Even Weller thinks Lydon's an embarrassing old grump

When even Paul Weller is telling you that, frankly, you sound like Grampa Simpson, you should probably take a look at yourself.

Weller has stretched and yawned in the face of John Lydon's latest 'I remember when it was all horses" tirades:

"I don't really understand him anymore," Weller explained. "He's become the antithesis of what he once was. Does he need the money?

"Perhaps he misses the adulation, the buzz. Nostalgia has become a whole industry in itself... and I don't like it. You can never recapture what has gone."

That's not a problem for Lydon, of course: he's much more interested in making up a past that never really happened.

Hands turns EMI round. Sort of.

Lots of back slapping and no champagne corks popping as EMI manages to make a profit in the three months to the end of June.

Guy Hands - one of the men who, in another role, put money into the movie Nine Dead Gay Guys - has been trumpeting his success:

Earnings before interest, tax, depreciation and amortisation were £59.2m, compared with a loss of £45.1m in the same quarter in 2007.

Mr Hands told staff: "The bulk of the dramatic improvement in our performance was down to the transformation we have been carrying through in the way we work."

Yes. That'll be it, Mr. Hands. And nothing whatsoever to do with the smart timing of the Coldplay release so the massive sales came just before the close-off of this period's sale figures, then.

Meanwhile: Albarn and Hewlett have turned their backs on Damon's long-time EMI home to offer Monkey: Journey To The West to XL recordings instead. Gossips suggest that Albarn is less-than-thrilled with the Hands regime.

Ian Brown saves us all

It's a pity he didn't put his foot down before The Second Coming, but at least Ian Brown is stopping a third version of the Stone Roses:

"I spoke to John and Reni about it a few years ago and they said they'd love to do it at some point in time," Mani told the BBC.

"But Ian Brown seems dead set against it."

He added: "If [Brown] changes his mind then we'll probably do it, but then I'll be back to Primal Scream after the one year of doing it."

Who knew that Reni would be kicking his heels and keen to drop everything for a Roses reunion?

Thank god Brown is playing the role of Mel C and sparing the world from having the warm memories they still have of the Roses from being trampled all over. Mind you, even Mel C caved in in the end.

Robin Gibb is expecting a call from David Cameron

There's some unexpected advice for Gordon Brown - albeit wrapped in some supra-name-dropping - in this morning's Telegraph from, erm, Robin Gibb:

'Tony and Gordon are good friends, I like both of them,' he says. Blair, he insists, is a very proficient guitar player. 'We've jammed.' Brown, he says, is much more personable in private than he appears in public. 'Gordon has too many people telling him to be serious. In fact he is very contagious and infectious. He should show that side more often. People would respond.'

Frankly, the idea of Gordon Brown chuckling his way through Prime Minister's Questions like Vernon Kay is certain to get a response. Still, Gordon could do worse than listen to Robin - after all, it's not like the Bee Gees come across like po-faced humour vacuums, is it?

Gibb also shows the paper round his house:

'The Bishops decided Joan of Arc's fate in the chapel here. Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn stayed here in 1533 on one of their progresses. Oh, and Baroness Sophie Wenham conducted her affair with William IV here,' he rhymes off. 'There's a very old set of stone steps outside that the Baroness used to climb into her carriage. She was short. Dwina uses them now to climb into the Range Rover. I like that kind of continuity, too: the melding of the old and the new.'

Not, of course, that Gibb has lost sight of his roots. Oh no. Because the kids today...

'I can remember my dad sitting under a 40-watt bulb counting pennies, trying to make them last until Friday. The evening meal was a six-penny bag of chips divided among us all for chip butties. We had bread soaked in milk and sprinkled with sugar for cereal. But kids don't question that.

... they don't know they're born, do they?

Mind you, the way his good chum Gordon is handling the economic mess, it's probable that kids are going to start gathering on the Range Rover steps outside his house yelling "a bag of chips between you all? We're lucky to get half a portion of potato peelings for the entire street..."

Gordon in the morning: Story without make-up

It must be a quiet day in the world of celebrity misbehaviour - either that, or Gordon is desperate to try and please Chris Martin. How else to explain the fawning but pointless "article" about Gwyneth Paltrow going out without any slap on? Reading Gordon, you'd assume this was on a par with having discovered how to teleport:

GWYNETH PALTROW steps out without make-up and looks radiant — naturally.
[...]
Gwyn-credible ... Paltrow without make-up at do

Gordon is so desperate to try and drum up some sort of story, he's reduced to listing the names and ages of those who, erm, aren't in the picture:

Gwyneth was also without COLDPLAY front man hubby CHRIS MARTIN, 31, or kids APPLE, four, and MOSES, two.

