PINK SPARES MEL FROM HELL

Normally, you can rely on Pink to make sense, even if you can't rely on her to make more than a third of a decent album these days. But when she wanders onto the subject of Mel "the Jews are to blame for all the wars, oh, sorry, I've had a beer" Gibson, we can only conclude she needs new batteries for her bullshit detector:

"I'm a fan of his work. I think anybody with opinions like that needs well-wishing. And I'm Jewish. Alcohol makes you do crazy things."

Let's take this backwards, shall we?

Alcohol makes you do crazy things - like drunk driving, huh, which - lest we forget - is what Gibson was doing before he was stopped and given the opportunity to rant away. Drunk driving isn't "crazy", it's obscene.

I'm Jewish - You're what? Sure, your mother was a Lithuanian Karaite, which is roughly in the same field, but haven't you made great fuss of not being a member of any organised religion yourself? Claiming membership of a religion on the basis of being related to members of an off-shoot of an off-shoot simply to absolve a drunken boor of his guilt is going a little far, don't you think?

I think anybody with opinions like that needs well-wishing. - So, having deep-seated anti-Semitic views leaves you needing a hug, does it? We'll pop down to Hallmark to see if we can find Nick Griffin a nice card later.

I'm a fan of his work - Apart from making us like you a little less, what's that got to do with anything? If a heart doctor announced he was going to start shooting ducks, the fact he's pretty good at the cardiovascular business doesn't make it any less upsetting.

music pink mel gibson

NUMAN, OLD TRICKS

Gary Numan is going back to the future. Electronic pop's most famous monarchist has announced a mini-tour on which he intends to play only music from 1980's Telekon album.

Reading between the lines, this seems to be a desperate attempt to get fans to stop shouting out for Are Bloody Friends Electric every time he tries to play his bloody new stuff:

"For quite some time I have been concerned about those fans, most of whom have been with me for many, many years, that would like to see more older songs played live. As you are aware, my own desires have been to play less older stuff as each new album comes along, especially since '94 when things got much heavier and darker. I have struggled to come up with a solution. One that enables me to continue to play predominantly newer material at the shows and yet doesn't seem to be ignoring the wishes of those people that are a, not as interested in the newer stuff or b, do like the newer stuff but would still like to hear more older songs. So this is my first attempt at trying to do something that is some kind of a solution."

We're thinking of going and demanding loudly that he plays something by I Dream Of Wires.

(The dates are December 5th Nottingham Rock City; 6 Glasgow QMU; 7 Manchester Academy; 9 London Forum)

music gary numan

WHILE THEY FIX THE SHED PADLOCK, PEOPLE HELP THEMSELVES TO THE LIVING ROOM ELECTRICALS

A new poll of US teenagers has discovered that they don't consider borrowing a CD off a friend and copying it to be wrong. This, despite the attempts of the RIAA to educate them that not paying for music is straight-to-hell behaviour up there alongside masturbation and peeking at your sister's friends during sleepover.

Or perhaps because of. To judge by the report in the Orlando Sentinel, the repeated mantra of 'it's wrong to download for free, you must pay for music' has delivered a confused message:

Evan met a girl he liked, he made her a CD filled with songs by Linkin Park, the Blue Man Group and Eiffel 65. Why was his CD OK while his friend's verboten? Because Evan paid for his music in the first place, he says.

"I think you're allowed to make, like, two or three copies of a CD you bought and give them to friends," says Evan. "It's only once you make five copies, or copy a CD of stolen music, that it's illegal."

So long as someone's paid for the CDs, it's fine, right?

Oddly, 80% of teens "know" that downloading music from grey sources "is wrong" (although, of course, clearly that doesn't mean they don't do it) and yet the RIAA admits that it loses far more money through people copying CDs for mates than it does through illicit downloading.

"We've made substantial progress educating people that downloading copyrighted music for free is illegal," says Mitch Bainwol, RIAA chairman. "But we still confront a significant challenge educating kids that copying a CD for a friend is also a crime. This is a major focus for the entire industry."

Except, of course, it isn't a focus for the industry at all - when did you last hear of anything like the campaign against downloading (or even the anti-piracy sales campaigns) targetting what they call "schoolyard copying"? It's not that they don't perceive it as a problem, it's just that it would be tricky:

But when it comes to stopping people from copying physical CDs, high-profile lawsuits are much less likely to occur. Prosecutors say it would be next to impossible to get one teen to testify in court that another had slipped them a copied disc at lunchtime. And besides, isn't sharing music a time-honored part of teen friendship?

Added to which, with this form of copying the RIAA would also have to demonstrate a loss - to prove that John Doe would have bought the CD from Best Buy if he'd not got it from his mate.

It would be a lot of trouble, even compared with the trouble trying to pursue downloaders through the courts. And just as the White House preferred to pursue Iraq rather than the slightly more dangerous North Korea, even although Korea was the bigger threat, the RIAA bang on and on about downloads and don't worry about the CD for mates problem.

Surely, if all copying is bad, the RIAA should do something about all of it? But if they're happy to turn a blind eye to the guys borrowing their mate's Mariah Carey down the gym, they should just accept they have to share the same blind eye for the odd spot of filesharing. Because sending out mixed messages just confuses people still further. And will end up hastening their inevitable lack of control.

music riaa

MISTER HICKS... GET IN HERE

The apparent response of Justin Timberlake to Taylor Hicks' victory in American Idol - to the effect that Hicks couldn't carry a "tune in a bucket" - sent Justin's care team rushing out with a denial:

"Justin would never say anything that personal about someone he's never met. He only wishes him the best."

Well, we believe them. It's unlikely that as well oiled a machine as Timberlake would say anything vaguely interesting about anyone.

But surely being critical of somebody's singing isn't a personal attack, but a professional one? After all, if you said to a butcher 'the way you slice a chop is rather poor', you're not actually launching a go at his character or personality, are you?

music taylor hicks american idol justin timberlake

MILLS MAKES A MOVIE

We were interested in this little quote from the Sun's podcast:

"He's afraid that his phones are being bugged, so he's changed all the locks" - Its odd that Victoria Newton doesn't quite get how phone tapping works, what with her colleague from Wapping being up on those charges relating to the royal phone-tapping, but maybe she needs to warn Paul that you don't change the locks to stop people listening to your phone calls; only the foil hats can save you.

Meanwhile, Heather's apparent making of a video diary of the split has prompted yet another dreadful Sun headline based on their flop nickname:

You making Mucca movie?

Eh? What does that even mean.

Nobody seems to have thought that, just maybe, Heather's filming stuff because cheap cameras and cheap storeage means everyone films everything all the time now.

Meanwhile, "friends of Paul McCartney" are telling anyone who'll listen how heartbroken he is at the forthcoming legal break with his money. Sorry, with his wife:

One close pal said: "Paul has been left heartbroken by everything that has happened.

"He is not angry or bitter or full of rage. It's much, much sadder than that. He is upset, confused and lonely.

"He can't believe the way it has all turned out. As far as he is concerned, he always wanted their divorce to be conducted with dignity, diplomacy and discretion."

The Mirror stresses how keen Paul was to keep the split all civil and friendly:

But his attitude changed abruptly when the contents of a legal letter sent to Heather accusing her of taking three bottles of cleaning fluid were made public.

"That moment was a turning point for Paul," confided another friend, who has known the singer for several years.

"He became convinced that the level of detail must have come from one place - and that wasn't his own team of aides and lawyers. It dawned on him that the gloves were off."

We love the idea that Paul collapsed in sobs, feeling betrayed that his attempts to keep things nice had been thrown back in his face: "Honestly, you'd have thought she'd have been thanking me for not making a fuss about the half-box of Brillo pads she had away as well..."

