Courtney hires some help

Cast your eyes over the details of Courtney Love's new band:

"I really hired [one member] 'cos he looks so much like Kurt. It's weird, and he can play really well. He didn't kill me but he swore if I gave him a week he'd learn everything. He's blonde and soooooooo beautiful and his guitar playing is great."

"The other is a guy from band called Larrakin Love [sic] [Micko, to be precise]. His guitar playing blew me away because it's just so fucking MODERN. Its' Jonny Greenwood and Jack White and now and he's not stuck in any nineties rut."

There's something slightly disturbing about hiring a bloke who isn't very good but does have an uncanny resemblance to your husband when he still had a face; and, equally, someone thinking that Radiohead and the White Stripes represent some sort of bleedingly perpetual now sound. We'd suggest she gets out a little more, but - having seen where that can get us - maybe best not to, eh?

Muse unimpressed by George Michael

Not that they're annoyed at George Michael having nipped in ahead of them to claim the first gig at the New Wembley title, or anything. Oh, no, that would be petty:

Drummer Dom Howard said, "George Michael doing Wembley is a joke. Who cares? Our show is going to be massive, it's the pinnacle."

However, he did add that he was more than a little nervous about playing the show. "I've been very cocky about it behind closed doors," he said. "but I've been shitting myself about it as well."

At least you've got a job where you can keep sitting down and always face the audience, Dom.

Live Earth in South Africa: A long way from Devon

As if to help stress the importance of reducing, reusing, recycling, the Live Earth line-up for the South African leg of the global jaunt includes, erm, Joss Stone and UB40. Flying in from Devon and Birmingham, of course.

That'll help.

There was a rather good piece in The Times yesterday about the enormous credibility problem Live Earth is building for itself:

Live Earth is also having to field jibes about the embarrassing collusion of at least two of the performers at the New York event in the television advertising of gas-guzzling SUVs. John Legend is featured in a new Lexus commercial, while Sheryl Crow’s hit Everyday Is a Winding Road is helping to sell Sub-aru 4WDs. Such is the level of disquiet felt about Al Gore’s debut as a promoter of music shows that a pressure group in New Zealand, the Climaction coalition, is urging people to protest about it on July 7. In the past, the coalition has accused Gore himself of “greenwashing”.

And they're still planning on doing a gig in Antarctica for no reason other than the stunt value.

Dublin says no to Bono

Bono and The Edge's plans to expand the Clarence hotel, the place they own on the Liffey, have had a bit of a knock back after people who actually live in Dublin have objected:

in a letter to Dublin city council, published in the magazine Building Design, Michael Smith, the former chairman of the heritage group An Taisce, accused Bono and his co-owners of having a “fetish for glamour”. “The days of grateful fawnings over international – or in this case intergalactic – architecture on Dublin’s landmark sites should be over,” he wrote.

Bono's plans were to slap a glass roof in the shape of a Viking Long Boat on the top of the building, to, erm, emphasise the Viking heritage of the city or something. Or maybe he's just bought a company that makes glass viking long boats.

Funnily enough, we stayed in the Clarence a few years back - the glamour of the venue included the need for the fire brigade to come out when people tried to use the lift, and having to put the duvet over the radiator as - since it wouldn't turn off - it was the only way to stop heat pumping into the room. Still, the restaurant was certainly priced for glamour.

Gallows hung out to dry

Could Gallows be for the chop? Last night on stage in Sheffield, Frank Carter warned that he couldn't do this much longer:

"I'm going to level with you guys, I was out there crying before because I don't know if I can do this any more," Carter declared from the stage. "I don't know if I can play for you cunts any more."

But he cheered up later, after calling his Mum:

"I was on the phone to my mum and I said, 'I've had enough of this shit'. My mum said to me, 'You're just like me, you care too much'," explained Carter, adding that Gallows would continue. "It's too important for us to quit."

It's thought his Mum was keen for him to continue on the UK tour because she's let his room out while he's away.

