No Rock And Roll Fun

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Blakes apart

Jack Bynoe emails to point out the Daily Mail has shunned Gordon Smart's confusing Blake I, Blake II nomenclature for Amy Winehouse's brace of Blakes. Oh no, the Mail has a much simpler system:

The troubled singer, 24, has been enjoying the company of Wood, dubbed 'Good Blake' because of the contrast of his clean-living lifestyle with Amy's addict husband Blake Fielder-Civil - a.k.a. 'Bad Blake'.

Note the use of the popular "dubbed", which is Fleet Street for "we are calling him this and hope it takes off".

Darkness at 3AM: Cowell gripes

The 3AM team are still making the most of their flight to LA, too, giving Simon Cowell a chance to moan about not being invited:

"They think I'm the Antichrist. They don't like us TV people to be part of it - it's ridiculous. It reeks of snobbery."

Yes, the Oscars organisers hate television people having anything to do with the Oscars at all. That's why it was hosted by the Jon Stewart from Death To Smoochy rather than the Jon Stewart who presents The Daily Show. Can you imagine how awful it had been if they'd got that invite muddled up and the whole Oscars ceremony had been helmed by someone who works almost exclusively in television?

Gordon in the morning: It's only 36 hours after the Oscars

Remember the 2008 Oscars? Gordon Smart's pages this morning take a nostalgic look back at the event this morning. Apparently, the most interesting interesting thing that happened was Russell Brand "pulling" Dita Von Teese. Gordon calls it pulling, anyway - although since Brand's tale involves getting her phone number and, erm, sending her a couple of texts, it's not quite a relationship of From Here To Eternity beachfront proportions.

What is astonishing, though, is the headline for the story:

Brand gets new nookie wook

Well, yes, it's almost a pun on his book title, My Booky Wook, but isn't quite as a pun has to have a second meaning. And there was no "nookie" and wook doesn't mean anything at all in this context. Had Brand bought a cabinet in which to store his Star War figures, Brand gets new Wookie nook might have worked, though.

Tilda Swinton's amusing acceptance speech delighted Gordon, too, although we're not sure it was quite the reaction she'd have hoped for:

OSCAR speech of the night goes to Brit TILDA SWINTON — for slipping in the words “buttocks” and “nipples”.

He's getting all excited and giggly because someone said nipples. Seriously, is he eight years old? And isn't Swinton's suggestion that George Clooney is a secret rubber fetishist more the point anyway?

Sir Humphrey over Sir Paul

When asked by a company which had its own reasons, just over a quarter of Canadians said their dream job was in entertainment.

37%, however, said they'd rather be a civil servant. Presumably because you're more likely to meet Bono if you work for the government.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Dr Drinks

The days when a celebrity brand extension had some sort of logic behind it have long since gone, so we're no more surprised that Dr Dre is launching a range of vodkas and cognacs than we would be if he told us he was selling sink plungers and doweling.

What is surprising, though, is Dre's going to be pushing fizzy vodka. Either he's spotted a gap in the market which has somehow been missed in the last two hundred years, or he'd been drinking an awful lot of vodka before coming up with idea.

Aha! Maybe there's the link between personality and product - they can use a slogan "Drink enough of this, and you'll forget about Dre."

eBay deal turns sour

Americans. They're not like the British. We learned the hard way never to trust an eye-catching auction bid, when that giant Blue Peter chocolate bar turned out not to be worth a million quid after all. Americans, though, didn't go through that experience so when someone bid three million dollars on eBay for that massive record collection, they didn't smell a rat. Of course, now the owner of the account on which the bid came claims he's been a victim of identity theft.

Gigging for peace

Having solved the problems of world poverty and global warming through low-key mobile phone sponsorship opportunities and Coldplay songs, rock music has now decided to deal World Peace. Obviously, nobody would be as foolish as to believe that mankind's bloody history could be offset with a single gig at Wembley - even one with U2, Led Zep and the Floyd - so World Peace One intends to bring about peace through a ten year special concert programme:

"Our mission is ending all war at the end of our 10-year period," [WP1 founder Doug] Ivanovich tells Billboard. "Our intent is to foster and generate the largest peoples' movement, grassroots as well as institutional, in the history of the world."

