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ONCE A THIEF, ALWAYS A THIEF...: We're chuckling away over the evidence of Pete Doherty's past sins catching up with him - not so much that he appears to have pinched twenty quid from the delivery company he worked for, but that he was in a "retro Pizza Express ad" and worked as a model. We realise wearing flares and cords to flog dough boys might be almost on a par with being a rent-boy, but it's funny how the modelling seems to have slipped his mind...
I HAVEN'T GOT A STITCH TO WEAR: Panic at the Bedingfields, according to today's Daily Star, as someone has pinched the dress Natasha was going to wear to the Brits. They're puzzled how it could happen, as someone appears to have broken in to her stylist's house and targeted that one dress. There can't be that many people who'd even imagine Natasha had a stylist, surely? We wonder who could be responsible.
In other news: Daniel Bedingfield seen making discrete enquiries at Dolcis about heels.
THEY DON'T SELL SOAP POWDER, BUT BOY DO THEY SOUND LIKE THEY DO: Talking about this year's Brits, gorgeous, pouting Matt Phillips gets so excited about the likes of Franz Ferdinand that you can just hear him itching to send out a one meg powerpoint slide to everybody in his address book:
"There is a massive appetite for artistic bands like Radiohead, Coldplay and Franz Ferdinand that the industry has spent time investing in. We have a solid base of bands coming through that have durability."
Hold up a minute, there, gorgeous pouting, while we do accept that EMI did a lot of work to build Radiohead and give them time to find an audience - in fact, Thom and the boys might have been the last band to be allowed to do such a slow start on a major label - surely the original groundwork for Coldplay was done by Fierce Panda - not "the industry" as the BPI would portray it; and Franz Ferdinand have pretty much built themselves, and, again, are on Domino, who while strictly speaking are part of the music industry aren't really part of the Music Industry. Indeed, what the success of those two - and The Darkness, come to that - shows is that the mainstream industry is more reliant than ever on waving a chequebook to buy up acts whose first steps are invested in by independent, free-thinking labels. It disproves again the great lie that major labels invest in the talent - they don't; their skills and investment are targetted on marketing, something they do do rather well. But if we were relying on the Big Four to bring us our kicks, we'd be stuck listening to Elvis re-releases and Dido. Maybe the Brit awards should have a Best Advertising Campaign gong?
THAT'S US TOLD, THEN: Blimey. Oasis are going to do a (very, very small) North American tour after all. USA (and Canada) can you wait?
Toronto-Molson Amphitheatre (June 17)
Detroit Meadow Brook Amphitheatre (18)
Chicago-UIC Pavilion (20)
NYC Madison Square Garden (22)
Philadelphia- Festival Pier @ Penn’s Landing (25)
Support on all dates comes from Jet, unless the Gallaghers notice they're less popular than the band supporting them. There's also going to be a couple of dates in Newcastle, too, as part of the 'if we play large enough venues, the chatter might drown out the awful music' tour - they'll be at the Arena July 12th & 13th.
THE GHOST OF JANET JACKSON'S NIPPLE HANGS OVER THE SUPERBOWL: While in Britain, Murdoch is facing legal action from the now-defunct political party Conservatives over a story they ran which suggested one of their organisers was realistic, in America his Fox Network is being sued for axing a Superbowl ad. The advert, for godaddy.com, was a light-hearted parody of last year's Janet Jackson nipple moment. Fox - which was keen to upset neither the NFL nor the Jackson family - didn't run the advert, causing go daddy to go wild.
On the other hand, Fox did also spare the American public the trauma of an advert featuring Mickey Rooney's arse, so they're not all bad.
DOHERTY GETS NEW COURT DATE - STILL NOT OUT, THOUGH: The difficulty in raising money for his bail bond still doesn't seem to have been cracked, as Pete Doherty remains in jail at the moment. Apparently, there had been a plan to get hold of the GBP150,000 bond but it turned out Carl Barat had got a new lock on the front door and the locla Neighbourhood Watch guy was hanging about. There's still hopes he'll be out today, though. Meanwhile, Colombia has announced the hit their GDP is taking may lead the closure of all the schools there.