Good enough? Dodgy reunite

We're not sure there's any real public demand, but Dodgy are coming back together, with the original line-up, for a quick hoof-round of some smaller venues. It's six years since they split, apparently, and nine since the original line-up last played together. It just seems like they never went away because of the number of times Staying Out For The Summer has been licensed to advertise any old thing:

5 November - Glasgow ABC1
6 - Sheffield Leadmill
8 - Birmingham Academy 2
9 - Manchester Academy 2
10 - Liverpool Academy
12 - Northampton Roadmender
13 - Bristol Academy
15 - Shepherd's Bush Empire (15)

Paris Hilton: The Jonathan Aitken of, erm, whatever it is she does

Yes, in a bid to try and gain early release, ("to show she's changed"), Paris Hilton has found God:

Speaking from inside prison, she said she is reading the Bible in her cell and is seeing a spiritual adviser.

Paris, 26, added: "I used to act dumb. That act is no longer cute. Now I would like to make a difference. God has given me this chance. God has released me."

Presumably, she hasn't yet got to the bit in the Bible about camels, eyes of needles, and so on.

George Michael wants to get head

Who, you wonder, would be likely to pay fifty million pounds for Damien Hirst's diamond-encrusted skull, which looks like the sort of thing Elizabeth Duke would flog if they could find enough cubit zirconia?

Step forward, George Michael, who has apparently had a private viewing of the artwork (actually, they're all private viewings, aren't they?).

It might seem odd for George to be considering burning through piles of cash for an exquisitely turned-out empty head with a rictus grin and nothing whatsoever to say for itself, but he did used to split the Wham money with Andrew, so it's not unprecedented.

Kepp your hands off B-day

It turns out that winning a competition to meet Beyonce means precisely that. People who won the prize to meet her in Dublin had a great time:

Fans who had won a brief “meet and greet” in a local radio competition were warned twice that there were to be no bags, kissing, questions or touching.

Organisers of the sold-out gig also charged fans for a photograph with the star.

Because, of course, you'd want to have a permanent memorial of the time you were briefly quite near someone famous.

Oh, and "no bags" - at first, you might think that means you're not getting a small bag of memorabilia - no, it means you couldn't take your own bag with you. Presumably in case it contained a reporter from Watchdog keen to ask Beyonce about the rip-off prices she charges for photographs.

Has Victoria Newton ever been to a festival?

This morning, she suggests:

ONLY PETE DOHERTY and KATE MOSS could go to a festival and miss most of the acts.

With the food, and fairgrounds, and sponsor's displays and all the other distractions - to say nothing of, for the likes of Pete and Kate, the attractions of the backstage tents - surely nobody sees "most" of the acts any more?

Kerry Katona story leaks

You have to feel for Kerry Katona and her husband thingybloke Mark Croft. They've been hounded out of Warrington by chequebook journalism:

"We moved away from Warrington to get away from all the people selling stories on Kerry.”

Mark's desire to take his family away from people giving embarrassing interviews in return for cash might be thwarted though, with, erm, him telling Now magazine all about his wife's bladder control problems:

After Kerry’s waters had broken I made sure Kerry got a towel before getting in my car as she was all wet.

“It was pouring out . It was mad! “She was using nappy things throughout her pregnancy – Kerry was peeing if she so much as sneezed – so I made her put one on before she got in the car.

“They’re like incontinence pads.”

Presumably the idea in moving from Warrington, then, was to ensure that if anyone was going to get cash from the papers for stories about them, everything will be flowing towards the family. Well, nearly everything.

There's nothing quite as funny as domestic violence

Would Victoria Newton have been quite so chippy about a man getting pissed and beating up his wife as she is about Amy Winehouse's admission that she beats up Blake Fielder-Civil when she's been on the booze?

“I’m either a really good drunk or I’m an out-and-out shit, horrible, violent, abusive, emotional drunk.