Two year old child not at some vague "do". I'm shocked.

Could you perhaps wrap the whole story up with a bemusing pun that doesn't quite work, Gordon?

Everyone at the party seemed happy with her natural look — well they didn’t give her any lippy, did they!

Still, there's thinner stuff this morning: Winehouse has been collecting Euro 2008 stickers as a gift for Blake when he's released (presumably alongside a sherbet dib-dab and a copy of the Beezer). Or, as Richard White puts it:

AMY WINEHOUSE has picked up her most shameful habit yet . . . collecting footie stickers.

Of course, it means we probably owe Gordon an apology. Back when he ran this story a year ago, we assumed he was just making a lame drug allusion:

Amy’s new hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL was spotted entering a toilet cubicle at the pub with his crackhead idol PETE DOHERTY.

My guess is they were either swapping football stickers or comparing notes on how to look after successful women.

Perhaps Gordon really did mean he thought they were swapping football stickers all along.

Hypebot slaps indie, calls for end to denial

Bruce Houghton on Hypebot has published a list of five lies indie musicians tell themselves. They're solid claims, but miss some of the sry:

1. "The internet leveled the playing field for indie music." - Big checkbooks and the marketing campaigns they buy still have the edge. The internet just opened the door for everyone. It's what you do now that you're in the now overcrowded room that matters.

The point about a level playing field - and the metaphor is has spawned, if not the cliche it has become - is the economic principle of ceteris paribus: all other things being equal. Having a level playing field doesn't mean that Brighton and Hove Albion will be the same in power as Manchester United; it just means that the extraneous factors which might work against them as well have been removed. United would probably still win the match, because they have better players and more cash to spend.

This is quite important when it comes to the shift from physical sales to online stores. The old rules of distribution and access to shelf space in multiple retailers meant that indie records struggled to get in front of an audience. The web has levelled the playing field - indies still don't have the marketing spend and promo budgets of the majors, but they are no longer kicking uphill to actually get records into the shops.

2. "I'm going D.I.Y." - Sorry, but you can't Do It all Yourself. You need a team; preferably an experienced one. Just for starters: manager, agent, web guru, marketing and PR.

Well, yes - but if you restore your own house, it doesn't mean you didn't do it yourself just because you got in a proper electrician and a plumber who knew what they were doing. There's an important difference between selecting your own team and having them answer to you, and having a team imposed on you from within your record label. Maybe Doing It For Yourself, then.

3. "The quality of the music matters more now." - It has always started with a great song...or at least a catchy one. That hasn't changed and neither has the fact that after that it's still about hard work, who your champions are and luck.

Mostly spot-on - although there are more than enough examples of songs which are dreadful which have achieved great success, perhaps because of the effects of sunshine and holiday drink (Agadoo, anybody?) or the habitual purchasing habits of the prematurely middle-aged (Oasis albums #3 onwards).

4. "Now that the FCC ended payola, my music has a chance at radio." - Dream on. There are still gatekeepers and they still don't care about you.

This is correct - although the spread of digital radio and the sale of Clear Channel licences will increase the number of gatekeepers to try your luck with.

5. "My sales suck, but so do everyone else's." Sure the numbers have changed, but if you can't get people to pay something for your music then you've got a problem...with your music.

This just isn't the case at all - since Houghton has just listed four reasons why it's not always easy to turn a talent into a financial success, isn't it possible that you might not make money from your music because your music is bad. It could just be that your marketing sucks. Or maybe you're more interested in making music than building online stores.

Testube baby

More free music on a Monday night: Jeff Danos has released a free download version of his Testube project's Covert ep. There's a paid-for, ten-track version as well.

Happy families

Having set the sales horse free from the field by dropping hints about the not-great state of Madonna's love life, her brother Christopher Ciccone has now generated more free publicity by defending the state of Madonna's marriage:

"I believe that she will do what's best for her family and her kids, and I think that she'll do her best to maintain the marriage and keep it going."

He told the Good Morning America programme it was "highly unlikely" his sister was responsible for splitting up Rodriguez's marriage, adding the claims seemed "absurd".

"First of all, despite everything else, she's still a Catholic girl and I don't think… although he is kind of her type, so it's difficult to say," Mr Ciccone said.

It's almost like, you know, he's not spoken to his sister for ages and has about as much clue as any of the rest of us as to what's actually going on, isn't it?

No Red Rocks & Grohl fun

The Foo Fighters have postponed their Red Rocks gigs due for this week - Dave Grohl isn't well:

"As much as it kills us to postpone shows, I'm in no shape to deliver the kind of balls-out performances that you guys deserve. We're already looking forward to September when we can make it up to everyone ten times over. It's gonna be great."

