Which member of Girls Aloud is most confident near-naked?

That there's trouble in Girls Aloud is suggested again this morning, as what would normally be a fairly unremarkable announcement - Sarah Harding has signed a deal to flog Ultimo knickers and bras - is turned into an attack on the rest of the band:

A source said: “Sarah isn’t afraid of showing off her body — she’s got a great figure and she knows it. The other girls aren’t as confident about their bodies as Sarah so its not something they would go for. They have done sexy shoots for lads’ mags but doing a modelling deal in just bra and pants is not the same thing.”

That's right - for example, this cover from FHM shows just how much Nadine Coyle would have to loosen up to appear in pictures wearing next to nothing. You can just see how she lacks confidence, and that's almost wearing a skirt in the picture. Can you imagine if she wasn't almost wearing that, too?

music sarah harding girls aloud ultimo nadine coyle

Robbie Williams is not a swinger

... but he is going to hang out with Colin Montgomerie. As he completes his comfy settling in to the light ent monster model, Robbie is embracing his inner golfer and will be joining Colin to wear pastel coloured diamond-patterned sweaters at the Ryder Cup.

Monty and Willy became mates during the Anty and Decy golf thing. Presumably both drawing large crowds and earning large sums for doing something bemusing gave them something in common.

Okay, we know it's just about possible to have an interest in golf and not be clubbable (in both senses of the word) - Nigel from Half Man Half Biscuit, for example - but there's something about hanging about golf courses which just gives off the air of the Mike Baldwins.

music robbie williams colin montgomerie

Ash in psych-ish, hits New York

Irish band Ash are, effectively, Irish no more as they've upped sticks to New York. They reckon they spent so long working there, they might as well move there and have done with.

Plus, you can buy a pizza the size of your head for 37p with the exchange rate the way it is.

The new album seems to be a mixture of the good (psychedelic experimentation) and the bad (reports using the word "Coldplayesque"); they haven't run it past former Ashista Charlotte Hatherley yet, though. Tim Wheeler explains why:

"That would be too much like seeing your ex-girlfriend."

music ash tim wheeler charlotte hatherley

Militant Muscovites misprize Madonna

The shift in the venue - and day - for the Madonna date in Moscow hasn't dealt with one of more pressing problems facing the event: Russian Orthodox radicals are calling for the concert to be banned. There's been quite a large-ish protest:

"We will never allow her to desecrate our greatest icons. We demand to drive Madonna out of Russian territory," Leonid Simanovich-Nikshich, head of a group calling itself the Union of Orthodox Religious Banner Bearers, told about 100 supporters at a central Moscow square.

"They say that Madonna is very rich, but what is all that wealth if a person has lost their soul?"

Well, it's half of Wiltshire, a couple of London townhouses, and... oh, you mean spiritually. We do like that Simanovich-Nikshich doesn't appear to actually believe that Madonna is rich, either, treating it as hearsay.

Rather splendidly, instead of burning her image, the protesters speared a poster of Madonna - kind of angry militancy crossed with the Dad's Army titles.

In case you've not been keeping up to date with Madonna, Reuters offers a handy reminder:

Madonna has attracted accusations of blasphemy throughout her career. In 1989 her hit song "Like a Prayer" featured burning crosses and statues crying blood.

Well, almost. The song didn't, but the video did. And, perhaps more to the Christian-baiting point, it featured Madonna getting off with a black guy who was representing Christ. It might have been that bit that caused Pepsi to drop her like a anvil, rather than a statue crying blood.

music madonna moscow

Jones, Cable re-attached

The long and bitter rift between Kelly Jones and Stuart Cable after Jones kicked his old school chum out of the Stereophonics has been laid to rest after the pair met by chance and had a drink together.

After all, why should Cable bear a grudge? Being poked off the drumstool has meant his life has become more interesting, and he's started to find a lucrative role as the budget-priced Noddy Holder.

Meanwhile, Jones is off the Hollywood in LA, America to pitch a movie:

"I'm going to LA at the beginning of September. I've written a short film, which I'm trying to develop. I will be shooting a read through scene out there with Dougray Scott, a fan and friend of mine for a number of years, he was really into the story and the idea, so that should be a blast and a new experience for me which I'm nervous and excited about."

