HOMME FESSES

Although at first Josh Homme and his people had denied it was his fault, Homme has pleaded no contest to charges relating to his smashing a bottle over the head of the Dwarves' Blag Dahlia. Apparently it was because of a long feud that kicked off when Nick Oliveri started to drum for the Dwarves after Homme had canned him from Queens of the Stone Age. Then...

Dahlia slams Queens in the track "Massacre" off the band's latest disc, The Dwarves Must Die. "This one goes out to Queens of the Trust Fund/You slept on my floor/And now I'm sleeping through your motherfucking records," Dahlia warbles.

According to eyewitness accounts, Homme allegedly turned up backstage at the Dragonfly to taunt Dahlia. But the heckling apparently got out of control.

Anyway, the upshot is that Homme is going to do rehab and anger management. It's not known if the dove woman will be on hand to release doves when he returns to court July 27th to show he's been good. If she is, this is what the scene will look like:

music josh homme nick oliveri blag dahlia

POVERTY BEGINS AT HOME; AS STEEL CUTS INTO BOB

You'd have to raise a crooked eyebrow at the timing of the Boomtown Rats' decision to sue Bob Geldof - sure, they may have a valid claim that they never got a fair cut of the cake for their work during the 70s and 80s, but why choose a couple of weeks before Live 8 to announce their intention to take leagal action to get what they feel is theirs? Could it have been Johnnie Fingers was sat watching the news, Geldof came on insisting we all take to boats in order to protest against Ebay or something, and Fingers suddenly goes "hey... that's the bloke we did all the music for, isn't it?", frantically scribbling his name down on the telephone pad before calling Gerry Cott, Simon Crowe and Garrick Roberts to announce "I've found him... and he seems to be doing some sort of charity work..."?

There's an official statement, released by Gerry Cott:

"We jointly confirm that with the utmost regret we are pressing ahead with our claims against Bob Geldof and others for our rightful entitlement to a proper share of recording, publishing and merchandising income.

''We have retained the London solicitor Angel and Co to act on our behalf and anticipate that proceedings will have to be issued shortly. We have no further comment at this stage."

Honestly, if this is true, it's shocking - Geldof selling short jobbing musicians while swanning about as a media millionaire - why, that would make his earnings from the Rats back catalogue something like filthy money made on the back of the poorest people in music, or something.

Still, good to hear that Angel is still in the legal business after quitting Wolfram and Hart last year.

Meanwhile, adding to a long, long, long list of people far from convinced about Live 8 is David Steel, one of the most popular of the Spitting Image squeaky dog toys and former leader of the Liberals.

Lord Steel said some of Geldof's "populist antics" risked destroying his well-deserved reputation for raising awareness of Africa's plight. And inviting the Pope, Dalai Lama and Nelson Mandela to be involved had "slight touches of megalomania".

Not only that, but he invited Bono to take part as well. Good god, he really has gone stark raving bonkers, hasn't he?

But really, what bothers David isn't so much the potty flotillas and marching on Edinburgh, but the swearing and, lets face it, the lack of a decent haircut:

Lord Steel also suggested Geldof was an icon to the younger generation who should take greater care over his public appearances.

In an letter to the Times newspaper, he said: "Deliberately peppering his utterances with swear words and appearing in public carefully dishevelled is not setting a good example of behaviour."

There's a note for all future revolutionaries - buy yourself a bloody comb.

music live 8 live8 bob geldof boomtown rats david steel

EBAY TO BOB: OKAY, JUST SHUT UP

Probably less because they thought he was right, more because they wanted him to stop honking on about how right-thinking people should bring Ebay down, Ebay have banned the sale of Live 8 tickets. Geldof attacked the concept of "filthy money made on the back of the poorest people on the planet."

In other news, that was some sort of record with over two million texts being sent in the lottery, isn't it? The phone operator's charges on each one of those texts... would that also be filthy, Bob, or is live 8 partner O2 somehow different?

music ebay live8 live 8

CHRISTINA? NOT EVEN TOP TEN

Her career-strategy might be looking a bit dodgy with the backfiring 'reality' show and choosing to piss about with the sperm-making function on Kevin Federline, but there's still a top ten in which she trumps all-comers:

1. Britney Spears
2. Bill Gates
3. Jennifer Lopez
4. Shakira
5. Osama Bin Laden
6. Michael Jackson
7. Bill Clinton
8. Anna Kournikova
9. Paris Hilton
10. Pamela Anderson

