No Rock And Roll Fun

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

At last: An MP asks about booking fees

It's taken god knows how many months of people trying to make the point whenever the government experienced a fit of the vapours about people selling tickets on eBay, but finally, an MP has raised the issue of booking fees with the DTI:

Labour's Ben Chapman said costs added to the ticket's face value should be spelt out, as should alternatives to buying through an agency.

In the House of Commons, Mr Chapman said huge demand had put venues and agencies in a "powerful position".

Trade and Industry Minister Margaret Hodge said the industry was examined by the Office of Fair Trading in 2005.

She added that current regulations would be strengthened by the Unfair Commercial Practices Directive in 2008 which would require consumers to be able to make an "informed purchasing decision".

Of course, this is way to weak - it's not that people don't know they're being hung upside and shaken until their pockets are emptied; what Hodge is offering is the opportunity to be mugged in an informed way: "I'm now going through your pockets with the intention of removing any cash; I'll also be taking your credit cards, and later in this session I shall threaten to poke a knife into your kidneys unless you reveal the PIN number..."

What the law should say - and be explicit about - is that the booking fee, if charged at all, must only cover any extra legitimate administrative costs incurred - so instead of a percentage of ticket face value, it would have to be a fixed price, and one levied per transaction rather than per ticket; the price of booking online would have to reflect the reduced costs of processing, and so on. It's not information that we need, it's fairness.

Sun exclusive: Doherty wobbly

In news which will come as a shock to the easily shocked, a top graphologist has told the Sun Pete Doherty "shows signs of instability."

They ask this chap to have a look at pages of Doherty's journals, and to say what the handwriting reveals. Originally, they were going to do his tealeaves instead, but apparently Doherty uses bags. This is the graphology verdict:

"We look at stroke measurement, not what he's written. The size and depth of the writing and any slants.

"Pete Doherty's handwriting shows him to be a quick and fluent conversationalist who can rapidly absorb other people's ideas.

"He also has an enquiring mind, yet at times he can be mentally lazy.

"Pete's writing shows a level of emotional instability.

"He tends to have a constant state of internal chaos and may have a difficulty separating reality from fantasy."

Now, even if there was a scientific basis to assigning character type on the basis of if they draw a circle to dot their Is or not - and, frankly, it's only a step away from deciding who might be a mass murderer according to how they lace their shoes - since he clearly knows he's looking at a page of Pete's writing, doesn't that throw up the merest hint of a possibility that the expert could be influenced by factors other than the downstroke on Doherty's Ps? "This double underlining hints at being part of a chart-topping double act based on a strong friendship which has, to judge by this exclamation mark's angle, been superseded by a comedy double-act with a person in the fashion industry."

Victoria Beckham worries about her cupcakes

We're sure that all British parents this morning - as they pack their kids off to school with body armour, a sack full of turkey twizzlers and the faint hope they'll learn something, anything - will sympathise with Victoria Beckham's struggles to get her kids even the basics of an American education:

“I’ve had to turn myself into Bree. It’s so bloody hard getting into a private school in Beverly Hills. As a parent you feel like you are on trial.

“I’ve been having to promise to do loads for the school and David has offered to give the pupils some football lessons.

“I’m just worried that my cupcakes won’t be up to standard!”

Goodness, you're not telling me that the school expects you to be involved with your kid's education? You'll be telling me next they insist on you actually attending parents evening, rather than filming an "I'm sorry I can't be there" insert and sending Dane Bowers to pick up the report in your absence.

We should point out that when Beckham says she's "turned herself into Bree", she doesn't mean the smart talking horse from the Narnia books. Which is a pity, as she'd have less work to do then, although the "smart" and "talking" bits might prove challenging. No, she means Bree from Desperate Housewives.

Helpfully, Victoria Newton's team helps Sun readers understand what this might mean:

My design wizards have mocked up how Posh would look if she really did turn herself into MARCIA CROSS’s uptight character in the hit Channel 4 show.

Actually, they've just photoshopped Beckham's face onto Cross's body, confusing "turning herself into" with "disguising herself as".

