Five years ago today

Atomic Kitten were considered one of the best non-French bands in the world;
Michael Jackson was kept out of court by a spider bite;
Senator Kenny Murray revealed that he didn't think record labels were good for artists and
Christina Aguilera announced plans to become the new Angelina Jolie.

Hard Fi accuse Led Zep of being cash machine

Steven Kemp - drummer with Hard Fi - has moaned about the cost of Led Zeppelin tickets:

"Paying over £100 for a ticket is a joke. Why should you pay so much money for it? These rock 'n' roll dinosaurs are coming out for one last pay cheque."

Now, we've never believed that 'all drummers are stupid', but Kemp might have wanted to think before shooting his mouth off. What with the money from the gig going to the Ahmet Ertegun Education fund, and the band stressing that it was the memory of their former mentor which brought them out of retirement, while there is much about the ticketing process for the event that is open to question, suggesting it's some sort of big pay day makes Kemp look a little cheap.

Local radio station reshuffles

Another bunch of fiddling with the line-up at Capital Radio, as the new management reverse the big idea of nine months ago, letting Bam Bam and his "hilarious wind-ups" go again.

New MD Paul Jackson insists that there's nothing wrong with the programme as such:

"Bam Bam's best position historically is breakfast, and for him to do his thing best he needs a breakfast slot. He has done nothing wrong, but we have Johnny Vaughan in breakfast," Jackson added.

Actually, we'd say one of the few things Bam Bam had going for him was not being Johnny Vaughan. It's interesting that the new management didn't try to do something to address the problem of breakfasts dragging down figures for the entire station, but perhaps Vaughan's contract would make it expensive to try something genuinely new. Instead, Jackson is reduced to shuffling a somewhat limited portfolio about to no great effect:

"In a straight choice between Lucio's lifestyle show and Bam Bam, who's got a great act but it's more chatty and breakfast-style, you've got to go for Lucio's show every time."

I don't generally feel much empathy for commercial radio management, but when a man is having to make a straight choice between Lucio's world of Craig David popping in for a chat and The Hoosiers playing live, and Bam-Bam doing "wind-ups", you'd have to feel for him.

Gordon in the morning

Keira Knightley has done a shoot for Elle magazine with a not-especially-short skirt. Gordon welcomes this, of course:

WE are so used to seeing KEIRA KNIGHTLEY dressed up to the nines in Victorian clobber.

Which makes it a nice change to see her show off a bit of flesh and, of course, wearing a pair of boots.

We're surprised that Gordon has got "used to seeing" her in Victorian clothes. Perhaps she goes round trussed up in outfits especially for him. Or maybe he thinks that Atonement is Victorian rather than inter-war [Corrected - see comments]. Or that Pirates of the Caribbean and Sense and Sensibility are Victorian rather than Georgian. Or perhaps Gordon just thinks anything before Trainspotting came out is Victorian.

He's also got pictures from Lindsay Lohan's "comeback" advert campaign, which sees Lohan sharing the stage with what looks like Marvel superheroes reimagined by a not especially talented facepainter. Naturally, there has to be a reference to the upskirt shots Bizarre is so fond of running, but how to do it without making it sound gratuitous?

Lohan also made headlines for forgetting her knickers - which could explain where Baby Spidey came from.

Eh? What does that even mean? Does Gordon think that if you don't wear pants you get pregnant as a result? By, erm, a superhero? Or is he confusing pubic hair and webs?

Gordon demands Amy shapes up

Amy Winehouse. You might not have noticed, but she's in trouble.

Gordon Smart - with his magic see-all eyepiece - has noticed. And, rather like a minor royal in the East End, he demands that something might be done.

For reasons we can't quite figure out, he's decided to go with a Trainspotting theme for his clarion call - or rather Brainrotting. Do you get it? And, proving he's down with the kids, he's had the photoshop team create a spoof Trainspotting poster with pictures of Amy's drug friends on it. Yes, Trainspotting. In 2007. We're looking forward to when he gets round to Da Vinci Code references sometime in 2012.

He warms to his slightly dated theme:

CHOOSE life. Choose your potentially legendary career.

Choose your family. Choose health and dental insurance to fix that missing tooth. Choose your friends more carefully. Choose a decent meal rather than mind-numbing, spirit-crushing drugs.

Today I call on AMY WINEHOUSE to choose life and end her brain-rotting, Trainspotting-style existence.

Except, of course, Renton's 'choose life' speech is a list of the dull, humdrum stuff he's chosen to reject rather than what he's going to embrace and using Trainspotting as a model for detox is a bit like picking Midnight Express to make plans for your trip to Turkey.