“I’ll beat up Blake when I’m drunk. I don’t think I’ve ever bruised him, but I do have my way. If he says one thing I don’t like then I’ll chin him.

“I’m not a fighter, but if I am backed up against the wall I’ll kick the shit out of anyone.

“I don’t think your ability to fight has anything to do with how big you are. It’s to do with how much anger is in you.”

Hmmm. If you have that much anger in you, Amy, you might want to think twice about the amount of alcohol you're topping it up with.

Newton, however, approaches the subject as a bit of a giggle:

The Back To Black singer admitted she has a violent streak that comes out when she drinks — and she often uses new hubby Blake Fielder-Civil as a punch bag.

So I guess it wasn’t only her liver that suffered after she asked for 24 bottles of Moet champagne as part of her festival demands.

I don’t envy Blake his role as the new brunt of her booze binges.

Still, it might explain the Ray-Ban sunglasses which are almost permanently attached to his head.

Has he been using them as the usual boxers’ prop?

I think it’s about time Amy started bee-hiving herself.

Of course, with her editor having spent some time in the cells after "a silly row which got out of hand" with Ross Kemp, perhaps Victoria is wise being careful how she talks about women who attack their partners.

Cub reports

The nice thing about the I Was A Cub Scout's website is that they also show the age limits on each of their shows. Which means you can see if you need to fake ID to get in:

* Jun 19 2007 Academy 2, Liverpool (14+)
* Jun 20 2007 Academy 2, Newcastle (14+)
* Jun 21 2007 Plug, Sheffield (14+)
* Jun 22 2007 Fibbers, York (15+)
* Jun 23 2007 Nastyfest, The Faversham, Leeds (18+)
* Jun 24 2007 Little Civic, Wolverhampton (14+)
* Jun 26 2007 Charlotte, Leicester (14+)
* Jun 27 2007 Arts Centre, Norwich (14+)

NB: Don't fake your ID. That would be wrong. Try loose women and cheap whisky - that'll age you more quickly.

Mondays shut out of the City

Last time they went to play the States, the Happy Mondays had to leave Bez behind. Now, they've had even more serious visa problems, and have been forced to pull their In The City of New York date entirely.

The official statement draws attention to the growing problems of getting British bands into America to play:

It seems that post-9/11 visa application restrictions for a band with the Happy Mondays history- know as much for their legendary lifestyle as their unique collision of rave beats, indie rock and street poetry has proven difficult this time. Essentially the US Embassy in the UK has halted the process of Bez’s visa application until the outcome of pending court proceedings. Unfortunately Bez was unable to come and shake his maracas at the bands first US performance in more than a decade at Coachella this spring. These proceedings should have concluded weeks ago but due to rescheduling, it made it impossible for a US visa to be issued in time for this weeks planned appearance.

Although the rest of the band were able to enter the country and perform at Coachella, it transpired that other band members - including Shaun Ryder - had been issued with single entry only visas, due to their prosecution histories. Although the duration of the term of their visas would have allowed another visit to the US, the single entry status meant that the whole visa application process had to be restarted upon their return from LA, placing their plans to appear in NYC in jeopardy.

The Happy Mondays are absolutely “gutted” at not being able to support Tony Wilson this week. However, they are sorting their visas issues once and for all—so the whole band— can return to the states sometime soon.

Oddly, the BPI seem to be very quiet on this one - isn't this the sort of thing they should be making a fuss about?

Wrong side of the Tracks

We've just had an email from James Waterson, recording the loss of another indie music store:

"Just popped over to Track Records, a fairly large independent store that's provided the backbone of York's music scene for the past 30 years. It's the sort of place that gets in every seven inch released by any tiny label in the country, where they have great stocks of obscure 80s indie and 60s r'n'b - in short, just what every music fan needs. A local group could press up a few hundred records and sell the whole lot to likeminded souls, anyone could write a fanzine, leave on the counter and guarentee that it would be read and appreciated. What's more, the staff encourage such actions for the greater good of the scene.