But it is better than the first try they had, which we've reproduced here.

Beckham has also had a tough time trying to settle in LA:

“David has to be in Madrid to play football so I’ve been sorting out the house myself. It was a nightmare finding a place, I’ve lost count of the number of houses I saw."

So, more than two, then.

The problem is that some people in LA don't have Victoria's quiet good taste:

“A lot of the houses I looked at were really garish — lots of gold, all very Versace.

Believe it or not David and I do have good taste. I like everything to be simple and plain.”

Which we believe is known as "sticking with your own".

Some of you might remember Vix and Bex's wedding, where they were so simple and plain in their tastes they drew the line at dying the swans purple to match the crushed velvet theme.

Topically, Victoria also touches on Scientology:

“Everyone says Tom Cruise is trying to convert us. That’s not the case. When we spend time with them it’s just not discussed.”

Wasn't last night's Panorama on the subject wonderful? It's interesting because people are, generally, well disposed to even the most outlandish of beliefs, but it's like the Scientologists don't want people to like them - so much effort expended on trying to stop John Sweeney even mentioning the word "cult" anywhere near them. And the celebrity interviews, where they all pulled double-takes when asked about the aliens-and-nuclear-bombs bit, as if they'd never, ever heard of that before. If you accept their claim they're just a good-old fashioned religion what does no harm to anyone, you'd not help but notice their efforts to ensure nobody thinks they're a sinister, controlling organisation do make them look somewhat like a sinister, controlling organisation.

But, it turns out, one with no interest in Victoria Beckham. We can sleep more soundly in our beds tonight.

"She's like that Derek Harry"

Kylie Minogue is currently sporting shortish blonde hair and sunglasses, which is enough for Victoria Newton to say she looks like Debbie Harry. Although since when were sunglasses a Debbie Harry signature? If you're casting around for anyone with blond hair who sometimes wore dark specs, you might as well say that Kylie is looking like Andy Warhol.

Monday, May 14, 2007

No wonder she was reduced to doing Bovril adverts

It turns out that, despite carefully exiling himself from all but the lightest of taxes, Mick Jagger remained close to his pound notes. That's what Jerry Hall reckons, anyway:

"He always wanted me to pay for everything to do with the house and children, which I didn't mind doing, I guess, because I had the money. He's generous with presents, but yeah, he's pretty tight with the day to day stuff."

She doesn't say if, when he goes to have coffee out, Mick collects the little sachets of brown sugar to use at home.

Where your booking fee goes

At least when you fork out your hard-earned quids in booking fees to the likes of SeeTickets, you at least have the comfort of knowing you're investing in a top-quality service provided by an international company with a fine reputation. (The dodgy misuse of Glastonbury registrant's data aside, of course.)

Or maybe not. The Klaxons have had to apologise to fans who were locked out of last night's Manchester gig after Ticketline and SeeTickets screwed up and sent the wrong tickets out:

"We would like to apologise to any genuine ticket holders who did not get in. If anyone had a valid ticket for either show but was not let in, we ask that in the first instance they should contact the ticket agent from who they bought tickets with ticket numbers and booking reference. The ticket agent will then be able to check if tickets were sent out and how they slipped through the net."

Actually, shouldn't SeeTickets and/or Ticketline have details of what they sent to who? Shouldn't they be the ones who are contacting their customers and sorting out their mess, rather than the other way round?

Swing 'em for Sting

We're not sure if the weekend reports of Sting and Bowie opening a strip club - sorry, burlesque joint¹ is actually the story that Cait first alerted us to over a year ago, or if they're reporting it again because the pair have found a venue, and some women who can take their clothes off, but with dignity.

There's no question that Sting would be taking advantage of the women who work for him at this venue. It's not like he'd sack them for getting pregnant or anything. Probably.

1: What's the difference between a lap dancer and a personal burlesque show? About fifty quid a throw.

Rupert Murdoch's online strategy dictates our youth

Be vewy, vewy qwiet... it's a secret Gossip/CSS gig organised by MySpace.