Gordon is angered that the best Winehouse's people can do is a week's rehab in Israel - "sounds like a holiday to me" - but doesn't actually have anything to offer himself:

In Trainspotting EWAN McGREGOR’s character Renton is locked in his room by his parents to try and beat his heroin habit cold turkey.

So, you think that someone should lock Amy up?

No? No.

I’m not suggesting this is the way to go - but someone needs to take some sort of drastic action.

Yes. Someone should do something. Thanks for that useful suggestion, Gordon. It's not like her family and management haven't thought of that.

"This is a jumpsuit... this is another jumpsuit"

Coming attractions: Opening in Stockholm in 2009, an Abba Museum:

"We're going to open the ABBA museum from June 3 to 7 (2009), it will be an inaugural week," said Ulf Westman, who mastermind the world's first ABBA museum along with his wife, Ewa Wigenheim-Westman.

"It will be an international museum with a lot of technological and multimedia aspects," he said, with visitors invited to take part in various activities related to the group's heyday in the 1970s.

It's not known if this will include divorcing.

Amy and Pete: Hello, co-dependents

The fawning nature of Hello - which has never heard of a celebrity activity it doesn't love - always offers a degree of amusement. While the rest of the world hears of Pete Doherty turning up at Amy Winehouse's house at four in the morning and thinks "uh-oh", Hello! thinks it's charming:

'Back To Black' singer Amy seeks solace in kindred spirit Pete

Amy Winehouse seems to have found a like-minded friend to help her through her current troubles. The jazz sensation has been turning for support to fellow musician Pete Doherty, with whom she's working on a duet, while her husband Blake remains in detention.

Kate Moss's former flame has had his fair share of problems, too, so it's easy to understand his empathy with the singer.

Ah... it's a like-minded friend helping her with her troubles. Possibly even not by adding to them.

Interscope Records move Josh Homme away from Jimmy Iovine for the staff Christmas lunch

Josh Homme has a somewhat low opinion of his record label, it turns out:

"Fuck the labels, man, they suck. The last thing they're stripping down is their own expense accounts and shit. I mean, (President) Jimmy Iovine of Interscope Records takes a private jet or rides first class to tell a band they don't get tour support...I'm not gonna be quiet because the American label, not Canada, not Europe, but our American label's fucking us like crazy, so fuck them...I'm not even bitter, people say labels are evil, no. They're just lame."

"They can't do anything to me. That's the difference...they can't stop me from being me and from playing, but they can lose their jobs and have to fucking work at Shakey's pizza like they should've all along."

"I have a retarded record company. They're all locked in their hysteria of a business that they don't understand, you know. Playing it safe and being panicked have no business in music."

He also added that they've been skimping on office supplies, buying off-brand sticky notes that don't actually fucking stick to any fucking thing and cheap biros that burst in your fucking pockets.

Sparks. All the albums. Live.

The idea of a band playing through a classic album from start to finish is one that is starting to become something of a commonplace.

The stakes, though, have just been raised:
Sparks are playing 20 gigs at the Islington Academy next year, one after the other, working through their entire back catalogue. Then, on the 21st night, they're hoofing over to the Shepherd's Bush Empire to play through their new one.

The line-up:
Carling Academy Islington

May 16 - Halfnelson/Sparks (1971/2)
May 17 - A Woofer In Tweeter's Clothing (1972)
May 18 - Kimono My House (1974)
May 20 - Propaganda (1974)
May 21 - Indiscreet (1975)
May 23 - Big Beat (1976)
May 24 - Introducing Sparks (1977)
May 25 - No.1 In Heaven (1979)
May 27 - Terminal Jive (1979)
May 28 - Whomp That Sucker (1981)
May 30 - Angst In My Pants (1982)
May 31 - In Outer Space (1983)
Jun 1 - Pulling Rabbits Out Of A Hat (1984)
Jun 3 - Music That You Can Dance To (1986)
Jun 4 - Interior Design (1988)
Jun 6 - Gratuitous Sax & Senseless Violins (1995)
Jun 7 - Plagiarism (1997)
Jun 8 - Balls (2000)
Jun 10 - Lil' Beethoven (2003)
Jun 11 - Hello Young Lovers (2006)

Shepherd's Bush Empire

Jun 13 - World Premier of Sparks' 21st Album

Thanks to the lovely Talent In A Previous Life for dropping us the tip.

Management companies want share of second hand goods

How would you feel if, when you came to flog your old XBox on Ebay, Bill Gates turned up and asked for a portion of the cash?

What about if you went to sell your stamp collection at auction, and discovered the Post Office hanging around outside the auction rooms looking for ten per cent on the grounds that they printed the stamps in the first place?

It wouldn't happen, would it? And yet the music industry is trying to grab a slice of profits on tickets sold on to other holders.

