Fundraiserobit: Jimmy Pascoe

Jimmy Pascoe, who raised funds for the Linda McCartney Breast Cancer Campaign with a mechanised teddy bear disco in Church Street, Liverpool, has died. Pascoe had been a fixture in the city centre for several years; he once represented Liverpool's street entertainers at an international event in Hamburg.

Mika's ears save everyone else's ears

The surprisingly pleased-with-himself Mika is taking a break from music in order to fight an ear infection.

Apparently, he can tell something is wrong with his ears because everytime he plays back his album, instead of hearing the epoch-framing work of art he's certain he recorded, he hears a collection of squeaky rejects from the Balamory musical.

Surely it's got to be jail for Pete now?

Pete Doherty has been arrested for possession of drugs - yes, again, this time in Tower Hamlets - surprising, what with Adam Ficek telling us it was all yoghurts and juices for Babyshambles these days.

How this is going to affect him when he returns to court for the latest round of sentencing in two weeks is unclear - it's not simply that he had drugs on him (according to the police) but that he was in Tower Hamlets in the small hours of the morning, which doesn't appear to square with complying with the court's orders he lives with his parents.

On the other hand, the court has seemed willing to offer unlimited last chances to Pete, so perhaps he'll pull off another daring escape.

Radio One More Time: Fun At One

It's the happy, happy sound
(Fun... at one)
Of Radio One

Perhaps one of the oddest, but tenacious, slots on Radio One was Fun At One. As the name suggests, it was an attempt to inject some "fun" at one o'clock in the afternoon. It's not entirely clear if this five minutes of official "fun" was intended to undermine the dj by implying that the rest of the time Radio One wasn't very much fun at all, or merely offered a chance to recalibrate our level of what the Radio One of the day saw as being "fun". It might also have been an attempt to balance out the 12.30 Newsbeat slot - offering a jelly and cream of light entertainment in return for the bread-and-butter of world affairs and a two minute interview with Owen Paul.

In this case, "fun" was actually defined "a substantial but unsatisfying chunk of an old comedy production". Since this came at a time when the network had managed to get through a decade and a half without making a single proper comedy programme, producers were forced to rummage back in the dusty cupboards of the Light Programme, undermining the cutting edge youth sounds by throwing in five minutes of hairy old comedy. I swear in 1983, they interrupted the latest chart run down to play ten minutes of a back episode of The Glums. Laugh? It was like giggling was still on the ration.

Incidently, Southern Sound took the concept of Fun At One, and based its entire Sunday afternoon programming around it, when the End of The Pier Show it promised the IBA when applying for the licence (live comedy and entertainment) was replaced by a more budget-friendly End of The Pier Show which consisted of Sean Bolger sticking on one of those commercial remakes of Hancock's Half Hour that were released on LP in the 1960s, and disappearing off for a Sunday Roast.

Of course, Adrian Juste made frequent calls on the BBC Record Library's spoken word section during his inexplicably long-running programme on the shows. Juste's role - we suspect awarded by himself - was to be the network's joker; having only a couple of hours to fill each week gave him plenty of time to prepare old comedy clips to sprinkle over his show the way firecrews cover blazes with foam. And, like a firecrew's foam, these would also drain all the oxygen away from the spark, too. Juste had two ways of destroying any comic potential in a piece - one way was to cut out one half of a two-hander, and fill the role of straight man himself (here, all his lines would be delivered in a "oh, I'm about to lose it in a minute" style which was one part Knockout-era Stuart Hall to two parts pre-eruption Mount St Helens); the other would be to try and skim out any preamble from a monologue, thus rendering little more than a punchline and a canned laugh.

When tiring of pre-recorded bits, rather than using the time to actually play records, Juste would instead resort to overlong shaggy dog stories. These, for some reason, he decided couldn't just be reduced to their punchline, even although they were just as "amusing" like that: I Left My Harp In Sam Plank's Disco. See?

