, ‘They must be all better, so why aren’t they back to work?’ ”

There's some suggestion that the nature of the band who caused the fire has reduced both the victims' visibility, and support for them:

Many believe the circumstances of their misfortune — that they were blue-collar folks gathered in a scruffy club to hear Great White, a has-been “hair metal” band from the ’80s — also help explain the lack of interest.
[...]
“We were waitresses, house painters, contractors, strippers,” said Victoria Eagan, who escaped the fire with minor injuries but whose two best friends were badly burned. “If it had been people at the opera that night, there would have been a big difference.”

Dee Snider is doing a benefit gig for the Station Family Fund, and he agrees that the heavy metal angle isn't exactly a help:

“I’ve tried to get this away from being about hair bands, about heavy metal, and to make this a people issue,” Mr. Snider said. “Since nobody else is going to do it, it’s got to be musicians, all kinds of musicians, taking care of their own and reminding people this could have happened to anyone.”

You can find the Station Family Fund online.

[Part of the Rhode Island nightclub coverage]

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet

The mighty John Naughton points his Observer column at BPI Chief Executive Geoofrey Taylor's claim that 'For years, ISPs have built a business on other people's music':

Just for the record, ISPs have indeed 'built a business'. They've done it by providing an internet connection for upwards of a billion individuals and businesses across the planet.

This business has created what now amounts to a global nervous system. It enables tens of thousands of companies and millions of customers across the world to engage in online commerce worth many billions of dollars annually.

It allows upwards of a sixth of the world's population to communicate via email, instant messaging and internet telephony. It enables cancer sufferers, carers of parents with Alzheimer's, victims of torture and repression to find information, support and fellowship in their darkest hours. It makes it possible for every car owner in Britain to pay his or her road tax online.

It gives every citizen free access to Hansard and government publications. It enables children to access the greatest encyclopedia ever created. Oh, and it also enables some people illicitly to share copyrighted material, including songs.

Having reduced the BPI to a smouldering mess, he then dances around a little on the ashes.

Curse you, Sweeping The Nation

We'd been playing with the idea of doing a weekend of Snub TV YouTubery in the next week or so. Sweeping The Nation have beaten us to it.

Raze the Carpenter's roof-beams

Things estate agents don't mention when you're looking for a house will include the possibility that the neighbours sit on their patio in their pants until four am singing Nizlopi songs, that the local kids use your street for drag-racing at weekends, and that Karen Carpenter collapsed there and, as a consequence, you'll get a stream of fans pouring up your driveway to have a bit of a nose ("to pay their respects").

It's the latter problem which is afflicting Manuel and Blanca Melendez Parra, who live in what was Richard and Karen Carpenter's childhood home. They can cope with birds suddenly appearing, but they're growing tired of tourists suddenly appearing every time they have breakfast.

They want to pull the house down and start again. This, of course, has upset the Carpenters fans; they're campaigning for the local council in Downey to make the house a historic site.

If we were the Parras, we'd rely on walking around naked. That should stop people peeking in through the drapes.

Heather Mills: By the one who knows her best

Naturally, the Sunday papers are lining up to have a bit of a kickaround with Heather Mills, lead by the Mail On Sunday which invites us into her secret world:

Heather is demanding and gives out orders, sometimes clicking her fingers, and she can be abrupt and grand.

She'd say to Lizzie: "Can you get me soup?" or "Can you get me water?"

Once she said: "Can you rearrange my bras in colour co-ordination?"

And who is it who is letting us see this glimpse of Heather's life.

Erm...

Someone who'd pop in from time to time to do her nails.

It's interesting that a woman who makes her living by filing other people's nails should be surprised that her clients are the sort of people who have staff and don't like performing simple tasks for themselves.

Why has the manicurist suddenly revealed these details to the Mail On Sunday, though? Oh, yes, but besides the cheque:

I was meant to see Heather last Saturday but she texted me to cancel saying, "I'll call you when it's all over."

It's been a pleasure to know her and I wish her well. But if I don't see her again it won't be a great loss. She always kept me waiting and never apologised.

Hell, it seems, hath no fury like a nail-painter scorned.

Showbiz Zoe peeks at The Brits

Zoe - the self-appointed youngest and coolest of the Fleet Street tattlers - is excited by the prospects of the Brits. First, she claims that Winehouse is going to be dosed up on Methadone for her Brits performance:

Medics decided not to put crack and heroin addict Amy through cold turkey - and have chosen to prop her up on pills and potions instead.

It's only a short term solution to her drug demons. But at least it's working for now.

Of course, if it's true, a half-decent journalist might actually do a little more than dismiss this as "pills and potions". They might, for example, ask if dosing someone up with a class A drug and pushing them onstage at a music business event on live television is fair to anyone; they might point to the piss-poor effectiveness of methadone and wonder if it's entirely ethical to provide someone with a quick fix purely so that she can go and sell some records on ITV rather than embarking on a slower approach that might have better chance of success.

Zoe also "reveals" that Paul McCartney is going on last at the prizegiving.

Biggest star? Closing the show? Whoeverwouldevthought, eh?

