Sue the Bush twins

Well, the RIAA has always wanted to have some high-profile, headline-grabbing targets to sue to stress the importance of respecting copyright. Now, a Florida lawyer, Mitchell Silverman has sent them a request that they do just that:

As you will see from the attached article from today’s The Miami Herald, President George W. Bush’s daughters made him a presumably illegal compilation CD, a so-called “mix CD,” as a Father’s Day present. As the article, at http://www.miamiherald.com/692/story/142726.html states, “[President] Bush's twin daughters, gave him [as a Father’s Day present] a CD they had made for him to listen to while exercising.”

This is a serious violation of copyright. As you know, whichever of your member organizations that are right-holders for the copied musical works may be entitled to statutory damages of $150,000.00 per musical work copied.

I hope and expect that you at the RIAA will display the same vigor in prosecuting this matter and protecting the rights of your rights-holders that it has displayed in enforcing those rights against other alleged violators.

You can read the full text of the letter at Mitchell's blog; he also calculates that at RIAA rates, there's about $1.8 million they should be going for.

It would also give the RIAA a chance to prove, once and for all, they only go after the poor, the weak, and those least able to defend themselves. In a legal sense.

[Thanks to Michael M for the link]

Let's sneak into my room, just to read my diaries

There's nothing like a good diary, is there - written with at least the self-deluding belief that the words are for yourself alone, and not posterity, they can be honest, and revealing, and even when they've clearly been rejigged for publication, the elisions and evasions tell a tale of their own.

On the other hand, there's Pete Doherty's journals. That he's no Dick Crossman is unsurprising; but that someone has decided the the babbling, halfwitted lower-sixth stuff is worth publishing, and that Doherty has decided it is a face he wishes to share with his public - that is surprising. At the end of a long and distinguished career, the half-thoughts and quarter-lies, delivered in the sort of faux cockney that would make even Jack White wince may stand publication with an embarrassed shrug, juvenilia to feed the academics who would welcome an edited sludge to pick through. But at this stage, though aiming for a different shelf, the publication is as misjudged, premature and self-aggrandising as Geri Halliwell or Chantelle Big Brother's autobiographies.

But don't take our word for it, The Times has got some extracts to prove our point:

Things to do

I - I must at all costs recover the £350 from dear lunatic Justin

II - I must make a concerted effort never to trust entirely another human being, Frank excepted.

III - I must strive to improve my diet. Fruit, vegetables, brown bread & water. My addiction to fried chicken has become horrifyingly close to Tabloid material.

IV - I must try to surround myself with a few more stable & sure characters, lest I allow the worst in me to be dragged out and pampered . . .

V - I must purchase a black bowler hat.

If this sort of list is really worth the paper, we'd imagine the Unigate dairy must be turning the place upside down to see if they can find an original Doherty "Extra pint and a strawberry yoghurt" note for volume two.

We met as planned outside High St Kensington Tube and walked in the cold drizzle towards the park amidst a sorry, soggy crowd of Sunday shoppers & grimacing motorists. What a pretty picture I paint . . . but so light was my spirit as I walked with her. A ballerina trained at the Royal School of Ballet she has grace, poise and an enviable body. Witty and open — but somehow on guard as well. Through Kensington Gardens in the suddenly beautiful rain. The green of this city is so sudden, so shocking, I react always as if a mile or three of this sparse open space was Arcadia itself . . .

We talked of prostitution, our mutual friends in the theatre, ballet, people passing. Then she bought me a pint. We meet again tomorrow. I’m off to hers with my guitar.

Does this really sound contemporaneous? Does anyone ever write phrases like "a ballerina trained at the Royal School of Ballet" in writing purely for themselves? That's not a diary entry, it's an on-screen caption.

Recent books

Lawrence Durrell - The Alexandra Quartet

Simone de Beauvoir — The Blood of Others

Truman Capote — Breakfast at Tiffany's

Anthony Burgess — Earthly Powers

Has the Times been slipped a dummy? Is this the work of Craig Brown?

Sooner or later, of course, Kate Moss turns up:

Last night after festivities or rather derangement of the senses in Kate’s Cannes Hotel room . . . mirrors were smashed & I covered my love & the whole room in Bloody Mary. Well now we’re on the flight back to London from Nice & that was the first “holiday” I’vhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=1930103e had in so long, well, since Prison really. Now the Boeing 767 glides us home through a fantasy of clouds.

"Fantasy of clouds" is the sort of thing that at first sounds like it might mean something, but turns out to be the sort of phrase you use when you want to say something that sounds deeper than "the sky", but can't quite think of anything.

And on it goes, and on, and on...