More astonishingly, Fiona Cummin's piece for the paper seems to have been ghosted by Dame Sylvie Krinn:

PAUL McCartney sank back into his first-class seat on flight BA113 to New York and closed his eyes.

He sighed deeply. He had just endured one of the worst weeks of his life, leaving him emotionally battered and bruised.

His increasingly bitter divorce battle with Heather Mills had been played out in painfully public detail over the previous seven days.

Just three hours earlier, he had handed his two-year-old daughter Beatrice back into the care of her mother and was feeling horribly bereft.

Macca, who was travelling alone, contemplated his fate as the plane taxied down the runway last Tuesday.

Single again at 64 and embroiled in a scramble to protect his millions, the music legend should have been enjoying the fruits of labour instead of fighting to preserve them.

We imagine only a sub-editor stood between us and a chapter in which he removed his shirt.

music heather mills paul mccartney

MADONNA SNATCH FEAR FOR GUY

In what we're certain is in no way a load of bollocks designed to try and raise both interest and sympathy, apparently Guy Ritchie is seriously worried over threats to kidnap Madonna by the Russian mafia.

We're not sure why Guy would be so frightened - aren't you a geezer yerself, Guy? Can't you just scare 'em off with all those hardman contacts you've got in the British underworld? Or does it turn out your underworld friends number a bloke who once stole a magic marker from Rymans and the woman who once organised an unlicensed Lotto syndicate?

But who are these people targetting Madonna?

The Queen Of Pop is being targeted by ruthless heavies who don’t want her controversial Confessions Tour to go ahead in Moscow next month.

The mafia are going to kidnap her not to extort cash, but to stop the concert going ahead? Why would the mafia do that, unless perhaps they're promoting a rival Mariah Carey gig across town? Where, as they say, is the percentage?

Victoria Newton is proud that Madonna is going to face down these fears:

I’m glad Madonna is determined to play in Russia.

She has never performed there before and her fans in Moscow shouldn’t miss out because of a few headcases.

... and, let's face, if the price of stuffing her pockets with roubles is having Madonna missing for a few months chained to a radiator in the basement of an abandoned warehouse round the back of St Basils, then we're all winners in a way, aren't we?

music madonna mafia russia

SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL

Pete Doherty has swerved being sent into custody as his lawyer argued that an upcoming Babyshambles gig was "curcial to his recovery" - we'd love to see a medical justification for that, perhaps supported by piecharts demonstrating that underground rock gigs are the best place to go to avoid cocaine dealers. Instead, he's been remanded to the Priory. Which, by our calculations, means that sat over the Probiotic Rice Krispies this morning choosing if they'll do the seaweed wrap or the weights this morning will be a strange little trio of Doherty, Meg Matthews and Justin Hawkins. Let's hope they're kept apart before they hatch a Christmas single.

This morning, Pete's Mum, Jackie Doherty, appears to have given someone an interview:

Jackie Doherty, 52, says she first realised he had a problem when he turned up smashed to his gran’s funeral in 2003.

Before that she admits to feeling “smug” about how Pete and his sisters Amyjo, 28, and Emily, 19, had turned out.

She says: “I remember being so proud of my children who were bright, upright citizens.”

Now she has to keep her mobile next to her in case he needs bailing out of trouble in the middle of the night.

That, of course, is unlike most people who tend to leave their mobile phone as far away from themselves as possible.

Surprising support for Pete comes from the Daily Record, which gives him an editorial:

PETE Doherty is not the kind of lad you would want to take home to mother.

Kate Moss can probably vouch for that.

But Doherty is not the devil. He is not a drug dealer but a drug addict.

He hasn't killed anyone. The only life he has endangered is his own.

Well... actually, there have been suggestions that he has dealt at some point in the past; and the dumping of the OD-bloke in the street at the Aberdeen gig could be argued to have put someone's life in danger, but we understand they're being generous here to make a point.

It would be easy to dismiss Doherty as a self-obsessed hedonist, too selfish to give up his much-publicised wild ways.

He has the world at his feet, he's a rock star reportedly engaged to one of the planet's most beautiful women.

Would he really risk losing all that if he could help it?

Yesterday, a court ordered him to spend two weeks in the celebrity rehab clinic The Priory.

When he comes out, he faces jail after pleading guilty to five counts of possessing Class A drugs.

The truth is he is desperately sick and rehabilitation is the only answer.

Throwing him in jail will only give him access to more heroin than he could ever want.

Let's hope, by some miracle, Doherty straightens himself out before he becomes just another has-been rock star whose only hits are from heroin.

Which, of course, is a fair point. Doherty's lucky - if he was an addict who hadn't been dating Kate Moss, it's likely he'd be inside Pentonville tonight and finding it that much harder to plot a line of recovery. But maybe sympathy for Doherty is a bit of a waste; perhaps all that energy should be poured into trying to find a more fitting solution for the drug addicts who are caught in the same trap but without the support of a razor-sharp lawyer. Maybe, if Pete really wants to make ammends, he could think about cleaning himself up, and then using his knowledge to help others in the same position.

music pete doherty babyshambles

LILY ALLEN GETS OFF TO A WOBBLY START IN AUSTRALIA

Let's be honest, it's probably pretty unlikely that Lily Allen is going to be an international star with Shirley Bassey style longevity (words that, if you're reading this in 2020, you can shower with hindsight.) But who knew that she'd torpedo herself overseas before she even got started getting booed during her first Australian appearance.

It wasn't even a gig, just a PA at Sydney's Rebel Rebel - the sort of event it's hard to mung. But mung she did:

Lily MESSED UP mixing her own song and then HID behind the DJ booth as club-goers jeered. Last night one said: “It was obvious she was drunk and didn’t have a clue what she was doing. It was embarrassing.”

What will be more worrying for her management team is not the mess-up, but the glee with which The Sun has seized upon it this morning.

music lily allen rebel rebel sydney

"NO BRITISH" - COLUMBIA

In a curious spat which we fully expect to see being labelled "political correctness gone mad" before the week's out, Columbia records over-ruled Kasabian's plans to call their Empire album 'The British Empire':

An industry source tells [Gigwise]: “The band wanted to call it (their second album) ‘The British Empire’, but Sony (Columbia) were having none of it.

“They were worried about how ‘The British Empire’ might be perceived after some of the things that happened with colonialism.”

"Some of the things" that happened with colonialism - like it was an office trip that got a bit out of hand on towards the ends of the evening.

Mind you, considering that Kasabian have a doughy, beligerent belief that they are right and they have an inbuilt superiority over the other bands in the chart, maybe the name was more appropriate than Columbia might like to admit...

music kasabian

ZUNE AND YOUTUBE TILT AT iTUNES

We don't imagine that Steve Jobs is losing much sleep over the news that Microsoft's Zune will come with EMI music videos preloaded, as nobody seems entirely sure if that means that the Zune software will have them in, or the player, or the download store. Or, indeed, what EMI videos will be preloaded. Or, in fact, anything even approaching details.

Added to which, it's not going to happen until Zune appears, which with Microsoft's track record could be a long way off.

Still, EMI are excited:

"Apple has been an important partner in building the digital music market but any well-funded serious entrant has got to be good news for the artists and industry," Jeff Kempler, executive vice president of EMI unit Virgin Records America, told Reuters.

- not, you'll note, good news for the consumer.

Interestingly, if EMI videos are going to be given away with Zune, does this mean the RIAA's oft-repeated concern that people might get used to free music and come to decide all music should be free at point of delivery is no longer a concern?

Of more interest is YouTune's pledge to offer every pop video ever made, for free, supported by advertising.

Every one? Even Circus Circus Circus' Butcher Bitches?