Ivanovich -- who has a background in business development, finance, executive management, communications, event production and broadcasting -- has already enlisted an impressive array of governments and has the endorsement of Claes Nobel, senior member of the Nobel Peace Prize family.

Hmm. And Claes Nobel has Madonna's phone number, does he?

Now, it would be lovely to think that - come 2018 - we could be living in harmony and peace, with no more war. And it might happen, although to be honest it's going to depend more on the oil running out in the next decade than if The Kinks and the Boomtown Rats get on the same stage.

How is it supposed to work, then? There's always been art - much, much of it calling humanity for its stupidity and love of shooting, clawing, slicing and dicing other parts of humanity. It's a wonderful desire to want to do something to stop the pointless killing. But a few stadium gigs? It's like hoping the Oscars will cure cancer.

Late Summer

The first new Donna Summer album in seventeen years has been announced: Crayons is out in May:

"My dream is that when people hear the music it will remind them of their youth, their childhood and the joy and wonderment they felt exploring their first pack of crayons."

... before, presumably, shoving it up their noses and being whisked off to casualty.

Live, tonight and thereafter: Los Campesinos!

Fabchannel, home of the ad-supported free streaming live show, is streaming Los Campesinos at the Paradiso, live from 8.30 GMT tonight; and then on demand thereafter. Fabchannel.com is where it'll all be.

Right-wing politician in 'no sense of humour' shock

Dana, the anti-abortionist singer, isn't amused by the Irish people choosing to send Dustin The Turkey to Eurovision. Having been sent to Europe herself by popular vote when she was an MEP, you'd think she'd have sympathy for the voice of the people when it's spoken, but instead, she pulls a sourpuss face:

"I just think it's making a mockery of the contest and if we think it's such a big joke then let's get out of it".

She added: "Certainly don't put a turkey in a trolley up against singers who are desperately trying to make a way in their career."

Making a mockery or Eurovision? Can you imagine such a thing? Clearly, the turkey act fails to appreciate that Eurovision is a serious-minded cultural event - as evidenced by previous winners like Hard Rock Hallelujah and Dana International's song.

You've got to be impressed with her desperate bid to try and make it seem like there's a serious issue at stake here - 'think about the struggling singers', as if bread is being stolen from their mouths by some people having a bit of fun with an event that's supposed to make people smile. It's not clear, by the way, why Dana believes that puppeters and the singer-doing-Dustin's-voice should be denied their chance to further their career.

Dana worries this might just prove to be the thin end of a wedge:

"The problem is they love puppets in Europe. If, God forbid he wins, we'll probably have more puppets than people in next year's Eurovision," she said.

Yes. The way that after Lordi won, every nation entered a heavy rock outfit in pantomime gear.

Go and see REM (take binoculars)

REM have announced a bunch of stadium dates this Summer. Here's where the sharp-eyed might be able to make out Michael Stipe jumping up and down:

August 24 - Lancashire County Cricket Club, Manchester
25 - Millennium Stadium, Cardiff
27 - Rosebowl, Southampton
30 - Twickenham, Twickenham

Please try and act surprised when they add an extra date in London, okay? Tickets go on sale to the general public on Friday this week, and then through eBay about twelve seconds later. The cost? £45 before booking fees. Loyal to the Bank of America indeed.

Vote drummerfromblur

Dave Rowntree has finally found a safe seat to fight at the next election: He's been elected to fight the Cities of London and Westminster seat for Labour.

Unfortunately, while it's a very safe seat indeed, it's not a safe Labour seat, but a safe seat for the Tories. Indeed, it's 116th on Labour's list of targets, which means we're talking about Cameron being caught selling heroin to orphan puppies before we'd be liable to see Dave Rowntree on Prime Minister's Question Time.

MTV: Over fond of advertising

The impression that MTV is awash in advertising has usually been unfair, maybe not. An Ofcom review of advertising minutage [pdf] on MTV channels has found that on "several" occasions it was showing more than the maximum allowed total of twelve minutes in any one hour - once, indeed, by an extra eight minutes.