Aint it just my luck? It’s said that to write in red is all bad luck upon the writer’s head . . . and oh no, fuck, every night I’ve been writing in blood red blood and now the nick is all in sight again: could it be with the lighter dim . . .

As with much of Doherty's work, there are some arresting ideas and startling images, but they're lost under a mountain of pages that should have been discarded. There are many things that Doherty needs; most of all, he needs an editor.

Blunt back

We'd been hoping that James Blunt might have elected to spend a life standing next to supermodels and living off the residuals from that You're Beautiful song, but it seems he's decided to make another record. And, like a politician before the local elections, he's carefully managing expectations downwards:

"For me, there was absolutely no pressure whatsoever. Having sold over 11 million albums, I know that the likelihood of doing that again is really minimal. Instead of setting that as a target, I set out to do and record something that I really enjoy, that I'm really happy with. It was a release, in a way. It's something that I can say shows my growth and a development as a songwriter and as a musician, shows development in my own life, and documents it in that way."

The development in my own life, eh? We're expecting something along the lines of:

I got a bit of money
And a sniff of fame as well
I rang my long-term girlfriend
and told her 'go to hell'

Now I'm dating models
The sort who'd never look twice
If I didn't have a wallet
That makes me seem more nice

Although we suspect we should brace ourselves for another bloody album of "it does your head in, suddenly having more money than you know what to do with."

The Basement will rise again

... actually, hang on a moment, it's a basement, so presumably it will sink again? Anyway, The Basement, Manchester's community hub-cum-social centre-cum-cafe, was recently a casualty in the big Northern Quarter fire, so its team are engaged in a process of rebuilding.

As part of the work, there's to be a benefit gig on July 22nd featuring the best in Americana and alt country. The location is still to be announced, but keeping an eye on the The Basement's rebuild website is probably the best bet to keep up-to-date.

We don't know how pop stars suffer

Keith Allen's daughter's dad is helpfully undermining her by admitting that she's finding it a bit of a slog, reports ConnectMusic:

Keith admits the singer is struggling in America on her own - and insists the public aren't aware how tough being a top pop star really is. He says, "She's completely exhausted."

"It's really hard, that fucking industry. People don't realise how fucking mind-numbing it is."

A group of early morning shift hotel cleaners, moved to hear of poor Lily's mind-numbingly hard life, have offered to have a whip-round to buy a small gift to cheer Lily up: "Of course, it is rather small, but then we only earn £19 a day for cleaning up shit, puke and other bodily smearings from hotel bathrooms, and we might have got some blood on the bow as we wrapped it up, what with our hands being chapped because of not having time to put on gloves before we clean the toilets with abrasive chemicals as that would slow us down and cut our piece-rate earnings even further, but we really wanted to show that, as we crawl out of bed at four in the morning to go and mop up the misdirected piss of drunk businessmen, we can't begin to imagine how really hard singing some songs and having to do interviews from time to time can be."

Fashion has no mercy

Trouble at the trouser interface for Victoria Beckham - not only have Rock and Republic canned her contract to sell Beckham-branded jeans (they said she was "horrible to work with - indecisive and inconsistent", apparently) but they're now sarking over current pants range:

Robert de Keyser - who sold Beckham's last range of denim for label Rock + Republic in the UK - claims her new jeans are massively overpriced. He says, "The new Beckham range appears to be seriously overpriced for a line made out of a cheap fabric."

And if anyone knows about charging seriously overpriced amounts for bogstandard trousers, we'd hazard a company which charges three hundred dollars for a pair of jeans would be it.

Travolta thanks Diana for saving his career

It's true - apparently dancing with the then-being-cuckolded Princess of Wales turned around Travolta's career:

Speaking as the 10th anniversary of Diana's death approaches, he said the moment the princess took him in his arms he felt "like a frog who had been turned into a prince".

Travolta revealed how then-First Lady Nancy Reagan took him aside at the 1985 glittering gala and quietly told him that Diana had specially requested to dance with him.

He was told to wait until midnight before approaching her. At the stroke of 12, he crept over nervously and asked: "Excuse me, princess, would you care to dance?"

Travolta said: "I looked her in the eye and said, 'We're good. I can do this.'"

Grease and Saturday Night Fever star Travolta said: "That was an amazing moment because I was having a dip in my career and no one was interested in me.
Advertisement

"Suddenly, I was the only thing that mattered in America to Princess Diana and I was reborn. I was like, 'Wow!

I matter to someone again.' I was on the cover of every newspaper and magazine in the world and someone as significant as Princess Diana reminded everyone of me.

And, indeed, just, erm, nine short years later, Travolta made Pulp Fiction. The career-reviving power of Di might be amazing, but apparently it works incredibly slowly indeed.