But it doesn't count for anything when the sales decline combines with rising rents. Moved from its high street location to a position on the edge of the city centre Track has finally run out of cash and as of this week launched a fire sale with a view to shutting down its once successful mail order business and shop with the month. The staff are distraught - when one pondered "what am I going to do?" he clarified it by meaning "about getting music, never mind my job". They are genuine fans of music, always recommending releases and assisting start up record labels such as myself. Within a month they will cease to exist and head the way of Spillers et al as our indie stores are subsumed.

Afterwards I wandered down to Virgin/HMV on our highstreet, the only remaining music shops in York. Only the latter made an attempt to stock singles, proffering a half shelf's worth of battered White Stripes seven inches and top 10 CDs. Local bands don't get a look in while trendy adverts try to convince me to buy Credit Cards and 'Entertainment packages' for my HDTV. The album selection is wide, but you're unlikely to find The Fall's entire back catalogue nestling between Felt reissues and current underground indie pop, let alone with staff who will provide honest appraisals. I've often scoffed at those who bemoan the 'death of the music industry' and the end of alternative culture. Yet today York's slowly-reviving-post-Shed-Seven music scene has been irrevocably damaged. Almost all of my current music taste was informed by rarities grabbed from the shop during my teenage years and yet, were in the same postion now, it's a good half hour on the train to the nearest non-highest music shop. Quite frankly, I simply wouldn't bother."

James tells us that the shop has been replaced with a sandwich shop. They'd better be bloody brilliant sandwiches.

REG loves Madge

Fancy that, eh? Richard E Grant - who stars in Madonna's movie Filth and Wisdom - reckons that Madonna is a great director:

"She is somebody who is so determined to stretch in every direction and I really admire that.

"Believe me, the number of directors that I have worked with who don't have half her ability makes me believe she has a real talent."

Richard's ability to separate wheat and chaff is demonstrated by just how many of those Argos adverts he made. Because if he could cheerfully turn up and do those, we're not sure his sense of judgement is calibrated on any scale known to us.

Ash to Ashes?

The end of Ash's Isle of Wight festival date has sent those of us who still care into full-on Ash-split mode. Introducing a song, Tim Wheeler told the crowd:

"This is our last song off our final album."

If they're having a fire sale, we're thinking of putting in a bid for Tim.

Dohety pursued by demons

Pete Doherty might want to calm down a bit, as apparently he's jumped into a press photographer's car claiming he was being chased by demons. Possibly the sort of demons which expect payment in return for merchandise rather than, say, an empath demon.

[Sam] Kelly says, "His eyes were rolling in his head and it looked like he was dribbling. He asked me for a lift and kept saying, 'I'm late' although he never said what for. I could see the sweat pouring off him and he just started mumbling to himself.

He was talking about how he doesn't like people wearing Kate's clothes and how he and Kate want to have kids together.

And he said he is going to be a bigger music legend than Sir Paul MCCartney.

He asked to use my mobile to make a couple of calls. He was talking away on the phone, but I couldn't tell if there was anyone on the other end. When I checked the phone later the number he had dialled wasn't recognised. Pete carried on mumbling until I slowed for a corner, then he just jumped out and ran off. He was in a real state."

That's definitely Sam Kelly the photographer and, sadly, not Denis Waterman's co-star from On The Up, I'm afraid.

Gossip item

The Gossip are playing a small-ish tour of the UK this September, which we're assuming has been arranged while the iron's hot:

7 September - Birmingham Academy
8 - Bristol Academy
9 - Bestival
11 - Cambridge Corn Exchange
12 - Preston 53 Degrees
13, 14 - London Forum
15 - Brighton Dome

The trials of those who would be famous

Stupid comedy hats off to the Guardian's Organ Grinder blog for describing latest Big Brother inmate Seany as [looking like] Goldie Lookin' Chain employed Mick Hucknall.

