Posh pulled?

At the weekend, Jordan and her puppy Peter Andre were chatting away bravely about how they were going to America to knock the Beckhams into a cocked hat (the details - like, for example, what they were actually going to do - were skated over; but even American cable networks need you to do something before they'll give you a show.)

However, it seems the competitive bar might have been lowered somewhat suddenly, as Fox News is reporting [video] that Victoria's much-trumpeted reality show has been iced.

The problem was that the reality was very dull; and attempts to make it more interesting by getting in writers to give her lines instead have run into the problem that anyone who's seen her trying to act in SpiceWorld would have predicted. A deeper problem - that the network really wanted the project for the scenes with David in - can't be solved as David's in Spain playing football. How terrible for reality to cruelly dash a reality TV show...

Lemar: Forget 'talent show loser', think 'Peter Stringfellow on a budget'

Oh, Lemar, why don't you just buy a magazine if you're that desperate, lad?:

"I'm thinking of putting poles either side of the stage and having girls from the audience dance for me.

"It would be a good way to catch my breath between songs - I'd need lots of water though."

If you really have decided that your music is so weak it's going to need busty-dancing to keep the audience's attention, couldn't you at least pay someone to do it? Or is this meant to be like user generated-content for the live arena?

Any Ne-Yo dream will do

More oddness at the Bizarre section - presumably the staff of the Sun were too busy pawning their computers to pay that woman who managed to get herself caught by Iran to say how terrible it all was to pay too much attention to the rest of the paper, but it still seems curious that its report on Ne-Yo being parachuted in to oversee Whitney Houston's comeback album calling the work on it so far unusable and needing to get back to square one is accompanied by a photo of Houston captioned:

Triumphant comeback ... Whitney

Ne-Yo, however, clearly said the opposite:

“They [the songs recorded so far] all had the one same theme, which was ‘My name is Whitney Houston and this is my triumphant comeback’.

“We all understand she has gone through a lot.

“I’m sure we all get that but I think she needs songs about regular everyday life. So that’s what I’m planning to add to the album — songs about everyday emotions.”

Song's about Whitney's everyday life? We look forward to Ken Bruce debuting 'I Can See You Shooting Up Through The Hall In My Toilet Wall' sometime soon.

Newton is Kidmanning us

Great work by Victoria Newton today, firmly slapping down "rumours" that former Robbie Williams collaborator Nicole Kidman is pregnant with Keith Urban's baby:

NICOLE KIDMAN and hubby KEITH URBAN enjoy a day out in Sydney... after fiercely denying rumours she is pregnant.

The pair were pictured visiting her sister Antonia, who has just had her fourth child.

The Nicole pregnancy rumours started after she was snapped leaving a clinic in Santa Monica, California, last week. But a spokesman for the actress and singer Keith, both 39, said the claims were “100 per cent not true”.

Nicole, who has two adopted children, is set to film an outback adventure involving horse riding.

The spokesman said she would NOT do that if she was pregnant.

And so where did these rumours actually find their way into the public domain? Oddly, La Newton fails to actually print the most interesting part of Wendy Day's statement (yes, Kidman's "spokesman" is actually a woman, but Newton's always been shaky on detail):

"“[The report is] incorrect. As if she would confirm a pregnancy to News Of The World.”

Wonder why Newton missed that bit, eh?

Another night at the Ballet?

Although there's been courtroom-centered falling outs, more bad blood than a donor drive in a junkie neighbourhood and a noticeable lack of public demand, Tony Hadley has suggested there might, one day, be a Spandau Ballet reunion:

"There'll have to be an awful lot of things remedied because things did get personal and it went a bit too far.

"The next window of opportunity that I see would be our 30th anniversary, in about four years' time."

The last "window of opportunity" (and we're taking 'opportunity' in the sense of 'a way of doing it so it doesn't look like a desperate cash-in', of course) would have been Live 8, when Gary Kemp approached Haldey about doing something. To Africa's relief, Hadley harrumphed off, swinging his giant overcoat closed behind him.