Joss Stone likes the whip

It is, of course, hilarious that Joss Stone has issued an 11-page for rider for her appearance at the Knowsley Music Festival, but we were impressed to see that she wants Miracle Whip. Tesco have just stopped stocking this after a glorious period where it was available, and that's a bit of a shame as it's back to having to buy it imported from the US if you want it now, which is expensive and environmentally horrible.

Meanwhile, Victoria Newton is sucking her teeth:

I can reveal she will sing footie anthem You’ll Never Walk Alone after claiming: “I’m a massive Liverpool supporter.”

Sounds like a bid to win over the locals to me.

Yes, because women who grew up in the South of England can't be proper Liverpool supporters, and if they claim to be, they're probably just lying to try and win over Scousers, eh?

Not that Glastonbury's gone commercial or anything...

BBC News explores just one of the tents on the site:

Across three days, at least 100,000 handsets will be powered up at the on-site Chill n' Charge tent.

The facility is free and will not feature any logos of the mobile phone network which is providing it.

However, its choice of colour for the canvas - bright orange - might give even the most sozzled of festival-goers a clue about who is behind it.

The marquee will also contain 35 internet terminals to show off the company's broadband service.

Punters will be encouraged to "upload your pics, e-mail your mates and let your mum know you're still in one piece" - while those at home get behind-the-scenes tours and a Glastonbury blog from Peaches Geldof.

"We want people to walk away from the festival feeling more positive about our brand than when they arrived, to think that we have done something for them," said Mat Sears, spokesman for, yep, Orange.

"Then obviously we hope that when it comes to them deciding which mobile network to sign up with, who to supply their broadband, we might be their number one option."

I know, I know the arguments - that, despite the ticket price pushing the event ever more into the VIP box bracket, there's still a need for more money to fuel the event. But you do wonder if the festival might not have retained some of its specialness if it sacrificed a few of the clowns, and got by without Orange powering its marketing with a Peaches Geldof blog onsite.

Meanwhile, shouting "former SAS man" Andy McNabb - yes, him - is in The Sun offering tips on how to survive Glastonbury. We're not sure if he's ever actually been there, as the key tips are "start queuing to recharge your mobile before the last 'charge' segment disappears" and "hide from Peaches Geldof at all costs", but instead McNabb, who was in the army, you know, seems to be preparing festival goers for a trip to a war of some sort:

It is time to leave the Jesus sandals at home. Wellies aren’t just for fashion victims like Kate Moss.

What does that even mean? Since when were wellington boots fashion items?

Change your socks regularly (take extra pairs) and keep your feet dry. It might save you from trench foot.

Change your socks? Was he in the SAS or matron at a minor public school?

Every night simply put on your dry stuff and change back into the wet stuff in the morning. I have survived for months like that.

When I was in the jungle we always had a wet set of clothes and a dry set.

Or, since it's only a weekend, you could just take enough tshirts and trousers to have clean dry clothes every day. Because you're camping in Somerset, and not in the jungle for months.

If you have got one, a head torch is great, leaving your hands free wherever you go.

Which is useful if you have to... um, use one of the broadband internet terminals or pick the olives off your bruschetta or something.

Other useful items are safety pins, sealable plastic bags for keeping things watertight, vinyl tape for running repairs, a torch (with spare batteries), penknife and whistle.

We're sure the Glastonbury organisers will be delighted that The Sun is suggesting people turn up with knives. But a whistle? Will that actually help you if you get in to trouble, or just encourage people to throw things at you in the mistaken belief that you've wandered out the rave tent?

You're on a dairy farm with thousands and thousands of other people, Andy - where would you be so far from civilisation you'd need a whistle rather than shouting "help me" to get help?

Andy then turns his attention to food:

AN army marches on its stomach and you will also need some decent scoff if you want to go the distance.

Burgers for breakfast, kebab for lunch and chips for dinner, all washed down with copious amounts of lager really isn’t going to do your stomach a lot of good.

Anyone who has seen the loos at Glasto knows that you want to keep your visits to an absolute minimum.

Andy McNabb - who was in the Paras or something - apparently knows no fear, other than a slighty grubby chemical toilet. Can this really be the same man who barked at Sky One viewers about how he would survive a dirty bomb who can't even face a dirty toilet cubicle?

I like sachet grub which you just rip open and eat.

Or, erm, you could just go off to one of the dozens of food stalls. Or perhaps have some biscuits? You can just open the packet of biscuits and eat them.

Don’t forget to stock up on lots of fruit and veg.

Wholefood such as muesli to eat in the morning will give you energy for a full day of revelry.

All that roughage. Handy, except, erm, if you're trying to "keep your visits to the toilets to an absolute minimum."

