Easter track smackdown: Round seven - Sugar Ray Dinke

Good morning, as we pick up our Easter weekend entertainment of shaking online music services to see if they're actually any good. Yesterday, we discovered that it's easier than you might think to find Bernard Cribbins online, and - to our surprise - that there was a Charlottes greatest hits compilation. It also looks like Amazon and iTunes are better places to find slightly obscure music than Spotify or we7.

At this half-way point, we're losing Sweeping The Nation and The Internet As A Whole from the leader board, because it's a lot of typing.

Back to the tussle, then, and let's start today by seeing who can supply us with a digital copy of Cabrini Green, Sugar Ray Dinke's cry of despair at his neighbourhood. "Just don't drive a car or a bus down the street called The Vision" warns Sugar Ray, "if you do drive through, you've made a very bad decision." The risk, he says, is that you might get hit by an egg or a jar, although the song is also a tribute to his friend who got shot in the same place. Given that, you might consider needing to ask the dry cleaner to get a bit of yolk off your shirt is less of a worry.

So: one of the great lost socially aware raps of our time. But will it be available to pump directly into your iPods?

Spotify:
Spotify doesn't have Sugar Ray Dinke - although at least it doesn't insult us by suggesting we wanted Sugar Ray instead. A search on the song title brings up someone called Sir Smurf Lil' doing a track called Caprini Green, which isn't right at all. Zero.

Last FM:
Well, a couple of scrobbles show that, somewhere deep in its user matrix, Last FM has heard of the song, but it's the only evidence it has that Sugar Ray Dinke ever existed. It does try to offer us a track by Philip Glass of the same name, but Glass neglects to warn of flying missiles, so I suspect he's working from an older guide book to Chicago. Zero.

iTunes:
Apple has digitised a wide range of songs about Cabrini Green, including tracks by Glass, Mask and Dirty Sole. None are by our man, though, so zero for iTunes, too.

we7:
This is proving to be a difficult demand. We7 offers up Dirty Sole again, but that's not going to satisfy us. I'm tempted to dock them a point for an advert which keeps proclaiming that "Pink's back" for an album which came out last October, too. But for now, the ghost of Arthur Ellis won't let me.

YouTube:
Now, here's a surprise - if we'd done this over Christmas, YouTube would have failed as all its competing services have failed. But just over a month ago, someone uploaded this:



All five minutes, fifty-five seconds of the song. Ten points to YouTube, and an awkward pause from the Chicago Tourist Board.

Amazon:
Our earlier search for Bernard Cribbins has turned Amazon's head, and it's now hoping that we might want to buy a record by The Wurzels. Cool it, Amazon, we're looking for some rap.

Asked for Sugar Ray Dinke, the best they can do is offer a range of best selling tracks, including Taylor Swift. Missing the point a little. Perhaps we'll have a listen to some Wurzels instead. Zero.

Imeem:
Bloody hell, imeem can surprise you. I was already composing a putdown as I stuck Sugar Ray Dinke into the search box, when up comes the song. Only the Outro, though, so it's eight points.

eMusic:
If you ignore the stupid suggestions for artists, you can't help but be impressed by the range of albums and songs that eMusic offers up. All wrong, mind, but at least there's somethings to choose from. Zero points.

After that exciting round, here's how the placings are looking:

Amazon - 44
iTunes - 34
YouTube - 29
LastFM - 22
Imeem - 20
eMusic - 19
Spotify - 09
We7 - 09

We'll be back this afternoon with the next search - another actor doing some singing on the side; but it's not Billy Bob Thornton. In fact, it's a dead guy, playing off the character he hated to create something truly poignant. Genuinely, not Billy Bob Thornton.

Easter track smackdown: Round six - The Charlottes

Huntingdon's finest and, like many English indie bands of a certain vintage, more appreciated in Japan than back at home. Their drummer went on to drum for Slowdive but, the question is, did Could There Ever Be make it from the Cherry Red back catalogue onto the computers?

To the search engines, then:

Spotify:
The green circle once again struggles with the request, suggesting we perhaps meant Charlotte, and then offering a list of every Charlotte ever to make a record (that it knows of). And Good Charlotte. Zero again.

LastFM:
Similar artists to The Charlottes include the Drop Nineteens, points out Last FM, helpfully. It knows what it's talking about, but can it play us what we want to hear?

Oh, yes. Oh, sweet joy. And pretty much everything else the band formally recorded. Victory for Last FM, and ten shoegazing points.

iTunes:
Not only does iTunes have the band's sole full-length album, Things Come Apart, but also a best of that I've not come across before called Liar. Could There Ever Be is on Liar, so that's another ten points to the boys from Cupertino.

we7:
This is more familiar. We7 fail to break into double figures by hoping that a bunch of karaoke tunes drawn from Charlotte Church's back catalogue might hit the spot. Zero.

YouTube:
Close, but not quite. Caught between girls called Charlottes and what looks like it might be a different band with the same name, there's the video for Liar:



"What is the name of the singer" asks a commenter "She is pretty." She is, and she's Petra Roddis. YouTube gets one point for at least having a little something, even if it wasn't quite what we were after.

Amazon:
Another search engine having trouble with a group of people operating under a girl's name. It does find the sexy and disturbing Mad Girl's Love Song on a Cherry Red album Sex And Violence, and that allows a click through to The Charlottes entire back catalogue in mp3. One point off for usability weakness, so nine marks.