Doherty will be back in court regardless on February 21st, to face charges of robbery and blackmail.
LOOK! LOOK AT ME!: Kelly Osbourne says that without her spell in rehab, she'd have absolutely nothing for the promotional interviews for her new album ("she'd be dead"). She's not dead, though, and has the dull story to prove it:
"I did so many different types of pills that the stuff in them was rotting my liver and stomach. I'd be throwing up blood in between smoking, drinking and taking whatever I could get my hands on."
... which, to be fair, would have been 'anything' in her household.
She says that her time in rehab has taught her not to be so blunt about celebrities - possibly, then, it was just good ole bile that was rotting away her insides. She then proceeds to give Louis Walsh a twatting. Which is a bit like seeing Syd Little give Ernie Wise a dressing down:
"Louis said he hated me and he thought I sucked. Two years later I was in the same room as him and he didn't even have the balls to introduce himself to me. If you're going to be on a show where you slate people, at least have the guts to say "hello" to someone you slagged off."
Perhaps he didn't recognise you without the stench of rotting liver?
TIMES GETTING HARDER: Things must be worse for Oasis than we thought; apparently Liam had to rely on an invite from Chris Evans to get into the Brits. Noel, meanwhile, has been texting that 'win tickets' line all day and is still hopeful that he might get to go, too.
PUBLICITY WHORE THREATENS PERSON TAKING HIS PHOTO: Robbie Williams, of course, loves Robbie Willams the best. But after that, he loves talking about Robbie Williams, and then doing things to make people look at Robbie Williams. Which is why it's a bit odd that he should have over-reacted so astonishingly when Dennis Stone tried to take a picture of him at Heathrow Airport. One of the gentler, more respectful generation of celeb snappers - more Life than Heat - Stone claims that Williams told him he could pay to have someone break the photographer's legs.
Of course, there have been rushes to deny the story: "friends of Robbie" saying that he actually said to Stone "If your editor told you to break my legs, would you do it?", which is such an obviously unlikely thing for someone to say they might as well claim that he said "I am a goat with no hamsters" or something. In fact, it's quite incredible that having threatened a 72 year old man, they then attempt to call him a liar and hard of hearing into the bargain. What a piece of work.
IF IT WERE US, WE'D BE A BIT PISSED OFF: The idea behind ITV's trails for the Brit awards are cute enough: the bands of today, pictured at some unspecified moment in the future, looking back to the great time they had at the 25th anniversary. The trouble is, of course, they manage to be unfair to both older people ("ha ha, look at the elderly man wearing young people's clothes") but also the very talent the awards are meant to be praising - so, for example, Ana Matronic is portrayed as a vapid bubble-head barely able to string a word together, much less a full phrase. Not very well-considered.
MARDI GRAS SIGHTINGS: This comes from Daisy, trading these days as I Still Have A Snake, who went last Wednesday to a New Orleans celebration. Although she didn't see James Bond attempting to chase a SMERSH agent through a throng of people with large paper maiche heads, she did get to see something even more astonishing:
So last night I went to three different Mardi Gras parades. The middle one was Muses, an all-female krewe that's famous for their shoe theme, like one float has a gigantic shoe on it with parade ladies popping out of it, and there's a giant bathtub float with girls in bubbles throwing beads out of it.
Their theme this year was TV shows, so each float was a TV parody, like one was "Buffy the Flying Cockroach Slayer." Some krewes do band or movie or political parodies instead, so I wasn't really paying much attention when I came back from the bathroom and Jeff said, "Look, it's the Go-Gos." There was a float stopped right in front of us, but it didn't look like a Go-Gos parody to me. It was four or five middle-aged women in pink and purple wigs. I said, "What makes you think it's the Go-Gos?" and craned my neck to see the float's title. Jeff said, "No, dude, it's the REAL Go-Gos."