Let's hope it's not getting cold in the mountains come September, mind.

Actors who can sing

We're going to have to go and have a doctor hit our knee, as our jerk-out-reaction whenever we hear the words "... taking a break from acting to release an album" seems to be seizing up. Not only is Zooey Deschanel's She And Him project better than her entire acting CV put together (yes, even the episode of Frasier where she was Roz's cousin. Even including that one.)

Now, Shawnee Smith and Missi Pyle have set aside the handicap of being Jill Cleveland in Murder, She Wrote and the woman with the monotone voice in Boston Legal to put together the imaginatively-titled Smith and Pyle, and it's actually sounding - well, quite good. At least on the basis of advance mp3s Spankin and Sugar.

Foreigner affairs

Good news for Americans who refuse to buy CDs unless they have that FBI warning on the sleeve: Johnny Foreigner is getting a US release for Waited Up Til It Was Dark. Not til October, mind.

Meanwhile, enjoy some video fun with the JFs.

Gomez: It's a tour

Further to yesterday's news of a Gomez date in Manchester, it turns out there's going to be a full tour of Bring It On shows:
Sheffield, Plug – August 28
Newcastle, Carling Academy – 31
London, The Forum – September 2
Birmingham, Carling Academy – 3
Manchester Univeristy - 4

The band are believed to be playing the album, track-by-track, all the way through. Earlier plans - where they were only going to play Whipping Piccadilly and then have a ten minute chat with Jo Whiley as she tells them how great they are - have been shelved, although might have been more historically accurate.

Oasis leaks

Despite Noel Gallagher's grumpy insistence he wouldn't give away his music, not him, oh no, something believed to be a new Oasis track has leaked online.

People who have heard the song report it sounds like an old man trying to remember how to play Maxwell's Silver Hammer while drunk. Which makes it sound quite plausible that it is a new Oasis track.

Black Kids in strange places

They'd been backlashed before they released the album, so we're excited about the Black Kids tour as part of the critical reappraisal phase of their treble-speed career:

Birmingham Academy (October 22)
Oxford Academy (23)
Leeds Met University (27)
Cambridge Junction (28)
London Astoria (30)
Portsmouth Pyramids Centre (November 2)

Labels must change

Peter Gabriel - wearing his We7 hat, of course - has called on record labels to reinvent themselves:

"There's still room for record companies but they should reinvent themselves as a service industry and not as owners.

"The structure of the old album and waiting for that to be finished still has some merit but you can do a lot of other things and I think it should be a lot looser and mixed up."

You have to wonder why Gabriel believes that there is a role for record companies, as if it's a given. There might be a way for those companies to continue to exist, certainly, but the radical reinvention they'll require means they won't be the companies they are now. In other words, in the long run, the record companies of today may only have their stock market initials in common with the beasts they are tomorrow.

It's surprising that Gabriel has assumed there must be a role - it's like telling coal delivery companies that they'll still have a role when the country goes all nuclear; it's simply a matter of giving their delivery team lead trousers.

Miniliveblog: Tony James on Today

Tony James is on the Today programme talking about Carbon Silicon's "steal this record" campaign for the new album.

They've played a snatch - it sounds like they've stolen the music themselves, from Cockey Reject.

Sarah Montague addresses her first question to "Mick Jones" - whoops.

Is this marketing? "We've always started off giving our records away for free."

Adrian Crooks from the Performing Rights Society isn't thrilled - "royalties are a vital income source for musicians..."

Tony: "Me as well."

Adrian says what's interesting is that "someone has paid, somewhere along the line... there has to be a money flow." But is that true? Won't people put stuff online without the thought of reward?

Where does the money come from, Tony? Tony suggests that the costs of making music are a lot lower now - what you're putting in is "your time and commitment." How do you get paid? "We're still able to sell CDs, if we get played on the radio, we'll get paid."

Does Crooks accept that the records will be stolen anyway? It's up to the artists, he concludes.

It still doesn't make the record any good, though.

Chinese Democracy: First release

In a move which is either an audacious start to an album lead-in campaign, or a sign that there aren't any tracks strong enough to release as singles, the first official fruits of the Chinese Democracy sessions are getting a release on the Rock Star 2 game soundtrack.

Shackler’s Revenge will be one of the songs you can add to as a musician (if you accept that when you make Mario go round in his little cart, you are in some way driving.) Typical: after fifteen years, you still have to finish the bloody song yourself.

The deal is being read as signs of an autumn release for the album (perhaps only for the Wii, though.) That sound? It's buttocks tightening in Doctor Pepper offices.