CSS explain the frankly overblown rules for getting into the event (Friday in Manchester Roadhouse):

To be in with a chance of getting into the night, you need to sign up to the Secret Shows profile at www.myspace.com/secretshowsuk, and to our MySpace profiles at www.myspace.com/gossipband and www.myspace.com/canseidesersexy, and put all three profiles in your MySpace 'Top 8' friends.

You then need to show a print out of your MySpace profile to staff at Fopp on Brown Street, Manchester at 6pm on Thursday. The first fans to arrive in store will be able to exchange their profile for a wristband which will get you into the gig and the club night.

They don't say what happens if you don't have any wrists, or if, say, Beth Ditto decides to refuse your new friend request on a whim.

Bjork in New York: Security talk

You probably read Brooklyn Vegan anyway, but in case you don't, the BV coverage of Bjork at the United Palace included a fairly mild grumble about security being a bit of a buzzkill:

The crowd ended up disappointing me a little though. Unlike at Bloc Party and the Stooges (Bjork was my third time at the new venue already), the United Palace security was making sure people stayed in their seats (and out of the aisles). I thought for sure everyone would disregard sercurity, and just fill the aisles and rush to the front during "Declare Independence" ("Don't let them do that to you!!"). I thought maybe we'd get a mini-revolution going (Create your own flag!). I was wrong. Show ended peacefully. Everyone gave a collective "that's it?", and then we all went home quietly and riot-free.

Surprisingly, there was a response in the comments from a member of the venue's staff, sounding midway between wounded and annoyed:

I am a security guard for the United Palace Theater. I was working the night of the Bjork show. First of all, let me point out that we (the security guards) are guest of the church. Yes, the United Palace is still considered a church (no matter how many vegans/hipsters go there for shows). Second, there are two teams of security, one is the "house" security, and the other is the company that I work for. The house security are the tall men in suits with earpieces. Whatever these guys do or say goes because they work for Rev. Ike and the church. Third, the United Palace one of the largest venues in New York. If people are blocking the isles the fire department will shut us down. The theater is old and if there ever was a fire or a structural collapse there would be a stampede. As security we are responsible for 3800 people's lives.

As for a "mini-revolution" or starting a riot...are you serious? It's a Bjork show. If any number of people started a riot security would just call the NYPD and leave the building. Just because a singer is saying something in his/her lyrics doesn't mean you have to take it literally. When Iggy Pop sang, "My idea of fun is killing everyone", did you think that it would be fun to kill everyone?

Next time you go to a show and decied to write about the staff you should first consider who they are and what they do. The staff keeps you, Brooklyn Vegan, safe. If you are into shows that get shut down by the fire department, by all means block the isles. Then maybe you can start a "mini-revolution" out on the sidewalk against the FDNY. Good luck with that one.

Good lord. Of course, security do perform an important job, their role is vital and it's probable that anyone who's ever been to a gig where the crowd has been larger than just the bassist's mates has been in a situation where, without the presence of some people in black tshirts, we'd have been hospitalised or worse. Mostly, we're not even aware of that thin, scary line we balance on when we wade into a mosh pit or cram ourselves into the middle of a 2,000-people crush, or the work being done to keep us on the right side.

But that's the way it should be. Sometimes, security is too heavy-handed. And that helps nobody - a security team which over-enforces and over-reacts isn't going to have the respect of a crowd. Telling someone not to stand up and dance in their seat because it would cause the horrible, burning deaths of thousands of people isn't going to win respect. Posting a hectoring response to someone jokingly suggesting that over-emphatic security had killed the chance of a revoution isn't going to win respect. And security that has lost the respect of the people it works for is, ultimately, security that has lost the confidence of the people it works for. That's as true in a semi-converted church as a broken nation.

Re-Genesis

VH1 have created their own answer to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, presumably thinking that anything that doesn't involve a trip to Ohio has to be a bonus. And it's a way of tempting back groups who would consider themselves above that series where they try to reunite groups for a bit of a laugh.