That's quite a task.

And a hugely unlikely one - will the RIAA really be satisfied with the few pence in advert fees they'd be earning instead of the artificially high price per download on offer from the established music stores? It seems unlikely - especially when they were threatening recently to start charging MTV and the like fees for showing videos.

It's true that such a service from YouTube could, finally, be that hitherto mythical beast, the iPod killer. But it would also kill of Zune and all the other paid-for music services: and while executives might be happy to see Apple's dominance broken, they're not going to want to take down the entire market to make that happen.

Still, manufacturers of audiograbbing software must be hoping it all comes good for them.

music youtube zune itunes ipod

BOURNE OF CONFUSION

James Bourne isn't very impressed by anything he sees when he looks around the music world:

"That band [The Arctic Monkeys] were supposed to take over the world but they haven't. They are far too overhyped and overplayed - like James Blunt."

The Arctic Monkeys might take some solace in the discovery that Amazon are currently trying to offload several piles of unsold copies of Bourne's Son of Dork band's debut, Welcome To Loserville at less than two quid a go. Mind you, Bourne has a theory about this:

"We're never going to be as successful as Busted... because we aren't on TV as much as Busted were - and we won't be."

Well, yes - but why aren't on TV as much as Busted? Could it be because you're not as popular as Busted? And could that be due to, um, quality issues? Indeed, your debut single always seemed to be on the fluffier video channels earlier in the year, and that didn't seem to help very much, did it?

music james bourne arctic monkeys son of dork busted

can we just leave you to write your own 'ryan adams plays with willie' headline?

You'd have thought that Willie Nelson would have wanted to steer clear of the collaboration field, after The Highwaymen project effectively killed off mainstream support for his solo career; and to be honest, you'd imagine that anyone would avoid working with Ryan Adams unless ordered to by the court.

However, it looks like Nelson-Adams is going to happen (sounding pleasingly like a near-defunct East Anglian brewery) with Adams producing Nelson's new album and providing his backing band The Cardinals to provide Nelson's rhythm section.

We're sure it all went well once they got past the "I wanted to work with you because I admire you Canadian rock guys..." joke.

music willie nelson ryan adams

VENUEWATCH: London Astoria under threat

Following the purchase of the building by local property business Derwent Valley, there are fears that the Astoria, one of the capital's longest running live venues, could be about to fall to the gentrification of the neighbourhood. ("Gentrification" is spivtalk for 'ripping the heart out of a place and whacking the prices up by 50%')

Fifty Foot Woman has launched a MySpace campaign to save the place; it's worth throwing your weight behind even if your visits to London are only rare on account of the smogs.

music london astoria

MOONLIGHT BATHE THE GOLDEN GLOW

Something incredibly special coming up tomorrow at the How Does It Feel to Be Loved clubnight: Lawrence from Felt doing the DJing duty.

It's in London, of course, at the Phoenix in Cavendish Square. The next one, by the way, is on September 16th and will see Norman Blake from Teenage Fan Club on those all-important wheels of steel.

[Plug: Forever Breathes The Lonely Word including the masterly-titled All The People I Like Are Those That Are Dead]

music felt denim london

DOHERTY UPDATE

Pete Doherty has pleaded guilty to all FIVE charges of possession; these are from the arrests earlier in the year and not, as we'd mistakenly thought yesterday, a result of new arrests.

They're still deciding what to do with him.

1.15 UPDATE: He's going to be sentenced on 4th September; District Judge Alison Rose has warned him the options include jail.

music pete doherty babyshambles

WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT RUNNING BEFORE WE WERE WALKING?

Although it's not even started to tx yet, and although the trailers suggest that the UK version of The Sharon Osbourne chatshow is going beat the US one in the level of strain on sphincters, as they clench in horror, there's a push to call Sharon 'the new Cilla Black' admid talk of a spin-off Saturday night dating show. The long-awaited replacement for Blind Date, they reckon, although if Shazza is involved, we suspect it's going to be more like the new Love Me, Love Me Not. With Sharon as the new Nino Firetto.

music sharon osbourne

CALL FOR MORE SPICE

According to some sort of survey (yes, yes, we know, this sort of thing is less reliable than a Florida election return), The Spice Girls are the band most people would like to see reform.

We suspect this survey might have been conducted amongst an electorate consisting entirely of semi-impoverished former Spice Girls, although we can see the advantage of a reunion: at least if they were back together they'd all be in one place.

music spice girls

BRITNEY WORKING IT

Although she's not yet had the baby and thus hasn't lost her figure, so obsessed is Britney with looking good in People Magazine, she's undertaken a future series of strenuous workouts to ensure she gets her shape back almost as soon as she loses it.

Or something:

“I can’t wait to get back in shape. I’m so excited to really be able to sweat like I used to.”

That sweating was from the gym? We'd assumed it was down to guzzling Smirnoff Ice and rushing from wedding chapel to lawyer's office in hot climates.

music britney spears

POP'S MR. SEX FINDS POP MAKES HIM MISS ON SEX

It seems Justin Timberlake can't have any music on when he's getting humpy-humpy with a lady because it takes his mind elsewhere:

“I have trouble having sex to music because I’ll start picking out the chords.”

Don't worry, Justin, not all women hate having their chords picked out during sex. Some actively encourage it.

Hats off to the The Sun, by the way, for a nice piece of contextualisation on this one:

Justin [...] famously groped Kylie’s bum at the Brits.

This was mentioned, of course, for no other reason than to allow them to run the photo of Justin groping Kylie's bum at the Brits.

music justin timberlake kylie minogue

KEANE TAKES A STEP BACK

Great news! Keane have pulled some gigs because Tom Chaplin has been gutted.

Oh, hang on... Chaplin's gutted because Keane have pulled some gigs.

The band website said Chaplin had been "advised to take a proper rest so that he can get himself back to full fitness in time for the rest of this year's touring activities".

It's not clear if this is a similar bout of exhaustion to the type experienced by Lindsay Lohan.

Keane won't now play Ibiza, Dublin or T on the Fringe, but they will still play ("couldn't get out of the contract for") the V festival.

music keane

THE BARN REMAINS THE SAME

One of the redtops claimed a couple of weeks ago that - as part of his war on Heather - Paul McCartney had dropped attempts to save the ugly old lodge which they'd built illegally in an area of outstanding natural beauty. The claim was that Mills loved the ugly old erection, and out of spite, Macca was going to allow it to be pulled off the face of the earth.

Except, erm, McCartney has submitted a new application for retrospective planning consent and won the barn a stay of demolition.

Of course, if he really had been going to let them smash it down as a signal of a broken marriage, perhaps he intends to keep the eyesore, it's a sign of rapprochment...

Or maybe not. The Sun would never let them get back together - today it's running Mucca's topless again ('Mucca' being the nickname used by absolutely nobody outside Rebakkkah Wade's head); it's got a picture of her in a convertable. Topless, do you see?

And you'll never guess what she's done to cause trouble:

And she poked two fingers at the McCartneys by making sure she was seen in sunglasses designed by Sir Paul’s daughter Stella.

This act of aggression, though, was seen differently by the Mirror:

And just to show she has no hard feelings towards her estranged husband's family, the 38-year-old wore a pair of Stella McCartney's designer shades.

It is, indeed, hard to see how buying and wearing a pair of stupid and overpriced goggles is "sticking two fingers" at anyone. Apart, perhaps, from Foster Grant.

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail considers what the whole of Mills' post-split wardrobe tells us about her. In a clear indication that the paper hasn't yet decided what side it's coming down on, it hedges its bets with a mix of flattering and catty comparison:

I have to say that judging by the pictures on these pages of Heather Mills after her split from Paul, she very definitely falls into the camp of Teflon-coated women - Elle Macpherson and Tessa Jowell also spring to mind.