I didn't believe him at first, but then I realized he was right and I was totally starstruck. They were all standing two feet in front of me; I could have had a conversation with any one of them but I couldn't think of anything to say. "Look, that's Belinda," said Jeff, "and that's Jane." Another one, whom we couldn't immediately identify, was giving beads to the kids in front of us. "Are you going to get an A on your spelling test?" she asked. "Yeah," the kids droned, accepting their beads. "Give us a football." They were unaware of the ladies' celebrity status.
We're not quite sure if this counts as 'pop stars in reduced circumstances' or not; we suspect it's just the sort of thing that The Go-Gos like to do.
KEANE PLAY BULL AND GATE: And no cruel words about how in a year's time they'll be lucky to do that - although we do still sometimes stop and think "Hopes and Fears sold more than Franz Ferdinand. Can that be right?" Keane are going to be celebrating the 11th anniversary of Fierce Panda by doing a date down at the Bull & Gate. February 24th, if there's still tickets going.
Buy: Ten Years of Fierce Panda
PETE REMAINS INSIDE: If Mr. Doherty had been imagining he'd be getting to appear through the doorway with a small brown parcel of his belongings, he's going to be having a somewhat disappointing night - his bail cash still hasn't come through and so Pete's going to be inside for another night.
Presumably, he'll be thinking "the record company aren't exactly falling over themselves to get me out of here, are they?"
DOWNLOADS NOW SINGLES - IN THE US: In a move which finally places downloads on a par with proper singles, Billboard is set to incorporate download sales into its Hot 100 from right now. The already complicated chart, which factors in how many times records are played on the radio as well as the number of records sold over the counter, now takes on an extra level of complexity.
In addition, to make things even more confusing, Billboard is launching a companion chart, the Pop 100. This chart will add in digital downloads, proper sales in shops, and airplay - but only on stations which play chart music. If you think about this too hard you will fall over. Surely all a chart does is reflect what's popular? So isn't any chart a Popularity Chart by its very nature? And if you produce a chart that has rankings which are determined by how many times radio stations which programme according to how records are ranked in a pop chart are played, won't this in the long run lead to there just being one, super-dense record at number one forever? Probably Maroon Five?
You might wonder what's happened to the plan to add downloads into the UK chart. Well, apparently it's just not as simple as it sounds, you know:
A spokesman for the British Phonographic Industry (BPI) said the first combined UK download and sales chart was due to be compiled "within the first half of this year".
"Work is going on across the music business right now to make sure the new chart works to plan," he said.
Righto - so that would be what, then? Since you can already chart downloads - otherwise there couldn't be a download chart - surely it's just a matter of adding the download figures to the sales figures? Why does that require "work", unless there's some jiggery-pokery going on to ensure that the chart doesn't actually reflect the real numbers? What is the "plan" - surely anything more than "We add in the download sales and see who's sold the most" is just corrupting the data?
The BPI spokesman described the UK music download chart, compiled by the Official Charts Company, as having been "a great success" since its launch.
"It has provided a focus for the industry and has really driven interest in downloads among music fans," he said.
How sweet... the BPI are pretending that the download chart is making the kids go "Hey... what's that? You can get music on a computer? But how?"
WE MUST SEE: Reporters are agitating to be allowed to look at the questionnaires filled out by the potential jurors in the Jackson trial, citing that "a prurient interest" and "that otherwise, we're starting to run out of stuff to write about" ("really vital to serve as a check on the process.")
Meanwhile, if Michael's mother had been on the potential shortlist, she'd have ruled herself out by her announcement that she's 100% certain that Jacko is innocent. Katherine Jackson has been talking to Fox News (the Murdoch company is clearly positioning itself for 'first exclusive interview if Jacko is acquitted)
"I believe that for one reason - I know his character," she said. "He loves children. You don't molest anything that you love."
Um... actually, isn't that precisely what you do do with something you love? Kiss it, and hug it, and call it Dave?
Describing Mr Jackson as "a good person", the mother-of-nine said she feared he would not be given a fair trial. "I can't sleep thinking about what these wicked people might try to do to him," she said.
So she seems to have already had him convicted and up on D-Wing, then.
We're surprised that she didn't try a more honest tack: "Michael never played with small children when he was a small child, so why would he start now?"
