Hit40UK chart drops physical sales

The chart that isn't the only one which counts, the Hit40UK (what used to be the Nescafe Chart) is no longer going to count CD sales or airplay when totting up the chart positions. It's digital downloads all the way from now, they say:

Paul Jackson, the group programme director for Global Radio brands 95.8 Capital FM, the Xfm and Hit Music Network stations and Hit40UK, said: "Downloads have now become the driving force for record sales, as the statistics clearly show.

"It makes complete sense that the UK's most listened-to chart show reflects the changes in how people are listening to music."

Given that only 4% of the data came from physical sales anyway, it's not really that much of a change. And it's interesting that Jackson isn't keen on reflecting the way that people are, nowadays, listening to music on radio stations that aren't nasty, centrally-programmed, tightly-playlisted formats.

Courtney Love claims taken at face value

When Courtney Love claimed that "a tequila brand and female sanitary products company" had sponsored her new album, surely she was making a ho-ho reference to getting through the recording with tampons and alcohol?

Marketing Week seem convinced that there really is a $30million sponsorship deal in place. Thirty million dollars, Marketing Week? Between two companies? On one record? Does that really sound plausible?

Someone on the internet makes intemperate comment

This website will now report something another website published that it had read on another website about something which appeared on yet another website. And they say we live in age with too much information.

The NME has picked up on The Sun's story this morning which reported a pro-Palestinian website calling for protests against British Jews:

Reports have emerged today (January 7) claiming that Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson have been included on a "terror target" hit list made in reaction to the current conflict in the Gaza region.

A post on the forum apparently called for users to compile "a list of top Jews we can target", which included both Winehouse and Ronson's names.

In other words, somebody has drawn up a list of not-even-all-that-prominent British Jewish figures. Of course, it's a snide and not-exactly-considered response to the deaths in Gaza, but should anyone really be worried? Not unless a paper can find someone willing to talk the thing up.

British anti-terror expert Glen Jenvey told The Sun that the comments should be taken seriously.

"The Ummah website has been used by extremists," he said. "Those listed should treat it very seriously. Expect a hate campaign and intimidation by 20 or 30 thugs."

Poor Mark Ronson, expecting to be surrounded by a number of thuggish loudmouths. Mind you, he's worked with the Kaiser Chiefs so it's not like he's not used to it.

What's slightly confusing about Jenvey's response is his warning to "expect" a hate campaign, as if drawing up a list of people to be held responsible for a different nation's decision to hurl missiles isn't a bit of a hate campaign in its own right. And, in addition, the "expect intimidation by 20 to 30 thugs" seems surprisingly precise. Obviously not as precise as, say, "expect intimidation by 27 thugs", but still quite precise nevertheless.

It actually turns out, though, that there isn't even a special hit list being drawn up - the Sun story merely says that someone on the Ummah website linked to (yes, another) site which had a list of the 100 most prominent Jews living in Britain, which makes the threat of twenty to thirty thugs seem even less likely: if they can't be arsed to cut and paste the entire list onto a web forum, how likely is it that the necessary 3000 thugs are going to be mobilised?

It's silly, it's unpleasant, but not as silly treating everything that appears online as some sort of superplot.

The Daily Mail has a short memory

While getting agitated with Madonna over her suitcase adverts, the Mail screeches:

Put it away Madonna! Heavily airbrushed singer strikes raunchiest pose ever in latest Louis Vuitton ad

Raunchiest pose ever? Madonna? This would be the Madonna who not only did the Sex book showing her being taken from behind by Vanilla Ice, but also did proper porn when she was younger, would it, Chris Johnson of the Mail?

NME takes on the Skins

With Channel 4's radio dreams having been cruelly destroyed by outside forces, what will happen to the Skins radio programming produced by the channel?

Fear not, for a brave, new station is offering a berth to ear-support for the third, Skins-goes-Minipops, iteration of the show. NME Radio is launching a not-stretched-out-honest two hour daily Skins outing.

It's probably shrewd of the NME to tie-up with Skins: the last two seasons had a more exciting music policy than the magazine has managed for years. But ten hours in a single week? Isn't this an idea being stretched a little thin?

So, who's going to be in charge? Gemini-like man-twin James Theaker, to judge by the NME website:

'Skins' Radio will feature two new presenters. They are James Theaker, who is a seasoned 'Skins' DJ, having played at all the parties for NME Radio.

Both will take part in the NME Radio Forum tomorrow (January 6) afternoon from 4pm.

It's not clear from this if Theaker is two men inhabiting one body, or some sort of clone of himself. Or, perhaps, that nobody scanned the article before publishing it.

Folding paper: Radar drops off radar

The actually-quite-entertaining American pop culture magazine Radar gave up the ghost just before Christmas.

Rather than returning unused subscriptions to readers, the publishers have decided to force them to take an "alternative" title instead: Star, Men's Fitness, or Shape. Because, obviously, if your interest was in the revival of 90210 or the genesis of 'charts about entertainment', you'd really want a supermarket tabloid or gay porn for straight men.

Gordon in the morning: Also available in glossy

Unbelievably, Bizarre has carved a second day's lead story by simply copying stuff out the new edition of Vogue.

Gordon's team are still working on recycling the Cheryl Cole interview, but it's possible that by tomorrow Gordon will be working up a think piece around David Bailey's Women In Uniform photo feature.

Today, Cole's surprising hump that Victoria Beckham didn't send a muffin basket when Ashley was cheating on her is the focus of the ctrl+v article - for some reason, Cole seems to think that Beckham was expected to rush to comfort her because:

“She was in my hotel room during the World Cup — we’ve had barbecues together. So I was quite shocked by that.