Imeem:
Even putting quote marks round "the Charlottes" doesn't actually stop Imeem offering any file with the word Charlotte in, so if it has got Could There Ever Be in there, it's impossible to find. Zero.

eMusic:
After having so many gripes about eMusic, it does manage to sort The Charlottes from the various other Charlottes, and offer the whole of Liar, so ten points for the track and a point bonus for search that works on this occasion.

So, eMusic finally having a bit of a rallym, leaping over Spotify and we7 to move up the order:

Amazon - 44
iTunes - 34
LastFM - 22
eMusic - 19
YouTube - 19
iMeem - 12
Spotify - 09
We7 - 09
Sweeping The Nation - 0.5
Internet As A Whole - -10

That concludes the three rounds for today; we'll be back with the Easter bunny tomorrow morning when we switch our focus from the leafy suburbs of Cambridgeshire to the harsh streets of the Chicago Projects.

Easter track smackdown: Round five - The Field Mice

The Field Mice. Springing from the at-least-for-a-while seven inch fetishists at Sarah Records, some of the back catalogue has moved into CD form - so has it completed the journey and popped up online?

For our next round, can we find September's Not So Far Away online?

Spotify:
Oh, Spotify. You poor, poor beast. Not only does it boast a single Field Mice track (although rather more from the Toxic Field Mice, who sadly aren't an evil alterego band), but the album it comes from, Sarah Records compilation Electric Common has got the names of the songwriters where the title tracks should be. This is what a fail sounds like. Minus one.

Last FM:
Eleven pages of Field Mice tracks, half of which have had a single scrobble. CBS might want to invest some money in finding ways to tidying up their data, mightn't they? Anyway, just four full tracks, and not even a thirty second burst of September's Not So Far Away. Zero points.

iTunes:
Two (count 'em) identical versions of the song to choose from. But because the software is buggering about with an update, it's going to lose a point. Nine.

we7:
Did you mean the Field Mob?

No.

Zero.

YouTube:
The Field Mice might be a difficult ask for YouTube - the didn't come from a label which invested heavily in promotional clips; and while their fans were obsessive, coming before iMovie and Windows Movie File Manipulation Tool, there's not likely to be many home-made videos... is there?

No! Here it is - with an admission that "the copyright is owned by artists & corresponding record companies" - and perhaps a less-than-inventive visual:



Ten points. Minus one, to be given to the artists, and one, to be given to corresponding record companies.

Amazon:
Amazon has a surprising amount of Field Mice mp3s, including September's Not So Far Away. Ten points.

Imeem:
Having been a bit of a let-down so far, Imeem comes up with the goods this time, thanks to someone who's uploaded the whole of Field Mice compilation Where'd You Learn To Kiss That Way. And they've also got My Little Airport's song When I Listen To The Field Mice, too. Eleven points.

eMusic:
If eMusic's claims to be the kings of the indie mp3 are to have any value, they're going to have to score here. And they do: besides the compilation, they've also got other gems from the Field Mice's work. Twelve points.

So, let's have a look at the old score board:

Amazon - 35
iTunes - 24
YouTube - 18
Last FM - 12
Imeem - 12
we7 - 09
Spotify - 09
eMusic - 08
Sweeping The Nation - 0.5
The Internet As A Whole - -10

We'll be back later this evening with the greatest band ever to hail from the home of Oliver Cromwell.

Simon Cowell enjoys a credit crunch joke

According to The Telegraph this morning:

Simon Cowell has said he is willing to take a pay cut to stay with ITV as he is more interested in making quality TV than money.

Perhaps after a decade or so of doing the reverse, he's decided its time for a change. George Sampson is said to be brushing up his Ibsen in case he gets the call.

Gordon in the morning: Bank holiday cover

Even gossip columns struggle through the bank holiday weekend with a skeleton staff: Gordon Smart (or the work experience guy who worked the Good Friday shift) pretends that anyone is interested in the woman who used to play Kelly Brook and some bloke who does rugby.

Easter track smackdown: Round four - Bernard Cribbins

Welcome back to Easter Track Smackdown, a definitive attempt to prove which online music service is the best by asking them to offer up some tracks of variegated scarcity and rarity, and awarding points on a borderline unfair basis.

We enter into the second day with Amazon's mp3 store in the lead, while much-fancied golden boy Spotify is turning into the Lewis Hamilton of the competiton, yet to score. eMusic has been punished for its poor usability and elevation of putting its sign-up page ahead of actually letting people explore its catalogue.

So, now one that will separate the Zunes from the iPods. Described by Danny Baker as "the most sublime reading of the most sublime lyric", can our competitors bring us Bernard Cribbin's version of I've Grown Accustomed To Here Face?

Spotify:
Spotify, what say you? Yesterday, you came back with nothing. Can you save your face?

Why yes, you can: thirty-two slices of Cribbage, including the very song we're looking for. Suddenly, it looks like we might have a competition on our hands. Ten well-earned points.

Which is just as well, as this would really drag if it was all going to go Amazon's way, right?

LastFM:
Oooh, so close - by virtue of listing The Very Best Of, I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face is there for the scrobbling, but the only full track on offer is Right Said Fred. No points for you, Last FM.

iTunes:
Again, The Very Best Of... turns up trumps for its digital overlords, and I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face can be yours for 79p. Only iTunes has, so far, pointed out that as well as a touching love song about the scent of perfume in the air, you can also enjoy Cribbins' role in Frenzy, but no extra points for suggesting tie-related murders. Ten points.

we7:
Whoever would have thought that this one would prove so easy? Even We7, so far resigned to sitting on the sidelines, has The Very Best Of. 88pence for the track, though, so docked one point for being greedy.