This week just gone

Top content, ignoring visitors hoping purely to see cocks and tits, this week:

1. Daily Mail discovers Jools Holland doesn't spend News Year Eve playing boogie-woogie
2. School tells pupils 'get single into chart if you want to come to lunchtime gig'
3. Amy Winehouse wins some Grammys - world hails the new Christopher Cross
4. RIP Joaquin Tavares
5. Amy Winehouse's "ex-lover" tells all
6. GCap shutters The Jazz, Planet Rock, flogs off XFM
7. When will Chinese Democracy be released?
8. Robbie Williams loves Keira Knightley, possibly
9. Ireland plans to send a turkey to Eurovision
10. Camden Market on fire

Flogging things:


Simon Breed - The Smitten King Laments


Various - Rough Trade Counter Culture 2007 Superior compilation - Battles, Of Montreal, Julian Cope...


Bob Mould - District Line


Black Tide - Light From Above


Emily Loizeau - L'Autre Bout Du Monde Second coming, second push for the album


Robyn Hitchcock - Show Cat


Antarctica Takes It - The Penguin League


Goldfrapp - A&E


Morrissey - Greatest Hits Ooh, who's the faded former icon he's chosen for the album cover this time... someone off Them Next Door, isn't it?

Blake's near-death experience

And so, the inevitable pendulum swings back to focus on Blake Fielder-Civil. With Amy having had the fastest shrug-off of crack addiction in medical history, it's Blake's turn to be hammering on death's door, with the News of the World panting this morning:

Amy Winehouse's hubby in overdose

Except that's not actually what the story says:

Blake Fielder-Civil was rushed to the jail's hospital block when he collapsed in agony after taking what he thought was heroin.
[...]
A probe was launched and prison officers found he had taken a drug believed to be heroin, mixed with a toxic substance.

So, that wouldn't actually be an overdose, would it? That's more a poisoning than an overdose, isn't it?

The News does suggest he's been caning a bit lately:

Just days before the overdose he was hauled in front of prison bosses for failing THREE random drug tests. He was locked in solitary as a punishment, but was soon back in search of a fix.

Hang on a moment, though - if we assume this poisoning took place on Friday, and "days" before he'd failed the third in a series of drug tests, this suggests that he's been taking heroin inside for a good couple of weeks. But didn't we read a couple of weeks back in a reliable newspaper - in his own words, nonetheless - that he'd gone cold turkey and was off drugs inside? Now, what was the newspaper that so badly mislead its readers? Oh, yes: The News of the World.

Kitten: We were right to keep out Katona

Natasha Hamilton has defended not inviting Kerry Katona back for the recent Atomic Kitten reunion:

Well, she left the band, didn't she? When we stopped the band, it was me, Jenny and Liz, so that's how we'll proceed in the future."

Let's try not to worry too much about the threat implicit in the last few words there, and just wonder if Hamilton is, perhaps, playing up to the stereotype by pretending not to quite grasp the concept of a "reunion".

Had Katona been invited, the record would have been worse than it was; but the extra press interest might have managed to flog a few more. And it was meant to be for charity, wasn't it?

Dead Prez gig ends in microriot

The Dead Prez date at Evergreen State University ended in a riot after members of the audience questioned conduct of police officers. The cops were taking a man into custody following a fight when a group gathered, first taunting the officers and then blocking their exit.

More police came out to help the campus police, and - after the arrested man was released to defuse the situation - it looked like things might calm down. Unfortunately, the police couldn't then start their own car. And it all kicked off.

Apparently, Dead Prez didn't help matters, either:

After the arrest, [Trooper Brandy Kessler of the Washington State Patrol] said, a member of the hip-hop group reportedly told the crowd, “They’re taking one of our people. Go take care of it.”

“It sounds like the band may have been encouraging them a little,” she said.

Perhaps ironically, the fight appears to have started after gig security ejected the guy from the concert for smoking cannabis - which makes it seem less like the police were taking one of "their" people as arresting someone who had attacked one of theirs.

Amongst all the turmoil, a police laptop was stolen from the car - interesting privacy questions raised there although nobody seems that bothered; State officials are confident they can identifty, arrest and charge rioters.

Shakira and Beckham take on Chavez

The cancellation of a gig by Alejandro Sanz, after he'd criticised Hugo Chavez, was meant to have been a quiet cancellation. Not now, unfortunately, as celebrities have got involved. Shakira, David Beckham and "music's Ricky Martin" have signed a letter calling on the singer to not be silenced.

Actually, though, he hasn't really been silenced - he's just been refused permission to play at a state-owned stadium. It's not acceptable that the government should cancel the date because Sanz called for a referendum on recalling Chavez from the presidency, but from the reports we've seen, he's not being banned from performing, only from performing at a venue underwritten by the state he disapproves of. It's not so much a question of censorship as whether Chavez is using state property as if he was a media company CEO.

The sudden media interest in a gig in Valenzuela was, of course, in no way an attempt to move the news agenda on from the awkward resignation of Spielberg from the Olympics.

There was a time when your life did briefly intersect with that of someone quite famous, wasn't there?

We don't know what's more heartbreaking in this headline from the Glenrothes Gazette:

Pop star in Glenrothes

The implication that a pop star - any pop star - coming to Glenrothes is, of itself, an event; or the realisation that Faye Tozer is now so obscure her job title is considered more of a pull than her name.

It gets even more heartbreaking: Tozer is playing Eva Cassidy in a musical. Yes, that would be a rotating sound coming from that graveyard.