If Scott is your friend, Jones, why would you describe him as "a fan" first of all?

music kelly jones stuart cable dougray scott stereophonics

Roy Bailey follows in the footsteps of The Beatles

Folk singer Roy Bailey has returned his MBE in disgust at Tony Blair's Middle-East policy, having been inspired to do so by the similar move of nurse Suzy Wighton.

Bailey explains his actions:

“In the end I had to do what felt right. Suzy Wighton’s article did focus me. When I read her argument I thought, ‘I can’t disagree with any of this’. I thought I should commit myself to doing this so I made my own statement and returned my own MBE.

“I wrote to her and congratulated her for her stand because it did help me focus on the issue.”

The lifelong Labour supporter added that he considered Blair’s support of US foreign policy a “betrayal” of the party’s values.

“ When it comes to waging an illegal war in Iraq, the killing of innocent people in Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and now Lebanon, I can no longer accept as an ‘honour’, a recommendation supported by the Prime Minister, that I be awarded the MBE. Tony Blair insists his decisions are in support of democracy. We cannot bomb people into accepting democracy any more than we could slaughter people into accepting Christianity.”

Somehow, we suspect that Bailey's action is heartfelt; unlike, say, Paul McCartney's return of his MBE as an anti-Vietnam protest. A few years later, Macca got over his problems with UK foreign policy well enough to take a knighthood, and he hasn't seemed that bothered about sending it back since.

music tony blair roy bailey suzy wighton lebanon

Hatfield of hellos

A gentle tug of the string attached to our big toe from Jeff at Old Grey Cat alerts us to a new slew of tracks being made available via Juliana Hatfield's honors-system download page. The system works on you being invited to pay a cash sum you feel is right for the track - kind of the way you can sometimes buy tomatoes in the country by putting some coins in a box by a hedgerow.

Amongst the new stuff on offer is a batch of demos from the Some Girls album; the basic system itself is a refreshing experiment in trust and co-operation and, we suspect that the release of more tracks into the field is an indication that it's working. There's not much of a downside on this.

music juliana hatfield

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Sales away

With the news that the British music scene is having something of a boom, with new artists at the forefront, who better to turn to for an explanation than HMV's own Gennaro Castaldo? At least, that's what The Scotsman decided to do, anyway:

"In the UK, there's a much more dynamic environment where new artists can come to the fore. The Internet now is part of that armory for breaking a new act," says Gennaro Castaldo, spokesman with music and entertainment retailer HMV.

Although, of course, that The Internet was meant to be destroying record sales, by making them free, wasn't it? Curious.

music gennaro castaldo hmv

Getting a job purely on your merits

You'll never guess who is being lined-up to direct the next Coldplay video. Oh, you have: Gwyneth Paltrow. How did you guess?

"Gwyneth has said she's keen to direct pop videos and Chris has agreed to let her direct one for Coldplay," a source claims. "She loves the band and their music, and it's a way for her and Chris to be together while he's working."

So, since it seems any old idiot can direct a pop video, will we expect to see Martin producing Paltrow's next movie? It's only fair, surely?

Having said that, we'd love to see Chris Martin working on Shallow Hal 2: Worth The Weight.

[Thanks to Jana K for the tip]

music gwyneth paltrow coldplay chris martin

Slow Breeders

They don't exactly knock albums out like they're sitting on the production line at the canning factory, so it's always exciting to hear news of The Breeders working on a new album. With Steve Albini doing the production, too.

They're spending the month recording, apparently. We're still some distance away from a release date.

music steve albini the breeders

Petey clean

Sentencing in the Pete Doherty drugs case has been deferred until December, with Judge Jane Ivor telling Mr. D that she's very impressed with his progress - he's turned in his first clean bloodtest since records began; Ivor also told Doherty she likes his new song. (Everyone, it seems, fancies themselves as a rock critic.)