Meanwhile, Sky News is suggesting that Seany's support for Michael Jackson during his child abuse trial was a "skeleton in his closet", although seeing as he was talking about it - with a sense of pride - in his pre-entry video, it's not exactly much of a skeleton, nor, indeed, deeply inside a closet.

Still, they have managed to track down an interview with the man after the doves of innocence were released:

"I am so relieved because Michael Jackson was persecuted for crimes he didn't commit.

"He has touched everyone through his entertainment and has given every person a happy memory. He's a martyr - but the thing to remember is he's still alive."

Where did Sky get the quote from? Erm... a BBC interview. So, that's coverage of a Channel 4 programme relying on reportage from the BBC. Rupert must be delighted at his investments working so well for him.

That should cheer Lily Allen up a little

It seems that although Lily Allen is really only desperate to get back to the studio and make some more albums, she managed to smile through her tears when Kanye West invited her to a birthday party in New York.

We say he invited her; it was his party but we doubt if he wrote all the invites out himself.

Prince fills in the dates

Prince has announced the rest of his London dates and, despite the suggestion that he was going to play a series of unusual locations, he's just topped up the number of dates at the Millennium Dome to twenty-one. Tickets on sale Friday at 9; on eBay from about 9.15.

Commercial radio asks listeners what they think

Because they're always grumpy about their regulator - even a regulator which, really, is about as in control as the titular babysitter in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, the commercial radio sector in the UK is trying to fight against Ofcom's latest set of proposals by holding a big debate, called The Big Listen.

The survey is being promoted on commercial radio - which means it won't really be very good at finding out what people who don't already listen commercial radio want to hear on the radio - and appears to only be online, at a stroke disenfranchising the 16 million Britons who have never been online.

Those who do make it on might feel the questions are somewhat skewed. Take, for example, this proposition with which you are asked to agree or disagree:

I like to hear well-known personalities and celebrities on my local radio station

Is it just us being suspicious, or does that seem a little bit like they're expecting everyone to say "yes", thinking the question means "do you enjoy it when David Essex is interviewed on Radio Little Rissington", only for the statistics to be used to justify simulcasting one programme across many networks - "statistics show that listeners love being able to hear the big names on their stations..."

The agenda is slightly less hidden on this question:

As long as my local station gives the information I need, I don’t mind where it’s broadcast from

but still, it's not as honest as phrasing the question "It makes no difference to me if my local station is actually broadcasting from outside the area", is it? And the sort of people who get annoyed that their 'local' voice is actually coming from a tower block in central London have abandoned the stations where the survey is being promoted anyway.

Then there's this question:

In the future radio should be available on as many devices as possible

Since it's technically possible to broadcast radio through a toaster, does strongly agreeing with this mean you're signing up for a receiver to really be built into anything possible?

Brothers against Punks... sort of

Dance music suddenly looked like it was going to get a bit more interesting, with the Daily Record suggesting a spat between The Chemical Brothers and Daft Punk:

DANCE duo The Chemical Brothers launched an attack on their fellow headliners at Rockness by claiming Daft Punk are spoiled divas.

Blimey. Really?

Erm... no, not really:

Tom said: "I hear Daft Punk got a helicopter. Last night we went for a curry in Inverness.

"We were walking down the banks of Loch Ness with the sun shining. It's beautiful."

... which doesn't quite stack up the idea they were calling DP divas so much as suggesting they might have been missing out on something.

The sixty-second interview

What's really disappointing about Amy Winehouse's swiftly aborted interview during Channel 4's Isle of Wight Festival coverage is, surely, if she's so drunk she's only going to give one-syllable answers, it should just be No! Noooo! Nooooo!

Dave Cameron loses his golden boy

As if things weren't bad enough for David Cameron, when his butler has ironed this morning's Daily Mirror for him he's going to find out that Adam Rickitt, the most glittering of the celebrity a-list supposed to spark interest in the Tories, isn't going to be standing for them in the next election.

Given the choice between pounding the streets on the hustings before four years in opposition, or hanging about in Shortland Street, Rickitt chose New Zealand:

"Though I will always love England, I am now smitted with NZ and the people and want to work here, live here and raise a future family here."