FURTHER FACTORY CLOSURES: One of the few recording studios that could actually be used to benchmark "legendary", New York' Hit Factory, is to close.
Used for some or part of the recordings of Billy Joel, late period Stevie Wonder, Whitney Houston's Bodyguard soundtrack, Paul Simon's Graceland and the Lennon-Ono double smug-in Double Fantasy, it's a miracle the place hasn't been razed to the ground by music lovers before now, but it's actually digital recording which has affected the studio's profitability. The team who run the place are going to downsize and relocate to Miami, presumably to a retirement condo complex.
The studio was the last place where John Lennon spent his last hours, and also one of the places where attempts to murder 50 Cent failed, so the new owner might want to look to improving the security.
NOW THIS MAKES MORE SENSE THAN WE WERE EXPECTING: Look who's won the best comedy actress award at the Colorado Film Festival:
Yes, that's Andrea Corr. Clearly, we thought The Corrs were a straight act, but it turns out we've been misjudging them: they've been a parody of The Nolans in the style of the Cranberries all along.
OPRYOBIT: The death has been announced of Merle Kilgore. Born in 1935, Kilgore originally made his name as a singer-songwriter, with the emphasis more on the the second half of the job description. He wrote Webb Pierce's More and More, Claude King's Wolverton Mountain and, his best-known work, co-wrote Ring of Fire with June Carter Cash. However, the Cashes would later cast doubt on his involvement with the song - June saying "he encouraged me to write it, and let's leave it at that", while Johnny was given to muttering darkly that Kilgore deserved the credit not at all.
It was as a performer that he first met Hank Williams Jr, who he would go on to manage. In a busy career, he also found time to carve out a career of movie cameos - notably Altman's Nashvilles, Coal Miner's Daughter and Living Proof; to be "singing host" at George Jones' Possum Roller club; to work extensively as a DJ and to become an honrary State Senator of Tennessee. He was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1998.
Kilgore died on Sunday 6th following congestive heart failure, a side-effect of the cancer treatment he was receiving.
SURE, NO TITS: BUT NO TRAFFIC SPIKE EITHER: Huh... call that a half-time show? The 39th Superbowl trotted by in polite style - Alicia Keys' pre-show America The Beautiful (in what, for a proper FA Cup, would have been the 'Ed Stewart leads the crowd in 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' slot) was a curious tribute to Ray Charles - totally, totally, without heart or soul; McCartney at half-time wasn't really a patch on his Glatonbury set.
We did feel a bit sorry for Macca, though, as at the press conference promoting his appearance at half-time, he'd prepared a small joke ("there won't be any wardrobe malfunction, as I'm going to be naked") but he got to the middle of the sentence, left a perfectly timed pause, only for some journalist to jump over the punchline with a question.
Anyway, if you're keeping track: Drive My Car; Live And Let Die (its "ever changing world in which we're living", can we now move on?); Hey Jude and Get Back.
OUTRAGE COME TO TERMS WITH 'MURDER' MUSIC: It looks like the long campaign against those few reggae artists who sing songs about murdering gay men and women is over, with news of a 'peace deal' between the Outrage/Black Gay Men's Advisory Group's Stop Murder Music committee and US and UK concert promoters and labels.
A "music strategist" called Glen Yearwood has been representing the British and American arms of the reggae industry is very pleased with the result, while OutRage's Brett Lock is equally delighted:
"We welcome this framework agreement and are suspending the Stop Murder Music campaign. We are giving the singers and the music industry an opportunity to draw a line under the promotion of lyrics that incite violence against lesbians and gay men.
"Providing the singers do not in future encourage violent attacks on gay people, the campaign will remain suspended.
The curious thing, though, is that the "deal" - which Scotland Yard also had a hand in - is little more than a climbdown by Outrage. The labels have promised that they won't release any more stuff that contains violently homophobic sentiments - but then, it's unlikely they would have attempted do so anyway - but stuff that is already out there won't be withdrawn; and since we've seen situations in the past where labels have claimed their artists have apologised for their homophobic lyrics, only to see the artists turn round and say "Bugger that" (for want of a better phrase), it's a little ominous that this deal has been cut totally with people who have financial interests in clearing the way for the artists to be able to tour again in the UK and US. Not a word in any of the reports suggests that the artists at the heart of the row haven't had any input into the process, nor made a single concession. In short, it's got all the permanence of a promise from a mother to a headmaster that her Stanley won't cause any trouble, even as he sets fire to a first-former outside the headmaster's office.