Gordon in the morning: Continuing Winehouse woes

Yesterday, we were worried about Mitch Winehouse.

Today, Gordon is reporting that he collapsed from stress at the end of last week.

This leads to some Simon Bates style croaky-voiced editorialising from Gordon:

And there was the usual two fingers up to her ailing dad too – as she lit up a cigarette on stage.

Mitch spoke this weekend about how even smoking was putting her damaged lungs in serious danger.

But she sparked up anyway in front of cameras and thousands of fans.

Amy does not seem able to change her lifestyle to save herself. Let’s hope she can to save her dad.

Ye-e-s. That'll work.

More worryingly still, Winehouse still seems convinced that Blake is coming home in seven days time, rather than getting a custodial sentence. That's going to be a bit of a crunch, then.

Elsewhere, Gordon offers the prospect of Jessica Simpson faking an orgasm, which, erm, turns out to be a clip from Mike Myers' dreadful The Love Guru, and so was circulating about a month ago when the film was first released in the US.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Til things are brighter

The entertainment industry is hoping for good things in the recession, as people shift their sights from big spending to small treats. And at the front of the queue hoping for a couple more bank failures and a string of repossessions is HMV's Gennaro Castaldo:

"The economic environment has obviously become more challenging for all consumers and retailers alike, and our sector is certainly not immune," said HMV spokesman Gennaro Castaldo.

"However, at such times shoppers look for even more value, and they may also feel nervous about making large purchases, so CDs and DVDs may seem even more appealing, particularly as they've already come down in price quite a bit."

Yes, Gennaro. With the price of bread reaching a point where toast is looking like a giddy purchase for the super-rich, who wouldn't expect the Ultravox back catalogue to suddenly start shifting?

Castaldo is pinning his hopes on slightly-different versions of products with excessive mark-ups:

"Labels are playing their part by releasing more special editions and box sets of particular releases, which can make a title more desirable and collectible to own or to give as a gift," said Castaldo.

Yes. Given the choice of a five-quid album, or a nine-quid album with a cardboard box to keep it in, people who are feeling the pinch will really, really think the expensive box is worth sacrificing a meal for.

Festival misery

It's been a bit of a miserable weekends at the festivals: Not only the bloke being stabbed at T in the Park, but some poor woman at Oxegen got third degree burns after "a friend" somehow hit in the face with a "makeshift blowtorch" and a man was found dead in his T in the Park tent.

We're still trying to work out under what circumstances you'd require a blowtorch, makeshift or otherwise, at a music festival.

Another go for Gomez

Gomez are gathering in Manchester in September to play Bring It On all the way through, to mark ten years since they were thought of as the next big thing ("ten years since the album's Mercury Prize victory").

T in the Park 'despondent' but upbeat over stabbing

Geoff Ellis, T In The Park organiser, is trying to keep the serious stabbing at T in the Park in some sort of context:

"We're despondent about it," he told NME.COM. "Does it cast a cloud over the festival? Well, as serious as it is, it is an isolated incident, and we've had a really well-behaved festival here so far.

"Unfortunately we're seeing things like this in society today, it seems to be on the rise in general. The security here is really robust – we've got a big fence around the site, for example, but it'd be foolish to say that it's impossible to get illegal things [such as knives] into the site."

It's true enough - you can't really expect a pop festival to stop people getting stabbed on-site if, say, secondary schools have trouble doing the same, but "let's focus on the thousands of people who haven't been stabbed" seems a little too glass-half-full in the circumstances.

We're a little freaked out now, to be honest

Thanks to the anonymous commenter who pointed out in response to our line about Iron Maiden turning into storm chasers that, actually, this weekend Iron Maiden cancelled the Metalway festival appearance because of storms:

Due to massive storm damage to the staging and PA and lights in the the last 24 hours or so, today's Zaragoza [show] cannot take place. At this stage it looks unlikely, due to the extent of the damage, that the Metalway Festival can be rescheduled. MAIDEN are sorry that it seems unlikely that they can appear for their fans in Zaragoza. MAIDEN's equipment had not arrived on-site when the storm occurred so this has no effect on continuing MAIDEN's shows in Scandinavia and elsewhere."

Positive streaming

The Hold Steady's new album, Stay Positive. Want to hear it before buying? It's streaming over at Imeem.

