Glastonbury 2013: Rocks off

Okay, I'm prepared to believe the sole reason for getting The Rolling Stones to play Glastonbury was so they could be satirically scheduled straight after Primal Scream.

Gordon in the morning: Of course Robbie has responded

After yesterday's whining from Liam Gallagher because Robbie Williams can still draw an audience, today Williams has launched a counter slavo.

It's like a few weeks ago when Nigel Lawson popped up to share his opinions on something. He was very angry but... it was like listening to someone having an argument down the street and round the corner. As is this spat.

Still, kudos to Robbie for focusing where it hurts most - the music:

Robbie said: “The interviews are better than the records at the minute. I really enjoy the interviews. Liam is like an episode of Star Stories.” He then laid into some of the songs on new Beady Eye album BE, saying: “The production is really good. There are a couple of tunes that would have been f***ing amazing if they had a chorus.

“Flick Of The Finger, nearly a great tune. Start Anew, if that had a chorus, but there is no chorus.”

Seriously, though, lads: It's reached the stage now like the sixth of seventh time Ken Barlow and Mike Baldwin went at on Corrie. It's starting to look less like a feud, and more like codependency.

Still on the Steps

Wasn't Ian Watkins trying to move away from the curse of having been H a while back?

How is that going?

Yes, not only are the producers worried that "Ian Watkins" and his face don't have much brand recognition, but even after putting "H" into his name, they're still so nervous that they have to call him

Ian H Watkins H FROM STEPS

Let's hope ticket sales go well, otherwise they're going to have to add "You know, they did that Bee Gees cover, and he was on Big Brother" onto the posters.

Embed and breakfast man: Chvrches

Look! Chvrches on Jimmy Fallon's show. (Trigger warning: may feature pre-roll advert for crisps, but being described as chips)

Warped tour "now more like Chuck E Cheese than ever"

Warped Tour's target audience has been getting younger and younger with each passing year; now they're aiming so low that they've introduced a Legoland-style 'free adult ticket with every kid's ticket' deal.

At this rate, we're expecting Peppa Pig to be headlining in 2015.

Ha ha Har Mar Superstar not a replacement Replacement

Yesterday, Har Mar Superstar tweeted that he was going to be the new Replacements guitarist.

Spin ran this news as fact.

They've updated their story a little now:

Har Mar Superstar Didn't Join the Replacements

Update: It never made much sense anyway

Yeah, it never made any sense at all, although that didn't stop Spin announcing they'd confirmed the surprise signing. I wonder what the 'confirmation' process was - "it's obviously bollocks, but on the other hand that time two of Spandau Ballet signed for Melchester Rovers, but that really happened. On which basis..."

For those of you who have trouble remembering which one is Andrew WK, and which is Har Mar Superstar, here's a simple mnemonic: It doesn't matter.

Now that's how you do a tribute...

Bruce Springsteen plays the whole of Born To Run as a tribute to James Gandolfini. The album, not the song.

I'm not sure it quite balances out an entire day of people on Twitter making weak 'his name sounds like Gandalf out the fairy tale' jokes, but it's a hell of a tribute.

Gordon in the morning: Liam's humiliation

It's obviously humiliating for Liam Gallagher that in Manchester - Manchester - Beaky Eye are only able to book gigs in the size of room you'd hire for the funeral tea for an unpopular Uncle.

You know what you might want to not do in those circumstances? Come across like a whiny boo-hoo, complaining and drawing attention to your reduced circumstances by pointing at another act who is doing so much better than you.

When did Liam ever get it right, though?

Gordon Smart bottles the bitterness:

Liam lost his rag as his band BEADY EYE played Manchester’s 1,500-capacity Ritz while Robbie chalked off another sold-out show in front of 60,000 at Manchester City’s home ground.

Williams is playing three nights there. Given that Gallagher has drawn attention to the difference, remember that he'd have to play a solid four months of gigs at the Ritz to reach the same number of fans Williams is playing to in Manchester.