So it is that the first ever VH1 Rock Horrors was born. Sorry, that's Rock Honours. Agreeing to come ("Chosen for the honours") were ZZ Top, Ozzy Osbourne and Genesis, who did agree to play together for the first time in fifteen years, but sadly drew the line at calling themselves Genezzis to make it a hattrick of double-z bands.

Nickelback showed their respect for ZZ Top by doing a cover of Sharp Dressed Man - presumably they thought it would be too risky for sometimes-soused driver Chad Kroeger to drive onto the stage in the ZZ Top car, although it's arguable he'd have done less damage than he did on the Top back catalogue.

Keane also turned up to do something; and the whole thing was held together by Robin Williams as host - presumably chosen as he was last culturally relevant at roughly the same time any of the winners were.

Ozzy Osbourne advertises an oily butter replacement.

The forgotten wars

Did you know Fergie and Nelly Furtado are currently caught in a war of words? Nope, us neither. But apparently Fergie has reneged on a ceasefire agreement, causing Furtado to appeal over her, erm, lovely lady lumps direct to the people:

"We spoke about it face to face... We kinda cleared it up about a month ago... I thought it was water under the bridge.

I threw the first punch, technically, thinking she had thrown the first punch. She told me she did not and then I said, 'You know what, I'm sorry...'

I'm sure we'll be friends again in the future.

I'm not a bully, I'm just an artist and when you're an artist you have a certain artistic license and when you feel things intuitively and you feel like you've been insulted or hurt you just react."

Although, of course, it seems that Nelly doesn't extend that artistic licence to Fergie.

About as popular as Scooch in Albania

Of course, it might be a brilliant comedic triumph, but we have to wonder: if someone sets out to make a movie which is a parody of the Eurovision Song Contest, haven't they missed the event's ability to send itself up perfectly well with no outside help?

Global Looza

Lollapalooza, the regular chance for young Americans to see some bands which are teetering on the edge of retirement, is going to go worldwide, says Perry Farrell:

"I'm going to look to take it global."

Blimey. But don't start to dream of making a fortune scalping LollapaEarth tickets on eBay just yet. He's talking about some time before, erm, 2017:

"I want to put together an event around the world in the next 10 years that will refashion, redress, and transform. It's something I'm looking into now, and if it happens, it will happen quick. That's my ambition."

We're not quite sure how something can take ten years and be quick, unless it's a Brian Eno project of some sort, but we're sure he's got it all planned. We're also not sure how an event which had to abandon traveling around the US is suddenly going to be shifting from nation to nation. But we're sure he's got that planned, too.

Trent Reznor: Nine Inch Nails fans are being ripped off.

Not by him, of course - by the record label. He's posted an angry dig at Universal:

As the climate grows more and more desperate for record labels, their answer to their mostly self-inflicted wounds seems to be to screw the consumer over even more. A couple of examples that quickly come to mind:

* The ABSURD retail pricing of Year Zero in Australia. Shame on you, UMG. Year Zero is selling for $34.99 Australian dollars ($29.10 US). No wonder people steal music. Avril Lavigne's record in the same store was $21.99 ($18.21 US).
By the way, when I asked a label rep about this his response was: "It's because we know you have a real core audience that will pay whatever it costs when you put something out - you know, true fans. It's the pop stuff we have to discount to get people to buy."

So... I guess as a reward for being a "true fan" you get ripped off.

* The dreaded EURO Maxi-single. Nothing but a consumer rip-off that I've been talked into my whole career. No more.

The point is, I am trying my best to make sure the music and items NIN puts in the marketplace have value, substance and are worth you considering purchasing. I am not allowing Capital G to be repackaged into several configurations that result in you getting ripped off.

We are planning a full-length remix collection of substance that will be announced soon.

Still, it must be nice for NIN fans to be considered so hardcore they'll pay for their devotion.

Gore blimey

We're not certain, but there's a gentle lapping of rising waters of desperation in Al Gore rolling up his sleeves to beg for participation in the Brazil part of Live Earth:

"I want to invite every person who cares about the environment in Brazil to come to the event here in Rio," he said.

