Nickelback... back... back

As James points out in the comments on the Shakira piece, LiveNation have also signed a 360 deal with Nickelback.

Which is enough excuse to mention the hilarious - but not in the way they think - sofa store advert currently churning out on ITV right now, which isn't even a parody of the Rock Star video; it just is the Rock Star video - people miming to Chad Kroeger's vocals, albeit this time with sofas behind them. The idea being, you see, you don't have to be a rock star to buy a sofa at this sofa store. (On this occasion, I'm not being cussed by not mentioning the company - I really can't tell remember what company it is, which probably is best for them.)

You wonder why Kroeger - a man who apparently made £34million from touring in 06/07 - happily allowed the advert to be made, almost as much as the company who chose to make the advert. It's like seeing the word "misbegotten" mimed out for you by the 2006 Charades World Championship winner. Are they that hard up for a few quid?

Duffy not 'Boyo's girl

Duffy has, for some reason, felt the need to clarify that she's not Tom Jones' daughter, as some Americans have apparently started thinking there's a connection.

(In other words, hearing she's Welsh, they've assumed she's related to the only other Welsh person they can think of.)

Oddly, Duffy has yet to react in any way to the equally fallacious belief that she's in some way a spiritual heir of Dusty Springfield.

Dell break laptops to please the RIAA, claims blog

Interesting post over on Ripten, where Chad Lakkis was surprised to discover his audio malfunctioning on his Dell laptop - only to discover that Dell had disabled the "stereo mix function", apparently at the behest of the RIAA.

Even more surpisingly: although this was a functionality Dell disabled lest it fall into the wrong hands, some of their customers were told they could have it restored for $99.

So: Dell breaks your laptop because it's too powerful for anyone to have the audio function working, but will then charge you to return it to the sort of usable state you'd expect to have had it when you bought it. Presumably they pocket the hundred dollar bill, look round shiftily and say 'I ain't been 'ere, right...'

There is also a free fix, it should be said, available through the Dell website; a "Dell Community Ambassador" posted a link in the comments section of the Ripten piece. A direct link. To an .exe file. Who wouldn't click that, eh?

Cop in hospital

Victor Willis, who was the policeman in the Village People (and also "the one who wasn't) has put his tour on hold as his vocal cords are suffering from nodules:

He developed hoarsness after several 2007 performances, forcing him to cancel European and Canadian concert dates this year.

That would be police hoarsness, then.

Sorry.

Same old Faces

It's all Led Zeppelin's fault, isn't it? We're now staring a Faces reunion in the, erm, face.

And, yes, it's a full one - which means a new album, with new songs.

Gordon in the morning: Suddenly, baseball players are interesting

Does Gordon believe that Madonna is going to get divorced or not? Surely, what with his position as the the Prime Minister of Showbiz, we should expect him to at least know what he believes - but one minute he's running denials of divorce, the next copying the details of the Alex Rodriguez denupitalising from the New York Post as some sort of evidence to the contrary.

It's fine if you don't have a clue, Gordon, but at least be honest about it.

Instead, we get lumbered with Smart trying to sound like he understands baseball and kabbalah:

She strongly denies an affair with A-Rod, America’s highest-paid baseball idol.

Madonna, 49, said in a statement: “I know Alex Rodriguez through Guy Oseary, who manages both of us.

“I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study.”

And, to be fair to Madonna, she wasn't named in court papers - her name has been floated by one of the soon-to-be-Mrs-Rod's lawyers:

Earle Lilly, another of Cynthia’s lawyers, claimed A-Rod and Madonna “are still together” – although last night the singer was with husband GUY RITCHIE in New York.

Mr Lilly said A-Rod was smitten with Madonna, but added: “The correct analysis is a relationship.

“Some people categorise an affair as sexual infidelity. We’re not claiming that – it’s an affair of the heart.”

So Madonna not named in divorce proceedings and accused of not having sex with a man not her husband. Hold the, um... well, Bizarre page.

If trying to unpick a baseball kabbalahic divorce is tricky for Gordon, his team are also having to struggle with science, as well, with the claims that Amy Winehouse is using tanning tables to an extent that "pals" are worried. Pete Samson is left to deal with the... well, lets call it a story to be kind, shall we?:

Pals are worried because the pasty star spends more than an hour a day absorbing its rays in a desperate attempt to get back to brown

And the problem with that, Pete?