We personally feel that the Spands should only get back together if the promise to strip naked and smear themselves in Dulux, like with the Paint Me Down video. Otherwise... it'd just be that bloke out of EastEnders and his old mates, wouldn't it?

Ba-da-da-da-daah, I'm Loving Me

Justin Timberlake is apparently having second thoughts about having sold his soul to McDonalds:

I regret the MCDonald's deal.

Not so much that he's sent the cash back - presumably, as much as it pains him to roll about in McDonalds' cash, rubbing it on his groin, he feels the need to keep the money. You see, he saved McDonalds single handed:

Just like the MCDonald's deal, whose market share went up 25 per cent when I walked into those offices and changed their image... when I did the Grammys, the viewing figures went up by 25 per cent."

He's still banging on about the Grammys, is he? We wonder if Timberlake even believes this stuff.

Let's examine this claim again: Timberlake was on the Grammys in 2007 while he wasn't on the 2006 programme. And more people did tune in for 2007 than the year before. However, the rise in the audience between the two years was three million, to 20 million - which is actually a smidge over 17 per cent up. So, not quite a 25% rise - and, of course, the 2006 show had been up against ratings juggernaut American Idol. The 17% rise was mainly due to not being head-to-head with Cowell, not the presence of Timberlake.

It's true that the I'm Lovin' It campaign coincided with a turnaround at McDonalds - however, Wendys, Jack In The Box and other US burger chains also experienced a rise in sales at the tail-end of 2003 which sector analysts put down to a cyclical return to the burger, rather than Justin Timberlake [source: Commercial Exploitation]; the turnaround in the burger chain's fortunes was also helped by millions of dollars of tie-ins and promotions unconnected with Mr. Timberlake. There was a fairly huge sales bounce but McDonalds themselves didn't really seem to think it was Justin's doing:

In addition to making note of geographic highlights, McDonald's also attributed its improved February sales picture to the performance of its "Plan to Win" program, which emphasizes better-tasting food, improved service and an enhanced menu. In the last year, the company also has introduced products to appeal to women and the health-conscious.

Justin's tinny jingle was window-dressing; it wasn't the sizzle.

Borrell sacks Dunst; possibly to show Razorlight "nobody's unexpendable"

We've been wondering how, exactly, we could measure the distance between reality and wherever it is that Johnny Borrell is these days. Then, handily, along comes a yardstick: He's dumped Kirsten Dunst. Or, at least, they've split, and it's being spun as him having dumped her:

"Johnny and Kirsten had a very passionate romance - they were completely blown away by each other at first.

They spent all their time together. Kirsten even made herself at home in Johnny's London pad.

But now Johnny's realised she's not the one for him. He dumped her at the weekend and has gone back to his old girlfriend."

Good lord. He probably though he was dating beneath himself.

[EDIT: Yes, the headline did originally say "expendable". I am an idiot.]

Bricks and more and more mortar

Chris Martin is an engima. He really is. We're still trying to work out how, for example, he reconciles buying a fourth house in a single street in London; that city accounting for 66% of all the families in the UK without anywhere permanent to live, some 62,020 households [sourece: Crisis] and him giving interviews to homeless charity magazine The Big Issue about what a good egg he is.

We all feel shame in the cold hard stare of George Michael's disgust

Apparently, George Michael has been disgusted by the media's reaction to Robbie Williams. Apparently unbothered that Williams might have brought some of his own troubles on himself by swanning about like he was some sort of demi-god, releasing a slipshod album that included vindictive personal attacks on his former manager, spent time crowing that he'd sold out his tour with more nights that Take Thats, Michael growled and grumbled:

"Take That came back with a perfectly acceptable record and good for them.

But I can't believe the way the media have treated Robbie Williams over this.

It's their dream come true for Take That to have come back and knocked a bit of stuffing out of him."

Presumably, when he attacks "the British media", Michael is somehow managing to overlook Victoria Newton's fawning 24 hour Williams PR stand, her "send a card to Robbie initiative, her publishing of the lyric attacking Nigel Martin Smith, with little regard to the very real riskk of it containing potentially libellious allegations, and so on.