“I mean, DAVID’s mum is friends with Ashley’s mum.”

Right. So you'd shared a badly-cooked hot dog and a squirt of French's mustard, and you thought that was the basis for marriage counseling - despite, erm, the family being closer to your errant husband than to you? You don't think that even if Beckham was in any way connected to you, she might have concluded that - given the mother's positions - it was wiser to keep out of it?

Punkobit: Ron Asheton

Founder member of The Stooges Ron Asheton has been found dead at his Ann Arbor home.

Before he picked up his first guitar at the age of ten, he'd already mastered one instrument - the accordion. It was an unusual choice of instrument for a five year-old, but he was under the spell of his great aunt Ruthie, a vaudevillian star, who had already tried to interest him in the violin. That experiment had ended in failure when Asheton's mum took the hand-me-down instrument off him to turn into a planter.

Inspired by the Beatles and the Stones, the 16 year-old Asheton made a pop pilgrimage to England, visiting London, of course Liverpool and, perhaps more surprisingly, Southport. He was surprised by some of the reactions:

We got more aggravation than we did here in this sheltered college town, by Rockers and Mods. English people still had prejudices against that kind of look in '65 so we got a lot of flack. We were kinda shocked that "where's Ringo? We haven't seen him yet!" We got to Southport which was a little calmer but still got into trouble with some of the Rockers there- they'd kick your ass if you didn't run fast enough.

Back in America, he and brother Scott hooked up with James Newell Osterberg to form The Stooges in 1967. The trio came together at Discount Records, where Osterberg was working. It was the Asheton brothers who started to call Osterberg "Pop", which got amalgamated with his other nickname, Iggy, to create a stage persona and theme for future insurance adverts.

If Ron was instrumental in giving Iggy his name, he was no less significant in crafting the Stooge's sound: it's his guitar which drives the first two albums. For Raw Power, he switched to bass, edged out from both guitaring and songwriting during a period of turbulence that had seen the band dropped by Elektra Records. Pop had tried to completely restaff the band and it's fair to say Asheton wasn't entirely delighted at being brought back when that ploy had failed. Ron had already struggled with being the only sober member of a band awash with heroin, and his attempts to stay straight exacerbated the splits in the band.

The Stooges finally fell apart in February 1974 while Asheton moved on to The New Order (not that one), Destroy All Monsters and New Race.

In the late 90s, when Michael Stipe was pulling together musicians for the Velvet Goldmine soundtrack, Asheton proved to be the obvious choice for guitarist on the Stooges-like Wylde Rattz. It was this job that would lead to The Stooges reforming, as fellow Rattz J Mascis started to play with Asheton after a visit to Ann Arbor; the band were apparently so good as to tempt Iggy Pop over to have a look. From there, the reunion of The Stooges became almost inevitable, a process which moved from live dates to the perhaps-somewhat-ill-advised 2007 The Weirdness album.

Asheton is believed to have died from a heart attack around New Year's Day; his body was only discovered yesterday. He was 60.

[Thanks to Karl T]

Apple shed core prices

In what seems to be a trade-off to allow iTunes to flog DRM-free songs from all the majors, Apple is being reported as being about to abandon its one-price-for-all stance. Some tracks will drop (in the US) to 79 cents; some will remain at 99 cents, but things that people will want to buy in large numbers are going to cost more.

More than a dollar for a download? Hey, at long last: something that has the very real promise of being an iTunes killer.

Universal told: copyright violations not down to hosts

In a judgement in UMG v Veoh, a court has ruled against Universal's claims that Veoh should be held responsible for all copyright violations on video it hosted:

Relying on the statutory language, as well as the legislative history, the court concluded that all of these activities [such as encoding video into a different format upon upload to the site or the streaming of video] are covered by the DMCA Section 512(c) safe harbor. Lots of online service providers will greet this ruling with relief. If the court had accepted UMG's arguments, every web host would lose the safe harbor as soon as it made web pages available to the public. The ruling should also help YouTube in its ongoing battle with Viacom, which also turns on the continuing strength of the DMCA safe harbors.

It's a sane, sensible ruling - it doesn't remove the protection for copyrighted material offered by the law, but does shift responsibility firmly from the hosts to the producers.

Celebrity Big Brother: What, exactly, is a Lucy Pinder?

So, in yesterday's batch of highlights from Channel 4's rest home for the famous but confused, the producers injected a note of cruelty into proceedings by making people demonstrate the skills which made them famous-enough-for-celebrity-Big-Brother.

Poor LaToya found herself singing along to one of her brother's songs and Mutya was invited to do a Sugababes song, rather than one of her solo efforts.

At least Michelle Heaton was allowed to do a Liberty X song - although that turned out to be even crueller, given that she could no more hit a note than a double-decker bus could hide in a single-storey garage. She was given a costume, in a bid to ape the latex-clad video for Just A Little Bit; sadly, it was a cheap PVC catsuit which appeared to have been wrestled off the back of a burly transvestite minutes before Heaton clambered in to it.

Terry Christian looked like he enjoyed it, though. Christian - by virtue of having been backward in coming forward on the first night - had earned the power of judge and jury over this looking-glass Butlins' talent night, and would later have to name those who he felt had insufficient talent to remain in the house. "Ooh, you've made me the bad guy again" he moaned in the diary room, trying to look like he didn't like the attention - something which he had about as much success with as he did disguising his loinal stirrings while Heaton strumped about in the baggy plastic.

One of those who he put up for the chop was Lucy Pinder, on the grounds that he'd never heard of her before. "I've never seen her in a bikini, I've never seen her with her... for want of a better word, waps out." Really, Terry? You couldn't think of a better word? Really?