Speaking on 5 Live, [Gallagher] ranted: “We should be playing the Etihad three nights (sic), not some f***ing fat f***ing idiot.

Quite why Gallagher believes he has a right to play in the Man City ground isn't clear, but given the size of his audience, he certainly could. He could even do it the same night as Williams plays - Robbie in the main part of the stadium; Captain Beaky could take on the kit room.

But as his consciousness streams, Gallagher realises who the real villans are. People. People who steadfastly refuse to give a flying fuck about his twilight band:

“Poor, mate. It’s not about him, it’s people in general. But it is about f***ing him, just in case you think I’m scared or something.

“It’s a small gig. Beady Eye ain’t a big band.

“Everyone thinks we’re going to announce big f***ing stadiums. That (The Ritz) is the level we’re at and we’ll stay at that until you pull your f***ing finger out and buy the f***ing records.”

You know what, Liam? If you want people to buy your records, you might want to try making them... well, let's start with 'not lazy shit', shall we?

Admitting, tangentially, that nobody's interested in Beady Eye

There's little surprise that Beady Eye are trying to interest fans by the prospect of playing some songs people might know:

The Liam Gallagher-fronted rock band will dust off tracks made famous by the singer's previous band with brother Noel Gallagher on their UK tour, which kicked off in Manchester yesterday (19.06.13).
Pondering which songs they may play, guitarist Gem Archer is quoted by The Sun newspaper as saying: ''They're always there and we know that we can use them. I'm sure a lot of fans would want to hear them. 'Hung in a Bad Place' would be a good one live, as would 'The Meaning of Soul'.

Yeah, or, you know: the hits. The Oasis hits.

You could also try billing yourself like this:
Liam Gallagher out of
Oasis
and the Beady Eyes

Turning rebellion into money

Dying Scene have compiled a list of the richest punks. They're using 'punk' in the divider-in-Target-CD-rack sense than any meaningful sense, so Blink 182 come out at the top of the list.

[via Louder Than War]

Yodelobit: Slim Whitman

One of the men who was in my Dad's small record collection when I was a small son, Slim Whitman, has died.

Whitman - born Otis Dewey Whitman in 1921 - had originally been heading towards a career in baseball, but like many of his generation, a spell in the forces changed his life. Serving in the US Navy, he'd filled downtime playing guitar and on his return to civilian life, he started to pick up slots on local radio, eventually landing a regular role on the Louisiana Hayride programme. Colonel Tom Parker arranged a first record in 1948

Whitman's career burned brightest in the early 1950s - his cover of The Love Song Of The Waterfall was first a crossover pop hit, and then crossed the Atlantic be a UK hit as well. Fashion would move on - the arrival of Elvis sucked away first much of Whitman's pop fanbase, then his country fans - but he continued playing, if not recording.

A Greatest Hits collection and a willingness to play live allowed for a comfortable semi-retirement. His last UK tour was in 2002, but in 2011 Whitman did produce one final studio album, Twilight On The Trail. (There remain six unreleased recordings from the sessions, apparently, so he might manage a posthumous album.)

Slim Whitman was 90. He died June 19th from heart failure.

And Slim? I remember you.

Gordon in the morning: TV company pay for overnight accommodation shocker

Here's a surprise. It appears The Sun's TV editor Colin Robertson doesn't realise that TV productions pay people's accommodation costs if working on them takes them away from home. Otherwise, why would he think this is a story:

THE BBC is shelling out nearly £15,000 in licence fee cash to put up The Voice star Sir Tom Jones in London’s posh Savoy Hotel.

That's London's posh Savoy Hotel, just so you don't confuse it with the Savoy Hotels in London that aren't posh.

I suppose you could argue that Tom could have been put up in a Premier - after all, if it's good enough for Lenny Henry and all...

But even more surprising is Colin admits his opening sentence is a lie further down the article:

The show’s production company Wall To Wall is said to be handling the payments using the £11million budget handed to it by the BBC.