"It's turning out to be a long haul. I'm impressed with the negative results for heroin and cocaine. It's stage I never thought you'd reach, (and) the option of re-sentencing you would be counter productive. I'm deferring sentencing for three months until December 4, but you have to continue with you rehab and continue your employment, which means cooperation with those who work with you."

The question, of course, is, if she never thought Pete would ever test negative for coke and smack, then why did she put him under the order for testing in first place? The positive view would be that she gave him the opportunity to prove her wrong; the cynical view would be that Pete was being set up to fail.

Interestingly, the NME website reveals that earlier reports that Pete had been instructed by the courts to attend the Priory were erroneous; the injunction was that he must receive rehab, but didn't stipulate from where. Pete has to continue with the treatment as part of the deferred sentence.

music pete doherty babyshambles

King beats Queen

We're still scratching our heads about last night's Channel Five programme, Battle of the Popstars - Live. Did anyone really bother to spend good money (35pence a throw) voting time and again in increasingly pointless pairings of bands? Come on... who's better? Blur or Kylie? Answer now, dammit.

The closest thing we got to an upset was when Queen beat the Beatles in the semi-finals, thereby preventing the final round pitching Elvis against the mop tops - which seemed to be the inevitable consequence of the format. Elvis beat Queen, of course, thereby meaning after two hours we were told that Elvis was the best pop star ever.

In order to help people decide who to vote for, there was a smattering of punditry for each artist - although, frankly, if you need to be told who Kylie Minogue is, your vote for best pop star ever isn't really going to be an informed judgement. Mind you, if you don't have the ability to offer an informed judgement, chances are you'd have been appearing in the programme anyway, which bulked out the talking heads with the likes of a Cher impersonator, Molly Parkin and Emma Jones. Jones managed to show excatly how she landed the editorship of Smash Hits by offering the observation that Robbie Williams is the only person who ever made a successful career after leaving a boyband. Presumably she's never heard of Justin Timberlake. Or Bobby Brown. Or Rona Keating.

A curious and time-wasting concoction then, which we suspect had little purpose other than to raise some cash for Channel Five. We're a step closer to wanking for coins on terrestrial TV turning into a reality.

music tv elvis

Doherty: Wish you were here

Pete Doherty is in the supposedly rigorous Priory Clinic, undergoing rehab. He must be in some sort of torment, right?

Apparently not, according to Adam Ficek:

"Pete sees rehab as a holiday camp. He gets to make new friends and can talk to his girlfriend Kate Moss when he wants. It's a bit of a pain, but fans don't need to worry about him, he'll be fine. It's a doddle for him."

I'm sure that's put all of our minds at rest, then.

music pete doherty babyshambles

Kasabian think they're the Stranglers

Why do people buy Kasabian records?

Serge reckons he knows:

"It gets you in the mood to be a sleazy bastard. That's how rock 'n' roll should make you feel."

No, no, Serge. We said listening to you makes us feel dirty, but we meant more like we'd been sat in a dumpster for an afternoon.

Luke Kooks cop shop shock

One of the things we really dislike about modern life - we have a long list, if you're interested - is the way that the notices which, when I was a teenager, basically said "Under 18? No booze for you, sod off" have morphed into cringey, would-be amusing messages like "ooh, if you're lucky enough to look under 21, please don't be offended if we ask to see some evidence of your age and perhaps a few questioons about your beauty rituals."

Luke Pritchard, out of stage schoolers The Kooks, has one of those young faces, and so when cops saw him carrying bottles of beer through the streets, they carded him, and carted him off to the police station to verify that he was old enough to shave. And drink.

Wonderfully, they had to ring up his parents to have them confirm he was older than his baby-face suggested.

The word, of course, is "bless".

music the kooks luke pritchard

Get naked, Heather Mills urged

When it comes to Geoff Baker, long-serving, long-suffering publicist to Paul McCartney, revenge turns out to be a dish best served rubbish. We seem to have a theme developing today.

Believed to have been let go in response to a clash of personalities with Heather Mills, Baker has issued a public offer to Heather Mills: Model for the sleeve of my new band's single. Only he wants her to do it naked, and the track is called Queen Diva.

Do you see? We're talking levels of subtlety here that could be seen from the moon.