Well, at least it wasn't Kate Moss and Margaret Beckett.

music paul mccartney

IT'S LIKE A CONSTANT LOOP

At the start of the week, it was Pete Doherty and Kate Moss in love again.

Now, at the end: Pete Doherty has been charged with seven drug offences.

Second time as farce; fourteenth time as tedium...

music pete doherty

MOSS FATE NOT TO BE YATES

With the planned Michael Hutchence biopic getting green-lighted all over town, the question of casting has raised its sometimes ugly head. For some reason, Kate Moss was being rumoured upwards for the role of Paula Yates; we can't understand the reaction of Michael Hutchence's brother:

"Kate Moss to play Paula? I'd rather see Carrie-Anne Moss from 'The Matrix'"

Does the refusal to consider Kate Moss show a touching desire to protect the memory of Paula Yates on the part of the Hutchence family? And, while Kate would make a lousy Paula for so many reasons - not least being nothing at all like her - wouldn't anyone rather see Carrie Anne Moss doing anything at all than Kate, god love her, trying to act, making that the equivalent of "Having red-hot conkers forced into my armpits? I;d rather have a good lunch followed by sex on the beach"

[Plug: Not currently in the top half-a-million books on Amazon, Sex With Paula]

music carrie anne moss kate moss paula yates micheal hutchence inxs

KEVIN FEDERLINE DUMPS THE SHARK

If there's one thing Buddy Canyouspareadime loves more than himself, it's his sharks. But now, it seems, Britney has given Kevin an ultimatum: It's me, or the sharks.

We're not going to pretend that Kevin drew up a list of positives and negatives of both his wife and the sharks, but we do imagine he first pictured having sex with his fishy-like friends, and found it wanting; then he asked them if they'd be prepared to underwrite his humorous career as a Vanilla Ice impersonator.

So the sharks are going. But at least Britney says that Kevin can hang onto his tiddler, which might be all the fun he gets these days.

music kevin federline britney spears

KERRANG OVERTAKES NME AGAIN

Back when NME retook its 'biggest selling rock weekly' crown from Kerrang, after a short period at number two, Kerrang's spokesperson suggested this was just the loss of floating metal fans disappearing as the genre became less trendy again.

With the news that the pair have swapped again, EMAP aren't suggesting they've tempted back the fickle floating metalheads, but instead pointing to the powers of cross-promotion. However, it's worth noting that Classic Rock and Metal Hammer both posted strong increases without the need for the launch of any television programmes, so the chances are a good portion of the current market is responding to the joys of girlfriend-free rock rather than the existence of an FM radio station in Birmingham.

Kerrang is now selling just over 80,000 copies an issue, while the NME has slipped back to 74,000-ish.

IPC aren't even prepared to admit there's any sort of circulation battle between the two titles:

The NME publishing director, Paul Cheal, said that the two magazines were not rivals as they had very little crossover in readership or advertising.

And, certainly, Kerrang has shown very little interest in running features on the tenth anniversary of Knebworth or helping Lily Allen's PRise to to fame. We're not saying that like it's a bad thing, either.

Elsewhere in the music magazine market, Q remains the sector leader, but has lost another six per cent of their readership, although the tears at EMAP will be balanced by the growth of Mojo's sale. The Word nudges over 35,000, and freebie The Fly sees a small increase.

Uncut, meanwhile, has tanked somewhat, but they're pointing out that they've had a relaunch which hasn't been factored in there.

The top ten in full:

1: Q 158,271 (-6.1%)
2: Mojo 121,746 (1.0%)
3: The Fly 109,734 (1.5%)
4: Uncut 88,756 (-19.4%)
5: Kerrang! 80,186 (5.3%)
6: New Musical Express 74,206 (-3.4%)
7: Classic Rock 56,037 (12.0%)
8: Metal Hammer 45,359 (3.0%)
9: Mixmag 41,757 (-1.1%)
10: Word 35,142 (1.1%)

... AND AWAY WE GO

When Aleesha Dixon has a pop at Lily Allen - because of Allen's pops at other pop stars, oddly enough - she's not thinking about her own single, out this week, available in all good shops, you know.

No, she's worried about us, the public:

“I like Lily’s song but I don’t like hearing her putting down other artists - we should all support each other.

“It’s wrong to do it as it misleads the public.”

We're not entirely sure how Lily Allen is "misleading" the public, but we fully expect to see Nicky Campbell investigating this one sooner rather than later.

music aleesha dixon lily allen mis teeq

SOMETHINGS TO LISTEN TO

Some gorgeous stuff worth poking your earbuds in the general direction of:

Jarvis Cocker has started a series of readings on his MySpace page - the "Jarvcasts", an eight-part collection of short story readings.

Channel 4's experimental radio offerings are starting to develop into something interesting. Although they stripped the music out of the Big Brother FM podcasts (they left the jingles in, as they were hardly musical), they've sorted the rights which allows them to bring full sets from the T-Mobile street gigs. Magic Numbers and Hot Chip are kicking off the series.

You'll be able to make good use of the fast-forward button during The Sun Bizarre's podcast to decline the offer to "discover James Morrison" and get straight to the music from Cerys Matthews and the Divine Comedy.

The latest foray into podcasting by Troubled Diva includes everything you need to know about Madonna live at Wembley.

There's still time to catch Radio 4's history of Ibiza, recalling a time before the island turned into a giant vomatorium and provided a genuinely radical experience. [This link will decay after a week]

And, finally for this bunch, Michael Franti's report from Tuesday's Today programme reporting from his trip to Iraq.

music jarvis cocker podcast podcasts cerys matthews magic numbers hot chip ibiza

IT'S A COMPILATION ALBUM, THEN, ISN'T IT?

Although they're calling it "a new Babyshambles album", Back on the Bus is actually effectively something like those "I Love Mum" albums they bring out for Mother's Day - I Love Pete, if you will.

Still, it's a nice enough collection, including Bert Jansch (having something of a day in the sun, today), Graham Collier and The Stone Roses. A mixtape with knobs on.

music babyshambles

BETH WITH BABY

Beth Orton has cancelled her planned UK tour, on account of having done it with a man and getting a baby stuck inside her belly.

Her date with Bert Jansch on Septemeber 29th will still take place, but as she gets near her due date she's taking doctor's advice to put her feet up and concentrate on eating bootees and knitting coal. She's issued a statement which insists there's nothing to worry about.

music beth orton

JETS FOR SYD

In a double bid to memorialise Syd Barrett and raise money for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, The Mystery Jets are organising a special event.

Due September 18th at the Islington Union Chapel, it's going to feature the Jets alongside Lupen Crook and Kid Harpoon and Daniel Treacy from Television Personalities.

music mystery jets syd barrett

...AND YOU TAKE YOUR CHOICE

SHE'S had her share of trouble with men in the past, but Jamelia is now ready to settle down and marr y her fella, Millwall footballer Darren Byfield.

- 3am, Daily Mirror, this morning

JAMELIA is adamant she won’t be walking up the aisle any time soon.

The singer said although her boyfriend, Millwall footballer DARREN BYFIELD, asks her all the time, marriage is not on the cards.

- Bizarre, The Sun, this morning

"Darren asks me every second day to be his wife and we definitely will get married. Maybe sooner rather than later because my mum and his mum are on at us to get hitched.

"And my other daughter Teja is constantly asking, 'when are you getting married, Mammy?' We can't let them down now."

- 3AM reports what Jamelia told them at the Mobo nominations

“Darren asks me every other day to marry him but it’s just not the right time. It’s not like I’m not going to but I’m releasing new material now and I want to focus on that.”