Ah. So, the BBC isn't actually spending anything on Tom's hotel; it's coming from Wall To Wall's margins and even if Tom slept in the street, it wouldn't make any difference at all to the sum the Corporation is paying (sorry, "handing over") for the series.

[Quick hint to Colin, by the way: Prince Alwaleed bin Talal owns the Savoy. He also owns a fairly big chunk of your newspaper's parent company.]

Of course they are

This is, sadly, not satire.

Kelly Osbourne still going on about Lady GaGa

There's no way that Kelly Osbourne is secretly thrilled that she had a spat with Lady GaGa about two years ago.

You might recall Kelly, whose job now appears to be commentating on people walking up to a door, was angry because Lady GaGa didn't walk up to the door on Grammys night back in 2012.

Of course, you don't recall that, because why would you? Which is why Kelly is desperately still banging on about how terrible it was for her, and the opprobrium she received merely for complaining that GaGa didn't walk up a red carpet before an event. So bad, she's still not over it, apparently.

HMV downsizes

This is interesting - as part of the frantic restructuring Hilco are doing to try and save HMV, the chain is going to give its flagship store to Foot Locker, and move into Foot Locker's old Oxford Street store.

It's full circle for HMV, with the 'new' shop actually being their original Oxford Street flagship. It's also a comedown, as the store is only a third the size of the one they're leaving.

Gordon in the morning: The price of fame

Understandably, Gordon has little time for Pete Doherty's explanation of why he's no longer with Kate Moss:

Pete insisted: “Maybe we could have lasted forever.

“When I met her she was just a girl from south London that I fell in love with. But it wasn’t an easy love.

“In a different world, at a different time – if we hadn’t become famous it might have worked.
“But with all the people around us it just couldn’t. They didn’t want us together.”

Gordon points out that it could also be something to do with him running out on an expensive drug rehab programme that Moss had sprung for.

You've got to love the claim that she was "just a girl from South London". Which is odd, because normally someone who is "just a girl from South London" wouldn't be holding a party in their ten bedroom, grade II listed Cotswold second home, would they?

Ozzy Osbourne isn't so daft

It's generally accepted that during the period of The Osbournes, Ozzy was further out than Stevie Smith on a boogie board. Perhaps not, though:

The Black Sabbath rocker claims he ''never watched one f****ing episode'' of his MTV reality show.

Not so stupid, then.

Status Quo: At current prices

We've heard many, many stories of Status Quo's drug years, and the Telegraph is happy to go through some of them again.

But this being the Telegraph, there's an acknowledgement of the interests of their readers:

Indeed Rossi, who formed the band, originally named the Spectres, with his south London school friend Alan Lancaster in 1962, appears never to have questioned how much he was spending on drugs once the band became successful.

He said: “I used to spend £1,200 a week on cocaine, which again doesn’t sound like that much now.”

When it was pointed out to him that the sum amounted to £1.69 million over a decade at today’s prices, he admitted that with hindsight he wished he had not indulged quite so recklessly.

Yes, the paper works out the actual investment the band made in drugs, and uprated it to 2013 prices.

Although the writer, Patrick Sawer, does seem to have used the slightly risky assumption that Rossi bought the same amount of drucks week in, week out, for 520 weeks.

So tell us, Patrick, having burned through all that potential cash must have left Rossi in penury, right?

Rossi - whose fortune is estimated at between £2 and £10m - said his most costly outlays nowdays are his eight children and their education.

There's a chilling warning for the kids: if you spend your cash on drugs when you're young, you might end up with so much cash nobody even seems able to count it.