Adam, who has bought a house and applied for residency, added: "I'm sure I'll still do jobs in the UK but I am so happy now.

"Everybody here has time for each other."

It's amazing what a society is like if it never endured Thatcher, isn't it?

We're not sure what "smitted" means - perhaps he meant that God made good on his threat to smite him. We're also not sure what a "future family" is, but we're going to assume that he intends to try and unseat George in Jane Jetson's affections.

Still, there's some good news for Dave: David Van Day is still available.

Moss side

It's probably unwise to condemn someone on the basis of a quote in Victoria Newton's Bizarre column, especially when it's been filtered through from the Isle of Wight festival. So let's hope that Kate Moss didn't really respond to Blake Fielder-Civil's goading about Pete Doherty by calling him "a fucking queer":

An onlooker said: “Kate went mental. Blake asked where her boyfriend was and she sneered ‘Gone for a p*ss, you fucking queer’.

“Kate shouted to her security guard, ‘Get him out the way’, and he was thrown out.”

Surely someone who works in the fashion industry wouldn't be tossing "queer" about as an insult, would she?

Challenge Anneka: Where's the money going?

Most charity records are a bit shady - even if the artists give their time for free, other expenses can eat away at the donation. It's usually a better idea to buy a record you like, and give a donation equal to the price of the charity record straight to the good cause.

Even so, it's something of a surprise to discover that if you shell out £14 for the showtunes album put together by Anneka Rice on ITV the other week, just £2 goes to the Association of Children's Hospices.

[A] spokeswoman last night insisted no one except the charity is profiting from the album.

She said the £13.95 retail price was necessary to cover costs like manufacturing, distribution and retailing, and said the £2 per copy was a higher donation than normal for a charity CD.

The spokeswoman added: “Reaction to the programme has been incredible. This will help tremendously in raising awareness of the charity and a substantial donation.”

But is that even true? In all the pre-publicity for the programme we saw, the name of the charity wasn't mentioned - if the idea was to "raise awareness", would it not have made sense to at least mention the Association in the trailers, rather than having a brief shot of a telegenic tot and a vague statement that "Anneka's doing it for the kids"?

Still, the charity will at least get a boost when ITV sends a cheque for the advertising slots it sold around the programme.

It is giving the money it made, isn't it?

Meanwhile, you could give direct to the Association.

Why David Furnish is wise to not talk much

David Furnish has attacked Michael Moore's film, Sicko, which - we suspect - he hasn't actually seen. The movie is based on the US healthcare system, focusing on the seventeen million people without health insurance.

Furnish, bless him, missed the point somewhat:

"I completely disagree with Michael Moore.

"With my own father, when he was ill, the only option was to hire a jet and fly him to America. It was the only place to get good treatment."

No, David, you've agreed with Michael Moore; the American healthcare service is brilliant, if you can pay for it. You seem to have confused his film with one about rubbish doctors.

Chemical spits in Manson's eyes

The dignified response to Marilyn Manson's tired taunts at My Chemical Romance's expense would have been silence. The honest response, a shrug and an admission that it's a bit like Wal Mart and Safeway arguing over who's the chainiest store.

Instead, Gerard Way has attempted to rise in a battle of blunted wits:

“If Elvis Costello said we sucked we would think about it a bit but usually it is comments from someone with a new record to promote so the remarks ring hollow.

"We still haven't found someone that has knocked us down that we need to take seriously."

Well, no, because anyone who attacks MCR is like a drunk fighting a scarecrow - however seriously the assault might be intended, it's not only pointless but by treating the scarecrow as a valid rival will leave the drunk diminished when he sobers up. It's interesting that Gerard most fears a tongue lashing from Elvis Costello, though. Since he hasn't made a decent album since Gerard was in diapers, it's curious as to where his name came from as a gold standard. We wonder if Gerard plucked it out the good clean air.