Yes, Britney's still the number one celebrity for viral emails. Having said which, the Jackson suicide virus might make it hard for her to keep her position at the top of the tree.

music britney spears computer security

DON'T COME BACK WITH ANGER

When it comes to sticking to a simple formula, the Gallagher Brothers could give the Chuckle Brothers lessons. We've had the ticksheet work-through, complete with claims this album is the best ever; fans swearing it so to the pop-press; even a skirmish with Damon Albarn. Now, we're up to the bit where Liam walks off stage and Noel finishes the set solo. This was at the Jammin' Festival in Imola, says nme.com:

A fan explained: “I’m an English student studying over here and so decided to go see them only for Liam to walk off stage halfway through the gig. Which meant Noel explaining to the crowd how 'we are gonna have to play you a few songs that weren't planned'!”

Some things never change, do they?

music oasis liam gallagher noel gallagher

TROPHY GIRLFRIEND

In something of a bitter little strop, Cheryl Tweedy out of Girls Aloud has fumed at suggestions she's like one of those footballer's wives off that programme Footballers' Wives simply because she's dating Ashley Cole.

And she's right - she was getting into fights and punching the shit out of toilet attendants long before she first went out with Cole, so it's not like she needed to wait until she was having a relationship with a footballer to go all Chardonay, is it?

"It really annoys me when people try to call me a footballer's wife. Footballer's wives have no career and live off their husband's money.

"I was in Girls Aloud before I met Ashley and have my own successful career. I'm not going to quit the band and sit around in the sun all day or go shopping with Ashley's plastic.

"If I'm going shopping I'll pay with the money I have worked hard for."

Also, of course, you're not married to him, are you?

music cheryl tweedy girls aloud

EBAY: WE DON'T WANT NO LIVE 8 DIRTY MONEY

Horrified by the news that their auction services were being used to turn a profit on Live 8 tickets - and let's be clear, they were truly horrified at the potential PR disaster it could be - Ebay have promised to give as much money as they make from fencing the tickets to the notverywelldefinedplace the money is going to.

It looks as if most of the tickets have been hoovered off the site now, but there is another little scam: the people flogging oh-so-fashionable charity wristbands on the site have started adding "Live 8" to "Make Poverty History" in the adverts, kind-of-leading-to-the-conclusion that maybe they're in some way official. Or at least collectable.

Next week, No Rock will be launching its own awareness-raising wristband: made from purple material (depending on what's hanging around in the exciting partner sweatshop we're working with), this band can be yours for only fifteen quid; it gives you the chance to show your solidarity with everyone being ripped off in the great wristband racket of 2005. All proceeds will go to Prince Charles, directly, if there's any left over after we've bought some cool shoes.


Popstar Morten Harket wears a wristband on his wrist in a fairly similar position to where you might wear an Official No Rock Make Wristbands History wristband

music ebay live+8 live8 charity wristbands

JURY'S PRUDENCE

Touchingly, the jurors in the Jackson trial aren't allowed to reveal their names, although they can appear full-faced in a press conference - it's like those TV programmes where families are shown cavorting around outside their house, their town in named, but any number plates are carefully blanked out ("Hang about - KM 52 BCD - is that Joyce who's having trouble keeping her kids in line, then?"). We're not sure that it's a good idea allowing the juries to explain their decisions in public - although it might well make them think twice before relying on scissor, paper, stone if they are called to give an account of their process, and so it's at least instructive to read what the Michael Jackson jury actually thought they were doing.

The first thing that's clear is that the defense team never actually convinced the jury of their client's innocence, but did manage to raise enough reasonable doubts to get him off. In a case with a ham-fisted prosecution and a half-assed defense strategy, good justice does suggest that the defense should take the benefit of the doubt.

A couple of weeks back there was some coverage online of the CSI effect, where juries used to seeing TV crimes convincingly solved through the use of two fibres and a microscope find it hard to believe anyone's guilty unless there's a whole bunch of forensics to prove that they did it. You could probably quite easily get away with murder right now providing you don't spit on the corpse. When you hear the Jackson jurors lamenting the lack of a smoking gun, you have to wonder if Jacko has become the first celeb to be cleared by the CSI Effect:

"In a case like this you are waiting for a smoking gun, something you can grab onto," said a male juror. "In this case we had trouble finding that."

A female juror added: "We expected better evidence, it just wasn't there."