Curiously, during Gary Davies' era of attempting to update lunchtimes on Radio One, dropping Fun At One merely opened up space for him to introduce a feature that involved a long shaggy dog story the punchline to which was a pun on a current pop song. It might have been no funnier than Ron Glum using Bisto to hide Pa Glum's parson's nose (allowing Ethel to visit him while Pa's toe was stuck in the bathtap), but at least it had a slightly more contemporary feel.

Still wasn't much fun, though.

Radio One More Time: The Top 40

In forty days, Radio One celebrates its fortieth birthday. So does Radio 2, Radio 3 and Radio 4, but somehow the number 40 seems more significant for the pop network - being the arbitrary cut-off point where it loses interest in the best selling-singles chart, of course.

To mark the 40th birthday - and to make a rod for our own back - every day between now and the anniversary, we'll be running a mini-essay inspired by a Radio One feature, drawn mainly - although not exclusively - from the time when the network was the best of a handful of limited options for people who liked music.

In this post, we'll list the features as they go live
1. Fun At One
2. Playground
3. The Record Race
4. Skyman
5. Give Us A Break
6. The University Of Turmoil
7. Steve Wright's Fridays off
8. Five forty-fives link fixed
9. Walters' Week
10. Radio One Roadshow
11. First Love
12. The Old Record Club
13. Laura's First Love
14. Sessions
15. More Music Mondays
16. Which Way Now?
17. The charts
18. Specially recorded jingles
19. Studio B15
20. Bang Gotcha Junction
21. You'll Never Be 16 Again
22. Perkins Grange
23. Records by DJs
24. Junior Choice
25. Bird or Bloke?
26. Current Affairs
27. Those who also entertained
28. Pseudonyms
29. Christmas lunch at Grey Gables
30. Simulatneous Broadcasts
31. Twenty-Five Years Of Rock
32. Blue Jam
33. Sound City
34. 1FM
35. The Beatles A to Z
36. Johnny Beerling
37. Keeping It Peel
38. A King In New York
39. We can't play this
40. Goodbye


You might also enjoy:
John Peel remembered
The old Radio 5
The last Mark and Lard show

Doherty's derring-do

We wonder what portion of truth is contained in the thrilling tale of Babyshambles rescuing a man from a car crash:

ete and Co were travelling back after a storming set at the V Festival in Chelmsford there on Saturday night.

They were on their way to Stafford for their Sunday V gig when they saw a car smash into a concrete reservation at Toddington.

A band source said: “They saw the overturned car billowing with smoke in the middle of the carriageway. They stopped and pulled a guy in his 50s from the vehicle. He had hit a concrete block on the side of the road and the car flipped over.
For more pictures from the V Festival

“The man was insisting that he had only had a few fruit juices, but they thought he was protesting a bit too much.”

You'll notice there's a surprising lack of actual detail to the story, leaving room to picture Pete Doherty pulling a man from a blazing car - although we'd put money on the road crew being more likely to have performed any intervention.

The successful corpse

Tony Wilson, once cast an eye over his line-up of acts and told a reporter "I have no problem with any of these guys dying - death sells."

How fitting, then, in the week of his death to have his words proven so resolutely; even demonstrating that it doesn't matter how cold the body: Another ropey Elvis compilation trundles to the top of the charts, bought, presumably, by people who think music sounds no good until the artist has really composted.

Out-of-control spaceship heading for sun tries repainting corridors

HMV is in a spot of trouble, and suspicions that nobody had much of an idea what to do have deepened with the news that they've redesigned their logo.. A little bit.

Apparently, the idea is - simultaneously - to

give it a more contemporary feel

while

"gently reassure" customers about HMV's heritage and expertise, the firm said.

So, that's something that shows the heritage of the brand while being up-to-date. Like trying to play a 78 on an iPod, that's quite a feat.

They're also going to add some words under HMV on the logo. "Get closer", apparently, which sounds more like a personal hygiene product than a record shop:

It was developed as a result of a major brand review to engage with shoppers "in a more relevant way".

HMV's new marketing campaign encourages shoppers to "get closer to the songs, films and games they love".

The pink HMV Get Closer logo plus the black and white Nipper mascot will launch next week.