YouTube:
While stacked with various versions of the more-familiar comedy stuff, YouTube can't offer us the Cribmeister doing this particular song. Indeed, it looks like Google has no evidence at all of Bernard's straight music career - how right the PRs are to characterize them as buffoons of the highest order.

There is, though, a strange, potato-like stop-motion animation version of Right Said Fred, which I'm sure once popped up on TV as a filler item during some sort of technical or industrial relations breakdown. And scarred me for life. They're not getting points for that.

Amazon:
Amazon also have The Very Best Of loaded and ready to pump at you faster than you can say "Star Turn Challenge". And since they're ten pence cheaper than iTunes, for the sake of consistency Amazon get 11 points.

Imeem:
Only The Hole In The Ground and Right Said Fred. It's like an ITV documentary version of his work. Zero.

eMusic:
Usability meltdown nightmare time. Yes, says the search, we have Bernard Cribbins. Step this way... only to show a compilation album with 49 tracks, of which you can only see the names of 15 tracks at a time, and none of which have the names alongside. Until you leave the artist page altogether.

And then it turns out that they've got Sit Down, You're Rocking The Boat. One point for having something, taken away again for being cussed.

So, four rounds in - here's the leader board:

Amazon - 25
iTunes - 15
Last FM - 12
Spotify - 10
YouTube - 10
we7 - 09
Imeem - 01
Sweeping The Nation - 0.5
emusic - -04
The Internet As A Whole - -10

This afternoon, we go searching for something that originally came in a plastic bag. No, not Pete Doherty's "lunch".

Zune finally overhauls "other" mp3 players

What, exactly, are the millions Microsoft has poured into Zune getting it? Besides snarky headlines when they discover they can't cope with leap years?

Well, according to Piper Jaffray's biannual Teen Survey, not very much. The US teens surveyed reported Zune ownership at 4% which is, admittedly, up a percentage point on this time last year. But the iPod is at 86%, as high as it was this time last year - and, with a terrible symmetry, 4% higher than it was when the Zune launched.

In other words: Apple has increased its market share amongst teens at the same rate as Microsoft.

The real sting, though? 100% of the teens who intend to buy a new player this year say they're thinking of getting an iPod. Sure, some of those who go the store might be swayed by getting the same sort of thing in a Zune-shaped package for a little less (if they find them in the store), but to know that nobody thinks of your device as a default wish-list item must be a little disappointing.

[The survey only interviewed 600 teenagers; 19% said they intended to buy a new player in the next twelve months. Story via The Licensing Plate]

QTrax launches again

It seems we can't go through a couple of months without news of QTrax 'launching', or relaunching, or preparing to relaunch its launch.

Since the last time it launched when it didn't actually launch, similar-but-actually-working service SpiralFrog has thrown in the towel. Is QTrax worried that SpiralFrog had all those months advantage and still flopped?

But Qtrax maintains its business model is different than SpiralFrog's. The former CEO of SpiralFrog - Robin Kent, who left the company a year before it went under - serves as an advisor for Qtrax.

You see? That's totally a totally different model, because that guy's sat over there instead of standing there. You can smell the win, can't you?

Actor Billy Bob Thornton takes his self-importance to the public

Having made a holy show of himself on Canadian radio, actor-turned-don't-call-him-actor Billy Bob Thornton has now started to make himself look stupid in front of a paying audience, too.

Thornton kicked off by referencing the coverage of his tiresome interview:

"It seems as if when I say something it's in the news," Thornton told the crowd, according to the Toronto Star.

Actually, not in "the news", Bobby Bill, but it does seem when you say something it turns up on the self-importance round-up.

The fans weren't all that impressed, and started booing.

Thornton replied, "Boo all you want, but I want to say something — we're really happy to be here, but I need to say something. I talked to this asshole yesterday."

To? Or out of?

Thornton went on to explain that the radio show's producers had promised not to make any references to his acting career.

But why? In God's name, why? It's like having Socrates on and him insisting that no reference be made to his philosophy. Well, not Socrates. Who would be the philosophical equivalent of Bobby's acting? Pa Boswell from Bread, probably.

"I don't really like sensationalism," he told the crowd at Massey Hall. "If you look someone in the eyes and promise them something, and you don't do it, you don't get the interview. That's the way it goes."

It's not really "sensationalism" to mention that you're an actor, though. It's surely a known fact?

The audience - who were really there for Willie Nelson - were having none of it:

Thornton's explanation did not satisfy the audience, and they began jeering, "Here comes the gravy," a reference to Thornton's description of Canadian audiences during the CBC interview as "mashed potatoes with no gravy."

Billy Bob Thornton is an actor.

Against Me do a Tesco Value Tour

Against Me - sure, they're a 'take it or leave it' sort of band, but you can't fault the value: they've launched a ten dollar tour. It's partly because of the times we're living in, partly because they're playing to test some songs live. Seems fair enough to not take a full fee if you're doing a kind-of rehearsal.

Not sure I'd ever pay more than ten bucks for them in full-on mode, but it's a nice gesture.

Easter track smackdown: Round three - Mohobishopi

[Follow the Easter Track Smackdown tag for all the pieces to date]

With Amazon holding onto a slim lead over Last FM, we reach round three of this weekend's battle to prove, sort-of-conclusively, which of the various online music services are, by some measure, "the best".

The third challenge is MoHoBishOpi's Names For Nameless Things. Coming out of Wales in 1996, briefly the Mos - or were they the Bishes? - were forced to trade under the weight of the NME's next big thing label. Although only for a couple of weeks. They were brilliant live, but there's no way you can say that without making it sound like the faintest of praise; they managed a handful of singles and a single album before falling apart in 2002.

