No Rock And Roll Fun

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Grant our invisibility cloak immunity, begs RIAA

In the wake of the HP case last year - where the printer ink company was caught pretending to be someone else to sneak out phone records of journos and board members - California has been planning to strengthen the law on pretexting. The state thinks that if you want to know something, you should be honest about who you are and why you're doing it.

Fair enough, right?

Not quite - the record and movie industry are wailing that they need to be exempt:

But the Recording Industry Assn. of America and the Motion Picture Assn. of America say they sometimes need to use subterfuge as they pursue bootleggers in flea markets and on the Internet.

In recent letters to state Sen. Ellen Corbett (D-San Leandro), the trade groups said the proposed legislation was written too broadly and could undermine anti-piracy efforts. They said investigators sometimes pose as someone else to obtain bootlegged CDs or movies and to break into online piracy rings.

"Basically, we want criminals to feel comfortable that who they're dealing with is probably some other criminal and let us in on what's going on," said Brad Buckles, the RIAA's executive vice president for anti-piracy. "We're not talking about trying to go in and get customer information. In no case have we ever tried to do that."

The RIAA proposed changes to the piracy bill that raised alarms among consumer advocates. The trade group asked that any owner of a copyright, patent, trademark or trade secret be able to use "pretexting or other investigative techniques to obtain personal information about a customer or employee" when seeking to enforce intellectual property rights.

Hmm... the music industry has never attempted to pretend to be someone else in order to winkle out customer information, eh? Isn't that exactly what they were doing when they were breaching the terms of service on file sharing network a few years back? And if it's not about investigating customers, then why does their requested version of the law expressly give them the right to, erm, investigate customers?

The other important thing, of course, is that the RIAA is not dealing with "criminals" at all - it's dealing with suspects. And if it really does believe crimes are being committed - even the ridiculous non-crimes its managed to get onto US statute books - shouldn't it be a law enforcement agency who investigates them? Does the State of California really want to give trade associations the legal right to play at being Secret Squirrel?

[Thanks to our tipster for the tip.]

Can an iPod stop a bullet from an AK-47?

You'd think "probably not", but last week saw a hugely dugg story - complete with photo - which suggested that an iPod had, indeed, saved the life of a US soldier in Iraq. As with most stories with the word "Iraq" in them, the truth was slightly different, as HavanaLion has discovered:

The armor stopped the bullet.

The iPod was how Kevin Garrad found out he was shot. This is the real story.
Kevin said he got into the fight with the insurgent and afterwards he did not know he was even shot. He said he returned to his bunk after the patrol, put on his earbuds and began to clean his weapon.

He said: “you get into a ritual out there.”

No music came on. He dug around in the pockets where he kept the iPod and pulled out the twisted hunk of metal that is in the pictures. He said that was how he found out that he had been shot during the fight. He was happy that his armor worked.

He said the upgraded armor he was wearing could stop the AK-47 round.

This will be good news for the Pentagon - imagine if they'd had to kit out their entire surged-up troops with full body iPods for protection.

[iPod image from TikiGod on Flikr]

In other Middle East conflict iPod news, Arthur Bachelor, one of the British sailors captured by Iranian forces in disputed waters, has been complaining that the goody bag he was given on release was no replacement for the iPod the Iranians apparently nicked off him:

THE gifts the Iranians gave the crew were a load of junk - and nothing in comparison to what they stole, including Arthur Batchelor's iPod, he said yesterday.

They [...] got a "granny bag" full of tat including toffees with a label saying "containing pistachio", a CD and DVD that don't work and 11 books.

These were in English and mostly aimed at trying to convert the reader to Islam with titles like Youth and Morals by Sayid Lari.

Arthur said: "The iPod was really special to me as it was a gift. It had our song on, Hold Me Tonight by Angel One, which was one of the tunes playing when we first met.

"It was in a pocket in my overalls. The guards took everything off us - including cigarettes and watches.