MTV feels it can explain:

It stated that three of these incidents were the result of mistakes made during the implementation phase of a new computerised advertising airtime booking system and an additional advertising break had been inserted just prior to transmission. The impact of the change on total advertising minutage in the relevant hours had not been checked and an excess had occurred as a result. The broadcaster had subsequently retrained the relevant staff and improved its procedures to ensure that all clock hours were checked regularly prior to transmission.[...]
MTV explained that the remainder of the incidents had been due to programming either over or under running due to a mismatch between the original, planned, scheduled duration and the duration as actually delivered for transmission. This had had the knock on effect of pushing or pulling advertising breaks into the following or preceding hours, causing the total advertising minutage in these hours to exceed the 12 minute maximum. Transmission staff had failed to make appropriate last minute adjustments to the programming and the overall schedule to prevent such excesses occurring.

It's not clear which excuse is supposed to explain how an MTV channel carried twenty minutes of advertising in an hour, but neither seem particularly convincing from where we're sitting - an eight-minute underrun on programmes seems unlikely; it also seems unlikely that the 'extra' ad break inserted would have been eight minutes long (and, had it been, surely someone might have thought 'hang on - is this going to push us over the limit'?)

Still, Ofcom would not be bought off by such explanations, and has subjected MTV to strong writing-down-in-a-book of what it's done wrong:

Ofcom has therefore decided formally to record a breach of RADA 1.2. In the circumstances, and in particular the significant number of breaches involved and the time taken effectively to remedy the causes of these errors, the licensees should note that if further breaches occur, Ofcom may need to consider further regulatory action.

This isn't, of course, the most strict punishment Ofcom has its disposal - it could have chosen to tut loudly, or tell MTV it was very disappointed.

In the old days, MTV could have just stuck a pop video to fill the gaps.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Mum rock

You can't have failed to notice that, this year, Mother's Day is being cranked up a notch by the stores - there's a slightly unnerving sense that they've just swapped the signs on the Valentines stock to "For your Mum". Indeed, with sparkling wines, heart shaped chocolates and even - I swear - John Lewis slapping a "For Mother's Day" sign on its sexy knickers stand, the sense is that the shops are seeing Oedipus as their key customer this year.

The Independent has considered what all this means for the music industry and, naturally, called HMV's Gennaro Castaldo for advice:

HMV's Gennaro Castaldo said consumers could expect to be bombarded with a dizzying array of deluxe editions, new material and back catalogue collections over the next few days."The idea that mums are all in their 60s and 70s and are happy with a box of chocolates or a pot plant on Mother's Day is completely out of date," he said. "Many are in their 30s and are still very much in touch with popular culture. An album is seen as a very credible and cool gift for them, particularly by their children."

Aha. And The Indie then tells us what the key sellers for this "credible and cool" market segment are:

This year a plethora of compilation albums featuring housewife favourites such as Michael Bolton and Rick Astley are already lining the shelves. Among the most-high profile offerings is Simply Red's multi-million-selling Stars, being re-released for those anxious to relive their glory days.

Oh, yes. In touch with popular culture and that Rick Astley.

Darkness at 3AM: The glittery, glittery Hollywood whirl

The cash-strapped Mirror has dispatched the 3AM Girls to the Oscars - money well spent, to, erm, produce coverage that misses the paper's deadline and hasn't appeared on the website yet.

Indeed, the 3AM column is forced to focus on the Oscars pre-parties and Britney Spears not going to any of them. Good work, everyone.

Gordon in the morning: Gordon is broken

Oops. Whoever's been supposed to take care of updating Gordon's page to seamlessly incorporate the Oscars news with Gordon's stuff didn't get the "seamless" part - it seems like The Sun has the same problems updating a website at three in the morning than the rest of us.

The rebuild of the page has also shuffled what the newspaper edition shows as the biggest story down the running order to be leapfrogged by, erm, Charlotte Church dyes hair and Gary Lineker is still going out with the same woman as six months ago. The sudden interest in Lineker's date is because someone's noticed that her surname - Bux - is the first syllable of Buxom, which means there's the option of breast jokes.

I say "jokes":

Danielle was the dish of the night in her low-cut number dress – and I’m sure the Match Of The Day host fancied the bangers.

It's more pointing and saying "breasts!" over and over.