It's almost as if George Michael has some sort of problem with the British press - you know, like constantly appearing on front pages in long-lens shots stumbling out of cars, that sort of thing - and is using Williams as some sort of proxy.

Just imagine.

Meanwhile, Michael has been trying to get a part in EastEnders or Coronation Street. Apparently he thinks it would be a great move:

"It would be a great place to learn to act."

No, George. A great place to "learn to act" would be a rehearsal room working on an amateur dramatic production of an Agatha Christie. Going into a programme watched by ten million people filmed on the sort of production line basis that Adam Smith would think a little over-mechanical isn't really a great move for someone who doesn't know what they're doing. Still, we're sure the other cast members will be keen to welcome you aboard knowing you think what they do is the nursery-room of acting.

Who's better, who's bitter, who's Best?

Pete Best is the drummer with The Beatles. Not, of course, The Beatles, who have split up and spent the last thirty-five years trying to squeeze as much cash out of record companies as they can for each new format which trickles out along, but Pete Best's Beatles, the slightly undignified attempt to trade on his having been in the band before Epstein turfed him out to make room on the drumstool for Ringo. Pete Best's Beatles always had the air of being a tribute act for something Best had had cruelly snatched from him, akin to pornography written by a eunuch.

Best has seethed and muttered and grumbled this last forty years. Now, though, he says it's time to let bygones be bygones:

In an interview with the Daily Mail he said that after the years of shock, disgruntlement and a suicide attempt, he now bears no grudges. "Some people expect me to be bitter and twisted, but I'm not. I feel very fortunate in my life. God knows what strains and stresses the Beatles must have been under.

Indeed, now Best wants to shake hands with Macca:

"We're not getting any younger," he said. "We know what we've done and we're not going to think any worse of each other if we had a chat now. God bless us all: it was all 40-odd years ago."

Of course, the cash he's picked up from the Anthology recordings may have helped him mellow a little, but as Jim McCabe observed when he sent us the link:

Presumably, they'll have a lot to talk about like, ooh, the cheese sandwiches in the Cavern, jolly japes in Hamburg, that sort of thing. I like the way Best stresses he's not "bitter or twisted". If I were McCartney, I'd feel safer in the company of Mark Chapman & Heather Mills than in a room with Best.

Avril Lavigne: Consistent

Last week, you'll recall, Avril lectured Britney about how she should be able to cope with the attentions and demands of fame:

You can’t complain about the pressures, the paparazzi, the madness because that’s the job.

Apparently, though, you can try to have a bloke thrown off a plane because he asked for your autograph. Apparently, that's not part of the job, then.

Gates pulls GAY shower off

We don't know what makes us bury our heads deeper in our hands - that Gareth Gates is so eager to please he'd planned to do a nude shower dance onstage at GAY, or that he was stopped doing so not by common sense or worries that the stench of desperation is hard to lose, but because it was a "health and safety" danger.

Presumably we're talking about electrocution, although there's every chance the scramble of self-respecting gay men trying to flee the scene as quickly as possible could have been a danger.

This week just gone

Seven days, including a bank holiday, of course, on No Rock & Roll Fun.

The ten most-read articles, excluding any mention of Heather Mills, McFly or R kelly:

1. Sarah Harding sexy pictures OK, Angelica Bell sexy pictures BAD, rules Daily Mail
2. Fall Out Boy flogs off product placement, selves, arse in video
3. How better to pay tribute to Ian Curtis than by flogging Joy Divsion sneakers?
4. Gary Barlow suggests Robbie William's rehab was a publicity stunt
5. Shakin Stevens lured Matt Lucas to homosexuality
6. Fergie waves lesbian kisses; tabloids fall into line
7. Fans of Jo O'meara still convinced she wasn't a bully
8. Mariah Carey hits cover of Playboy; world unsurprised
9. Aaron Carter lined up for Jacko kiddie fiddle trial [from 2004]
10. Ricky Wilson turns down Diana concert as he 'never met her'

You can read the whole week on one page, or
skim the previous week in one post.

