Fopp free in the future?

Something good in the collapse of HMV: It looks like Fopp might be set free to live an independent life once more.

Still ill: Morrissey cancels more

While Lil Wayne might be doing better than TMZ claimed, Morrissey seems to be iller than anyone thought. His start-stop-on-again-off-again US tour has been axed altogether:

The remaining dates of the Morrissey U.S. North American tour have officially been pulled down due to medical reasons. The singer has suffered a series of medical mishaps over the past few months including a bleeding ulcer, Barrett’s esophagus and double pneumonia.

Despite his best efforts to try to continue touring, Morrissey has to take a hiatus and will not be able to continue on the rest of the tour. Morrissey thanks all of his fans for their well wishes and thoughts. Refunds for the remaining shows are available at point of purchase.

Don't worry, I've googled Barrett's esophagus for you:

Reflux may cause symptoms of heartburn. It may also damage the lining of the esophagus. The esophagus lining then changes in appearance and looks like the stomach lining (Barrett's esophagus).

In other words, Morrissey's stomach is clambering out of his belly towards his mouth. Wouldn't you take time off work if that was happening to you?

Lil Wayne lil' better than TMZ claimed

Last night, TMZ was writing Lil Wayne off, finger hovering above the button to post the prepared obituary:

Wayne's mother is currently on a plane flying to Los Angeles -- and we're told all major decisions about Wayne's health (including the decision to discontinue life support) will not be made until she arrives.

What TMZ have quietly, and shamelessly, dropped from their story is their claim that Wayne had received the last rites. Because it simply wasn't true.

You'd think TMZ, of all people, would know that you can't do something like that without people noticing - they might have taken down the fact-that-wasn't, but all the gossip sites that leach off them had already copied the story and written 'TMZ say Wayne getting last rites' into the permanent record. And a gazillion tweets also caught the error:

BREAKING: TMZ reports that rapper Lil Wayne is in critical condition and has been read his last rites. wp.me/p2OIU3-7bj

— FOX17 (@FOX17) March 16, 2013

The reaction to TMZ's early dispatch on Lil'Wayne's final dispatch hasn't been warm, it's fair to say. The Huffington Post captured TI's response:

That shit surely got his mama hurtin,his kids hurtin,& he got true to da game patnas like me & Othas who ready to RIDE bout all da fuck shit

Which, funnily enough, is exactly the same thing Leveson said in his report in the section on the Express' coverage of The McCanns.

To be fair to TMZ, their crack team has realised that something is odd about the whole story:

Wayne is sleeping right now ... which is odd, because he just tweeted saying he's OK and thanking people for the prayers and love.

Yes, the attempt to try and pretend it hadn't killed him off is being built around an attempt to make something out of the idea that someone might be tweeting from his account.

You know what, TMZ - the really astonishing thing about Lil Wayne's official account saying he's OK isn't that it contradicts what you heard about him sleeping, but more that it contradicts the thing you published about him having the last rites.

Sure, everyone makes mistakes and - in a bid to outrun the hearses, you're going to be liable to make mistakes of this nature. But surely - as self-appointed guardians of showbiz behaviour - an admission and an apology is what's called for, not a silent deletion and a hope nobody noticed?

Bonus bogus: TMZ collect a bunch of reactions to Wayne's hospitalization, not one of which mentions last rites, nor the site's part in the exaggeration of his death.

Gordon in the morning: Gordon in the Mail

There's an interesting chance to see not one, but two, of our successful tabloids at work this morning, as Adele is linked to a sponsorship deal.

Gordon breaks the story - and I'm using "breaks" generously here, as it seems to be little more than a collection of things that, theoretically, could happen:

MOST bets on the only brand with a chance of signing up ADELE would have been on Diamond White cider.

But that could all change thanks to a £10million pay cheque.

If they've actually negotiated a price, then the deal must be done, right?

Cosmetics giants including Estée Lauder, L’Oréal and Dior are fighting it out to make the singer the face of their skincare ranges.