Rehab singer Amy, 24, even dozes off under the ultraviolet lamps, which release the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight.

Let's just look at that again, shall we?

the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight.

Yes, it's bad for you and, yes, nobody should fall asleep on a sunbed. But given her lifestyle, this risk from "the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight" seems an odd thing to be worrying about right now. Even if it's true.

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet

Or, this time, some stuff to look at: Passive Agressive Notes collates the top five notes in record stores. Including the one seen in the door of a shuttered Fopp.

Lucky that my demands are small and humble, so you don't mistake them for Madonna's

The second slightly-less-high-profile 360 degree tours-and-records deal for LiveNation: Shakira has thrown her lot in with them for the next ten years.

Indieobit: Noel Sayre

Noel Sayre, the violinist with The Black Swans and Pretty Mighty Mighty has died in a swimming accident.

The 37 year-old also had an impressive classical cv, having played with the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra and the Portsmouth Symphony Orchestra, but it was in the folkier end of indie where he really made his presence felt. Pretty Mighty Mighty toured extensively during the early 90s; in 1994, he and Jerry DeCicca formed The Black Swans, debuting just as the year ended, as DeCicca remembers:

Noel and I began playing music together on New Years Eve of 1995, opening a show for the Yips and the Bassholes at Bernies Bagels in Columbus, Ohio. We split $100 for that gig, and so began a partnership that quickly became a strong and lasting friendship that the Black Swans based themselves upon.

We were always more Heckle & Jeckle and Penn & Teller than Simon & Garfunkel, as we shared an idea about music as art, posing as entertainment, that we explored over hundreds of gigs and several recordings. Musically, I always stood in Noel’s shadow and Noel always felt he was my shadow. We spoke in code, a short-hand, that sometimes alienated others and sometimes amused them. We were kindred spirits in many way and couldn’t be more different in others. He was quiet and articulate, rowdy and beyond shy, hyper intelligent and incredibly dense.

A memorial service has been organised for July 12th.

Back-projecting Britney

Who would dare suggest that Madonna has started to hit the bottom of barrel for ideas? Not us, that's for sure, as she films a bit of video featuring Britney Spears to plug some of the creative gaps in the forthcoming world tour. Maybe she might go real crazy and pretend to be a lesbian with her or something - can you imagine?

10 - 9 - 8 - 7 oh, bugger it, 1

So, at the end of the countdown, at the end of the Zane Lowe show, it boils down to this:



That's Mercury, the new single from Bloc Party. Official video and everything.

Zoo shambles

Another festival disaster: Zoo8 seems to have been something of a nightmare with half the bands not showing, and the venue (a zoo, of course) having to dig deep into their own pockets to see that Ash would play when the promoters didn't look able to guarantee the payment.

Which means, in effect, that the penguins and tigers of Port Lympne were subsidising a music festival.

Even with Ash secured, no-shows and overflows left fans less-than-thrilled:

Fan David Haskoll said there were four toilets and no taps in the campsite, while the toilets in the main arena were "full to overflowing".

Julia Bray, whose daughter was at the event, wrote on a Facebook page: "Hours of queuing, campsite dreadful, bands didn't show up or moved stages, staff very rude or unhelpful."

Another fan, Rachel Collings, wrote: "Badly organised, badly informed. Worst fest ever!"

Hey - Woodstock II would take issue with that.

Funnily enough, though - presumably following the Eavis playbook - those charged with overseeing the event report a wonderful time had by all:

A spokeswoman for the park said: "As with all music festivals, there were some hiccups.

"This being the first Zoo8 at the park, there were bound to be some problems but they were all resolved quickly and efficiently, mainly by our own staff who stepped in to sort things out.

"According to St John Ambulance, Health and Safety, the licensing office, environmental health and the police, they were all happy."

Then again, none of those fine organisations would be expected to factor in the non-appearance of Dizzee Rascal, Athlete, The Rascals or Wiley.

Andre and on it goes...

Last week, Peter Andre and Jordan won a payment from the News of the World after the paper ran stories sourced from their former nanny Rebecca Gauld which were untrue.

Today, Ofcom has upheld a complaint from Rebecca Gauld that Peter and Jordan's Katie and Peter: The Baby Diaries, on ITV2, unfairly invaded her privacy - in ways which included broadcasting a piece of paper with Gauld's phone number visible upon it.

And round, and round, and round, we dance...

