Vacancies at the Gest-'House

Can we please do whatever it is that David Gest wants us to do to make him go away now, please? Watching Michael Grade launch ITV's broadband service, boasting about how they've got more great stuff in their archive than any other commercial broadcaster in the world, you wonder if that's the case, then why does he allow them to fill the airwaves with second-rate programming built around a man who could out-creep a conference full of struck-off clowns?

Now, Gest is being given a platform to be wrong anytime he chooses. For example, we're not fond of Amy Winehouse, but when we hear Gest oozing in her direction, we feel compelled to offer her sanctuary. Or a gun. Or something:

"I would kiss the mole on Amy Winehouse's face and every tattoo on her body, and I'd stick my tongue in the gap where her tooth is missing.

I love her."

Where's the News of the World and whipped-up crowd of the outraged when you really need them?

Couldn't he make the same offer to keep Liam quiet

There's just so much that's disturbing about Meg Matthew's account of the birth of her and Noel Gallagher's kid that we don't know where to begin:

"Noel said that if I didn't scream I'd get diamond earrings, so I didn't make a sound, like a Scientologist, and then out came beautiful Anais."

Is it worse that the bribe was made in the first place, or that it was accepted? What sort of father tells the woman he supposedly loves that she should keep her trap shut during childbirth? What sort of woman goes through childbirth more interested in winning a trip to Ratners than the life that's being started?

Metallica fans in love

Character comedian Marilyn Manson is hooking up with parody band Slayer in the hope a joint tour of the US might attract enough attention to outrage someone. Or at least unsettle somebody.

A parent's group in Texas has offered to get up a petition to have the event banned, although they admitted they were only doing it for old time's sake, and they'd probably end up spending the time fighting more pertinent threats to them, their straight families and the square way of life. "You know, like those brightly painted crabs you can buy in malls now - they seem to be the work of the devil far more than anything young Brian has to offer..."

George Michael: I'm your man, your honour

George Michael has changed his mind and pleaded guilty to driuving while unfit, although he maintains he was merely tired and whacked out on prescription drugs. He told the judge:

"I did something very stupid and I am very ashamed since doing it.

"I'm not used to defending myself in a position where I am ashamed of something.

"I really have been very distressed by this whole thing.

"I am perfectly aware that I did something very wrong and got into my car when I was unfit to drive.

"I was not in my normal physical state and I'm perfectly prepared to accept the correct punishment for that."

We really must ask George sometime where's he found a doctor who prescribes the drugs he was on at the time.

Sentencing has been adjourned to "allow blood tests to be carried out" - although since the car accident happened in October, we're not sure what they're meant to prove now.

We're sure the change of heart is down to genuine contrition and not because the trial was due to take place the day before his Wembley gig with potentially awkward side-effects if he'd been found guilty. Of course.

Possibly the hardest-working man in showbiz

At long last, someone prepared to up the stakes and make the Wedding Present's single-a-month campaign from a few years back (gathered as The Hit Parade and Hit Parade 2) seem like the half-formed work of slackers. Sean Wright is attempting an album a month for a year. Yes, an album, new, every month. It's running for a financial year, too, rather than a calendar one.

Good luck... especially with January...

The cheap price of Bravery

One of interest to you only if you're (a) in New York and (b) fond of the Bravery: they're following yesterday's Apple Store gigs with a live performance, for free, at Arlene's Grocery, 95 Stanton Street.

Coco pops: US tour pulled

Presumably the reasons will trickle out through a mixture of gossip and idle speculation, but for now all anyone seems to know about the New York arrest and subsequent axing of Coco Rosie's US tour is what the band have said:

“We are so sorry to announce that we cannot play the rest of the US tour dates. The band got arrested, that’s all I can say.

“We are crying. Say a prayer for our band.”

Since someone's got to start the idle speculation somewhere: outraging public decency, anyone?

Clarkson told to start over?