Or it could be Cover Girl. Or Number Seven. Or Superdrug.

The vagueness of the story is underpinned, solely, by an unnamed source:

A source said: “Adele is in big demand. She would only accept if the campaigns were to her taste and incorporate her music.

“The last thing she wants is a cheesy ad with a naff catchphrase.

“They would have to be in keeping with her personality.

“It’s going to take a lot of persuasion to get her to agree but, right now, it looks as if she’s close to signing a deal.”

The last sentence there swings violently between suggesting that coming to a deal would take a lot of work, implying it's a distance off, and then saying it's nearly a done deal. Like it was being made up on the spot.

And, given that L'Oreal solely make cheesy ads with naff catchphrases, either the "source"'s claim of the sort of ad she might do is wrong, or Gordon's list of adverts being considered is wrong. Or both of them are wrong.

Gordon reminds readers that Adele has, in the past, been fairly firm about not wanting to do such a deal:

Adele has previously slated fellow stars for taking up similar beauty deals — and said she was concerned endorsements could “taint” her image.

He is generous, though, at this change of heart:

You can’t blame Adele for considering the big money offers. Despite banking £25million from the incredible successes of her albums 19 and 21, an extra £10million in the coffers would be hard to turn down.

So, a fairly typical Sun filler story - vague enough that if nothing happens people will forget it, but if Adele ever does turn up in an advert a 'you read it here first' piece can be built on the back of it - "a source said 'Adele had considered L'Oreal, but chose instead to get naked for PETA...'"

But nobody with half a mind would read this and come away thinking that Adele is already mouthing "get the London look" into a mirror, and planning where to put the money.

Luckily, Lucy Buckland suffers from no such restriction, copying the story across to the Daily Mail website.

Except by the time it arrives in the Mail - with a cheerful admission that the only source is what Lucy read in The Sun - the story has become more of an attack, shorn totally of Smart's 'good luck to her, who'd turn down that sort of offer':

Adele 'tempted to sign $10 million cosmetic sponsorship deal and move to LA' - despite slating stars who 'sell-out'

Oh, yes, there's an addition to the story, which is that Adele is moving to LA. Apparently this is somehow bad, too - though, to be fair, the Mail has always been consistent in its hatred of the idea of migration:

According to sources renting a house in LA was relaxing and after making friends with Robbie Williams' wife, Ayda Field she is becoming more attune to shipping out of Britain for good.

Word together threw, half-assed punctuation attempting not work.

'Adele and her man Simon are looking at a pad in one of the exclusive gated communities of Beverly Hills,' a source told The Daily Mirror, 'because Robbie and Ayda have told Adele that she would be able to have enough land not to feel too trapped, and she could have the privacy she so desperately needs to enjoy life.'

Oh, yes, that bit the Mail lifted from the Mirror, so at least it's a story with two sources.

Naturally, the Mail is unhappy at the idea of a British institution becoming so enamoured of American audiences that she might consider putting their needs first.

Although, let's just look at that headline again:

Adele 'tempted to sign $10 million cosmetic sponsorship deal and move to LA' - despite slating stars who 'sell-out'

Oddly, the Sun's ten million quid has turned into ten million greenbacks - and elsewhere her earnings are rendered in American money. Almost as if that British institution has become so enamoured of American audiences that it's putting their needs first.

Still, the Mail does at least try to add some journalism to the mix:

Adele's spokesman refused to comment after being contacted by MailOnline.

Being contacted about which story? Both? What did MailOnline actually ask? When did the Mail contact them - after these stories appeared late in the day on rival paper's websites, and was the refusal to comment a 'we have no comment', or 'I'm not in a position to comment on this'?

So, from a vague piece in The Sun, the Mail has decided that Adele is on the verge of selling out. I often wonder who believes what they read in Bizarre. I think we've now got our answer.