This week just gone

What people were reading five years ago today:

1. Inevitably, the R Kelly sex video story that hung around forever
2. RIP: Joaquin Tavares
3. Robbie Williams' first love
4. McFly remove their pants
5. Video: Suede at Reading 1997
6. News Of The World's damp Amy Winehouse kiss-and-tell
7. RIP Nick Sanderson
8. Robbie Williams heads off to space
9. Mojo Awards hail Duffy
10. Luke Pritchard (you remember, from The Kooks [you remember, 'Ooh La {you remember "you feel that itch in your petticoat" No?}]) imagines himself having sex with Carmen Electra

Interesting release alerts:


Eleanor Freidberger - Personal Record

Download Last Summer



Polysics - Wheeeeeeee!!!!

Download Wheeee!!!



These New Puritans - Field of Reeds

Download Field Of Reeds



Boards Of Canada - Tomorrow's Harvest

Download Tomorrow's Harvest

Congratulations to PJ Harvey

Congratulations to PJ Harvey, on becoming an MBE. Twenty-five year career. A fitting reward.

On this basis, Adele should probably expect to get a letter inviting her to pick up an MBE in 2031.

What? What?

Kim Deal quits the Pixies

Kim Deal has left the Pix... hang on, what?

Are you sure, USA Today?

The Pixies have not toured together since fall 2011 and last released original music in 2004.
[...]
No future plans have been announced by the remaining Pixies members, which include Black Francis, David Lovering and Joey Santiago.

What exactly has she "left"? Shouldn't this statement read "Kim Deal has gotten tired of sitting around waiting for something to happen"?

Embed and breakfast man: Adam Ant

It's Saturday. That's all the excuse we need for Adam Ant on Swap Shop. Includes a segment of Adam and Noel talking about the recession:



Do not phone or write. This is a recording.

Shocking news from East Grinstead

Oh no!

Yes, there are "For Sale" signs outside Peter Andre's house, and East Grinstead is in pre-emptive mourning:

The news will undoubtedly come as a shock to the pop star's legion of fans who had grown used to spotting him in and around the town.

Strictly speaking, Andre lives in Dormansland, which isn't even in the same county. But given that he's not bothered the Top Ten since 2009, Andre's not really a pop star, either.

Gordon in the morning: The ghost of a chance

To be fair, Gordon's not connected with the front page of the Sun today; it's down to Pete Samson, currently US editor of the - shall we call it - publication?.

You've probably already seen this, as the world has been convulsing with laughter at the final demise of the Sun as a newspaper since the first edition came out:

Yes, that's right. The Sun's big front page splash comes from a ghost.

And not just a ghost, but a ghost addressing a court via the medium of a former partner of Lionel Ritchie:

MICHAEL Jackson’s death has been declared an accident — by his own GHOST, a court heard.
Jacko, 50, was said to have told Lionel Richie’s ex Brenda that he inadvertently killed himself.

Being even-handed, the ghost of Larry Lamb has been in contact with us (via someone who once had their breasts brushed by Mark Morrison) to point out that it's not as if Pete Samson is claiming that he's had an interview with the moonwalking spectre, and in effect this is simply court reporting.

It's probable that the idea was to have a bit of a guffaw at the very idea that the CEO of AEG, Randy Philips, would trot this guff out under oath:

AEG Live CEO Randy Phillips stunned the wrongful death trial by claiming Jacko had insisted from beyond the grave that his death was an accident — and cleared Dr Murray.

He told jurors at Los Angeles County Superior Court: “Brenda called me to tell me that she was in communications with Michael, either through a medium or directly.

“She said Michael told her it wasn’t Dr Murray’s fault — that he had accidentally killed himself.”

Many in the court burst into laughter, but judge Yvette Palazuelos let the testimony STAND.

It's not clear why this testimony would have stood - it's not even second hand. And it comes from a ghost.

Unfortunately for Samson, his piece has been overpromoted to the front page and presented in such a way that makes it look like the paper believes Jackson's ghost is sending messages from beyond the grave.

And given the low-attention culture which The Sun has done a good part to foster, most people will go away with that impression, too.