And that main story? Noel Gallagher is leaving Ibiza "to escape James Blunt". It's an amusing angle, but selling a £5.5million house because of a vague chance of seeing James Blunt? Sounds more like a cover story to us.

Oasis are busily recording a new record, which is got Gordo all twitterpated:

I can’t wait to hear the lads’ new material. Apparently it’s a bit more psychedelic than previous offerings.

I’m told one of the tracks is an absolute epic, featuring a 50-voice choir. Sounds mega.

Yes, he did just say "sounds mega".

So keen is Gordon to snuggle up to Noel that he decides to stand behind as his hero kicks sand into Blunt's eyes going "you tell 'im, boss":

Of course, Noel will have to find somewhere new to relax and put his feet up after finishing the project.

Sunny Ibiza is now out of the question thanks to that Factor 50 idiot Blunt.

Perhaps whoever did the Oscars story rebuild was trying to save Gordon from himself by burying this.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Filesharing comes to Facebook

We're sure the BPI will be delighted to hear of a new Facebook application, DoubleTwist, which allows users to share music and photos and stuff with their Facebook friends.

Oh, and it strips out iTunes DRM if you choose to share stuff you've purchased there. Which you shouldn't, of course, because it's wrong.

The music industry will be suing someone over this, just as soon as they've worked out who the ~~weakest target~~ correct person to sue is.

Alan McGee loves Frank

Someone - Scotland On Sunday doesn't record who - asked Alan McGee what his favourite record of all-time was.

He chose My Way. Frank Sinatra's reading of it:

"Hands down my favourite song is Sinatra's 'My Way'. What a song! Like it's narrator it's had a rough life but managed to survive – in this case, mistreatment from a multitude of hotel karaoke parties, X Factor contests and ageing lounge singers drunkenly entertaining middle-aged couples on their third honeymoon from the Catskills in New York state to Kathmandu.

"As Martin Scorsese demonstrated when he used Sid Vicious's rendition to roll over the credits of Goodfellas, 'My Way' is still the greatest rock'n'roll anthem to life ever written. But even Sid couldn't top Frank's definitive version."

It's nice that McGee doesn't feel the need to choose a song to show-off with, but at the same time, his choice is disappointingly obvious. Especially since he seemed a lot fonder of the Creation a few years back, didn't he? And weren't Oasis supposed to have been the greatest rock and roll band?

I Was A Clubbed Scout

More cancellation news: I Was A Cub Scout have pulled tonight's gig; a lame-ass hit Todd Marriott in the face with a glass at the Joiners Arms in Southampton on Saturday. The tour is expected to resume tomorrow.

Keys told to keep quiet

Alicia Keys' European tour is on hold; apparently doctors have told her to "rest her voice". So far Glasgow and Manchester are being rescheduled.

O2 hangs up on Leeds Festival

Live Nation have decided to can the Leeds O2 Festival after two years of underperformance. The official spin is that they can't do the festival and a series of mini, indoor events as a warm-up for the London Wireless event:

"O2 and Live Nation are determined to bring the flavour of the O2 Wireless Festival to as wide an audience as possible, by arranging a series of pre-festival gigs around the UK during May/June 2008.

"Under the banner of O2 Wireless Weekenders, a number of confirmed artists appearing at the O2 Wireless Festival in Hyde Park, London, will take to the stage in local clubs, giving music fans a unique opportunity to enjoy their respective music.

"Due to this new initiative, we will no longer stage the O2 Wireless Festival in Leeds."

Managers at Harewood House, which has hosted the festival, were downbeat:

"Obviously I'm disappointed that the O2 Festival is not going to have a northern presence this year. It was a popular event and, I believe, was an established date in the festival calendar."

To be honest, we'd completely forgotten it existed, which makes claims of having been established seem a little weak - and since it was at the same venue as the Leeds leg of the Reading Festival, it was totally overshadowed. We're not expecting much mourning.

Machine Head pull a date

Surprisingly, the Machine Head tour - billed as More Balls, More Volume, More Strength tour had to pull its San Francisco date last night because, erm, had a bit of a cold.

More honey and lemon?

