Effin' hell: Lily and Monkeys land broadcasters in bother

Liberal use of swearing has caused trouble for the BBC and ITV, in the latest round of Ofcom judgements. The BBC's Glastonbury coverage inadvertently let through a "fuck" from the Arctic Monkeys at teattime:

One viewer contacted Ofcom stating that he was concerned that whilst watching the highlights coverage of Glastonbury at approximately 17:50 on Saturday 23 June 2007, a member of the band, The Arctic Monkeys, said “Now fucking come on now”. The complainant considered that this language could have been edited out.
[...]
The BBC explained that a failure of communication between the recording team and
the outside broadcast control truck meant that the precise point of the recording at
which they should have cut away from the band back to the presenter was not made
sufficiently clear.

Ofcom wasn't having that, and ticked the BBC off.

More surprisingly, This Morning, over on ITV, slipped up with Lily Allen:

Eight viewers complained to Ofcom that a fashion item on kaftans was accompanied by the song “Smile” by Lily Allen which featured the lyric “…but you were fucking that girl next door”.

Kaftans? In 2007?

Anyway, as it the usual way in these matters, ITV blamed human error ("human error" is the new official job title for what used to be called Junior Researchers.) Ofcom welcomed the network's apologies but sighed that it should have been more careful.

Jo Whiley: Amy was robbed

Jo Whiley has abandoned the strict impartiality required of her as presenter of the BBC coverage of the Mercury Prize - which is fair enough, as she'd earlier abandoned the required interviewing technique, too - and insisted that Amy Winehouse should have won the Mercury.

Why?

Erm, because Jo liked the album:

"Everyone was surprised. Amy was the favourite."

Er... Amy was the second favourite, Jo - remember that man from the bookmakers telling you on television that Bat For Lashes was the favourite?

"The Klaxons are lovely boys but Amy should have won.

"Back To Black is definitely my album of the past year - it's spellbinding. Her performance at the Mercury show was amazing. But it's not about how she performed, it's about the album."

We've not had a chance to look at the rules, but we're fairly sure that the prize is meant for the album decided by the judges to be the best of the year, rather than being an award for Jo Whiley's favourite.

We have a sneaking feeling that what probably happened in the judging stage was votes for Amy and votes for Bats For Lashes were cancelling each other out - the 'ooky female vocal' split - which let the Klaxons through. But we're getting tired at this insistence that, somehow, Winehouse had a moral right to the prize. Clearly, when the judges voted they didn't believe she did. When people bet on the likely winner, they didn't feel she had, either.

Madonna tells Wintour: Rocks' off

There are some mutterings around the gossip blogs that Madonna has displeased Anna Wintour, editor in chief of Vogue, by pulling out of a deal to be on the cover of this year's Fashion Rocks magazine.

The usual denials are in place - Madonna never under consideration, no falling out, plenty of room for two Ice Queens - but are somewhat undermined by the story having started out the traps from the Portfolio blog - part of the same Conde Nast empire where Wintour roosts.

Kanye: MTV VMAs don't care about black people

Kanye West didn't take rejection by the MTV Awards with good grace:

"That's two years in a row, man ... give a black man a chance," West said, stomping around his entourage and directing his comments at a reporter. "I'm trying hard man, I have the ... number one record, man." West said he never will return to MTV.

You'd have thought that Kanye would see not being fawned over by the VMAs as some sort of badge of honour. He could have stayed away next year to be aloof from a confused applause from Viacom. Instead, if he doesn't turn up, he'll just look like a poor loser.

Gossip axe live dates to push 'live' DVD

The Gossip's planned November US tour - which was to have had Long Blondes support - has been pulled to allow the band to sync it with the release of their 'live' DVD. The upside? With a couple of months free, the Long Blondes are going to be recording a new album this side of Christmas.

They must find the songwriting process easier than Beth and the boys. According to Rick Rubin, the live record is to fill a gap caused by writer's block:

'I saw [the Gossip] at the Troubadour, and they blew my mind'," [Rick Rubin] said. 'It was the best show I've seen in five years. Afterward, I met with the band. They felt stressed, and they were having trouble writing songs. The energy in the room when they were performing was so intense, and I'm not even sure how we'd get it to feel like that in the studio. So we decided to record a live show during their European tour, and we're going to release a DVD of the live album as their first release.'