HMV marketing director Graham Sim said the dog logo had been changed to make it look more contemporary.

"We're detaching him from the main logo so that he can now take on the role of a quality mark in all our advertising, reassuring customers of our brand heritage and of the expertise and service they can expect from HMV," he said.

Aha. So, uh, having the dog picture slightly offset from the name of the store means that we're going to have faith that the bloke who puts the marked-down copy of a back-ctalogue album into the plastic bag will remember to remove the little strip which sets off the security alarm at the front door.

Noisettes say 'get ready for a shock'

There's more to the Noisettes than being The Noisettes. At least, that's according to The Noisettes:

"Currently, we're truly a band now. We are writing songs for our next album and we are quite far down the line.

"Anyone who had us written off as a garage rock buzz band on our first album - I hope those people will be shocked when they hear our new album."

Hmm. Mildly surprised, perhaps. But unless they're going to go and turn in a set of Extreme Noise Terror cover versions, or all acapella German language plainsong, I suspect we won't be shocked.

Apparently, Yohane Banda talks direct to WENN

A curious little report has popped up on the gossip sites, sourced to World Entertainment News Network which suggests that David Banda's Dad doesn't want him to go home:

He says, "I wouldn’t love it if David came home because he may not survive here in our poor conditions."

Hmm. Oddly, WENN don't suggest where this quote might have come from, or who he might have been speaking to. Which makes it a bit difficult to judge this strangely-coached sounding quote's veracity.

Odder still, WENN claims:

The adoption process has been delayed after a visit by a Malawian official to check on the suitability of David’s new home was cancelled due to a reported lack of funds.

We could have sworn the visit was cancelled because Madonna had been discovered to be underwriting the costs of the visit. Curious to see it being spun to suggest that Malawi is such a poor country they can't even afford a plane ticket for a meeting...

An interesting way to secure a later slot

Babyshambles have got themselves "stuck on the motorway" en route to the V Festival, and so have wound up headlining the second stage.

Yes, we're not quite sure how only Babyshambles have managed to get get stuck - despite all of the bands who played Chelmsford making the same trip and not turning up four hours late, but if Pete Doherty says the dog ate his homework or something, we're not going to see that as some sort of lame excuse.

NME explains the rehuffling in the light of this:

They take over from The Coral who had been asked to play second set at the festival because Rodrigo Y Gabriela had pulled their performance due to exhaustion. Ironically the Mexican duo had been promoted to play the tent after original headliners Bright Eyes dropped out due to illness.

As a result of all this, somehow The Klaxons are now going to have to play the winner of of Rushden & Diamonds versus Newport in the next round of the FA Cup.

Singer in a coma

Haydain Neale, singer with Tornto-based Jacksoul, remains in a coma two weeks after being knocked off his scooter in a collision with a car.

Police have yet to complete investigations into the cause of the accident - "out of respect for the family". Neale is reported to be critical but stable; the extent of his head injuries haven't been made public.

Beth Ditto continues to have a Pop

The latest edition of Pop is embarking on a plan to subvert the idea of size zero models.

Not really, of course - that would involve hiring models for their magazine which reflects more accurately what real women look like. Instead, they're just going to lob in a photospread with Beth Ditto and hope that everyone mistakes tokenism for activism:

Katie Grand, fashion stylist and editor-in-chief of POP, said: "Beth Ditto has become an accidental size hero for the size-zero age ... She has become a generational icon, confounding the tedious stereotypes of what it is to be a wonderful 21st-century woman."

Grand's decision to feature Ditto is significant because it goes against the grain in a fashion industry where size still rules. "She is a very good, positive role model. There is something about her that makes everybody say, 'I'd like to be like that,'" Grand adds.

Apparently that quote took the Independent on Sunday's Susie Mesure five goes to transcribe, because it was hard to make out the words against the sounds of backs soundly being slapped.

Mesure doesn't ask Grand in what way Ditto's position has been "accidental" rather than calculated, thereby removing one of Ditto's saving graces: she hasn't just wandered into this by mistake, she's clearly playing the game two moves ahead of everyone else.