- Bizarre reports what Jamelia told them at the Mobo nominations

music jamelia

MEG HEADS FOR THE PRIORY

We've always had a soft spot for Meg Matthews ever since she unwittingly turned Noel Gallagher into a figure of public ridicule by detailing his Primrose Hill party set doings in the Sunday Times ever week, so we're sorry to hear that she's depressed herself into the Priory for a bit of a holiday.

Mind you, Justin Hawkins is there at the moment, isn't he? Could she add a second comedy rock-throwback to her string?

music meg matthews

MEL MURPHY

Apparently, Eddie Murphy - who signalled his withdrawal from critical acclaim when he signed on for The Nutty Professor II - and Mel B - who has enjoyed a glittering post Spice Girls career - are seeing a lot of each other, and intend to bring their families together for the first time with a trip to Disneyland.

Surely it's not the best place to introduce your kids to your lover, though? Eddie is going to have to keep explaining "no, the woman dressed up as a mouse was working at the theme park; it was the woman dressed up as the leopard who is your new mummy..."

music mel b eddie murphy

DANNII DOWNSIZED

Back when Kylie was ill and her sister was happy to trickle out the odd detail, The Sun couldn't get enough of Dannii Minogue. Now the first string Minogue is back in action, though, it seems the days of gentle flattery are over. So over, in fact, she shares the ignomy of having to share a kicking with Geri Halliwell:

GERI HALLIWELL and DANNII MINOGUE are squeezing the last drops out of their dried-up careers.

(Geri, by the way, is planning on releasing a best of album, which at least is honest in using a comparative rather than an absolute.)

Dannii, though, is "taking a break" from music:

"I just love music but I need to step away from it for a while.

“I’ve also got the offer of some work on radio so I want to clear my head and explore new opportunities.

“Maybe I’ll go back to writing and singing one day in the future.”

Music has issued a statement insisting that it was its idea for the break with Dannii. Further, music says that it never loved her back.

music dannii minogue geri halliwell

TIMBO NO TO LOHO

We're not sure we believe a single word of it, but for what it's worth, Justin Timberlake is supposed to have barred Lindsay Lohan from his gigs because having her there, crashing around and telling lewd stories about what she got up to with Herbie's gearstick would be bad for "his image":

A source said: “Justin’s gig will be packed with Hollywood A-listers and a lot of important names in music.

“The last thing his label want is Lindsay getting hammered and making a spectacle of herself, taking attention away from Justin and his new album.

“He has a lot riding on his big comeback and he doesn’t need any distractions.

“His people reckon any association with socialite liggers like Lindsay are bad for his image and career.”

We think the key words are "taking attention" - in other words, he's afraid he'll play the audience stuff from his new album SexyBackSexyMeIamMrSex, but people will come out whistling Lindsay's stroppage.

music lindsay lohan justin timberlake

AT LAST, A PARIS HILTON STORY WE CAN GET BEHIND

The Guiness Book of Records people have, by some sort of mathematics and magic, awarded Paris Hilton the official title of world's most over-rated celebrity.

Not that she'll mind if there's a party and some press coverage.

music paris hilton guiness world records

AGUILERA DAMPS DOWN FEUD, KIND OF

To be frank, what's being plumped up as Christina Aguilera attempting to end the feud with her spiritual grandmother Mariah Carey looks a little more like an attempt to have the last word:

"She hasn't been nice to me, no. But honestly, I don't want to give her any more attention by even talking about it."

She added: "Sometimes honesty is my downfall."

Poor Christina - she's not a bitch, she's just honest.

music christina aguilera mariah carey

PHILLY PUNK FEST AXED

After violence outside, this year's Pointless Festival in Philadeplhia was cancelled by organisers R5.

The trouble started when a number of people attempted to gain access to the festival, held in the First Unitarian Church. Staff tried to keep those without wristbands out, and hurry those with inside, but the unwristbanded refused to leave. Police were called, and when the unwristbanded still stood their ground, violence between the police and gatecrashers broke out.

R5 promoter Sean Agnew has indicated they'd be prepared to axe the Pointless Festival entirely rather than risk their licence on the Church.

music philadelphia pointless festival

TAPES N TAPES SPLICE IN SECOND TOUR

Tapes n tapes are plotting a quick return after their already-announced UK tour this month; they'll be back in November, too:

London Madame JoJos – August 22
London Forum – 23
Sheffield Plug – 24
Leeds Festival – 25
Reading Festival – 27
London Dingwalls – 30
Liverpool Korova – 31

Belfast Radar – September 1
Dublin Electric Picnic – 2
Glasgow Indian Summer – 3

Oxford Zodiac – November 4
Birmingham Barfly – 5
Edinburgh Liquid Rooms – 6
Manchester University – 7
ULU - 8

music tapes n tapes tour dates

THERE'S LITTLE OR NO GOLD TO BE DUG

A decent overview of the Molly Ringwald-type movie subgenre dominated by John Hughes is probably long-overdue, although it's far from certain that one called Don't You Forget About Me is going to be the one. Anyway, Simple Minds are going to contribute more than a title, announces Jim Kerr:

“When we were asked to participate in the documentary, at first I was surprised that the original 'Breakfast Club' movie had became such a cult, since it was originally released 20 years ago. The song has become our biggest hit in America, and when we heard the rest of the original cast from the movie agreed to be interviewed ... we felt it was only fitting to participate."

And, of course, there's a chance of flogging a few records off the back of it, eh?

music simple minds jim kerr

WOMAN TRIES TO CHANGE LAW TO CATCH JAMES BROWN

Jacque Hollander, whose attempt to sue James Brown over an alleged 1988 rape was thrown out as an expired offence under the statute of limitations has pledged to change the law to enable her to press her claim:

Jacque Hollander told The Associated Press she wants her suit against Brown to change the statue of limitation for rape victims. In her civil suit, Hollander said Brown raped her at gunpoint in 1988.

"Car wrecks are a two-year statute of limitation, and I don't see where any rape victim compares to a car wreck," Hollander said.

Brown's lawyers have always denied Hollander's allegations.

music james brown

SORRY TO HEAR YOUR BAD NEWS... NOW, PAY UP

The charmless and heartless who make up the policy department of the RIAA have, yet again, proven to be even more charmless and even more heartless than our wildest imaginings.

They were pursuing Larry Scantlebury for some horrific level of damages that the labels believed he'd somehow stolen through file sharing networks. Larry died before he could cut them a cheque.

So, being all heart, the RIAA offered to give his family an extra 60 days to pay, to allow them time to grieve properly.

And, presumably, to sell his corneas so they can pass the earnings on to the record labels.

music riaa

RIGSBY WOULDN'T PUT UP WITH IT FROM HIS MISS JONES

If you're a landlord, there's probably a few things that chill you to the core - "how many cats", for instance, or "oh, no, I won't live there, I'm just renting it on behalf of Grace Jones."

Yes, Grace Jones had been living down on Chelsea Harbour, and it seems she didn't leave the flat in the same state as which it was found.

A writ for damages has been issued by her former landlord:

"The defendant failed to deliver the property in a tenable state.

Many of the fixtures and fittings were either missing, broken or rendered unusable as a result of being impregnated with cigarette smoke.

"The claimants incurred further costs in having to change the locks because the defendant failed to return the keys."

It also seems that, after Grace has been to stay, it's prudent to count the spoons:

[The] writ includes a demand for £168 for replacement of cutlery over the allegation that several spoons "had been blackened" on the underside, apparently on account of having been held in a flame.

We imagine Grace - or her guests - must have been attempting to make the spoons maleable enough to bend in a Uri Gellar fashion.