Water needs to be rationed at all times but drink plenty of it. The SAS carry water purification tablets.

Don’t laugh — you may need them over the next few days.

Sorry, Andy. I'm trying not to laugh but water purification tablets? Things might have got bad in the past at the festival, but even in 1997 nobody got dysentery because they were forced to drink the puddles.

CHOOSE higher ground and remember the prevailing winds at Glastonbury are usually from the west.

A decent Gore-Tex tent will keep you dry — you won’t need to dig a foxhole.

Great news, everybody - you won't need to dig a foxhole. Although that will come as a disappointment to everyone who turns up at music festivals carrying a shovel.
The next segment is called - honestly - yomping:

GO the pace of the slowest man or woman in your unit. Conditions will be testing. It will be seriously boggy out there.

If one of your team is falling behind STOP and let them have a breather.

The most important thing is making it through together and intact.

Or you could just arrange to all meet up on the right-hand side of the blanket stall if you get separated. Or even, you know, text message each other. It's not clear what McNabb thinks will happen to members of your "unit" (or "your mates" as most people would call them) if they get separated - will rogue members of Kula Shaker be picking them off?

Apparently:

ALWAYS look after your wounded — and try not to suffer any casualties.

But what do you do if, say, you are caught by a friendly fire strike from the John Peel Stage, Andy?

Carry paracetamol with you at all times to combat recurring hangovers.

Good advice - if your system is awash with alcohol, top it up with pills.

But let's not mock - if it wasn't for Andy, who used to be in the Foreign Legion, remember, whoever would have known that headache pills can help with cases of headache?
Then, we're on to "Know your enemy":

BE alert at all times. You never know when you could become a target.

Watch out for the dodgy characters you are likely to encounter — drug dealers, dippers, rogue hawkers and muggers. Do NOT attempt to take these people out but report them to an official.

Aw, come on. I've brought my spade to the middle of the West of England, I don't need to dig a foxhole and now you're telling me I can't use it to "take out" a "rogue hawker". Where's the fun, eh?

But, seriously. It's a music festival. There should be no room for rogue hawkers - birds of prey like hawks should only be used for good.
Some final advice from Andy:

LET’S face it, you all want to get into the VIP backstage area. Well, it requires some skilful blagging.

There is no point queuing and pretending to be on the guest list. Be brassy and just bluff it.

Clearly, talking absolute bollocks is something of a talent for Andy.

It’s best to walk in acting like you should be there.

Who would I want to meet?

The Killers, of course.

So, if you see a bloke in soggy clothes, lapping water from a puddle yelling "but I'm a Mormon too" as he tries to get round the back to the Pyramid stage, that'd be Andy McNabb.

Late 90s student disco take-out

Americans who wish to turn their living rooms into a simulacrum of a British University bar on a Saturday night sometime round the arse-end of the last century, all you need to do is pour some cheap lager over the carpet, stub some ciagrettes out on the windowsill, and reach for Rhino Records four CD Britbox. This, disc by disc, takes a trip through the more populist end of British indie and faux-indie from 1985 to 1998. Some of the choices are very good indeed:

01 The Smiths - "How Soon Is Now?"
02 Cocteau Twins - "Lorelei"
03 Felt - "Primitive Painters"
04 Shop Assistants - "Somewhere in China"
05 The Mighty Lemon Drops - "My Biggest Thrill"
06 The Cure - "Just Like Heaven"
07 Echo & The Bunnymen - "Lips Like Sugar"
08 The Jesus and Mary Chain - "April Skies"
09 Spacemen 3 - "Walkin' With Jesus (Sound of Confusion)"
10 The Primitives - "Crash"
11 The Wonder Stuff - "Unbearable"
12 The Stone Roses - "She Bangs the Drums"
13 The Charlatans UK - "The Only One I Know"
14 Happy Mondays - "Step On"
15 Primal Scream - "Loaded" [single version]
16 Inspiral Carpets - "This Is How It Feels"
17 The Trash Can Sinatras - "Obscurity Knocks"
18 The La's - "There She Goes"
19 The Sundays - "Here's Where the Story Ends"

Disc 2:

01 Ride - "Vapour Trail"
02 Pale Saints - "Sight of You"
03 My Bloody Valentine - "Only Shallow"
04 Lush - "For Love"
05 The Telescopes - "Flying"
06 Chapterhouse - "Pearl"
07 Catherine Wheel - "I Want To Touch You"
08 Bleach - "Trip & Slide"
09 Curve - "Coast Is Clear"
10 Five Thirty - "You"
11 Moose - "This River Will Never Run Dry"
12 The Family Cat - "(Thought I'd Died) And Gone To Heaven"
13 The Dylans - "(Don't Cut Me Down) Mary Quant in Blue"
14 Thousand Yard Stare - "0-0 A.E.T. (No Score After Extra Time)"
15 Ned's Atomic Dustbin - "Grey Cell Green"
16 Birdland - "Shoot You Down"
17 Manic Street Preachers - "Stay Beautiful"
18 Teenage Fanclub - "Star Sign"