How surprising that Beth Ditto - who has so much to say - is so dry of ideas they're lobbing out the same songs again in lieu of a proper new record.

Me! I'm Mel Galley!

Identity theft - nobody's safe. Not even Mel Galley, once of Whitesnake. Apparently, he's got a ringer using his name:

"I would like to inform your readers that a conman is operating in the Nottingham and Derbyshire areas pretending to be the guitarist and singer Mel Galley who is best known for his work in the bands TRAPEZE, WHITESNAKE, and the PHENOMENA project. He introduces himself to bands in pubs and elsewhere as Mel, offers advice, hands out plectrums, wears a snake ring and tells about how he is set to go and work with Tony Iommi (BLACK SABBATH) in studios in Birmingham or play with ZZ TOP in the USA etc. He told one band that he hadn’t spoken to former colleague Glenn Hughes for over five years. These are all lies. He even has the cheek to autograph CDs and albums and have his picture taken with fans. It would appear he has being doing this for a number of years.

"How do I know all this? Well, apart from actually being Mel Galley myself, last year I set up my own Internet page on MySpace and also for my band TRAPEZE and ever since then I have had messages thanking me for watching bands I have never heard of, in pubs I have never been to! The only actual band I have met this year is an excellent American one called BLANCO DIABLO who toured the UK recently. The imposter tells people he can’t play the guitar due to a well documented injury I suffered whilst in WHITESNAKE. If you visit my personal site you will see that I actually played live very recently.

"Sorry to disappoint those of you who think you have met me."

The odd thing is that this other Mel Galley doesn't seem to be doing this for any sort of personal gain - unless 'having people think you were once in Whitesnake' is a bigger buzz than it seems.

Of course, we only have the Mel Galley MySpace's word for it that he is the real Mel Galley. At least the fake one seems to be better at putting himself about.

Suggs gets fishy

Oddly, Suggs seems to be easing out Captain Birds Eye. He's taking on the role of fish-finger salesman, promoting the health-giving benefits of over-fishing as part of the latest advertising campaign. Apparently they're packed full of Omega3, like catfood.

Radio One More Time: Perkins Grange

If you ever needed evidence that some ideas work much better on radio than on television, Noel Edmonds' Sunday morning trips to Perkins Grange, compared with the same idea, transplanted to BBC One and Crinkly Bottom, pretty much makes the case open-and-shut.

What on radio could be implied and glossed over - naturally, you're in the baronial home of Radio 4 newsreader Brian Perkins, who happens to be on hand to help out during the morning - needs to be shown on television; where Perkins Grange existed as a perfect mental image, Crinkly Bottom was clearly a cheap studio set in a television hangar in London.

Other elements lost something in translation.

On Radio 1, Noel pretty much invented the funny phone call. Actually, the Funny Phone Call, for that's what he called them. Before every idiot able to operate a mixing desk phone got in on the act, and the wit was bludgeoned out to make room for Scott Mills telling parents their kids are changing their name to Wanker, there was still something amusing in the idea of Noel ringing up in a "disguised" voice, making a mild claim (traffic lights outside your window, that sort of thing), letting the victim get slightly riled, before the big reveal "it's Noel Edmonds, on Radio 1..."

Actually, we don't know why Noel bothered putting on a fake voice, as it was always the same fake voice. As a relatively fresh idea, it never needed to push itself to levels of credulity-stretch or cruelty to get its laugh, and was so popular BBC Cassettes even stuck out a couple of compilations of the 'best' calls.

When taken to television, though, the concept was ratcheted up into the Gotcha, and the extra budget required celebrity targets, and before long it was all about Dave Lee Travis and Keith Chegwin. Interestingly, the move to celebritising the format had been presage during Mike Read's period on the Sunday morning show, where he took to doing prank calls on celebrities - most notably, persuading Su Pollard she'd been chosen to sing the lyrics that were about to be added to the EastEnders theme tune.

Likewise, the readings of Thomas The Tank Engine - the 'something for all the family' element of Sunday Mornings - somehow worked itself up into being Mr. Blobby on the TV. Presumably, these days, no Radio 1 show would be able to the cost of rights to bring Thomas to the air, but Edmonds was working back before Ringo Starr built the Tank Engine's stock to such levels.

Noel might point to the surprisingly high figures for Noel Edmond's House Party and proclaim it a success. On the other hand, when he did the Radio 1 show, he was one of the most popular presenters in the UK; by the end of House Party, Noel was something of an entertainment pariah. It all depends, of course, on what you see as a success.