Since the country is four and half thousand kilometres long and four thousand kilometres wide, you might think that the kindest thing for the environment would be for people living outside Rio to not make a massive trek across the nation, burning fossil fuels on the way. Gore threw open his invitation during a visit to Rio, part of a whistle-stop tour of South American capitals to warn the world against needless consumption of scarce resources. Don't worry, he made the journey in a coracle, powered by the burning of uncounted Floridian ballots.

Meanwhile, Bob Geldof has had a go at Gore. He's less than impressed with Live Earth, and not only because none of the seven nation's organisers have yet to offer him a slot to do I Don't Like Mondays:

"I hope they're a success," De Volkskrant newspaper quoted Geldof as saying in an interview.

"But why is (Gore) actually organizing them? To make us aware of the greenhouse effect? Everybody's known about that problem for years. We are all (expletive) conscious of global warming,"

Unlike, of course, the African debt crisis, which was known only to fourteen sub-Saharan finance ministers and Bono and Bob prior to the Live 8 concerts.

"I would only organize (Live Earth) if I could go on stage and announce concrete environmental measures from the American presidential candidates, Congress or major corporations," he told the newspaper. "They haven't got those guarantees, so it's just an enormous pop concert or the umpteenth time that, say, Madonna or Coldplay get up on stage."

Unlike Live 8, of course, when the umpteenth minus one time Coldplay and Madonna got on stage had almost magical effects.

Geldof also criticized the former vice president's choice of the name Live Earth.

"It sounds like Live 8," he told the paper. "We're getting lots of responses from people who think we are organizing it."

Of course you are, Bob. And Peaches is having to turn down all sort of djing jobs left, right and centre.

If we were Al Gore, we'd invite the rump of the Boomtown Rats to play. Without Bob.

[Thanks to Joe for the tip on the Geldof stuff]

Newcastle Brown trails

And it's not just Newcastle, as that's just the start of a mammoth Ian Brown tour:

Newcastle Academy (September 27)
Hull City Hall (28)
Sheffield Octagon (29)
Middlesbrough Town Hall (October 1)
Lincoln Engine Shed (2)
Halifax Victoria Hall (3)
Leeds University (5)
Warrington Parr Hall (6)
Dundee Caird Hall (8)
Motherwell Civic Hall (9)
Edinburgh Corn Exchange (10)
Llandudno Venue Cymru Arena (12)
Preston Guildhall (13)
Derby Assembly Rooms (15)
Nottingham Rock City (16)
Reading Hexagon (18)
Birmingham Academy (19)
Cambridge Corn Exchange (20)
Southampton Guildhall (22)
Folkestone Leas Cliff Hall (23)
Bristol Academy (25)
Liverpool University (26)

That's a load of gigs - it must be in the back of his mind that a Stone Roses reunion, he could do three nights at the Manchester Apollo and make twice as much as for the whole of this tour. The state of the Cambridge Corn Exchange changing rooms is exactly equal to the price of integrity.

Allen decides to abandon role-modelling

We've never quite bought Lily Allen's protesting-too-much about body size schtick: it's always been somewhat laughable that the slim Ms Allen has tried to suggest that she's a normal body shape. Sure, she's closer to an average size than Cheryl Tweedy, but the way she's always spoken of herself as if she was only a Jammy Dodger away from turning into Beth Ditto has always smelled of publicity seeking rather than honest self-assessment.

Even so, her I'm fat post brings us no pleasure:

"Fat, ugly and shitter than Winehouse - that is all I am. I'm on my own in America again.

"I used to pride myself on being strong-minded and not being some stupid girl obsessed with the way I look. I felt like it didn't matter if I was a bit chubby 'cos I'm not a model, I'm a singer.

"I'm afraid I am not strong and have fallen victim to the evil machine. I write to you in a sea of tears from my hotel bed in Seattle. I have spent the past hour researching gastric bypass surgery and laser liposuction."