Gordon in the morning: Blue Peter bad

Two of Gordon's team, Rachel Dale and Laura Armstrong, rush to the defence of Yvette Fielding, accused by Woman magazine of calling Harry Styles a text pest:

But yesterday Yvette, whose son Will was childhood pals with the singer, issued a statement saying: “This story is a load of b******s, he never did it and I never said it.”

Robin Twist, partner of Harry’s mum Anne, said an “upset” Yvette had phoned to clear the air.

Speaking from their Cheshire pad, he added of the article in Woman magazine: “It is total rubbish. Yvette is very upset about it all — she called Anne this morning to explain what had happened.”

The irony of The Sun running a story about someone else's made-up bollocks I'm sure isn't lost on any of us.

The real problem for Yvette Fielding was not the story, but the fallout. You know what One Direction fans are like, and by the time the story had percolated down through to the lower school playground, it was out of control:

Ex-Blue Peter presenter Yvette spent yesterday in hiding, after furious 1D fans bombarded her with abuse on Twitter, blasting her as “bitter and vile”, a “psycho” and a “tramp”.

Because when your hero is accused of sending inappropriate texts to a person, the right thing to do would be to send inappropriate Tweets to that person. That can only make things better.

Riot Grrl, 1996

Enormous thanks to @coldbrain for alerting me to Dirty Girls, a film shot in 1996 at an LA High School, capturing the clash between Riot Grrls and the rest of the schoolyard. It's fairly safe to say there isn't much of a meeting of minds between the two groups, but despite the odd outbreak of unintentional self-awareness ("my housekeeper gave me this") it's impossible not to root for the Dirty Girls. And give quiet thanks you never had to go to an LA High School.

"I'm not a person to judge what's right and wrong in life, but this is, like, dark and nightmarey."

Gordon in the morning: Lana in L4

Popular fictional character Lana Del Ray has been to Anfield to watch Liverpool play (no word on if she popped in to the community bakery, but if she didn't, she missed her chance.)

This, though, has generated the worst headline The Sun has done in years:

Stevie G wants Lana-field Del Rap

What?

Dermot O'Leary: Battered, but still chipper

Dermot O'Leary isn't just a Radio 2 dj and ringleader at the declining X Factor circus. Oh, no. He's a fish magnate, too.

Slightly less of a fish magnate. He's had to close his fish restaurant in Poole, but he's stressing that a sister shop in Brighton is thriving:

He [said] “Sadly we decided that Fishy Fishy Poole should cease trading owing to the current financial climate.

“Fishy Fishy Brighton continues to trade as normal.”

I'm not a marketing expert, but I suspect part of your problem might have been in calling the places Fishy Fishy. It's the sort of twee name that would actual repel people as they walk down the street. It would make Captain Birdseye decide he'd rather have a kebab.

Gordon in the morning: The wedding planner

Oh no, Gordon has been up all night fretting over a potential clash of wedding dates:

Brad got a wedding licence at the end of last month — which stated they must marry in 90 days.

The deadline could see the big day for the pair clash with the nuptials of Brad’s ex JENNIFER ANISTON — which would spark a bitter bun-fight over celeb guests.

oh no that would be terrible i can barely stand it oh whatever shall we all do

Hang on a moment, though: Aniston hasn't announced a wedding date; not even a "source close to the couple" has leaked one. I don't think the National Enquirer has even bothered to make up a date yet. So, presumably, Aniston could just choose a date that doesn't clash.

The element of non-existent jeopardy gets even smaller the more you read the story:

A source said: “Brad and Angelina left themselves short of time to sort out their wedding because of the licence deadline. A few months is nothing when you’re planning a wedding — especially one as major as theirs."

This assumes that they didn't start doing any planning prior to applying for the licence. Most people would work out most of the detail before heading off for the vital piece of paper, because - I don't know if you spotted this, Gordon - they're only valid for ninety days. (That's a quarter of a year, by the way .)