Nor does Mesure ask Grand why, if the usual, wafer-thin models are so "tedious", does she fill Pop with them? This issue does have more "real women", to be fair: Yoko Ono, Lily Allen and Lindsay Lohan. All women you might meet down the local chip shop, then. It's actually quite amusing when you stop battering your head on the table long enough to think about it: Pop Magazine's idea of what people in the real world are like is Lindsay Lohan.

Sorry, did we say amusing? We meant something more akin to the noise of a long, damaged howl.

Ditto, for her part, pops up for an interview:

"I'm afraid of being naked!" she says in the POP interview. "I was scared to death of being in a bikini for POP. I grew up poor white trash. I have hairy armpits. I'm fat."

This might be more convincing if Ditto hadn't already done the cover of NME naked, nor had a reputation for stripping down while playing live. And - since she's always maintained, correctly, that it's the choice of the individual to depilate or not, why would she be "afraid" of showing hairy armpits?

Klaxons hijacked by Priscillas

The revival of vinyl, what we keep reading about in the newspapers, is bringing with it the revival of one of the sweet joys of pop: the mispressing.

The Klaxons has discovered the b-side of It's Not Over Yet has, instead of a frankly pointless "unique etching" got a "mystery track" on it.

It turns out that it's actually the b-side of No Rock favourites The Priscilla's forthcoming Superstar single. Hopefully, that'll come complete with the proper b-side and not a "unique etching".

[Thanks to Donald Guff for the tip]

The return of Johnny Headlock

You might remember Johnny Headlock, the man who seems to have 'Pete Doherty's minder' written under 'occupation' in his passport. He turned up in the Mail On Sunday just after the death of Mark Blanco, shrugging his shoulders and saying that he couldn't remember that much about it.

Today, Headlock has resurfaced in The Sunday People, claiming that he had sex with Amy Winehouse while she was "on a break" with Blake:

Johnny said: "Amy is every bit as wild as you would imagine. She was insatiable.

"It was like she hadn't had sex for years. She was really aggressive and wanted to take control. It was an amazing night.

"Her husband is a very lucky man. But I don't think he'll be at all happy when he finds out that I ended up in bed with his wife."

You can almost hear the concern for Blake's feelings above the sound of rustling pound notes, can't you?

Lily Allen plays visa roulette

We're not sure Lily Allen is entirely bothered about playing America again - certainly, calling George Bush a fucking cunt during a televised festival gig isn't entirely the best way to warm up Homeland Security to your next application. The current US regime doesn't really do fair comment/free speech very well, Lily.

Zoe's world

Talking of Zoe from the Sunday Mirror, our eye was caught by the headline on her blog entry about the the V Festival. It was headlined with a not-at-all-self-regarding opener:

I'm off to V - as in ViP

We don't know why she put the I in lowercase, as, clearly, the (self) importance is at the heart of things here.

But this, this is almost modet compared to the way Zoe describes herself at the head of the column:

Hi, I'm Zoe, the youngest, coolest gossip columnist around.

Now, you might give that line to the bad guy if you were scripting a Bratz movie, but who, really, would type that in the 'about this author' box on their blog on a national newspaper site and then hit 'publish'?

Still, the blog does give an insight into how Zoe does her work - after announcing that she's off to Chelmsford she invites readers to do her job for her:

If any of you readers spot any goss down there then please email me and say what you have seen - zoe@sundaymirror.co.uk.

You might wonder why Zoe needs to get people to fill in the gaps in her column, but she explains: she's going to be busy, dammit:

I'll be hanging out in the VIP area, no doubt with the rent a crowd of Eastenders and Hollyoaks cast.

Why, Zoe, you make it sound like they'll let just anyone in the VIP area...

Pete takes ex to V

The Sunday Mirror's Showbiz with Zoe column is placing bets on Pete Doherty getting back with Irina Lazareanu.

Apparently, Irina was going to watch Babyshambles from the V festival wings, a job usually given to Kate, as Zoe notes.