The trouble with taking up the banner to fight for the outsiders is that, even if you're only really doing it as a marketing ploy, you might find yourself identifying with those outsiders a little too much.

Kylie tries to move in; house prices rocket; whole area could blow sky-high

Kylie Minogue is, apparently, thinking of following in Julie Burchill's shoes. No, no, not Tony Parsons. Moving to Brighton, along the seafront. Shoreham, actually. Quite near Zoe Ball and Norman Cook, in fact, and the recently vacated home of Heather Mills.

Sadly, it's also near a proposed store for chemical fertilizers, like the ones they were going to use to blow all symbols of the louche Western sin-society up with the other year.

Kirstie and Phil would suggest this an excellent bargaining chip to get some movement on the price. If you don't mind the risk of dock worker body parts raining down on your exclusive sun terrace at some point in the future.

Having been born in Brighton, I still can't quite get used to the idea of Shoreham being talked about as a cool, groovy, property hotspot. Good for second hand car parts and chips, yes, but home to genuine pop royalty? Isn't that Kemp Town's job?

Elvis Cost Hello

Elvis Costello has always nurtured his reputation as valuing his work, if not above rubies, then at least above jingles for cornflakes. Sure, his pappy might have taken the R White lemonade shilling, but that wasn't a route Costello would go down.

Jim McCabe has just pointed out to us that now, though, Costello is doing adverts. And for Lexus, the carbon-emitter of choice for Alan Partridge.

Even more seedily, he's doing gigs for which you can only pay using a specific brand of credit card. Now, we can understand smaller, less rich acts reluctantly signing up to do gigs where fans get excluded if they happen to be on the wrong, or no, mobile network. But when you're rich as Costello, doing gigs that exist solely to try and shore up one credit card over another? It's one thing to sell out, but to sell out with a "We accept Visa" notice hanging around your soul is quite another.

English women now Shaggy enough

We might be a nation cowed by having to choose between the Grantham Grocer and the Stoke soak for our icon, we might be the home of Scooch, but at least there's good news from one corner. Shaggy has deemed English women fit to date:

“English women are starting to look better now.

“Back in the day I had a couple of restrictions here and there. You know they weren't great.

“But I think they're evolving over time.”

Yeah, we hear they've even got prehensile thumbs in the West Midlands now. Still, the rest of the world's women can take comfort, as Shaggy thinks they've all done very well:

"Women in general are getting better looking because you can now buy your looks.

“You can go out and buy a boob here, buy a boob there, get liposuction."

We're not quite sure why Shaggy dreams of a woman with four breasts; but if that's the way he thinks about them it's probable he's never seen one naked so maybe he doesn't know what number to expect.

A spokesperson for all the English women welcomed Shaggy's generous comments, but declined the offer: "It's great that Shaggy thinks we now come up to his standards. Unfortunately, since he still is as greasy as the mechanic who fixes the deep fat fryers in the local chipshop, we'll pass, thank you."

A spokesperson for Women In General added: "Shaggy's suggestions that we have taken a great leap forward in being able to mutilate ourselves in order to live up to his expectations have been noted. In the same spirit, we shall be forwarding on a number of emails we've received this morning which offer help to gentlemen with erectile disfunction."

Robbie Williams is not dead, or from outside the UK

It's not often we'd find ourselves seriously thinking about supporting Robbie Williams in anything, but when he's up against Thatcher, you'd have to consider it.

This is The Sun's Greatest Living Briton thing (we're not sure 'competition' quite fits the event), which somehow has managed to come up with a shortlist of The Queen, Thatcher, Williams, McCartney and, erm, Julie Andrews. With that line-up, we should perhaps make it clear they're talking about Margaret Thatcher, and not Carol, or even Mark. It's interesting that the paper didn't feel comfortable about alienating the readers in the nations of the Kingdom by calling it 'Greatest Living Englishperson', but then went with an all-English shortlist anyway.

You might think that finding a way to justify a self-pitying, drug-and-drink sodden silly arse who prefers to hang out in LA than the UK being on the shortlist would prove a challenge. But the paper has managed to find a justification - he used to be patron of a charity. They even find a little boy to claim that he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for Williams:

“Robbie is the best because he’s helped to make me better and he’s helped lots of other children too — and his songs are great!”