"We had a closet full of evidence that always came back to the same thing - it was not enough," one female juror said.

But surely the point of a trial is not merely to look at stained knickers and photos of bruises; aren't you meant to be weighing if you can believe what you're hearing?

Not that the jurors didn't do that; either - they weighed the characters of those giving evidence, and seem to be a little disappointed they couldn't find Janet Arvizo guilty of something. It looks clear that although Jackson may have been painted as a kid-shagger who got kids drunk and played with their cocks, Arvizo was much worse: she was a bad mother:

A female jury member who had children said she was disturbed by Janet Arvizo's testimony that she allowed her teenage son to share a bed with Jackson.

"Every moment of your day, you're protective over what happens to your children," the juror said.

"What mother in her right mind would allow that to happen? Or just freely volunteer your child, you know, to sleep with someone. And not just so much Michael Jackson, but any person, for that matter."

When asked whether they considered the Arvizo family to be "scam artists who were trying to frame Michael Jackson", one female juror replied: "That thought was there several times."

And what might have swung the entire trial Jackson's way was one small gesture by the mother:

Another female juror "disliked it intensely" when Mrs Arvizo addressed the jury while giving evidence.

"I thought 'don't snap your fingers at me, lady!'" she said.

Thank god someone's finally got to the question at the heart of this story - that Janet Arvizo is just plain rude. Sure, Jackson may have had his cans of Jesus Juice and books about chess with no clothes on, but can you seriously weigh that against a witness who behaves like one of the early-cut wannabes from America's Next Top Model? If you click your fingers at a jury, you bloody well deserve to have your child interfered with.

Some of the jurors had been on this case for nealy half a year, and are probably glad that the celebpaedo waggon is now packing up and trying to find out George Best's address.

There's some suggestion - although nothing in the initial jury press conference to confirm it - that the suggestions that Jackson was on the point of physical or mental collapse may have helped swing the jury round to acquitting him. The defence had been bristling at the TV crews being shown round the cell that Jacko would have been having to call home while Big Ron from Block B was calling him Janet; they said it was intimidating. Actually, it might have helped them - in a case where neither side was convincing, would you want to send a man visibly crumbling to a place that would clearly kill him unless you were absolutely certain?

Perhaps the saddest little facet of their work is, in all that time spent listening to testimony:

When asked who they regarded as "credible" witnesses, jurors only named ex-Neverland housekeeper Kiki Fournier.

Six months, and they could only believe one of the witnesses.

All our Jackson trial coverage
music music

COHEN: THEY PINCHED MY PENSION

I think this is worth lifting up from the comment box: Leonard Cohen has hit back against the extortion claims:

"The suit filed by the Agile Group Monday, June 6, 2005 is completely consistent with Agile's reckless disregard for its client and his investments.

We had hoped to reach an out-of-court settlement with Agile that
returned to Mr. Cohen some portion of the retirement money the firm was authorized to administer on his behalf. Instead, in the middle of negotiations to determine Agile's responsibilities to Mr. Cohen to compensate him for money lost under their management, Agile launched a surprise attack in an effort to besmirch the reputation of one of its notable clients.

Agile repeatedly failed to alert Mr. Cohen to true account balances
while allowing improper and unauthorized withdrawals by Cohen's former business manager. In doing so Agile failed to protect Mr. Cohen's interests and retirement savings and knowingly misled him by providing inaccurate financial reports.

We will of course file a counter suit that lays out in detail how Agile
acted in a reckless way that violated the firm's fiduciary responsibilities towards Cohen and consequently resulted in the loss of Mr. Cohen's retirement savings."

Blimey. You're better off shoving it under the mattress at Cohen's age, aren't you?

music leonard cohen

MINI-BOBS

Amongst the people trying to claw back the costs of all those texts for Live8 tix is a chap on Ebay auctioning off entries into a draw for the tickets he won in a draw in the first place. Introducing: Entertaino-touting!

We're holding out for the 'online poker for Glastonbury passes' that will doubtless be with us before the end of the week.

music live 8 live8

FURTHER REACTIONS

It seems the main work the Jackson camp is now starting on is to try and change the public perception of the Martin Bashir Living With Michael Jackson documentary - we've heard a couple of Jacko friends suggesting that the whole trial was Bashir's fault, and that somehow Bashir had managed to edit suspiscion out of nowhere. They're presumably hoping that if they say it often enough, people will forget there was nothing in the edit which forced Jackson to happily trill about having other people's kids sleep in his bed.