Sebastian Bach takes all the blame

If there was to be a battle over who was mainly responsible for Skid Row, you'd picture it as being an attempt to pass bucks. Not so, for Sebastian Bach and theothersoutofSkidRow are currently involved in a battle to claim responsibility. Like terrorists who've blown up a bus, or something. Bach is fuming that theothersoutofSkidRow have tried to play down his contribution:

"Yeah, well, those guys are liars, for one thing. To say that I don’t write songs is such a hilarious thing to say. All you've got to do is look at the back of the records to see who wrote the songs. It's like… I don't know what to say. When I walk around the house in 1991 with a dictaphone, a little tape deck, and I'm humming the riff to 'Slave To The Grind', going 'Here's a cool riff.' And then I go into the rehearsal room and I go, 'Hey, play this. Here’s a drum beat (makes drum beat). Here's a fuckin’ melody (sings the melody).' How the fuck is that not writing a song? I wrote 'Wasted Time', every single word of the song. It's just weird that they would say that, because they know that it's not true. Here's the deal. Those guys in that band, all they ever say is how much they hate me and they hate the old band and we never got along. There's a real brilliant marketing strategy. Let's be SKID ROW and tell everybody how much we hate SKID ROW. There's a great idea. What the fuck?! I LOVE SKID ROW. I AM SKID ROW! I can guarantee you out of all five guys in that band, the original band, I'm the only one walking down the street that people pull their car over and go, 'Hey, SKID ROW, motherfucker! Yeah! Alright! Yeah! Dude! SKID ROW!' I can guarantee you that none of them get that, ever! And I get it everywhere I go [and I will] until the day I die. People hanging out of their windows screaming 'SKID ROW,' walking through the mall going, 'Hey, fuckin' SKID ROW, dude.' I can guarantee you that none of those other guys get that, 100%. And I can’t leave the house without that happening at least a couple of times a day. I can't even go in my driveway without people screaming that shit. 'SKID ROW, dude! Yeah!' You can call it what you want, but all I've gotta say is when you listen to 'Angel Down', and then you listen to the stuff they put out without me, you can hear who the rock 'n' roll fan is.'

Since Bach has spent most of his life torturing rock to within an inch of its life, we're not sure we'd want to be the object of his fandom.

We do enjoy the suggestion that his claim is greater because he's more likely to have obscenities screamed at him in the street.

Ireland tells turkey "you're bootiful"

Last night, the good people of Ireland had a choice: Vote to send Dustin The Turkey to Eurovision, or listen to the earnest cries of 'proper' musicians and send someone who isn't a puppet.

The people of Ireland did the right thing.

We're just celebrities, we don't want no trouble

James P emails us to point out a curious feature of the post-Brits parties:

After the Brits this week, people went off to their various parties. One party, at somewhere called 'Movida', resulted in three stories involving assaults on celebrities (and Alex Curran).

- Party hostess Kylie got 'attacked with ice-cubes';
- KT Tunstall was knocked over by a bouncer;
- Someone called Alex Curran, who is apparently married to someone who plays football, was wrestled to the ground by a mystery assailant

Nice to see these stars shunning the glamorous lifestyle in favour of the sort of night out that their fans enjoy, i.e. a nightclub with an ever-present undercurrent of seething violence. No word yet on whether Beth Ditto ended the evening on the pavement outside Southern Fried Chicken, screaming at Mika to leave the Klaxons alone as they weren't worth it.

Outside, of course, Paul McCartney was being told "get lost, Grandad - no trainers..."

We love the way in the struggle between Curran and her attacker, it was the assailant who is meant to be the obscure one, by the way.

Cilla Black is the big draw

Now Magazine's piece on Amy Winehouse's supposed plans to move out of London seem a little obsessed with one aspect of a potential address:

Singer to move near Cilla Black in Buckinghamshire

Amy Winehouse is reportedly planning to leave the Big Smoke – to become neighbours with Cilla Black.

The singer, 24, is said to be keen on buying a house in Buckinghamshire, very near to the 64-year-old veteran star's home.

Unless Winehouse picked up the phone to the Estate Agents and barked "I want to live near Cilla", we suspect Ms Black living in the same county might not be quite as significant as the magazine thinks.