And given that Brad and Angelina aren't exactly on their last few quid, I suspect if they don't get married in the window currently afforded them by the licence they won't consider it too onerous to, you know, pay for another one. It's not like if you don't use the licence that's it.

Azealia Banks believes the Stone Roses are out to get her

See, this is what happens when you give in to the temptation of cash and reunite: you go from being mystical and magical and wind up as a punchline in somebody else's comedy spat. The Stone Roses are being accused by Azealia Banks of sabotaging her set at some random music festival in Australia. Rolling Stone reports:

"Big apologies on behalf of the stone roses to my fans at the festival today," Banks tweeted in the opening shot of her rant. "My ex tour manager made a pact with the stone roses saying they'd sabotage my set because I fired him.. And they decided to check their equipment behind me during my set. Fuck those old saggy white n***as stone roses. I wish them nothing but excrement and death."

I'm not entirely clear what would have been in this deal for the Roses, to be honest. They've never noticaebly been fond of music industry managers, so it seems to be an extraordinary favour to do for somebody.

Aha! But Banks tries to frame the claims as being part of some sort of misogynistic-racist plot:

"Wow! I must really fucking be a superstar... You've got an established band trying to sabotage my lil rap bitch shine," she wrote. "Wow a bunch of old white men trying to bully a young black girl.... What the fuck else is new in this world ???"

So, she wishes "nothing but excrement and death" on the Roses. Which, funnily enough, is pretty much what the reviews for The Second Coming described it as.

Chris Brown: He's a catch

This has been pretty well reported elsewhere, but let's just read into the record Chris Brown's thoughts on how to talk to women:

“Every guy in this building has said one thing to their female … If you’re not an insecure nigga, and you let her have fun with her friends, I applaud you. But you gotta say that one thing to her, and I made this shitt up. [sings] Don’t make me have to tell you again, that that’s my pussy baby! It is mine, baby, babe, mine. So you better not give it away!”

”So every person in this motherfucking building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that to her. Cause she might fuck another nigga.”

I don't think this really needs any further comment, does it?

This week just gone

The most-read stories this week:

1. Pandora announces financials, dresses up losses all pretty
2. Video: Happy 30th Birthday, Blue Monday
3. Eurovision: Pinning hopes on Bonnie Tyler
4. Morrissey unimpressed by modern music
5. Men's rights people still struggling with Short Dick Man
6. Noel Gallagher on David Bowie
7. Eurovision: Tony Iommi for Armenia
8. Robbie Williams: shunned for not being Mod enough
9. How lovely are Bieber fans?
10. Ne-Yo: sex tips for asshats


These were the interesting releases this week:


Autchre - Exai

Download EPs 1991 - 2002



Emmylou Harris & Rodney Crowell - Old Yellow Moon

Download Old Yellow Moon



Kate Nash - Girl Talk

Download Girl Talk



Robyn Hitchcock - Love From London

Download Love From London



Roddy Woomble - Listen To Keep

Download Listen To Keep



Bastille - Bad Blood

Download Bad Blood

Le-on the sauce

Jared Followill has delayed work on the new Kings Of Leon album, through being too drunk to pluck:

"Wine isn't for everyone, but it is definitely for me," he tweeted. "Just tried for a sequence to the new album. Very exciting stuff. I can't quite nail it down due to the being too drunk. ?#Tomorrow"

This is exciting news. Who's for a kickstarter to keep Jared permanently up to his knees in wine and permanently delay the record?

GWAR manage to turn condiment range into violence against women

There's two things here. First, GWAR, even if you're launching a chilli sauce - even a hot chilli sauce - you're still just getting into selling condiments.

That puts them in the same space as, well, this guy:

However, if you must try and stretch your brand into sauces, condiments, pickles and chutneys, try not to do it like this:

The band's guitar player Balsac, has said that Gwar-B-Q sauce "is mostly made out of the blood of really hot chicks." He adds that such a use is "a terrible waste of fine ass, but ultimately worth it because this sauce is absolutely delicious."