But: does their spirit live on online? Or has their clumsy punctuation doomed them to hide from the faithful forever? Let's see:

Spotify:
The name, punctuated or not, fails to generate a response. The song title fails to generate a response. Spotify, you were meant to be the future of music: you're looking like an empty ship right now. Zero, again.

Last FM:
Using asterisks rather than dashes, Last FM turns up the band, but Names For Nameless Things isn't part of the music on offer. There are two full tracks, though, so two bonus points for a good try.

iTunes:
Scratches its digital head faced with the band name, and suggests trying a "power search". Which fails to find Names For Nameless Things, and suggests trying another "power search". No points.

we7:
What? Don't worry about what you're looking for - we've got digital versions of Black Sabbath. And Kings Of Leon. Will that do?

No points.

YouTube:
The search engine starts off by guessing that you're looking for experts in matters Islamic before falling quiet and offering a Sweeping The Nation playlist which features the clip for Hear The Air, but more importantly has this:



The Popguns from Brighton, doing Waiting For The Winter - and, as if to crystalize the 1980s indieness of it all, it's taped from Yorkshire TV's legendary Transmission programme.

So, YouTube offers a couple of tracks by the band, but scores zero, while Sweeping The Nation gets half a point for having The Popguns. If you don't like the way the scoring is working, complain to Ben Goldacre.

Amazon:
Their search engine reveals there are no downloads on offer, but does point towards some physical records you can buy. Which is fine, and does include a second-hand copy of Names For Nameless Things for a penny, but isn't instantaneous, is it? No marks.

Imeem:
Unhelpfully, when looking for the track name, suggests that I might want to watch a video exploring if the Harry Potter books are any good. Zero.

emusic:
The rotten search engine spits back when asked for MoHoBishOpi, and suggests that 'it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing' is, somehow, a match for the song title. Man, their search needs help.

So, although we had a lovely swerve into the Popguns, the actual song we were looking for is beyond the fingers of digitalisation. Ten marks off for the internet as a whole.

After three rounds:

Amazon - 14
Last FM - 12
YouTube - 10
iTunes - 05
Imeem - 01
Sweeping The Nation - 0.5
We7 - 00
Spotify - 00
eMusic - -04
The Internet as a whole - -10

Three more rounds tomorrow, Sunday and Monday at roughly the same times as today's went live. Coming next: can Tim Berners Lee bring a showtune classic as rendered by the Dalek's foe into our living rooms?

Easter track smackdown: Round two - Gary Clail

So, it turns out you can browse eMusic without being logged in, but the big "SIGN UP" splash-screen doesn't give you a browse button; it's only later, when you've tried to get your password back that you find it. They do have Fire Escape, but are fined seven points for being a horrible experience. And, also, for having a glacially slow 'retrieve your password' service.

On to round two, and it's On The Wire/Snub TV favourite Gary Clail with his proto-Peta veg-pusher track Beef. Beef! How low can you go? Hear the cattle cry - death row. You know the one.

Officially credited to Gary Clail On-U Sound System featuring Bim Sherman, this made it to 64 in the charts back in 1990. And impacted on sales of sausages at the far end of student halls of residences for about a week.

You have to wonder: had the On-U Sound System ever got the success they deserved, and its component parts branched out into their own fashion ranges, would Bim Sherman constantly have had his clothes seized by trading standards, alongside Gooci belts and DYKN sunglasses?

Come on, then, competiting music services - can you give me a side of Beef?

Spotify:
After a wobbly start with Rote Kapelle, at least Spotify can point to a few Gary Clail tracks. But no Beef.

I am, of course, pondering at which point to deploy my 'where's the Beef' gag. Don't want to go too soon with it.

Last FM:
They come up with the goods - or, at least, thirty seconds of the goods. It's a minced Beef. To add insult to injury, it's a snatch of an extended version. What's the point of that, exactly?

Zero.

iTunes:
Again, iTunes offer a smattering of three Gary Clail tracks and one he's done a dub all over. But no Beef. Zero for them, too. This is turning into a rout.

we7:
"Did you mean Gary Clark?" enquires we7, suggesting, in the digital-stores-as-1980s-high-street metaphor, they're occupying the role of an assistant who's been shifted from the Book department to the WH Smiths record department, struggling with the paper catalogue but desperate to help. Zero.

YouTube:
Pushing aside the young pretenders, YouTube comes up with the goods:



Ten points. Although it's lucky we're not docking points for visual clarity.

Amazon:
Bemusingly, Amazon's mp3 store has no Gary Clail tracks, but offers three ways to search him to get no returns. Minus one for taking the piss a bit.

Imeem:
There's no Beef on Imeem, but they do have more Gary Clail stuff than anyone else bar YouTube. A point for the effort.

eMusic:
Bloody hell, I've used eMusic in the past and don't remember it being so user-hostile. A search on Gary Clail comes up with this:

Artist names matching gary clail (623 results)

* Gary Numan
* Keith Jarrett, Gary Peacock, Jack DeJohnette
* Gary Peacock
* Gary Moore
* Gary Burton
* Gary Stadler
* Gary Jules
* Gary Versace
* Gary Hoey
* Gary Lewis and The Playboys
* Gary Cooper
* Rev. Gary Davis
* The Gary Tesca Orchestra
* Gary Bartz
* Gary Numan / Tubeway Army

more

How, exactly, does Gary Numan "match" Gary Clail? This is the Woolworths' assistant suggesting "ooh, there was a lad lived up the road called Gary; he was Elsie's eldest, went to sea, I think; his brother married a nutritionist." After a lot of pushing, eMusic eventually offers up rapidly-forgotten late-90s Dutch dub act Beef, which earns them a point for fighting obscurity with obscurity.