Jones' New York based agent Michael Schweiger reckons it's all a terrible misunderstanding:

"It sounds like rubbish to me. She would have mentioned it to me.

"I have never heard of any problems with that flat. She would not have left it in a mess...as far as I know she left there in good standing."

She would have mentioned it? "Hello, I'm just back from London... lovely trip; saw the Tower; burned the back of some spoons..."

Plug: (You won't believe the trouble I'm having getting the stains out of the) Warm Leatherette

[Plug: Oh, Miss Jones... - the complete Rising Damp]

music grace jones

THEY BETTER STILL HAVE THE PET SHOP BOYS THEME TUNE

The Clothes Show, the programme which once featured a pre-Ladytron Danny Hunt in a feature on student clothing (despite him not being a student) is all set to return to the television after a six year absence. Which might prove something about how fashions come and go.

Interestingly, they've managed to find a down to dumb from the starting point of original presenter Selina Scott: It's going to be helmed by Louise Redknapp, or Louise Whatusedtobeineternal as she was before she got married.

Of course, what Louise knows about fashion is probably summed up by her best single having been Naked. But we expect it can't be worse than Kelly Osbourne's rival rag trade show Project Catwalk.

music clothes show louise redknapp tv

LAUGHALONGAJLO

Although the words "po-faced" and "dour" come to mind more quickly than "chucklesome" and "humourous" when you think of Jennifer Lopez, that doesn't seem to be holding her back from trying her hand as a comedy producer on forthcoming US series Echo Park.

We love the idea of a script meeting where someone tries to pitch the idea of a middle-class girl who's got really rich but still tries to insist that she's ghetto, without the slightest hint of irony.

music j-lo tv jennifer lopez

CERYS SHORTS

The new Sky One season has been announced, and tucked amongst the seemingly never-ending reworking of "celebrity" formats is The Race, which is effectively little more than The Games, only with the focus on racing events rather than the field events. But what makes it of interest to us is the promise of Cerys Matthews as one of the racing celebrities. Alongside Goldie.

It's a bit of a strange vehicle for her, but then, as her FHM photoshoot showed, you can't always expect her to do what you'd expect her to do.

Next week: Sonya Echobelly confirms her role in Celebrity Egg And Spoon.

music cerys matthews catatonia

THE OLD BOYS CLUB LEE

We're not sure who, exactly, MTV thinks is going to watch its new Totally Boyband project, which pulls together the talents of Dane Bowers, New Kids On The Block's Danny Wood, S Club's Bradley McIntosh, and 911 singer Jimmy Constable, 34, but it won't be Steps fans: Lee from Steps has been kicked off the show because he had a "bad attitude".

It's like there's some sort of pecking order even amongst those who have gone beyond washed-up (let's face it, most of these have been washed, dried, stacked in the back of the cupboard and are on the point of being given to a bric-a-brac store...)

music lee latchford evans

HAWKINS HITS REHAB

Darkness activities have been put on hold as Justin Hawkins checks himself into celebrity-heavy spa The Priory (sorry, "clinic").

Oddly, his GP appears to have posted a statement to the Darkness website:

"It is of paramount importance that he [Justin] rests and recuperates over the next two weeks. I have advised him to cancel all work-related activities."

But, clearly, it's not serious he's had to go to a proper hospital.

music justin hawkins the darkness

HELICOPTER THRILLS WITH MACCA AND MILLS

It's taken two Sun writers - Richard White and Emily Smith - to come up with a brief report on Heather and Paul McCartney arriving separately at Heathrow. Presumably one of them was responsible for putting in, yes, the "dubbed Lady Mucca" reference.

We're not sure the opening paragraph quite stacks up, though:

THE depth of hatred between Sir Paul McCartney and his ex was exposed yesterday when they flew to the SAME airport in separate helicopters.

Macca, 64, was picked up from his Sussex home and flown to Heathrow for a New York flight.

Heather Mills, 38 — dubbed Lady Mucca over her porn past — was taken there with daughter Beatrice, two, heading for Los Angeles.

So, there arriving in two helicopters shows how much they hate each other. Or, erm, possibly that they started out on two totally unconnected trips from different places?

music heather mills paul mccartney

GELDOF REPLACES DOHERTY

After his gig for Hollyoaks stars and Sienna Miller, further evidence that Pete Doherty is now a light entertainer: as he couldn't make it to Ibiza, Peaches Geldof and Fifi Brown stepped in to cover for Babyshambles.

ITV must be keen to get him on Celebrity Pro-Celebrity Golf, and it can only be a matter of time before he says "go on, then..."

music peaches geldof pete doherty

NO-ONE WILL EVER HAVE PARIS

The walking trust-fund hatchet that is Paris Hilton has disappointed the standard-low, cash-hungry by taking a bet that she won't have sex for a year:

“I’m not doing it with anyone. I want to concentrate on work. I’ll kiss, but nothing else.”

We love the idea that turning up to appear in the odd pop video and issuing a few statements clarifying her relationship with Nicole Richie is the sort of "work" you might need to "concentrate" on, but we really hope someone in 2007 arranges a bet with her that encourages her to give all her attention to being shagged and not on making sub-UB40 cod pop reggae.

music paris hilton

MO MOBO FOR BEYOBO

Tonight saw the launch party for the Mobos, which having been a bit a puzzle for the last few years have finally decided they are, erm, "Europe's leading urban brand." They haven't bothered to stick out a full list of the nominations yet, but Corinne Bailey Rae has done quite well with three nods - despite some scientists claiming she doesn't actually exist; Beyonce has got four possible prizes (Best Song and Best Video for Deja Vu, Best R&B and Best International Female) and Lemar, Kano and Plan B will battle Sway and Nate James for Best British Male.

Which isn't really a celebration of anything much.

Hopefully the Mobo's nasty flash-heavy site will have the full list of names by morning. We really can't wait.

music mobo

WE THINK IT'S CALLED A HOMAGE

Illicit Clothing aren't happy with Pink: they reckon she's ripped off their Marty Edmonds' stylings for her new video. They're not happy at all:

Illicit and the Martin F. Emond estate is aware of the situation and are looking into what action can be taken.

Although to be honest, the goggles and open jacket is surely as much Crazy Frog as Martin Edmond, isn't it?

[Based on a thing from the mighty Popjustice]

music pink

MADONNA TO GET CLOSE LOOK FROM GERMANS

Having managed to get through the Italian dates, now Madonna's bid to generate some flaky controv on her current tour is getting a second boost: apparently there are German police with nothing better to do than investigate her stage show:

Should the nearly 48-year-old pop star perform the shock shtick, Johannes Mocken, a spokesman for the local authorities, told the Associated Press it could be construed as insulting religious beliefs, an offense that's considered not only insensitive, but illegal in Germany.

Rather pleasingly, the German authorities won't actually go and watch the event for themselves, but will "rely on media reports" to decide if she breaks the law. If you had a review column for the Rhein-Zeitung, wouldn't you be tempted to add something to your report suggesting she'd yelled "screw the lord" and recreated the crucifix scene from The Exorcist just to stir things up a little?

music madonna

UNDWARFED: Grogan festival

Continuing our mini-mid-summer festival of all things Clare Grogan, a collection of Grogan photographic weblinks:

Stills from her Red Dwarf appearances
As part of an interview with former editor Colin Shelbourn, Clare from the cover of Look-In
Limahl and Sonia get the grilling of their lives from Clare Grogan
Slightly bizarre shot of Clare opening a library or something

music clare grogan

THE OTHER GUYS BLINKED FIRST

The real reasons for the Blink 182 split - sorry, indefinite hiatus - have started to come out, as Mark Hoppus blames it all on Tom:

"Tom started saying he din't want to tour, that he was burned out and wanted to stay home. He wanted to cancel the tour.