Wasn't the whole point of the campaign to try and help stop attacks on gay men in Jamaica? It's not clear to see how this is going to have any effect on those attacks.
MULLEN SAYS 'SORRY': The U2 ticket screw-up has really overshadowed the band's box-office breaking record thing, but it's only fair to point out that Larry Mullen has said sorry, admitting that bits of the problem were down to the band:
"There was a mess up in the way the tickets were distributed through U2.com for the Vertigo pre-sale. Some of it was beyond our control, but some of it wasn't" Mullen writes at u2.com.
"I am now in the process of figuring out a way of distributing the tickets for our intended return to North America in the fall" Mullen says. "The only fair way of doing this, is to give U2 Propaganda members, who are now U2.com members, priority in the queue".
"After that, people will be given priority in the order in which they joined. Many people who joined U2.com and didn't get tickets are understandably angry. They now have the option to get a full refund of their subscription fee.
"The idea that our long-time U2 fans and scalpers competed for U2 tickets through our own web site is appalling to me. I want to apologise to you who have suffered that.
"If your U2.com pre-sale experience has left you disappointed, I hope this will go some way towards reassuring you of our total commitment to our audience."
Of course, the sorry won't make much difference, but at least Mullen isn't hiding behind a load of excuses about telephone exchanges and servers and things like, ooh, someone responsible for a ticket mess-up we could think of.
INSURANCE JOB: Britney is having a bit of trouble with her insurance people. When her knee gave out during the Onyx Hotel tour, her management rumaged around in the document drawer in the sideboard to make a claim on the insurance. To their horror, the insurance companies chose not to pay out, pointing out that when the insurance had been taken out, Britney had saod she hadn't had surgery within the past five years. And even if you believe that the breasts are the ones she had when she was 18, she'd still had knee surgery four years, eleven months earlier. Britney said she's "forgotten" the surgery - because in her line of business, you might forget having an operation that could, if it had gone wrong, buggered your career while you were still a teenager.
Britney Inc. is suing the insurers, though, on the slightly odd grounds that they'd insured her in the past knowing about the surgery. Which doesn't really seem to be an argument to us.
DYKES SEX WITH DOHERTY: In other Pete Doherty gossip-related-news stuff, someone who's had sex with him has come forward to sell their story - sorry, tell their story. "I had sex with a rock star" wouldn't really be of any interest, but the Sunday Mirror loved the hook that this was another woman, also called Kate. Kate Dykes, actually.
Blonde lapdancer Kate Dykes, 22, last night told how she romped with addict Pete in a dingy disabled toilet.
Shockingly, neither are disabled, and so should have been using the able-bodied toilets. It's not yet known if either have a RADAR key to which they are not entitled.
Kate said: "It didn't last for very long."
Don't you hate it when someone fucks you in a disabled toilet and doesn't give you a couple of hours of foreplay first? At least if you shag Sting in a portaloo, you know it's worth putting your phone on transfer.
"I got the feeling this was something he got up to a lot after performing on stage - taking drugs and picking up girls. He wasn't bothered about protection either."
Which is really shameful - after all, the one place where you can usually be guaranteed to find condoms is in a toilet.
"He kissed me after he snorted some cocaine and we started having sex. At one stage I looked at him and thought, "Oh my God. What am I doing?"
A lapdancer, surely, would know what she was doing in the middle of sex?
"People were trying to come into the loos as the lock was broken. Pete looked really agitated. He was completely out of it and didn't even ask whether we should use a condom. When I mentioned it he just nodded like he didn't care and carried on. I decided to take control of the situation and perform oral sex on him."