A problem Glastonbury hasn't quite had to face yet

There's been a bit of trouble at the Rocklahoma music festival - not people writhing in agony at the name, but high wind and thunderstorms blowing away two stages from the site:

Intricate rigging, amps and metal pillars holding lighting, banners and electrical gear on the north and south side stages “fell in slow motion, like someone took a finger and pushed them forward,” said 12-year-old Nate Cook, who had taken shelter in a nearby merchandise tent when the rain started.
[...]
“The lights went off, everything went,” said Tommy Gunn, whose band, Hollywood Harlot, was scheduled to perform on the stage on Sunday. “Stu* was thrown everywhere, it was a total mess.”

Probably the first time Hollywood Harlot has got a namecheck in an extreme weather story, we'd guess. Or any metal band, come to that. Unless Iron Maiden have been doubling up as storm chasers.

The show did go on, though. We loved this bit in the Tulsa World round-up of the event:

"We watched the sun come up," said Mark Lundbert, 40. "We went to bed at 4:30 or 5."

Lumbert was sporting a skull and crossbones T-shirt, sunglasses and a backward visor covering his long hair. Most people are surprised to hear he's a Unix administrator for an insurance company back in Denver.

You know what? We bet they aren't.

Debbie Harry's embryo face

We love Debbie Harry - even when she tried to insist on being called Deborah Harry, we still loved her. The only thing is...

"I had these cells injected in to me in my early thirties," Debbie reveals. "I read that the famous heart surgeon Christian Barnard was involved in a Swiss clinic researching fresh cell replacement.

"I went along to Switzerland to have a course of 11 injections, from the embryos of black sheep.

"They would take from the liver, glands, bone and whatever and make up these injections.

"It turned out that I was the youngest person to ever have the treatment. Whether that treatment lasted this long, I don't know. But I feel great."

... we don't think we'll kiss her on the cheek, thank you.

Weekend in New York: There Is No Time

A fan-made video for There Is No Time, which actually has the message "if you think things are bad in the late 80s, Mr. Reed, you wait for fifteen years or so..."



[Part of A Weekend In New York]

Maybe we should worry about Mitch, too?

When I suggest that the papers are "worried" about Amy Winehouse, I don't obviously mean in any sense of the word "worry" that normal people would use; but it's still clear that a lot of people - amongst the rubberneckers and gawpers - are genuinely concerned that something terrible is going to happen to her, and wish it would stop.

Part of that might require removing the attention she's being forced to live under.

But it's starting to look increasingly like people should be looking out for her Dad, too: his constant stream of updates to the papers are getting increasingly strange and it seems like the strain is having its toll:

Dad Mitch Winehouse says his superstar daughter has vowed to get clean after receiving a message from his late mum, jazz singer Cynthia Winehouse, who died in 2006.

Now, it's clear from the quote he didn't quite say this:

He said: "We keep having dreams about my mum. Amy had one the night before last in fact.

"My mum said to Amy, 'I'm not very pleased with you, Amy - I'm unhappy with you'.

"Amy asked, 'Why Nan?' and she replied, 'because you're not fulfilling your potential'.

"Maybe my mum needs to work a bit harder from the other side."

Even so, this constant stream of strange and stranger press statements - the very public clutching at any straw - can't be healthy for him, or for his daughter. The editors won't avert their eyes, but surely someone could suggest to Mitch he make himself less available?

Rav: he gets paid for this

We're not going to pass comment on Rav Singh's Kylie piece this morning. We think the commentary writes itself. Especially since it looks like the article did:

Kylie's an X Red Cap!

By Rav Singh

KYLIE MINOGUE shows off some sexy manoeuvres wearing a daring red Army outfit.

The pop princess certainly got my, er, Attention, in a ‘uniform’ that was slashed to the thigh—well she was kicking off the English leg of her X tour.

Oh yes, I was Spinning Around when she put on that number for the Manchester gig. Glad you’re back to your best.

This week just gone

The questions people have come to No Rock to answer this week - according to search terms - have been:

Where can I see the R Kelly video?
What happened to Samantha Mumba?
Rock stars - where are they now?
What is the proper name of the London attraction Ally Pally?
Where is Beatles Band?
Where are free kittens from?
Who's gay in hip-hop?
What is point?
I heart a rock band with women singing shut up i hate on scuzz want 2 know who they are
At what age did they have sex in the old days?
Why did the BBC not show more of the Verve?


These we offered up as the interesting end of releases:


Black Kids - Partie Traumatic


Patti Smith & Kevin Shields - The Coral Sea


Cute Is What We Aim For - Rotation


Biffy Clyro - Singles 2001-2005


So So Modern - Friends and Fires


Albert Hammond Jr - Como Te Llama


Leila - Blood Looms And Blooms


Eat Static - Back To Earth


Various - 12" 1990s Fools Gold, World In Motion, and... some less glittery stuff over three discs


Sam Cooke - The Gospel Soul