We're not entirely sure how you could tell a bad Kelly Clarkson record from a good one, which, presumably, is why Sony-BMG haven't been on the phone offering us work. But the Daily Star says Clive Davis reckons he can tell, and has told his singer the album she's delivered isn't good enough:

A source at the record company tells the paper, "It was an extraordinary presentation. Clive was absolutely merciless in his criticism of Kelly.

"She's one of the biggest priorities on the label and her new songs were savaged."

Were I shareholder in Sony-BMG, I might be worrying a little less about Clarkson's performance, and more about Davis: should a major label be investing so much hope in so slender an talent? And if she is so crucial to the future of the label, shouldn't someone in management be keeping a closer eye, rather than waiting until the head guy gets to hear the tracks, to avoid this sort of thing happening?

Girls Aloud could have done with another day, too

As you head back to your desks and swivel chairs at the end of a too-short bank holiday weekend, spare a thought for poor Girls Aloud, trapped in drudgery:

Nadine Coyle, 21, moans: "Your time's not your own. It's the other things that come first.

And the early mornings - we can't get used to them." And Sarah Harding, 23, chips in: "I'd much rather work from lunchtime right through the evening, rather than morning till five."

How unlike the happy little elves at play in Britain's factories and offices, who might work the same hours, but at least have the dignity of doing it day in, day bloody out, over and over, until they die, and don't have to cope with the shame of taking hundreds of thousands of pounds to the bank.

Glasto - now your butt is sponsored, too

It's being pitched as being part of the festival's commitment to all things ecological, but we can't help feeling that the deal between Glastonbury and Nouvelle toilet tissue looks a little bit like even every shit at the festival is now going to be sponsored.

Michael Eavis is instructing people to leave their own, non-recycled toilet roll at home - presumably this won't go as far as having everyone searched at the entrance and off-brand bogroll being confiscated - but, frankly, if we were heading to Worthy Farm we wouldn't want to put our faith in supplies lasting the whole weekend.

Of course, if the event wanted to be truly green, they'd, say, encourage people to leave their mobile phones at home, and not erecting temporary mobile masts, and having stalls sponsored by mobile phone companies on the site. We've probably just missed that announcement, haven't we?

Try to catch a deluge from a melting cap

The line-up for the Australian leg of Live Earth has been formally announced - no Midnight Oil, which may be a surprise:

CROWDED HOUSE
JACK JOHNSON
WOLFMOTHER
JOHN BUTLER TRIO
MISSY HIGGINS
ESKIMO JOE
SNEAKY SOUND SYSTEM
PAUL KELLY
GHOSTWRITERS
TONI COLLETTE & THE FINISH
BLUE KING BROWN

It's not... well, exactly glittering, is it? Perhaps they're holding back some surprises.

The tape runs out

We're slightly dubious about the claims that Currys decision to stop stocking cassettes is the official end of the road for the tape, because Currys do have a bit of form for announcing that it's taking some piece of technology or other off its shelves, so there's a haunting feeling this is just a bit of PR to take advantage of a quiet news period. But even so, with Woolworths apparently having dropped them too (to be honest, it's more surprising to hear that Woolworths is still going than that they're not selling tapes), it does feel like the end of an era. Currys managing director Peter Keenan tries to be gentle at this difficult time:

"I remember the tape with some fondness," said Peter Keenan, the managing director of Currys. "The hours spent putting together compilation tapes and the all-too-familiar experience of finding your deck had chewed your tape, will resonate with many now in their 30s and 40s."

Yes, who wouldn't remember "with fondness" their favourite tape being chewed to death. It's like having a chuckle over scratching your best single.

Paris: I'm a victim of my translucent beauty

Paris Hilton has attempted to cast herself as the Helen of Troy of our age - if only her nose was a slightly different shape, and her trials and troubles would elude her. Yes, she believes that the police keep pulling her over to hit on her.