"We understood that Tom wanted to be with his family. We all did. We all love our families and want to be with them. At the same time, this is our job.

"We are so lucky to get to do what we do the way we do. We love our work and want to be out there doing it, and it was being taken away from us. We had no say in it. Blink 182 has been a democracy since day one, and toward the end there it wasn't. it was all about one person. It felt ugly. It really did.

"Tom was deciding when we would tour, how we would tour, when we would have time off, when we would record, and how we could record. One person was dictating everything...Tom didn't even call to quit the band. He had his manager do it for him."

Heartbreaking - first you have to watch as Jason Grimshaw shinnies up a drainpipe to escape the wild-but-unwise love of Sarah Lou, telling her the wedding's off by text message; now we discover that Tom DeLonge couldn't even be bothered to tell Travis or, um, the other one to their faces that the band was over.

Mind you, maybe Tom just thought the wretch-making stench of a bad idea rotting would have given his chums the hint without him needing to spell it out.

Did it really have to come to a split, though? We're sure Rumsfeld would have sent in the army to re-establish Blink 182 as a democracy if they'd asked - sure, maybe with a puppet administration and Haliburton providing the drumming and bass services at a hefty mark-up, but democracy never comes cheap, does it?

music blink 182

KING OF CROCKERY

P Diddy is, of course, something of a hard guy. He's street, he's tough, he knows one end of a gun from another.

Just don't try and serve him sandwiches on paper plates.

That's the mistake Radio One made, causing Puff to huff and refuse to stuff unless there was proper china.

He also wanted the crusts cut off the sandwiches.

music p diddy ettiquette

IT'S NO V, SONIA

According to The Sun, the V festival people have refused to let Natalie Cassidy have free tickets this year after she was caught flogging them last year.

Mind you, with Kula Shaker involved this year, it might be less of a punishment than they imagine.

music v festival natalie cassidy

BLAND THINGS CASTLED

We're not sure if the chart of biggest selling albums is "of the last decade" or, as seems more likely, "so far this decade", but either way, it's heartbreaking. Dido comes out top, followed by James Blunt, David Gray and another Dido.

If ever you needed proof that popularity and quality are not the same thing, this would be it.

You might wonder what happened to the ability to innovate and inspire, typified by The Beatles at their best. Well, it's being crushed out the marketplace by the likes of, erm, The Beatles.

This would be the top five:

1. NO ANGEL, DIDO – 2,999,501
2. BACK TO BEDLAM, JAMES BLUNT – 2,849,823
3. WHITE LADDER, DAVID GRAY – 2,843,303
4. LIFE FOR RENT, DIDO – 2,785,383
5. 1, BEATLES – 2,679,221

We'll be over here, sobbing.

music dido james blunt david gray

EMBRACE DIY

Not that they've run out of ideas or anything, but Embrace are asking fans if they could come up with a video for the new single. If you make one - and we're shooting ours, featuring some men plodding across a well-tilled field without any apparent sense of direction - you can stick it up on YouTube where the best will be rewarded with a guitar.

Which means next time you can write and play the music as well, and cut the band out of the equation altogether.

music embrace

ANOTHER BABY SHAMBLES

Pete Doherty isn't, contrary to earlier reports, going to be sharing a stage with Peaches Geldof in Ibiza. He isn't going to be sharing anything with anyone in Ibiza, as he lost he passport, and his replacement photos didn't come up to scratch.

He probably tried cutting down one of those 3D NME covers of him from a few years back into a small square and submitting that.

This is the second time he's cancelled his appearance at Manumission this season; they've rebooked him to appear in September. We imagine they're not going to spend any money having posters printed up, though.

Meanwhile, Doherty played a mini-gig with Kate Moss at Archway's Boogaloo. The crowd included Sadie Frost and Davinia Taylor, which pretty much confirms Doherty's final shift from indie hero to part of the chundering classes.

music pete doherty babyshambles

YOU, YOU TUBE AND THE MUSIC: Grogan Festival

Amongst the Clare Grogan stuff you can find on YouTube:

Clare Grogan being interviewed by Sally James on Tiswas - however did thirteen year old boys cope with this in the days before TVs in bedrooms?
Get Set For Summer - before Peter Powell's show dropped the "for summer"
Dead Pop Stars live at the Futurama Festival in 1980
Saturday Superstore - sadly, there doesn't seem to be any trace of their appearance on Swap Shop, which we're sure we didn't dream, did we?

music clare grogan altered images

I COLLECT, I REJECT

It's been a while since we've come across an example of pop memorabilia as curious as the Rush 30th anniversary drum kit (and drum sticks). After all, a drum kit isn't a small investment, and choosing to be swayed because it had a logo celebrating the longevity of a so-so band: well, what sort of idiot do they think they're selling to?

Oh. Drummers.

music rush

"I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A SCRUBBER"

Do you get it? Boy George's joke, as he was starting his community service cleaning the streets of New York.

But hang about, George - wasn't it you who said you'd prefer a cup of tea to sex? As Ted Bovis once said, first rule of comedy, Spike, you must have consistency.

After a short period, the people supervising George moved him behind a "fenced-off area" to protect him from the press (which is a bit like saving Imolo, the man who sets fire to himself for kicks, from the barbecue pit). We're not sure entirely what sort of fenced-off area George could clean up to benefit the people of New York, but then we're not a legal expert.

music boy george

ILL-FATED STONES TOUR STOPS ROLLING AGAIN

Having stopped and started, the Rolling Stones tour stops again: Mick Jagger's gone down with laryngitis and everything is back within hold.

Spain has had its dates cancelled, and Mick croaked how sorry he was:

"I always love playing in Spain, but unfortunately I have no other choice and I apologise to everyone who bought tickets."

They could have just flown Phil Cornwell to do the vocals.

music rock sick list mick jagger rolling stones

THIS WEEK MORE OR LESS JUST GONE

What we did on the week that ended yesterday on No Rock & Roll Fun:

The ten most-hardworking posts:

1. Heather Mills porn pictures got a surprise boost
2. Where there's muck, there's brass... more Heather 'shocks'
3. The Mills-McCartney divorce turns even nastier
4. Is KT Tunstall a lesbian? Or maybe just a vegan?
5. McFly unzip their mcflies
6. RIP Tony Ogden
7. Lily Allen doesn't think her Dad helped her at all
8. Actually, just who is her Dad anyway?
9. Marie Claire slams Ashlee Simpson for picking her nose
10. Jessica Simpson records her break-up song

You can read all of last week's posts on one page,
or get a summary of the week before in a single post


Looking for a gift to take to friends overseas? Why not buy one of these, and then abandon it before going through airport security:


Before Mardy Bum, there was Sugar Bum... now Ooberman return to kick, erm, bum


Hefner finish up with a double collection of rarities and vaguely lesbian-themed artwork


Joy Division, Teardrop Explodes, ACR, OMD live in Leigh 1979


"That's not drinking, not to say really drinking..." - WHT Likely Lads season 2


Comet on Fire... Holy Teeth!


A 2006 edition of the Penguin Dictionary of Music

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD SURPRISED TO BE DULL

Oddly, while the Sun last week was telling us how hot Natasha Bedingfield is in the US right now, Natasha herself admits she's struggling with the perception that she's totally unmemorable:

"I've moved from London to Los Angeles because I want to be an international star. But, to achieve that, my record company tells me I need a bit of scandal in my life. "I can tell you, I was shocked. Maybe I should steal something from a supermarket. If I shoplift I could join Winona Ryder's club."