Ha ha ha, murdering women and making food out of them. Hilarious. I can't imagine why HP haven't brought out an Ed Gein Limited Edition flavour.

Gordon in the morning: [Insert chat here]

It's one of those mornings where Gordon Smart has a straight-up great story that almost justifies the existence of the column. Tulisa has to be prompted when to be warm to her audience:

The former X Factor judge has to be prompted when to talk to punters at her gigs.

A copy of her set list orders her to “chat over music” before delivering an N-DUBZ medley.

And after a few more tracks the document tells her to “chat” – and plug her single during the natter.

Let's hope they've written "wave and leave stage" at the end, otherwise everyone's just going to be hanging around awkwardly wondering what to do next.

Pandora: all that's left is hope, but a lot of it

Pandora have just released their financial perfomance figures for 2013. Here's what they choose as the headlines:

- Fiscal 2013 revenue of $427.1 million grew 56% year-over-year; 4Q13 total revenue of $125.1 million grew 54% year-over-year
- 4Q13 total mobile revenue of $80.3 million grew 111% year-over-year, outpacing mobile listener hour growth, which grew 70% year-over year
- Fiscal 2013 total mobile revenue of $255.9 million more than doubled and grew 105%, outpacing mobile listener hour growth, which grew 89% year-over year

All that shouting about revenue can only mean one thing: they're not making profits.

Indeed, the losses are so grim, Pandora can only bring themselves to express them as losses-per-share:

For the fiscal year 2013, GAAP basic and diluted net loss per share were ($0.23). Non-GAAP basic and diluted net loss per share were ($0.08), excluding approximately $25.5 million in stock-based compensation. Basic and diluted earnings per share were based on 168.3 million weighted average shares outstanding.

You have to spend a couple of minutes carrying figures before you realise they're talking a great big hole. Even if you do exclude "stock based compensation".

For the next year, though, they're predicting a profit per share of something between 5cents and minus five cents, which is either going to be good news or terribly miserable.

The company is upbeat about things, though, pointing to buoyant listener hours and rising advertising take:

"For the past two quarters, growth in mobile advertising revenue exceeded growth in mobile listening hours,” as CFO Michael Herring put it.

That's one of those impressive sounding claims that suddenly falls apart when you think about it - there's no promise that the advertising revenue is growing at a rate large enough to cover the costs of delivering the growth in mobile listening hours; just that one percentage number is bigger than the other.

At the same time, Pandora's CEO Joeseph Kennedy is getting the hell out of Dodge.

The end result of all this was the share price of Pandora rose. How much that is down the general giddiness of the markets off the back of a Dow Jones record this week isn't clear.

Guitarobit: Alvin Lee

Alvin Lee, guitarist with perennially bigger-in-the-States Ten Years After has died.

Lee was with the band when they started as The Jaybirds - part of the 1960s 'British bands playing Germany often' scene - and wrote the group's biggest hit I'd Love To Change The World. He came to hate the track, because it was a hit. Most bands have their original fans do that for them, rather than do it themselves.

Ten Years After split early in the 1970s; Ten years after, they reunited, but earlier Lee had been touring a band called Ten Years Later. Ten Years After were still touring twenty years after they reunited.

Lee's 2007 album Saguitar saw a man still keen to experiment, even featuring him having a go at rap; his last record, Still On the Road to Freedom, stuck more closely to the model which made his name.

If you're looking for a testament from a fan, you could do worse than read Bob Lefsetz's appreciation of Alvin Lee.

Alvin Lee was 68; he died following post-operative complications on March 6th.

Justin Bieber invokes God as protection

The two-hour-late Bieber gig continues to bubble through the public prints, with poor Justin Bieber crying how he's been victimised:

Writing 12 messages on the subject on his Twitter feed, he put: "Rumors rumors and more rumors. Nothing more nothing less. Might talk about them one day. Right now I'm just gonna be positive. Can't bring me down." The messages continued, with Bieber claiming people wrote "fake stories" on him in order to sell papers.