And not because she's pissed and driving, swerving all over the place, or despite being one of the most familiar ferret-faced women on the planet, she was trying to drive while disqualified.

You might think if the police are always flagging you down to ask you out for muffins and coffee, you'd think twice before getting into your car ripped off your tits. Still, let's hear Paris out:

“I think I get in more trouble because of who I am. The cops do it all the time. They’ll just pull me over to hit on me.

“It’s really annoying. They’re like, ‘What’s your number? Want to go out to dinner’?

“I have so many cops’ business cards.”

Policemen with business cards? Maybe that's an American thing, but why would a highway patrol man have business cards? Unless they've done them themselves on one of those machines in shopping malls.

We do have some sympathy, Paris: you do get in more trouble because of who you are. And who you are is an unpleasant, self-obsessed rich woman who drives while drunk and assumes that laws don't apply to you because you're rich and believe yourself to be cute.

Kroeger's witty comeback

You would have thought by now Chad Kroeger must have come up with a standard response to being told that "Nickelback sucks" - obviously, you wouldn't expect him to be honest and say "yes", but even so, "and yet we keep selling records" would be both factually correct and, depending on the tone of voice, be a statement with which everyone can agree.

Kroeger, though, isn't one of the great minds of our time, so it appears that when he was outside a Vancouver nightclub and someone - apparently - yelled "Nicklelback sucks", he punched them instead. It's part of a golden age for the hairy groaner - last month there were reports of a fight with cops at a strip club, and he's still waiting for his day in court for driving while tight. Perhaps if whoever it is buying his records stopped, and cut off his access to royalties, he'd have to stay in, and we'd all be a little safer.

Mother, you're fired

We don't know what Usher is planning to get his mum for the American Mother's Day this coming Sunday, but he's probably going to need to supersize it: he's just fired her. She had been his manager as well as his mom, but now Usher wants to build a wall, he says, between work and private life:

"She and I are on great terms and support each other in our life's endeavors. We are both very happy but are now working in different areas of the business," he said in a statement to The Associated Press. "This is great for me because it means I now get to have my mother strictly as my mother with no added pressure."

"At this time in my life, I am simply more interested in building the strength of my family. And in order to do that, I feel it's best to separate my business life from my personal life."

Let's hope Mrs. Usher doesn't decide to simplify her personal life by sacking her son in response.

The Eagle-Eye-Pod

We're not sure it's something the world has been waiting for, but it's an interesting idea: Lawrence Latham has been modifying Action Men by adding iPod docks and speakers.

Warners drops staff

Adjusting too late to the new music business, Warners is expected to announce 400 sackings and investment in its digital activities as part of yet another restructuring. Although nobody really wants to be dumped by their employers, the 400 getting out while there's still money in the kitty for severance might be seen as the lucky ones in a few year's time.

eMusic threatened by pullout

Indie labels - many of them, anyway - are just like big labels, run to the same demands of vanity, short-sightedness and greed that have made EMI and Sony-BMG what they are today. It's just they usually have slightly smaller headquarters.

Still, they can grumble just as loudly as a major if they feel they've been done wrong, and now several indies are threatening to yank their collections from eMusic. They're unhappy at the new "connoisseur" level membership which, they claim, can see them earn as little as twelve cents a download; they feel the company is trying to boost the number of subscribers its got at their expense, with an eye to selling that list of members on to a new owner.

Only half a dozen of the 13,000 labels are threatening to quit - although even their exit could knock confidence in the service - but even supporters are muttering darkly:

Rian Murphy, head of digital sales for Chicago-based Drag City, [...] says he has no plans to leave the service. "But from the point of view of the label, the profit margin is greatly constricted, and it's a concern to anyone selling records. They would be better off being more equitable, or they will probably lose some labels. Everyone has to live."

eMusic's position is that, while it pays labels about a fifth as much as iTunes per song, it sells many more tracks, which ultimately means more cash for everyone:

"There's no question that eMusic pays less on a per-track basis than other a la carte digital services," [CEO David] Pakman says. But "it's not clear that 99 cents a song is the right price ... Music is an elastic good. If you lower the price, you'll sell more, and if you raise the price, you'll sell less."