[Part of Radio One More Time]

Newton glories in wearing a scarf

The choice of lead story on Bizarre this morning might seem a little odd - even although the MTV excitement came a little late for the paper's deadlines, can a throwaway remark from Cheryl Cole really be the most important thing in the glittery world of stardom?

“[England supporters] need to get behind the boys more.

“We should be like the Liverpool fans. Their theory is the worse you are, the louder you shout. It makes a real difference.

“It can make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when they start singing You’ll Never Walk Alone.”

What on Earth would make Newton pick this as the lead item for the day?

Oh, it's reflected glory, isn't it?

I ALWAYS knew CHERYL TWEEDY was a woman of impeccable taste.

The GIRLS ALOUD star has confessed that Liverpool footie fans — yours truly included — are the best in the game.

Ah, yes - the dedication of Liverpool fans is well-known. After all, most are still boycotting The Sun after it ran those lies about the crowd at Hillsborough, aren't they, Victoria?

Britney: no shirt, no skirt, no passion as VMAs end in scrapping

With claims that MTV would have happily pulled the plug if Britney Spears had been too bad, the question this morning seems to be "how bad would that have had to have been?"

TMZ wasn't impressed:

Britney Spears aimed to bring the house down when she opened the MTV Video Music Awards, but instead she just looked like a house. A little too early for the skimpy outfits, perhaps?

The former Mrs. Federline sleep-walked her way through a critical performance of her new single, "Gimme More," and camera pans to stars like Rihanna, 50 Cent and Diddy showed the crowd wasn't really feeling it. Britney herself didn't look too enthused by the ordeal ... even seeming to forget the lyrics to her own song!

The New York Times wasn't any kinder:

She didn’t disappoint: she was awful. Visibly nervous, she tottered around the stage, dancing tentatively and doing nothing that sounded or looked like real live singing. It’s too bad, because the song itself, “Gimme More,” is a pleasant surprise: brash and sleek and unapologetic. But Sunday’s performance in Las Vegas didn’t seem very likely to stem the tide of mean-spirited jokes about Ms. Spears.

Sure enough, when it was over, Sarah Silverman, the host, smiled cruelly and said, “She is amazing! I mean, she is 25 years old and she’s already accomplished ... everything she’s going to accomplish in life.”

Even the BBC decided she was still "embattled":

Embattled singer Britney Spears gave her first major performance in three years at the MTV Video Music Awards, dressed in a sparkly bra and briefs.

Billed as "her long-awaited comeback", the 25-year-old gave a lacklustre rendition of her new single Gimme More.

She moved slowly around the stage while appearing to mime to a backing track.

It is possible, judging by her awkward behaviour, that the bra and knickers wasn't a costume, merely that she forgot to put the rest of her clothes on? It's possible that Spears is waking up this morning thinking "god, I had that dream where I go on the MTV awards naked, and forget the words to the song..."

MTV, of course, tries to spin the performance:

After weeks of relentless hype and endless accounts of her preshow partying, Britney's much-discussed comeback performance opened with a close-up of the back of her head. Staring straight into the camera, she purred the beginning couplet to "Trouble," made famous by the ultimate Las Vegas legend, Elvis, "If you're lookin' for trouble, you came to the right place/ If you're lookin' for trouble, look right in my face." The camera panned out to reveal Spears decked out in Vegas-appropriate bling, including a black, jewel-encrusted bra and hot pants, black boots and nothing else. Sashaying in and out of dancers in skin-tight leather, Spears literally stepped over the back of a male dancer and got intimate with another.

With images of chandeliers floating on the screen behind her mixed with silhouettes of women befitting the intro reel to a James Bond flick, Spears walked across the stage as her scantily clad dancers worked a series of stripper poles scattered throughout the room. And then, after all that hype, a relieved-looking Brit gave a shy smile, whispered "thank you" and exited after a low-key performance that was quickly overshadowed by the likes of high-energy sets from the Foo Fighters, Chris Brown, Kanye...

"literally stepped over the back of a male dancer", eh? We love the way that even MTV gives up and ends with a coded "still, it got better after that..."

The real excitement of the evening was the fight between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee, which we suspect might have been staged to try and convince the world that they're not the same person. Apparently the loser had to take back Pamela Anderson.