So, did Williams meet with Rhys?

Erm, no:

“I’d like to meet Robbie and say hello."

You might ask why, if he's so great, he's the ex-patron of the charity.

On the other hand, Robbie Williams hasn't ever attempted to crush the right of working people to have collectively-bargained wage settlements, or flogged off the water companies. So he's not all bad.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Ferry docked

His "goodness, I merely meant I liked the cut of their suits, not the thrust of their policy" apology seems to have been too little, too late: Bryan Ferry has been dropped from the Marks & Spencers campaign.

An M&S spokeswoman said none of its models are on an ongoing contract, and that it would be "really unusual" for any of them to work with them for more than two seasons. She added that "no further executions are planned" of the Ferry campaign.

Bryan, of course, will be disappointed by that - after all, someone who has expressed his admiration for the way the Nazis got across their message would have been hoping for an ongoing series of executions. Possibly until an entire village had been wiped out.

Ferry's minister for propganda has denied he's been dropped. Merely not reinvited:

Stephen Howard, his manager, denied that Ferry had been officially "dropped" and said that the original deal signed with the retailer had only been for two photo shoots for two campaigns.

"Technically he fulfilled the obligations of the contract when he did the last photoshoot," said Mr Howard. "It was a successful association for both parties."

Well, until Bryan started doing the funny walk. If only he'd done the Jimmy Cagney.

Baker has a go at Mills. Again.

Geoff, give it up. You're not going to get back into Paul McCartney's good offices by slagging off Heather Mills. If that was going to work, Victoria Newton would be the third Mrs McCartney by now.

Geoff fumes:

"I don't like Heather. She knows that, although she was always pleasant enough to my face.

I'm sure she'll be a huge act in America. She doesn't have one particular talent but she doesn't need one. "Fame isn't predicated on talent anymore.

To some extent I do admire her. But I don't like her."

C'mon, Geoff. We've all seen the German 'education' books. She's got at least one talent.

Brown: I'm the Daddy

Having clarified yesterday that Bobby Brown has no sense of humour when it comes to suggestions of even the mildest boy-on-boy action, we today discover that he does like a good laugh, nevertheless.

Despite his seemingly constant periods spent in jail for falling down on fatherhood when it requires little more than sending off a cheque every month, Bobby is suing Whitney to get more access to their daughter, Bobbi Kris.

Brown is keen to beat down the suggestion that he's a deadbeat dad. Although his reasons for seeking a change in the terms of the custody agreement don't entirely inspire confidence:

After Whitney and I separated, I had nowhere to go and very little money to live on. I was, for all intents and purposes, homeless." That's why he failed to respond to Whitney's petition for custody in time, and why she was ultimately deemed the primary parent.

Yes, his case is "sorry I didn't say anything at the time, but I was living like some sort of tramp in a lay-by". That'll work.

Paris Hilton gets some motherly advice

What Paris Hilton really needs in her life, of course, is someone who can offer some good, honest, open advice. We're not sure we'd have suggested that Tori Spelling's mum would be the ideal person for the role, what with her track record and everything, but Annie Sugden's dead and wasn't real to begin with, and Victoria Gillick is remaining uncharacteristically quiet. So Candy Spelling it is, then:

Dear Paris,

As someone who has known you for most of your life, I pay special attention to your press coverage. (Apparently, I'm not alone, based on the responses every word about you creates on TMZ.com and elsewhere.)

Paris, I'm very worried about you. The last week has not only been an obvious roller-coaster for you emotionally, but your strategy went from blaming employees and stating silly excuses like, "I don't read," to your new lawyer's tactic to have you sound mature and take some responsibility. In between, the paparazzi continue to follow you shopping and taking self-defense classes (to protect yourself in jail?), and some over-zealous friends staged embarrassing protests (three people?), and wasted taxpayer funds with a petition to pardon you.