Disc 3:

01 Suede - "Metal Mickey"
02 Swervedriver - "Duel" [radio edit]
03 Eugenius - "Breakfast"
04 Superstar - "Barfly"
05 New Order - "Regret"
06 James - "Laid"
07 Nick Heyward - "Kite"
08 The Boo Radleys - "Lazarus"
09 Saint Etienne - "You're in a Bad Way"
10 Stereolab - "Wow & Flutter"
11 Blur - "Tracy Jacks"
12 Oasis - "Live Forever"
13 Pulp - "Common People"
14 These Animal Men - "Speed King"
15 Mega City Four - "Wallflower"
16 Echobelly - "Insomniac"
17 Gene - "Sleep Well Tonight"
18 Menswe@r - "Sleeping In"
19 Supergrass - "Alright"
20 Cast - "Alright"
21 Elastica - "Stutter"

Disc 4:

01 Dodgy - "In a Room"
02 Ash - "Girl From Mars"
03 Sleeper - "Sale of the Century"
04 Marion - "Sleep"
05 Kula Shaker - "Tattva"
06 Ocean Colour Scene - "The Riverboat Song"
07 Babybird - "You're Gorgeous"
08 The Bluetones - "Slight Return"
09 Super Furry Animals - "Something 4 the Weekend"
10 The Divine Comedy - "Something for the Weekend"
11 Cornershop - "Brimful of Asha"
12 Silver Sun - "Service"
13 Spiritualized - "Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space"
14 Mansun - "Wide Open Space"
15 Hurricane #1 - "Step Into My World"
16 The Verve - "Lucky Man"
17 Rialto - "Untouchable"
18 Catatonia - "Mulder and Scully"
19 Placebo - "You Don't Care About Us"
20 Gay Dad - "Oh Jim"

Last Friday, BBC 6Music spent a long time trying to work out what went wrong with Britpop in 1997 - that this album comes to an end with Gay Dad would have been the whole answer right there. Indeed, with Hurricane Number One, Kula Shaker and Silve Sun, that last disc shows the marketing departments slowly wheeling in and killing off the creativity. We're relieved, but surprised, that there's no Kingmaker there; we're equally surprised, but delighted, the vastly undervalued Trash Can Sinatras have been included. And it's nice to be reminded of the time when, briefly, Nick Heyward looked like he might just pull off a spell of indie credibility. Unfortunately, he timed his leap to Creation just as Creation was abandoning its credibility.

No Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine, though.

The offspring should spring off

Neither Kimberley Stewart nor Damian, Ziggy and Julian Marley have achieved very much besides having origins in famous sperm¹, so it must have been a difficult choice for the management at London club Prophecy when both tried to claim the best table in the house. It's a pity someone who had actually achieved something in their own right - like, I don't know, Maureen off Driving School - wasn't there to stake a stronger claim and solve the conundrum.

Apparently glasses got smashed, harsh words exchanged; eventually, the Marleys won the table. They did keep an eye on the door in case Bill Oddie's daughter swung by.

1. Please, don't even think of saying 'what about the Melody Makers' here. Thank you.

Something to listen to: 'Pol position

The good people over at Pitchfork are currently streaming Interpol's Pioneer To The Falls, the opening track from new album Our Love To Admire.

Another ride is up in flames

Carey Hart, who is married to Pink, put eight of his beloved motorcycles into a lorry - presumably that's even more fun than riding them - but, somewhere in Utah, the truck caught fire, wiping out a ridiculous dollar value of vehicles. Of course, he needs them for the job he does, which is riding bikes, so it's a bit like a carpenter losing his hammer.

Six weeks to live, but at least I'm not with Tony

As a nation came to terms with, yes, that was all the Sopranos was leading up to, they found their solace in the music. And just as those Britons who, ten years ago, felt like they really knew Diana, wound up walking home with Elton John's worst record of the last twenty years, Americans have been burying their loss in Journey:

The use of Journey's single "Don't Stop Believin' " in the June 10 finale of "The Sopranos" -- followed by oodles of media attention for the band and the show -- yields big returns on the charts this week. The 1981 track re-enters Hot Digital Songs at No. 21 with 41,000 paid downloads. It's up 371% in sales compared with the previous week. Concurrently, Journey's "Greatest Hits" album sold nearly 11,000 units this week -- a 111% gain -- pushing the set 17-2 with Greatest Gainer honors on the Top Pop Catalog albums chart.