We're still puzzled why the Mirror seemed so outraged that the toffees had pistachio in them - do they suspect some sort of attempt to try and trigger nut allergies?

Still, at least Arthur will be able to buy a new iPod when he cashes the big cheque from Trinty Mirror, so it's not all bad. (He could also try flogging the goody bag on eBay - we bet it'd get a fortune.)

Vote Dave

Dave Rowntree is taking first steps towards becoming Prime Minister, throwing his aeroplane goggles into the council elections this May. Rowntree will be standing in the May 5th elections, running as a Labour candidate:

"I've been a long-standing member of the Labour party and active in local politics for a while.

"I'm a Westminster resident and in my experience of living here, it all looks lovely - there are hanging baskets everywhere - but you only need to scratch beneath the surface and see that there's a lot of deprivation and a lot of inequality around. I think someone needs to do something about it."

Rowntree will be standing in Marylebone High Street ward [pdf] (the councillor for BBC London 94.9, of course); the official document of nomination lists his full name (David Alexander De Horne Rowntree), which might swing some of the Tory votes his way.

There's no borough-wide elections in Westminster this May, this is a by-election to fill a vacant seat, but at the 2006 election the ward returned three tories with around 1,200 votes each; the Lib Dem and Labour candidates scored in the higher 200s. So, probably unlikely Dave will be delivering a victory speech.

The other candidates for the Marylebone High Street ward are Stuart Bonar (Liberal Democrats), Colin Merton (UKIP), and Ian Rowley (Conservative)

BPI upbeat as albums fall

Normally, any hint of album sales falling will bring forth a BPI spokesperson wailing about how it's cockle-picker murdering criminals downloading pirated music into children's ears, so it's refreshing to see a measured response to a ten per cent dip in sales in the first three months of 2007:

Much of the slump was down to "particularly poor" sales in the last two weeks of March, according to UK music industry body the British Phonographic Industry (BPI).

"Though trading conditions are tough, the UK market has not experienced the declines seen globally," a spokesman said.

"Remember that last year the overall albums market was still up almost 45% by volume on 1997. We shouldn't place too much emphasis on two weeks of disappointing CD album sales."

Blimey... that's... that's honest and reasonable.

Of course, the 62% rise in digital single sales also has had an effect - more and more people are finding the joy of just buying the tracks they want and leaving the filler material sat on the shelves.

Comparisons are with the same period in 2006

Virgin pours out of Wii

In its admittedly impressive attempt to be largely ignored across an expanding range of platforms, Virgin is going to start streaming its radio channels over Wii and Playstation consoles:

The broadcaster said it was a way to appeal to younger audiences.

"People are treating the consoles as part of their home entertainment media centre, and now Virgin Radio will be part of that experience," said James Cridland, the company's director of digital media.

As if hiring Suggs off the Norwich Union adverts to lead a programme wasn't enough of a temptation to the 15-24 year age group already, eh?

It's not proper, dancing around with no shirt on at your time of life

Some wonderful - and extraordinary - shots of Iggy Pop and the Stooges live in New York over on Brooklyn Vegan's site. It does seem the only concession Pop has made to being an older man is to keep the old man tucked away.

A Million Miles: Weddoes tour George Best again

It's twenty years since George Best was first released - obviously not the footballer, who was constantly being released (Ford open prison, onto the transfer market, out of hospital with somebody else's kidney), but the Wedding Present album. To celebrate, they're recreating the original 1987 promo tour, as closely as they can:

23 October - Stirling FUBAR
24 Edinburgh Liquid Rooms
25 Glasgow Queen Margaret Union
26 Manchester University
27 Liverpool Academy
28 Nottingham Rescue Rooms
29 Birmingham Academy
30 Portsmouth Wedgewood Rooms
31 London Koko

As part of the evening, the band are going to play the album in full (the Reception version, we guess, rather than the Cooking Vinyl expanded later one.)