More Gcap blundering

Hot on the heels of the corrupt quiz phone-in, this week Ofcom has ruled on another breach of its code, this time by Jason Donovan.

Yes, Jason Donovan, who told listeners to 37 radio stations during his networked programme that:

“It’s time for a change. It’s definitely time for a change. Boris Johnson. I have to say it. That’s my political message…”

Before even considering the political message, surely it's worth taking a moment to see, once again, the idiocy of networking local radio programmes. Apart from listeners to the London stations - and maybe some bordering the M25 - who else tunes in to their local service to hear an Australian talking about an election they can't vote in?

Ofcom have let the network off with a stiff telling off - James Whale, canned from TalkSport for exactly the same offence, might view that as a somewhat slight consequence.

What's puzzling us, though, is surely this sort of thing falls under the Representation of the People Act as well? Is Jason doubly lucky that he's not heard from the police on this one?

And why does it seem only Boris supporters feel the need to hijack the airwaves for unofficial party election messages?

Zapped: Another festival falls

Zapfest, planned for Oxford this coming weekend, has been cancelled:

"Due to unforeseen circumstances Zapfest has had to be cancelled. Over much deliberation we have come to this decision. This is a decision that has not come lightly as we have spent over a year organising the event and have invested a lot of time and money into it. Most of all it is something that we really believed in and wanted it to work. There are a few factors that have forced us to cancel which we can't go into detail about. We can only apologies for any inconvenience that has been caused to you all. Please return your ticket ticket to the place of purchase for all full refund."

It's a little odd to cancel with just some vague words about 'things we can't tell you about' - shouldn't they have at least made up a beautiful lie about gravity being broken in Oxford that weekend?

Noel Gallagher: You couldn't give away an Oasis album

Radiohead, eh? Giving their albums away for nothing? You wouldn't catch Noel Gallagher doing that:

“I wouldn’t have thought so. That’s not our bag,” he told the BBC.

“I didn’t spend a year in the most expensive studio in England, with the most expensive producer in America, and the most expensive graphic designer in London to then give it away. Fuck that.”

You'll note he sees the input into his album as an expensive producer, an expensive studio and an expensive designer, rather than, say, the best musicians or months and months of careful crafting of music and diligent rehearsing.

You might also note that he views creativity as something that can be measured by price rather than quality.

And, given that he has more money than he could possibly have a clue how to spend, why does he need to squeeze every red cent from those who have supported him in a retrograde march down the blind alley he has chosen?

What, exactly, is your "bag", Mr. Noel? Bag... bag... bag...

That would have annoyed Noel Gallagher

The lukewarm headline line-up at this year's Glastonbury is now partly explained: they'd nearly landed a Blur reunion, an event which would have pushed any of the top-card names down the league ladder a slot.

Alex James say so:

"Blur very nearly played Glastonbury this year. There was a pang of regret when I heard Damon [Albarn]'s mum had nixed it at the 11th hour.

"I was looking forward to showing off to [his wife] Claire and the kids, but I suppose the important thing was to have been asked, and listening to all that screaming I felt pleased about how things had turned out.”

This, we suspect, explains the Kings Of Leon if nothing else.

Projects that almost certainly will never see the light of day, number 479

Are Alice Cooper and the Mighty Boosh writing a musical together?

The NME says yes, they might be:

"I absolutely love Alice Cooper," Fielding is quoted as saying. "I wonder is he has ever considered writing an acid rock gothic musical. If we did one, would he co-star?"

And then Cooper delivers a "yes, that would be fun, wouldn't it?" style non-committal quote, which seems to be enough to convince everyone it's going to happen. Although who will be underwriting the costs isn't, exactly, clear.

Mind you, we'd love to see John Barrowman and Andrew Lloyd Webber judging the castings on Saturday night TV.

Bloc-headed?

So, that big countdown on the Bloc Party website was leading up to... the announcement of an appearance on tonight's Zane Lowe show.

The NME reports that people are upset:

Fans have e-mailed NME.COM to voice their displeasure at the stunt. It was speculated that Bloc Party may give away new music when the countdown reached zero.

And where might they have got this idea? Stories like NME.com's "Bloc Party to release new music tomorrow?", by any chance?

Darkness at 3AM: The 180-turnaround-headline

Our eye was caught by the 3AM headline on a story about Adele:

I wanted to be a sex symbol

Really? Isn't that the total opposite of what Adele has always said?