To be fair, Pinder had pretty much flunked the 'why I'm famous' round, starting off by once again calling herself "a little bit Tory" (oh, how fantastically contrary for a rich-but-dim woman to vote Conservative). "I don't really like Gordon and his team" she underlined (ah, that sort of Tory - one who doesn't like the Labour party.) She then explained that she felt Brown had betrayed what they originally believed in while in power - but since Brown once strongly believed in good, old Clause 4 values, surely someone who supported Tory values would be delighted that Brown had turned his back on all that socialism stuff? Isn't it a little like saying you hate rain and then complaining that there's a drought on?

Unless Pinder really meant that she thought Brown was betraying Blairism - she is quite young, she might think that Labour has always been a centre-right social democratic party and that, by privatisingnationalising banks, he's turning his back on all that. Unfortunately, she didn't explain further because she then started to churn on about how great her job is - "I met the Bo Selecta bear..."

You wonder if Channel 4 have told Pinder to mention her mushy-right-wing politics frequently in a bid to provide some sort of Ofcom-calming balance to Tommy Sheridan's leftist blasts. Sheridan did, to his credit, take full opportunity to condemn the Iraq war at the top of his lungs - "I speak truth to power" he roared. If Pinder is meant to be the balance to this, it's like planting carrots in the hope they'll provide a windbreak for the rest of the garden.

I'm not quite sure how Ben Adams demonstrated the reason why he's well-known: how do you illustrate 'making teenagers feel strange tinglings they've never had before'?
[UPDATED: Thanks, Gatz, for pointing out the slip]

Download tells punters: We're your bitches

Aware of its position low on the pecking order of UK festivals, Download organisers are responding to audience demands for this year's festival.

Yes, sadly, this is actual news: festival organisers listening to the people who pay their ticket prices and giving them what they want. And even that wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for the recession and the over-supply of festival events:

[Vice-president of music at Live Nation, Andy] Copping admits that festivals are being forced to listen to their fans, many of whom will inevitably scale back their spending on music this year.

He added: "You can't just find a bit of grass, put up a stage, put bands on and expect people to turn up.

"They expect far more these days, if they're going be spending a hundred pounds a ticket, you've got to offer them a really good deal."

The really, really good deal - of not charging them a hundred quid in the first place - doesn't seem to have occurred to him. There's something almost wistful in his acceptance that, oddly, people aren't going to break their budgets to be treated like particularly low-standard cattle.

So, what can this year's Downloaders look forward to?

They include cutting the distance between stages and campgrounds and improving the toilet facilities.

Seriously, LiveNation needed an online forum to tell them that. That must have been an eye-opening day when the results were fed back: "Hey, it turns out that people don't want to have to piss in a small plastic box filled to the bubbling brim with other people's shit and smeared with blood and puke." You couldn't buy that sort of insight.

Live Nation claims environmental issues are top of the agenda for some fans this year and it is looking at ways to improve waste management at the site.

In other words, it's going to tell the support acts to not complain when bottles of wee come flying at them.

Leona Lewis: The book what someone else wrote and I will put my name to

Spitting in the wind, I know, but does Leona Lewis really believe she's done enough to justify an autobiography?

Pop singer Leona Lewis has signed a book deal to tell the story of her journey from pizza waitress to X Factor winner and international star.

So, since her 'rise to fame' took place on the TV and has been played out in the public gaze, this must mean the bulk of the money is for that untold story of pizza waiting.

"I trembled as I walked across the room, realising that he'd asked for green peppers and chef had put pepperoni on by mistake. Should I turn back? Should I go on? I looked for a sign."

Lennon's MBE "found"

It's not actually clear in what sense it was ever lost, but the Telegraph is reporting that John Lennon's MBE has been found, with the inevitable demands that it be taken to Liverpool:

Liverpool Beatles Appreciation Society founder Gene Grimes said: "The Palace are sitting on a unique piece of Beatles history and it should not be left to gather dust in a draw.

"The medal is a vital piece of Beatles memorabilia and should be exhibited for John's fans to see."

Um... why, exactly? Lennon returned the medal because he didn't want anything to do with it, so why on earth should it be given back to him posthumously? And even if it hadn't been returned, since when did the logic run that it must be put into some sort of Beatles museum "for John's fans to see"? Thank god the Liverpool sewage treatment works don't hold on to stuff for decades.

Gordon in the morning: That close to a superstar wedding, then

Given that Bizarre seems to have run stories suggesting Winehouse is dumping Fielder-Civil, getting back with him and getting back with that other Blake bloke, it's perhaps no surprise this morning Gordon and his team is suggesting she's going to run off with a rugby player.

This seems to hang on nothing more than a photo of her standing on a beach with some jawbone called Josh Bowman, who is friends with Danny Capriani. Who apparently plays rugby for a living.

It's all a bit vague, but that doesn't stop Gordon running a think piece:

RUGBY hunk Josh Bowman must have some balls to tackle Amy Winehouse.

Up to now she’s tossed away every opportunity to get back on the straight and narrow.

But hanging out with a decent lad on a sun-kissed island miles from the madness of Camden can’t be a bad thing.

It’s got to be better than throwing money at hopeless junkie husband Blake Fielder-Civil.

Let’s hope this new love for life inspires her to pick up a pen, write some decent tunes and do what she does best . . . sing.

Bloody hell, man: it's a photo of her on holiday in St Lucia; let's not start over-extrapolating, eh? After all, she went to exactly the same place twelve months ago, and that hardly was the opening for a golden year, was it?