What is interesting, of course, is the reminder that, back before he went all showbiz and started dating supermodels, Doherty was much more street. And dating, erm, ballet students.

Britney's "lesbian trial"

Today's News of the World has a curious, old-fashioned feel to it - they're even, god help us, running a sexy air hostess story of the type that looked tired in the 1970s. Their big splash, though is

Britney's Lesbian Sex Trial

.
This, sadly, doesn't turn out to be a fourteen day test drive programme; and, indeed, isn't really a lesbian sex trail at all. It's merely that, in his bid to get custody of the "raising Britney's kids" reality TV show, Kevin Federline is going to parade a stream of witnesses testifying to Spears' "unsuitable" lifestyle. And one of these claims will be

from a stunning dancer who shared a lesbian romp with the singer.

We really hope that Federline isn't going to stand up in a courtroom and suggest that homosexuality is, of itself, a sign of corrupt morals.
Meanwhile, the NOTW reveals Brit's "new image" - they say it's Mummsy, but to us it looks disturbingly like she's based it on Jimmy Hill.

This week just gone

Seven days on No Rock and Roll Fun:

The ten-most accessed articles:

1. Lily Allen briefly wearing no clothes on a train
2. The courts will show a video of R Kelly having sex
3. Larry Mullen buys a block of flats in Bolton
4. McFly take their boxer shorts off
5. Beth Ditto: naked if she wants to. Only with airbrushing
6. Akon distributes vouchers for free sex toys to kids
7. Radio 1 announces 40th birthday album line-up
8. The Google search 'Edith Bowman topless' becomes popular again
9. RIP: Tony Wilson
10. Simon Cowell dumps six year-old Connie Talbot

Also this week:
Amy Winehouse didn't need rehab. And then then she was getting care in the community. The she was was in rehab. Then she popped out to get a guitar, although it was only a retreat anyway. Hovering over her druglife was Elvis: A Warning From History.

Elsewhere, the music magazines sloughed off readership as quickly as Capital Radio lost listeners; Russian courts said that Allofmp3 weren't breaking copyright law; Johnny Borrell put his pants up for sale; ITV admitted that it kept the cash it made selling adverts during the Challenge Anneka programme while George Michael got his hands dirty doing community service.

You can read the whole week on one page or
skim the previous week in one post

Five years ago:
When a fifteen year-old suggested that Soul Train had made a mistake giving its Aretha Franklin Award to Ashanti, they were rewarded for their efforts with a vituperative email and Soul Train published a long essay saying how, effectively, they knew better than their audience and the complainant probably wasn't even black; Jarvis Cocker as Rolf Harris ruled Stars In Their Eyes; Chinese proto-Allofmp3 Listen4ever vanished from the internet; did a group of deaf people really see posters advertising Queen Of The Stone Age's Songs For The Death leading to humourous misunderstandings?; Justin Timberlake's grandma worried that dating Britney would distract her grandson from his career; British troops would be entertained by Mark Page and DLT; Paul Simon wouldn't let a little thing like the Iraq war put him off having a dinner with Bush and Colin Powell; a Yorkshire farmer played Goth music to his sheep; it turned out Cream was being investigated by the cops Melvin Benn was sniffily dismissive of Clear Channel's attempts to muscle in on the UK festival business - "it's a fact that Clear Channel aren't succeeding to impress themselves on the UK festival market". They bought his employer out shortly after.

Oh, and we found what we believe to be the very first mention of Britney Spears on the internet. Surprisingly, it wasn't an upskirt.

These releases interested us:


Single of the Week is The Beep Seals debut, available for real and download from Heron Recordings


Is that Speke Hall in the background of Monkey Swallows The Universe's second album?


Chungking add some 21st century spritz to their usual 80s sound


It's a good week for Brighton, as Monster Bobby's Gaps also launches


The BBC archive spits out some Sandy Denny...


... and a little Therapy? (There's also an Ocean Colour Scene one, but we're not recommending that, obviously)


Indie movie, indie soundtrack: Orange Juice, Sons and Daughters, Clinic


She Wolves rope in Jayne County for help on Mach One...


