Fa loves Papa Don't Preach: Madonna's dolphin house only a glint in an architect's eye

It would have been easy to believe that Madonna might own a house in Dubai, one which had dolphins in a tank swimming by the living room.

It sounds like the sort of thing that someone with too much money and a sometimes questionable ethical approach might do. And there was a celebrity architect, too, happily sharing the details:

The news came to the fore, when a profile of celebrity architect Joaquín Torres, revealed the plan and a rendering of Madonna’s new Dubai pad, complete with a dolphinarium in her living room.

Torres is best known to have designed the homes of high profile sporting stars, including Cristiano Ronaldo, Zinedine Zidane and a majority of the Real Madrid team; also, let’s not forget styling the plush villa for Hollywood’s golden couple Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem.

Making it worse, the first of Madonna's acolytes who made it to the internet launched a defence which was based on the dolphins being shared with neighbours.

Eventually, the story started to fall apart:

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton carried a statement by the Grammy winner’s rep, which simply said: “Despite reports to the contrary, Madonna does not own a home in Dubai with dolphins.”

Of course, this is actually denying that Madonna and some dolphins co-own a home in Dubai, something which yet hadn't even been suggested.

Torres then made things worse, by taking to Twitter to talk more about the house. And the dolphins. Oh, those beautiful, beautiful dolphins:

When Twitter user Julian posed the question to Torres, whether he has built a home with a ‘dolphin area included’, the architect did not deny this.
He replied: “Yes, we did.”

When Stephanie Wireman asked whether the dolphins were captive or free, Torres simply stated: “Captive.”

Of course they'd be captive. You can't have dolphins wandering round the house, sticking their salty flippers into the cookie jar and constantly putting the water polo on the television.

But Twitter decided to push this point.

However, when Shona Polona asked him whether the house has been physically constructed, Torres further explained: “No, it has not been built. It is just a project.”

He later added to a similar query: “This is just a concept. I am not the developer I am just the designer.”

So that's "yes we did build a home with dolphins trapped in it, if by build you mean 'draw a picture of a house with some dolphins looking through a window".

It is of course ridiculous to think that Madonna would share her home with dolphins. They'd be ripped to shreds by the three Siberian tigers she keeps in her shed.

Listen with No Rock: Slum Of Legs

An email arrives, suggesting I might want to listen to a thing. That happens a lot, but the thing is a cassette/digital album from Brighton. And they describe themselves like this:

I never know how to describe ourselves other than pop-noise and we love the Velvet Underground. The tape is super lo-fi and was recorded on 4 track over an old Jim Reeves cassette by Tom House from Charlottefield.

Obviously, recording over Jim Reeves will add the sound of distant drums to your final mix.

It all ended up sounding like this:

You don't have to go with the tape version, but you should at least make sure you buy the demo in some format, because it will improve your life. Guaranteed.

Slum Of Legs. A buzzy, fuzzy wake-up sound. Yesyesyes.

Vivian Girls to play two more shows, stop

Oh, bugger, no:

Brooklyn, New York, March 2007: we started making music together and became what we know as Vivian Girls. It's been a long and crazy journey in the seven years since, and we feel as though the time has finally come to let our band rest in peace. It's been an experience that we'll look back on and cherish and we'd like to thank you for sharing it with us. We have had such an amazing time being a band, touring the world, releasing records and meeting all of you.

We've booked some ALL AGES shows as a goodbye. The first will be on February 14th at The Church on York in LA. The second will be on March 1st at Death by Audio in Brooklyn.

This is the sort of thing that this means the end of:

And this:

And this:

Good night, and good luck, Vivian Girls.

Bookmarks: Kathleen Hanna

You might have enjoyed Everett True's interview with Kathleen Hanna in the Guardian last week; today he's posted the original transcript to Collapse Board:

When I was 13 me and my best friend Angela Cheever were out on a Friday night, hanging out at video arcades, playing Ms. Pac Man, flirting with boys from our school etc…While walking from this place called ‘Pins and Cues’ to ‘Jerry’s Sub Shop’ I noticed a man was following us. We were near the road but there were no cars and when I told Angie about the man we both started walking really fast and so did he, and then we ran and he started chasing us. Nothing was open but we saw a light on at a funeral home so we ran up the stairs and started pounding on the doors screaming. No one came, but the guy freaked out and backed off. I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened if we didn’t run and he would’ve caught up with us.