At the end of the second round, then:

Amazon - 14
LastFM - 10
YouTube - 10
itunes - 05
Imeem - 01
Spotify - 00
We7 - 00
eMusic - -04

We'll be back in the evening with the next round: Ready for some NME-praised mid-90s Welsh rock, anyone?

Anathema anathema to Tunisians

Why you should be very carefully choosing your band name, part thirty-teen: Liverpudlian act Anathema were booked to play a big gig in front of (it says here) one thouand Tunisian fans. But they turned up to find the gig canceled.

And then they tried to arrange it again. Only for it be canceled.

It turns out the authorities believed they were Satanists:

Guitar technician Darryl Anthony wrote in his blog: “Our promoter informed us that somebody has informed the Tunisian interior ministry that Anathema are Satan worshippers who eat black cats and drink their blood.

“The ministry have requested song lyrics to peruse over the weekend in order to put their minds at rest.”

It's far from clear if it was the eating cats, or the drinking of cat's blood, which gave the Tunisian Interior Ministry most concerns. Perhaps they were especially afraid of the development of an espeically satanic cat-based black pudding which combined the most evil of two worlds.

The Liverpool Echo finds compelling evidence that they can't be Satanic:

Their lyrics, often focusing on love and loss, have never been a matter of controversy and they often play special gigs with accompaniment from friends in the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra.

Stringed instruments. How could they be evil?

Darkness at 3AM: Oh my God, you killed journalism. You bastards.

There's a warning from 3AM today:

Joke around with Kanye West at your peril...

Really? Why, 3AM Girls?

In Wednesday's episode of South Park, entitled Fishsticks, a cartoon Kanye tells David Letterman and Jay Leno: "I am not gay! And I'm not a fish!"

Then, incensed at being the butt of the show's joke, the 31-year-old rapper beats comedian Carlos Mencia to death with a baseball bat. Ouch!

So... you're saying we should be careful making sport of Kanye West because of something a cartoon version of him did? You're actually saying that, are you?

And... if I just take a step back... you're running a news item which is effectively something that happened in a cartoon on US TV?

Trinity Mirror staff who are currently facing compulsory redundancy will be delighted to see exactly where the savings made by throwing them out of work are being spent.

Vevo in vitro: YouTube, Universal make a deal

You can call it, if you wish, Universal's attempt to create a musical Hulu: YouTube and Universal have shaken hands on a plan for a site under an ugly brand to "highlight" UMG's artists:

Google’s YouTube and Vivendi’s Universal Music Group will be launching a new site, dubbed VEVO, that will highlight UMG’s videos. The site will launch in “coming months” according to a press release (below). And YouTube users will still be able to watch UMG clips from the likes of Lil Wayne via a “new VEVO channel through a special VEVO branded embedded player.”

When I was a kid, the corner shop was called Vivo. One time, the assistant took all the neck-labels off the Daddy's sauce bottles so I could send away for the free Basil Brush toy they were offering without the need to tiresomely purchase the three bottles of sauce required. I was too shy to tell her that I didn't really want a Basil Brush, but it was awfully nice of her to do it. Although if you came in later and bought a bottle of sauce, and liked Basil Brush, you might not think so. But there are always losers.

You can see why YouTube might be hoping that a safe area, with only official stuff, might give a chance of selling some advertising against its massive, expensive video inventory.

You can also understand why Universal might hope this will work - nobody on the top floor of labels has ever really quite understood that, for most labels, and for most of the audience, the label that a track comes out on means nothing; that nobody is going to think "I wonder what fine artists Universal might want to entertain me with today".

Ironically, the only way VeVo is going to work is if websearch is brilliant at delivering people looking for the artist's videos to the site, which means they're going to be more reliant on Google than ever.

Gordon in the morning: Insulting your intelligence, even on the holidays

To be fair, it does feel credible to suggest that Madonna's response to any problem would be to buy houses until the problem goes away, but it's shameful that The Sun is running a story about her "plans" for a Malawi house without even the slightest suggestion that they're doing their bit as part of a propaganda war:

[T]he chart-topper has instructed her architects to draw up plans for a home in the African country, as she believes adopted son DAVID BANDA would benefit from a connection to his birthplace.

Do you think, Madonna?

Talking of irony, does Gordon really think the best way to illustrate a piece about Geri Halliwell's stalker and how they hang about outside her house all day, invading her privacy and straining to just get a glimpse of her, is by running a long-lens paparazzi snap of Halliwell?

Easter track smackdown: Round one - Rote Kappelle

Welcome to the Bank Holiday weekend, and welcome to a scientific* attempt to determine the answer to the question: what's better, Spotify, or Last FM, or iTunes, or We7, or YouTube. Or Amazon. Or maybe Imeem.

* - it's not actually scientific.

The rules, such as they are, are simple. There's a list of twelve tracks - we'll do three a day, using the same search terms on each service. Ten points for a service offering the track, bonus points awarded for coming close. At the end of the weekend, we'll know, beyond any doubt, which music service is the best. The other services will have until May Day weekend to close down.

Exciting, isn't it?

So, round one: the track to get us going is Rote Kapelle's Fire Escape.