The band he's managing now is called Purplemelon. Which we think means Heather has the last laugh. Yes, she might be going through a very public divorce; yes, the porn stuff she did when she was younger might have been published in the all the papers. But at least she's not trying to interest the world in a band called Purplemelon.

music heather mills purplemelon

Robbie Williams is not letting go

We feel sorry for Robbie Williams' core audience of Home Counties matrons, who'll buy his new album hoping to get something nice, like that Angels or the ones where he pretended he was Frank Sinatra's tailor, and instead get a jolly song littered with sub-Sopranos threats:

Either you’re a thief or you’re shit
which one will you admit to?
Such an evil man
I used to fantasise about taking a Stanley knife
and playing round with your eyes.
“I’m 16 and chubby,’ he tells me,
‘Lose 20 pounds, you’re not Rob, you’re Robbie,
and if I see you with a girl,
then you’ll be sorry.’

Robbie Williams being ordered to keep away from girls. Just fancy, eh?

The target of this ire is Nigel Martin-Smith, Take That's manager; Williams apparently believes that he diddled him while he was in the band and favoured Gary Barlow over him, just because Barlow wrote all the songs and sang all the songs.

Somehow, we can't see this replacing Angels as first dance material.

music robbie williams take that

Girls Aloud Havant a clue

Why were Girls Aloud late on stage at a concert in Havant?

Not, as you might think, because the group is in crisis and everybody hates each other, oh no.

Apparently, it was because Cheryl Cole's dog wouldn't go back in the house when they went to pick her up.

After an hour, they decided to take the dog as well. Although a better solution would have been to leave Cheryl behind.

music girls aloud havant cheryl tweedy

Murder, torture, bathing in blood - just another day at the goth office

Back in the 1600s, Elisabeth Bathory took to killing young girls so she could bathe in their blood and, thus, obtain eternal youth. It's a rotten idea - apart from anything, if that worked, then Nadine Baggot, Celebrity Beauty Editor, would be sloshing about in a bath of teenage O negative instead of spending her meagre income on Olay Regenrist. Plus, of course, murder is never a pretty business. And what good is eternal youth anyway, if you have to spend it forever digging a hole in the garden to bury corpses in?

Still, Bathory is about receive some of the immortality she thought was hers, in the form of an album by German pridegoths Untoten. Titled Die Blutgräfin, it details her legend over two albums' length and is due the end of October. Probably not one to ask your Gran for for Christmas.

music untoten

China Apple journos threat lifted

The company whose employees had been beavering away making iPods for an extraordinary length of time has apparently decided to not sue the journalists who brought the story to the public's attention after all.

Their paper, the China Business News, and the iPod manufacturer, have apologised to each other. Wonder if there was any pressure from Cupertino involved in this sudden u-turn.

music ipod apple

Double-crossed Helix

The major labels do what they do for the artists, you'll remember. An example of how they put their artists' interests ahead of the rest can be found by listening to the story of why the band Helix appear on the soundtrack to Trailer Park Boys, but not on the soundtrack album. This is what Helix's Brian Vollmer has said:

"This week the song 'Heavy Metal Love' officially made the Trailer Park Boys movie soundtrack. Unfortunately, Dean Cameron, president of EMI Canada, decided to withhold the song from the movie soundtrack CD. He did this because the distribution of the soundtrack CD was being handled by Universal, not EMI. Even though EMI would have made money licensing the song to the movie people, Dean decided to make a point. Stupid. Sandbox politics at it’s best. The biggest losers here however are myself, Paul Hackman’s widow, and my former manager William Seip, as we would all have made money from the publishing generated by our song being on the CD, not to mention the exposure of the band which would have probably led to sales of Helix back catalogue which EMI owns. No wonder big record companies are going down the tubes when they do shit like this. And I think of all those years of loyalty to Capitol/EMI-not seeing our families, doing every interview they ever asked us to do, whatever… and this is how the company repays us. Pure bullshit. Thanks a lot Cameron.

Of course, it's possible Vollmer has got hold of the wrong end of the stick, but even if he has, that this would be the conclusion to which he's jumped suggests a less-than-positive working relationship between band and label.