Meanwhile, Simon Cowell's attempts to drive a coach and horses through US immigration policy to get Cheryl Cole working in the States, despite her recent conviction for beating the crap out of a toilet attendant - sorry, that should be "[w]hat Cheryl did [...] a long time ago and entirely out of character" - gets Gordon turning into a linguist:

If Cheryl does make it on to Oprah, it’ll be interesting to see how the Yanks cope with her Geordie twang.

Not many of them will know that “Way ayy man” means hell yeah, dude — or that “Alreet pet?” means how’s it going chick?

And fewer will know that “Canny bag o’ Tudor” is her way of saying awesome potato chips.

Goodness, you're right, Gordon. We'll really, really have to hope that Oprah Winfrey doesn't move the conversation on to Cole's opinions on bags of crisps, won't we? Or pavements, come to that. Apparently, Gordon, Americans call that "the sidewalk" - and they say tomayto, too. All the time.

Lars Ulrich offers to destroy memories, second band

Lars Ulrich has offered his services to Deep Purple, should they wish to reform:

"I know there's talk about the fact that if they got Coverdale, Hughes, Lord and Blackmore together, they would have four members who aren't in the current DEEP PURPLE — then they just need a drummer. I'll volunteer myself for that," Lars laughed. "If they need a drummer, David Coverdale has my number."

Lars, sweetheart, Coverdale threw away that napkin as soon as you left the restaurant. Oh, sure, he might pretend he lost it later - "I tried to text you or something, but it never went through, and then I ran out of credits, and... you know, I lost the piece of paper with your number on it and... really? You poked me on Facebook? I... uh, probably haven't seen that yet... um... gotta go...." Whatever you might think, David Coverdale doesn't have your number.

Florian flounces out

Florian Schneider has formally left Kraftwerk, for reasons unexplained. I think it might be because they've stopped making spares for his robot double. Ralf Huetter is now the only original Werkman in the band.

Razorlight buys I Heart NY tshirts

I really want to believe that this paragraph on NME.com is a knowing parody of Razorlight's strange worldview of America:

Johnny Borrell and company will drop 'Slipway Fires' Stateside in March 2009.

Surely, surely, that's NME taking the piss out of Borrell?

Four feet wide with razor sharp teeth

Someone has hacked into the Twitter account where Britney Spear's people pretend to be Britney Spears, and pretended to be Britney Spears:

“HI Yall! Brit Brit here, just wanted to update you all on the size of my vagina. Its about 4 feet wide with razor sharp teeth.”

The team apparently knew this was a fake straight away - probably the correct spelling was a clue; the message has since been removed.

For some reason, "experts" have decided this hackage was probably done by the same person who hacked Barack Obama's account - presumably because that time the message read "It's Barack here, my vagina is four feet wide with razor sharp teeth."

Kuti cuts

Femi Kuti has been forced to postpone his first week of North American gigs this week; he's going to pick up from the 14th in Boston and reschedule the rest. He's not well, apparently.

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet: Twee

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure I agree with the Creative Review's definition of 'twee music' (Woody Guthrie? Twee? Really?) but their interview with Dan Stevens, a director at music PR and management company, Darling Department; Parv Thind, sound designer at Wave; and Peter Raeburn, founder and creative director of music production company, Soundtree about the gentle soundtracks to current advertising is still worth a read:

Yes, it does seem like the Balls ad was the first to have that folky, acoustic sound. Actually, the ad featured a combina­tion of image and sound that together blows you away because you’d never seen or heard an advert like it. It’s really powerful and that definitely has a knock-on effect.

People saw that ad and thought, ‘what a great formula’ and when people see a formula that is clearly working it’s easy for them to say ‘let’s do something like that’. That’s the power of advert­ising! It has the power to start trends (and sell records). Before Balls, there was a trend for finding quirky old tracks from the 1930s that no one had ever heard of. The music that was on PlayStation Mountain is a great example. There was a Wrangler ad with Follow The Yellow Brick Road on there. It’s a trend that’s still ongoing.

Brits nominations announcer announced

A new round of awards ceremonies for a new year, and what could be more exciting than an announcement about the person who's going to read the autocue during the announcement of the people who are in running for the announcement of the winners of the Brit Awards?

Given that last year's shambles on ITV2 was handled by Kelly Osbourne, it was always going to be easy for whoever came next - after all, compared to Kelly, even Fearne Cotton would look halfway competent.

It's going to be Fearne Cotton.

Next year, surely, this announcement should, in its turn, be made on live TV - perhaps SkyReal Lives could bid? - with the name of the person supposed to deliver the clunky links being unveiled to a small audience of half-drunk journalists at one of the swisher branches of Costa Coffee near London's West End.

An ITV spokesperson, revealing the appointment of Cotton, looked worried for a moment and said "hang on a minute... was it her or Tess Daly that does Dancing On Ice?"

Preston goes it alone

You know what's really heartbreaking about the announcement of the completion of the solo album from Preston who used to be in Chanelle And Preston? It's the timing, oh-so-coincidentally at the same time as Celebrity Big Brother is on. Because he was on that, you know. He was the one who had to pretend he was in a band that people had heard of, back in 2006.

Gennaro Castaldo watch: Computers will save us all

It's easy to poke fun at Gennaro Castaldo's willingness to offer quotes on anything vaguely entertainment-related to any media outlet at any time of the day or night (and, indeed, I'm just about to), but it's fair to point out that you never came across a Zavvi spokesperson keeping their company's ungainly name in front of consumers. Sure, the free advertising might not have helped with the not-got-any-stock problem, but it might have meant that a year after the name change, newspapers still needed to put "the old Virgin Megastores" in brackets every time they mentioned them.

Anyway, it's with an eye on the troubles up the road that Castaldo has assured Sunday Mail readers that HMV will still be cluttering up the streets with box sets and ungainly cut-outs for years to come. It's another outing for the plans to make HMV some sort of digital hub:

You'll still find a comprehensive range of music, films and home entertainment.