From puberty on, I felt like me and my friends were always running. From abusive Dads, men on the streets, or even running away from mean things people would say to us that got stuck in our heads. But running meant we thought we were worth saving. That’s why the record is called Run Fast.

Beats gets going

Overpriced headphone manufacturer Beats has taken a step closer to launching its streaming music service, with an app going live in the Apple app store:

The service, which goes up against the likes of Spotify, Rdio, Pandora and iTunes Radio — as well as Mega CEO Kim Dotcom‘s new music streaming service Baboom – will cost $9.99 per month for unlimited streaming from its catalog of more than 20 million songs.

Besides the ability for journalists to mention Dr Dre in articles about the service, it's not entirely clear what Beats believes makes it different from other streaming services.

The company's business models so far has been to encourage conspicuous consumption - people pay over the odds for oversized headphones so they can wear them on the tube or bus. It's not obvious how this will work for streams of music.

Communists finally accept Lady GaGa

If you needed more evidence that Lady GaGa's early edge has long since been lost, she's being allowed back into China. CNN reports:

[I]n China, the pop diva's songs had been on a blacklist since 2011, when the Culture Ministry deemed her work to be "creating confusion in the order of the online music market, and damaging the nation's cultural security."
[...]
Lady Gaga last week responded with enthusiasm to the lifting of the ban on her Twitter feed.
"China has been given the go ahead singer I'm so excited!!!! The Chinese Government approved 'ARTPOP' to be released in China with all 15 songs! Next I hope I can come to perform!," she said on her Twitter account.

It's bittersweet, isn't it? On one hand, you're getting access again to a massive market. On the other hand, nothing says 'mostly harmless' like an endorsement from Politburo.

Rockobit: Fergie Frederiksen

Fergie Frederiksen, singer with a number of bands, has died.

His greatest claim to fame was his period as singer with Toto - during the Isolation era - but he also fronted Trillion, LeRoux and World Classic Rockers. He also had a brief solo career under the surprising name David London.

His spell with Toto came to end due to not-very-eumphemistically-described "substance issues"; peace was made in 2007 when he was invited to join the band onstage to rattle through Africa.

Fergie Frederiksen was 62; he'd had lung cancer.

Liam Payne sends tweet praising gay-hostile clan; seems surprised at outcome

Liam Payne out of One Direction sent a cheery tweet to Duck Dynasty on Saturday:

@williebosshog huge love to you/your family huge respect for your business prosperities and the family values you still all behold. big fan

— Liam Payne (@Real_Liam_Payne) January 18, 2014

This is one of those innocent looking tweets which falls firmly into the ill-advised part of the behaviour spectrum, what with Phil Robertson out of Duck Dynasty having shared his views on homosexuality a few weeks back:

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men," Robertson said before paraphrasing a Bible verse. "Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

So, is Liam endorsing this homophobic bullshit?

Of course not, or at least the tweet doesn't have any evidence of that. Bless him, he's not likely to be appearing on Celebrity Mastermind any time soon, and it's probable that he was just sending a friendly tweet to another unfathomably popular person who had their faces on Christmas wrapping paper this year.

No, really:

However, even Liam must have spotted all the "proud to be a redneck" guff and might have wanted to think twice before praising a group who not only don't believe in evolution but appear to be trying their hardest to reverse it.

But what's done is done, and since Liam can't take the warm greeting back, all he needs to do is explain what he was thinking.

So, Liam. You're a fan of Duck Dynasty. They're a bit homophobic, and some parts of the internet believe that you're endorsing their views.

"Oh my god can someone literally not be a fan if a show without bring labeled WTf I bought dinner the other day it made a news story.

It's unquestionably true that, as part of those piles of money you keep getting, there's an almost intolerable level of interest in your doings.

You might think that if you go out and buy a burrito and that gets picked over, that'd make you think carefully about saying 'you know what I like? That show where everyone threatened to pull out if the network suspended the guy who said that being gay was like fucking animals', so I'm not sure pretending to be Vicky Pollard here is going to help.

"What I gotta do to please you bastards I'm a 20 year old just living life as you did when u where twenty but in extraordinary circumstances.

Yeah. Quite a lot of people who are twenty are quite a way through their degree, Liam. If you were thirteen, or eight, "I am so young" could be fair enough. But twenty years old?