It's being touted as a move by bands:

Radiohead, Robbie Williams and Arctic Monkeys joined calls yesterday for a levy to be added to tickets resold on the web to allow musicians to claw back some of the profits made by touts and fans.

Really? Radiohead and the Arctic Monkeys?

Not quite:

The acts' managers, together with about 400 other artists, including KT Tunstall and the Verve, said the move was vital to bring some regulation and rigour to a market they described as "the wild west".

Ah. So it's management, not actually bands, then.

The idea is to form a 'Resale Rights Society', which is being headed up by Marc Marot who was quite senior at Island Records a few years back until his circumstances changed; this body will, for some reason, insist on being given a portion of ticket sales on eBay and through secondary markets:

Marc Marot, chairman-elect of the RRS and the former chief executive of Island Records, said the levy proposal was a "grown-up solution" to a "completely unregulated area".

"The secondary ticketing market offers benefits to music fans and the live music industry alike. It does not make sense to try and criminalise it," he said.

Here, we totally agree with him. Making it a crime to sell something you have legally bought is absurd.

We think we're about to part company with him, though:

"On the other hand there are real issues of consumer protection here. It is unacceptable that not a penny of the £200m in transactions generated by the resale of concert tickets in the UK is returned to investors in the live music industry."

So the "real issue of consumer protection" is that, erm, no money goes back to the music industry? Isn't that an issue of music industry self-interest rather than "consumer protection"?

Let's split out that contention into the two separate pieces it clearly is. One, the issue of "consumer protection". Now, it's true if you buy a ticket on eBay, there's a chance it might not show up - although if you pay through PayPal or Credit Card, you have a degree of consumer protection, and many of the secondary agencies are large organisations; you have recourse to the trading standards just as when you buy anything else. And even if you didn't, how does giving a slice of your purchase to the music industry make you any more protected? Unless the RRS is proposing to set up a fund to recompense people who lose out if deals go bad - which sounds a splendid idea to us; something of a licence to print money for fraudsters who could offer tickets that don't exist, their conscience clear as the defrauded will get paid back from the RRS? We bet this isn't what the RRS has in mind, and the 'consumer protection' line is just an attempt to make a spot of highway robbery seem more acceptable.

So, then the complaint that "no money is returned to the live music industry". Well, no; nor do the Post Office get any money from the sale of rare used stamps. Even Paloma Picasso finds she doesn't get a few quid when one of her Dad's paintings are sold. The music industry sets the price for tickets when it places them on sale. If they feel the price of the ticket doesn't represent a fair return on their investment, they should raise their prices. Why should they be rewarded for underestimating the value of their tickets? Why should they make money off people who have decided to risk their cash in the hope of making more? Either these businesses embrace capitalism, or they don't.

The RRS seems to be like a welfare organisation designed to help rich businesses that have simply underestimated the value of their products.

Not, of course, that they seem themselves like that - as with the RIAA trying to tax filesharing, the RRS claims they're interested in the little artists:

Marot said the move was not intended to boost the bank balances of big names such as Mick Jagger and Sting but to help new artists who increasingly make less money from recorded music sales and rely on income from gigs to make a living.

Now, since Marc is not a foolish man, he must clearly be spinning here. Does he really believe that new artists' tickets are being sold on eBay for massive profits? That the Secondary Ticket market is awash with sales for Cats and Cats and Cats at the Leicester Princess Charlotte? Of course this is about making money for management companies of large acts.

It's also totally unjustified. Marot is right - don't criminalise people for selling second-hand goods. There's absolutely no reason to. There's even less reason to tax them on products they've legally purchased.

[Thanks again to James P]

X Factor loses it

Not only is Dannii's single struggling, but further evidence that the X Factor brand isn't a guarantee of gold: Tonight's X Factor now and then live extravaganza has been axed after only 165 tickets were sold for a 3,000 seat venue.

The inaptly named Futureproof, Ben Mills and somebody called Andy Abraham had apparently been going to show up, although had they done so, they'd have been outnumbering the audience.

Wonderfully, the promoter is placing the blame on this year's contest:

Alan Ruck-Nightingale, the event promoter, said: "It's a huge shame and I can't quite grasp why sales haven't gone well.
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"There's been no lack of marketing, in the Advertiser and on radio and a 30,000 leaflet drop to houses.

"I don't think this year's X Factor competition has had such good competitors, so maybe that's been part of it."

Yes, that'd be it. "Shall we go and see this bloke off the telly from a couple of years ago, love?" "Ooh, no, because this year's contestants are a bit rubbish..."