MTV isn't sure if it should pretend the fight never happened, or seize on it as an example of just how anything can happen at their crazy, crazy awards. Of course, really, it shouldn't be pretending that Kid Rock and Lee didn't fight, it should be pretending that they weren't even there. Come on, MTV - this is meant to be the glitzy, zeitgeist-sparkling taste of now, and the audience is made up of the likes of Kid Rock and Tommy Lee?

Talking of which, how did the "all-new MTV awards" fare as spectacle? You'll recall that in the run up, MTV bosses were insisting that this was going to be a year zero, with innovative side performances accessible through the website. The New York Times wasn't impressed:

This year, MTV squeezed in more performances by cutting the performers down to size. Cameras cut to hotel parties that looked like more fun than the ceremony. Rihanna, Lil Wayne and Gym Class Heroes stopped by Fall Out Boy’s room; T-Pain dropped in on Kanye West; Cee-Lo (from Gnarls Barkley), Serj Tankian (from System of a Down) and Mastodon performed with Foo Fighters; 50 Cent and T.I. joined Justin Timberlake’s party.
[...]
One of this show’s selling points was that there was less of it: two hours, instead of the usual three. And the channel promised to cut down on the usual endless reruns; “Happening once and only once,” the commercials kept announcing, with a hint of desperation.

Online, you could hang out in a virtual lounge, or read breathless blog posts and celebrity text messages. (One missive: “Hey this is tom from plain white ts! Were getting all dressed up right now for the awards! Wish us luck!!!”) More than a quarter-century after MTV made radio stations seem old-fashioned, it’s funny to watch the channel’s executives grapple with new media.

In effect, then, they sucked the heart out the event.

The inevitable winners-in-full, then:

Monster Single of the Year Winner
Rihanna f/ Jay-Z "Umbrella"

Quadruple Threat of the Year Winner
Justin Timberlake

Best Collaboration Winner
Beyoncé f/ Shakira "Beautiful Liar"

Male Artist of the Year Winner
Justin Timberlake

Female Artist of the Year Winner
Fergie

Best Group Winner
Fall Out Boy

Best New Artist Winner
Gym Class Heroes

Video of the Year Winner
Rihanna f/ Jay-Z "Umbrella"

Best Choreography Winner
Justin Timberlake "My Love" Choreographer: Marty Kudelka

Best Direction Winner
Justin TImberlake "What Goes Around....Comes Around" Director: Samuel Bayer

Best Editing Winner
Smiley Faces
Gnarls Barkley "Smiley Faces"Editor: Ken Mowe

TAM Commandments: 10. Taboo is a dirty word

If you're just joining us, this weekend we've been illustrating These Animal Men's ten commandments with appropriate videos. This is the last one, but you can read the full list and access all the videos via the introductory post.

Taboo? There are still taboos, although someone will push at every one. Perhaps the most-rigidly adhered to taboo is the one about treating child disappearance with kid gloves, and trying to pretend they never happened as soon as the kid is back home, or the bodies buried. Here's Luke Haines, doing Unsolved Child Murder, at a European Festival this summer:

Memo to Christina Aguilera

If you want to keep your pregnancy even sort-of secret: don't share it with Paris Hilton.

TAM commandments: 9. Never trust a crusty

Pretty good advice, as even the best-intentioned of them will go corporate on you. Take Chumbawamba - here, they sing Coal Not Dole, as socialist an anthem as you could hope for. In a few years, though, they'd be flogging their songs as soundtracks to car adverts.

At least you could always tell that Sting was a git.



[Part of TAM Commandments weekend]

Trouble over Beirut

It's probably crossed the mind of anyone who finds themselves receiving one of those watermarked pre-release CDs, with the dire warnings about being tracked down if the songs appear on file-sharing networks, do any labels really pay for this expensive fingerprinting? Isn't it just a question of sending out identicial CDs and pretending? And if they really do employ fingerprinting, has anyone ever been hunted down?

Erik Davis knows the answer is yes, and yes. He'd accidently sent a watermarked copy of Ba-da Bing's Beirut release to a thrift store. The purchaser had uploaded the tracks. And Ba-da Bing were unhappy:

After giving me less than 24 hours to respond to his initial accusation—during which time I was rambling around the Black Rock desert in a fire truck with a flame thrower on the roof—the label owner went on the warpath. [Ben Goldberg of Ba-Da Bing] sent out emails to all his publicist contacts and indy label buddies about my evil ways, and was in addition stirring up as much journalistic interest as possible, giving The Flying Club Cup a nice dose of early publicity while also being able to tar and feather a suddenly non-anonymous practitioner of the file-sharing arts.