"I can't do anything without being judged u try that and write about it."

Again, if this was about the supper you chose the other night, you might have a fair point. But this is hugging a group who have trilled that black people were happier before the civil rights moment. I think it's the sort of thing you might expect observers to have a view about.

"Sick of all this bull il be back again when the freedom of speech law is back and people don't believe to much into the bulls*** they read."

Aaaaaah. Freedom of speech law. That'd be the law that you and Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty are free to say whatever they like, but nobody else has the right to call you on it.

There's not much indication he understands why people might want to ask him for clarification on his views.

There's not much evidence there was much thought at all.

Listen with No Rock: Dregs

Completely unaffiliated with the 1990s Liverpool punk fanzine of the same name, meet Dregs.

Actually, I say they're unaffiliated - I know nothing about them beyond their Bandcamp page - they're called Suzi / Georgina / Bryony / Kaila and are based in London. And this is their demo:

This week just gone

The most-read stories from this week:

1. Alfie Boe humiliates people in his audience
2. Alex James comes up with 'Britpop' gag
3. Miley Cyrus might force ratings onto pop videos
4. An Alfie Boe fan responds: it's all a bit of fun
5. Ricky Wilson was bored by the Kaiser Chiefs, too
6. NME Awards shortlist
7. CBC discovers Girlfriend In A Coma might not be a jolly song
8. What is the Gary Barlow Effect
9. HMV downsizing in progress
10. An opportunity to think about Rod Stewart having sex

The interesting releases this week:


Tackhead - For The Love Of Money

Download For The Love Of Money



September Girls - Cursing The Sea

Download Cursing The Sea



East India Youth - Total Strife Forever

Download Total Strife Forever

Madonna now very much the James Arthur of race relations

Hmm. So Madonna happily threw around the N-word on Instagram, and has got round to apologising. But, much as James Arthur tried to suggest his homophobic grunting wasn't bad because of how he did it, Madonna's apology tries to suggest that there's somehow a context in which it's all okay. NPR brings us up to speed:

On Friday night, the singer posted a picture of her 13-year-old son, Rocco, boxing and included the comment, "No one messes with Dirty Soap! Mama said knock you out!" She then added a variation of the N-word.

She quickly deleted the comment when outraged Instagram users berated her for the use of the word, and was initially defiant. But in a statement to The Associated Press on Saturday, a contrite Madonna said: "Forgive me."

"I am sorry if I offended anyone with my use of the N word on Instagram. It was not meant as a racial slur. I am not a racist. There's no way to defend the use of the word. It was all about intention," she said. "It was used as a term of endearment toward my son who is white. I appreciate that it's a provocative word and I apologize if it gave people the wrong impression."

Extra points, there, for saying that there's no way you can defend using the word, before going on to attempt to defend using the word.

But it's okay, see, because her son is white. That's so alright, then, yeah?

Triple J killing Australian music, or possibly reflecting moribund music scene

There's a battle going on in Australia between Triple J, the "youth" radio station, and some other parts of the media.

It started last week when The Age "investigated" the station:

Triple J is [...] the most supportive of emerging Australian artists, with an average weekly reach of 1.8 million listeners across the country.

It's popular and supports emerging artists. That's a good thing, right?

Hang on a moment, though. The Age is published by a commercial media organisation, Fairfax. Triple J is part of the public broadcaster ABC. It is scientifically impossible for a commercial media organisation to look at a public broadcaster and report that things are going well.

For The Age, then, Triple J has a 'sound'. New bands form, and either through a shrewd desire to please the station, or else from having absorbed this sound growing up, the bands all mould to fit that sound.

Meanwhile, because it's good at what it does, the station's popularity is growing, and thus its taste becomes the dominant taste in the marketplace:

The Basics’ Kris Schroeder says: ‘‘Basically if you put it in a metaphor of the stockmarket, Triple J is the insider that says ‘Buy these shares’ and everybody rushes to buy them. There’s stuff that just falls by the wayside consequentially. It’s about alternatives and there aren’t many alternatives in this business because most people prefer to be followers rather than leaders.

‘‘It’s just a shame that the industry is so obsessed with the decisions that a couple of people [at Triple J] make,’’ he says.

‘‘Maybe if the industry wasn’t so f---ing lazy and so narrow-minded ... the industry itself needs a shake-up.’’