To be honest, Tasha, if you held up a Western Union and then hijacked a helicopter to get away, you might still find it a little difficult to get a job waiting at Winona Ryder's club meetings.

music natasha bedingfield

PROVING THAT IT'S AN ILL WIND...

Snow Patrol's US tour became snarled up in the John Reid inspired crackdown on people taking lattes and newspapers onto planes, as the band were attempting to get from various parts of the UK to America, and only a two of them made it.

Businessperson Frank Whittlefield, who was caught in the security tailbacks at Heathrow, told Channel 4 News: "I've been stood here waiting for sixteen hours, and my laptop, which I had to check, has already been sold on eBay. But, obviously, if all this upheaval means that just a few people are spared the horror of having to see Snow Patrol live, you can't complain, can you?"

music snow patrol

HERO TAKES A FALL

The health of former Pink Floyd manager Bryan Morrison is giving increasing cause for concern. He had a fall from a polo pony during a match last month, and has yet to emerge from the coma.

Like farmers, the polo club is blaming the weather:

"The heatwave caused the ground to become very hard, so there was no flexibility or resistance in the earth.

"His family and friends are becoming increasingly worried."

music bryan morrison pink floyd

CONGRATULATIONS, WE. ERM, THINK...

The feeling that Ozzfest is less like a heavy metal thrashathon and more like a day trip to Butlins is strengthened by the discovery that they do a beauty contest. (There's probably also bingo, too.)

This is Miss Ozzfest 2006 - Jennifer Parker from Buffalo. Interesting that they chose someone who looks like a curious melding of Ozzy and Sharon, isn't it?

music miss ozzfest

DRY OLD BONES

Since most of the bands - even the official ones - touring years after their star started to wane are, if lucky, boasting only a couple of original members; or, sometimes, just one bloke who once met one of the original members in bar - you can see how a rogue promoter thought he'd be able to get away with putting on a Redbone gig without any members of Redbone in it.

Indeed, the real Redbone were in a different state playing a gig.

The organisers of the Butte-Silver Bow Fair are now talking about suing the 'fake' Redbone; we imagine a defence will rest on the Mark Steel question outlined in his programme on Aristotle of 'are the Four Tops really the Four Tops?

music redbone

JAMES BLUNT FANS SHOULD BE SHOT

It's no surprise that we think James Blunt fans should be shot - although we only mean it metaphorically. What's more surprising is that James Blunt thinks they should be shot as well.

It seems he's firing rocks at people who approach his Ibiza villa (see? Ibiza really is just Torremolinos now, isn't it).

We make this only a few steps away from attempting to build a plane out of wood and covering the carpet with toilet paper.

music james blunt

... AND THEN HE SUCKED OUT HIS BRAINS

We're not sure encouraging someone to get drunker and drunker and keeping them out till nine in the morning drinking is actually the behaviour of someone "keeping a paternal eye" on a friend, but the most worrying question arising from Noel Gallagher and Serge Pizzorno's drunken bender in Ibiza is: did Noel make Serge sign anything while he was drunk?

We have visions of Kasabian being locked in to a six-album deal with Noel as senior songwriter. Which, admittedly, isn't worse than what they'd come up with under their own steam, but even so... worrying.

We imagine that Gallagher and P'orno traipsing about the island night is the official ending of any pretence that Ibiza jaunts are the summer choice for the beautiful people, right?

music noel gallagher serge pizzorno oasis kasabian

HOLLY THE SHEEP

Some people insist that Holly Vallance is little more than a Kylie clone. Simply because she was in Neighbours, like Kylie, and then launched a pop career, like Kylie. But it's not like she's followed Kylie's Street Fighter bad-movie-from-video-game mistake, is it?

Until now.

Apparently, Holly Vallance writhes topless in the trailer for Dead or Alive, a bad movie adapated from a video game.

Still, it's one in the eye for people who thought her career had hit rock bottom when she was doing the 0800-REVERSE ads. Seems there was still room for it tank further.

Coming in 2008: Natalie Imbruglia in 'Tetris2: The 3D blocks return.'

music games movies holly vallance dead or alive

THE HAND SHANDY WORLD BREATHES A SIGH OF, ERM, RELIEF

Although she's got a single coming out after doing the Celebrity X Factor, professional bit-shower Michelle Marsh has pledged to not turn her back on showing her front:

“I won’t suddenly give up modelling if my pop career goes well. I’ll never turn my back on the fans who have put me where I am today.”

In other news, Jodie Marsh has insisted that even should she win the Nobel Prize for Litar... littre... writing, she, too, will still stand in front of a camera wearing too much lipgloss.

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INSPECTING THE KATE MOSS RING

Depending on how you filtered the various stories from back when they were the toast of the tab's circulation departments, Kate Moss had left it with Pete Doherty that she'd quite like to get back together, but he had to kick the drugs first.

Mind you, the courts had told him they'd quite like to not send him back to jail, but he'd have to kick the drugs.

The courts, though, seem to have decided "well, he'd turned down a couple of joints so that's near enough..."

And maybe, so too has Kate: this morning's Sun reckons they're engaged. Kate and Pete, not Kate and the courts.

Or, at least, Kate is wearing a ring on her ring finger.

There's an insider, here, with something to say:

“He had a new implant fitted last week to help him dry out and went straight to Kate’s house. They’ve been inseparable.”

Although don't the implants only work with the smack and not the crack? Or is it the other way round? Still, nice to see a relationship where the model isn't the one with the implants.

music kate moss pete doherty

NOT THAT MADONNA WOULD USE HER KIDS FOR PROMOTIONAL PURPOSES, OF COURSE

Madonna really is rapidly running out of things to say, isn't she? She's already started repeating the Lourdes asking if she's gay thing. And reporting that Lourdes wasn't impressed with the Hung Up video:

"Yuck, that's disgusting. Why are you behaving like that?"

Most parents would take that as a suggestion it's time to look at what they're doing; for Maddy, it's a marketing point.

music madonna

IF RAV SAYS SO...

Is Rav Singh a real showbiz reporter, only whenever we come across his column in the News of the World we can never quite decide we can never quite work out if he's meant to be a funny-made-up person, like Bel Littlejohn or Andrew Neil.

Anyway, this week Raj (or "Raj") reckons that Kate and Pete are back together.

Oh, god, how you hope not:

My showbiz reporter Emma Donnan, the ONLY journalist who saw them backstage, said: "It's so obvious they are an item again. They spent a lot of time in Pete's dressing room."

One crew member told me: "Pete and Kate were all over each other—she couldn't stop grabbing his bum. They were like loved-up teenagers."

Another member said: "We were not expecting Kate to come down, but then she rocked up with Pete.

"They were openly kissing and touching each other in the corridor without seeming to care who saw them. They looked really happy and relaxed together— Kate couldn't stop grinning."

Fancy being in public and touching each other in their corridors.

We're a little late scrabbling through the tabloids this week, so it's probably already gone hideously, heartbreakingly, I-told-you-so wrong by now.

music pete doherty kate moss

WE DON'T THINK THIS CONSTITUTES AN OFFER IN THE LEGAL SENSE

Although we're sure there really is a "close insider" of Paul McCartney who really did talk to the News of the World saying that Macca would whip out the chequebook to rid of Heather, we don't think it's a genuine offer:

"If it was up to Paul he'd settle this matter now. If Heather turned around and said, ‘I'd accept £50million and go away quietly' then Paul would go, ‘Yeah, I'll write the cheque out now to get it all over and done with.'

"This divorce has now turned into World War III and it's hit Paul really hard. He really doesn't want the hassle of a court battle."

McCartney is, of course, well known for wanting to avoid court at all costs - it's not like he and the other Beatles/estates are always parading into lawyers offices because Apple Computers have done something musical, is it?

music paul mccartney heather mills