Named after a Soviet spy ring in Nazi Germany, and part of the incestuous rock family tree that covered The Pastels, Jesse Garon, The Fizzbombs and The Shop Assistants, Fire Escape turned up on Marc Riley's InTape label back in 1988. It featured - as was mandated by law for all political tracks in that decade - a sample of Thatcher.

So, come on then, online music services: find me some agitjangle.

Spotify:
Nothing at all from Rote Kapelle. It does offer something by the band The Fire Escape, and two other songs called Fire Escape. But that's a zero.

Last FM:
Last FM know all about Rote Kapelle and offer the song in full, from Thatcher's "It is the spirit of Britain" to the jangling end. Win! 10 points.

iTunes:
iTunes offers a download of the "non-dance mix" of Fire Escape, from the San Francisco Again EP. Not the canon version, but enough for five points.

we7:
Nothing from Rote Kapelle, and the store mocks its own lack of success by suggesting the Pyromanics' No Fire Escape album. Zero.

YouTube:
YouTube has live clips from a different band of the same name - opening for a band called The Devil Wears Prada, which is an eclectic mix of the highbrow and pop culture references on one bill. But our Rote Kapelle? Not a sniff. Zero.

Amazon:
After a little bit of thinking about it, the search returns <sixteen tracks, including both the seven inch version and the twelve inch remix. And there's even a picture of the seven inch in its sleeve. Fifteen points.

Imeem:
They've never heard of Rote Kapelle; looking for Fire Escape dredges up a lot of results - including clips of Will And Grace. I thought we'd agreed we'd never mention Will And Grace again, hadn't we? No.

eMusic requires a log-in before you can search; I've lost my password and it's taking an age for them to mail it to me. Minus five.

So, at the end of the first round:

Amazon - 15
LastFM - 10
itunes - 05
Spotify - 00
We7 - 00
YouTube - 00
Imeem - 00
eMusic - -05

LastFM does also have the extended Fire Escape, by the way, but you have to go looking for it, even after you've done a search. Also, it's not entirely a version with much of a point, apart from a late goading of U2.

Another round later today.

Britney Spears: Put that light out

Britney Spears suspended on-stage activities for half an hour during her Vancouver gig while the audience was asked to stop smoking.

Her body, after all, is a temple.

The Canadian government has announced plans to add a photo of an empty stage and the words 'Smoking can interrupt your Britney Spears gig' as a health warning on packets of fags, although some have warned that might actually increase the number of people smoking ciggies.

Kanye West Inc expands product range

It's been a good 48 hours since Kanye West has stretched his brand over any new products, which must mean we're about to get some product launches. Now word yet of Kanye West Pop Tart, but here comesKanye West Energy Drinks and Cologne:

West will be involved in the entire development process of a new beverage "inspired by his own personal artistic vision," the company announced yesterday (April 8). The new drink is expected to launch later this year. As part of the deal, West is now an equity partner in the company [Guru beverages].

Inspired by his own artistic vision? How does he pipe that into a sugary drink, exactly?

"I express myself through music, fashion, art and design and that's why I am excited to collaborate with GURU; because the brand values what I value, and I can put what inspires me into this new product," West said in a statement.

The brand values what West values? That would be money, then, would it?

But what of the cologne?

West is also part of a deal that will see branded perfumes and colognes from Jay-Z, Rihanna, and West himself. Parlux Fragrances, Inc., announced Tuesday (April 7) that it has signed an agreement with Iconic Fragrances LLC, Jay-Z's own licensing company. The agreement allows for royalties, profit sharing, and stock options for West and the others.

Suspicions that the bottles of Kanye West Drink and Kanye West Stink will contain the same, slightly sickening, liquid are beneath you.

Would it be beneath us to dance about yelling 'in your face, Paul McGuinness'?

After Paul McGuinness - who manages U2, you know - lovingly crafted his letter to the French government praising them for introducing three strikes, the upper house throws out the measure.

You'd love to think that reading McGuinness' slobbering piece in Le Figaro persuaded them against it, wouldn't you?

Gospelobit: David 'Pop' Winans

Six months after suffering a stroke, David Winans - patriarch of the Winans clan - has died.

Father of CeCe and BeBe Winans, David was twice Grammy nominated in his own right - once for the solo record Uncensored; once for Mom & Pop Winans.

When not recording gospel or managing his kids' gospel bands, Winans passed through a number of careers. Unsurprisingly, one of them was as a priest, but he also sold cars, drove cars and cut hair for a living.

After finding success, he worked with various Detroit youth groups.

He fell ill last October, and had been thought of as in recovery after he left hospital at the start of this year. He is survived by his wife, and nine of his ten children.

"Only Madonna can save us now"

The imminent destruction of Western civilization seems more and more attractive as even earthquake victims seem incapable of thinking in anything other than celebrity terms:

Madonna has promised $500,000 to help victims of Italy's devastating earthquake, said Fernando Caparso, mayor of Pacentro, the mountainside village where two of the pop star's grandparents were born.

Carparso told The Associated Press on Wednesday that that he had spoken to the pop star's manager and that he was deeply moved by Madonna's effort to assist the town as well as surrounding areas.

"Madonna was the only one who could help us," he said. "Other then being a great singer, a great rock star and an intelligent woman, with this gesture she has become a great woman," he said.

Let's hope that the money makes it through - Malawi is still waiting for its $3.7million Gucci/Madonna fundraiser, and Madonna spokesmutterer Liz Rosenberg seems reluctant to commit to a figure:

Liz Rosenberg, the pop singer's spokeswoman, confirmed that Madonna had pledged a "substantial amount," in quake relief but didn't disclose the exact figure.