Live Earth line ups unfurled

The line-ups for Live Earth have been squeezed out into the public domain - these are the US artists inked in for the New York gig:

AFI
AKON
ALICIA KEYS
BON JOVI
DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
FALL OUT BOY
JOHN MAYER
KANYE WEST
KELLY CLARKSON
KT TUNSTALL
LUDACRIS
MELISSA ETHERIDGE
RIHANNA
ROGER WATERS
SMASHING PUMPKINS
THE POLICE

Presumably the idea is that by piling up so many artists in the middle of the road, people will have to leave their cars at home as they won't be able to get through.

Meanwhile, over here in the UK, Madonna, the Chili Peppers and the Foo Fighters will be headlining (nothing like flying a load of US artists in to play Wembley to encourage people to reduce their carbon footprint, eh?)

Genesis are also going to be there, not quite filling the Pink Floyd at Live8 slot, along with Duran Duran, Keane, Snow Patrol, the Black Eyed Peas, Razorlight, Corinne Bailey Rae, Bloc Party, David Gray, Paolo Nutini, and Damien Rice.

Remind me: is the idea to try and save the world, or make us feel like it's not really a bad thing if we do drive ourselves into extinction?

Lily wants boy-on-boy action

Keith Allen's daughter has gone off on one again, wailing that people always try to play women off against each other:

"Why do people always try and play women off against each other?

"Yes Amy and I are both English and yes, we're both in our early 20s. But why don't they try and create a feud between me and James Morrison or Amy and Paulo Nutini?

"Or why not create a rivalry between the boys?

"There is something seriously wrong with this part of our culture."

Yes, Lily, why do people always try to make it look like you're picking fights with other female pop stars? Could it be, do you think, because you're constantly giving the press quotes putting other female pop stars down? Or is that a coincidence?

And why oh why does nobody ever create a rivalry between the boys - imagine a story about, say, Liam calling Bloc Party "music for University Challenge" or something. It just wouldn't ever happen, would it?

And Paolo Nutini would last about three seconds if he was put into a cage with Amy Winehouse.

The Beatles and The Stones

The family of Heather Mills' pre-Macca husband continue to grind their axes in public, did they mention she tried to interest Mick Jagger?:

Denys - brother to Heather's ex-husband Alfie - told Closer magazine, out today: "The other girls in Bananas club just thought he was old and wrinkly, but Heather had her eyes peeled for a rich, influential man even then.

"But he wasn't remotely interested. She was only about 16."

Yes, the thought of one of the Rolling Stones dating a teenage girl - it's just unthinkable, isn't it?

Like Costanza, he does take a sandwich and the sports network

P Diddy reckons he's a marathon man in between the sheets:

"I'm strong. I'm fit. My record is 30 hours... I enjoy it. I love making love to my woman."

Thirty hours. Poor woman - we couldn't stand be share a railway carriage with someone as dull and self-obsessed as Diddy; never mind being trapped with him in a bedroom for more than a day.

Of course, it's only thirty hours if you start the clock running as he removes his Elizabeth Duke jewellery and obsessively hangs up his pretty suits. And then tries to wake up his partner. The actual sex is a lot less drawn out, we guess.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow? Wait... oh, why?

We know it might be a lot of good work for charity, but never mind Challenge Anneka - if she's getting Myleene Klass amd Duncan James to cover Somewhere Over The Rainbow as part of an album also featuring Curtis Stigers, Richard Fleeshman (that musical career was worth quitting Corrie for, then) and other such top flight talent, could we persuade someone to launch a programme Stop Anneka. Perhaps "By Any Means Necessary".

Yes, Challenge Anneka. ITV is bringing it back. When Michael Grade pledged an end to ITV cloning other channels' programmes, who knew his plan B would be disinterring them instead?

Monday, April 09, 2007

MySpace - not a sales place

Does a huge number of MySpace friends guarantee a massive payday if you start selling songs through the embedded music store?

No, reports Digital Music News:

In a discussion with Digital Music News on Friday, Chantelle [Paige] manager Gabi Kochlani of GK Entertainment noted that sales were "very low" on Snocap, despite a front door feature on MySpace.