Well, yes. It's actually the total opposite of what Adele was saying in the quote underneath:

"I didn't do this because I wanted to be a sex symbol," she says. "I want to be a role model and I want to be an artist for people to refer to in 60 years for making a great album. I'll never sell out."

Still, even if you won't sell out, the Mirror will helpfully twist it sound like you have.

Can someone give Kelly Osbourne Hans Moretti's phone number?

For reasons we can't quite fathom - and we've tried, believe me - Fox is preparing a variety show hosted by The Osbournes.

Yes, the whole gang is on board:

Mr. Osbourne, wife Sharon and offspring Jack and Kelly all will participate in the show, which will resemble modern-day European variety shows that mix elements of competition, stunts and performances. One person familiar with the pitch compared it to a combination of the popular Spanish-language series "Sabado Gigante," "Saturday Night Takeaway" and the German game-show format "Wetten, dass?" (Wanna Bet?).

[Fox's Mike] Darnell said he had been trying to find a way to revive the variety format for several years. He even developed a U.S. version of "Saturday Night Takeaway."

"But I always veered away from it because it was missing something, which turned out to be the right front people," he said. "I realized that with the right hosts, you can make it work."

We're guessing that Darnell somehow missed Sharon's chat shows on both sides of the Atlantic and what happened when Team Osbourne attempted to present the Brits; either that, or his faith in Ozzy being the sort of "right host" that can "make it work" is so touching as to veer into the downright religious.

It all smacks a little of that segment on the Simpsons' pilot show where the family turn up in dungarees doing a song-and-dance show, with a replacement Lisa. Or a cruel parody of Hear'Say It's Saturday.

Gordon in the morning: And this is your Blake on drugs

Interesting photos of Mr Winehouse doing heroin in Pentonville on Gordon's pages this morning. Ironic that, as David Blakey prepares his report on drugs in UK prisons, Amy's Blakey proves his point.

The wider question, though, is where Gordon is getting his photos from - are they coming from a prisoner with a mobile phone? Is Gordon paying for these snaps? And what would a prisoner be doing with a mobile phone in the first place? If the pictures aren't from a prisoner, then they'd have to be from staff. Either way, Smart is encouraging rule-breaking himself by running the photos - and, since there's no real public interest in seeing photos of Blake Fielder-Civil on his prison toilet - it's not clear why he thinks we should be encouraging people to be running round inside prisons with mobiles.

More at his level, there's an alarming photo of Smart looming out of a frame with Lionel Blair, illustrating a story suggesting that Smart couldn't actually think of a reason for printing it:

Lionel Blair hadn’t a clue

Really? The story is that Blair turned up for a wedding at the Dorchester while the Kaisers and Oasis were being drunk. Not clear that means he "didn't have a clue", unless it's now incumbent upon us all to know the whereabouts of Gallagher and Wilson at all times.

As I frogmarch him into The Dorchester, Noel and Ricky chant: “Lionel, give us a clue! Lionel, Lionel give us a clue!”

Yes, for some reason, Gordon felt the need to "frogmarch" a man into an event he'd been invited to. It doesn't strike us that Lionel is the one lacking a clue.

Can't we all be a little more like Abba?

In an age when the only reason bands don't reunite is either because they're all dead, or haven't yet split up, let's salute Abba for staying down:

Bjorn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson told The Sunday Telegraph there was "simply no motivation to regroup".

"We would like people to remember us as we were, young, exuberant and full of ambition," Ulvaeus told the newspaper.

Of course, there's always the Lydon option, of pretending to still be young, exuberant and full of ambition.

Counting backwards

Bloc Party are counting backwards on their website, heading back to 11am tomorrow morning.

Could it be a surprise performance? A cunning announcement? Or has Kele just found a great way to remember a dental appointment?

That's going to hurt

ContactMusic pick up on Jay-Z's meeting with Gordon Smart - or, probably, Smart brought it to their attention - but, oh, at a cost:

Showbiz reporter Gordon Smart agreed with Noel Gallagher about Jay-Z not being "right" as a Glastonbury headliner in the paper.

Showbiz reporter? Are the not aware that Gordon Smart isn't some tuppenny ha'penny reporter, but an editor and the Prime Minister of Showbiz, actually. Where's the respect?