Well, thank God you were able to take control of the situation. Some people might have found themselves being bounced by Pete's minor celeb status into having some sort of seedy, self-hating sexual encounter with him a toilet cubicle, you know.
"After the sex Pete quickly put his trousers back on and went back to the party. I sat with him for a while but called a cab and left on the quiet. As much as I like Pete as a musician, I knew I had made a mistake and didn't want to have to go back for more with him later on."
Well, exactly. Even if it could be slipped in quickly between two bangs on the cubicle door.
"Pete is going around telling everyone he's had a tattoo with Kate Moss's initial K as a sign of his love for her. But he's always had that tattoo - it was the first thing he showed me."
... and I think we can all guess what the second thing would have been.
DOHERTY: THE BALLAD OF PENTONVILLE JAIL: As if the number of people pushing themselves forward to throw cash into the hands of Pete Doherty weren't already high enough to keep him more tha high enough, publishers are jousting each other to get a look at his poetry. Sniffing a quick cash-in, apparently Snipcock and Tweed et al have heard that Pete's been writing poems since he was a teenager. Poet Roddy Lumsden reckons it's be a good call for any imprint:
"I certainly know he's got a lot of fans who would lap up his stuff.
"I used to see him around on the performance poetry scene and he was quite good. He's very lively and he can write. He's definitely a talented lyricist. I teach poetry at City University and one of the lads in my class was inspired to come along because Pete's lyrics got him into being a writer. I'm introducing this young guy to lots of other stuff now."
And it might allow people to stop calling him a drug-addled waster in the mould of Sid Vicious, and move on to calling him a drug-addled water in the mould of Rimbaud.
WE'RE REDRAFTING OUR PREVIOUS ADVICE TO RAPPERS: We've suggested in the past that, if you're driving about with loads of drugs in your car, you might want to try not driving badly so that the police pull you over and escalate the traffic violation into a drug offence. In light of Suge Knight's run-in with the cops, we'd like to change the force of our advice to make it even more important when you've got an 18 year old girl with false ID in the driving seat, you're driving without insurance and got maryjane in the glovebox. And you're already on probation.
NEVERLAND TRIAL: So we can do our bit to help make sure that the full glare of publicity gets thrown over the Jackson trial - after all, there's a thousand reporters covering it and it would be a shame for their work to go unrecognised, here's a handy index of No Rock posts to date about the trial (we'll be updating this page as the case continues):
15.06.04 - Jackson's bail remains set at a level reflecting his billionaire claims
18.06.04 - Jackson upset about leaking of the details of his buy-off
24.06.04 - Jackson fans launch online defence of the man
2.07.04 - Judge seals Jackson court papers because people are interested in them
10.07.04 - Jackson slapped down for getting too gabby in public
21.07.04 - Jackson denies he's got a surrogate mother cooking up some quads for him
27.07.04 - Defense claim prosecution "an attempt to take down a celebrity"
2.08.04 - Small boy injured driving a tractor at Neverland
3.08.04 - VH1 make a Jacko biog covering the tale right up to the car-dance
7.08.04 - Defense claim prosecution witheld paperwork
15.08.04 - Judge orders investigation into 'manhadling' charges remain sealed
16.08.04 - Jackson goes to church "to see the children"
17.08.04 - The Jackson clan turn up for the pretrial
18.08.04 - Attempt to have all Neverland evidence ruled inadmissable rejected
19.08.04 - Jackson asks to make a statement about his mistreatment
21.08.04 - Police went too far, claims defense
24.08.04 - Jackson death-threat man in court
3.9.04 - Just how many kids have been paid off so far?
3.09.04 - Stop Filthy Press formed to fight for Jackson's honour
4.09.04 - Jackson explains payments to past accusers as part of trying to make the world a better place, or something
17.09.04 - Pretrial told maid acted 'oddly'
18.09.04 - Jacksons defense attempts to explain previous pay-offs without making it look like he's guilty
22.09.04 - Jackson defense denies nudey kiddy pix found at ranch
29.09.04 - The Oslo child: what the hell was that all about?