Status Quo make a new friend

-Remind me why we're doing this, Rick
-It's simple. Brian May's got the mammals all tied up. We can't compete with him on mammals. But Staus Quo will rule the seas.

Slightly drier interpretation of this photo from the Evening Argus.

Warner Chappell faces unhappy returns

Warner Chappell has had a nice little business going over the last few years, collecting money from the rights it owned to the song Happy Birthday. Even Nancy Reagan singing it to Ronnie once got a terse demand for cash dispatched to broadcasting networks.

Except... maybe they don't own the rights at all. Filmaker Jennifer Nelson was asked to pay to include the song in a documentary she was making. But rather than hand over the cash - USD1500! - she started to dig. And she's not sure the song belongs in copyright:

Nelson's company Good Morning to You Productions Corp claimed: "Irrefutable documentary evidence, some dating to 1893, shows that the copyright to Happy Birthday to You, if there ever was a valid copyright to any part of the song, expired no later than 1921". Their class-action lawsuit, filed on 13 June, directly challenges Warner/Chappell's ownership of the song, whereby the publishers collect thousands of dollars every time a film, TV show or musical act buys a licence to perform it.

It could be expensive for Warner Chappell if a judgement goes against them - they'll have to return all that cash they've been raking in for years; and it could be as much as fifty million dollars.

Songbird falls silent

Open Source music player, Songbird, has finally got to the bottom of the over-optimistic USD11million invested in it, and has closed.

Gordon in the morning: Ripped from the headlines

For reasons I can't quite work out, Gordon Smart reproduces Craig David's keep-fit tips at great length this morning.

At first it seems like he's just chortling:

CRAIG David has tweeted this ripped snap of himself to encourage fans to stick to their goals.

He accompanied it with a lengthy sermon on how the old image – capturing Craig at his physical peak – inspires him to stay focused on his fitness objectives.

The British singer – who recently returned to his Miami home following a world tour – revealed he’s got the pic saved on his phone in a folder called Stay Focused.

Every time he feels tempted to stray from his strict diet and exercise regime, he looks at the photo to put himself back on track.

And he advised his Twitter followers to do the same, whatever their ambitions.

But if this is intended to be snarky - and frankly, how could it not be? - Smart then goes on to reproduce David's waffle at such great length it's almost like he's endorsing it.

Here's a taste:

“I just go to this photo on my phone...under the folder ‘Stay Focused’ which reminds me instantly to get back on track and in this case reminds me how good it feels when I achieve my goal and don't listen to my ‘old inner weakness’ voice trying to remind me of how I used to be! Trust me it works!!!

Just to be clear: the goal he's working towards is fitness, even if it does sound like he's using a photo of himself where perhaps an earlier generation might have reached for a copy of Razzle.

Here's a quick look at that photo of the Prime Of Mr Craig David, to see if it makes the rest of us inspired:

Bloc Party go back on hiatus

In case you hadn't noticed, Bloc Party came out of hiatus last year. But apparently, like some sort of indie Punxsutawney Phil, they didn't see their own shadows, and they're returning to their burrows.

Liam Gallagher wants The Smiths to reform for... reasons

Liam Gallagher wants the Smiths to reform:

"I'd like to see The Smiths. I never seen 'em."

Wow, so you'd force Mozzer and Marr and the two lawnmower-ones back onto stage together? You must have been a big fan, then?

"I weren't a big fan."

Oh.

So... erm, why do you want them to reunite so badly?

"I know all the f***ing songs because my brother was into them."

That's not an especially good reason for wanting a band to reform. I can remember the lyrics to most of the 1980s Fruit And Fibre adverts, but that doesn't mean I want to force Ross Kemp to do this again:

Okay, actually, I'd love to see Ross Kemp do that, but you get my point.

Liam puffs his pipe and recalls the day the Smiths fell apart:

I remember when they split up, man. People were proper running around like headless chickens in Manchester.

Really? You were 14 when that happened, weren't you? And how exactly did the "headless chicken running" manifest itself?