I felt pretty shitty about all this. Last year I wrote extensively about Joanna Newsom’s Ys, which was famously leaked from a Pitchfork server, and I know the pain such leaks causes to artists and smaller labels alike. That said, I also know its not necessarily the worse thing in the life of a record, and I was pissed that Goldberg took to the wires before talking to me and trying to figure out why a 40-year-old guy who writes for righteous publications like Arthur would do something to fuck over a righteous independent label.

I called up a handful of my publicist friends, some of whom actually seemed to believe me, and eventually talked to Goldberg. I apologized, he explained his feelings, we bonded over our shared love of the Dead C. Hatchets were buried, and though I suspect my flow of advances might slow over the coming months, the prospect of being reviewed in Blender or Arthur will, in the end, keep most publicists supplying me with product—although the "product" in question will increasingly be a url. And people wonder why I mostly buy vinyl!

So, in effect, the expensive watermarking didn't really achieve anything - as, apart from the inability of the technology to prevent the upload and the lack of any real response from Ba-Da Bing, the label hadn't even mentioned that the track was watermarked on the sleeve. So the supposed threat - meant to stay the hand of the writer as he leans towards Bittorrent - wasn't even present.

Legal snow

Mark McClelland's not-entirely-smooth departure from Snow Patrol has got even more complicated, as his attempts to get some cash out the band are now spilling over into legal action.

McClelland wants some of the spoils of the success he feels he helped create - which is fair enough, but if he gets, says 10% of the cash, shouldn't he also take ten per cent of the criticism of the band's mimsying, heartless waste of electronics?

Diana prepares to spin in her grave

Presumably, had Diana not been buried on that island on the Althorp Estate, by now Geri Halliwell would have dug up her corpse and be escorting it around town. In lieu of being able to despoil the corpse, Halliwell is merely going to try and screw with her memory by way of a tribute record.

Yes, The Spice Girls are writing a song to glory the remembrance of Diana:

"Lady, you are an inspiration to us all
you made every woman stand so tall"

It brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

Slangterms

We've only just discovered the joy that is the CitySlang Media page - downloads from, amongst others, Stars, Amy Millan and Caribou.

Spears on the cusp

Yes, yes, the new single sounds like a marvel - and so it should, because Britney Spears is famous for being able to deliver pop performances - but a lot hinges on the MTV Awards comeback performance in a few hours.

If it happens.

The New York Daily News quotes an "MTV insider" who claims the network are so keen for tonight's event to be a success that they'll be more than happy to cut Britney from the running order:

"Britney knows she's on thin ice. When they agreed to the performance, they sat her down and told her she should not be going out, and instead focus on rehearsing and resting," an insider said. "She seemed to be thankful and appreciative for the chance, but who knows with her? MTV made it clear that her usual behavior will not be tolerated."

Yes. Why would MTV want a headline-grabbing public-meltdown, with all the lucrative resale value that would have, eh?

TAM Commandments: 8. Amphetamines are where it's at

These Animal Men did like to talk about their drugs, and the pop papers - aware you can't have a proper scene without a drug of choice - were keen to try and link the idea of the New Wave of New Wave to speed. The band's only halfway decent song contained one of those drug references which the band hope are "buried" enough to be missed by the radio programmers but are actually so obvious they might as well have done a chorus going "we like drucks! we like drucks!"

Still, it's only fair to let them have an entry in a weekend of videos inspired by their commandments - so, here, from the Caitlin Moran/Collins and Maconine/Vaughan fronted Naked City, is Speeed King (followed by Too Sussed, which you might consider a bonus.)



[Buy: Come On, Join The High Society - complete with "This Is The Voice Of Youth"
Part of TAM commandments weekend]

Avril: I write the songs which make the whole world sob

We might have been giving the impression of late that Avril Lavigne is perhaps the most self-regarding person in the music industry at the moment.

Actually:

So many people can relate to [When You're Gone] in different ways, whether it's someone going off to war... or losing someone or even just breaking up with someone, or simply just missing someone because you're going away.

"This song was very unique for me (because) it's the first song ever where
when I played it for the first time to all my friends... every single one of
them cried. It was the weirdest thing."