Also this week: George Michael offered to save the world by taking photographs of John Lennon's piano on the scenes of violent deaths; Lady Sovereign was 'exhuasted' and we learned that Elvis used to do Monty Python sketches with "all the voices".

Five years ago this week, Clear Channel were building their empire; the Sugababes called for an end to bootleg mash-ups - after they'd done theres, of course; together at last - Jamiroquai meets Jamie Oliver; and the NME announced plans to abandon the music paper format.

This week, we whored ourselves out by offering these purchase ideas:



Jim, William, and Linda Reid kick off Sister Vanilla with a track about crashing
your car listening to The Pastels - worth buying for that alone,
surely?





Splendid though the remastering of Prefab Sprout's oft-overlooked classic Steve
McQueen is, it's the second disc of Paddy McAloon redoing the entire thing as an
acoustic album that makes this worth buying all over again





Wonderfully, Amazon suggests if you like Fields' new album, you might like a
magazine about hunting animals, too





The record which gave Johnny Marr his first US number one: Modest
Mouse





Low happening: we make Drums & Guns their 8th album





Apparently, we're meant to treat Panda Bear's Person Pitch as some kind of 2007
answer to Smile; it's not, it's a thing of itself





Approach Alison Krauss' collection with caution: contains traces of
Sting





The only Spice Girl, it turns out, who actually loves music - Melanie C turns in
another rummage through the genre dressing-up box





Considering the Beautiful South were about as fashionable as cold sore cream,
god alone knows how they managed enough BBC sessions to fill two
albums





McCulloch's not-so-great solo effort Mysterio boosted by a being teamed up with
his superior Candleland





More Scouse magic: The Wild Swan's work for Sire - singer Paul Simpson described
the band as "like a beautiful, holy, sexy, disturbing, dreamy nightmare about
breaking into heaven to have sex with the angels"





And another example of Liverpool at its best: Dalek, I Love You, packaged up
with b-sides and stuff so rare it's hitherto been protected by men with
rifles





This time last year they were the next big thing; They Came From The Sun should
at least re-ignite the Your Code Name Is: Milo spark

Great White knew nothing of fireworks

Some members of Great White are seeking to be released as co-defendents on the legal actions relating to the Atlanta nightclub fire:

Three of the band members - Mark Kendall, Eric Powers and David Filice - maintain in new court papers that they had no managerial duties with the group, had no contact with the owners of the club and did not participate in preparing or lighting the devices.

"They were at the nightclub that evening for one purpose - to perform music:, attorneys for the band members wrote in court papers filed Thursday in U.S. District Court in Providence. "They had no other role in the band's performance at The Station."

Jack White isn't, at this stage, seeking to be let off.

Rhode Island fire coverage in full

Why CocoRosie are smarter than Joss Stone

It could just be because they've got a smarter mother.

Joss canned her ma, because she wanted a "proper" manager.

Sierra and Bianca Casaday, though, put their faith in their mother...:

"We recently hired our mom to manage us," Sierra announces. "She sent us a message today to tell us she got us our first contact in the record industry, a producer."

"Rick Rubin," Bianca says, questioningly. "What records did he do?"

Several multi-million-selling albums by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Bianca screws up her face. Beastie Boys. System of a Down. Johnny Cash. She looks rather nonplussed. "Did he do anything that's not rock?" she asks. Johnny Cash? Still no reaction. Johnny Cash is apparently not "not rock" enough.

"We don't like rock," she continues. "I think the electric guitar solo thing is... a little too macho. Dudes with guitars... not our thing."

Maybe they could pass their mother on to Joss Stone?

Coming attractions: The Young Playthings

Normally, bands with members travelling under comedy names make us narrow our eyes, but The Young Playthings can be forgiven including a Jørs Truly amongst their ranks, if only because they'll get their payback when people start asking him "so, after you were in the band with Marco, Merrick, Terry Lee and Gary Tibbs, what happened then?"