Oddly, although The Age ends on that suggestion that the problem is that music is lazy, the headline still focuses on the idea that the problem is the station, not the culture in which it operates.

In its fightback, Triple J is quick to blame the artists:

Station Manager Chris[Station Manager Chris] “We’d much prefer bands to go out and find their own style. There are so many exciting new artists out there at the moment, doing their own thing and making something quite unique, it’s really exciting. We’re never looking for one particular sound, we’re looking for songs that stand out and resonate with our audience. Basically we’re looking for good music, as shown by the range of artists and styles currently played on triple j.”

Yes, that's a radio station doing the 'we just play what we play and if anyone else likes it it's a bonus' line.

It's hard to know where the truth sits, although experience suggests it will probably be closer to the side that isn't a massive media conglomerate.

Triple J is growing an audience in a competitive market, and while that could purely be down to the muscle of a national broadcaster, it seems unlikely that if the audience didn't want the bands they'd turn up in such large numbers. And "the state broadcaster is supporting dozens and dozens of new artists" is an odd complaint.

Even if Triple J closed tomorrow, there'd still be some dominant force where the audience would gather. Surely?

Twittergem: HMV

HMV downsizing in progress:

HMV, 150 Oxford Street: pic.twitter.com/2fgi6vpyJ2

— krs (@conroy_bumpus) January 17, 2014

Alfie Boe is a bit of an asshat

Okay, it's a pain when people go to a gig, don't switch their phones off, and they ring during the event.

But should the price for this should be public humiliation?:

The singer told the newspaper he was halfway through a concert in Cardiff when he heard a “loud ringing noise and spotted a woman trying to switch of her phone”.

So I walked down into the audience, made my way along her row, and introduced myself,” he said. “I asked if I could have a look at her phone and pressed the redial button. It started buzzing at the other end. Then someone picked up, and it was the woman’s mother.”

He added he had put the phone onto its loudspeaker, asking the audience to shout out his name to convince her he was mid-concert.

Apparently Boe does this a lot.

I think we're meant to be applauding his actions.

But hang on a moment.

Fair enough, this woman made a mistake, but even as Boe tells the story, she was always embarrassed and trying to switch the phone off when he did his little stunt. And he knows nothing about the context - maybe the mother was lying on the floor with a broken hip, or ringing because she was babysitting and the child had swallowed a gallon of bleach.

Boe made the disclosure in an interview with the Yorkshire Post, saying: “The lady with the phone was so incredibly embarrassed that I don’t think she’ll ever take a phone to a concert again.”

Or possibly, thanks to you giving her an public dressing down for having forgotten to switch the phone to silent, she might now suffer from crippling social anxiety and never go to an event again.

Boe's manager is keen to stress it's all a bit fun:

“People think he’s really angry and go bright red with real embarrassment, but it’s just his sense of humour. He always gets a massive round of applause for doing it and gives it back with a hug.”

He added: “I think people forget to turn their mobiles off, and then when it rings they can never find it in time to answer it or switch it off and get brighter and brighter red.”

I imagine some people might take it on the chin, but for other people, suddenly being treated this way in front of 10,000 people might not be such big yuks.

Maybe if someone answers the phone, it's a proportionate response. But for forgetting silent? Seems a bit much.

Secretly depressing

CBC have created a YouTube playlist of secretly depressing songs.

Songs that, as you're dancing to them, you suddenly realise have crushing lyrics.

It's not a bad list, but somewhat oddly, they include Girlfriend In A Coma.

Secretly depressing? It's a Smiths song for a start, which surely means if you'd never heard it you'd swallow hard before pressing play.

More importantly, it's called Girlfriend In A Coma. Surely nobody playing a song called Girlfriend In A Coma is going to be surprised it doesn't turn out to be a partner piece to If You're Happy And You Know It?

We have yet to reach the bottom of the musical barrel

There are still terrible, terrible ideas for musicals left to be discovered.

Here's the latest:

Country music songwriters Brandy Clark and Shane Mcanally are developing a new musical based on American variety show Hee Haw.

Yes. A sketch-and-tunes TV programme is being adapted into a musical. How, exactly?

Clark and MCAnally are the composers for the musical, which is about a "wily sexpot from (Hee Haw's fictional rural town) Kornfield Kounty" who wants to explore the world before walking down the aisle with her boyfriend.

A wily sexpot, eh? There must have been a lot of thought poured into developing that well-rounded character.