People who are rich and famous are not treated like "regular" people, even though you claim to now be just like everyone else. In most situations, your privileged life works to your benefit. You have opportunities, access and resources like few others; and frankly, you can get away with more bad behavior and excuses than most people could even imagine. However, as the real possibility of jail approaches -- whether it's 21 days or 45 or whatever the latest report is -- it's time to get real. It's time to find "a Paris" somewhere between "heiress" and a character on "The Simple Life." I know she's there, and I know she can be a good citizen and maturely face consequences other people would have to face under the same circumstances.

I am sorry you have been sentenced to jail. I can't think of too much that would be worse. But since you let this happen, use the next couple of weeks preparing not only by publicly learning to fight (not a good message to fellow inmates), but by looking around, realizing that you are not as truly entitled as your money implies. You are a young woman who can add more to her community than establishing new definitions for infamy.

Best,

Candy Spelling

Sorry, did we say this was motherly advice? What we meant was "the equivalent of one person asking another at a dinner party, with all the sincerity they can muster 'is there anything we can do to help your grandchild out of jail and off those damn drugs?'"

A dropper across the ocean

The Pipettes have lined up a US and Canada tour, with only the merest hint that they might be able to capitalise on a Spector-trial influenced fascination with girl bands.

The dates are:
Toronto, ONT Lee's Palace (June 1)
Washington DC Black Cat (2)
Philadelphia, PA First Unitarian Church (3)
Boston, MA Great Scott (4)
New York, NY Highline Ballroom (5)
Chicago, IL Empty Bottle (7)
Minneapolis, MN 7th Street Entry (8)
San Diego, CA Casbah (10)
Los Angeles, CA Troubadour (11)
San Francisco, CA Popscene's Rickshaw Stop (12)
Seattle, WA Chop Suey (14)
Vancouver, BC Plaza Club (15)

Sinitta (Clothes judge's own)

Sinitta shouldn't be too upset that Simon Cowell turned down her requests for a clothing allowance to be a judge on the Grease programme on ITV. It's not like anyone's watching it, is it?

Mind you, it's a bit rich of Cowell to insist that the judges wear their own clothes. After all, the programme has been pinched from BBC America, so if ITV is happily wrapping its Saturday nights in someone else's designs, why shouldn't the judges?

Barat: Libertines reunite - if Doherty remains alive

Tucked into the "isn't the art world crazy" report on Pete Doherty's paintings, Zoe in the Sunday Mirror catches up with Carl Barat, the Bewes to Pete's Bolam:

"Pete ended up in the nick last week - I don't think he'll ever change.

"I love Pete like a brother and I am working with him again. But he could end up dead in a few years if he doesn't sort himself out.

"We were in the studio last week and should have something by the end of next year."

You'd have to question the nose for a story of someone who gets a juicy 'Libertines reunion - by the end of next year' story from the horse's mouth, and buries it in a ho-hum 'the prices on modern art' piece.

Feel the fur and do it anyway

Jennifer Lopez's love of draping herself in the pelts of slaughtered creatures is causing her some problems. Apparently, she's been getting death threats from what the News of the World call "animal rights nuts". Interestingly, there seems to be some attempt in the reporting to comflate the mainstream PETA with the slightly more hideline death threaters:

My insider said: "Jen is absolutely terrified. The death threats have demanded she stop wearing animal skin.

"The letters were sent directly to her home and she's scared for her life."

J-Lo, 37, is so frightened that hubby MARC ANTHONY, 38, has had to tell her security entourage to work around the clock.

[...]

In 2005 more than one hundred protesters from PETA demonstrated at the Los Angeles premiere of J-Lo's film Monster In Law.

An insider said: "Groups like PETA have hated Jen for years and have made threats before.

"Fur is making a comeback in the US. It's fashionable again and the animal rights groups blame celebrities like Jennifer because of it."

It's more than a little unhelpful to suggest that peaceful, lawful pressure groups and criminal activists are one and the same. Unless, of course, you're trying to make the public think that anyone who's committed to anything is some sort of terrorist.