"But we'll now introduce social hubs where you can access your favourite music sites or MP3 kiosks to download new songs.

"Using chip-and-pin technology you can listen to virtually every bit of music that is digitally available.

"If you like it you can keep it and the cost will vary between 59p and 79p a track."

Hang about... you're offering people the chance to go into a store, fire up the websites they usually use at home and then preview the songs before handing over fifty nine pence for them - using 'chip and pin technology' (i.e. a debit card?)

Why would you not... you know... stay at home and do the same thing?

Many young people download at home but we don't want them to be a lost generation.

Actually, the last time I went into an HMV I was the only person in there older than the next Doctor Who. But never mind that: they're at home downloading, you know they're downloading at home, so what would be the point of trudging into town to download the same tracks at exactly the same price?

"We'd like them to come into our stores and treat them as more of a social space to hang out."

Let's not recast this as a slightly ominous take on 'hey kids, why not come and use ole' Uncle Pete's house as a hangout? You can use the pool, if you like. Or maybe get a shower. Just don't tell your parents, right? A secret between us, yeah?" Let's not do that at all.

Instead, let's pretend we're HMV shareholders, and that we've just come to accept that the advantage of music going digital is that the overheads are at least a lot lower because you don't have to have expensive, physical stores for people to congregate in, offsetting the lower unit price.

And now let's pretend we're HMV shareholders being told that we're going to run some sort of youth club in expensive, physical stores which are selling music downloads for the same price they're being sold online.

Did you see visions of your retirement pot vanishing?

Still, for the kids, it's a brilliant offer - you can hang out with all of your mates, just like in a pub or a burger bar, only without the seats or food or drinks. While listening to the tracks you could have bought if you'd met with your mate in your bedroom. Except, of course, if you'd met in your bedroom you could have found exciting ways to give each other chlamydia - so perhaps that's HMV's big hope: their new stores will be a kind of guard against STDs by ensuring you at least get no further than heavy petting. Gennaro Castaldo himself might be on hand to blow a whistle if young hands sneak too far away from the chip-and-pin technology.

Sense and Sentry ability

While it's pleasing to see the RIAA dumping the foul MediaSentry snooping company from its books and not embarking on any new lawsuits, I'm not entirely sure we should be seeing this entirely as sense prevailing at the RIAA. Given the state of the economy, this looks more like an attempt to cut costs rather than an admission that the strategy was wrong in the first place.

Cheryl Cole: That sort of exclusive

Oh, fiddlesticks, eh, Gordon? The Mail has also got 'an interview we read in Vogue' story this morning. Still, it's 33% exclusive, right?

Gordon in the morning: A new year of Gordons

Given how Gordon Smart had drilled Bizarre and his minions to try and split up Cheryl and Ashley Cole, it's something of a surprise to power up the Sun's website to discover an "exclusive":

Cheryl tells how she is putting husband's cheating behind her

Why would Cheryl share this with Gordon?

The story itself answers that quite simply. She hasn't.

Not only is the piece written by Richard White ("showbiz reporter") but it's not an interview with The Sun at all - it's something White's read in Vogue:

Cheryl, covergirl on February’s edition of Vogue, told the mag how Ashley regularly double-books nights out when he attempts to treat his missus of 2 1/2 years.

How on earth do you claim an exclusive on something from another magazine? Even if the team at Vogue - and it's UK Vogue, not the proper one, as you can tell from Cheryl Cole being on the cover - shared their story only with The Sun prior to publication, it's still not an exclusive because it's appearing in two places.

So, what's Gordon himself up to when his column is full of stuff Xeroxed from other parts of the newsagents?

I PREDICT this will be the year of JAMES CORDEN.

What's especially odd about this - besides it being something that has been obvious for about nine months and is about as close to risky soothsaying as saying "I predict next year will be called 2010 and have an April 24th in it" - is that Smart says this like it's a good thing.

In 2008 I made James a Bizarre Clown Prince alongside Mat, Russ and Mighty Boosh pair NOEL FIELDING and JULIAN BARRATT.

Now James looks ready for his coronation.

Russ is, of course, Russell Brand - you might remember Gordon's boss writing about him in an editorial last year, and his:

obscene bullying of Andrew Sachs

Or, indeed the:

Brand-Ross filth

I'm sure James Corden will be delighted at being thought of as being 2008's Russell Brand by the Sun, then, if that's what being a Bizarre Clown Prince does for you.

Still, let's just enjoy for the moment Gordon's increasingly strange world, where his entirely made-up system of Bizarre honours is starting to require a Debretts of its very own. I wonder if the guy who does Big Brother's Big Mouth with James Corden is a Bizarre Clown Earl or something? Or is that title reserved only for the eldest son of a Bizarre Clown Baronet?

Woot-ton: The CBB "race row" that isn't

Oh, god, they've barely had time to unpack and already there's unpleasantness at the Big Brother house. And, for some reason, Dan Wootton's been put in charge of coverage at the News of the World:

CELEBRITY Big Brother was embroiled in yet another race row last night after gangster rapper Coolio used the racist term n****r - but was NOT disciplined by Channel 4 bosses.

Actually, Dan, it's gangsta rapper and, although it's hard to be certain, Coolio almost certainly said n***a, not n****r. But it is confusing, isn't it, Dan?

The 45-year-old, well known for his hate-filled song lyrics, had been warned by show chiefs not to use inappropriate language before entering the TV house on Friday night.

Coolio is hardly well-known for anything anymore, is he? And "hate-filled song lyrics" is hardly the first phrase that bubbles up when trying to place him.