Talking on Today, Uri Geller told John Humphrys (sorry, could someone go and stop Brian Redhead from spinning in his grave?) that he was sorry he ever introduced Bashir to Jacko - Gellar suggested he'd been more-or-less tricked into it because Bashir had shown him a letter from Princess Diana. (Isn't Geller meant to be the one who does the spooky mind-control stuff?) At the same time, Uri also claimed he was always warning Jackson that the public wouldn't look kindly on him talking about having kids for sleepovers. It makes you wonder why Uri thought that his friend would benefit from having a camera crew follow him around while simultaneously worrying that Jackson was too quick to talk openly about his habits.

According to Five Live, the official Jackson website is currently comparing him to Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela; the page won't load for us, which might prove that web servers can fall over through shame.

music michael jackson verdict

A QUICK LOOK AT THIS MORNING'S FRONT PAGES

The Jackson jury, having made the world wait, then chose a really bad time for the British press to send Jackson back out into the world. The Express was able to pick it up for their early editions, though - probably because even they're bored of the constant attempts to prove Diana was murdered:



The Sun's cover looks a little rushed, too (almost as if they'd not expected to be running this sort of story:



The American papers, who had slightly longer to come to terms with the news, don't quite seem to be approaching Jackson as man wrongly accused of a terrible crime, more as a bloke who should be settling down for a twilight years stretch as a figure of fun. The New York Post runs a picture of Macauly Culkin (child version) with the phrase "He beat it" underneath - which is both grammatically wrong and, surely, not what Mac said:



The Daily News, also, can barely conceal its snicker:



American-based Jacko fans might be better off sticking to the Spanish-language El Nuevo Herald for their scrapbooks:



As Jackson arrived at court yesterday, a BBC reporter pointed out that "this is Jackson at his most sober" - which, as the Austrian Kleine Zeitung shows, meant just a three-tone armband and a massive Alan Partridge style blazer badge:



At least the Jerusalem Post gives him some dignity:



Back in Britain, and away from the circus, the Independent is getting excited by the Pink Floyd near-reunion:



And, more seriously, the Star claims to have found evidence of Live 8 ticket toutery:

music michael jackson newspapers verdict live 8 live8

'NOT GUILTY OF ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING'

So, the jury has spoken, then - Michael Jackson is not guilty on all charges; and his supporters outside court have been releasing doves. Wonder if his back will clear up now?

("Not guilty of absolutely everything" was the slightly surprised phrase of the News 24 reporter.)

It's a victory for the shreds of reasonable doubt, then.

Of course, had the verdicts been guilty, things would at least have been easier for Jackson - now he's faced with trying to build some sort of future with a lot more of detail in the public domain about how he chooses to relax, and with a freedom that's the best his money apparently didn't quite run to buying. Let's hope the inevitable Fox News exclusive interview pays well.

music michael jackson verdict

WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: Kelly Jones saves Africa; someone saves Pete Doherty for another few days

It's not so many years ago if you mentioned to someone that a local newsagent was selling pictures of Alex James in skintight rubber, you'd have had a stampede of androgynes heading off down to the counter. Now, though, the Indpendent Saturday magazine can run a full-colour picture of him on the cover of their travel magazine, hugged every inch in a wetsuit, and there's barely a murmur. Some things really kill the ardour, and working with Keith Allen is one of them. The Indie's relationship with James is curious - he writes travel pieces for them on a regular enough basis for them to have dispensed with the "from Blur" bit of his byline; but he's still considered glitzy enough to be called "Alex James" in every reference and picture caption - there's a silent "you know, from Blur" following every one.

Radio Times' stunt issue - and hardly a week goes by when there isn't one these days - attempted to quantify the "most powerful people on radio"; as we've discussed elsewhere, it decided that Jonathan Ross is top of the pile, followed by Terry "shut the fuck up" Wogan, John Humphrys... Chris Moyles comes in at seven, a man so powerful they had to get Mark Goodier from the olden days to offer some lukewarm praise ("when he's on form, he's one of the best in the business"); Danny Baker down at 24 - two places behind Ian McMillan; and, most bemusingly, Colin Murray at 35. There are only thirty-four more powerful people that Murray in British radio?