Ooh, he "might talk about them one day". Goodness, let's hope he does. Presumably the detail is being kept secret under the Thirty Year Rule.

For someone who isn't talking about it, he does bang on a lot, though:

Bieber continued his defence on Twitter. "We are all equal in God's eyes & we have a responsibility to each other. So make up stories about fake fines and make no mention of the positive. Or say when I came out of my show with my shirt off because after performing for 2 hours I might be sweaty, I was going into a club (really?) or any girl I stand next to is my girl or that I don't care, or that I don't feel, or that a 19 year old going to a club in Europe is wild."

Not entirely clear what the "equal in Gods' eyes" gibberish is about, especially since some of us are paid squillions to prance about singing pissweak songs, and others dig deep into their pockets to give him money so to do and just ask not to miss the last train home in return.

Still, he does have a point about the fine stories.

Here's the NME on the fine:

Meanwhile, Digital Spy reported that Bieber was fined £300,000 for causing the gig to overrun. It was claimed that Greenwich Council fined the singer £10,000 per minute for exceeding a live music curfew. Due to the late start, Bieber's set didn't finish until 11.30pm, meaning it ran 30 minutes later than the venue's noise ban, which is said to be enforced at 11pm.

Well, yes, Digital Spy did report that. They also later reported that there was no fine.

But was it just Digital Spy which reported the erroneous story?

The difference? While Digital Spy have run a second story correcting the first, the NME, erm, hasn't.

Eurovision 2013: Bonnie Tyler can't fail, right?

So after Humph crashed and burned last year, this year the UK is going with Bonnie Tyler as Eurovision artist.

We've been holding out for a hero. But maybe this, it's a heartache. [Ctd p 94]

This song is thirty years old today

[Buy Blue Monday]

Gordon in the morning: Watching David Bowie with Noel Gallagher

Gordon has been reading the NME, and in particular Noel Gallagher talking about the David Bowie comeback:

[T]he HIGH FLYING BIRDS frontman is confused by the video to the legend’s track Where Are We Now?

Confused, you say?

“We’re still talking about that song. The video’s mad – like his f***ing cat directed it.”

That's not actually "confused", is it? It's just Noel saying that it's a bit out there, surely?

However, you can forgive Gordon struggling to make sense of anything Noel says. let's look at that lifted quote in full:

He told NME mag: “It’s great to hear his voice singing something new. The more you hear Where Are We Now? the better it gets.

“We’re still talking about that song. The video’s mad – like his f***ing cat directed it.”

But Noel added: “What it proved to me is that reunions are f***ing s****."

So, it's great to hear Bowie doing new stuff; and the new stuff gets better the more you play t; and it's an exciting talking point. So, er, that proves that reunions are shitty.

Sorry, what?

(Also: can you have a reunion if it's just you?)

Do children listen to less music? Netmums say yes.

There's a survey been gathered by Netmums, which is a bit like Mumsnet but with its name the other way round; they're attempting to work out when childhood ends by asking parents what they think.

The results don't actually appear to have been published, but the summary has news that might make music industry executives a little queasy:

Only 23% spend time reading compared to 41% of their parents at the same age, while half the number of modern tweens listen to music (17%) compared to their parents (39%).

The musical sky is falling in! The musical sky is falling in!

But hang on a moment. The summary of the findings isn't exactly scientifically worded. Take this bit:

Parents also slammed retailers provision for tween fashion, especially for girls, with over half (54%) angry that stores only provide 'clothes that can be too sexual, such as overtly short skirts or crop tops'.

It's a valid concern, certainly. But did the research actually ask parents if they were "angry"? Or just if they agreed it was happening? And the word "only" in there is suspising. Stores only sell clothes that can be too sexual? The "only" seems quite definitive, but the "can be" seems more vague.

And what does this mean about the other 46%? Are they okay with the idea? Do they not believe the proposition?