Also, their debut poppy-playful album Who Invented Love is rather good. The step from bedroom recordings to studio has allowed them to expand their range to muck about having a go at doo-wop and to move ever closer to making a David Lynch soundtrack for a film even he might be a little scared of. It's out at the start of next month; your time spent investigating might be rewarded.

Coming attractions: Green Pitch

It's not out until June, but worth making a note in your diaries, as Green Pitch's first single proper Reverse will be emerging on the 4th. From Denmark, they seem to be all wispy and ethereal until Rex Garfield's vocals kick in, when everything suddenly becomes sharper and little bit bitter. Pearly Peardrops Drops.

The album Ace of Hearts is released in July; if you can't wait until then, it's important enough to be imported already.

Groove is in the shark

It doesn't quite look like it's the future, but it does give a sense of what the shape of the future may be: GrooveShark, a legal music sharing service which rewards you for passing on details about the music you like, is taking sign-ups for its test version. Oh, imagine if this caught on and the RIAA had to pay people to upload music on its behalf.

Naturally, the music is DRM free, too.

No Blunt, No That for Diana

The Daily Mirror's list of acts playing the Diana memorial concert seems to have been a little awry: Neither James Blunt nor Take That are confirmed for the event:

"Contrary to the report in today's Daily Mirror, Take That and James Blunt are not confirmed to appear at Concert for Diana on July 1st."

Indeed, apparently only Elton and Joss Stone are definitely going. So it'll still be terrible enough.

I bet you look good with your pants on

For some reason, the Arctic Monkeys have been trying to keep Jamie Cook's relationship with Katie Downes quiet. Almost as if dating a glamour model didn't fit with the band's image or something.

According to her MySpace page, Katie likes the Arctic Monkeys (although they come as a second to The Kooks - Luke Pritchard, take note). But then seh also lists her interests as "fetish photography and anything artistic", and yet her catalogue shows she seems to only appear in those hand-across-tits teenage-boy porn churned out for lower shelf magazines, so who knows what to believe?

It all pays well, though: apparently, she's made seven figures out of it all.

Britney needs Andrew Winter

This week we're in Malibu, with Britney. Britney's a newly single Mum, and keen to sell her Malibu mansion in order to downsize and settle some sizeable medical bills. But the house has been on the market since January, and even a cut in price of a million pounds, to six million, has failed to interest any serious buyers. I went to take a look...

- Britney, the first thing that strikes me as I come through the door is that you've got a great welcoming space here, but that's lost as there's what I can only describe as a stench. What is that smell?

- It's the bitter reek of disappointment, Andrew

- That really is the sort of thing that puts buyers off straight away. And does it go right through the house?

- No, not the whole house.

- But there are smell problems elsewhere?

- Yes, the living rooms have the whiff of failure, and I've been trying to get rid of the fog of desperation from the kitchen.

- And how have you been doing that?

- I tried burning some sage.

- That's really not going to do it. Modern buyers are finely attuned to what they want, and if a house is clouded with the death of hope, it's going to to take more than some herbs to put it right...

Glitter wants out

Apparently, Gary Glitter is planning to ask the Vietnamese president to let him out early to mark Vietnam's Victory Day.

Yes, how could victory over Western forces trying to control your nation be better marked than by giving a treat to a Briton who came to shag your children?

Robbie Williams is not afraid of a climbdown

Robbie Williams is going to rejoin Take That.

Well, no he's not, obviously, but The Sun has seized on something his Mum said and built it up a little:

Jan agrees. She said: “I don’t think Robert has a problem with that. He’s thrilled at how Take That have come back.

“On the question of him doing something with them, that will happen.

“It would be something he wanted to do.

“I’m thrilled that out of all the negative stuff that happened in the past there’s now something great happening.

“Take That were excellent when they were all together and they are excellent now.”

Now, the honest headline might be "Robbie's mam reckons there might be some sort of reunion", but instead, the Sun has gone with:

Robbie will sing with Take That

We love that Jan rates Take That as "excellent" before and now, with the implication that her son limping off hasn't really made that much of difference. As indeed, it hasn't, except giving all the lads a twnety-five per cent pay rise.