Although even that isn't strictly true, either.

Judy - Fin and gone?

Modest Mouse's Eric Judy has, apparently, been taking some unaccounted time out, with Pitchfork suggesting he might not have been sighted with the band in performance since April 21st:

[H]e did not appear on the band's May 1 performance on "Late Night with David Letterman". One reader states Judy missed the May 6 show in Birmingham; another indicates Judy's bass duties at multiple recent gigs have fallen to Modest Mouse multi-instrumentalist Tom Peloso and a member of opening act Love as Laughter.

His early absence was explained away as illness; the band's publicist assures Pitchfork that he's "fine", which would suggest that maybe he isn't ill. Indie soothsayers are killing chickens even as we speak (accounting for squeals of "I've got blood on my Pastels t-shirt" coming from backyards across the Western world) but nobody seems quite sure what's happening.

Madonna tries to become Cyborg Cowell

Of course, Madonna will have precious little to do with the day-to-day running of Big Shot, some ill-conceived attempt at a cross between America's Got Talent and YouTube, but the involvement of Maverick is enough for her name to add some much-needed sparkle to the idea.

Effectively, you're being invited to upload video of yourself being talented, then deliver your on and offline friends to vote for you, with one winner every day getting a prize. A duff prize, though, because all it is is an audition with a "Hollywood rainmaker", and entry into another talent competition.

The organisers of BigShot are, clearly, very excited at the idea of selling advertising:

"These individuals become marketable talent," said Madison Road partner Jak Severson. "The notion is, as long as you're popular, advertisers want to market around you."

Although if you're popular and smart, you might want to think about sticking your own video on the web, slapping some Google adwords onto the site, and keeping the rake-off for yourself. After all, wouldn't a half-decent Hollywood Rainmaker seek you out anyway if you're that good and popular?

While you might argue that BigShot could deliver an audience that a self-promoted site wouldn't, it's clear that, nope, their business plan is that you're supposed to bring your own eyeballs:

Rather than lure random surfers, "Big Shot" hopes contestants will rally their online peers -- think MySpace friends, etc. -- to visit the site and propel them to victory.

"It's all about an 11th grade kid who already has an online fanbase using his virtual friends" to get ahead, Maverick TV topper Michael Rosenberg said.

So, let's get this straight: you provide the audience that Maverick and Madison Road will sell to advertisers, you provide the content, and all you get is a chance at a shot of entering a talent show? That's not, exactly, the most enticing deal.

Maverick, of course, isn't new to this whole crushing ("nurturing") new talent thing - they were behind the poorly-thought-out screentime wrong that was I'm With Rolling Stone.

Candid Camera

Interesting moment on Marc Riley's Brain Surgery last week, when he asked session guests Camera Obscura if they'd appeared to have sold out by allowing Tesco to use one of their tracks ("just to naive people" was their response.) They then revealed they'd not really been paid all that much - which would make sense: Tesco screw over the farmers for the produce the advert was promoting; why would they pay a decent rate ("I don't even know that we could eat on [what they paid alone]") for the soundtrack?

"Someone who dyes their hair", then

Jessica Simpson has changed the hue of her hair. This might be the sort of thing most people do with barely a murmur, but for Jessica, it's something deeper:

"I'm happy to be a brunette because it reflects who I am now."

Yes. As a person with brown hair, having brown hair really does reflect you as a person who has brown hair.

Spooky, isn't it?

Radio presenters in hiding

We really hope that there's some plausible explanation that doesn't involve American policemen overstepping the mark, and then carrying on in the same direction, behind the story that two presenters from WKXW in New Jersey have had to go in hiding from the local cops.