Instead, the traffic shifted towards the iTunes Store, a more well-worn avenue for downloading music. "iTunes is part of pop culture these days," Kochlani said. "People already have their credit card on iTunes, it's just a matter of convenience," said Kochlani, who also pointed to a consumer "comfort zone" on iTunes.

In other words, what Rupert Murdoch appears to own is a site which is going to work very nicely creating a buzz... and then directing customers off to Apple. Looks like he's going to have to rely on those irritating buzzing adverts for a while longer to turn a profit from the site.

Who are you trying to kid, Anthony?

Bayside's Anthony Raneri has posted what ammounts to a curious self-justification on his blog, covering that most important of punk topics, selling out:

I never thought that I would get to the point that I'm at. I always wanted to, but never actually thought I would get out of Queens or even out of the basement. As we got closer and closer to the point that we're at I saw what could actually become of this band, I knew then that one day I was going to have to address this. Selling Out. It's been on the tip of every one's tongue for ages.

Selling out, of course, is really buying in - that tipping point where you stop doing what you do for the love of it, or the belief in what you're doing, and start doing it because you can flog space in your video to Nokia to promote a mobile phone or something. It's actually quite a simple concept; most of the confusion over what it actually means is kicked up by bands who have long since flogged their souls, and mortgaged their intellectual children, but want to still be thought of as pretty straight guys.

Which would seem to be the point Raneri has reached:

Are Green Day or Fall Out Boy sellouts? I have always thought of a sellout as someone who is going against their beliefs or ideals to make money. But even then, who the fuck cares?

Well, arguably, the people who invest their love and devotion to the band, who believe and value in what they do, who provide the basis of the fan base which then gets flogged to Nokia or Tahoe or Lynx might care a little. Imagine if you fell in love, and then - just as you settle down on the wedding night - discovered your beloved had taken a small kickback to install a webcam in the honeymoon suite. You might care.

t is natural for people to claim ownership of a band during their humble beginnings. After all, that's what has drawn so many people to our scene and helped it explode over the last few years. Kids are growing up finding out about music from MTV and radio stations and by the time they find out, these people are huge stars and you have to camp outside their hotel for days to maybe shake their hands. They stumble across this new thing where the bands are just as good, if not better, and they can go to the shows and probably meet the band 9 out of 10 times and even have a drink with them. That sounds like a great thing to me. So it makes sense that when Fall Out Boy are playing at the Enormo-Dome and you can't get close to them anymore, you're pissed off.

Well, yes, you would be pissed off, but it's more about you not being able to close to them, it's that the band are no longer close to you, either. Part of this is down to indie and punk kids being very poor at sharing, of course. But it's not just about bands like Babyshambles suddenly booking themselves into Arenas and getting distant - it's that shift from musicians being musicians into businessmen selling brands.

In the unfortunate shambles that our scene is in these days, the term "sell out" is pretty much being used as an abbreviation for "band that got really big" which just isn't true. Being there for the paycheck, changing who you are for the money, that's what a sell out is.

And when you take a large cheque from Tag deodorants in return for putting a long shot of their product in your video - isn't that what it is?

But, no - it's not Fall Out Boy who sold it. It's you, Joe Punchtheclock:

Working at Wal-Mart or Blockbuster or Starbucks or Target is being a lot more of a sell out then being in Fall Out Boy is. Not because those are big corporations or anything, because I shop all all those places almost daily. Because you are showing up, putting a fake smile on your face, wearing what you're told to wear and doing what you're told to do so that you can get your paycheck at the end of the week. Funny thing is that it's the kids that are working at these places that go home and post on message boards about how Fall Out Boy or AFI or, gasp, BAYSIDE sold out.