... actually, she might just be the most self-regarding person in any industry, ever.

Uncover dismounted

The lovely Vancouver Sun is currently offering a free CD which, instead of being tucked into a plastic bag and buried in the paper is available for downloading online. It includes the great - The Be Good Tanyas and Datarock - alongside the less glittery like the Bare Naked Ladies. But you don't have to save all the tracks, do you?

TAM Commandments: 7. Love's good - but not as good as wanking

No, we're not plumping for The Divynils, or Teenage Kicks and not even She Bop. Instead, one of the the most effective couplets about onanism to have appeared on a lyric sheet: Billy Bragg's "with my own hands/when I make love to your memory..." from St Swithin's Day. It kind of disproves the These Animal Men point, of course. This is Dubstar, covering the song in a Germany at the New Pop Festival in 1996:



[Part of TAM commandments weekend]

Calling it quilts

As part of their appearance at the newly-reorganised Truck Festival, Piney Gir are hosting a quilting bee. You're invited to contribute even if you're not going - full details are on the Piney Gir Myspace.

Radio One More Time: You'll Never Be 16 Again

We're only going to be slightly misty-eyed about the lost art of the rockumentary on Radio One - for reasons we'll return to later in this series. But part of the space lost on the network over the last fifteen years has been that occupied by well-crafted, well-researched, longform music features. First they were shifted from the weekends to the midweeks, then they got sliced up to fit in small segments of Lamacq Live, and now, we think, they might have disappeared altogether.

Well - not quite, as a lot of the sort of programming which used to appear on Saturday lunchtimes on Radio One now crops up on Radio Four. Histories of the pop press, investigations in Northern Soul; features which place music into some sort of context beyond a chart position and which hip-hop producer has taken an executive role. Features which treat music as something that can do more than fill the gaps between Chris Moyles' pearls of wisdom. Indeed, it's the loss of this sort of programme which makes the network's Macca and Gallagher fronted birthday programmes look so out of place: how do you celebrate a network by making the sort of shows it no longer does?

Three documentary series we particularly cherish - as in literally, by having them on cassette somewhere up in the loft.

You'll Never Be 16 Again was a history of the teenager, from the 'invention' of something between childhood and adulthood up until whatever was then the present day. It's a path that's been well trodden since, but the perspective it took - amused detachment from archive predictions of Teddy Boy-brought doom from the Daily Express set against the music of the time and first-person testimony - means it's seldom been bettered.

Peeling Back The Years was sort-of-revived, briefly, by BBC7 during its celebrations of John Peel's life, only even they could only be bothered to play one half of one episode, even though it remains something of a definitive biography of the man. In conversation with John Walters, Peel told his life story through the music which had driven it. It was an extended Desert Island Discs, but one which managed to avoid most of the self-indulgence giving six hours of radio to one man's choices would generate. Yes, it did feature Teenage Kicks.

Peel also presented Protest Songs, a four-part history of - you might be ahead of us here - political music. These ranged from the expected leftist sentiments - Shipbuilding - to right-wing calls for low taxes by Tex Payer. A few of the songs haven't been heard on Radio One since, we'd suggest.

[Part of Radio One More Time]

TAM Commandments: 6. If you've got it, flaunt it

Suddenly, we're so alluring: Queen B, from the mighty Marine Research:





[Buy Sounds From The Gulf Stream
Part of TAM Commandments weekend]

Fi-X Factor

Now, the news that a light entertainment programme like the X-Factor has apparently been making up bands from rejected soloists in a bid to try and twist the outright winner towards a group would normally be of little concern. However, we can't help but recall the ringing words of ITV head Michael Grade:

Mr Grade [...] said the current malaise, sparked by a rash of claims about premium phone lines and compounded by recent allegations that programmes had been rigged and competition winners faked, was "as serious as it gets".

Mr Grade said any producer found to have deceived viewers would be shunned by ITV. "If [Big Brother producer] Endemol or any other production company is found to have set out to lie and deceive viewers, we can't do business with them. It's as simple as that. Zero tolerance means zero tolerance."

We'll let you know what ITV will be replacing next week's X-Factor programming as soon as they announce it.