Perhaps in the original research this question is a bit clearer, but without access to that data, all we've got is a presentation that has been designed to generate headlines.

So, we should approach this finding with caution. But even if you take it at face value, are less than one-in-five tweens listening to music?

Almost certainly not. It's probably more a generational difference in what constitutes "listening to music". Across the last generation, music has crept more and more inside personal devices, listened to through earbuds, with silent, gestural interfaces; music is purchased remotely and doesn't enter the house in plastic bags, making its arrival harder to spot.

And while a parent can think back and recall that at a social gathering, they listened to music, they're less able to judge if "listening to music" is part of an event that is pitched to them as "having mates over".

And there's probably a smidge of generational snobbery in there too - when I had a young, fresh face, i can recall scraggier, more wrinkly people telling me that my generation didn't really listen to music.

For their cohort, it was communal experience, rolling ciggies on the album sleeve and communing with the music, whereas us lot? We just had it on in the background and stuck photos of popstars in scrapbooks.

Are the current generation of parents any different? Kids today don't listen to music like Justin Jespen. It's not like them and The Spice Girls, where you had to really pay attention to understand the message.

So, less than one-in-five tweens listening to music? We could try asking them directly. But we'll have to wait until they've finished making their Harlem Shake video.

Gordon in the morning: Topical Olympic observation

To be fair to Tom Meighan, the Spice Girls part of the Olympics closing ceremony was pretty grim, but that was a while ago now:

“We were on tour during the Olympics but I saw some bits on telly. There were some horrifying bits, like The Spice Girls. That really didn’t do the place justice.

“That was the most horrifying bit. It was just horrible.

I think this makes Tom the first person to suggest that the Opening and Closing Ceremonies were somehow one horror after another.

But why is he talking about last summer right now? Oh, Kasabian have a booking:

“We’ll be the first band to play the park, so it’s great.”

There's your Olympic legacy for you. Right there.

Bieber: How will that help?

Having kept kids up late last night, E! reports on how Justin Bieber will say sorry:

Justin Bieber Will Perform 30 Minutes Early at Next Show to Make Up for Lateness, Concert Venue Rep Says

How does that help, exactly? If you missed your last train, or had to leave before the concert finished, last night, in what way does knowing that if you'd gone the next night he'd have had a more reasonable schedule make it up to you?

It's like not kicking your new dog, in the hope that somehow will make your old dog feel better.

Coming tomorrow: 'Early Bieber gig meant young fans distraught at missing first half hour'.

Does YouTube add up?

Interesting piece over at All Things D on the economics of YouTube - which we could summarise as 'once again, the music industry is surprised to discover that playing songs to people one-at-a-time isn't going to make anyone rich':

The dollars programmers earn from YouTube’s ad-selling efforts range widely. But many big publishers say that after YouTube takes its 45 percent cut of the ads it sells, they frequently end up keeping about $2.50 for every 1,000 views their clips generate — that is, if their video generates a million views, they get $2,500. Other publishers say their split can be as high as $10 per 1,000.

Vice Media's Shane Smith reveals - hold the pre-roll - that the adverts on the dozen channels he operates on YouTube “not going to be our monetization strategy.”

There's suggestions that things might get a little better - Google pointing to how it's starting to make money on mobile views, for example. Although it's hard to imagine that advertisers are going to want to pay very much more a pair of eyeballs squinting at a handheld screen than they would for a pair blinking at a desktop.

B*Witched, unblushered and bewildering

God love B*Witched, but I'm not sure they're the best band to go to for a famous faces without make-up article.

Don't you need people to remember what they look like with make-up for it to work?

The Daily Mail sets the scene:

While some popstars have felt the need to go under the knife to keep their young appearances, one girl group never felt the need to.

While welcoming the positive message of the piece, presumably part of the reason why B*Witched haven't popped down the cosmetic surgeon is not unrelated to the same reason that people haven't been popping down HMV to buy B*Witched records, surely?