As James P pointed out when he alerted us to this story, the people of Swindon will pay for their inaction:

They'll be kicking themselves though, the people of Swindon; After cancelling this concert, the organisers have also scrapped plans for a follow-up gig with even bigger names. But alas thanks to audience apathy, Swindon will no longer be treated to the double-header pop-monster that would have been Shayne Ward and Chico.

Five years ago today

Christians pressed comic books into action against rock music;
Marcelo Rodriguez, the cop who waggled his willy to entrap George Michael tried to sue him;
Cumbrian farmers revealed they'd started to name their livestock after Victoria Beckham and
Mags from A-Ha had his statement about the commercialisation of Christmas ruined by thieves.

Brighton bans incitement tracks

It's a difficult time for the Daily Mail: Brighton city council has banned songs with contain incitement to commit hate crimes.

It's a tricky one for the Mail - it doesn't really like all the violent imagery in some rap music, but it also can't help noticing that this is an idea that's pro-gay.

In the end, it reaches for a fudge-headline:

Brighton becomes first city to ban rap music that offends gays

Except, of course, that's not what's happened at all.

The local licensing committee has simply made it explicit that venues which play music which incites violence - already a crime - will be refused a licence on grounds of criminal activity:

"Licensing policy supports the crime and disorder reduction partnership's crime reduction strategy.

"In particular it seeks to confront and reduce racist, homophobic, transphobic and religiously motivated crimes, incidents and antisocial behaviour.

"Particular attention will be paid to any licensed premises where there is evidence of criminal activity or any association with racist or homophobic crime."

The rule isn't about rap music - indeed, it was inspired by Buju Banton's planned gig at Concorde 2, so if anything it's a dancehall - and it isn't about "offending gays". It's merely codifying British law, and covers racist Oi tracks as much as it covers homophobic ragga tracks. But the Mail, of course, isn't likely to worry about fact challenging a good story.

Dolly Parton splits Rotherham council

You'd have thought the burghers of Rotherham would have been delighted: Dolly Parton has chosen their town to be the site of the UK launch of her reading scheme, the Imagination Library. The council has arranged a small jolly for the elected few, with a bit of nosebag and a chance to shake the hand of Ms Parton.

Not everyone, though, is thrilled: Tony Mannion, who sits on the council as an independent, is fuming that Dolly is delaying the start of council business by an hour:

I’m boycotting the lunch and I am outraged that democracy is being put on hold because of a celebrity,” Mr Mannion told The Times. “I have nothing against Dolly Parton. Not that I know much about her except that she sang 9 to 5. That’s about the top and bottom of my knowledge. And I think the literacy scheme is a good idea. My objection is over the timing. We have vital business to discuss, for example the siting of a power station in the middle of a nature reserve. And we have few enough council meetings as it is.

“I’ve spoken to the Labour leader. Apparently, he’s a Dolly Parton fan. I suppose my complaints will fall on deaf ears and that some might say it’s a storm in a D-cup, or double D-cup. But it’s the principle.

Mr Mannion, then, appears to also know about Dolly's breasts as well as her having sung 9 to 5.

Minogue: Slow sales

The question about what, exactly, the judges on the X Factor know about the area in which they claim to be expert rises again: despite all the publicity of being on television every week, and a well-timed release-week "storm out", Dannii Minogue's Touch Me Like That is unlikely to sell much more than 1,500 copies. Perhaps she ought to be auditioning rather than judging.

Kylie's war on strip clubs

Odd goings-on in New Zealand, where Kylie Minogue's legal team have apparently sent a strip joint a cease-and-desist letter demanding that the club removes a picture of Kylie from its window.

The legal team claim that it's an implied endorsement of the Santa Fe Dreamgirls place; as if people passing by would see a photo of Kylie in the window of an obscure strip club and think "blimey, clearly Kylie comes here when she wants a lap dance." Even more bizarre is that the photo isn't of Kylie - it's a random woman in a wet t-shirt. Are Kylie's legal team trying to tell us that Minogue has done wet t-shirt photo sessions?

Pete goes first-footing

Judging by today's Bizarre, either Gordon Smart is still en route from Vancouver to wherever, or else someone has had a word and got him to tone it down a bit; although the advent calendar has returned this morning - now called a Ladvent calendar - there's actual stories rather than just pictures with some text about breasts.

Not least the revelation that the first guest at Amy Winehouse's new flat in the East End was Pete Doherty. At four in the morning.

It's not recorded if he had a hunk of coal in his pocket, or anything.

Grooverider blows it

Grooverider, off the radio, has been arrested in Dubai.

Raymond Bingham (as he really is) was there to play a dj set; unfortunately, authorities reckon they've discovered drugs and porn in his stuff:

Ram Nath, the music promoter who organised the show, said that he warned Mr Bingham of the strict laws of the country before his departure from London.