We've said before that if we were in any way an institutional investor and held stock in the record labels, we'd be taking a good hard look at the decisions they're making these days. It's not just that they're capitalists - it's that they're so bad at capitalism to boot.

music helix

Thom Yorke - no, really, he's like Chuckles

It's not the sort of intervention that's really going to do much for your reputation: it might be nice for someone to stand up and say "Thom Yorke's not as gloomy as you might think", but when that someone is Michael Stipe - hardly known for his appearances on Hollywood Squares - it's not really that convincing:

"Thom in person is not as cheerless as the media like to portray him. We have suffered the same thing for years, just because my band's music leans towards the darker emotions.

"I'm happy to report that Mr Thom Yorke is a very happy and a very well-rounded and very smart person."

Well, next to you, perhaps.

music michael stipe thom yorke rem radiohead

Is this real life, or a Channel Five reality show?

The clash, we suggest, of the century. The last century, admittedly, but a century nevertheless: Liam Gallagher and Gazza having a fight in the Groucho club.

All you need is to cut Jamie Theakston in, and you've got a programme - you could call it fighting backwards.

God alone knows what it was all about; security finally became involved when Gallagher let a foamy mess of fire extinguisher off over Paul Gascoigne's face.

music liam gallagher paul gascoigne oasis

Paris left Banksy insane

There finally is a reason to seek out Paris Hilton's CD in the shops - Banksy has slipped some modified versions into the retail swim. He's bought some of her albums, replaced the CDs and put them back into the shops:

Banksy has replaced Hilton's CD with his own remixes and given them titles such as Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For?

There are, apparently, 500 doctored CDs in 48 stores across the country, in independent stores, Virgins and HMVs. An HMV spokesperson - do we detect an uncredited Gennaro Castaldo moment here? - says that they're not worried:

A spokesman for HMV said the chain had recovered seven CDs from two Brighton shops but was unaware that other locations were affected.

No customers had complained or returned a doctored version, he said.

"It's not the type of behaviour you'd want to see happening very often," he said.

"I guess you can give an individual such as Banksy a little bit of leeway for his own particular brand of artistic engagement.

"Often people might have a view on something but feel they can't always express it, but it's down to the likes of Banksy to say often what people think about things.

"And it might be that there will be some people who agree with his views on the Paris Hilton album."

The reason, we suspect, that nobody has complained is that so few people are buying the album that they're all still on the shelves.

Virgin are also trying to find doctored CDs:

A spokesman for Virgin Megastores said staff were searching for affected CDs but it was proving hard to find them all.

... in such a large pile of unsold records. Mind you, there's got to be an aspect of mental cruelty in forcing someone to listen to Hilton record after Hilton record.

music banksy paris hilton

Some people call Relate; Madonna rings up an African orphanage

If the Sunday People is to be believed - and, we allow, that's quite a big "if" - Madonna and Guy Ritchie are planning to adopt a Malawian orphan in a "bid to save their marriage."

Because, of course, that's precisely the reason to adopt - some celebrities might cynically use it as a way of securing large cash payments from magazines without the need to get stretch marks in the process, but of course you should only do so if you're really committed to the idea, for example, to paper over the cracks in a relationship.

music madonna

Mills & McCartney talk; tabloids panic

Throwing what the UK press had hoped might have been a lucrative couple of years into doubt; Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have had a forty-minute secret summit which may have given them a fresh start, at least as far as getting divorced goes.

The meeting took place with even security staff excluded; hangers on said Heather seemed pleased when she emerged.

Of course, it might just be she was giving him his bottles of Cif back.

music heather mills paul mccartney

Overthrowing The Status Quo

It was one of the happier endings in pop music: Rick Parfitt divorced his wife, Patty. Then they got back together again.

Only, then the happy ending threw back to being unhappy, as Parfitt has now got married to another woman. The Sunday Mirror disapproves:

Speaking from his foreign love-nest last night, Rick told the Sunday Mirror: "We're just chilling out."