... while Jayne also pops up in this comprehensive punk doc. How comprehensive? There's space for Sham 69


Not, perhaps, as awaited as the Alistair Campbell diaries, but Horace Panters memoirs of his time as the Specials bassist are still worth a look

Roadblock

Does anyone who reads this know Pete Waterman? If so, could you pop round and check that the old boy is okay? We're worried - seriously worried - as news reaches us that he's signed up the Sheila's Wheels advert women to make a proper single. It can only be a step away from Pete setting fire to the house trying to defrost his cat in the microwave, or selling his antique watches to a cold-caller for five pounds and a bag of fruit gums.

Not wanting to be cruel, but even by the standards of low-budget financial service adverts shown on daytime TV, the Sheila's Wheels girls had a the look of a casting session carried out against a tight deadline and a tighter budget. What is Pete thinking?

The only thing we can think is that he's trying to create The Reynolds Girls for a new generation.

Coco, the Coco Pops Monkey, has sent a demo CD to Pete Waterman's house, just in case.

Unsettling Sons

Paul Weller's son has, surprisingly, opted for a totally different career to his Dad. "I know that having a successful pop star as my Pop would give me an unfair advantage in the music industry, but really science is my thing. I want to be a molecular chemist."

Oh, if only. No, he's going into the family business , right down to the releasing not-very-good solo records bit:

"I am currently in the studio putting down vocals to a selection of gothic/ electropop tracks," Natt tells [The Daily Mail's Katie Nicholl].

"And my fashion style is kind of a mix between Victoria Beckham and Marilyn Manson."

Judging by the photos, he's taken the 'emperor's new clothes' aspect of Beckham and married it to 'six year old going to fancy dress party as Dracula' of Manson.

Are there any more at home like him, Paul? And if so, could you fix the childlocks on the front door?

Erm, yes, that'll help

We're sure it exists no more substantially than in the rum mind of the Daily Mail, but apparently Kate Moss is going to do a "tribute song" for Amy Winehouse.

To "cheer her up", of course.

And why would Kate do this?

Because, erm, she "listens to Amy on her iPod all the time".

Naturally.

'I'm not Uncle Disgusting'

Uncle Kracker has insisted that, despite being on a $75,000 bond for a second-degree forcible sexual offence, it was nothing to do with him:

"It's regrettable that someone would make this kind of an allegation, it's not the kind of thing that I'd do, as a father of three girls ... I'm saddened that anyone might think I'm capable of this sort of thing."

We're not quite sure why having three daughters makes you any less likely to commit a sexual offence - "congratulations, Mrs. Smith, it's a girl - now your husband will be a little less prone to being a rapist" - but obviously, he's entitled to the presumption of innocence.

Kasabian get our hopes up

We were thrilled by the NME headline:

Kasabian 'V Festival is the perfect farewell

But the detail was disappointing:

"This is the swansong for 'Empire'," guitarist Serge Pizzorno told NME.COM. "We've got some gigs lined-up but this these are the last big shows. Both these shows are the perfect farewell, it's the big 'thank you, see you on the next record."

This doesn't even make any sense - how can it be the farewell if you're still going to play it at a slew of gigs? It's like trying to divorce your husband but still schedule in some sex for the last few weekends of summer.

Death stalks the Prince of Darkness

Two deaths at the New Jersey Ozzfest date, both apparently caused by a combination of the heat and substance abuse:

Police are investigating the deaths of the pair, identified as Raymond Guarino, 26, of Forked River and Patrick Norris, 24, of Coram, N.Y.

After possibly taking drugs and alcohol, both passed out in separate incidents at the concert, went into cardiac arrest and later died. State police said the men were believed to have ingested cocaine, marijuana and alcohol before their deaths, and troopers who searched Guarino's vehicle found small amounts of both drugs.

Although both of the fatalities were adults, 59 of the 83 who were arrested were charged with underage drinking. Other charges included distribution of drugs, lewd behavior and providing alcohol to a minor.