Meanwhile, Robbie's Dad Pete Conway is currently doing a TV advert for TJ Hughes, which is a bit like Matalan without the hope. And recommending bargains. The idea is that the store is showing its commitment to price cutting by using "non-celebs" - but they could have done that without using Robbie's Dad, Carol Vorderman's Mum, Wayne Rooney's brother and Paul Ross' Mum by using people not related to famous names. Because when I see Wayne Rooney's brother recommending a shop, I tend to think "oh, they must sell stuff that looks a bit like brand name products, only isn't quite as good..."

A little Iggy for the end of Good Friday

Something else to listen to, if you're sure you want to: NPR streaming Iggy and The Stooges from last night in Washington, sadly, rather than sometime in the past, but all Pop is some pop at some point. Or something.

A 4AD CD 4 3

Blonde Redhead's MySpace hole is currently pumpy-streaming the entire 23 album.

It also provides an interesting lesson in declining attention spans - track one has been played over 100,000 times; track two just 30,000. By the time you get to track 10, only 5,675 plays.

Iha: I have no part in it

James Iha has been pretty quiet while Billy Corgan has been running about trumpeting the Smashing Pumpkins reunion.

Up until now, anyway:

“No, I’m not part of the current Smashing Pumpkins album or tour, I haven’t spoken to Billy in years. I’m writing for a solo record, which I’m going to record this year, and working on my indie label Scratchie Records.”

In other words: not only is the band Corgan touting not (quite) the Pumpkins, but he didn't even make an effort to see if Iha wanted in on the trading of a name that was as much Iha's as it was Corgan. Doubtless Corgan sent a postcard or something to the last address he had and never heard back.

Fall Out Boy: The Oxo family of our time

As if having traded their video for Thanks For The Mmrs into a billboard wasn't enough, Fall Out Boy have continued to stuff their pockets with gold by signing up on a tour to promote the Honda Civic - indeed, so happy are they to sell themselves, they actually take second billing to the car.

Trouble is, "personal issues" have led to the dates being pulled and rescheduled, reports the website for HONDA CIVIC's Fall Out Boy tour:

Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz says, "Just wanted to give everyone a heads up, we are planning on this being the biggest and best Fall Out Boy show that we could possibly have. Unfortunately, because of some personal issues we had to delay the tour a few weeks. We want to put on the best possible show we can and know that this extra couple of weeks will give us the time to put ourselves in the right place to put on the best show we can. The shows from the earlier part of the tour will be rescheduled to the end but all tickets will be honored for all moved shows. Again we apologize. Our fans really mean the world to us and I promise the wait will be well worth it."

Presumably they're busy shooting endorsements for Tab or something.

But they didn't like you, Mutya

Somewhat confusingly, Mutya Buena seems surprised the rest of her former colleagues in the Sugababes haven't been in touch to wish her luck:

"I'm closer to George Michael than I am to them now.

I'm really upset none of the girls called me to wish me good luck.

We grew up together and have been through a lot."

But... they didn't like you, Mutya.

Coster-nation

Kevin Costner is launching a legal action against Mahee Worldwide Ventures inc. Costner claims they promised to build him a career in music:

"Defendants made numerous promises regarding their capabilities to promote Mr Costner's music and (their) willingness to pay for the right to do so. "Instead of following through on their promises, defendants continued to make false promises and ultimately disappeared ..."

Of course, it could just be that Costner's not very good at music and they were being kind by saving him from making records and a fool of himself. It'll all come out in court now, of course.

Dunst defends doing Debbie

In perhaps a sign that prepublicity for the movie isn't going as smoothly as the studios would probably have hoped, Kirsten Dunst has started trying to defend her casting in the lead on the Deborah Harry biopic:

"Debbie chose me for this role so anyone who disputes this can take it up with her.

I'll work hard on this character because she is the coolest woman of all time."

Just as a general point, you probably shouldn't ask someone "who would you want to play you in the story of your life" - for example, in No Rock - The Movie, I'd cast John Simm to play me. The rest of the world, though, would be putting in a call to Danny DeVito.