Last week, we discovered that Conor McNicholas cheerfully admits nothing flogs NMEs like a picture of Pete Doherty, and in today's Media Guardian, GQ editor Dylan Jones suggested that while Tesco might be forcing Nuts and Zoo to hide their covers, the supermarket chain is unlikely to throw a hissy and use its power to force IPC to stop its run of junkie front pages. Good news, as there's an elegantly wasted (alright, just wasted) Doherty on the cover of the current issue.

More scary than Doherty's eyes, though, are the cartoon stills versions of Bloc Party inside - they haven't transferred to being cartoons well; they look like the people Snap, Crackle and Pop would have been if they hadn't been getting decent breakfasts. Or any food, actually. And been sleeping in a skip.

Shirley Manson's psyche is picked at by Peter Robinson, like a starling at a suetblock. "Jesus Christ" says Shirley, "don't tell me the NME's going all soft and starting to think of people's feelings. Bloody hell."

Kelly Jones is given a page to explain why the Stereophonics are playing Live 8. It might have made sense if he'd come up with a reason to convince himself before trying to explain it to us: "All these situations are more about awareness than what public people can do. People might not have a lot of power individually to change a great deal, but as long as people are in the know, I think that is the most powerful thing, because otherwise people are just going to live in the dark..." On behalf of the "public people" can we get an "eh?"

In the course of the 24 hours spent with the NME, Pete Dohertyhas a massive row about pipes and tries to clamber out a car on the way on an airport. At 75 miles an hour. On the motorway. Just imagine the sales for the cover story if they'd not stopped him from opening the door...

There's a big pull out on the new Coldplay album, which tells you everything you need to know about X&Y, and then some more things besides.

This, then, is everything you need to know about the new Coldplay album:

It's by Coldplay.

"Kelly Osbourne's new single is so influenced by us that it's a real vindication" says Danny Hunt from Ladytron - which we're guessing is a cover version of something Steve Strange said. For some reason, Danny - one of electropop's prettiest of boys - has appeared to have taken temporary custody of Dave Grohl's facial hair. We hope he sends it home soon.

reviews
live
arctic monkeys - sheffield boardwalk - "sharp-eyed observation of small town life"
hard-fi - preston 53 degrees - "the hysteria isn't unfounded"

albums
nine black alps - everything is - "of course, it's not as though all the Nirvana-isms have disappeared", 8
the depature - dirty words - "aren't going to be leaving any time soon", 7
the dead 60s - the dead 60s - "cuddling up to an age gone past", 6

tracks
totw - the longcut - a quiet life - "properly marvellous, this"
kano - remember me - "most fun funfest"

and that's it for this week...

music music nme pete doherty ladytron kelly jones

BANG ZOOMA, NO GO-GO

Attempts to spin a touring event off the back of the US Bonnaroo festivals have come to nothing, with a bill of Phish frontman Trey Anastasio and Ben Harper failing to tempt people across the states of buy tickets. The Zooma tour had the plug pulled. Producer Jonathan Mayers has been pondering why it didn't fly:

"We went into this hoping to do a whole concourse activity and really present a full entertainment experience, and because of where we are with sales we aren't able to deliver that. So we all mutually agreed to pull the plug."

Asked why the concept didn't take off, Mayers said, "It's really hard to say. I just think at the end of the day the synergy just didn't work like we thought it would -- it just didn't resonate with the audience."

We don't have an MBA, but we do suspect we can see a problem with a rock event whose organisers talk about it in terms of "a whole concourse activity" and having "synergy", like it was Pepsi Pissing Max or something.

Meanwhile, it appears that the man who died at last week's Bonnaroo had sleep apnoea problems; in effect, it looks like he snored himself to death, although no formal cause has yet been announced.

music zooma bonnaroo

UNUSUAL; CERTAINLY CRUEL

We can only ponder what it is that made the Geneva-convention skirting guards down at Guantanamo choose to try and keep Mohammed al Qahtani awake by playing him Christina Aguilera. Did they have reason to suspect he was a music lover? Or just really, really into Britney instead.

Come to that, though, isn't Christina's music meant to be empowering for the downtrodden? It seems a little odd to try and break someone before questioning by playing them Stronger and Beautiful - he's not going to be more pliable in the morning, is he?