“I sent a fax to him explaining all of our laws, including what he could and could not bring into the country. Unfortunately, he was booked by police before he got out of the airport,” Mr Nath said.

To make things worse for Grooverider, he's now going to be sued by Mr Nath to get back the losses caused by the set being canceled. First, of course, he's going to have negotiate a criminal hearing in the UAE.

Very, very slow Breeders

We said back in September 2006 that we were still some way from a release for the Albini-produced Breeders album. We still are, but at least it has a name and a date: Mountain Battles, out at the start of April.

Pink collaborator mostunderpaidzz

Kyle Jones, who played on a track Respect, on Pink's Mzzundastood, claims that not only has he got no respect, he's not had any money, either.

He does admit that he's never actually had any final discussion about payment, but - perhaps to focus her mind - he's launching a legal action anyway.

Nokia picks up Avvenu

Interesting spot of news from the mobile phone world: Avvenu, who makes software which streams iTunes to your mobile, has been picked up by Nokia.

The optimists hope this means that Nokia is about to build phones that work with your PC's music collection; the pessimists speculate that the idea is more about stopping Avvenu from destroying Nokia's label-approved mobile music plans.

Whatever happened to Michelle Shocked?

Every so often, Michelle Shocked resurfaces: most recently, doing a performance for Village Voice on the New York streets.

Five years ago today

Having bought a house with a right of way across the land, Keith Richards tried to get the right of way closed down in case it attracted the 'wrong element';
Nik Kershaw had a song rejected by Gareth Gates;
the NME was reduced to giving away free badges;
and Robbie Williams had some sheet music tattooed on his back. Presumably he stood naked with his back to the piano whenever Jonathan Wilkes fancied a sing-song.

Young, women

Doing good things for charity: Cinnamon Girl is a collection of female artists doing Neil Young songs for breast cancer charities. Included is Tanya Donelly, Eurotrash Girl, Veruca Salt and - of course the expected many, many more.

Jordan accepts Heat's apologies

Heat has apologised to Jordan for any offence its stickers caused her family:

“It was never our intention to cause offence to Harvey’s family and friends nor to you, our readers. In particular, it was never our aim to make fun of Harvey’s disabilities.

“We now accept that the decision to include this sticker was a mistake and we recognise that it has caused offence, not only to Katie and Peter Andre, but to a number of readers.”

Now, it's a good thing to stand up and say sorry when you're wrong, but is an apology genuine when it's clearly a lie?

"In particular, it was never our aim to make fun of Harvey’s disabilities" say Heat. So... what was the aim when you published a sticker of a disabled child with the words "Harvey wants to eat me", on a sheet full of "amusing" stickers, then? Was it an awareness-raising campaign? Was it serious reportage? What, Heat magazine, was your intention if not to make fun of Harvey's disabilities?

Hiphopobit: MC Pimp C

MC Pimp C, Cahd Butler, of the Underground Kingz, has been found dead in a Hollywood hotel room.

The Underground Kingz formed in 1987, when schoolfriends Butler and Bernard Freeman - Bun B - came together in Port Arthur. It would be five years before their debut album proper arrived, although The Southern Way managed a cassette-only release in 1988. Picked up by Jive in the early 90s, their first album, Too Hard To Swallow, had some of its shine removed by the dropping of some tracks Jive felt unhappy with; these rawer songs emerged on the Banned EP.

In 2002, Pimp C wound up inside. He'd been convicted of aggravated assault - waving a gun around in a Texan food hall - but had managed to stay outside of prison; however, he fell behind on a commitment to community service, and was sentenced to eight years. While inside he still managed a solo album, Sweet James Jones Stories, knocked together of old raps with a fresh beat slapped over it - although there is some debate over how much involvement C actually had in the project. Talking to The Source magazine, C revealed he had misgivings that some people had been making money from the 'Free Pimp C' campaigns which had been supposedly working to gain his early release.

This year's UGK album, Underground Kingz, sat atop the Billboard Charts and is believed to have sold over half a million copies.

The cause of Pimp C's death has not been announced; staff at the Mondrian Hotel had called emergency services when his body was discovered this morning.

Born in the Stretford End

Bruce Springsteen is coming to the UK for a series of gigs on soccerball pitches. You can wrap your hands round his engine at:

Arsenal - May 28th
Manchester United - May 30th
Cardiff Millennium - June 14th

Hmm... interesting large gap between Manchester and Cardiff. I wonder if he's got plans. Like, maybe, self-catering in Dorset for a week?