Craig Carton & Ray Rossi - who broadcast as the Jersey Guys - fled their studio after hearing New Jersey State Police Union President had objected to a feature they'd done a planned speeding ticket blitz. Now, the objection in itself isn't objectionable, but Jones threatened "retribution" and, oh yeah, gave out the DJs' home addresses.

The pair's employers, Millennium, issued a statement:

"New Jersey 101.5 and Millennium Radio takes threats against its employees and their families very seriously. This afternoon, Davey Jones of the State Police FOP held a very emotional press conference filled with threats against New Jersey 101.5's Craig Carton and Ray Rossi, as well as management and employees of New Jersey 101.5 FM Radio. This form of intimidation and extortion is reprehensible. During his rage, he also made offensive and embarrassing threats against his own state troopers. We are requesting a full investigation from the New Jersey State Police and the Attorney General's office."

New Jersey's attorney general has acceded to demands for a full inquiry

SoundExchange: Looking for Brett Anderson

Last week, we explored how SoundExchange, the body which has taken on for itself the task of collecting and distributing royalties from online radio in the US uses leftover cash to pay off 'loans' from the RIAA for their set-up. And just how much of that money was leftover.

Today, Idolator have flagged up the list of artists that SoundExchange haven't been "able to find" to give their share to. It seems that rather than use the forty cents in a dollar the organisation is creaming off to, you know, seek out the rightful owners of the cash, they're just publishing a list hoping that people might identify themselves.

Call us old-fashioned, but if you're collecting money on behalf of other people, with the promise of passing it on, shouldn't it be your job to find the people you're collecting on behalf of?

So, who's on the list, then? It's available online and includes such obscure groups as the Afghan Whigs, Akinyele, Suede, Ali Campbell, Boy Meets Girl, the Candyskins, Chris DeBurgh - CHRIS DE BURGH - Claudia Brucken... and so it goes on. Doubtless, there may be some slightly more obscure artists on the list, but even if we take a name at random, say, ELIZABETH GUTIERREZ Y TEXAS FIRE, a quick Google reveals that Elizabeth Gutierrez is currently Associate Professor of Piano at UTSA. Her webpage even has a phone number and an email address. Surely SoundExchange should be capable of spending five minutes looking for people who aren't exactly hiding? How difficult can it be to give money away?

(We'll let Ms Gutierrez know there's some cash waiting for her, by the way.)

This list, by the way, is just of people who will lose their entitlement to money if they don't get in touch by the end of June - there's apparently an even longer list of names whose money is "resting" in the SoundExchange coffers who have a bit longer to get in touch. We're puzzled that - since the organisation is making bugger all effort to seek them out, and not bothering to publish a list of the names they've not been able to find, how are you meant to know if you're on the list? Psychic detectives?

It's a funny way for a company believed to be trustworthy with other people's funds to behave.

Something to listen to: Bank Holiday Bjork

Although it's from the other night, and it's not actually a bank holiday in America, but even so: NPR are streaming Bjork's New York gig.

White (Power) Riot

A depressing, jaw-dropping moment of idiocy at the Clash Culture event, called, ironically, to mark the 30th anniversary of White Riot being released:

What could have been a simple symposium to trade shirt-stencilling tips was soured somewhat by the presence of Clash manager and "punk philosopher" Bernie Rhodes.

Rhodes was in no mood to sit still in his museum cabinet. He began by laying into Julian Temple's new film about Joe Strummer, The Future is Written, describing it as "crap - a film made by a public schoolboy about another public schoolboy" and adding, "They've turned Joe into a hippie because they want another John Lennon." All very punk rock, of course, but Rhodes wasn't finished. During a rambling tangent on the Iraq war, Rhodes dropped the bombshell that "If you want to sort out crime in London, sort out the niggers in Peckham." Following catcalls and heckles from the audience, the organisers brought up the house lights, and brought the night to an early close.