Mike Read returns

An email from James Page, which deserves to be shared in full:

I'm at a loss to describe what I've just seen... I was channel-hopping this evening when I stumbled across 'Red TV' (Sky 186), one of those channels whose main purpose seems to be to rebroadcast the 'Psychic Interactive' feed and 'Crown Court' repeats. But it gets better. At around 6pm every Saturday on Red TV, you can enjoy 'Mike Read's Pop Quiz'.

Sadly, this is not a genius bit of nostalgia scheduling, repeating old episodes of a classic show in its original timeslot, like 'Vault TV' did with The Chart Show. Oh no. Mike Read has actually come back and remade 'Mike Read's Pop Quiz'. And it's genuinely jaw-dropping TV.

Gone are the celebrity guests like Meatloaf and One Of Kane Gang. Gone are the big sets and funky production techniques. In comes a quaint little pub quiz with two teams of ordinary people (complete with comedy pub-quiz team-names), staged in an all-purpose studio which looks like how I imagine those karaoke booths which let you record your own CD, only with the sound quality of a dictaphone. Read himself sits in front of a small flat-screen TV which displays a Powerpoint demonstration of each question, and both teams of three perch behind tiny desks just about big enough for one. Awkward witty banter abounds.

Really, you have to see it to believe it. Please set yourself a reminder to watch next Saturday's episode. You will not be disappointed (by which I mean you *will* be disappointed, but won't be disappointed by failing to be disappointed). It's so completely strange to see a once-huge TV show brought back in such Tesco-Value style. It's startlingly reminiscent of the time Alan Partridge tried to recreate his chat-show in the travel tavern.

Sadly the set isn't constructed by Read himself from assorted chocolate products.

Presumably they'd use the old Mike Read Pop Quiz board game, only he was made promises about storage that he was let down by...

Talking of Pop Quiz - and bless you, James, for giving us an excuse to bring this to the table - OddBob0 has posted this to YouTube: footage of him playing, well, Mike Read's Pop Quiz - the ZX Spectrum version [Possibly more fun to listen to with the sound off, to be honest]:



We're trying to work out who the faces you can choose for your team are - Marilyn, certainly; is that Hank Marvin or Pete Waterman with the glasses?

Oh, no: it's Lowe

Daisy Spam - daughter of Pearl from Powder and im out of Supergrass - is plotting to record a song with her boyfriend Mark Ronson, which comes as something of a surprise. Wasn't modeling meant to be the job you went into precisely because you didn't have the skills to do something creative?

Still, I suppose it's lucky she's dating a producer. If she was going out with a biologist, she'd probably get it into her head to create her own range of viruses.

Girls Aloud solo story shocking

The Sunday 'Yes, it is still going, actually' People splashes an eye-catching headline:

SARAH'S GOING SOLO
Girls Aloud star's shock decision

But it's as hollow as a Tennant regeneration - she's going solo as in, erm, going away on holiday.

Sunday People readers would feel cheated, were they not Sunday People readers and presumably having low expectations in the first place.

Rav Singh moves on from Madonna marriage

You can't keep a failed marriage going once it's broken, and, as Rav Singh knows only too well, it's equally true that you can't keep a failed marriage story going once it's broken elsewhere.

So, after weeks of banging away at Madonna break-up tales, he's reluctantly moving on - Find <Madonna> - replace <Mariah Carey>.
Although this bit is unique:

Nick, 27, even had ‘Mariah' tattooed across his shoulders. My source added: "That's a problem."

He could perhaps try dating a woman called Maria and see if they can turn the final 'H' into a kitten or something?

This week just gone

Over the last month, these people have been the most-searched for by users hoping to find naked photos:

1. Lily Allen
2. McFly
3. Avril Lavigne
4. Heather Mills
5. Beth Ditto
6. Nelly Furtardo
7. James Blunt
8. Lauren Laverne
9. Wayne Rooney (really)
10. Brody Dalle

At the far end, there's just been one search each for Kate Jackson, The Datsuns and Kirstie Allsopp.

These were new releases and such:


My Bloody Valentine - Box Set


Dirty Pretty Things - Romance At Short Notice


Tuung - This Is Tuung


The Ascent Of Everest - How Lonely Sits The City


Tricky - Knowle West Boy


Seth Lakeman - Poor Man's Heaven


David Bowie - Live In Santa Monica 72


Toyah - Good Morning Universe


Paul Heaton - Mermaids And Slaves


Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit My father liked to watch the wrestling, my mother liked to wrestle...