Of course, it's hard for Dan, who is keen to suggest there's a direct correlation between the way Jade Goody treated Shilpa Shetty and a black Gangsta rapper using "nigga". Since Dan can't be as stupid as to really not understand why one is unacceptable and one disappointing, you'd have to conclude Wootton is attempting to stir a pot.

Last night a TV insider said: "It's as if Channel 4 and Endemol have learnt no lessons from all the previous incidents of racism and appalling behaviour on Big Brother.

"If he's allowed to use that word without any sort of reprimand, what's next? It's absolutely disgusting. What if another housemate uses this kind of language."

Then, presumably, Channel 4 would judge it the context in the same way they've judged this one.

So, Dan, let's get down to it: who did Coolio call a nigga? Actually, nobody - it turns out he was only quoting his subconscious:

After enquiries from the News of the World a spokeswoman last night confirmed Coolio had said the offending word and it had not been broadcast.

She said: "At around 9.20am today, Coolio recounted a vivid dream he experienced overnight in which he had been involved in a fight.

"Coolio used the N-word in his descriptive retelling to Ben. Coolio described how his imaginary adversary called Coolio 'Oh n****r'.

"This was again immediately flagged to senior production staff at Endemol and C4.

"After reviewing the footage, where Ben clearly took no offensive from the use of the word, no other housemates heard the word, the footage was not broadcast to cause offence to viewers and the context that Coolio used the word, no further action was taken.

"As always constant monitoring of any unacceptable language by any housemate is on going and Big Brother is always prepared to remind all housemates of these rules."

The real surprise here is that Channel 4 and Endemol have actually taken a cool-headed, adult and understandable approach to the not-even-quite-an-issue. Still, we'd like to see Dan Wootton go down when Coolio's evicted and tell him off for being a nasty white supremacist.

This fortnight just gone

I was bored on Christmas day: Popular searches on December 25th (not counting people looking for porn, nudity or sex):

1. Beth Ditto
2. Christmas number one 2008
3. Yontube (sic)
4. Zavvi
5. Eric Clapton
6. warners youtube xrrf
7. zavvi closes
8. +91 keli contact email @aol.com
9. ah tube
=10. madonna and jesus / shelleyan orphan / michael jackson healthy / what happened to samantha mumba

(all the above were searched more than once on the 25th)

These were the new releases we plugged before Christmas, and hung around like an unused Zavvi certificate:


Sonic Youth - Anagrama


Kate Rusby - Sweet Bells


The Twilight Sad - Killed My Parents And Hit The Road


Blonde Redhead - Blonde Redhead


Comets On Fire - Comets On Fire

Songwriterobit: Vincent Ford

The death has been announced of Vincent Ford, reggae songwriter.

Ford is credited with writing No Woman, No Cry, although some claim that the tune was written by Bob Marley with the credit gifted to Ford. Whatever the truth of the creation, the money raised by the song did a lot of good - Ford used the regular royalty cheques to keep a soup kitchen in Trenchtown, Kingston, afloat.

Ford was 68; he died of complications related to his diabetes.

Slightly fewer other music blogs are available

It closed (almost) before Christmas, but I'm only now getting through a massive pile of RSS stuff: Farewell, Indiemp3, you will be missed.

Jennifer Ellison offers the benefits of her experience

Don't put your daughter in the Jennifer Ellison stage school, Mrs Worthington.

Yes, Ellison is bringing her showbiz know how to the good people of Liverpool:

The theatre star hopes to have The Jennifer Ellison Fame Academy, “where stars are born”, up and running in 2009.

Modules taught at the school are expected to include "Loaded or Zoo - which one's for you?", "Knowing when it's right to take your bra off - and when to keep it on" and "how to turn a role in Brookside into some sort of career".

Ellison is filling a gap in the market:

"There are not many academies for people like me who do everything – dancing, acting, singing and modelling – and I do not believe there is anywhere catering for young people who want to do it all in the north west."

Perhaps there's a reason why not many academies - sorry, stage schools - are designed to turn out jack-of-all-trades; it could be the same reason that there isn't a school in Manchester which is dedicated to training the softball-playing botanist tuba stars of the future.

Stefani: Gonna make toilet water out of your culture

Gwen Stefani has long attempted to bolster her credentials as being in touch with young people by marching bands of pressganged Harajuku girls round behind her.

Now, she's decided she's going to milk some cash out of them, too by launching a range of perfumes in caricatured bottles branded Harajuku Girls.

Which, by implication, means that she's gone one step further from merely appropriating a youth culture that existed quite happily without her, and turned it into a brand name. I await her explanation of how she intends to share the money she's making out of this project with the original Harajuku - perhaps she'll use the cash to fund some more meekly walking in silence behind her.

[Thanks to Eleanor G for the story]

Springsteen: Superstore On The Edge Of Town

Karl T emails with news of Bruce Springsteen's plans for his Greatest Hits album:

It's a while since I've listened to any of his stuff, but I'm sure that Bruce Springstein has written at least two albums of dirges about big business muscling mom-and-pop operations out of business, and the death of small town America that follows. It's heartening, therefore to hear that he's taken a stand and is refusing to allow his greatest hits package to be released through Wal Mart.

Oh, wait. Hang on, that should read 'his greatest hits package is only going to be available through Wal Mart'. The fucker.

And that girl he pulled out of the crowd during the Dancing in the Dark video? Total set-up.

Having heard his Santa Claus Is Coming To Town once too often during the festive season - which, actually, could be just once - being condemned to WalMart might just be too good for the man.

Zavvi gift cards: the gift that just stops giving

There's some rumours circulating about strange goings-on with Zavvi gift vouchers; even talk of a mysterious secret account into which gift voucher sales were diverted.