- Come on, scumbag; you were trying to destroy the American way of life with your strange ways, weren't you?
- No, no, no. Whatever you say to me, I am beautiful, and your words cannot bring me down

Mind you, the report into his al Qahtani's interrogation also suggests that he was forced to watch a "satirical puppet show" about his behaviour - so the CIA is basically funding personal episodes of Spitting Image. Again, experience suggests that this isn't going to work - he'll be like the Thatcher cabinet or Michael Winner, bidding in auction to buy his own puppet and telling the Telegraph diary "well, they were a bit cheeky and quite near the knuckle, but it's all in good fun, and an extraordinary likeness... I shall display the model in my hallway for all my guests..."

music torture Mohammed al Qahtani

THEY'RE THE LUCKY ONES

It seems the main reason why Status Quo are so keen to play Live 8 isn't because, as you might imagine, they're desperate to get a foot on global platform in a bid to make up some of the ground their pension fund lost when it turned out shoving money into a teapot wasn't as shrewd an investment as it appeared at the time; instead, they can't remember playing Live Aid.

Which is lucky for the them - every one of the watching audience of billions has their set etched into our memories (especially the cutaway shots of Charles and his then beard Princess Diana getting down in the royal box). But it seems that Francis and Rick got so drunk at the aftershow that they remember little of what went on that day - they search their minds for even a glimmer of what the Nik Kershaw set was like, and it comes back empty.

"We didn't realise the gravity of Live Aid until we got on stage," says a now drug-free Rick.

So: apparently they had somehow managed to miss-out on all the preshow build-up. You might have thought newspaper headlines like "It's the biggest gig ever", "Most significant concert of all time" and "Fucking Hell! It's a gig with Adam Ant and Spandau Ballet" would have made it through the haze they lived in at the time, or even that Bob Geldof bloke being on the TV all time time, but it seems they didn't realise what they were doing until they got on stage. You wonder if it was always like that for Status Quo - coming out on stage, and until their eyes had adjusted to the light not being certain if they were beating out Rockin' All Over The World to the back room of the Finsbury Tap or a television audience of everyone, ever.

Francis added: "Apparently we were back on stage for the finale of Feed The World. I only know this because I've seen the film of it.

"But I do remember falling off a table with David Bowie just before we went back on..."

Apparently, Bowie fell so hard his eyes went back to being the same colour, and had to bang his head on the wall sixteen times before they went back to being trademark different colours again.

There's still no word on if they'll be part of the line-up for Live 8, but we've bought a lovely ring containing a hidden cyanide pill just in case.

music live 8 live8 staus quo

TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS

In the end, there are some forces which cannot be beaten: gravity, when you accidently sweep your aunt's favourite pot dog from a shelf; time, when you're desperate to leave the room before she finds out; and the massive centrifugal force which has been pulling Destiny's Child apart. That force, known to scientists as the Beyonce Ego (BE), has finally got so strong as to outweigh the counterbalancing force, LMC (or Lucrative McDonalds Contract) and so, Destiny's Child will cease to exist even in its current Beyonce and skeleton staff format at the end of the current tour, says a statement:

"We have been working together as Destiny's Child since we were 9, and touring together since we were 14.

"After a lot of discussion and some deep soul searching, we realised that our current tour has given us the opportunity to leave Destiny's Child on a high note, united in our friendship and filled with an overwhelming gratitude for our music, our fans, and each other. After all these wonderful years working together, we realized that now is the time to pursue our personal goals and solo efforts in earnest. ... No matter what happens, we will always love each other as friends and sisters and will always support each other as artists.

"We want to thank all of our fans for their incredible love and support and hope to see you all again as we continue fulfilling our destinies."

We're not sure about the "we've been together since we were nine" - as on that basis, Michelle must now be 14, what with her only joining in 2000. We're sure Kelly and especially Michelle will be delighted at having decided its time to pursue their personal goals, which in the very near future will include challenges like ensuring the pile of coins for the electricity meter is large enough to make it through to the end of the month and trying to get the landlord to come round and clean the stain on the carpet where it looks like the previous tennant had some kind of haemmorage.

Kelly was last seen desperately trying to find that edition of Us where they had an article about the TLC search for a replacement for Lefteye.

music destinys child beyonce

SCHEDULE NAILED

Good news for Swedes - Crucified Barbara are playing a slew of dates next month:



1st July - Club Cod in Strömstad, Sweden
2 - Restaurant Sisters in Söderhamn, Sweden
29 - Storsjöyran in Östersund, Sweden
30 - MetalMeet in Gothenburg, Sweden

What better time to visit Sweden?

music crucified barbara

TALKING OF DOHERTY....