The whole thing collapses in a self-defeating sinkhole:

'There’s a lot of pressure, especially on young girls, to look like the really polished version of celebs you see in magazines,' she told Heat magazine.

'It’s nice for them to see pictures like this.'

Yes. The best place to go to send out positive messages about body image to young women is Heat magazine, where they will sit unread amongst a bunch of articles about how fat, thin, wrinkly, sweaty and disgusting everyone else is. It's like doing a bit about peaceful dispute resolution in Guns And Ammo.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Gordon in the morning: Slim majority

Tomorrow, Fatboy Slim is, for the Last Night A DJ Saved My Life charity, playing a DJ set in the Houses Of Parliament. Gordon has scratched his head to think of something to say about this:

It’s just as well Fatboy – real name NORMAN COOK – is off the sauce these days. He’d have do ne some serious damage to the Government’s booze supplies back in the day.

What? "Yeah, if it had been a few years back he'd have drunk some of the alcohol". Righto.

"It's fortunate he doesn't have an insatiable desire to consume potato products, which would mean he'd have depleted the government supply of crisps."

"It's lucky he's not made entirely out of blood plasma, as he'd have made a terrible stain on the government carpet if he'd leaked."

The really frustrating thing is that Parliament isn't the government, and Cook is playing at the former, not the latter. So even if he had been unable to control a desire to smash plates, it would be Parliament's crockery that took a hit. Not the government's.

Justin Bieber runs late

Justin Bieber needs to take a good hard look at how Peppa Pig does it: because when you're doing shows for children, you have to keep on time.

His UK dates have been running late - by as much as an hour at the Millennium Dome in Greenwich - with the result that mummies and daddies have turned up to pick up their kids, only to discover that the show hasn't yet finished:

"A few of the parents went up to the information desk to complain and they were saying there's nothing they could do and that 'It's just Justin Bieber's production team'.

"We said that was all well and good, but most of us have to get trains... it was just a shambles. I said we've really got to leave at ten to eleven to get the last train."

She added that people in the crowd began booing at about 21:30, almost an hour before Bieber's act eventually started.

The blame is being put on the support acts over-running, although if people were able to boo for a solid hour before Bieber eventually came on, that seems a bit of a stretch.

Gucci Mane changes name, changes back

Gucci Mane is changing his name:

"I'm officially changing my rap name to Guwop and retiring the great Gucci Mane," he wrote according to Buzzfeed. "Thanks fans, for eight years as Gucci now it's Wop turn."

Guwop. Really?

Luckily, his fans were able to laugh in his stupid face:

"Im not gonna call you Guwop dumbass, just so you know," wrote @iStoleFreeHugs, while @fivefifths simply responded: "Shut the fuck up son"

It's hard to believe that people who are happy to call someone Gucci Mane might think that any other name could be considered risible, but there are.

After thirty minutes of being treated to an indication of just how risible the ill-chosen name of Guwop is, Mr Mane reverted to his original stupid assumed name.

If I was him, I'd have gone with Radric Davis, his actual name.

Gordon in the morning: Kelly Jones dreams of a fold-up chair with Jones written on it

Excitement this morning, as the Bizarre homepage teases us with news:

'PHONICS star wants to direct films after success writing movie script

I hadn't heard about a Kelly Jones script being made into a successful movie. That really is big news.

Lets see what's happened:

First up on the movie front is a screenplay he’s written in conjunction with Stereophonics’ new album Graffiti On The Train.

Aside from plugging the band’s latest effort, Kelly is busy attending meetings with the likes of BAFTA and Film Agency Wales to get his script off the ground.

He’s hoping the film will go into production within the next year.

Ah. So when Gordon is lauding "success writing music script", the success has come in the form of successfully typing one out.

(I suspect it should be the BFI rather than BAFTA, too; although why public money should support a film that sounds like a promo for a Stereophonics album is something of a mystery.)