Phil Collins brought the Zeppelin down

In a deft piece of "I wouldn't want to say anything bad, but...", Jimmy Page has blamed the failed Led Zep reunion for Live Aid on the drummers:

"I don't want to blame anyone but the two drummers (Phil Collins and Tony Thompson of Chic) hadn't learned their parts.

"You can get away with that in a pop band but not with Led Zeppelin."

And when they came to cart the equipment off the stage, bloody Collins had pissed off in Concorde leaving them to do all the work. Drummers, eh?

Gordon Smart: the sharpest gossip hound on the planet

We observed yesterday that Gordon Smart's coverage of Girls Aloud at GAY seemed somewhat obsessed with Jesse Metcalfe's sexuality.

Now, James P emails to point out that Gordon managed to totally miss the main story of the night entirely: Metcalfe punching a photographer.

So, at least we can safely conclude that Gordon's journalistic hero must be Elizabeth Archer, famed for missing the exploding marrow from her Echo report on the fruit and veg show.

Morrissey: "I'm not a racist"

Morrissey has issued a statement denying everything:

On Friday of last week I issued writs against the NME (New Musical Express) and its editor Conor McNicholas as I believe they have deliberately tried to characterise me as a racist in a recent interview I gave them in order to boost their dwindling circulation.

Although, of course, McNicholas stressed in the paper that they didn't think he was "a racist", but then this is an argument where close attention to detail should be important, but just isn't happening.

Take, for example, the constant conflating on all sides of "a racist person" - someone whose political beliefs have an element built on the supposed superiority of some races, and "something being racist" - a thought or an action which has been dictated by an awareness of racial difference rather than because the architect of that action is "a racist." Nobody much believes that Morrissey is a racist, but much of his thought on immigration is racist. It's very easy for Morrissey to stand up and say "I'm not a racist" - but that, really, isn't the point:

I abhor racism and oppression or cruelty of any kind and will not let this pass without being absolutely clear and emphatic with regard to what my position is.

Racism is beyond common sense and I believe it has no place in our society.

Which is clear, and unequivocal, and heartfelt.

Mozzer suggests he's being stitched up because he turned down the chance to headline an NME gig:

To anyone who has shown or felt any interest in my music in recent times, you know my feelings on the subject and I am writing this to apologize unreservedly for granting an interview to the NME. I had no reason whatsoever to assume that they could be anything other than devious, truculent and unreliable. In the event, they have proven to be all three.

The NME have, in the past, offered me their "Godlike Genius Award" and I had politely refused. With the Tim Jonze interview, the Award was offered once again, this time with the added request that I headline their forthcoming awards concert at the O2 Arena, and once again I declined it. This is nothing personal against the NME, although the distressing article would suggest the editor took it as such.

That's quite a bold claim: that Conor McNicholas has been motivated purely by malice.

Although quite how McNicholas' malice would lead Morrissey to start talking about immigration isn't clear.

My own view is that award ceremonies in pop music are dreadful to witness and are simply a way of the industry warning the artist "see how much you need us" - and, yes, the "new" NME is very much integrated into the industry, whereas, deep in the magazine's empirical history, the New Musical Express was a propelling force that answered to no one. It led the way by the quality of its writers - Paul Morley, Julie Burchill, Paul du Noyer, Charles Shaar Murray, Nick Kent, Ian Penman, Miles - who would write more words than the articles demanded, and whose views saved some of us, and who pulled us all away from the electrifying boredom of everything and anything that represented the industry. As a consequence the chanting believers of the NME could not bear to miss a single issue; the torrential fluency of its writers left almost no space between words, and the NME became a culture in itself, whereas Melody Maker or Sounds just didn't. Into the 90s, the NME's discernment and polish became faded nobility, and there it died - but better dead than worn away. The wit imitated by the 90s understudies of Morley and Burchill assumed nastiness to be greatness, and were thus rewarded. But nastiness isn't wit and no writers from the 90s NME survive. Even with sarcasm, irony and innuendo there is an art, of sorts. Now deep in the bosom of time, it is the greatness of the NME's history on which the "new" NME assumes its relevance.

We're not entirely sure why Morrissey is so keen to share the history of the NME, and I'm not sure its entirely accurate. Unless Morrissey is surprised that a magazine no longer features writers from fifteen or so years ago, he seems to be claiming that the people who wrote for the NME in the 90s have vanished from the face of the culture: Andrew Collins, Stuart Maconie, Danny Kelly? Gavin Martin was in the Mirror talking about Cerys Matthews only yesterday. Paolo Hewitt is still knocking out two or three Paul Weller books every year.

It is on the backs of writers such as Morley, Burchill, Kent and Shaar Murray that the "new" NME hitches its mule-cart, assuming equal relevance. But the stalled views of the "new" NME sag, and readers have been driven away by a magazine with no insides. The narrow cast of repeated subjects sets off the agony, a mesmerizing mess of very brief and dispassionate articles unable to make thought evolve; a marooned editor who holds the divine right to censor any views that clash with his own.