As with most rumours, there's a slight element of truth: there was a protected account, but it wasn't secret:

As soon as the Directors became aware of the problems with EUK (27th November 2008), zavvi's main supplier, they sought to protect customer interests by lodging funds into a trust account. Until this time the Directors had no reason to believe there would be any issue regarding the sale of Gift Cards / Gift Vouchers from their stores. The sale of Gift Cards / Gift Vouchers was terminated on 4th December 2008. It is hoped that customers who purchased zavvi Gift Cards / Gift Vouchers from 27th November 2008 will receive a refund in respect of these Gift Cards / Gift Vouchers.

So, from the 27th of November, the money that people spent in good faith on Zavvi gift vouchers was being protected. The wider question, though, might be why - if the adminstrators were nervous enough to think there might be a problem on the 27th, it wasn't until the 4th of December that they actually stopped selling the vouchers at all? How is it "protecting customer interests" by selling a product they had good reason to suspect might be worthless?

Still, if you bought the vouchers in this period, at least you'll get your money back. Older Zavvi voucher holders will just have to join the queue with all the other unsecured creditors.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Managerobit: Tommy Tee

Tommy Tee, who managed New Model Army and The Almighty, died shortly before Christmas.

Tee had worked his way up in the NMA organisation, starting as the band's driver back in 1982. He became their tour manager, a role he filled until 1990, when he quit to concentrate on managing The Almighty, but returned to manage the Army from 1996.

His instinct was to bet the band's future on the developing internet, and quickly set about reorganising the group as a full-service team, owning all aspects of their work - a modle that, twelve years later, is starting to become the norm. It was this self-sufficiency, and freedom from label "guidance", that has enabled the NMA to continue to thrive while actually enjoying what they do.

Justin Sullivan of the NMA said:

"Tommy's death leaves a huge hole in all our lives, not just professionally as the man who organised every aspect of the band's life but most especially as a friend and the best kind of road companion. And this sense of loss increases rather than decreases with each day that passes."

Tommy Tee was 46; he died after a thoracic aortic dissection on December 23rd.

Downloadable: How I Became The Bomb again

Just made available for free-for-email downloads: Foremost Sentinel, a second collection of stuff by How I Became The Bomb.

I collect, I reject: It's not the turboprop which carried him off, but the coffin they carried him off in

Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? Nope? Well, why not treat yourself to get the New Year under way, huh? How about, for example, the Big Bopper's coffin. They moved him to a new one last year, and so his son has decided it's the right time to stick Dad's original permanent resting place onto eBay:

"I have no personal use for the casket," he said. "When you get down to it, it is just a metal box. More important is what this particular metal box represents.

"In another 200 years, will people care about rock 'n' roll?" Jay asks. "Who knows? But why would I want to destroy it? Even though it was Dad's resting place for 48 years, it's also a unique opportunity to learn more about the early years of rock 'n' roll."

Did I not mention he was originally buried in a steel coffin? Turns out to have been a prescient move - after all, if he'd been put into a wooden box, there'd be precious little to flog to Hard Rock Cafe by now, right?

Liveblog: Celebrity Big Brother

The cost of inviting O'Meara et al on two years back: This year, not only is Celebrity Big Brother sharing a sponsor with "prime time on ITV3", but they're even using the same break bumpers. Oh, the shame.

So, Davina - dressed in an ostrich with Freak-from-Cell-Block-H gloves - is here to detail which C-Listers are prepared to risk everything for a chance to get invited back onto the B-List. Brought to you by Dreams, who must also be quivering alongside the collapse of MFI and the difficulties of their sofa-pushing brethren. Who do you have, Davina?

First: Latoya Jackson. Or possible a marionette Michael Jackson. Endemol could have been cruel, and given her the task of pretending she was her brother for the first couple of days, but they don't.

She claims the luxury bedroom, without even a second thought. Her intro tape is actually quite poignant: "I don't really know the world." She's hoping that Celeb Big Brother will teach her about it. Clearly not been sent tapes of previous years' programmes, then.

"I used to be in a girl group" - yes, it's Mutya, who tries to stress that there's more to her than "ex-Sugababe", but really knows there isn't. "There were a lot of rumours that we didn't get on" she observes, before effectively confirming them.

Her diamond tooth has the unfortunate effect of making her look a little Bugs Bunny when shot half-smiling. Still, at least UK contestants know they're expected to keep up a monologue as they go down the stairs and into the living room. LaToya was like a mime.

Vern Toyer was in Austin Powers, you know. Not that he goes on about it very much. (To be fair, he doesn't really want to drag up Shasta McNasty, does he?). He's got a plan. It's an evil plan. Like, you know, Doctor Evil out the film Austin Powers. Which he was in.

As he goes in - the back way, with a woman who tried to pretend she wasn't there even while he was asking her questions - Davina gushes: "how cute!" Not, of course, that she's be condescending in any way. Oh no.

Is "friend of George Galloway" a new political euphemism? It's used of Tommy Sheridan, who seems convinced that he's famous for his Poll Tax work rather than the nasty business with the News Of The World. Davina is called upon to add a bit of voiceover work to try and keep the legal team happy when he gets to that.

Sheridan seems convinced that he's entering the series "on my terms"; actually, he enters on a sea of boos.

Cut to the house, which is currently attempting to earn its entertainment corn by streaming live pictures of semi-famous people reading off laminated sheets.

Goodness, a woman who is famous for showing her breasts in tired magazines insisting that, hey, she's not like the stereotyped blonde airhead. Lucy Pinder proudly describes herself as "a bit Tory", which must be why she's adopted the free market in looking down her blouse.