Is it just us, or does this entire "news" story from the Herald-Sun eye column make no sense at all?

SUPERMODEL Kate Moss has become part of the rock star set thanks to her relationship with former bad boy Pete Doherty from the Babyshambles.

Doherty is a former junkie, and credits his relationship with Moss for saving his life.

He is now part of the exclusive London set that includes Jude Law's ex Sadie Frost.

They even go on holidays together -- last spotted on a luxury yacht at a mystery location in Europe.

Let's not even start with the High Court judgery of adding a "the" before the band name - all beat combos are called "The" something or other, don't you know? - and just ponder: what was Kate Moss before she joined the "rock star set", at the time she was singing with Primal Scream or appearing in White Stripe videos or trooping round backstage areas at festivals or appearing in lurid gossip tales with Digsy from Smaller?

What sort of self-respecting gossip column would use "former" to describe Doherty's bad-boy-ism and junkieship?

In what way is the London set featuring Jude and Sadie "exclusive" - surely the very defining feature of their world is the word exclusive never enters into it?

But best of all: how on earth can you be "spotted... at a mystery location"?
"Look, isn't that Pete Doherty and Kate Moss there?"
"Yes, I think it is, although the glint from that tin foil makes it hard to tell"
"We should tell the papers..."
"But if only we knew where we were..."

music pete doherty babyshambles kate moss

PERHAPS HE JUST HAD SOME SANDWICHES TO WRAP UP?

According to The Sun - we know, we know - Pete Doherty managed to get himself tossed off a yacht last week because he kept pestering the staff to give him tin foil.

Never mind the apparent drug-stuff here: holdaying with a supermodel on a yacht? What's the new babyshambles material going to be like with Doherty living in Whicker's World? He'll be buying a blazer next. Or at least a smoking jacket.

music pete doherty babyshambles

GET YOUR LIVE MIDGE TICKETS HERE - WELL, NOT ACTUALLY HERE

Travis! Snow Patrol! Dido! It's a strange gig where the most exciting thing about the bill is Lenny Henry hosting, but even so, we're sure you'll want to tell your grandchildren you went to Live 8 Scotland - and, frankly, if you're enticed by that bill, chances are you've already got quite a few grandkids. Six minutes after this post goes live, text lines will open giving you the chance to swell the coffers of O2, Orange, and Vodaphone and just possibly win a ticket.

The question is so insultingly simple they might as well just say "text A to 84599", to be honest. Good luck.

music live 8 live8

A QUICK LOOK AT THIS MORNING'S FRONT PAGES

It might be a sign that the Daily Mirror has finally decided that chasing an elusive youth market is taking it nowhere; their big music splash this morning is Pink Floyd signing up for Live 8:



Mind you, the Independent is reaching even further back, giving a sizeable chunk of their front page over to Jeff Wayne and his War of the Worlds double album - the stunt cover about Tales From Topographic Oceans can only be days away:



The Daily Star instead knows where its audience are - primary school, most of them, so its Live 8 story focuses on McFly, instead. And they're not actually claiming they have 42,000 tickets to give away for the London event - it's just their headline about the opening of ticket lines for the Scotland Live Midge event may give that impression:



The Star's main story is the Kerry Katona publicity wagon attempting to counter yesterday's News of the World splash which basically damned her as a hopeless, coke-addled crashzone. You'll note the angle they're going for is less "Kerry isn't a hopeless, coke-addled crashzone"; rather how "betrayed" she feels by her best friend who went to the papers.

And finally, we're suspecting the front of the Mail might have been cut off before the bottom - unless the phrase "Charlotte Flies" is a complete headline; could the new Anastacia meets Haliwell single be attracting flies already?

music kerry katona newspapers live8 live 8 war of the worlds

THIS WEEK, WE PLUGGED...

Brett and Bernard back together, in each other's arms, kissing. (Okay, maybe not kissing)



The official Eurovision DVD - so it's like someone told Terry Wogan to shut the fuck up

X + Y = 1

Despite the best attempts of the NME to whip up a three-way battle, to the surprise of nobody, Coldplay are this week's number one album; the White Stripes come in at three and Oasis' The Truth? You Couldn't Handle The Truth sticks at two. Nothing there very surprising, but remember the observation earlier in the week that Coldplay was outselling everything else in the Top 20 put together - which suggests about the only wise move the Gallagher brothers have made in the last five years was not to throw down the gauntlet to Coldplay by releasing albums on the same day.