And not everyone is thrilled by the offer in the first place:

Rosa Napoli, 90, was less than approving. "She is a woman that men like. She is not the Madonna that is worshipped in church," Napoli said as she left a small church where she attended an evening Mass.

Thanks for clearing that up, Ms Napoli. I do always get the two of them muddled up - it's easy to mistake the woman who recorded Like A Virgin for a 2,000 year old, don't you find?

Still: It's reassuring to know that whenever the world gets too obsessed with celebrity, we can always rely on the nonagenarians to pull us back.

Peta Shop Boys

Am I misremebering, or does PETA insist on the Pet Shop Boys changing their name once every two or three weeks?

I'm not even sure it makes any sense, either - sure, some pet shops are horrible places; personally, if Neil Tennant turned up at Pet City in Aurora Mall in Denver, set the poor, crushed creatures free and then locked the management in tiny, overheated perspex boxes while inviting the population of Colorado to bash rhythmically on the door for ten hours a day, I would be delighted.

But many pet shops don't sell pets; they only sell things that make pets happy. Catnip and bottles for feeding rabbits and things that delight puppies. Some, indeed, also try to rehouse rescue dogs and cats, to save them from being destroyed - something which might give PetSmart a moral lead over PETA.

Still, PETA are happy that the Pet Shop Boys have elected to not change their name, but have posted a message of support:

“The organisation PETA Europe, dedicated to establishing and protecting the rights of all animals, has written to Pet Shop Boys with a request they are unable to agree to but nonetheless think raises an issue worth thinking about.”

Coming next week: Buttsteak are badgered to change their name retrospectively to Butttofu.

Sony invent device for playing Bits And Pieces

There's nothing like a device that's been invented to solve a problem which doesn't really exist.

Meet the latest product to be flung out under the Walkman brand.

It's a tiny music player, which sits in the ears:

Sony think that the player, which goes on sale in Britain from today at £60, will be ideally suited for people exercising, who do not like long wires.

So, it's wireless, is it?

The two earpieces are connected by a short wire that goes around the listener's head.

I'd love to see the focus grouping on this - "this wire is thirteen centimetres: too long? How about this one? This one is twelve and a half...". Is the answer to not wanting long, trailing wires really to make the wire shorter rather than eliminate the wire altogether?

But the longwireless nature of the device isn't its key selling point. Oh, no.

When the NWZ-W202 player is on shuffle mode, the device automatically detects and plays the main chorus part of each track, helping you find the song you want. If a listener does not like a song, a quick tap of a button on the device, will select another song.

I'm sorry? Instead of starting songs at the start, it 'discovers' the chorus and plays that first?

Sony believes that many listeners do not recognise the first few bars of a track and, as a result, get frustrated that it is only when they are 30 seconds into a song before they realise they do not want to listen to it.

Because, of course, every song starting half-way through and then jumping back to the beginning isn't in any way annoying, is it?

Besides, this device only holds 300 songs. If you've only got space for 300 songs, how the hell are you managing to put tracks on you don't recognise?

And what does the player do if the song doesn't have a chorus? What then? And how about if people don't actually recognise songs by the chorus? If it was really going to reflect the way people talk about songs, shouldn't it just blast a confused voice saying "oh, it's that one by that woman who used to date the bloke off EastEnders; you know the one, it goes diddle-diddle-dee-dah; she wore that bikini in the video. You know the one."

What's even more bemusing is that Sony are trying to pitch this as somehow being "in the spirit" of the original Walkman:

Paul Gyles, Group Product Manager, Sony United Kingdom Limited: "There are definitely some interesting parallels between the first Walkman and what we're doing now with the W Series. The original Walkman came from consumer desire for music on the move, something that hadn't been previously possible. The W Series is about complete freedom of movement and that requires the removal of wires and integration of mp3 player and headphones. We're simply meeting a human desire to listen to music without restriction."

Pssst... Paul, you haven't removed the wires. You've just made them smaller.

Oh, they've called the "technology" of going to the chorus and then going back a bit Zappin. Of course they have.

The idea is so awful, the Telegraph don't even bother to suggest it's an iPod killer.

Billy Bob Thornton: I, not an actor

Given that he's not the greatest musician, you might have thought that Billy Bob Thornton would have been delighted that CBC's Jian Ghomeshi reminded the audience that he was also known for being an actor.

Nope. Cue a petulant bout of babying from Thornton:

Ghomeshi: Billy Bob, you guys formed only in the last couple years, right?

Thornton: I don't know what you're talking about.

Ghomeshi: How so?

Thornton: I don't know what you mean by that.

Ghomeshi: When did the band form?

Thornton: I'm not sure what that means.
[...]
Ghomeshi: You would prefer me to only do this interview not mentioning at all, just to clarify, at all that you've ever done anything in terms of acting, screenwriting.

Thornton: That's correct.

Ghomeshi: Part of the attention that you are getting is because of the great career you've had in other ways. What I'm explaining is, I'm not trying to be insulting to your musical ...

Thornton: What I'm explaining is that we said do not talk about s--t like that. And we also said that we didn't want to hear anything about how this is my first love. You wouldn't say that to Tom Petty, would you? "I understand music is your first love." Well, my first love was a chick named Lisa Cone. You know what I mean?

Well, perhaps not, Billy - although you might ask Petty "was music always your first love" - but given that you've only got people listening to your terrible music because you first made a name for yourself making movies, it's not like you're Tom Petty, is it? It's a fair question, surely: if you really always wanted to make music, isn't it curious that you made Bad Santa first?