Actually, No Rock and Roll Fun comes to you from Buckinghamshire - so perhaps Amy's just keen to be near us.

Showbiz Zoe gets a jump

In the old days, gossip columnists could fill their pages with lists of people who went to see gigs and shows. Nowadays, though, with so many competing columns, that's not enough.

So Showbiz Zoe from the Sunday Mirror has decided to predict who'll be going to gigs a month before they happen:

Stars set to be out in force for Rihanna UK gigs

Rihanna is supported by R'n'B singer David Jordan on six UK dates in March.

I bet boxer Audley Harrison gets front-row tickets - he was drooling over her at London's Crystal club last week.

This is an exciting development. We're now boldly predicting that Pixie Geldof will be hanging about backstage at Glastonbury, and Andy Burnham will turn up at the next Brit Awards.

Doherty bakes Blake cake with file in

Last week, the News of the World splashed a story announcing that Blake Filder-Civil had taken contaminated drugs he'd been buying with signed photos of the wife.

Oddly, this week, Rav Singh in the same paper simultaneously repeats and rejects the story:

He's turned to God and I also hear he's wandering the prison, quoting verses from the Bible. A source has told me that Blake prays and chats to the chaplin all the time.

The insider said: "He's obviously a very troubled young man and has found comfort in religion.

"Quite a few people who are inside prison turn to God because they've got nothing else.

"When that metal door slams shut and you're alone with just your thoughts and no drugs, religion is the alternative."

The main meat of Rav's story this morning, though, is that Pete Doherty is trying to persuade Fielder-Civil to get an implant:

AMY WINEHOUSE's junkie hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL wants an implant fitted to beat his heroin addiction—just like his new pal PETE DOHERTY.

I can reveal that Blake has been speaking to BABYSHAMBLES rocker Pete for advice about the opiate-suppressing device. And the singer, who had the same implant fitted two years ago, is now determined to help Blake with his demons.

He's even started up a campaign to get his mate out of jail, calling it Free Blake For Fuck's Sake.

Which may or may not be true, but since Fielder-Civil is on remand on charges relating to a violent assault and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice, having all the implants in the world is going to make no difference to his incarceration, is it?

Cerys opens her heart; NOTW opens chequebook

Do you suppose that - when the NOTW signed up Cerys for the bra and panties shoot and "Marc and I are in love" story - that they also insisted that they got first dibs on any "Our love is over" interviews?

If so, the small print has been invoked as, this morning, Cerys states the bleedin' obvious - or, as the paper has it:

Cerys reveals the real reason she split with celeb lover Marc Bannerman

We're not sure, but from the headline we're assuming Marc Bannerman now has "celeb lover" on his passport where it says "Occupation".

Apparently, they were totally incompatible:

HE loves his cool showbiz life in a trendy part of london, SHE'S a mum-of-two village girl in Wales.

HE'S a protective macho man who takes charge on dates and orders everything, SHE'S a fiercely independent spirit who insists on making her own decisions.

HE'S a real tidy-up fan with everything in its place, SHE'S at home in mess and chaos.

HE'S a great cook rustling up roast chicken and tasty treats, SHE'S hopeless and burned his soup.

HE takes a keen pride in his clothes, SHE'S happy in the same old outfits and hates shopping.

He was a cartoon cat, she was a choreographer turned pops... oh, hang about, that's a different relationship.

Hold on a minute... did you just say:

HE'S a great cook rustling up roast chicken and tasty treats, SHE'S hopeless and burned his soup.

Now, 'he's a slack-jawed club hanger, she's a creative artist' we can understand, but "I can't be with you, you're good at cooking and I've just let a pot catch" must be the lamest excuse we've ever heard for ending a relationship. Even one that only existed in Hello magazine's head. Wouldn't his ability to cook make him the perfect match for someone who can't boil water? Isn't there a degree to which compatibility has to be more than 'identical to' and about each bringing something unique to the relationship?

Not that it matters much, as this one:

HE'S a protective macho man who takes charge on dates and orders everything, SHE'S a fiercely independent spirit who insists on making her own decisions.

... that's more than enough to justify binning - having a partner who doesn't want you to think for yourself doesn't make you incompatible with him; it makes him incompatible with the 21st century.