There is a simple difference, and one that is so obvious it's insulting that Raneri could even attempt to make the connection. If you're making minimum wage stacking shelves at an Asda, you don't really have much choice about swallowing the colleague mantras of Wal-Mart. If you don't, you don't eat. You're not sold out, because you've got nothing to sell. However, if Pete Wentz doesn't cut a deal with a phone company to include some shots of people enjoying their product, he doesn't not eat. He'll still be able to make rent at the end of the month. He can still afford to have his hair dyed by a lady in a lovely salon. You can only sell out if you have something to sell. And if you're going to accuse a bloke working as a barrista in Starbucks of selling out, instead of simply surviving, you better have a bloody good argument as a wrap-up.

It seems as if bands are expected to just start saying no at a certain point. Do you want to be on the cover of our magazine? Do you want to be on tv? Do you want to do what you love and make some money doing it? What would all the scene watch dogs and sell out police do if they were faced with these questions? I don't want to say no. I'm right where I want to be. I had my picture taken for the cover of Alternative Press this morning and I had a whole box of free clothes waiting for me when I got home. On Monday morning I'll be filming a commercial for MTV, on Monday night I'll be hosting a show on FUSE and then on Wednesday I'll be flying to Europe for a tour and I do it all because I'm living my dream and I'm lucky enough to have these opportunities. Anyone who has seen us play, even up until yesterday knows that I'm still hanging out on the floor or at the merch table with everyone else meeting and talking to anyone who wants to talk to me.

So it's these free clothes and jobs with video networks which are the good meal enjoyed, prickling Raneri's conscience like a visitation from Marley's ghost. Anthony: if you're happy that you'd be doing the same thing with or without some bonus trousers, it's fine. Really. You're no sell. But why is it that those buckshee t-shirts are causing you to churn out a self-justifying thesis, do you think?

As Michelle Shocked once wrote: He says 'the times, they are a-chaning, and you've gotta change with the times...'

New friend request

You'll be familiar by now with Gym Class Heroes, of course. Less familiar, though, may be sometime keyboardist Tyler Pursel's side project, Ladybirds. They describe themselves as like the Postal Service on diet pills, but really it's more like the Postal Service on happy pills. Surprisingly jaunty.

Kissobit: Mark St John

Guitar teacher turned Kiss guitarist Mark St John has died, apparently from a brain hemorrhage.

St John was an affectation - he was actually born Mark Norton. He stepped up to the Kiss guitar role after Gene Simmons had canned Vinnie Vincent, but would only spend eight months in the role before arthritis forced him out again. During that time, he worked in the studio on Animalize, the peak of the brief period when Kiss tried to be something other than face-painted panto rock. St John played just three gigs with the band before Bruce Kulick moved in to replace him.

As with so many other musicians born in the 50s, it was the Beatles who lured St John to a life of rock:

I remember watching television and seeing the Beatles and the Rolling Stones on The Ed Sullivan Show," St. John once told KISS Force in an interview. "They didn't have tubas, they had guitars and everyone was going crazy and that put a spark in my mind. The guitar is rock 'n' roll. That's what it's all about...the guitar is what's happening."

Before Kiss, St John's main income came from giving music lessons, but it was his work with the band Front Page which had brought him to Kiss' attention. Although a covers outfit, St John's talent built Front Page a following beyond the usual local crowd they could have expected. After Kiss, it didn't take long for St John to get back into performing, but on a lower level: the odd benefit here, the odd radio station jam there. These sessions, and some time in the studio, led to the foundation of White Tiger with David Donato. A debut album sold well enough to lead to plans for a second, but not so well as to see those plans carried through. White Tiger split in 1988.

St John filled in with session work - even turning up on some of David Hasselhoff's music (popular, as we all know, in Germany) - before forming The Keep. Again working with Donato, and Peter Criss (another Kiss evacuee), The Keep managed a single gig before falling apart. Actually, playing at a drum clinic barely even counts as a single gig, does it?

In 1999, the Mark St. John Project issued one EP before again sinking without trace; there would be one last record, an instrumental affair, before Mark left the studio and returned to teaching others to play.

He leaves a brother and a sister. Mark St John was 51.