Is it really the case that Burchill and Kent are so important to the current NME? Sure, the magazine trades on the name and brand which those writers helped to build up - but look at the NME, with its Frank Gallows cool lists: do you really think it is selling itself to an audience who revere Charles Shaar Murray, Morrissey?

The editorial treatment given to my present interview with the "new" NME is the latest variation on an old theme, but like a pre-dawn rampage, the effects of the interview have been meticulously considered with obvious intentions. It is true that the magazine is ailing badly in the market place, but Conor doesn't understand how the relentless stream of "cheers mate, got pissed last night, ha ha" interviews that clutter every single issue of the "new" NME are simply not interesting to those of us who have no trouble standing upright. Strangely enough, my own name is the only one featured in the "new" NME that links their present with the NME's distant past, therefore a Morrissey interview is an ideal opportunity with which to play the editorial naughtiness game.

Really, Morrissey? You're the only 'old' NME name who gets covered in the current paper? What about Ian Brown? What about Jarvis? What about Shaun Ryder? The eye-wateringly awful 'get the Sex Pistols to number one' campaign of a couple of months back?

This, regrettably, is what has taken place with this most recent interview, which, it need hardly be said, bears no relation in print to the fleshly conversation that took place.

'Fleshy conversation' and 'editorial naughtiness' - it's like he's morphed into an ITV impressionist doing Stephen Fry.

I do not mean to be rude to Tim Jonze, but when I first caught sight of him I assumed that someone had brought their child along to the interview. The runny nose told the whole story.

Jonze is lucky he doesn't mean to be rude. God alone knows what he'd have got then.

Conor had assured that Tim was their best writer. Talking behind his hands in an endless fidget, Tim accepted every answer I gave him with a schoolgirl giggle, and repeatedly asked me if I was shocked at how little he actually knew about music. I told him that, yes, I was shocked. It was difficult for me to believe that the best writer from the "new" NME had never heard of the song 'Drive-in Saturday'; I explained that it was by David Bowie, and Tim replied "Oh, I don't know anything about David Bowie." I wondered how it could be so - how the quality of music journalism in England could have fallen so low that the prime "new" NME writer knew nothing of David Bowie, an artist to whom most relevant British artists are indebted, and one who single-handedly changed British culture - musically and otherwise.

It is, indeed, depressing and surprising to hear Jonze didn't know the song - although we suspect that claims to not know "anything" about Bowie might have been hyperbolic.

Tim's line of questioning advanced with: "What about politics, then ... the state of the world?" - which, I was forced to assume, was a well-thought-out question. It was from here that the issue of immigration - but not racism - arose.

Fascinatingly, while taking quite some time to detail the David Bowie conversation, Morrissey skates over who first brought up the topic of immigration. Did Jonze lead him down the street, or did Mozzer happily volunteer the observations?

He doesn't say, instead deciding to highlight Jonze's poor grasp of London geography:

Me: If you walk down Knightsbridge you'll be hard-pressed to hear anyone speaking English.

Tim: I don't think that's true. You're beginning to sound like my parents.

Me: Well, when did you last walk down Knightsbridge?

Tim: Ummm....
Knightsbridge ....is that where Harrods is?

So, Tim was prepared to attack and argue the point without even being clear about where Knightsbridge actually is! The "new" NME strikes again. Oh dear, I thought, not again.

This is a splendid piece of misdirection. Again, it's embarrassing for Jonze to apparently not be aware where Knightsbridge is, but it's hardly important - the NME story wasn't built on the question of Morrissey suggesting that a particular London postcode had been lost; that Jonze isn't familiar with the area isn't the actual point.

I chose to mention Knightsbridge because it had always struck me as one of the most stiffly British spots in London.

Morrissey, presumably, isn't that familiar with the area either, then: given the presence of the Egyptian-owned Harrods, a number of tourist attractions and a slew of foreign embassies, surely Knightsbridge is anything but?

Morrissey then details the extent of what he says was a stitch-up:

When my comments are printed in the "new" NME they are butchered, re-designed, re-ordered, chopped, snipped and split in order to make me seem racist and unreasonable. Tim had told me about his friend who did not like the 1988 song Bengali In Platforms because the friend had thought the song attacked him on a personal level. I explained to Tim that the song was not about his friend. In print, the "new" NME do not explain this, but attempt to multiply the horror of Tim's friend by attributing "these people" and "those people" quotes to me - terms I would never use, but are useful to the "new" NME in their Morrissey-is-racist campaign because these terms are only used by people who are cold and indifferent and Thatcherite. 