The hope that soundtrack appearances can break a new band is going to take a bit of a hit; the pushers who are trying to persuade Grey's House to drop a sensitive unknown singer-songwriter onto an episode are now going to have to compete with the majors hoping to hook less-risky catalogue tunes into the same place.

"Always down and keeping it real"

Presumably Victoria Beckham's happy at the sort of leak of the truly horrifying Full Stop, a weak, milky rap where Glamour Magazine's entrepreneur of the year tries to suggest that we should forget the "good girl" because she's - yes - "always down and keeping it real". Nas is on board for as long as it take his people to put the Switch card through the machine and transfer the fee.

Are we hearing things, or does she really claim that she wants to live "like hot knives"? How does one do that - hang around in dingy student flats and wait for the loan cheque to clear?

We're choosing to see this as a threat - "sure, object away to a Spice Girls reunion - if you don't want my clumsy musical stylings safely drowned out by a bellowing Mel B..."

Together at last: Cuties, swearing, dancing

Raiding Sarah Records' back cagoulogue, the stuff Alan McGee used to do before he started turning up on News 24 and putting on bands that tip their hat to the tweescene, from next month, London will be offering a Twee As Fuck clubnight.

Private equity buys up Dick Clark

Dick Clark Productions, which owns rights to American Bandstand, the American Music Awards and a massive catalogue of live performances has been snapped up by a partnership between Redzone, the PE fund controlled by Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, and Six Flags, the amusement park operator. (Six Flags, in its turn, is owned largely by Redzone.)

The talk is of synergy and digitisation:

"This is the next step in the evolution of Six Flags — moving into the family entertainment space," said Shapiro, a former programming executive at ESPN and ABC.

Cross-promotional opportunities are plentiful, he said. Six Flags' concerts could be re-branded to promote the American Music Awards, for example, and during the New Year's countdown show, "I can see Dick or Ryan saying, 'Let's check in on Los Angeles at Magic Mountain, where such-and-such band is performing live.' "

Clark will continue to co-host the New Year's Eve show with Ryan Seacrest, Shapiro said.

Having seen Dick struggling somewhat on the last New Year's Eve programme, we suspect that wasn't considered the deal breaker.

Last-minute crisis

Of course, one of the additional risks in holding back the distribution of Glastonbury tickets until the last minute is that, while you might thwart touts that way, you don't leave much time to sort out things if they go wrong.

Like, for example, if wodges of tickets got stolen from a sorting office.

Glastonbury has said they will "do their best" to allow those who have had tickets disappear en route to get in, but although the Mirror is probably being over-dramatic suggesting "thousands" have had their tickets stolen, the opening up of the possiblity of letting people in despite them not having their tickets has added an extra layer of confusion to this year's event.

Meanwhile, the weather forecast for the weekend is now:
Tomorrow: Day - rain, 16 degrees
Night - Light rain, 12 degrees
Friday: Day - Rain/ thunder, 17 degrees
Night - Thunderstorms, 12 degrees
Saturday: Day - Showers, 18 degrees
Night - Showers later, 10 degrees
Sunday - Showers, 17 degrees

Consistency from Noel Gallagher

Now, what was the reason Noel gave for missing Paul McCartney's wee London gig?. Oh, yes:

“I was gutted about missing the gig but when your missus is pregnant, it’s like you’re pregnant, so I didn’t go out.”

Very admirable. So, erm, is this how pregnant people behave, then:

NOEL GALLAGHER may be a legendary caner but he was quick to try to jump on this wagon at 4am yesterday after a booze-up with KASABIAN’s SERGE PIZZORNO.

The OASIS star began at the Mojo awards in London, took in CORAL gig and ended at Soho House via the Groucho Club.

It's like he's making it up as he goes... mmmmm

Newton meets the Osbournes

A room with Sharon Osbourne and Victoria Newton in it? Doesn't that thretaen to open a black hole in the universe or something?

Still, Newton believes she got a big exclusive out of it:

'Jack had sex with Paris Hilton'

You'll note the quote marks. But surely even Sharon isn't so desperate for the spotlight that she'd start waving her kid's used condoms above her head?

To be fair, no. In fact, nobody said that Jack Osbourne had had sex with anyone:

Ozzy said: “Paris was always hanging around our house. I’m not sure if she was a friend of KELLY or AMY — which one was it, Sharon?”

Sharon looked a bit sheepish and stumbled over her words as she replied: “She was Jack’s, erm, friend.” Ozzy’s jaw dropped and he exclaimed: “He didn’t shag her, did he? Well done, my son!”