Wham! wrapped, and will never be unwrapped

Despite the ever-present buzz suggesting that some sort of George Michael- Andrew Ridgeley reapperance on stage is inevtiable, George Michael is ruling it out:

"It would "be almost as bad as THE SEX PISTOLS when they reformed"

I've never been tempted because Wham! was of its time. When the group started, Andrew and I were both kids.

We were at an age where how you were developing as a person was just as important as the songs you were writing.

It all made sense then but at this point, a Wham! reunion doesn't make any sense."

Of course, if he was working double shifts at the Red Lobster and deliberately dropping spoons in the hope of doubling tips*, Michael might think differently.

(*Or whatever it actually is that Ridgers is doing right now to make a living.)

Posh pulled?

At the weekend, Jordan and her puppy Peter Andre were chatting away bravely about how they were going to America to knock the Beckhams into a cocked hat (the details - like, for example, what they were actually going to do - were skated over; but even American cable networks need you to do something before they'll give you a show.)

However, it seems the competitive bar might have been lowered somewhat suddenly, as Fox News is reporting [video] that Victoria's much-trumpeted reality show has been iced.

The problem was that the reality was very dull; and attempts to make it more interesting by getting in writers to give her lines instead have run into the problem that anyone who's seen her trying to act in SpiceWorld would have predicted. A deeper problem - that the network really wanted the project for the scenes with David in - can't be solved as David's in Spain playing football. How terrible for reality to cruelly dash a reality TV show...

Lemar: Forget 'talent show loser', think 'Peter Stringfellow on a budget'

Oh, Lemar, why don't you just buy a magazine if you're that desperate, lad?:

"I'm thinking of putting poles either side of the stage and having girls from the audience dance for me.

"It would be a good way to catch my breath between songs - I'd need lots of water though."

If you really have decided that your music is so weak it's going to need busty-dancing to keep the audience's attention, couldn't you at least pay someone to do it? Or is this meant to be like user generated-content for the live arena?

Any Ne-Yo dream will do

More oddness at the Bizarre section - presumably the staff of the Sun were too busy pawning their computers to pay that woman who managed to get herself caught by Iran to say how terrible it all was to pay too much attention to the rest of the paper, but it still seems curious that its report on Ne-Yo being parachuted in to oversee Whitney Houston's comeback album calling the work on it so far unusable and needing to get back to square one is accompanied by a photo of Houston captioned:

Triumphant comeback ... Whitney

Ne-Yo, however, clearly said the opposite:

“They [the songs recorded so far] all had the one same theme, which was ‘My name is Whitney Houston and this is my triumphant comeback’.

“We all understand she has gone through a lot.

“I’m sure we all get that but I think she needs songs about regular everyday life. So that’s what I’m planning to add to the album — songs about everyday emotions.”

Song's about Whitney's everyday life? We look forward to Ken Bruce debuting 'I Can See You Shooting Up Through The Hall In My Toilet Wall' sometime soon.

Newton is Kidmanning us

Great work by Victoria Newton today, firmly slapping down "rumours" that former Robbie Williams collaborator Nicole Kidman is pregnant with Keith Urban's baby:

NICOLE KIDMAN and hubby KEITH URBAN enjoy a day out in Sydney... after fiercely denying rumours she is pregnant.

The pair were pictured visiting her sister Antonia, who has just had her fourth child.

The Nicole pregnancy rumours started after she was snapped leaving a clinic in Santa Monica, California, last week. But a spokesman for the actress and singer Keith, both 39, said the claims were “100 per cent not true”.

Nicole, who has two adopted children, is set to film an outback adventure involving horse riding.

The spokesman said she would NOT do that if she was pregnant.

And so where did these rumours actually find their way into the public domain? Oddly, La Newton fails to actually print the most interesting part of Wendy Day's statement (yes, Kidman's "spokesman" is actually a woman, but Newton's always been shaky on detail):

"“[The report is] incorrect. As if she would confirm a pregnancy to News Of The World.”