If this sounds terrible, the real fear is that it might be a success. And if 'musical based on variety TV' becomes a thing, we're only two years away from Seaside Special: The Musical.

Be afraid people. Be afraid.

The Bieber "crime" is investigated

The puzzling question about the egging of Justin Bieber's house is what the hell were the police searching Justin's house for?

"We were looking at things that would put him or anything else at the scene," [Sheriff's Lt. David] Thompson said, adding that Bieber's attorneys were not present during the search and the singer was not questioned.

The next door neighbour's house was hit with eggs. What were the police doing? Looking in the fridge?

Turns out they did find something, though:

A police search of teen pop star Justin Bieber's California home on Tuesday in a vandalism case linked to the singer resulted in the arrest of a man after drugs were found in the house, the Los Angeles County Sheriff said.

The police justify the search because the egging caused - it's claimed - over USD20,000 worth of damage.

How many bloody eggs were thrown? Or were they ostrich eggs or something?

Thompson said the cost of damages was high because the exterior of Bieber's neighbor's home was made of imported wood and brick.

That makes sense, assuming that non-American wood and brick disintegrates upon contact with albumen.

There is no way everyone involved is making way too much of this.

NME Awards 2014: The shortlist

This years NME awards are a bit of an oddity. Not so much the shortlisted bands - although the magazine's love for Lily Allen's Hard Out Here video is surprising - but the sponsorship:

Arctic Monkeys lead the nominations for the NME Awards 2014 with Austin, Texas, with a total of eight nominations split between the band and singer Alex Turner, including Best Album, Best Live Band and Best British Band.

The NME Awards 2014 with Austin, Texas. The awards are sponsored by a town in Texas.

Okay, it's a step forward from Lynx and weak lager and the other typical sponsors, and it's Austin rather than, oooh, Wichita Falls or Lubbock. But... is it just me, or is the phrase "the NME Awards with Austin Texas" really bizarre?

How bad are these nominations? Paul McCartney is on the list for best solo artist. Paul McCartney. Who made an album last year which - even with uncharacteristic generosity from the NME - was only worth 7/10 when the magazine reviewed it.

Chvrches only get on nomination; Savages get three but one of those is for 'best blog or twitter'.

Here's the shortlist in full:

Best British Band
Arctic Monkeys
Biffy Clyro
Disclosure
Foals
Palma Violets
Two Door Cinema Club

Best International Band supported by Austin, Texas
Arcade Fire
Haim
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Phoenix
Vampire Weekend
Queens Of The Stone Age

Best Solo Artist
David Bowie
Jake Bugg
Kanye West
Lorde
Lily Allen
Paul McCartney

Best New Band supported by Mossimo
Chvrches
Courtney Barnett
Drenge
Jagwar Ma
Swim Deep
Wolf Alice

Best Live Band
Arctic Monkeys
Biffy Clyro
Haim
Palma Violets
Queens Of The Stone Age
Savages

Best Album
Arctic Monkeys – 'AM'
Drenge – 'Drenge'
Kanye West – 'Yeezus'
Peace – 'In Love'
QOTSA – '…Like Clockwork'
Savages – 'Silence Yourself'

Best Track supported by Blackstar Amplification
Arcade Fire – 'Reflektor'
Arctic Monkeys – 'Do I Wanna Know?'
Daft Punk – 'Get Lucky'
Disclosure – 'White Noise'
Lily Allen – 'Hard Out Here'
Primal Scream – '2013'

Best Music Video
Arcade Fire – 'Reflektor'
Arctic Monkeys – 'Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?'
Eagulls – 'Nerve Endings'
Haim – 'Falling'
Lily Allen – 'Hard Out Here'
Pharell – 'Happy'

Best Festival
Bestival
Glastonbury
Latitude
Reading & Leeds
T In The Park
V

Best TV Show
Breaking Bad
Doctor Who
Fresh Meat
Game Of Thrones
Misfits
Sherlock

Best Music Film
Good Vibrations
Made Of Stone
Muscle Shoals
Muse - Live At Rome Olympic Stadium
The National: Mistaken For Strangers
Sound City