5.10.04 - Jackson defense call for DA removal for "secret" reasons
11.10.04 - Jackson sources threaten Eminem with legal action over parody
14.10.04 - Jackson sued by "herbalist"
14.10.04 - Judge Melville rejects calls by defense for case to be thrown out
2.11.04 - Attorney General rubbishes defence attempts to have DA removed
3.11.04 - Macauly Culkin, Aaron Carter and others lined up for trial appearances
6.11.04 - What happened to Mark Steel's Jackson punchline?
8.11.04 - Did Nick Carter leave Aaron at Neverland?
11.11.04 - Prosecution wants to see shopping trip details
12.11.04 - Fox makes room for Jackson
17.11.04 - Jackson didn't pay for rebuttal video, says producer
19.11.04 - Jackson didn't pay for dancing girl, says store
25.11.04 - Jackson team wants accusers' family's heads checked
30.11.04 - Jackson defence team asks for details of accuser's sister gynacological records
2.12.04 - Attempt to cover Jackson in blood fails
18.12.04 - Jackson puts child-fiddling trial behind him by inviting 200 kids for tea
19.12.04 - Jackson denies taking the piss out of fans
6.01.05 - Debbie Rowe flogs ring on eBay
12.01.05 - Making a drama out of the trial
13.01.05 - "Can we call Bashir?" asks prosecution
20.01.05 - "Don't call me" begs Bashir
20.01.05 - "Don't call the victim a victim" begs Jacko
27.01.05 - Bashir documentary to be shown to jury
30.01.05 - Jackson makes video plea to be given fair trial
31.01.05 - Watching the supporters
1.02.05 - Jackson turns up in black
2.02.05 - The missing five witnesses
4.02.05 - Freakshow - Jackson on the next Geraldo
6.02.05 - Illness forces delay
7.02.05 - A mother's plea: Jacko innocent, claims Mrs. Jackson
10.02.05 - One in ten jurors claims to have heard nothing about the case
11.02.05 - Corey Feldman called to talk about magazines
15.02.05 - A defense of a thousand stars
15.02.05 - Michael throws a sickie
16.02.05 - Getting better
19.02.05 - Prosecutors: "Show us the money"
20.02.05 - Bashir avoids contempt charge
21/02.05 - Can a parent judge Jacko fairly (Clue: Yes)
23.02.05 - Fit and objecting again
24.02.05 - Cutting to the chase: Jury selection rushed to conclusion
26.02.05 - Daily Star suggest Ronald McDonald for Jacko jury
26.02.05 - Jackson sued by family of deceased woman moved to make space for him in hospital
26.02.05 - Caroline #240 complains about the jury; while defense targets mom
28.02.05 - Prosecution outlines case: '45 minutes of porn and hands down kid's pants'
1.03.05 - Newspaper coverage of day one
1.03.05 - Defense sketch their side - 'the kids threw stuff at elephants'
2.03.05 - Bashir's shield of silence; Kite talks about flying in a storm
3.03.05 - Kite suggests record company plant tried to destabilise Jacko
3.03.05 - More videos; and the sister takes the stand
4.03.05 - What the... is that a scout?: The papers look inside Neverland
7.03.05 - Week two starts with brother and sister offering contradictory testimony
9.03.05 - Star admits lying, can't pick one jazz mag from another
10.03.05 - Ow! My back hurts
11.03.05 - Bananas In Pyjamas - press coverage of the "bad back"
11.03.05 - Accuser gives full sticky details
11.03.05 - Leno given monologue OK; judge nixes trip to Neverland
12.03.05 - Jacko allowed to cash-in on his own trial
29.03.05 - I'm just like Mandela, claims Jacko
30.03.05 - Call in Culkin? US Press response
2.04.05 - "Mistrial" cry defense; no spunk on the sheets
5.04.05 - Another alleged victim pops up in court
25.05.05 - You're not exactly helping, Leno
4.6.05 - War protests rock Jacko trial
5.06.05 - Eavesdrop on the final verdict
11.06.05 - Prosecution enjoy a slap-up feed
13.06.05 - This just in: absolutely innocent
14.06.05 - First press reactions
14.06.05 - It's all Bashir's fault
14.06.05 - Jury answer the 'what were you thinking of' question
15.06.05 - Newspapers: Not especially convinced
15.06.05 - Sneddon says "I'm no loser"; Live 8 holds open door
17.06.05 - Judge Melville says 'have a rummage through the papers'
17.06.05 - Live 8 closes door firmly
17.06.05 - Jackson family victory party; in a casino, well after children's bedtimes
20.06.05 - Juror enjoys Jackson's victory party
22.06.05 - Mother feels Jackson has cleared his name
SICK OF THE TRIAL: As if the long, drawn-out process of jury selection isn't bad enough, illness in the family of one of the defence team's lawyers is going to stick an extra delay to the process.