The Tears' The Tears - the obtuse angle in the nme threesome - comes in at number 15.

U2, however, are being outsold in the singles chart by the frog. It's week of release for U2; the Frog is a badly animated ringtone that has already had two weeks at number one. It's doing really well, isn't it?

music oasis coldplay white stripes u2 crazy frog

GLASTO SPONSORSHIP ROW

The headline, of course, is that Mani has quit his djing slot at Glastonbury, because the sponsor of the tent he was due to play, Bidweiser, is also a sponsor of Manchester United. Mani has a grudge, then:

“I’m not having anything to do with Budweiser or any of the other United sponsors like Vodafone and Nike until they stand up to Glazer and help get him out of our club.”

The wider question, here, though, is: what exactly is a stage at Glastonbury doing being sponsored by a mulitinational company in the first place? Never mind Man U being up for sale - isn't Glastonbury meant to be the exact opposite of that sort of thing?

Will the Stone Circle be looking to get support from Jeep?

music mani festivals glastonbury manchester united

THANKS FOR THIS ONE, TOO, BOB

You might read elsewhere that the Pink Floyd which has come together in the interests of selling as many copies of the 30th anniversary special editions of Wish You Were Here ("of helping end world poverty and Live 8") is the classic line-up; it isn't, of course, it's just Roger Waters, Dave Gilmour, Nick Mason and Rick Wright - no Syd Barrett, then. Perhaps for the next Live Aid anniversary.

Meanwhile, we're starting to wonder just who these black artists Bob says he approached and invited to take part actually are. Estelle, for example, has been part of the Make Poverty History campaign, and yet Bob hadn't called her. Who, Bob, had you asked, when all these musicians told you they were too busy?

music estelle pink floyd syd barrett live8 live 8

JACKSON'S FAN SILENCED BY LAW

We feel a little sorry for those Jackson fans who not only cling to the belief that their hero is innocent of virtually everything, but travel down to be outside the courtroom to demonstrate their support - not simply because there's more than enough admissions by Jackson to prove that he's not quite right, even if he isn't illegally wrong, but because how can people who've heard every record he's made in the last twenty years still have any respect or admiration for the man as an artist? It's like being a Brookside fan incapable of accepting that, yes, killing it was Channel 4's greatest kindness and not doing so three years earlier was the network's worst cruelty.

But it's hard to feel sympathy for the deluded in the face of their demented campaigning, so it's probably for the best that Court TV's Diane Diamond has finally snapped and got a restraining order against one of them. B J Hickman has been disrupting Diamond's broadcasts by standing behind her yelling that she is a "demon, a liar, a whore, a she-devil and a racist"; at least two and probably more of those allegations are totally untrue. Hickman is now obliged to remain at least 20 yards from the broadcaster.

A further request from Court TV, that he be forced to stand behind Entertainment Tonight's reporter at all time, was rejected.

music michael jackson trial diane diamond

LA TOLD ME: BACK TO WORK, POP STAR

Just because you've got hair doesn't mean you can't hurt - and it seems that Jon Bon Jovi has been stung by criticism from the boss. He was the highest-profile stay away from L A Reid's 48th birthday party; he blamed it on the weather but 'informed sources' (i.e. gossip monkeys) reckon he huffed out
because Reid had slammed Bonb's new album as being too poor to ask for money for and had sent him back to the studio to have another go. Reid's been trying to suggest that it was Jon's idea to try all over again, after he'd finished the album - in, of course, exactly the same way once you'd handed in your English homework you'd run up to your teacher and say "no, you know what? I'll do another shot at that essay on Tennyson, actually".

music jon bon jovi l a reid

OH, ALRIGHT THEN, HAVE YOUR BLOODY AFRICANS

Apparently, Geldof has listened to the complaints about the lack of any African involvement in Live 8, and has taken on Peter Gabriel to shake-up some WOMADy types for the events - although they're going to be sidelined off into the Scottish side gig; it's an attempt to head off a breakaway gig that was being rumoured. Even so, by Geldof's own admission, it was Gabriel who made the offer rather than Bob. In another clarification, it looks like Bob has quietly dropped himself from the line-up for Hyde Park - something he couldn't have done with a straight face while insisting that a presence on the bill was about how many records you've sold.

music live8 live 8 bob geldof peter gabriel