Wonder why Newton missed that bit, eh?

Another night at the Ballet?

Although there's been courtroom-centered falling outs, more bad blood than a donor drive in a junkie neighbourhood and a noticeable lack of public demand, Tony Hadley has suggested there might, one day, be a Spandau Ballet reunion:

"There'll have to be an awful lot of things remedied because things did get personal and it went a bit too far.

"The next window of opportunity that I see would be our 30th anniversary, in about four years' time."

The last "window of opportunity" (and we're taking 'opportunity' in the sense of 'a way of doing it so it doesn't look like a desperate cash-in', of course) would have been Live 8, when Gary Kemp approached Haldey about doing something. To Africa's relief, Hadley harrumphed off, swinging his giant overcoat closed behind him.

We personally feel that the Spands should only get back together if the promise to strip naked and smear themselves in Dulux, like with the Paint Me Down video. Otherwise... it'd just be that bloke out of EastEnders and his old mates, wouldn't it?

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Ba-da-da-da-daah, I'm Loving Me

Justin Timberlake is apparently having second thoughts about having sold his soul to McDonalds:

I regret the MCDonald's deal.

Not so much that he's sent the cash back - presumably, as much as it pains him to roll about in McDonalds' cash, rubbing it on his groin, he feels the need to keep the money. You see, he saved McDonalds single handed:

Just like the MCDonald's deal, whose market share went up 25 per cent when I walked into those offices and changed their image... when I did the Grammys, the viewing figures went up by 25 per cent."

He's still banging on about the Grammys, is he? We wonder if Timberlake even believes this stuff.

Let's examine this claim again: Timberlake was on the Grammys in 2007 while he wasn't on the 2006 programme. And more people did tune in for 2007 than the year before. However, the rise in the audience between the two years was three million, to 20 million - which is actually a smidge over 17 per cent up. So, not quite a 25% rise - and, of course, the 2006 show had been up against ratings juggernaut American Idol. The 17% rise was mainly due to not being head-to-head with Cowell, not the presence of Timberlake.

It's true that the I'm Lovin' It campaign coincided with a turnaround at McDonalds - however, Wendys, Jack In The Box and other US burger chains also experienced a rise in sales at the tail-end of 2003 which sector analysts put down to a cyclical return to the burger, rather than Justin Timberlake [source: Commercial Exploitation]; the turnaround in the burger chain's fortunes was also helped by millions of dollars of tie-ins and promotions unconnected with Mr. Timberlake. There was a fairly huge sales bounce but McDonalds themselves didn't really seem to think it was Justin's doing:

In addition to making note of geographic highlights, McDonald's also attributed its improved February sales picture to the performance of its "Plan to Win" program, which emphasizes better-tasting food, improved service and an enhanced menu. In the last year, the company also has introduced products to appeal to women and the health-conscious.

Justin's tinny jingle was window-dressing; it wasn't the sizzle.

Borrell sacks Dunst; possibly to show Razorlight "nobody's unexpendable"

We've been wondering how, exactly, we could measure the distance between reality and wherever it is that Johnny Borrell is these days. Then, handily, along comes a yardstick: He's dumped Kirsten Dunst. Or, at least, they've split, and it's being spun as him having dumped her:

"Johnny and Kirsten had a very passionate romance - they were completely blown away by each other at first.

They spent all their time together. Kirsten even made herself at home in Johnny's London pad.

But now Johnny's realised she's not the one for him. He dumped her at the weekend and has gone back to his old girlfriend."

Good lord. He probably though he was dating beneath himself.

[EDIT: Yes, the headline did originally say "expendable". I am an idiot.]

Bricks and more and more mortar

Chris Martin is an engima. He really is. We're still trying to work out how, for example, he reconciles buying a fourth house in a single street in London; that city accounting for 66% of all the families in the UK without anywhere permanent to live, some 62,020 households [sourece: Crisis] and him giving interviews to homeless charity magazine The Big Issue about what a good egg he is.