It's in the use of the word "foreign" that you can hear their clucking tongues. Bad enough that a man dump his partner, but far worse if he leaves his country to do so.

music rick parfitt status quo

ATOMISED KITTEN

The News of the World reported on Kerry Katona's coke problems last year, and was subjected to an angry denial. It's worth remembering, though, if you're going to damn a tabloid as printing lies and bullshit, that you probably ought to make sure you are clean. Otherwise, you're just building yourself up for a harder fall.

The fall comes today, with the News running a handy, anotated guide to Katona's bedside table.

The Screws is especially outraged, as the admission of drug taking has come from, erm, Katona herself. After having denied it last year, she's now said, yes, she did take drugs:

Now, with a lucrative book to promote, 25-year-old Kerry has done a swift U-turn, admitting drug abuse and blaming it on her 2004 split with husband Brian McFadden.

"Drugs and booze provided a mask to hide behind," she said."I lost the plot."

Good lord - she's only admitting it for the money, you say?

They also point out that the u-turn she's just made does drop Max Clifford in it, somewhat:

These astonishing new revelations also discredit the guff spouted by Kerry's PR man Max Clifford last December when he declared:

"She does not take drugs and never has. It's totally untrue, total lies."

Presumably, of course, Max was simply unaware. How can these press handlers hope to handle the press if their clients won't even be straight with them, eh?

The NOTW claims that Katona continues to enjoy the odd snort - which would at least explain how she perks up so quickly in that advert for the Iceland barbecue pack.

music kerry katona max clifford atomic kitten

Golf club baby-related tantrums

We're not entirely sure there's even a story here, except how highly strung Geri Halliwell is, but the News of the World is reporting she's called in police to investigate her allegations that Bluebell had been abused by some agency nanny she'd left her with:

GERI Halliwell found baby daughter Bluebell bruised and bawling after leaving her with a temporary nanny.

The tiny tot was shrieking when furious Geri, 34, turned on the nanny and screamed: "What's happened? What have you done to my baby?"

Apparently, the nanny didn't offer an explanation - although if you had Halliwell bawling in one ear and a child bawling in the other, you might find it difficult to get your thoughts together; they could use that in Guantanamo - which made Halliwell assume there'd been something wrong happening.

Because, of course, children don't get bruised and cry under normal circumstances of playing and wobbling and falling.

An insider explains:

"Geri has barely let Bluebell out of her sight since the birth. Then she leaves her with someone and all hell breaks loose."

So... this is one of the first times Geri has left her daughter with a stranger. Do you wonder if, perhaps, that might have been what upset Bluebell? That, perhaps, the bruise had already been there when geri handed her over, but unnoticed, and when discovered as "proof" something was up, the nanny was unable to explain how it got there because it hadn't actually happened during her watch?

It's every bit as plausable as "nanny abuses child", but, of course, less interesting from a Sunday paper's perspective.

music geri halliwell

This week just gone

The last seven days march towards autumn on No Rock & Roll Fun, in a handy boiled-down form.

The ten most-read individual items were:

1. Heather Mills strips again - for the animals
2. Heather Mills strips originally - for the money
3. McFly strip - for the publicity
4. Is KT Tunstall gay? The debate continues, and continues...
5. Nikki off Big Brother claims Pete Doherty paid her for (no) sex
6. Pete Doherty calls for war on the pampered middle classes from his private hospital rehab bed
7. Q's top 100 songs lead by Oasis. Twice.
8. Earlier Heather Mills porno adventures
9. MTV VMA nominations
10. My Chemical Romance bottled at Reading

The big things this week were the end of the Reading and Leeds festivals and the MTV awards.

Read everything from the last seven days on one page,
or zoom through the previous week in one post.


And we did our bit for the UK's embrace of online shopping by coughing politely and pointing out this lot:


Feverishly anticipated back-to-basics set by kings of Canadian indie


His Name Is Alive - no lobger on 4AD, but more 4ADish than ever


Juliana Hatfield and Some Girls and a DVD


Kind of like a Russian Futurists 'made simple' compilation


Seldom a footwrong - Kelis works the Milkshake formula like a Ronald McDonald in heat


They cut hedges