"Don't put me in with a bleeding heart liberal" she pleads. Well, nobody has ever accused Sheridan of liberalism, I suppose.

Aaah! Ben from A1! Puppy eyes and... what's this? He's dissing his floppy curtain hair? Thinks it now looked awful? Bah, Ben. So, what have you been up to since you adjusted your hairstyle to fit the thinning at the back, exactly?

"I'm now known as a songwriter and a producer", he claims, bravely.

Adams tells us that he doesn't like going to celebrity hang outs - the people are arrogant, apparently. And, of course, it gets annoying being told that your name isn't on the clipboard.

Time is getting short for the programme - Ben is virtually manhandled through the doors.

Tina Malone lists her cv - "fat, Scouse, funny, bipolar, OCD". Oh, and ex-Brookside. It's cruel to put someone suffering from having been in Brookside into such an environment, surely?

"She's lost four stone seven pounds so far this year" trills Dav excitedly - which is really sticking to a new year's resolution with a vengeance. It turns out Malone has had a gastric band fitted, which sits awkwardly with her proud "I'm fat and healthy" claims on her intro tape.

Don't call it a comeback. Okay, Coolio - how about "a last brief grab for the spotlights before obscurity rolls in to reclaim its own?"

While lisiting his desires to be fanned by a naked young girl - "over eighteen" - he also details his wonderful career. I'm not sure, though, but if you're feeling the need to mention a World Music Award, you could look a little like you're desperate to pad.

He goes in wearing a mask on the back of his head - so it looks like he's walking backwards, if you ignore the mask being a bit crappy. It does have a tattooed tear, though - do you get tattoo tears for being in Big Brother?

At one point, Coolio compares himself to God, in a "I'm not really saying I'm like God, but - hey - you could see how people might get confused, right" tongue-in-cheek way.

Bloody hell, did Liberty X really drag on for six godless years? Michelle 'ooh, I were right fat back then' Heaton is next up. "I was married to Andy Scott-Lee for..." (insert your own 'contractual reasons' punchline here). It turns out that marriage was difficult because of the press interest - presumably in that once the press interest dried up, the marriage ceased to exist, like a light going off as a fridge door slams shut.

She took advice from Jordan and Peter about being on reality TV. It's not recorded if Jordan pointed out that her entire bloody working life has been being on reality TV, but since Lucy Pinder has previously implied Jordan is as thick as a kitten with glue on its paws, probably not.

As Heaton enters, Coolio immediately slides a glass of champagne into her hand. He really is slick.

So, all that vitriol Terry Christian got when he was presenting The Word? That was because all the media commentators wanted his job - which he suggests was "interviewing Sharon Stone and introducing Nirvana", rather than stumbling over the autocue, throwing to Hufty's OB from a nightclub in Goole and inviting people to eat maggots. He does, however, suggest the Word was a "septic T4", which only really underlines that he's not been on television for an age and most teenagers couldn't be blinking in "who's he" bafflement any harder than if Alvar Liddell had been clambering up the scaffolding steps.

He bounds over to Coolio and says "a long time ago, you were on a show of mine". Like he was Lew Grade.

"I guess most people will remember me from Ulrika, the pilot comedy show that somehow the BBC were persuaded to make for me," explains Ulrika, "although I'm also well known for my part in the John Leslie business a few years back." No, alright, she doesn't. Actually, she says that "people still shout 'ka-ka-ka' in the street" - and, sometimes, "look out, there's a bicycle behind you". Ulrika's main job in the house will be to be taller than everyone else, thereby providing a reference point in turmoil.

A quick trip back outside for Davina to run through the names again. Crowd reaction suggests BEN TO WINNN1111!!!; however, when the cameras return to the house, he's stood watching Coolio reading out the rules looking for all the world like an unmarried uncle at a children's party: desperate to be having fun, but with the creeping suspicion that he's made a terrible, terrible mistake.

Still, early days. There's 22 days of this to go.

Lest we forget
Ofcom verdict on CBB 2007
The celebrities enter the 2006 house

Happy New Year: The first pointless stunt of 2009

Oh, God, can't we at least allow 2009 to unpack before we have to splash mace into its hopeful little eyes?

Lauren Harris has decided to try and claim one of those world records that isn't a world record by releasing a record everywhere at one second into the New Year:

The single, Your Turn, was lined up for digital release in places including Auckland, New Caledonia, Sydney, Tokyo, Singapore, Jakarta, Dhaka, Karachi, Baku, Moscow, Paris, London, Santiago, Indiana, Mexico City, Arizona, California, Alaska, Hawaii and Samoa.

Ah, that all important Samoan market. As if the marketing stunt wasn't enough of an admission that there's nothing within the record to recommend it, there's also some muttering from the people behind the marketing ploy:

The marketing team supporting Miss Harris, Quite Great Communications, believes it is the first time such a venture has been organised on this scale and a first for worldwide distributor The Orchard which was co-ordinating all the digital downloads.

Joe Arditti, chief marketing consultant, said of the release: "The recent global success of American female rock/pop artists such as Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus and Pink has opened up the rock genre to a far more mainstream market. More importantly, there is a gap in the British market for our very own Rock Goddess.

"What better way to bring in 2009, than with a new star born at midnight!"

Well, a bucket of white wine and a dance with a mysterious stranger, perhaps? Or a firework display and a fondue party?

Did Arditti actually mean anything with his confused suggestion that Miley Cyrus is somehow a rock/pop crossover rather than just rock? And the belief that it's somehow hard for not-ugly women to sell singles to people because they have drums on?

Still, what better start to 2009 than the discovery that the year is going to be every bit as besmirched as 2008 was by duff ideas being sold with the stench of desperation. Happy new year, everybody.