Of course, suggestions that Thornton was behaving like a petulant jerk were quickly swatted away by his damage-limitation squad:

Thornton's publicist, Arnold Robinson, disputes suggestions that what followed was a breakdown by the actor -- hmmm, musician.

He "simply elected not to engage with the interviewer because of the direction of the interview from the outset," Robinson told CNN. Thornton took the reference to his movie career as an insult to his musical endeavor.

You know who else was like that? The Singing Postman. He was always telling interviewers to screw themselves - "why do you keep asking me about delivering letters? Why? Why?"

Gordon in the morning: Adopting fresh positions

You know who's been a rock during the whole story about Madonna's credit card being refused at the baby checkout? Guy Ritchie, that's who. At least, according to Gordon:

THE thick layer of ice between GUY RITCHIE and MADONNA is starting to thaw.

Film director Guy has been consoling his ex over her failed adoption bid in a series of tearful phone calls, I can reveal.

Sniff.

Guy stunned everyone by issuing a statement supporting Madge

Well, certainly he'd have stunned Sun readers, who have been fed a diet of stories claiming the pair hated each other so much they could barely stand the thought that their lungs worked in similar ways.

He said: �I fully supported Madonna in her decision to apply for this adoption, and I am saddened her application has been rejected.

�She is motivated only by being a caring parent who seeks to share some of the advantages and opportunities that her life has given her.�

Just as a sidebar - could someone at The Sun please buy a book about the internet and stop the big diamond question marks appearing all over their website?

Yes, a surprising statement - especially if you'd spent the last two years reading this sort of thing:

GUY RITCHIE has rowed bitterly with Madonna over her plans to adopt an African baby, The Sun can reveal.

The film director fears his wife may just want the child as a celebrity status symbol ? and that she has not considered the potential problems of such a move.

Still, the paper is currently going through a warm patch in its relations with Madonna, trying desperately to paint 'having adoption rejected because it wasn't legal' as being something else entirely:

...after a Malawian judge refused the adoption, even though other authorities gave it the green light, because she hadn’t lived in the country for 18 months.

Oh, it was just a persnickety judge focusing on a tiny, tiny detail. Everyone else in Malawi was fine with it, right?

Elsewhere, Gordon shows respects for elders:

A FLUFFY grey poncho and matching hat sounds like an outfit my gran would wear to the bingo on a Saturday night.

But ANGELINA JOLIE looks dabber, sorry dapper, in old dears’ threads in her latest movie.

Gordon, mate: probably not a wise idea to take the piss out of older people when your ultimate boss is seventy-seven.

And, in perhaps the most horrible image ever published by the Sun, for some reason we're subjected to a snap of Bono with - apparently - his hand down his swimming trunks. Isn't there some sort of law?

It's not just Posh Spice

If you think Spongebob Squarepants is being generous to Victoria Beckham, inviting her to rejoin the artistic roster with a cameo in his cartoon, that's nothing compared to the other faded celeb getting a spongy leg-up:



Yes, Sir Mix-A-Lot has been dug up to help push Squarepants Burger King meals.

Who next, Spongebob? Brian And Michael? Freddy 'Parrot Face' Davies? Who next?

No Doubt return, sort of

The long-awaited return of No Doubt (anything that stops Gwen Stefani from launching ranges of products) is nearly upon us. Sort-of.

They're doing a Gossip Girl cameo appearance. Sort-of:

"As you know, they're reuniting, they're going on tour, and they wanted to do a TV appearance and reached out to us on 'Gossip Girl,' " Schwartz said. "And then we came back and asked them, 'What about being an '80s band?' So they came on as 'Snow Doubt' and they did a cover of Adam & the Ants' 'Stand and Deliver.' It was amazing."

Why would No Doubt have been in the 1980s? And why would they be named after themselves mixed with a weak pun? Given that Gossip Girl is meant to be set in the real world, doesn't a band apparently having traveled back in time undermine its credibility somewhat?

Victoria Beckham: Sponger

That clicking sound? That's the sound of a lost soul finally finding her cultural level. Sure, taking a part in Spongebob Squarepants is going to stretch Victoria Beckham a little, but at last she has found a place where her talents might fit.

iTunes launches variable prices, up to a point

Apple have launched the new, record company pleasing 'tiered pricing' levels to iTunes in the US. It's not all bad, of course, because as well as ramping some prices up to $1-29, other downloads were going to be cut to just 69 cents.

You win some, you lose some.

The trouble is Richard Menta has been looking, and he can't seem to find any of these cheaper downloads:

Do you want to download Heart's 34-year old Barracuda? That will now cost you $1.29. Of course, to some Baby Boomers that song serves as a mini national anthem to the 1970's so it may not be the best example. Maybe, I should look at not just at older music, but music that is less popular too.

So I next checked iTunes for the Katydids wonderful 1991 album Shangri-La. That album was not a big success and hit the bargin bins early on. It has been out-of-print on CD for over a decade, but it is on iTunes. Surly, those tracks had to be priced at $0.69! Nope, all were $0.99. All the tracks from late-80's college faves Camper Van Beethoven and the Lyres also stayed at $0.99.

Menta even found Apple punting tracks from Ada Jones, whose 1920 recordings are in the public domain, at 99 cents.

But he couldn't find anything at 69 cents. Not a thing.

Surely Apple wouldn't have told everyone an outrageous lie to try and make a price rise look like part of a more-friendly-sounding restructuring, would it? Would it? Why won't you look me in the eye, iPod?