Thomas Meserau's sister is seriously ill and Judge Mellville has agreed to put the process of grilling the current 250 possible jurors off until Thursday, with the possibility of a further delay into the week after.
Presumably the E! Network players will fill the time recontructing famous trials of the past while they're waiting.
"ANY CHANCE OF A FUMBLE, LOVE?" UNLIKELY TO MAKE FINAL CUT: That new tool in the record company arsenal to flog actual CDs, the question and answer session included on the record (seventy questions=seventy extra sales), is being deployed in support of Rachel Steven's next single, Negotiate With Love. Although they say you can ask her anyhting you like - email to rachaelstevens@warwickworldwide.com - we're guessing stuff that you actually want to know is going to be off-limits (besides, the answers are: 'he was below average'; 'yes, with Jo, but we could never find a comfortable holster'; 'certainly'; 'fairly rough, and whips rather than paddles' and 'not even if you had a wash, you stinky loser').
IF HE'D BOUGHT HER ON EBAY, HE COULD HAVE GOT HIS CASH BACK FROM PAYPAL: You have to feel a bit sorry for Dickie Lugner - he paid half a million quid for a date with Geri Halliwell, and didn't get his money's worth. Apparently, when she sold herself to the highest bidder, Halliwell forgot to mention that there were some problems with the model he was purchasing. As it is, she "got lost" going to the toilet and missed the big introduction to President Fischer of Austria. Which was meant to be on live TV.
Lugner was a bit pissed off, to be honest:
"She insisted on going to the toilet alone, but didn't know her way around the opera house and got lost.
"It's a big place and there were a lot of guests. We were due to give an interview but had to cancel it because we couldn't find her."
We'd have suggested listening at the cubicle doors, Dickie. That would have been the giveaway.
He also revealed she had earlier refused to show up for a press conference at his Lugner City shopping centre.
And he said she hid behind a pillar at the Hotel Imperial and cried "get them out of here" when Austrian photographers turned up to photograph her in her black Versace ball dress.
At the Opera House itself, Austrian press association APA said she "tried to flee" from photographers and had to be dragged back by her host and his wife Christine, 39.
Geri hasn't really got the hang of this selling herself lark, has she? Dickie is probably giving her some shit seller's feedback even as we speak...
THE PRIEST RETURNS: See, this is the problem - a couple of years ago people started wearing ironic Iron Maiden tshirts, and before you know it, Ozzy Osbourne is wheeled out at every occasion, the Maiden themselves play Reading, and - oh god - Judas Priest reform.
It's the first time in fifteen years the original Halford - Tipton - Downing - Hill and Travis line-up has been together since 1990, mainly since they couldn't stand each other any more. Rob Halford, though, says it's like they've never been away:
"The decade that we were out of each other's company just seems to have vanished in smoke. "When we got together to begin writing the new material, it was really a continuation of where we would have been had we made the next record after Painkiller. All the pieces were already in place."
Glen Tipton is quite clear that this isn't going to be some post-Equitable Life meltdown pension scheme:
"Years from now, I really feel that this album is going to be viewed as an absolute classic metal masterpiece. We're firing on all cylinders."
But really: is this any way for grown men to behave?
I mean... producing albums with wonky angels on the sleeve when you're fifteen is one thing, but... when you're old enough to consider standing for parish council, it's little different from carrying a teddy bear everywhere and insisting he gets a seat at the table...