Best Reissue
The Beta Band, 'The Regal Years: 1997–2004'
The Breeders, 'LSXX (Last Splash 20th Anniversary Edition)'
Bob Dylan, 'Bootleg Series, Vol. 10: Another Self Portrait (1969-1971)'
The Clash, 'Sound System'
Nirvana, 'In Utero: 20th Anniversary Edition'
The Velvet Underground, ‘White Light/White Heat 45th Anniversary Super Deluxe Edition’

Best Band Blog Or Twitter
Alana Haim, Haim
Albert Hammond Jr
Grimes
James Blunt
Jehnny Beth – Savages
Theo Hutchcraft, Hurts

Best Book
Alan McGee – 'Creation Stories'
Beck – 'Song Reader'
Bob Stanley – 'Yeah Yeah Yeah'
Mark Lewisohn – 'The Beatles – All These Years: Volume One: Tune In'
Morrissey – 'Autobiography'
Richard Hell – 'I Dreamed I Was A Very Clean Tramp'

Best Small Festival
Green Man
Festival Number 6
Kendall Calling
Rockness
Swn
Y Not

Best Fan Community
Arctic Monkeys
Hurts
Haim
Morrissey
Muse
Peace

Music Moment Of The Year
Arctic Monkeys headline Glastonbury
Kanye West brings Jesus on stage
Morrissey's autobiography is released
Noel and Damon come together for Teenage Cancer Trust
Pussy Riot are freed
Rolling Stones headline Glastonbury

Worst Band
30 Seconds To Mars
The 1975
Imagine Dragons
Muse
One Direction
The Wanted

Hero Of The Year
Alex Turner
David Bowie
Este Haim
Lou Reed
Pussy Riot
Russell Brand

Villain Of The Year
David Cameron
Harry Styles
Miley Cyrus
Robin Thicke
Russell Brand
Vladimir Putin

There's apparently something called "the Gary Barlow effect", which is leading people to wear more suits. According to the Telegraph.

Can the paper illustrate this 'Gary Barlow effect' by showing us pictures of men, usually more casually dressed, out and about on the town looking smarter than we're used to seeing?

Oh, hang about. Those might be two separate stories on the front page of today's paper. There isn't any suggestion that that is the Gary Barlow effect.

What is this effect, then?

"When you look at boy bands and television presenters, they all look smart. Look at Gary Barlow on New Year's Eve," Brian Brick, Moss Bros chief executive, said.

"Men are not just wearing suits for work, but going out in the evening. They are going out in a jacket and jeans. We have certainly benefited from that."

Men wearing jeans on nights out? There's a trend. Why haven't we heard more of this?

The trouble with this theory is that Brian Brick seems to be assume Gary Barlow is some sort of dangerous, wild rock figure who has embraced the suit as an act of counterintuitive rebellion.

More honestly, though, Gary Barlow is dressing like an accountancy firm's middle manager because that's kind of what he is, surely?

Two reasons to love Lorde

I think the most interesting thing about this report from kpopstarz is the way it's written to make it sound like Lorde's being in some way unreasonable:

Royals Singer Lorde maybe the first ever New Zealander to reach the top spot in the US Billboards, however her fame certainly does not get in her head, as the teen pop sensation reportedly does not want to be called a "teen hottie" nor her fans to be named as "disciples."
The 17-year old singer believes that "pun centric" nicknames for fans are undignified, think about Katy Perry's KatyCats or Lady Gaga's Little Monsters.

Or the way fans of The Wanted are called Wanters. I think it was "wanters" that people were shouting at them.

From her interview with New York Times via Skype, Lord made it clear that she is not a "teen hottie," saying: "The phrase 'teen hottie' literally makes me want to throw up."

It's not surprising it makes her want to hurl, given the phrase gives off decaying Humbert Humbert fumes.

Kanye West not happy at being on the money

It used to be that appearing on currency gave some sort of lasting fame - just ask Elizabeth Fry. Or the Queen.

Kanye West, though, isn't happy about his appearance on some sort of bitcoin. The Associated Press reports on a coming legal battle:

The lawsuit says the creators of the digital coins "brazenly admit" that they used West's name and likeness to associate their new currency with West because he is a trendsetter.

The lawsuit says entrepreneurs boasted that the currency can't be stopped whether it "looks like a dollar, a dog or a cartoon picture of a rapper." The virtual currency's creators are using a cartoon image of a coin featuring the rapper in large sunglasses.

It's not entirely clear why anyone would want to invest in coins named for Kanye anyway - after all, the value of the coins keeps falling whenever they're used to settle Kim Credit Cardashian bills.