So, it's clear what the Ozzy fans did with the cash they saved by not having to pay to get in, then.

V organisers have a private joke

With Amy Winehouse off not-getting-rehab-it-is-a-retreat to sort out her "problems", the V festival needed a big name who could be relied on to concentrate on the job in hand rather than getting lost in a haze of drink and drugs.

They called the Happy Mondays.

Surely, when gig bookers are suggesting that you;re less reliable than Bez, that has to be a wake-up call?

Robbie Williams is not easy to dislike

Ah, bless: Robbie Williams was Nigel Martin Smith's favourite:

"Robbie was my favourite because Robbie just wanted to perform," he explained. "If Robbie had ever come to me and said, 'Nigel, help.' Or, 'I'm having a problem with something,' I would have done it.

"If I had to do it all again, I'd do everything exactly the same, because I think it was all perfect. The only thing, personally, that I would do is spend a bit more time telling them how much I love them - which is probably what I didn't do, certainly in Robbie's case. I think that's where I went wrong."

So, there's a terrible tale: forget to tell your cash cow ("loved ones") how much they mean to you and they'll want to cut your eyes out with a Stanley Knife. A lesson for us all.

Shane Lynch: It's not easy being a boyband

Shane Lynch has decided to share with the world how terrible it is being successful and having everyone look at you:

"I can see why things go wrong for Britney Spears and other celebrities.

"And I have sympathy for Robbie Williams when he is unhappy.

"No one gives you a manual on how to deal with this unreal life.

"I grew up to be a mechanic in Dublin and am still that same person, so when I lived in a bubble and went everywhere first class and had everything done for me I didn't know how I was meant to live.

"I never needed to know where I was because I would be driven or flown there."

I'm not sure how far I buy this "ooh, I was only a mechanic" schtick - it's not like he was Amish and had never travelled on an escalator, and it's not like "travelling in first class" is so very different from sitting in coach - your seat can tip back without spilling Tango into the person's lap behind, and the food is nicer and is picked from a menu rather than someone barking "beef or chicken" in your face, but it's not so much of a culture shock as Lynch makes it sound.

"My parents would tell you they called me and I couldn't say where I was," he said.

"I know it sounds stupid because on paper I was having an amazing life but I thought the only way I could survive was by not knowing what was going on."

How would that even work? Sure, if people shuffle you on and off of planes, it's possible to not know where you are, but this is one of those rockstar cliches that is somewhat thin - if you don't know where you are, why not say "where are we"? It probably takes a special level of dullness to not have the wit to to worry about what town you're in.

"I had champagne and private jets but they didn't do a lot for me.

"That unreal life nearly destroyed me."

But is this a problem with fame and success as such, or is it just that some people have such unenquiring minds as to have the door to the world open to them, but don't even want to look through it.

"We can have all the material things but we are just people like everyone else.

"I had a normal life before Boyzone and will always consider myself a mechanic.

"I had a million-pound house and Ferraris but I now know having lots of things is not the route to happiness."

As Jarvis once said: what's the point in being rich, if you can't think what to do with it, 'cause you're so bleedin' thick.

Wire cutters

It's been quite a while since one of Nicky Wire's predictable but amusing attacks on his fellow musical toilers, but he's back on form for the V festival:

Of Snow Patrol he says: "They are utterly deplorable, there is something irredeemably shit about them, you can't quite put your finger on what it is.

"It's a desperate form of music, the endless repeated lines, over and over, the same drab fucking little thing on and on.

Even Snow Patrol fans might feel a little aggrieved at being accused of repeating lines endlessly from the You! Love! Us! You Love Us! You Love Us! Oh, You Love Us, Yeah You Love Us bloke, but Nicky is already moving on to The Killers:

[B]randing their second album "truly dreadful," adding: "There's no authenticity in that record at all, extremely false and calculated.

"People might like it, but people with brains don't."

And how do the 3AM Girls describe Wire in the piece?

He would be :

"the eye-liner wearing bassist"

Describing Nicky Wire as wearing a bit of eye-liner is like saying Danny La Rue sometimes wore heels, surely?