As Louis Pattison deftly points out in his Comment Is Free piece, sad though this is, it's in-keeping with punk's tradition of gormlessly embracing all kinds of stinking politics for either fashion, cool, or just plain old nasty ignorance and spite. It was telling back when Clive James' most recent autobiography came out, with the anecdote about being backstage with the Sex Pistols, the focus was on how it couldn't have happened rather than the Pistol's use of the swastika.

We're not so sure it didn't happen, by the way - James' places the story backstage at both Granada and the Today programme; we suspect he's recalled meeting the band in Manchester (presumably pre-So It Goes) but assumed the occassion had been Bill Grundy's interview. The reference to Lord Bernstein confirms this interpretation, and perhaps if Clive can get that fixed for the paperback, we might all be able to focus less on why there was Sid Vicious in the anecdote than why there was a swastika in it in the first place.

[EDIT: Louie, Louis - correct Louis now identified. See comments]

They Spelled My Name Wrong Again

You'd hope that Christina Aguilera's response to turning up and discovering the venue had got her name wrong would have been as inspired as Loudon Wainwright's. But you can bet it wasn't.

Girls Aloud "like ordinary people" surprise

The Daily Mirror, inexplicably, has failed to hold the front page for Kate Jackson's breathless discovery that Girls Aloud are flesh and blood:

PREMIERSHIP footballers fall at their feet, they dump Hollywood hunks who don't make the grade - but behind the ice-cool looks and chartsmashing hits, Girls Aloud are no different to the rest of us.

Good lord - you mean they're the sort of people who might schlep up to take part in a godawful talent show on ITV?

Oh, hang on.

But what is the point of this interview?

Nadine hates to be seen naked, Kim loathes her legs. Cheryl worries about her weight, while Nicola wants to put on pounds and Sarah says her skin looks old. Here, as ambassadors for Sunsilk, the Girls exclusively reveal their secret insecurities.

There's something depressing about an advert being dressed up as an interview, but even worse is the clumsy was Jackson has - well, not shoehorned, so much as gaffer-taped on the sponsor's credit.

The Fratellis discover that revenge can, sometimes, be too bloody cold

There was some backstage unpleasantness at the Brits, it seems, when Lily Allen has a pop at The Fratellis for taking "their" award, according to Barry Wallace:

“I’ve never properly met her but when we were going up to collect our Brit she shouted, ‘You’re a robbing ****’ to Jon, saying we had robbed the award from her. I’ve no time for the girl.”

But now, just, um, four short months later, they've come up with a response - because she cut short her US tour claimign tiredness:

“A couple of times we’ve wanted to pack it in and go home but we’ve carried on for the fans who have bought tickets. Lily Allen is a different kettle of fish.

“She’s a pop artist so she never went through two years of touring constantly to get a break.”

Which is why, erm, they only cancelled some of their US dates claiming tiredness - presumably the people who bought tickets for those weren't fans or something.

It also turns out the Fratellis are sick of The Fratellis, too, according to Jon Lawler:

I’m getting pissed off with singing Chelsea Dagger now.

“We’ve decided we have to write songs for the next album which won’t get on our nerves.

“I can’t stop playing it because that’s what people want to hear — but we need some more material.”

Writing Fratellis songs which don't get on your nerves when you hear them more than once? That's a challenge right up there with trying to write your entire second album in Esperanto, surely?

Prince driven off The Simpsons

It had all been set up - the sketches drawn, the script prepared, the publicity machine ready to roll. The Prince turned up to record his cameo in The Simpsons and said 'actually, I've got a better script here. And it's written by my chauffeur.'

So Prince won't be appearing in The Simpsons now:

[Matt] Groening tells the New York Daily News, "Prince wanted to do the show, so we wrote him a script. It didn't work out, because his chauffeur had written a script, too, and Prince wanted to use that one."

So, luckily, they never had to have the "how come my character is shorter than Lisa?" talk, either.