Giles Peterson attempts a similie

"... you know, the sort where it tastes good but you have your doubts about how clean the kitchens are, and then one day you walk past and there's men in suits inside with clipboards and the next day it's closed and three weeks later you get a minicab and it's being driven by the bloke who used to own the place? One of those. That's me."

Tiffany: Let's go to the mall

Maybe she just wants to relive old times; maybe it's all a post-modern joke. Maybe you can't be fussy in this economy.

Whatever the reason, Tiffany is back where she started, doing free gigs in suburban shopping malls.

She's not quite alone now - the Dallas Observer says she managed to get a crowd of 200 - but it all seems a little strange.

Oh, good, a Dire Straits spin-off band

Here's some news to brighten the cold winter night, assuming your nights are easily brightened:

Dire Straits' Alan Clark and Chris White with five hand-picked, world class musicians - Terence Reis, Steve Ferrone from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Mickey Féat, Adam Phillips and Jamie Squire – are set to perform at venues in the United States starting in late February.

That's the keyboard player who joined after the Making Movies sessions, and the saxophonist who joined in 1985. So, yes, Dire Straits members unquestionably. But perhaps not the names you'd reach for first.

Obviously, they can't tour under the name Dire Straits, so they've dropped half the name.

They've gone with The Straits; that might not have been the half that's most honest to retain.

The headline on the PR blurb is kind of interesting, too:

DIRE STRAITS MEMBERS FORM 'THE STRAITS'
AND ANNOUNCE U.S. TOUR

The Straits played the Royal Albert Hall in 2011, so the "formation" not quite the breaking news the press release would suggest it is.

Alex James goes flat

Where were you on Monday, 19th December, 1994? The day Rolls Royce announced they would henceforward source their engines from BMW. The Whitewater investigations were started. More importantly, Thurman released the single Talk To Myself, thereby making this the last possible day that you could make a joke about calling a brand of fizzy drink "Britpop" and it still seeming - just, marginally - witty.

It's a joke that Alex James has just thought of, attempting to register Britpop as a trademark for pop made in Britain. Yes, in 2014.

The kindest interpretation is that James is attempting to use the patent office as a massive trolling device; sadly, the most likely explanation is that James thinks this is what a good idea sounds like.

Besides: it's Tizer, isn't it?

Yoghurt advert pulled after, but not because, Duran complained

So Yoplait were running an advert (presumably only in the US) which put Hungry Like The Wolf on the soundtrack.

Because, you see, if you were hungry like a wolf, a tiny little pot of fermented milk would fill you right up. Apparently.

Duran Duran were unhappy:

Many of you have written to us, voicing your dismay about the recent license of our song Hungry Like the Wolf, to a yoghurt commercial. Please know, Duran Duran do not support this usage of their music and unfortunately, this particular license was granted without any prior notification to any of us. Had we known, under no circumstances would we have backed it.

Thankfully, the ad has now been taken off the air and moving forward we hope to avoid any further situations like this.

Well, yes. The advert has been taken off the air, but not because of LeBon et al's objections. Slicing Up Eyeballs explains:

On the yogurt maker’s Facebook page, a number of people posted complaints in recent days about the use of “Hungry Like the Wolf” because of its connection to the Diane Downs murder case 30 years ago. In May 1983, Downs shot her three children in the back of her car in Springfield, Ore., killing one of them. “Hungry Like the Wolf” was playing on the car’s radio at the time.

Initially, Yoplait reps responded by defending the song’s use, writing:

“We chose the music because it’s a popular song that felt right for this ad. The Yoplait team has discussed this quite a bit and found that the large majority of people have only positive connections to this song, given that the Diane Downs incident was more than 30 years ago.”

By late this past week, though, Yoplait had changed its tune, saying the ad was being removed from the air:

“When we chose the song, we had no idea of its connection to this terrible event. We take your feedback seriously, and yes, we have decided to remove this ad from the air while we consider other versions. Please know that it may take a couple of days until the ad is fully removed. We’re again sorry that it’s upset you and promise there was no intention to cause such disappointment.”

Given the ad was pulled because someone killed their family while listening to the song, I'm not sure I'd have gone with the word "thankfully" if I'd been in Duran Duran. Mind you, if I'd worked for Yoplait I'm not entirely sure I'd have described the shooting of three children by their mother as an "incident", like it was the theft of a traffic cone.