Newton, of course, thinks this is good enough to stack up the headline, quotes and all, and also offers her on-the-spot analysis of this bombshell:

I take my hat off to Jack. He’s got a bit of personality but pulling Paris is punching above his weight.

Two not-especially-attractive people famous for being children of someone famous? Surely that's a perfect pairing?

Still, we love the idea that Sharon will discover that, having granted the Sun an exclusive interview, she and Ozzy were deemed so dull the story was hung on a throwaway suggestion that the presenter of a programme about bungee-jumping on ITV2 might have possibly had sex with a drunk driver.

She is dull, though:

Sharon is also looking for a house in London near to X Factor boss SIMON COWELL in leafy Holland Park.

She said: “It gets tiring travelling when we’re filming the show. Our house in the country isn’t that far away but with the traffic it can sometimes mean spending four hours a day in the car.”

Yes, but it's not like you're driving, is it? Besides, if being on the M1 is such a trauma, why not take the train instead, and do us all a favour?

Jacko clears case

The many-tentacled world of Michael Jackson lawsuits has one less limb this week. After months of claiming to have never heard of Prescient Acquisition, who claimed to be owed millions for helping Jackson refinance the loans on the Beatles catalogue, just as the jury were being sorted out to hear Prescient's claims, Jackson settled. Nobody knows how much for, but naturally, the speculation is at the large end of the scale.

Now, perhaps, Jacko can concentrate on that 9/11 fundraising single...

Thanks a bunch, Mel C

Now that Melanie C has been more or less bounced into giving Halliwell and Brown something to do, we're in for lots of this sort of thing - apparently, Simon Fuller has issued the Spice Girls with a list of dos and don'ts ahead of the reunion:

Do not talk about money that you will potentially earn from the reunion.

Talk about memories of the Spice Girls with affection and pride.

Do not get into spats between yourselves over plans and decisions – is it worth it?

Respect each other’s personal lives and commitments.

Respect each other’s views.

Raise any queries with Nicki (Chapman) and myself at the scheduled meeting.

Do not confirm or deny any rumours until everything is in place.

Do not worry about schedules and time — this will all be arranged with everyone in mind.

Do not become pregnant –please!

It sounds slightly less like a fun trip down memory lane, more like one last mission, doesn't it?

Still, I suppose Fuller did at least say please as he regained dominion over the women's uteri.

Have MTV thought this through?

Now, we're all for a spot of public health campaigning, and awareness raising is always a good thing, but MTV America's plans for HIV testing day sounds like an idea that has the potential to go terribly awry:

MTV News is seeking young couples willing to get an HIV test — on camera — for National HIV Testing Day. The couple will talk to MTV News about why they think getting tested for HIV is important, and then take our audience through the actual process of getting tested, showing how difficult or simple it is. Potential candidates should be in the New York Tri-State area and available before the afternoon of June 22.

Are they sure they want to run the risk of someone discovering they're HIV positive with five minutes to go before Pimp My Shoebag? Is that really the sort of life-changing event you want to risk in the name of light entertainment?

Keyboardobit: Richard Bell

Candian-born keyboardist Richard Bell has died at the age of 61.

Born in Toronto, Bell's key role came after he was approached to play keyboards for Janis Joplin while in his early 20s. His time with Joplin included numerous live dates and an appearance on Pearl, the album released after her death.

Relocating to New York, Bell worked throughout the 1970s and 1980s as a sought-after session musician, before being recruited to The Band in 1991. He remained with them for three albums and eight years, until the death of Rick Danko finally brought The Band to a close.

By now living in Toronto again, Bell returned to session work (he also played accordion and saxophone); producing and composing; and would appear with Porkbelly Futures Danny Brooks & the Rockin' Revelators and Burrito Deluxe. It was with Burrito Deluxe that he would make his last record, this February's Disciples Of The Truth. But even before the CD was released he had received the diagnosis of cancer, the disease which would eventually claim his life.

Get yer tickets for the tout debate

Next week, the Department for Culture, Media and Sport is going to investigate ticket touting. The people who will be giving evidence are as follows:

At 10.30am The Rugby Football Union
The Football Association
The All England Lawn Tennis & Croquet Club

At 11.00am Harvey Goldsmith CBE
Concert Promoters Association
DF Concerts
National Arenas Association

At 11.30am Ticketmaster
The Society of Ticket Agents and Retailers (STAR)
Seetickets

At 12.00noon eBay
viagogo
The Association of Secondary Ticket Agents (ASTA)
Seatwave

At 12.30pm Department for Culture, Media and Sport
Shaun Woodward MP, Parliamentary Under- Secretary of State
Department of Trade and Industry
Rt Hon Margaret Hodge MBE MP, Minister of State for Industry and the Regions
The Office of Fair Trading
John Fingleton, Chief Executive

So, that's an hour and a half of people generally against the idea of tickets being resold, against half an hour of people who might have an opposing viewpoint cobbled together at the end.