'... and then seven pounds for Toblerone from the minibar, Miss Winehouse'

No wonder Blake was so miffed at missing out on the Mercury Music Prize and its attendant big cash award: Winehouse has just been handed a nine grand hotel bill for her brief stay at the Sanderson. It's been helpfully tabulated by the Sunday Mirror:

Basic: £500
Minibar: £400
Linen/curtains: £1,100
Towels: £200
Repainting: £1,000
Blood removal: £3,000
New table: £300
Broken locks: £600
New lights: £400
VAT: £1,312
TOTAL: £8,812

Of course, if she'd been staying in a Travelodge, they'd have just thrown a new duvet over the bed and had a quick wipe-round with a damp sponge, and been happy with that.

Borrell pretends to be a Nazi

You can rest easily - we don't have the stomach to follow the link to see the promised News of the World pictures of Kerry Katona's topless holiday, so instead, we're going to focus on the story of Johnny Borrell's cough "sex romp with a virginal beauty".

A virginal beauty? Apparently, she's called Faviola Getti, and she claims that, prior to Borrell putting his paws all over her, she was very, very virginal indeed:

"It was all new for me. I had only ever kissed guys in a game of spin the bottle."

So how did Borrell manage to take a girl who'd never even kissed seriously, and wind up turning her loss of virginity into a five-hour "romp"?

Apparently by working through old Fawlty Towers scripts:

Johnny, whose band have sold over two million albums, ditched his trademark swagger for Basil's silly antics after Faviola told him she had NEVER seen Fawlty Towers.

"I told him I'd not watched it and his jaw dropped," she recalls. "So he did all the voices for me — Basil, Manuel and Sybil. He was marching up and down in his pants with his skinny legs all over the place. It was hilarious."

We're finding that very hard to believe. We've been trapped with people working through Fawlty Towers scenes - with all the voices, and it's always been more of a 'fuck off' than a 'fuck me' reaction.

All this took place back in 2003, so you might wonder why Faviola has now decided to share the thought of Borrell, striding about pretending to be Hitler. Funny you should ask:

Faviola liked it so much that she even wrote a song about her night of passion with Johnny on her MySpace page, myspace.com/fabsonline. "It was such a special time that I felt I should write about it," explains Faviola, whose single I Lost My Virginity by her band The Fabs is released on September 24.

The Fabs? Seriously?

TAM Commandments: 5. Don't be ashamed of your adolesence

Here, then, is an anthem to wasted, if not quite doomed, youth: Suede, doing So Young, live in Austria:



[Part of TAM Commandments weekend]

This week just gone

Seven days on No Rock and Roll Fun

The ten most-read individual stories:

1. R Kelly, an underage girl, some shagging: all caught on video?
2. It's not actually pictures of Lily Allen naked, you know
3. Andy Kershaw arrested
4. Beth Ditto, naked and confused
5. Mercury Music Prize: Live coverage
6. Dannii Minogue, strippers and a video camera
7. Is KT Tunstall dull?
8. Sanctuary Records closes for new material
9. Radio One at 40
10. Kate Moss Kills boyfriend

Also this week:
Radiohead finished work on their next album; N'Sync's old manager was arrested on multi-million dollar fraud charges; Pete Doherty drugged his cat but still stayed out of jail; Radio One announced new schedules although Paul McCartney is doing only the one programme; and someone discovered being a rock star is bad for your health.

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Five years ago:
In a week when ISPs are complaining about this new-fangled video choking up the internet and ruining them, it's fascinating to note they were making identical complaints about filesharing back in 2002; Warren Zevon was diagnosed with terminal cancer; Dave Rowntree embarked on a political career by standing the MU elections; old Top Of The Pops tapes were found in some sort of attic while Chris Cowey blamed the charts for any problems in the current programme; EMI dropped out the FTSE 100 and Radio One axed the Evening Session.


Single of the week: Candie Payne, part of a resurgent North West, with One More Chance


Damaged Goods releases long-awaited second Fabienne Delsol follow-up


The unsinkable Ooberman collect their rare recordings from 1991 until now


Oddly, even The Sun has enthusiastically received Kate Rusby's new album


Bluefinger, the sound of Black Francis resuming his disappointing solo career


For a futurist, John Foxx seems to revisit his old records rather a lot. This is the second special edification of Metamatic


... and it's 14 years since the first "special edition" of Too-Rye-Ay, too...


...while Kevin Rowland programmes a surprisingly Radio-2-in-the-80s style predictable Motown album


Twin Tenpole Tudor albums from the Stiff Anthology re-release initiative


... which also brings us 23 tracks of Jona Lewie