All of the people I spoke to Tim about in the interview who are heroes to me and who are Middle-Eastern or of other ethnic backgrounds were of no interest to either Tim or Conor. Clearly, Tim had been briefed and his agenda was to cook up a sensational story that would give life to the "new" NME as a must-read national if not global shock-horror story. Recalling how Tim asked me to sign some CD covers, I do not blame him entirely. If Conor can provoke bureaucratic outrage with this Morrissey interview, then he can whip up support for his righteous position as the morally-bound and armoured editor of his protected readership - even though, by re-modelling my interview into a multiple horror, Conor has accidentally exposed himself as deceitful, malicious, intolerant and Morrissey-ist - all the ist's and ism's that he claims to oppose. Uniquely deprived of wisdom, Conor would be repulsed by my vast collection of World Cinema films, by my adoration of James Baldwin, my love of Middle-Eastern tunings, Kazem al-Saher, Lior Ashkenazi, Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, and he would be repulsed to recall a quote as printed in his magazine in or around August of this year wherein I said that my ambition was to play concerts in Iran.

Once again: owning a collection of world cinema DVDs doesn't mean your veiws on immigration aren't racist, and running over to the bookcase to show you can't be bad because you like Toni Morrison books isn't exactly engaging with the question, either.

And - since Morrissey claims to be so intolerant of people twisting and turning the truth - how come he just assumes that McNicholas would be "repulsed" by his world cinema films? And if so, why did Conor grant him space to mention them in the disputed piece?

What does a desire to play in Iran have to do with whether you believe people from other countries, other cultures have any place in the UK?

And, while we know that it was intended as a joke (a rare glimpse of a well-humoured man who has long since disappeared), is it really wise for Morrissey to suggest that he's a victim of Morrisseyist forces? To compare having an interview printed with a negative spin to being the victim of racism? At the very least, it suggests a lack of empathy and self-importance.

My heart sank as Tim Jonze let slip the tell-all editorial directive behind this interview: "It's Conor's view that Morrissey thinks black people are OK ...but he wouldn't want one living next door to him." It was then that I realized the full extent of the setup, and I felt like Bob Hoskins in the final frame of The Long Good Friday as he sits in the back of the wrong getaway car realizing the extent of the conspiratorial slime that now trapped him.

But then, like Bob Hoskins, you did get into the car of your own volition, Morrissey.

During the interview Tim asked if I would support the "Love Music Hate Racism" campaign that the NME had just written about and my immediate response was a yes as I had shown my support previously by going to one of their first benefit gigs a few years ago and had met some of their organizers as well as having signed their statement. Following the interview I asked my manager to get in touch with the NME and to pledge my further support to the campaign as I wanted there to be no ambiguity on where I stood on the subject. This was done in a clear and direct email to Conor McNicholas on the 5th of November, which went ignored and last week we found out that it had never even been presented to anyone at the campaign as that would obviously not have suited what we now know to be the NME's agenda. I am pleased to say that we have now had direct dialogue with "Love Music Hate Racism" and all of our UK tour advertising in 2008 will carry their logo and we will also be providing space in the venues for them to voice and spread their important message, which I endorse.

This, presumably, explains LMHR's sudden yanking of the web posting condemning Mozzer, then.

Who's to say what you should or shouldn't do? The IPC have appointed Conor as the editor of the "new" NME, and there he remains, ready to drag the IPC into expensive legal battles such as the one they now face with me due to Conor's personal need to misstate, misreport, misquote, misinterpret, falsify, and incite the bloodthirsty. Here is proof that the "new" NME will twist and pervert the views of any singer or musician who'd dare step into the interview ring. To such artists, I wish them well, but I would advise you to bring your lawyer along to the interview.

My own place, now and forevermore, shall not be with the "new" NME - and how wrong my face even looks on its
 cover. Of this, I am eternally grateful.

Impassioned stuff. What's missing, though, is any explanation of what he actually said. Yes, the interview may have been written to show you in a terrible light; yes, your interviewer might not have known about Bowie or Knightsbridge - he may even have had a runny nose.

But you don't deny your comments about how "the gates are flooded" or that "the British identity has disapperared" following an "influx". You don't seek to explain what you meant; to contextualise your words. Given an unfettered platform, you simply ignore the part of the interview which genuinely upset and disappointed people.

A masterpiece of misdirection. You have proved that you're not a racist - something you've not been accused of. You have done nothing to engage with the claims that your views on immigration and 'British identity' have racist undertones, though. The support for Love Music Hate Racism is welcome, but if you're going to start throwing firecrackers about immigration around, you should at least have the guts to continue the discussion when challenged.