Not entirely the most balanced of slates, then; and not many people there representing the people who actually go to concerts.

The terms of reference:

The Culture, Media and Sport Committee announced on 1 May 2007 an inquiry into ticket touting. The Committee is particularly interested in the following issues:

The underlying causes of ticket touting, and its impact on performers, promoters and the public;
Whether or not resale of a ticket, at face value or at a higher value, should be permitted in principle; and whether the acceptability or otherwise of resale depends on the circumstances in which tickets are offered for resale;
The impact of the Internet upon trade in tickets;
Whether or not tickets’ terms and conditions banning transfer and onward sale are fair or enforceable;
The merits of new approaches by ticket agents attempting to prevent transfer of tickets, including wider use of personal ID; and
Whether or not the existing offences of sale by an unauthorised person in a public place of a ticket for a designated football match, or for events at the London 2012 Games, should be extended to cover other sporting or cultural events.

While this sounds superficially balanced, the sense that this is more 'selling tickets on is a bad thing' than a totally open-minded approach - after all, planning to consider the merits of Glastonbury-style ID controls would suggest an expectation of a decision that controls are required.

Poor Ike

Ike Turner is complaining that the Tina biopic What's Love Got To Do With It "ruined his career":

"You know, during the time I was doing drugs, my attorney coerced me into signing a contract that said I wouldn't sue them if they got someone else to play me in a film.

"I didn't know I was signing away my rights and that they could portray me any way they wanted to. You have to have a villain and you have to have a hero, so I was the villain."

Hmm. On the other hand, it might be a little bit more the "wife-beating" bit of your character that ruined your career, Ike.

100 years of paranoia

We'd imagine, having seen the 1909 End-user licence agreement from an RCA Victor 78 that EMI are probably still pursuing people who've violated that contract. Or suing their grandkids, anyway.

Chavtastic

Last night in London, something between a sprawling mess and a glorious coming-together: Carl Barat, Gary Powell, Jamie Reynolds, Steffan Halperin and Tim Burgess in a possible one-off supergroup extravaganza, The Chavs.

It's like a Travelling Wilburys for the living.

Clear Channel upset Britney, people with mental health problems

Lumbering media giant Clear Channel has royally pissed off Britney Spears - and offended anyone whose ever had a mental health problem - with a promotion for its Florida radio station WFLZ-FM. Because nothing is as funny as mental illness:

The WFLZ billboards included the slogans "Total nut jobs", "Shock Therapy" and "Certifiable", which ran across pictures of a bald Spears.

Law firm Lavely and Singer demanded the "immediate removal" of the banners in a letter to the station.

WFLZ's Todd Schnitt said the adverts were down but he was "not happy".

Let's hope that Scnitt's unhappiness doesn't deepen into a depression, otherwise he might find photos of him with the word "nut job" splashed across, up around the town.

Spears is annoyed not just with the implications of the ads, but also the uncleared use of her face.

Gennaro Castaldo watch: Bully

Of all the places you'd expect Gennaro Castaldo to crop up, who would have put money on him tailing a piece in the Swindon Advertiser, reacting to a group of schoolchildren's campaign to have a video game banned?

The kids are unhappy that Canis Canem Edit was available in their local HMV. They all wrote to the manager, and got no response, so instead they hopped on a train to ask their MP about it up in Westminster.

Gennaro, mind you, says we shouldn't be alarmed by the game:

HMV spokesman Gennaro Castaldo said the game was meant to empathise with the victims of bullying in showing them fighting back.

He also said that the company had never banned a game in order to maintain its customers' free choice, but that controversial games such as Canis Canem Edit are not usually promoted in store, meaning customers would have to search for them.

Ah! So it seems to be an official line at HMV then that the correct response to violence is more violence - presumably it's only a matter of time before Nipper is replaced by one of those jaws-on-legs dogs that perform the role of accounts overdue for drug dealers.

We're also entranced by this idea that HMV doesn't ban things because it wishes to maintain the customer's right to choose. Where's the hardcore porn section in our local store, then?

More to the point, isn't the same HMV which banned The Rolling Stones back catalogue from its Canadian branches because it was having a hissy fit at the Stones doing a deal with a rival store?

And how touching is the "well, customers have to look for it, so that's alright, then" defence - perhaps something drug dealers could look into: "Nah, I'm not a pusher, but if the kids find the heroin filed under 'H' in the 'Drugs for sale' cabinet, what can I do?"