Miley Cyrus may have a footnote in history

There's currently an interesting piece on Today about the BBFC, which includes the possibility that - for the first time - pop videos might come under the ratings board's duties; perhaps only when being sold. (Google and the BPI, meanwhile, are talking about ratings for YouTube pop videos.)

Miley Cyrus might prove to have been the naked-look straw which broke the camel's tolerant back.

Let's all think about Rod Stewart having sex

It's too late now. The thought is there.

Apparently, Penny Lancaster's been talking about how Rod does it:

The 'Do Ya Think I'm Sexy' rocker may be 68, but he's still got the right moves in bed to please his wife, Penny Lancaster, 42.

Yeah, ContactMusic quoting National Enquirer. Your cock doesn't fall over when you reach 57. Who knew?

Penny reportedly told a friend: ''Rod's voracious! I knew he was a ladies man, but he usually tires me out!''

Nobody has ever said anything like that to a friend ever. That's not how people talk about fucking when they're with their mates. And nobody, outside of letters to porn magazines which were made up anyway, talks like that, ever, at any time.

The source said: ''Rod wrote a song about Penny called 'She Makes Me Happy' and two or three times a month he'll have the nanny watch the boys so he can whisk her off for a romantic night out. Sometimes they'll just take a walk on the beach, but other times he'll treat her to a lovely dinner followed by a night of passion in a hotel.''

Once every ten-to-fifteen days isn't really voracious, is it? Also, at their age, having a slap-up dinner followed by slap-and-tickle is just going to end up with a fumbling for the Pepcid.

The source added reformed ladies' man Rod - who has eight kids with five women - can't believe his luck and would never even think of cheating on his beautiful wife.

Hang about, though; this is meant to be Penny's mate, isn't it? Did Penny really say "Rod would never dream of cheating on his beautiful wife i.e. me?"

Ricky Wilson stopped finding the Kaiser Chiefs interesting

It's hard to believe - by which I mean easy to believe - that anyone could get bored of being a Kaiser Chief, isn't it?

He recalled: ''Personally, a few years ago I got a little bit lazy and stopped taking as much interest in it [the band] as I should.

''I think my ambition meter got full and I thought I'd done everything, ticked all the boxes.

Yes, he did talk about ticking all the boxes, like he was being shown round a house by Kirstie and Phil and had spotted that there was a separate laundry room and an outhouse for a business he never quite explains.

You might wonder what made him suddenly interested in the band again. Or, you might assume that it was a realisation that I Predict A Riot had stopped being the go-to soundtrack song for any footage of boisterous behaviour on TV, and that gravy train was about to dry up. Or, you could pretend to be interested:

''Nick, my best pal and drummer left and I suddenly realised I didn't want to live without it [the band]. It gave me a kick up the a**e. I can't speak for the rest of the band but I think it gave us all the same kind of feeling.''

It sounds like Nick Hodgson was more bored with the band than Ricky was. Which suggests that Wilson couldn't even be wholehearted about being bored shitless.

This week just gone

Actually, it's an annual round-up, as the full year figures for 2013 are in...

These were the most-read stories published in 2013:

1. The curious case of the Telegraph piece that read like one from The Observer
2. Ronnie Biggs dies; maybe now music will stop being so impressed by him
3. Liveblog: Brits 2013
4. Liveblog: Eurovision 2013
5. iPad man becomes the most hated person at Glastonbury
6. Why did Robbie Williams fall out with Oasis?
7. Charlotte Church takes down Louise Mensch with a single tweet
8. Videos: NME's best singles of 1993
9. David Bowie's new album: first reviews
10. Salon frets that people make jokes about Bruce Springsteen

These were the most-read pages from across the entire site in 2013:

1. KT Tunstall figures out why people think she's gay
2. Tatu can't figure out why people think they're gay
3. Sort-of liveblog: The last Mark & Lard show
4. Neil McCormick files piece from Observer for the Telegraph
5. RI"P": Ronnie Biggs
6. Thom Yorke fails to treat Ronan Keating with deference
7. Court to be forced to watch R Kelly having sex
8. Jo O'Meara doesn't understand why she should say sorry
9. Liveblog: Brits 2013
10. Gordon Smart gets very excited by the Tulisa sex tape

[Concludes 2013 steps to nowhere