We all feel shame in the cold hard stare of George Michael's disgust

Apparently, George Michael has been disgusted by the media's reaction to Robbie Williams. Apparently unbothered that Williams might have brought some of his own troubles on himself by swanning about like he was some sort of demi-god, releasing a slipshod album that included vindictive personal attacks on his former manager, spent time crowing that he'd sold out his tour with more nights that Take Thats, Michael growled and grumbled:

"Take That came back with a perfectly acceptable record and good for them.

But I can't believe the way the media have treated Robbie Williams over this.

It's their dream come true for Take That to have come back and knocked a bit of stuffing out of him."

Presumably, when he attacks "the British media", Michael is somehow managing to overlook Victoria Newton's fawning 24 hour Williams PR stand, her "send a card to Robbie initiative, her publishing of the lyric attacking Nigel Martin Smith, with little regard to the very real riskk of it containing potentially libellious allegations, and so on.

It's almost as if George Michael has some sort of problem with the British press - you know, like constantly appearing on front pages in long-lens shots stumbling out of cars, that sort of thing - and is using Williams as some sort of proxy.

Just imagine.

Meanwhile, Michael has been trying to get a part in EastEnders or Coronation Street. Apparently he thinks it would be a great move:

"It would be a great place to learn to act."

No, George. A great place to "learn to act" would be a rehearsal room working on an amateur dramatic production of an Agatha Christie. Going into a programme watched by ten million people filmed on the sort of production line basis that Adam Smith would think a little over-mechanical isn't really a great move for someone who doesn't know what they're doing. Still, we're sure the other cast members will be keen to welcome you aboard knowing you think what they do is the nursery-room of acting.

Who's better, who's bitter, who's Best?

Pete Best is the drummer with The Beatles. Not, of course, The Beatles, who have split up and spent the last thirty-five years trying to squeeze as much cash out of record companies as they can for each new format which trickles out along, but Pete Best's Beatles, the slightly undignified attempt to trade on his having been in the band before Epstein turfed him out to make room on the drumstool for Ringo. Pete Best's Beatles always had the air of being a tribute act for something Best had had cruelly snatched from him, akin to pornography written by a eunuch.

Best has seethed and muttered and grumbled this last forty years. Now, though, he says it's time to let bygones be bygones:

In an interview with the Daily Mail he said that after the years of shock, disgruntlement and a suicide attempt, he now bears no grudges. "Some people expect me to be bitter and twisted, but I'm not. I feel very fortunate in my life. God knows what strains and stresses the Beatles must have been under.

Indeed, now Best wants to shake hands with Macca:

"We're not getting any younger," he said. "We know what we've done and we're not going to think any worse of each other if we had a chat now. God bless us all: it was all 40-odd years ago."

Of course, the cash he's picked up from the Anthology recordings may have helped him mellow a little, but as Jim McCabe observed when he sent us the link:

Presumably, they'll have a lot to talk about like, ooh, the cheese sandwiches in the Cavern, jolly japes in Hamburg, that sort of thing. I like the way Best stresses he's not "bitter or twisted". If I were McCartney, I'd feel safer in the company of Mark Chapman & Heather Mills than in a room with Best.

Avril Lavigne: Consistent

Last week, you'll recall, Avril lectured Britney about how she should be able to cope with the attentions and demands of fame:

You can’t complain about the pressures, the paparazzi, the madness because that’s the job.

Apparently, though, you can try to have a bloke thrown off a plane because he asked for your autograph. Apparently, that's not part of the job, then.

Gates pulls GAY shower off

We don't know what makes us bury our heads deeper in our hands - that Gareth Gates is so eager to please he'd planned to do a nude shower dance onstage at GAY, or that he was stopped doing so not by common sense or worries that the stench of desperation is hard to lose, but because it was a "health and safety" danger.

Presumably we're talking about electrocution, although there's every chance the scramble of self-respecting gay men trying to flee the scene as quickly as possible could have been a danger.